Hi! Two things today.

1) This was two chapters until I decided not to cut it off where I did so now it's one - meaning it's a little longer. So deal ;)

2) Thank you all tremendously (yes indeed tremendously) for reading and showing interest in this story. It couldn't mean more to me even if it came from the Queen of England herself. Just… thank you!

Uh, no make that three things. I've decided that Brittany's diary entries will always be looking back to her previous interaction with Santana so they'll almost be like recaps, but with a bunch of Brittany thoughts.

CHAPTER 10

Brittany's POV

Dear note,

I'm writing this in class so remind me to glue you to a page in my diary when I get home, because I want to remember right now.

Santana is really bad with words. Like really bad, but it's okay. It's okay because we're going on a date so… we can practice. I asked her out, just a few minutes ago in the hallway. I was a little nervous and then she said no which made my heart stop but then she said yes. I've never asked anyone out before and I've never been on a date with a girl before. But I have kissed girls before and I even touched a girl boobs once, without the bra and everything, remember that time? It was tingly. I was drunk and things get a lot tinglier when I'm drunk. Not as tingly as Santana's lips on my neck though.

Did I tell you about Santana's lips? I told you. Bet you're getting tired of hearing about it. I just can't stop thinking about them. I wonder how many people she has kissed to be such a good kisser… I've kissed a lot of people but I don't think I'm as good as her. I wish I could kiss myself just to see if I'm a good kisser. I hope I am. I hope she thinks I am.

It's not just about the kissing though. I want her to do other things with her lips. Like form words and talk about things and tell me everything about her. I know it's hard for her, but if I try really, really hard; maybe she will. I'm gonna try my best. Even more than I tried that time I wanted to get an A on my math test.

It's a little weird that she doesn't like ice cream. I mean, who doesn't like ice cream? Everybody likes it. I definitely like it. No, I love it. If I were on death row I'd want ice cream to be my last meal because it's that good. Although if I had to choose between ice cream and Santana; I'd choose Santana because ice cream doesn't kiss like that or smile like that and even chocolate ice cream isn't as pretty as her dark eyes. I just want to be where she is. Right now. I can't wait for this date to happen.

Santana's POV

Cheerio's practice sucked today. I'm on top of the pyramid and Quinn is right under me. I hate that I have to depend on her when I'm mad at her. Even when it comes to just holding my legs. I yank my backpack out of my locker in the changing room. It wasn't fully open so me pulling something out of it makes the door open hard. I expect it to slam against the locker next to mine and then come back and hit me but someone catches it.

"Can we be done fighting?" Quinn's voice is stern, kind of like it's an order rather than a suggestion.

"Technically we haven't had the fight yet. We've just been mad at each other for a couple of hours." I say. It's a joke, I guess. It's not funny or anything. It's just to keep me from caving right away. Not fighting with Quinn is what I want, but I don't want her to think she controls me because she doesn't. No one controls me.

"Can we just skip it?" She sighs. This time she sounds more like she's pleading. Quinn doesn't really beg for things. This is as close as she gets ever.

"Mm-kay." I shrug.

"Good. Because I really wanna shower at your house." She places her hand on my upper arm while saying it. I'm not sure why. Quinn and I don't really have a very touchy-feely relationship. Anymore. Showering at my house… I might have plans though? I glance over at Brittany. She's already half naked. Tearing my eyes away from her and back to Quinn is hard.

"Okay. I'll just- meet you out by the car. I just have to…" I say, a little distracted as I try to usher Quinn out of the locker room.

If anyone ever tries to confront me on this I'll deny it so hard! But I might do something, that in some way, maybe, if you're really picky about things, could have some, tiny little resemblance to skipping when I go over to Brittany. She sees me coming and turns around before I make it all the way.

"Hey." I greet. I try to ignore the fact that she's just wearing her underwear at the moment. It's really hard but luckily I like looking at her face too so I think I do alright.

"Hi." She says back and even waves at me with her fingers. Then I think she feels silly about it because she grabs her waving hand with the other and forces it back down while looking away coyly. I giggle. I've given up trying to deny the fact that she makes me giggle. It just happens. The second her eyes come back to me she lifts her hand again moves a strand of hair away from where it had escaped my pony tail to behind my ear. She smiles bashfully and I smile back. We're just smiling at each other. It's not even awkward.

"So… when did you want this date to start?" Oh wow, Santana, I'm impressed. You actually had the balls to ask something like that.

