"I can't believe him," April hissed quietly, while swiftly strapping Harriet securely to her little car seat at the back.
They had just come down from Jackson's apartment that night. Their conversation was heavy. The redhead's residual frustration over what had been flushed out from it made the little carrier shake when her hands pulled the straps on tightly, causing Harriet's eyes to flutter open.
"Awww, I'm so sorry to wake you, bug," April whispered. She looked at her daughter as the toddler's eyes sleepily examined her surroundings, wondering how in the world she ended up where she was. Her light bluish-green eyes seemed to spark with recognition though, seeing the familiar parking lot that led to where her father lived.
"Yeah sweetie, we're just leaving Daddy's place. We'll be home in a bit," she said, stroking the little one's soft curly hair. But, April's voice was still troubled despite trying to stay calm. "Sorry for stirring you up. Go back to sleep, my darling."
As though she could understand what April was saying, Harriet shuffled herself comfortably into the cushions of her car seat, slowly closing her eyes and getting ready to sleep through the car ride home.
Being left with no one to talk to, April sighed heavily and plopped herself beside Harriet on the backseat. Feeling the seat bounce made Harriet's eyelids flicker, until April started ranting and they opened up again completely.
"It's just… Daddy's always been the late one. Always. Why does he have to take forever to know what the heck it is he wants?" she reasoned argumentatively, quick to remember that she and Jackson have agreed to replace the words hell and damn with heck and darn when they were around their child.
Still barred from sleep, little Harriet turned her head slightly to face her mother, blinking hard until small puffy bags started forming below her widened eyes.
"He just… takes his time. All the time," she continued, sinking her back comfortably down the seat and netting her fingers together, much like how someone would in a therapy session. She chuckled sardonically and rolled her eyes toward Harriet. "You know what? I think it's a plastic surgeon thing. Bet they just looove standing for hours on end deciding on these tiny little adjustments," she said, her voice high and small at the word. She crossed her legs and rested a hand underneath her head. "Too much of a perfectionist to act or settle on anything! Things always have to be so… perfect!" she exclaimed, kicking one leg to the backside of the front passenger seat.
The sudden movement made Harriet flinch and stare blankly at the dashboard - All hope of falling asleep, lost.
"Now see, what am I supposed to do with what he just told me? Can I do nothing?... I can just do nothing, right?" said April, looking to Harriet for approval. Harriet looked at her cluelessly, looked away, then back again. "Heck yeah I can. Got my own darn problems."
After a while, April centered herself and let out all the air in her lungs. Before returning to the driver's seat, she got on the armrest of her car to sit across her daughter, smiling with her mouth closed. She leaned over to gaze at her little love's brilliant and impossibly smart eyes and grazed a thumb over her soft cheek. "What do I do with him?" she whispered defeatedly.
Without a moment's notice, Harriet's small hands found their way to either side of April's face, and the redhead felt all her insides melt with warmth. Hattie's eyes were all Jackson's, with thick lashes planted around gently piercing orbs. She, too, had faint freckles on her tiny nose and April couldn't help but feel him through her.
April let out a short gasp. "Well that's not fair." Jackson was able to enrapture her through their daughter and she hated that he could do that.
Finally, she bundled Harriet's small hands into her own, breathing them in and kissing them solemnly. "Come on, my Ladybug. Let's go home."
Jackson was left alone in his apartment. April told him that she was more tired than hungry and that she just wanted to take their daughter home, even turning down his offer to walk them to her car.
"Ugh, I'm an idiot," he said, chomping down on the cold salmon she left on the table. Searching patches of lettuce for some sort of dressing and finding none, he sighed and dropped his fork on the side of his plate. "How the hell does she eat it like this?"
He got off the chair and walked over to the fridge to grab the condiment he was looking for. It took him awhile to find the lemon ranch since it hadn't been in its original spot. That was because April had blazed through the shelves and reorganized everything so fast while they were talking that he didn't even notice. "Of course."
Everything was now in order and arranged far more sensibly. If he hadn't known any better, he would have thought she emptied out half his fridge with how much space was cleared up for him to use.
As he slammed the fridge shut, his eyes closed in on a small packet of photos that he had pinned to its door. He realized that he forgot to hand them to April while he had her there.
"Awww, damn it!" he said, hastily grabbing it and letting the magnet fall to the ground. "Double idiot."
Pulling them out to go over them, he saw the photos he printed of Harriet doing silly things during his turn with her. He shuffled through a few of them: one of her smearing baby food on her face, one of her laughing and fumbling to get out of his T-shirt on the bed, and another of her assaulting him with a toy wand.
