I know it's been about a month, but I have a decently sized chapter for you because of it! I typically write out an outline for a chapter, so it takes a bit of time, but organizes my thoughts. For example, had some scene ideas for this chapter, but they will be carried over into the next chapter instead. So after the wait, I do hope everyone enjoys! Thanks for the support for everyone who reads this story!
Chapter 11: Joys of Acceptance
Cid had settled himself into his stool, drinking the drinks that Tifa mixed for him as they talked, mostly about Loz's stay with her. Everything was discussed, including a particular subject that worried Tifa more than having to confront Cloud about Loz's existence and stay in her bar. While Reno may keep his word and not breath a word of Loz's existence to Rufus Shinra, plenty of citizens had seen Loz. From when she had taken him out to shop for clothing, the ice cream shop, and the patrons of her bar. Stories were sure to circulate...and would that not catch Shinra's attention? Cid was expressing great surprise that the town hadn't come together, marched to her bar with torches, and demanded for Loz's hanging. These thoughts began to churn in Tifa's head like a building storm as she kept on giving Cid his drinks. Should she worry about an imminent attack from Rufus? Somehow she felt if she could convince Cloud of Loz's new lease on life, her theory about Aerith being behind it, that even Rufus couldn't touch Loz. Cid's light eyes were staring down into the crystal clear glass at the last swig of the amber liquid remaining when he addressed Tifa.
" Y'know...that one seems pretty attached to ya. Considerin' he gave you a pretty good beating when he and his brothers were causin' trouble. If all you say is true, Tifa...you think you can convince Cloud? I imagine one hell of a fight's goin' to break out the moment Cloud lays eyes on him," Cid said, his eyes now drifting up to look at Tifa, wondering if she would answer his question directly. She had paused as she was looking down at the glass she was cleaning in the small sink.
" I think I can. Loz told me that 'Mother' told him to live his life...you think Jenova would have truly told him that? Even if Sephiroth was behind his return to us...I hardly believe that he would have instructed Loz to do that. I truly believe...that it was Aerith. Maybe acting as 'Mother' so Loz would listen. He's been doing so well...I think I can convince Cloud. Even the children are warming up to him, and not even Cloud can say no to Marlene," she explained rationally. Every feature in Cid's face told her that he didn't believe she had a chance, but Tifa was stubborn, and she would argue until Cloud saw reason. After all...Loz had a while now to cause her or the children harm and he hadn't. He'd been nothing short of cooperative, and genuinely curious about life besides hunting for Mother, getting in fights, and riding around with his brothers.
"Tifa...I hope you're right," Cid said, drinking down that last bit of his drink, and setting the tumbler on the bar. Personally, Cid was not about to suddenly forgive that remnant for anything, and accept him so quickly as Tifa had. The tumbler was taken back by Tifa who proceeded to wash it in the sink with the other glasses she hadn't gotten to last night. "I got to get goin'. You take care, ya hear?"
Tifa smiled and paused, waving as Cid got up and headed out of her bar, no doubt back to his airship, wherever he had it docked. The last of the glasses were washed and put on a rack to dry, and the damp towel tossed onto the counter. The bar was clean, but it still needed to be fully stocked, and she had a shipment coming in later that she and Loz would have to put away in the cellar. They had time before that shipment was expected to arrive, time which Tifa wanted to spend talking to Loz, knowing he would be upset about Cid's vulgar outbursts.
Knuckles rapped softly on the closed door to Loz's room. There was no immediate answer from him. "Loz, may I come in?" she asked. There was no answer when she asked permission to enter the room. The slender hand turned the knob, then gently pushed the door open wide enough to poke her head in and see what Loz was doing. She saw the man sitting on the edge of his bed, his head down and his arms balanced on his knees. Loz didn't stir when she opened the door further and slipped into the quiet room with him. The door was pushed close, the metallic latch bolt clicking softly as it slid into place. Tifa crossed over the thin carpet of his floor and placed herself on the edge of the bed, not far from where he sat.