"Lemme see…" Brittany says hesitantly and holds up her wrist like she's checking her wristwatch. She's not wearing a wristwatch, but okay.

"Five minutes ago." She says matter of factly and looks serious for a couple of seconds before she breaks into a goofy grin. I giggle – again. I don't even know if that's really funny or if it's just her. It's definitely cute. But that's definitely just because it's her.

"Quinn's showering at my house." I say apologetically. I didn't mean to agree to that but it's happening. Brittany scrunches her face in disapproval. It only last a second before she realizes it herself and smoothes it out.

"Okay. What about after that?" She tries to sound casual but her eyes look embarrassed. It's okay. I already know she doesn't go well with Quinn. Or Quinn doesn't go well with her. Or they don't go well together. Whichever.

"After… I'm all yours." Santana, your flirty side is on fire today! Brittany raises her eyebrow in a challenging look and I bite my lip in return. Honestly have no clue what is happening. Maybe this recent calorie burning Sue's crazy practice caused is the reason I'm feeling so confident.

Suddenly Brittany turns to her locker and rummages through it for a while. Muscles are moving in her arms, just flexing all swag. I'm not at all staring. That's a lie. She holds out her phone to me. It's a cute phone. It's actually the same one I have but hers looks older and battered and it has a Hello Kitty sticker on it.

"I don't have your number." She murmurs shyly and lets me take her phone. I consider adding myself as a proper contact but then I'd have to name myself and that's always awkward so I just type in my number and hand it back. She looks at it for a second.

"Cool." She breathes. Almost like she's in awe of having my number. I smile crookedly. How is she so cute?

"I have to go." I say. I don't want to but Quinn's kind of waiting so… I look around. The locker room is filled with people but none of them are really paying attention to us so I lean in and peck her cheek. It's really fast; way faster than when she kisses mine but I did it. Now my lips tingle again.

Quinn is so different today. She seems bothered by something. She walks faster and talks louder. I wonder what's up. I'm not gonna ask though. I don't… no. She puts her bag down on the chair by my desk.

"So do you still wanna talk about it?" It's like a bomb she drops and she turns around quickly; piercing me with her eyes. She's scary today.

"About what?" I ask quickly. I need to buy time somehow. What talking? I don't want to talk. I don't want to talk about anything, ever.

"About what you said." She says gently and comes closer. I'd back away from her but she grabs me and leads me to the bed with her. Once we're seated she opens her mouth again.

"About me humping- About Finn." I knew what she meant. I'm not stupid. I just really don't want to talk about this. I shouldn't have said anything in the first place. I should know better by now. So stupid. I realize after a while I still haven't said anything. She's waiting; and looking like she's expecting something soon.

"Are you jealous of him?" Quinn asks when I still haven't found anything to say. I see an opening. Insulting Finn is easier than talking about real things. I roll my eyes.

"Of Finn? Finn is the most disgusting thing in this universe, and please note that the universe is endless and there's still nothing out there that can beat his level of utter grossness. I personally-" I start ranting. I could talk forever when it comes to insulting Finn. It's like my favorite hobby. Quinn's not having it though.

"Santana!" She interrupts loudly. I roll my eyes again and sigh.

"No. I'm not jealous of Finn. There's nothing he is or has that I want." I state matter of factly. If this is going where I think it is; I need it to turn in the opposite direction and run. Quinn and I… we work because we don't talk about that.

"Not even me?" There it is. I knew she'd say that! I still don't have a good response. So I just look at her. I hope my eyes are telling her that she's an idiot for thinking I still like her that way. From the way she's smiling though… maybe they're not.

"We had it pretty good that summer after sophomore year." She murmurs and looks down to her lap.

"You told me that was a mistake." I state emotionless and stand up from the bed. I remember it so clearly still. I was flying really high and she completely shot me down: "It's time to start dating boys, Santana."

"Maybe I was wrong." Quinn offers gingerly.

"Maybe you were right." I shrug. I need something to fidget with. Something to keep my hands busy. All this talking about serious things has my whole body itching. If all of this would have come a couple of weeks ago I would have probably jumped at the chance to be with Quinn again. Not because I'm still in love with her. I'm really not. I haven't been for a while. But because she was the only one I had ever felt anything for. Now that's not true anymore.

