Chapter 11: The One Where It All Gets Screwed Up

I can't believe I even fell asleep. The last thing I remember is Kelly next to me, fitting like a freaking glove. Her back to me, us spooning...damn. It was almost too much. Hell it was too much. I remember mentally begging whoever had the horrible job of looking after me to help me not do anything stupid... I didn't. At least my head says so. My blood on the other hand...When I opened my eyes, I found my arm draped over a pillow instead of her. I blinked a few times, looking around. "Kelly?" I said, sitting up then hopping off the bed, "Where are you?"

As I went out of my room, I found the house empty. Gone. She's just gone. Well damn. She just left? This is good. Separation. No awkward morning where I try to apologize for holding her closer than ever. Time apart. We need that. I need that. Right? A note would've been nice though. I mean...did she just go home? Is she okay? Something could've happened and I have no way of knowing...I sighed.

But no matter what last night kept rolling through my mind like a never ending movie. First, the snowball fight where she grinned at me and laughed. Then seeing her in just my t-shirt looking so incredibly freaking hot... Next, her curling next to me and watching the movie. Finally her in my bed... next to me, almost freaking attached to me….damn. It's all so much, so damn much. When will it end? Oh right, it won't.

I opened the fridge and ate whatever was on the plate I found. I glanced at the clock. Either the pack would find me or I could go find her. I sighed. At least with her I wouldn't get lectured...and I could make sure she's fine. I mean there's no reason she wouldn't be right? But what if something did happen? I better go.

I headed out, making it to that familiar window in no time. I tapped on the glass and she opened it. I hopped inside, "Hey."

"Hey," she replied, sitting back on her bed.

"You mind telling me why you disappeared without a word this morning?" I asked. She didn't say anything right away. "I knew you hated my house."

"That's not it," she chuckled, rolling her eyes, "I just-I didn't want it to be awkward."

It's too late for that. Shit, she feels awkward about it. Damn it. I knew I shouldn't have suggested sleeping like that.

"Besides," she went on, "I figured the pack would call sooner or later and you wouldn't even notice I was gone," she smiled, "You needed sleep anyway and I didn't have a reason to wake you."

Of course. Nothing too crazy she just wanted me to get sleep. Even though for some reason I slept better with her there...

"Leave a note next time-kay?" I said, stepping towards her, "When you woke up and I weren't there...I thought something might've happened to you."

"Sorry," she said biting her lip and glancing to the floor before back at me.

STOP. She has to stop doing that…..

"It's fine," I said. I was about to say something else but then heard the whistle. Damn. "But," I said, "You were right about the guys. I gotta go but uh-see you later?"

"Yeah," she said, lips curled upward.

I grinned back then I popped back out the window. I phased and hit the tree line within moments.

"What's up?"

"There's been some activity north of here."

"Another straggler or group?"

"Not sure."

"We headed that way?"

"Not yet. Just keep good perimeters. Embry, you and Jared take the first one till tonight. Jake and I will take over after ward."

"Got it."

"What about the rest of us?"

"Like I said, we're keeping perimeters, the rest of you focus on keeping the town safe. We'll update you if anything else comes up."

"How far north?"

"Near far little movement. Be ready though. I'll let you know when we move."

Jared and Embry ran off.

"How soon do you want me to be back?"

"We'll take over at sundown."

"Anything through the channels from Forks?"

"Nothing new."

"So Jake…"

I phased back before Embry and Seth could see my thoughts. I know they're dying to know if I caved last night. I didn't. Not yet, anyway. I'm not gonna lie, it was so close. Having her next to me, close was so...soothing. It's just my blood showing me how perfect we are. I sighed and gritted my teeth. I wish it would stop and then I wish it wouldn't. She's freaking amazing but the damn timing couldn't be worse. Why couldn't this have happened before Bella? What would it have been like if I had met her first? I could see it. So much wouldn't have happened and I wouldn't be in this damn situation or having to choose. But never seeing Bella again...no I couldn't think of that. Besides, no point in it. It's not reality. At least being friends is manageable.

I headed back her way. When I got there, just as I was about to knock on her window I saw her. She lay on her bed, head to pillow but not in good way. I saw the tears rolling, staining her face. I just reacted just like when I saw her in the Rabbit. I rushed inside and pulled her into my arms, her face to my chest. I felt the warm wetness against me. She squeezed me and I squeezed her back. I couldn't move. Wouldn't even if I could. I had to make whatever it is go away. It was more than a feeling it was like...my duty. She cried still and I just held her tighter, comforting her as best I could. I don't know what's wrong. All I do know? I will do anything to make her smile again. She should never look like this...tears falling, the pain...she deserves to be happy. As she stopped I lifted her to face me. I gently pushed her hair out of her face and wiped away the last few tears with my thumbs. "You okay?" I asked. Dumb question. Clearly she's not. But why?

She played it off. Typical. Nah-huh. "Hey...we tell each other everything...you can tell me. I know something is eating at you, I can see it," I paused, "I've never seen you like this before...please?"

Kelly looked at me, hesitating for a moment. She filled me in about everything just coming to the forefront. This girl I tell you. She puts everyone: me, Eric, her dad...everyone always comes before her. She stays strong for all of us but never takes one second for herself. She deserves a break. After everything she's been through...She needs to just have someone do everything for her. Not even needs, deserves it. Whoa...What can she have to tell me? We basically know everything about each other…..right?

"You know why I came here but did you hear about what happened...before?"

I shook my head. I just knew her parents died. What else is there?