" Loz, are you okay?" she asked kindly. Mako eyes glanced to the side at her a moment before focusing back onto the carpet below him and its fading patterns. Loz didn't move a muscle as he sat there. As Tifa leaned forward a bit to glimpse at his face, she noticed a few trail marks down the corners of his eyes...as if he'd been crying. It brought back memories of her fight with him in the church. The phone call he received and answered, where he hurriedly whispered he wasn't crying. Despite all the muscles he had, he seemed to have a soft side.
"Loz...you don't have to be upset. I'm okay, really. Cid tends to say things that he doesn't mean when he is upset. It's pretty normal for people to do these things," Tifa explained in a very patient and kind voice. A soft sigh fell from the man's lips. He seemed rather pained by the thoughts he had on his mind.
"No, it-it's not just that...what he said was mean. But it made me...made me feel...bad. The things he s-said about me. The things I did, you know. I was just trying to find Mother with Kadaj and Yazoo 'cause that was important to us. But...Mother let me live...and makes me wonder if like..." he trailed off, his light colored eyebrows knitting together in concentration, as well as an attempt to not let fresh tears spill from his eyes while Tifa was sitting beside him. " if...Mother had said something to us before all that...maybe me and my brothers could have had a more different life...maybe wouldn't have hurt the people we did. What your friend Cid said...I feel...upset, I think. Like I wish I hadn't done what I did now...kinda seems stupid..."
Tifa listened patiently as Loz tried to describe his feelings. Remorse was heavy in his heart for what he done. It was evidence the man could feel emotion, and had a good chance of leading a normal life if he had the right support. Unsure eyes looked over to her once more. Tifa always seemed to have an answer for everything, and was decent at explaining things to him. That warm, calming smile was there to greet his gaze.
" It's called remorse. It isn't stupid, Loz. You did what anyone else would do...search for someone that means a lot to them. But you realized maybe this wasn't what Mother wanted...and it's okay. The way you feel now, it means you have the capacity to be sympathetic. That you do care about others and what you do that may impact them. That's normal, Loz. And it's nothing to be afraid of. Nothing about it makes you weak. In fact...it is what usually makes us all the more stronger, when we care about other people," she explained in a way a mother may to a child. Loz lifted his head as he listened. Kadaj would have called being caring as weak or stupid, then followed up with laughing at him. The thought of that made him angry...Tifa was so caring and kind, unlike how he and his brothers had been. This form of such sincere kindness was quite unlike anything he was used to.
"You're nice, Tifa...I've never had anyone be nice to me before like you have. Then again...I really never knew anyone else but my brothers...they weren't like you," he said as he continued to gaze at her. A shadow of a smile was forming on Loz's face.
"Maybe one day we can have you formally apologize to the town then. You can say sorry to everyone...explain you feel bad about what you done, and ask for forgiveness. It would be a start down the right path. What do you think?" she asked him. Fear crossed his features as he gave that thought. Tifa was one person. One very kind, and very forgiving person. But even Loz knew not everyone was the same. The people of this town wouldn't easily forgive him for what he and his brothers had done to their children. A simple apology wouldn't suffice in their minds. Eyes narrowed and he cast his gaze back to the frayed and threadbare carpet.
"Tifa, no...I...I couldn't. My brothers...Kadaj. The whole Geostigma thing was our fault! And what we did to the kids...I don't think anyone would forgive me for that. Sounds like it's asking a lot," he said with frustration in his voice. Tifa reached over and put her hand on his back. The leather was supple under her touch, well worn in from since he gotten the outfit. The comforting touch didn't go unnoticed by Loz. He seemed to relax at the gentle contact.
" I could help you sometime with it. In constructing a speech maybe...it will help, trust me. It's always better to apologize than to say nothing, Loz," she said with encouragement. The confidence she had in the idea made him believe that making such an apology publicly might be a decent idea. It would take a lot of courage though...and he felt too embarrassed to be standing in front of those same people he once stood in front of, with their children as a vanguard. He had doubts these citizens would even listen to a syllable of a word he had to say. The worries he had must have been evident on his features...the next thing Loz knew he felt a sudden warmth against his side.