"You told me you were in love with me." Quinn's presses on. I don't think there's anything I can say that she actually wants to hear. I know Quinn doesn't deal with rejection very well. She can go a little crazy. But I also know that Quinn isn't in love with me. She never was.

"I honestly don't know what I was thinking." I say matter of factly and open my closet. I step inside and start looking for some clothes. Quinn appears in the door.

"You kissed me last week." She's so very, annoyingly persistent!

"Again, I honestly don't know-" I look her straight in the eyes in this time.

"Okay, I get it." She interrupts and disappears from my sight again. What the hell was that all about?

Quinn just left. We didn't talk anymore, about anything really. Thank God. I couldn't tell if it was awkward afterwards or just our normal silence. I think maybe awkward. She seemed upset. Not crying or anything; just rolling her eyes at every single thing and sighing audibly. She even wanted to shower first. She never showers first. Then she said bye and left. So really, there was no point at all for her to shower at my house.

I shower really quickly. I don't even stand naked in front of the mirror before. I usually do that because it helps a lot. Every shower is like a motivation refill. I see myself, that flabby excuse for a body staring back at me, and I feel myself, every last bulge and every last handful of fat. It's so gross. How can that not be motivating? But I didn't have time today. Brittany texted me. She's gonna come and pick me up and I have to get ready.

I do everything pretty much the same as every day. It's a casual date after all, right? Except I wear my hair down and not in that stupid pony tail. I don't know why we have to wear our hair like that. Sue might as well force me to wear a sign around my neck that says "Hey, look at me and my fat cheeks."

My phone buzzes where I left it on my bed. I leave it for a second because I'm in my closet trying to decide on something nice. Clothes are harder to pick out. She's finally gonna see me without the Cheerio's uniform on. She's never done that before. I mean I did wear my brother's hoodie once but I had the uniform on under so it doesn't really count. Plus, that hoodie was to hide my stomach fat, not to make me look pretty. I want to look pretty for her.

I can't wear anything tight. If I do I won't be able to relax at all. It'll be all I can think about and I don't want that. My phone buzzes again and then one more time. What's happening? I do a little dance over to my bed and jump on it; scooping up my phone as I land and turning around to lie on my back. Wow, if anyone saw that I'll have to kill them.

Brittany: What are you wearing?

Brittany: NO! Not like in a sexual way. I just… I was getting nervous about what I'm wearing and I wanted to check what you were gonna wear so that I don't look weird.

Brittany: That's silly. I'm sorry.

I smile. I like how she's also nervous about things. She's probably not half as nervous as me because I'm a wreck but still. It's nice. If it's even okay to think it's nice that someone else is nervous? Whatever, I'm not telling anyone. It buzzes again and a new text appears in our conversation.

Brittany: Please ignore me. This is not going how I imagined it in my head :(

I giggle. She's so unbelievably cute. I'm rather confused actually. Everything that used to be super lame is now cute.

What should I send back? I want to be casual but she just rambled - in writing I might add. She's the first person I've met who can ramble in writing. I'd feel mean giving her a short answer. Plus, I like when her texts are long and I don't want her to stop sending long texts just because my replies are short.

Santana: I'm wearing a towel. Not in a sexual way or anything, just sayin. Don't be nervous. You always look… really good.

Santana: Oh, when will you be here?

Brittany: Thank you :) I can be at your house in like thirty minutes?

Santana: It's true. Okay, I'll be ready.

Brittany: Btw, so do you. Always really, really good.

Santana: See you in thirty ;)

...

Exactly thirty minutes later my door bell rings. Not that I was waiting with my phone watching the minutes change or anything. I'm just saying; girl's on time. I run to the door. It's good that my parents aren't home. I wouldn't want them seeing me act like this. I open it and there she is. I almost feel surprised to see her, which is weird because I was expecting to see her. I knew she'd be there. I was 100% sure it was her and still I kind of lose my breath. I'm never gonna get used to her presence.

We look at each other for a while. I start at the ground and follow her long legs up. She looks different today, not like when she dressed for Sebastian. Now she has black shorts with suspenders over a black and white striped shirt with a red, shiny heart on it. Her socks are knee high and wine-red-ish. I like her hair the most. It's curled and flowy and so smooth looking.