When she told me about her ex-Dan or whatever-the more I felt angry. She barely looked at me...clearly she's not that ready to talk about this. They why is she telling me? I mean, I'm glad. We do tell each other everything. Still I couldn't believe this guy. Who could want anyone else when she's so giving, beautiful, sweet, funny...okay I guess I'm not a great one to judge but the situation is 're not together right now but if we had been...cheating isn't cool. Can't even understand why he would. Kelly is...well freaking perfect. If she was mine...If I didn't have a promise to keep, I would never let her go. Not a chance.

"I'm sorry," I said, "He was an idiot."

She glanced at me, "Thanks, but unfortunately that's not the end."

"What do you mean?" I asked, furrowing my eyebrows.

"Any...any guess to what particular day this could've happened?"

Day...why would that matter….unless… "No…"

As she explained everything that happened next, between the phone call and then finding them at the scene...I ached for her. A few more tears fell again as she spoke and I pulled her in close to me again. "I'm sorry," I whispered, hugging her close to me.

"Worse was telling Eric. I don't know how but I pulled myself together long enough to break the news to him," a couple more droplets fell, "Sorry...I thought I was done."

"It's okay," I said, wiping them from her face, "My mom, she died in a car wreck too. I was only 9 so I don't really remember but...but Rachel does and so does Rebecca, my other sister. Both of them couldn't handle it.. Pretty sure my dad still isn't over it. I think he wishes it was him, not her."

"Sorry," she replied, putting her hand in mine. She paused a second, searching my eyes, "You know...I've never...never told anyone about the phone call. At least not what I said. I guess...I just feel so guilty like I somehow jinxed them."

"Hey," I said, pushing back another strand of hair, "It's not your fault."

I had no idea she had so much more below the surface. So much pain...and she hides it. And here all I want to do is make it disappear.

"It feels like it sometimes," she said then gulped, "Anyway um...there was a point to me telling you this….It's just...you've been hurting, as much as me, since I met you. And now I finally am starting to feel like me again. You're my best friend. The best I could've asked for."

I grinned. "Ditto."

Suddenly her smile disappeared. "I uh...I have to tell you something-you're probably not going to like it…"

The suspense honestly was killing me. "Just say it," I said.

Kelly didn't look at me. She fiddled with her hands as she spoke. "...I'm in love with you…" The minute the words came from her lips my heart stopped. Warmth overtook me, happiness...everything my blood wanted finally coming true and I should be celebrating... but I wasn't. I jumped from the bed and faced away from her. I couldn't look. If I did...there's no telling what I'd say-what I'd do. I did want this and hearing her apologize over and over….I gritted my teeth. I wanted to turn to her, tell her there was absolutely nothing to apologize for, that we are meant to be and always have been and that I-but I won't-can't. She's not the only girl I made a promise to. How the hell did this happen? A minute ago we were friends, just friends and now…

I ran my hand through my hair, surprised I didn't yank any out in the process as I did it aggressively. I looked out the window, searching for a solution-an answer for what to do. How can I fix this? How can we still go on like we were...or can we? How can I tell her I can't...without breaking her heart? I felt her come up behind me and gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut when I heard her beg, "Jake...please say something."

I can't. I'm such a jerk. I'm supposed to be the best thing for her...but I'm not. I'm probably the freaking worst. I can't tell her how amazing she is and then tell her I don't see her that way, that I can't see her that way. Or can I? No...Bella...it's all about Bella. She's the one I made a promise to and I have to keep it. And in doing so? I'm about to break my best friend's heart. A few minutes I heard her sigh and say, "I'm sorry."

Kelly. Why- why are you in love with me? You shouldn't be...Oh God she's gonna cry. And this time it's my fault. The one who is supposed to take away her pain. I clenched my fists. Why does this have to be so damn hard? There has to be a way… a way to be back where we were. I mean...didn't I do everything to make sure this didn't happen? ...Well that's not true. I toed the line. Yeah right. I crossed it. I know I freaking did and I didn't regret it then and I still don't. Well I didn't, until now. Now she's in love with me and that should be the best news. I should have her in my arms, hugging her, kissing her, telling her everything will be better….but I can't. Not if I still want to keep my promise to Bella. And I do. I still do. Even though my blood is screaming at me, I know I still want Bella.

"Maybe...maybe it'd be good to get some more time...apart."

That might work. Or it'll kill me. I can barely stand how much less I've been seeing her already. Maybe though...if I wasn't around her everyday...or every other day...Oh man. It's gonna kill me. But it's the only option. I finally turned to look at her. My heart broke a little when I saw the stains from her tears, tears I'd caused. I saw the guilt in her eyes and I felt my own, "I'm...I'm sorry I guess I'm still...in shock."

Understatement of the year but whatever. "...but...you're right. I love Bella. I will until her heart stops," She nodded and looked away. I stepped closer. Oh man. Am I really about to do this? "I'm not mad Kel...but maybe...maybe we should be apart for awhile," I paused, gulping, "What we have...being best friends, it's worth holding on to," she nodded and I clenched a fist. What the hell am I doing? "I don't wanna lose it."

You. I don't wanna lose you. But I can't be with you. Not like that. Not now. But I can't lose you. I backed away and tossed a leg over the window. "I'll see you around...kay?"

I hopped out and ran, taking every bit of self-control to not look back. Though I was further way, I could hear her crying again...over me this time. I felt my insides tearing apart. It's all my fault. If I didn't give her the 'look's and keep pushing and pushing the limits...I phased at the treeline. I howled and just kept running. I ran to the treaty line. She's not there, she's still in college. Bella. She's the one I love. The one I live for. The one I'd die for. Right? Or did I just break the one girl's heart who can love me?

I'm such a jerk. I think everyone knows that. If they didn't, they do now.