The bulky, mako eyed remnant looked down to see that Tifa had scooted close to him and was wrapping her arms around his middle. He read about this in a book...it was a hug. He also seen Tifa do this to Marlene. Part of him was uncomfortable and wanted to shove her away, not quite used to the rapid, confusing emotions he felt rushing through him nor sure how to process them. Once those initial, panicked moments passed though, he found the contact to be warming and comforting. A hard lump was developing in his throat and his eyes were beginning to water...he fought himself hard to not cry in front of her and managed to rein in control over it. A hesitant arm reached around and placed itself around her back, allowing Tifa to place her head on his chest. There was a more subtle, odd feeling Loz couldn't quite place about this gesture. All he did know was that it was calming the internal conflicts and worries he had, and the urge he first experienced to shove her away was gone. There was only a warm feeling that spread through him and calmed every nerve.
"That's better, isn't it?" she said, looking up to him. Those chocolate eyes were gentle. Everything about them soothed any distress inside him.
"I...uh...yeah. Thanks," he said awkwardly, not familiar with these kind of situations. Eyes averted back to the ground, its familiar frayed carpet but at least the aching feelings of worry had been cleared out of him. Loz's muscular arm stayed around her thinner frame of a body, still secretly enjoying the contact, the warmth that brought to him. Slowly he felt her withdraw from him, and stand from the bedside.
" I'll go and finish bringing up the stock from the cellar. I'll call for you when the shipment comes in, ok?" she said with such a soothing voice. Loz gave a faint nod of his head before she walked out of the room. The lock clicked quietly as she closed the door, leaving him back to his thoughts...but now with more positive and kinder thoughts than he had came into the room with. This woman was going out of her way to be kind to a man who had not been so kind to her nor any of her friends in the past. It was having a good influence on him. Loz felt more optimistic about this unsure life of his. He was scared to think he could make his own path when Mother gave him life once more and set him back upon the living. It also scared him to imagine what may have happened to him if he hadn't been taken in by Tifa. The citizens would have loved a chance to crucify him if they managed to get a hold of him. She was truly a savior.
These thought brought fresh worries though. What of the apparitions of Sephiroth he had endured twice already? The disembodied voice of his? What was the meaning? Would he eventually...like Kadaj...become the next rebirthing for Sephiroth himself? Was it only a fragment of the man's conscience that would never fade? Never disappear? All these questions plagued him...but the one thing he knew was that Mother said he was supposed to lead his own life. To Loz, this meant not to live Sephiroth's life, but his own. Loz's life, separate from his brothers, from Sephiroth himself. Working in 7th Heaven, working alongside Tifa, was feeling natural to him. It was something he was enjoying. Some inner conscience of his was trying to tell him that he ought to tell Tifa...but the fear that she may reject him, or come to see him as an enemy again, was too great. He was starting to like it here, and he didn't want to jeopardize it.
The Forgotten Capital at night always had an eerie allure. Winding paths through the forests, the inky darkness that seemed more absolute than any other night, and glowing white trees that shrouded the area in an hauntingly beautiful light. It was such a remote location that no one hardly came to this place. Yet, tonight, it had two visitors. Loz had taken Tifa to the Forgotten Capital...he sat on a bank of a small lake, deep inside the glowing forest, with Tifa at his side. They were both quiet, but there was an unspoken peace there with them, that was as calm as the water's glassy surface. Why he had brought here there seemed to that this place was uninhabited, and hardly visited. It was quiet, remote, and away from the hustle and bustle of the grey toned city.
"So, Loz, why have you brought me here?" Tifa asked, her face illuminated by the tree's light. Loz looked to her a second, and shrugged his big shoulders.
"I, uh...thought it would be nice...I've kinda liked this place, because of the uh, glowing trees...and..." he said, though it appeared he was lying. " since I was reading about people going on camping adventures in forests..."