I'm not as pretty as her. I'm wearing dark jeans which are a little loose. They used to be tight but they're not anymore. I have a long tight tank under and a shorter, but looser, long sleeved shirt over it. I like to cover as much of my body as I can. There's some cleavage though… Maybe I should wear a scarf? But… she's not wearing a lot of clothes and if I dress in even more we're definitely not gonna be coordinated. Okay, I won't take the scarf.

Should I lean in and kiss her cheek again? Or even her lips? That's a little too bold. Even for the brave, flirty Santana. Brittany has both her hands behind her back but suddenly she reaches one out in front of her.

"I picked you a flower." She says coyly. She's holding a really small, frail looking flower. It's purple. I think they're called crocuses and I also think they're from the Goldstein's flowerbed. They live across the street and they always have a really pretty garden. Did she steal a flower for me? My fingers graze against hers when I take it from her and I linger there. She's felt my hand so many times now I've actually lost count.

I think I look like I don't know what to do with it now because she takes it back and slides it in my hair. It falls out so she takes a hair pin from her own hair to secure it with the second time she slides it in. To do that she needs to take a few steps closer. I think she's closer than she needs to be though because the side of her face is millimeters from mine; her cheek almost, almost touching mine. I'm not complaining. Before stepping back she twists her face to me and kisses my nose. She actually kissed my nose.

"Are you ready to go?" She asks me and half turns around. I nod but a frown forms on my face.

"Where's your car?" I ask sceptically. There are no cars parked on the street so I don't understand?

"Oh I don't have one." Brittany breezes. "I came with my bike." She points to the bicycle lying on my front lawn. How did I not see that? It's bright pink.

"I'll get mine then, I guess." I say and look around for the key to garage. I haven't ridden my bike since I was twelve. Is it even big enough for me?

"No, I'm picking you up! You can sit on the carrier." She beams and takes my hand to lead me to it. I barely manage to close the door before she has dragged me with her. She lets go of me and stands it up. It's kind of hot. She just lifts it with no effort at all.

When we're on the street she stands with it between her legs and waits for me to take a seat in the back before she hops up on the saddle and starts pedalling. It's a little wobbly and first and we almost fall twice but all in all it goes better than I thought. I wrap my arms around her waist and hold on tight. A lot tighter than I need to but I like being close to her. She smells really good. She always does but now that I can press my face up against her it's really strong. I like that I recognize it. I'd know her smell anywhere.

Downhill it's really fast. I'm not scared. It's just really fast. Plus with the speed wind it's a little cold. I wonder how she's never cold. She never seems to be dressed properly.

At one point she lets go of the handlebar with one hand and places it over mine where they rest on her stomach. That tingles. A lot. It tingles in my stomach because I know she's only managing the bike with one hand and we're still going pretty fast and it tingles in my fingers and whole hand because her touch just does that. I turn my hand around so my palm faces outwards and slip my fingers between hers. If someone had told me two weeks ago that I'd be holding someone's hand with interlocked fingers I would have… well, I would have wondered how the fuck they know I don't let people feel my hand, but then I would have laughed in their face. Yet, here I am. Holding a hand. Holding Brittany's hand.

Whenever it's slightly uphill I offer to jump off. She shouldn't have to paddle all my weight up a freaking hill but she insists it's fine and every time she does I tighten my hold. She's so strong. I close my eyes and just feel her warmth and smell her smell. It's nice. This is nice. I'm not saying I was wrong before… but maybe this feelings and closeness thing isn't so bad?

When we get there I peel my cheek off her back and open my eyes. The first thing I see is the word donuts. A huge sign. No, no, no! Holy shit! My heart starts beating faster. My palms start sweating. Shivers go through me and goose bumps travel over my body. Not the good kind; the kind that you get when you watch Black Swan and she peels the skin on her finger that scene in the bathroom. I feel dizzy and I want to throw up. I have to turn away from Brittany while she locks her bike so she won't see the panic in my eyes. I totally forgot to google what's in a donut. Fuck. Fuck! What do I do now?

"Are you hungry for donuts?" I feel arms wrapping around my waist from behind and the question coming closer to my ear. I can't breathe. I try to swallow but my body won't even accept the saliva in my mouth.

"I can feel your heart beating in your stomach." Brittany breathes in awe and flattens her palm to press it against my stomach. I can feel my heart pounding in every part of my body but my stomach is so empty it echoes there. I turn around in her arms and bury my face in the crook of her neck. I don't lift my arms to hug her because they're sort of mashed between us but I don't need to. Brittany holds me closer anyways. Being close to her a couple of minutes ago calmed me so much. Maybe it can do it again? I know it's clingy and desperate and way too soon but she's the one stroking my back so I don't think she minds. I just hope she doesn't ask why. Please, don't ask.

