Beck doesn't take it well.

"You don't have to do this," he says gravely. "Tori - she already knows we know each other, that we were together. She can't dictate who you can and can't be friends with."

"Yeah, but we are not friends." Jade bites her lips. She didn't feel right about doing this over the phone at first, but now, she's almost happy. As happy as she can be, anyway. "Beck, I'm sorry. I really am, but we have to stop seeing each other while I'm with Tori. It's too dangerous. Yesterday, I almost - I'm afraid I'll give it away."

"You won't."

"You can't know that."

Beck is silent on the other end, and Jade almost lets out a sigh of relief but then he speaks again, muted anger palpable in his voice. "You're really doing this. You're breaking up with me." 'Over her' hangs in the air, unspoken, heavy.

"Beck, this is not a break up," she tries again. He just wouldn't listen. Why can't he listen to her? He was fine last night. He promised to be there for her. "It's a - a break, okay? I have to be with her for this to actually work."

'Please say you understand. Please.'

Beck scoffs. "Because she's so faithful to you in return," he mutters.

"What do you mean?" She blinks. "Do you know something?" The idea of Tori cheating on her is - well, it's hysterically ironic, all things considered. But it's also so unfathomable to her. To think of Tori cheating on anyone is incomprehensible, especially someone she cares about.

'So you think she cares about you?'

"I - no," Beck stumbles over his words for a second before fire is back in his voice. "But I know her. She's not gonna be satisfied with you for very long, especially since you don't…" he trails off before sighing with agitation, and doesn't continue.

She freezes. He can't mean what she thinks he means, because that would be low. So low. "Since I don't what?" she huffs when he stays silent. "Since I don't what, Beck?"

"Forget it," he mutters. "Look, you made the decision, obviously. I'm not going to beg, but I need some time to… come to terms with it, I guess. Hope you understand." His voice is distant, like it always is when he gets upset with her. And she gets it. She gets it, she fucking gets everything and everyone but that doesn't give him an excuse to be an asshole.

She knows very well what he was about to say before, and she's not going to let it go. "Since I don't what, Beck? Since I don't actually fuck her, is that what you were going to say?" His silence tells her everything she needs to know. "She'll grow bored of me and find someone else, is that it?"

"You can't expect her to wait for you forever, Jade," Beck points out. She doesn't like this version of him. Sometimes, it's almost as if there are two people residing in his body, and when the real Beck, her Beck, with a boyish grin and kind eyes, is too tired to keep going, this Beck takes over. And it's like Beck snaps.

Except they are one and the same. It's all Beck. The good and the ugly. Once upon a time, she thought she'd never stop loving all of it.

She wonders what Tori's ugly side is like.

She wonders if her own is better or worse than she thinks. "Of course," she says slowly. "But who said anything about forever?"

Beck's voice is even. "What?"

"I told you, Beck." He said he understood. He said- "I have to be with her. That means being with her. Because you're right - I can't expect her to wait for me forever." Would she? "Sooner or later, I will have to reciprocate."

Beck lets out a choking noise before clearing his throat. He doesn't say anything.

Jade sighs. "I really am so, so sorry," she whispers. "Take as much time as you need. Goodbye, Beck." She waits for him to say anything back, but after several long, anxious seconds, he quietly hangs up.

It's not a break-up, she thinks. It's not, it's not-

Why does it feel so much like one?

She hates herself for it, but, as she listens to the dial tone, she can't help a small, childish, incredibly selfish thought that Beck was supposed to be there for her. That he chose his pride and feelings over her. Again. And she hoped so, so much that he'd choose her.

Tori, at least, gave her a warning that she can't fully make that promise.

Something Beck's said has struck a chord, however empty the conversation has left her. She needs to do something about her situation with Tori. She can't keep taking without giving, and Tori must be getting tired of either riding her thigh or using her own fingers to achieve release.

Not that Tori herself has mentioned anything. She's been ridiculously sweet about the whole thing, but Jade knows she's expecting… things from her. She has to be. Everyone does. And even if she's not impatient now, she will be soon.