There was the sounds of giggling from Tifa next to him, her slender hand hiding her mouth as she did so. Loz frowned, as he knew she was laughing at him for what he said and thought it was mean to do.
"...So here we are...in the forest for camping, and no supplies?" she asked teasingly, leaning in next to him. Loz blinked, mako eyes casting about and noticing they were sitting on nothing more than the dirt of the ground.
"Oh...yeah. Knew I forgot something," he muttered, a gloved hand scratching the back of his head.
"Tell me the truth Loz. It's ok," she said gently. Loz looked to her, seeing she was eager to listen to him. It wasn't often he had someone who genuinely wanted to listen to him, or help him. It was something quite new to what he understood of people. But she sat there next to him, waiting for him to speak when he was ready. Loz raked his hand through his silver hair, feeling nervous that she expected him to explain himself and his actions for dragging her all the way out here while Barret was watching the kids.
"I...well. This place is kind of pretty, I guess. And it's away from all that racket in the city...so. It's...peaceful. And you...you been nice to me. And have helped me more than I can really repay you for. So that is comforting for me..." he said with his eyebrowed furrowed, as if concentrating really hard, " So was thinking peace and comfort..."
Tifa could see he was having a real hard time explaining himself and his reasons for begging her to come out here when it would be night. Now she could understand his reasoning. It was calm here, and quite peaceful as he said. And she was the only person to have put differences aside, and chose to help him of her own volition. Who else would have done that after all the crimes he had committed against every citizen in that city? The two things that seemed good for him were the things he wanted to be alone with now. A moment to relax away from all the other components that came with living in a busy city. Tifa wound her arms around his waist and rested her head on his chest as she before, which had helped before in raising his spirits and fought off the worries that plagued him.
Loz felt the warmth of her against him and looked down to see her having scooted closer and trap him in a hug. It was not a tight hug, or a brief one. It was a hug that settled on you, with the person never letting go until they knew you were okay. Loz's lips twitched into a small smile as he fought off the tears that were stinging at the corners of his eyes. He put a large arm around her, returning this embrace. It was a silent moment, but a moment that spread a gentle warmth through him he never experienced. It wasn't painful, or constricting...but a warmth that spread to the fingertips...
And then...the sound of loud, heavy, running footsteps coming up the stairs, and a loud BAM as a door was slammed closed startled Loz out of his sleep, and out of that particularly pleasant dream. A book about camping and surviving in the wild fell off of his chest and landed with a thud on the floor. Sleepy, sea green eyes blinked as he realized where he was. In a bed with soft covers and pillows, inside a room with a large thin carpet covering nearly all the floor, a desk with books piled on it and a chair, an old, small TV on a stand on the wall across from him...it was coming back to him.
He had went down and helped Tifa unpack the shipment that came in. Various liquors, beer, drinks, and food was put away accordingly, and supplies was put away in its proper place. They broke down the crates and boxes, and put them out to be collected for recycling. At first he proclaimed it wasn't a lot of work. After all, he had gone hand to hand in fighting with Cloud! How strenuous could putting all that away be? Apparently enough that afterwards, he had come back to his room to read, and fallen asleep on his bed. He heard the door down the hall open and slam again and heard the sound of smaller feet running their way down the stairs, accompanied by their laughter. The kids must be going down for dinner...damn, is it already that late?
He looked to the window and saw it was indeed getting darker outside. And the smell from downstairs was beginning to reach his nose. Tifa was already cooking dinner before the both of them would have to start working. Tifa...his brain kicked into gear in reminding him of that dream. Eyes widened as he fell back in the bed, and put his hand to his face as he groaned. What kind of dream was that? He could understand why he would want some peace of mind. There was much to still understand about having another chance at life. Much to do to clear his name and try to be a citizen of this city. But...he felt that the capacity in which he dreamed of Tifa was somehow...inappropriate. Like how Tifa had explained walking around naked in front of others was not socially acceptable. Wasn't it Cloud's place to be having reclusive moments with Tifa like that? Well...no. Maybe? Tifa was only being nice. She wasn't...with him, as was explained in some books he got where characters were in 'relationships'. So...since he wasn't, and she was simply a friend...there was no harm. Right?
