Drunk Turtles
Jack and Will are on board the Interceptor. Will is sharpening his sword.
Will: When I was growing up back in England, my mother raised me by herself. After she died, I came out here, looking for my father.
Jack: How nice for you.
Will: My father. Will Turner. Ring any bells?
Jack: Don't hear any.
Will: You only agreed to help me after you learned my name. And you guessed my father's name too.
Jack: It's the same name, so it wasn't that hard.
Will: You knew my father.
Jack: Not only did I know him, I knew all his aliases too. William Turner, Bill Turner, Bootstrap, Bootstrap Bill…
Will: Bootstrap?
Jack: Yep. Very piratey, don't you think? He was top-notch. I must say, you look just like him.
Will: No!
Jack: Yes, you do. Don't you ever look in a mirror?
Will: I mean, he wasn't a pirate. He was a merchant sailor. An honest man who obeyed the law.
Jack: Lies.
Will: My father was not a pirate!
Will draws his sword.
Jack: Are you for real? Don't you remember what happened last time?
Will: You got arrested.
Jack: No, before that. I was owning you.
Will: You were not.
Jack: I were too!
Jack's English teacher is turning in her grave.
Will: Only because you're a cheater cheater pumpkin eater. I'd kill you in a fair fight.
Jack: If that's the case, I'm just going to cheat again.
While Will attempts to decipher this, Jack spins the wheel and the beam catches Will so that he is dangling over the ocean.
Jack: Will, chillax for a second and just listen. Your father was a pirate, so deal with it. As for me, I'm not a huge fan of eunuchs, but I need you so I'm stuck with you. Kapeish?
Will: Kapeish.
Jack: So...
Jack swings the beam back around and Will falls on his butt.
Jack: Can you at least pretend to trust me?
Will: If I must.
Some time passes. Jack and Will are walking through the streets of Tortuga.
Jack: I feel sorry for any man who has never set foot in this beautiful city that is Tortuga, kapeish? What do you think?
Will: I think we'll be lucky to get out of here alive.
Jack: I'll tell you, mate, if every town in the world were like this one, no man would ever be sober.
Will: I don't doubt it.
Jack sees two women approaching.
Jack: Scarlett!
Scarlett slaps Jack.
Jack: Crazy lady! What was that for?
The other woman approaches.
Jack: Giselle!
Giselle: Who was she?
Jack: Who was who?
Giselle slaps Jack.
Jack: Okay, I might have deserved that one.
Will and Jack find Gibbs sleeping with pigs. Jack chucks a bucket of water at Gibbs.
Gibbs: What the heck, you idiot! Holy crap... Jack! Don't you know better than to wake a man when he's sleepin'? It's bad luck.
Will: When else would you wake a man?
Jack: Don't confuse yourself. Anyway, I know how to counter it. The man who did the waking buys the man who was sleeping a drink, and the man who was formerly sleeping but now is awake listens to a proposition form the man who did the waking.
Gibbs: Huh?
Jack: Never mind. Just follow me.
Will chucks a bucket of water at Gibbs.
Gibbs: Gosh dang it! I'm already awake!
Will: That was for the smell.
Gibbs: Oh, good point.
They enter a tavern.
Jack: Will, stand over here and watch the door.
Will: Why?
Jack: Because I said so.
Will: What am I supposed to be watching for? Drunk guys?
Jack: Don't be a smart aleck. Just watch the door.
Jack and Gibbs sit down at a table.
Gibbs: Okay, what do you want?
Jack: I'm going after the Black Pearl.
Gibbs nearly falls off his chair, though he's careful not to spill his drink.
Gibbs: That's crazy, even for you! You've heard the stories!
Jack: Yeah, so I know exactly what I'm up against. All I need is a crew.
Gibbs: Oh, yeah, that sounds reasonable. "Captain Barbossa, can I please, please, please have my ship back?" "Oh, my bad. Here you go."
Jack: I'm not that stupid. I'm going to make a deal with him. It's just a matter of proper leverage.
Will hears this, but doesn't let on.
Gibbs: Huh?
Jack gives himself whiplash. Finally Gibbs gets the picture.
Gibbs: The kid?
Jack: Bingo. That's the only child of Bootstrap Bill Turner.
Gibbs: For real? Wow, okay. Nice job. I'll find us a crew. There's gotta be some idiots on this rock dumb enough to join.
Jack: Or at least drunk enough. Take what you can...
Gibbs: ...give nothing back!
They seal the bargain by banging their mugs. Gibbs spills his drink down his shirt.
Gibbs: Dang...
Revised edition 2011!