"I wanna show you something." She cooes and pulls away slightly. I nod against her before we're completely apart and she takes my hand. We don't walk far, just a couple of feet actually, but it's away from the donut place so I can breathe again. Maybe it's all I need. Just some time to come up with a new plan. When we're in the center of the town square Brittany sits down on the wide edge of the fountain.

"You wanna show me the fountain? I've lived here all my life… I've kinda seen it before." I say gently. I don't wanna be rude or anything but it's really not a very interesting fountain. She pulls on my hand. Probably to make me sit down next to her but I stumble and end up standing between her legs instead. She raises her eyebrow and smirks. Oh dear Lord, please don't let her see me blushing.

"I want you to meet my friend." She says and looks into the water.

"The fountain is your friend?" I don't mean to sound so skeptical because I know she doesn't make friends easily but… a fountain?

"No silly! The fish." She beams and even points.

"Britt, there are no fish in there…" I say hesitantly. She's not crazy, is she?

"Yes, there is! Just look. He'll come out soon. Come here little Wayne." She dips her fingers in and splashes around for a little bit. I just look. I have no idea what to do. Let's not mention the fact that she's named him Little Wayne… Should I splash also? So she won't feel so stupid when there's no-

"There he is!" She beams and points under water. Holy shit. There's actually a fish in there. How the fuck did a fish end up in there? And how is it surviving? He swims up to her fingers and nibbles on them. She giggles because it tickles and pulls her hand back.

"He's hungry." She states and throws a glance over to the donut place. It makes my heart skip a beat but I don't let it show.

"You feed him?" I'm actually a little impressed with how unafraid he is of Brittany. When she pulled her hand back he followed it to the surface and now he's there and just sort of staring at us.

"I should go get him something." Brittany nods and stands up. "Wait here."

I watch her back as she walks off. She disappears into the donut place. Relax. She's just getting the fish something to snack on. I sit down on the spot she sat on and twist slightly to look into the water. He seems a little scared now that Brittany's gone. He doesn't go away completely but he swims deeper and further away. I dip my finger in and splash like Brittany did. He seems curious with splashing but I'm still too much of a stranger. I keep my finger still for a while and he swims towards my hand. I smile. Why am I enjoying the fact that a fish is warming up to me?

"Hey little Wayne." I coo and bend down to come closer. "Hey! You do look a little bit like Lil' Wayne." He really does. He's got some marks on his face. They look like scars and Lil' Wayne has tattoos but still… there's a definite resemblance. I see myself smile in the water reflection. It's a big, silly smile and I'm not even trying to force it away.

"Wanna know a secret?" Yes, I'm talking to a fish. Get over it. "I like your friend, Brittany."

Not two seconds later Brittany takes a seat next to me holding a donut wrapped in a napkin. She doesn't say anything. She just has a cagy little smile playing on her lips and she pinches a piece of the bread and throws it in. Little Wayne comes swimming like freaking rocket and takes all of it in his tiny mouth. Brittany snorts a laugh and gives him a second piece. I look at her but she won't look back right now. She just keeps smirking like that.

"You totally heard me, didn't you?" I blurt. Brittany turns to me and shakes her head seriously, but it only takes a second for her to break.

"Yeah, I totally heard you." She giggles which makes her shoulders shake the way they do and it doesn't stop. It's not even that funny but she can't stop laughing.

"So embarrassing." I mutter under my breath and cover my face with my hands. I just had to go talk to a freaking fish. I'm so stupid.

"No, it's not. I like you too." She breezes like that's the easiest thing in the world to say to a person. When I don't uncover my face right away she tries to pry my hands away and I just let her. It's my turn to avoid eye contact but she did say she likes me too which technically makes that the second time she's told me. It has to be true, right? It doesn't have to be, obviously, but why would she say that if she didn't mean it?

"Can I ask you something?" I blurt suddenly.

"Is it a math question? Because I'm not very good with numbers. Or words really, but mostly numbers. I'm also not good with recipes and sometimes breakfast confuses me... Mostly numbers though." For someone who claims to be bad with words; she sure has a lot of them. She's so adorable when she rambles.