He laughed to himself but then soon realized how sad it was that he always had to print two copies for two separate albums in two different homes.
He tucked April's copies back into the packet and went upstairs to fill up his own collection. Skimming through his bookshelf, he ran a finger past some magazines, medical journals, and self-help books until he found the one with 'LADYBUG' playfully printed on its spine.
He added the photos in easily and while looking for the spot it left on the shelf, he found another photo set that he hasn't gone through in a very long time.
APRIL & JACKSON
Lake Tahoe, 2014
He remembered the time he considered throwing it out. Now, he couldn't believe how he ever thought of doing such a thing. Most of their joint possessions, he gave to April after the divorce. But this, she said he should keep with him, saying that he should at least remember a time when they were happy.
Scanning through the album with Harriet's underneath it, he saw the euphoric smiles on both their faces - goofy and giddy over what they had just decided to do together.
He saw how beautiful April looked on that day, and how he looked at her like he was the luckiest man on the planet. Over the years, he's seen her grow from an awkward little thing, grating and petty at times but always good-hearted. He knew her flaws well and could handle her crazy because he also knew that she was kind, loving, and had so much to give. She really did look like a beautiful swan.
Feeling his nose start to sting with the onset of tears, Jackson closed the two books together so he could stow them side by side on his shelf.
"Good night… sweethearts."
"Good night, sweetheart," whispered April as she planted a soft kiss on Harriet's forehead before setting her down in her crib.
Soon, April's phone rang from her back pocket. It left her quite surprised with who decided to phone in.
"Matthew? Honey?"
"Hi," he said, his voice dorky and apologetic. "This is pretty lame but, I lost my keys. Would you mind opening the door for me?"
"Uhhh yeah sure," she replied, a bit confused. Matthew was a punctual person but she didn't need two day's notice. "Give me a call when you get to Seattle. I'll be sure to have it open for you when you get here."
"Uhm, okay," he said, with some humor behind his words. "Well. I'm here."
"What?" she said, eyes widening as she stepped out of Harriet's room to head down the stairs. "You're here?"
"Unless I'm at the wrong address," he joked. "But I doubt that."
"Wait. Like here here? Like at the door here?" she asked, nearing the front door and opening it to find Matthew holding a sleeping Ruby in one arm and his phone with the other.
"Yeah," he said, looking at her, still talking through the phone.
April ended the call and slipped her phone inside her back pocket, still in awe. "You guys are… here early."
Matthew raised his eyebrows high and shot her a nervously geeky grin. It was one of those awkward things he did that she personally found rather endearing.
"Need a hand with that little cutie pie you got there?" she laughed, reaching out and offering to carry Ruby so Matthew could lug in his suitcase and a small duffle bag. "Ohhh, well she's down and out. Let me set her down with Hattie upstairs."
"Thank you, dear," smiled Matthew gratefully. April smiled back and turned around to ascend to the girls' room with Ruby cradled in her arms. Left with this own thoughts, Matthew's face grew anxious.
With the girls tucked in, she and Matthew settled down in the living room to catch up on the days that have passed. She was still trying to wrap her head around the fact that he was finally back.
"You - you're here!" April fumbled, reaching in for a hug.
Meeting her, Matthew enveloped her warmly and his eyes pinched closed with an emotion that was hidden from her from over her shoulder.
"I just really needed to see you," he said, his large frame still hugging her tightly as he tucked his head into the crook of her neck. "And talk to you."
"So then talk to me," she said sweetly, running her hands up his back. It made his kind eyes open and his breath hitch quietly as he felt his heart expand, both with love and immense sorrow over what he was about to do.
"This whole thing," he said, breaking away to look at her deeply. "...It hasn't been fair to you."
"I mean, yeah, the two weeks were pretty hard but…" she said softly, gliding her hands down his arms. "You're here now. Earlier than expected even."
Matthew's mouth went dry. He grew more unsure than ever on how to talk to her about what he had come to realize during their time apart.
"It's... not just the two weeks," he said, and she soon caught on to his wary tone. "April…"
"When you say this whole thing," she inferred, taking a step back. "Do you mean…"
"I don't think I've been fair to you… since the beginning."
She paused to take the thought in. "No," she said finally, shaking her head to reassure him. Maybe to reassure herself even. "You have been good to me, Matthew."
"Not as good as you've been to me."
"There's no award for who does it better!"
"April," he said gently. "I'm supposed to be… taking you out on our honeymoon to some fancy beach, or a plane trip abroad… We should be having mind-blowing sex until our lungs give out and one of us has to trach the other and rush 'em to the nearest ER." She pushed out a short breath of amusement as he continued, his eyes impassioned but fully sad. "We should be spooning the life out of each other and staying up all night thinking about nothing more than being together 'til mornings end… But we're not doing those things."