The best defense is a good offense, so Jade brings it up herself, when they lay in bed after sex - well, after Tori fucking her, really. That's the whole point. "I'm sorry," she whispers into Tori's neck.

"What?" Tori shifts under her, and Jade imagines her expression to be that of perplexity. "Why?"

She wonders if Tori's playing dumb or if she actually doesn't know what Jade's talking about. "Because I don't… I don't do anything in return."

"Jade," Tori tries to lift Jade's chin so she can look at her, but she doesn't let her, choosing to stay burrowed in her embrace. She lets her be. "Don't apologize for not being ready, please."

"What if I never am?"

'You can't expect her to wait for you forever.'

Tori's words are quiet and sure. "Then you're not." She speaks again after a brief pause. "Could you look at me, please?"

"No," Jade mumbles into her neck. "You smell good."

Tori chuckles. "I'm all sweaty."

"Exactly." She sighs, but finally lifts her head up, finding Tori looking at her. "I'm serious, Tori," she says. "We've been going out for months, and I've never… I haven't made you feel as good as you make me feel," she finishes bashfully.

This feels real. Too real.

She can see Tori trying to hide an amused smile. "All this time," she murmurs, "and you still have no idea what you're doing to me, do you?" a gentle kiss pressed to the corner of her lips. "You make me feel incredible. Don't ever doubt that, okay? This," she cups Jade's cheek, "this is enough. More than enough. If you think you're not going to be ready, then you're not going to be ready. It's up to you to decide what to do about it. I will never demand anything from you."

This, Jade thinks - this is where she should tell her she loves her, but that's one line she's not willing to cross. Out of all cruel things she's done to Tori, this one - she won't be able to come back from.

She wonders if she's talking about Tori or herself. "I know you won't do that. Of course I do." Tori's skin is warm, if a little sticky with their shared sweat. "But I do want to be ready. I just don't… I want you to like it," the last part is said in a barely audible whisper. Jade thinks if it's time to stop lying to herself that she's simply playing her part.

"I already like it," Tori says easily. "It's with you."

"No, Tori - you know what I mean," Jade huffs, holding a sheet to her chest as she sits up, slipping out of Tori's arms. Sometimes, Tori's presence is overbearing. In another life, in another world, she would have found it sweet. Would have loved it. Would have loved her, perhaps.

But in this one, it only serves to remind her of her own terrible decisions she's made. Was forced to make. Was she?

Behind her, Tori sighs. "I'm sorry," she offers gently. Jade imagines her fingers hovering near her naked back, almost grazing her skin before Tori withdraws them, not sure if she wants to be touched. "I've never really experienced what you're going through. My first time was… We were young and impatient."

Jade turns her head to study Tori who smiles back. She looks so comfortable in Jade's bed, leaned back against her headboard, naked shoulders and breasts on display. A sheet she has draped over herself carelessly slides down, revealing more of her taut stomach, and Jade finds she wouldn't mind nibbling at those abs.

She lifts her eyes back to Tori's face, not finding a cocky smirk there at having caught her so shamelessly checking her out. "Was it with that girl you loved? The one you mentioned the other day?" She asks quietly. That's something she's been thinking about, as well. They haven't really discussed their exes. Jade had, but she kind of had to. Last night was the first time she's heard about Tori's, and it was in passing, briefly.

'I only had one.' So she's been in love once before. Which one of those girls? Somehow, Jade has a feeling it's none of them.

Tori shakes her head. "No," she admits. "I met her later. That was purely about physical attraction."

'How fitting', Jade thinks darkly to herself.

Tori continues. "I'm sorry that I can't relate to your fear," she says softly. "But I do understand. I can only tell you that I don't expect anything from you, and if you decide to… I mean, um, I will help you through it." She feels a smile tug at the corner of her lips when Tori stutters with her words, visibly flustered.

"I know," she whispers, leaning back to peck Tori's lips. "Thank you."