But somehow, it felt like he was intruding on something he shouldn't be. It was a feeling he couldn't quite explain, not even knowing if it was right or wrong. He sat back up and sighed, shaking his head. Maybe...he could explain it to her later. Maybe after closing time and they were cleaning up the bar.
He got up and smoothed out his hair with his hands and made his way down the stairs, to the kitchen. Tifa was already setting the food on the table. It was a delicious smell too, of a perfect blend of spices with meat. The kids were sitting at the table, telling Tifa about their day at school and eveything they were learning. Loz made his way to the table and sat down, though feeling a slight touch of nervousness around Tifa as the dream was still fresh on his mind.
He intended to put his focus on the food she cooked to distract him. There was marinated meat, with roasted vegetables, and some kind of semi transparent liquid with chunks of something in it. He was learning from the week though that anything Tifa cooked he tended to like, so he didn't question it. He took his serving portions and put it on his plate in front of him. The kids...it amazed him how calm they were around him despite the past and what he had done to them. They smiled around him, and he wouldn't forget Marlene's outrage at finding out he never had ice cream before.
"Sleep well, Loz?" came a sudden question from Tifa. Loz nearly choked on the hunk of meat he just placed in his mouth, which he was enjoying the flavor of. He swallowed it down and nodded.
"Uh, yeah...seems putting things away was more work than I originally thought," he said. "How'd you know I was asleep?"
"Went to check on you, and you were passed out with a book on your chest," she said, spearing a piece of meat with her fork. "It's fine. Good to get some rest before work tonight. May not be too busy though since it's a weekday," she commented. This was a good thing in Loz's opinion. Meant not many fights, and not as many silent, angry stares or glances from the bar's patrons. He was about to take another bite when he felt the sleeve of his outfit being tugged. Curious eyes fell upon Marlene who had her small hand clutched into the leather of his outfit. What did she want?
"I haven't drawn you yet...but I got a chance to when we had time to do art!" she said brightly. Marlene brought out a folder from under the table, which meant she been waiting to show him since she came down for dinner. She opened it and brought out a sheaf of paper, with a colorful drawing. It was of the four of them, and Loz sitting eating a bowl of different colored ice cream. This brought on a rather clashing series of emotions to assault Loz. Confusion because he wasn't sure about how he felt about this kind of acceptance, fondness because even a child he had hurt was so forgiving and thoughtful that she took the time to do something for him, and a bit of uncertainty because it gave him the impression that Marlene liked him enough to do this...and he couldn't be sure someone like Cloud or Barret would approve of her doing this. Eyes looked over the childish stick figures of the four of them, and the printed names. Sure, it was no work of art, but it somehow touched the remnant in a way he was not sure of. And was beginning to bring tears to his eyes.
Tifa noticed Loz's reaction and was about to step in but he quickly rubbed at them. "Maybe I didn't dust enough earlier when we cleaned, Tifa...got something in my eye," he said as his excuse. Reining in his emotions, he then put on a bit of a smile for Marlene. "So...thank you...can I...can I keep it?" he asked. The smile on Marlene's face was bright and joyful as she handed it to Loz.
"Yes! I drew it for you!" Loz's gloved fingers slowly took the drawing, still looking it over. It felt like this was a form of acceptance by this small family. It might be a broken family, but it was more than he ever could have had even if his brothers were still alive. Tifa and these orphaned kids were showing him that there was more than just riding around and getting into fights and Mother. There were other good things to have too. Maybe this was what Mother meant by leading his own life. It was giving him a chance to discover things he would never have had he stayed on his previous course of actions. For this, he was beginning to find a word for all these confusing feelings. That he was grateful.