She saw it. In her mind. It was a beautiful picture he painted. But she, too, knew that it was indeed far from the truth.
"Instead," he went on, "I'm taking trips out of town and feeling relieved that I don't have to drive past my dead wife's favorite coffee shop every morning on my way to work. That I don't have to avoid our favorite food truck just 'cause the guy always asks me if I want to bring home her usual like I always do. That I don't have to be afraid of running into her friends, knowing that they'd talk about her and feel sorry for me."
Matthew shook off the tears that these thoughts started provoking. "I'm sure that I'm doing something wrong," he admitted shakily.
"Then why didn't you tell me that this was how you were feeling all along?" April asked.
"...I wanted to protect you and fix it on my own. You've already done so much."
"Matthew, I don't need to be coddled. I need to know how you're feeling. And… I kinda need to know if you still wanna do this," she asked bravely. "If you think this is a mistake."
Matthew looked to the floor to acknowledge his shortcomings. "Do you believe me… when I say that I really really love you? That, even with all this going on, I really… do."
The past events have left them shaky, but the sincerity in his voice made her want to put her faith in him, like how she was putting her faith in their relationship. "Yes."
"April, you pulled me out of the darkest time of my life… and knowing that you'd been going through something too, boy, I wished you all the happiness in the world. I wanted to be the one to give that to you. Like how you gave me my daughter back."
"I get that... and I don't think it's wrong… For two broken people to have each other."
"I don't think so either. You have… no idea how lucky I was to have you with me through that nightmare. But what have I done for you?"
"Matthew," she said sentimentally. "You made me feel... useful. And good."
"Okay well that sounds really… romantic?" He didn't quite understand her choice of words because she didn't tell him that those were the words that Owen used to get her to sign up for their tour in Jordan. That feeling of being useful and good is what kept her going. It made her feel alive.
"Trust me," she said. "It's a very good thing."
"But is it really enough though?"
"Well, I'll let you do all sorts of things for me if that's what you want," she quipped and he laughed a puff of air through his nose. "But right now, I'm here for you."
"God, I don't deserve you," he said, shaking his head.
"Don't you?"
His voice shrunk to a shameful whisper. "You almost died. Because of me, actually, and… and I rushed into it because I almost lost you like I lost her."
"Then… don't rush it. We're not married. We can… take it slow and go back to being-" Then it struck her. Hard. And she said it with defeat. "You can't stay here… can you?"
A dozen possibilities started rushing through her mind. She was good at organizing things. Making them fit. Making them work. She was a resourceful person. But none of her resources seemed to be enough to patch up the dilemma that he already seemed to understand.
"And you can't leave," he said, knowing that he'd never ask her to move away from her daughter even though somehow, that's exactly what he was asking her to do by taking Ruby with him.
"I love her, too, Matthew," she said, tears falling. "I love your little girl."
"I know you do. And she knows it, too. You saved her life. You've been protecting her and caring for her like any real mother would," said Matthew. "It's important you know that."
"But you want to take her away from me."
"No," he said. "It's not that simple. You have a say in this. I just… I just want you to have a say in this."
"So, what?" she said, realizing how difficult a decision it was to make. "Do I just keep you here and have you both? Do I let you go and lose you both? Do I… move with you-"
"No, April, please don't even finish that last one," he cried. "Please don't do that for me."
"I don't know what to do," she sobbed, as her lips shook.
"Do you love me?"
"Yes! Of course!"
"I mean do you love me enough to move far away from co-parenting with Jackson?" he asked, not to test her but to make her see how heavy a change it would entail.
"Well do you love me enough with to stay here without beating yourself up over Karin?" she countered, completely at a loss. "Tell me what to do, Matthew."
They looked at each other for as long as it took for the answer to come. It was make or break for them and they knew it. They took their time examining then reexamining how they felt and how things were supposed to change. There was no clock to catch or time to beat, and nothing was stopping them from spending all evening on it if they had to.
When it clicked, they both felt a wretched stab in their gut with what they had silently agreed on. Matthew went to grab a folder behind the television and April hung her head to the floor and let a teardrop fall on the carpet.
He stood across from her and pulled out their license.
Teary-eyed and all sniffled up, he gave her the document, and with it, the final decision. She ran her fingers across its prints, across their signatures, before looking at him sadly and ripping it in two with a heart-sickening sound. He felt his heart do the same but knew that it wasn't right to keep her waiting until he got better.
"Enough to let you go," she said, ever so reluctantly, and he wrapped her up in his arms as they sobbed into each other's clothes.