"I can't believe you let me think I was a good cook when you can do this." Jade stares, almost mesmerized, as Tori expertly chops up an onion, the knife moving so fast and sharp she's half-afraid for those deft fingers.

Tori lets out a soft laugh. "You haven't even tasted it yet," she points out. "What if it's awful?"

"I doubt that," Jade mutters, still watching Tori's hands at work. Figures they'll be good at anything, she thinks.

If Tori notices her slight blush, she doesn't mention it. "It might be," she says. "This is the third time I'm cooking this, so bear with me."

Third time is truly a charm, because the meal turns out incredible. Jade briefly contemplates whether or not having some more would be appropriate, but in the end she decides it doesn't matter. It's good - amazing - and life's too short to be worried about appearances. Especially when it's only Tori.

"You tricked me," she says accusatory, glaring at Tori before taking another bite. "This is amazing. If it's really your third time cooking this, I'm even more bitter."

"Well," opposite of her, Tori rubs the back of her neck, a little sheepish. "I - the first two times were for practice. I cooked this yesterday." Light pink colors her cheeks, and Jade knows that if she were to tuck chestnut locks behind her ears, she'd see the same pink on the tips, too. "Twice."

Jade really tries not to laugh, but this is too good. "No way," she snickers. "No way you're serious." She can't imagine Tori - well, she actually can imagine Tori constantly over preparing for things, but for a date? With her? She didn't even have to cook. She could have just ordered something and called it a day.

Plus, there's no way she could become this good with a knife in a matter of days.

Tori looks down at her plate, seemingly contemplating something before her eyes meet Jade's again over the table. "I actually used to be terrible at cooking."

Jade wants to say 'no way' again, to laugh a disbelieving laugh because, again, she can't ever imagine Tori being bad at something. But something stops her, and before she has a chance to try and understand what, Tori's talking again. "I even burned toast," she chuckles, the look in her eyes growing a little distant. "I didn't really need to learn how to cook. I didn't know I wanted to until - until someone suggested I try cooking classes."

Jade blinks. She doesn't know what she expected, but for some reason it wasn't this.

What is 'this', exactly? Tori working hard to achieve something? She wonders, with a sinking feeling, if Beck's tales really did get to her so much that she assumes Tori simply has everything. Without putting any effort in.

She clears her throat. "And you were best in class, weren't you?"

Tori smirks.

"I almost got expelled."

This time, Jade lets a disbelieving smile spread on her face, slowly, like the rising sun. "No. You can't get expelled from cooking classes."

"You can when you set the class on fire." Tori chews for a moment. "And give people food poisoning." She laughs when Jade pretends to discreetly push her plate away. "I told you - there are many things I haven't mastered."

"Maybe," Jade says, taking a sip of wine. "But your memory freaks me out a little. So what happened next? You said you almost got expelled. What made them let you stay?"

"Oh," Tori says nonchalantly, and Jade nods. Right. She probably donated some money to them. "I had to beg the chef to let me stay. Learned a couple of French expletives before he agreed on several conditions." Oh.

Jade's curiosity peaks even higher. "What were they?"

"He gave me probation and I was to be supervised at all times," Tori says with an amused twinkle. "There was another one, but I'm not sure if he was joking or not." A confused frown takes over her features for a second, like Tori's still trying to figure it out.

"It's not something… Illegal, is it?"

"Since I followed through, obviously yes," Tori laughs, ducking when Jade throws a rolled-up napkin at her. "No, nothing illegal. He told me to stay away from his daughter." She sips at her wine. "My reputation does precede me."

Jade blinks. "Wow. Reputation or not, that was a very rude thing to say."

"Don't worry, I'm pretty sure he was joking," Tori chuckles. "His daughter was in our class, but we barely knew each other."

'Isn't that enough?'