"No, it's not a math question." I chuckle and shake my head. She looks at me and waits for me to ask it. My throat gets a little dry. It's harder than I thought it would be. But I really want to know.

"Why did you- when Sebastian asked you out… why did you say yes?" I clear my throat after I've asked, like that's gonna help in making it come out smoother. Brittany looks a little troubled. She probably doesn't want to answer that. I shouldn't have asked. We were having a great time and now I've ruined everything. You're so stupid, Santana.

"Oh… he caught me off guard I guess. I wasn't prepared for him to ask and then… it wasn't really a question, more like a statement…" Brittany explains slowly. She's still wearing that troubled look. She almost looks like she's embarrassed.

"Sounds like Sebastian…" I snort. So typical of him to just assume people want to go out with him. So typical of him to just assume people want anything with him, period. He always gets his way.

"I'm so sorry, Santana. I only want to date you, but at first I didn't know if you felt it too and… I wasn't trying to make you jealous… I guess I just wanted to see if you would get jealous." Brittany's voice morphs into something a little whinier. She really does sound like she's sorry. And she's pouting slightly which is the cutest thing ever! I tilt my head down and look at little Wayne. I fidget with my fingernails and then peer up again. She's looking at me.

"You only want to date me?" I ask weakly. A crooked smile pulls at Brittany's lips.

"Well, yeah..." She nods up and down a couple of times. I can't believe it. She only wants to date me. Out of all the people in the whole world; she only wants to date me. I smile at her and she smiles back. I wonder what she's looking at. No, I mean, I know she's looking into my eyes. I know that because I'm looking into hers but I mean… I wonder what she's seeing.

"You ready for some donuts?" The question is like a whip, so fast and painful. It breaks the moment, it breaks my breathing, it breaks everything.

"No, you know what? I forgot my wallet so I can't-" I try to resort to the classics. They usually work.

"This is a date, silly! I'm paying." She interrupts. My eyes widen and I stare at her as she stands up. Maybe if I just don't go with her she'll forget all about it?

"What kind do you want?" She asks happily while starting to back away slowly. Swallowing is hard again but I manage to gulp.

"Doesn't matter." I whisper. It was the loudest thing I could utter. Brittany nods and then skips down the street; only to disappear into the donut place again. Should I leave? I can't leave. Remember rule number two. I can't let anyone know. If I leave Brittany will have a million questions for me. I knew this might happen. This happens. That's why I have rule number two; so that I'm prepared when confronted with situations where I have to eat. Okay, it's okay. I'll have to eat it.

I can see her approaching me again. This time with one napkin wrapped donut in each hand. She's smiling. She's kind of far away but I can still see her smile from here. Does that mean she can tell that I'm not smiling? Quick, Santana, smile! Not that fake smile; she'll know. Think about her. If you think about her the smile will look real, because it will be real.

Brittany's nose. She has a really cute nose. It fits her face. I like that sometimes it looks like someone pinched a little out by the very tip and it stayed like that.

Brittany's vampire teeth. I like those. You can't always see them but in certain smiles you can see her third upper tooth on each side and they're really pointy.

Brittany's mole by the end of her upper lip. I can't not think about that; I like it so much. All the little things that make her Brittany; I like all of those. She's close now.

"Strawberry sprinkles or chocolate glazed?" She asks me and holds out her hands so I can choose. I shrug like it doesn't matter and just take one without looking. If I don't look at what I'm actually eating maybe I can pretend it's chicken or egg white, or even better; lettuce or spinach. I pinch a little piece of it, just like Brittany did with the one before and shove it in my mouth. My lips won't really part so I'm literally shoving it in there. Hm, I got the chocolate one. Hope that wasn't her favorite.

It's really good. That's the worst part. That it actually tastes really good. I hate that. It makes me want to cry a little bit; not that I can do that right now - or ever. I don't understand how my tongue can like it when every other part of me hates it so much. My throat is already protesting and threatening to shoot it out again. My stomach is growling like an angry dog at sensing something's up. I need to distract Brittany from what's happening.

"Which is your favorite donut?" I ask her after forcing myself to swallow the little bit of chocolate bread goo in my mouth. She looks up at the sky for two seconds while thinking and then the answer starts spewing out of her. I knew she'd be opinionated about this. I smile because it worked and because I still find her incredibly cute when she rambles. Every now and then I nod or hum to let her know I'm listening. She's so excited. I wish I could be that excited about something so simple.