Jade frowns, shaking off the thoughts that are, no doubt, a result of Beck's earlier words. "Well, those classes certainly didn't go to waste," she comments lightly, glancing down at her plate. It's an easy meal - chicken with vegetables, salad, and toasted baguettes with a spread Tori made from scratch. The serving isn't unnecessarily beautified, and the meal doesn't look obnoxiously pretentious. There was no over-the-top presentation, and Tori didn't lecture her about wine for half an hour. It's a simple yet elegant homemade meal that makes Jade think of warm blankets and snowfalls and quiet kisses shared to quiet music.

She blinks again, rapidly, as if that will chase the thought away.

"I'm glad you like it," Tori replies, a small smile ever-present on her lips. "Compared to you, though, I'm not that good, considering."

Unexpected to herself, Jade flushes. "Well, uh, my cooking is… passable."

"Any cooking classes you don't want to tell me about?" Tori teases lightly.

Her brother taught her, actually, but she doesn't want to bring him up when she's with Tori. And Tori, after trying a couple of times, doesn't ask. She's pretty sure she knows everything about his state anyway. "No, not really." That is some fine wine, she thinks as she hurriedly lifts the glass to her lips. It's a little cold in her apartment, but alcohol helps her feel warmer. She knows it's an illusion, though. Alcohol actually interferes with her body's attempts to keep her core body temperature up.

An illusion.

Tori's still looking at her, like she usually does: without expectation. Simply taking her in, as if she can't quite get enough. The silence starts to get to her, so she looks for a new topic of conversation. "Do you have any plans for the holidays?" she blurts out the first thing that comes to mind.

She doesn't expect Tori to cringe. "I'll have to check my calendar but I'm pretty sure I have several gala dinners to attend," she says, and for a second Jade swears she hears a spec of frustration in her voice. "You could - join me, if you'd like." Frustration is replaced by nervous anticipation, and Jade can't help but smile at her.

A gala dinner with Tori. Isn't that's how it all was supposed to happen?

(There are so many things that were supposed to happen, and just as many that weren't; but Jade's been finding lately that when it comes to Tori, most of her plans fall through.)

She's not sure she wants to go somewhere where Alice, Andre, and Bird will get to look down on her, all unfairly gorgeous and, admittedly, rather fairly judgmental. "I think I've had enough of social functions," she says, mostly meaning it as a joke. But the guilty look that flashes through Tori's eyes makes her swallow and continue, hurriedly. "I'm just not - I don't like crowds. Or dressing up. I just like… I just like you."

Something is spreading through her chest, warm and not entirely unwelcome.

"Oh," Tori says quietly. "I - I like you, too. Certainly more than those functions," she smiles. "If I didn't have to attend half of them, I wouldn't. So I get it."

Jade watches brown eyes dim and thinks of Tori standing in the center of yet another grand venue, suit clean and sharp and gaze distant. Tall and proud and alone, with people shaking her hand and smiling fake smiles full of fake teeth. She blinks. "I - my friends are going to rent a cabin, but I'm not going this year. I thought of getting takeout and watching Charlie Brown for Christmas. I don't really celebrate it, but it's nice to do something on a day off, I guess."

"It does sound nice," Tori says without sarcasm.

Surprisingly, she's fully aware of what she's about to say. "You should come. If you want to. And if you can." When she sees a shadow of hesitation on Tori's face, she presses on. "It doesn't have to be Charlie Brown. You might get to pick the movie."

The corners of Tori's lips twitch before quirking upward. "Might?"

"If you behave," Jade smirks, swallowing a mouthful of wine and enjoying the spark of hunger in Tori's gaze. That is some damn fine wine.

"Of course." Tori's smile grows bashful, and Jade's chest feels full. So full it's overflowing, but she doesn't want to let it spill. "Thank you for inviting me, Jade."

That's not an answer, though. "Is that a yes?"

(Which one does she want to hear?)

Tori's smile is reserved yet brilliant at the same time. "Yes," she says. "I look forward to it." So it's settled, then. She's spending Christmas with Tori.

It's a conflicting feeling, Jade finds - realizing that she's looking forward to it, as well.