But I can't think about that now. There are two strategies to getting through this. I can either eat really quickly so that I'll be over soon or I can eat it really slowly, which is more painful, in hopes of not having to finish all of it. Brittany takes a bite from hers but she wasn't done talking and a couple of crumbs fly out of her mouth. She lifts her hand to cover her mouth and finish chewing. While doing that she just looks at me. She kind of looks like she's expecting something from me. I lift my hand slowly. I have to let it linger by my lips for a while because they won't open right away but I finally manage to take a bite. If there's an extra napkin around here somewhere I can pretend to wipe my mouth and spit it out in it. But I can't do that with every bite. Fuck me.

"… that's why I think the powered ones are my favorite but if I think about it too long I can't choose." Brittany finishes her long rant with another bite. She smiles while she chews so her cheeks get rounder which makes her look like a cute chipmunk or something. I giggle at her and without thinking about it I take another bite of mine too. I realize it when it's in my mouth and I have to swallow. It almost comes up but I'm fairly certain I don't let that show. I would make an awesome poker player with this face.

Brittany asks me questions and I'm so relieved that for those seconds it takes for me to answer I don't have to think about the calories. Then we have a second of silence and it all comes rushing back to me. Fast. My forehead starts to sweat. I ask her questions back so she won't notice me wiping it. I can feel the goo starting to form a blob in my stomach. I can't have it there. It's so dense and… heavy. It's gonna turn into fat and it's gonna end up on my stomach or on my hips or oh god, my thighs. No. I can't. I'm nauseous. It doesn't… I can't-

"I have to go." I stand up quickly and the third of my donut I still hadn't eaten falls to the ground. Brittany stands up to. She looks worried.

"Why?" She asks and sounds so confused. The world is spinning and everything is blurry. It's too much. Blinking doesn't help. Shaking my head doesn't help.

"I just have to." I'm not sure if I say it or if I just think it before I stumble away from her and start making my way down the street. She hurries to my side.

"Do you need me to take you anywhere with my bike?" She sounds really worried.

"No, I'm good." I insist and pick up the pace. At first she stays by my side but then her silhouette disappears from my sight and I know she's stopped. I can't just… I really have to go. Right now... but I stop. I could never just leave her.

When I turn back around I see that she's pouting.

"Did I do something wrong?" She asks weakly and avoids eye contact with me. It's okay. If she looked into my eyes now she'd probably only see a blur of panic. I put my hand under her chin but don't put any effort into tilting it up. Just feeling her skin against my hand is like being grounded, closer to reality. Standing just became easier.

"You were wonderful." I coo as lovingly as I can. "I just really have to leave."

"Kay…" She sounds so small and hurt.

"Can I call you later?" I'm starting to get desperate. The second I see Brittany nodding I turn away again and hurry down the street. After I've turned the corner I start running and after a few more turns I find myself ducking behind a dumpster in an alley.

I'm consumed with nausea but I still don't throw up. Maybe my body knows I hate it and is trying to spare me. I just really need to get that blob out. NOW. My hair falls in my face but I don't care as I shove my fingers so far down my throat I don't have time to pull them away before I vomit on them.

The first couple of retches; stuff actually comes up. Dark brown, thick, smelly goo. I get it in my hair, on my clothes, and I accidentally press my palm against what's actually gotten on the ground. It's a mess. A mess I can't really see because tears are stinging and blurring everything.

I have nothing left but the gagging doesn't stop. It keeps trying to come up from all the way down in my gut. My stomach contracts and tries to spit up something that isn't there. It's like I'm making it angry and it keeps going; determined to succeed. I feel wave after wave of it going through me; making my whole body follow its command but nothing comes out. Does that mean I'm empty again? I have to be.

My fingers are dirty, partly from my own sick and party from touching the filthy ground but I don't care as I force them down my throat again. Another massive retch, I feel this one from my toes, rocks my body. I keep going until my puking has turned into sobbing. I wipe my face with the wrong hand and I smell my vomit on my face. I know this is gross. I know it's so gross. The thing is though, I feel a million times cleaner now.

I lay down on the ground and take a couple of breaths. I'm so relieved I can't help the tears streaming down my cheeks. I search for my phone in my pocket and pull it out. My fingers are shaking so badly as I find the contact and press call. It only rings once before I hear someone greet me on the other line. I hesitate before I speak.

"Can you come pick me up?"