Chapter 11 – What Are You Doing To Me?
Her stomach is flipping and her heart is racing and she wishes it would stop and she wishes it would go on forever. She feels heady and weightless, breathless and shaky, on fire and out of control… and Clarke. She feels Clarke everywhere.
Clarke's breath on her lips and cheeks, almost soothingly cold against her hot skin; Clarke's soft chest pressing against Lexa's, a heartbeat, so faint it might just be in Lexa's imagination, racing and racing as if to beat Lexa's to an invisible finish line and making Lexa dizzy with hopeful elation; Clarke's fingers, running through Lexa's hair, making a trail of goose bumps erupt on the back of her neck.
The tingly feeling races down Lexa's spine and she shudders involuntarily. Just as involuntarily her body moves to close what little distances remain between them. Clarke didn't leave many when she pushed herself against Lexa, but still Lexa wants her closer. Needs her closer. Just a little closer. Just a little more.
Her head dips forward, chasing; her hands wind around Clarke's waist, pulling; and then-
And then Clarke pulls back with a small gasp that makes Lexa feel breathless, too, and suddenly Lexa is staring into blue.
They're so close, so close, and when a passing ray of light illuminates Clarke's eyes, Lexa can see everything. Every little speck of white, glistening in its uniqueness, every last groove of cyan carved in oceans of azure, every beautiful memory she ever made and every heartbreaking pain she ever felt. Lexa can see her self reflected in Clarke's eyes and she feels like she's drowning in all that she is, in all that she was and in all that she wants to be; with Clarke.
Then the light moves on. It swings away and darkness settles over Clarke's eyes again, but they devour her just the same. The pull doesn't ease, the drowning never stops, the beautiful ache never lessens and Lexa feels scared. So, so scared.
But then the eyes close, soft lips press against Lexa's again and warm hands run slowly, gently over her shoulders and back until they lock behind her at the nape of her neck. Lock her in, keep her safe, ground her.
And Lexa isn't scared anymore.
Lexa isn't scared anymore at all. Lexa is just kissing Clarke. And Clarke is kissing her back.
"A little higher."
Lexa blinks, almost dazed, and then blinks again to catch the drop of sweat and stop it from rolling down into her eye.
"A little higher." Lincoln pants again and nods at the punching mitts Lexa is holding up kind of half-heartedly. Sweat is dripping from his forehead as well; his gloves are glistening with it and his low cut sport tank shows dark stains down his chest and sides. The familiar sight brings her back to the moment.
She readjusts her stance, mirroring Lincoln's lightly bouncing one, and pulls her focus back to their training session. She's glad Indra isn't watching today. She really doesn't want her coach to see this unfocused side of her. Again. This isn't her. It's just not. This is an unfocused, distracted mess of a fighter and it's not her. She's better than this. She's a goddamn Sergeant of the US army and the goddamn Commander in the goddamn octagon for god's fucking sake.
Focus!
When Lincoln next jabs at her padded hand, Lexa squares her shoulders, sets her jaw and pushes against the punch. Concentration written all over Lincoln's face, he nods seemingly subconsciously at the now improved target Lexa is providing and it almost makes Lexa angry. This is who she is. This concentration on Lincoln's face, it's hers. The focused eyes, the ready stance, the sharp, almost whistling rushes of air he pushes out with every punch, they're hers. They are her.
"Spar." She growls out of the blue, ripping off the pads from her hands without waiting for Lincoln's reaction. She only catches a quick glimpse of his somewhat perplexed expression as she turns to get her grappling gloves from the corner of the ring.
"Um, alright." Lincoln merely responds and Lexa can practically feel him raise his eyebrows and shrug his shoulders as he does so.
"Alright." She echoes, but it's only to herself.
After the small gloves are fastened around her hands, she takes a deep breath, before she turns around where Lincoln is already ready for her, having exchanged his boxing gloves for his grappling gloves as well. He's bouncing lightly from one foot to the other again and wiggling his eyebrows at her as he mouths 'You're going down' with a barely contained smirk playing around his lips.
Alright. Lexa thinks, reinvigorated now and smirking as well. This she can do.
Figure out what the hell to do about Clarke and how to calm herself down long enough to make a solid plan? Nope. Kick Lincoln's ass in the ring? Yes, sir!
Wordlessly she beckons with both of her hands and Lincoln attacks without another warning, letting out an almost comical war cry.
He jabs, she parries; she swipes, he swerves.
Their fight is intense, equal, challenging and exactly what Lexa needed to get her head screwed back on the right way around. When they finally decide to call it a tie, half happily, half begrudgingly, Lexa and Lincoln touch gloves and then make their way out of the ring to make way for other gym members. Her body is riled up and tired at the same time and Lexa takes refuge in the familiar feeling. Before she can even finish undoing the wrappings around her fists however, another feeling starts seething in again.
Restlessness.
The jittery feeling she hasn't been able to shake since she and Clarke kissed in the club two nights ago spreads through her the way icy crystals spread over a soap bubble in subzero degree weather. It feels just as magical, just as painfully beautiful and just as transfixing as if all her shards and pieces were freezing and turning into sparkling ornaments as well, leaving her with shaky breathing and goose bumps all over.
Out of the corner of her eye Lexa sees Lincoln rummaging in his bag next to her and suddenly her heartbeat is in her ears. She's been wanting to ask Lincoln for Clarke's number for days now, but she just can't get her stupid mouth to work. Her brain won't even form the words, let alone let her actually speak them out loud and she's never been this frustrated with her quietness.
Like all her previous attempts, this one remains futile as well. Her mouth opens to ask the question, but before she can, Lincoln turns around and smiles at her.
"That was a good one! I almost had you there for a second!" he grins, seemingly very proud of himself. He looks down at his wrist watch. "Wanna grab a smoothie before shift?"
Swallowing down the words that keep getting stuck in her throat once again, Lexa just nods and Lincoln mirrors her.
"Cool, I'll catch you outside, alright?"
Lexa nods again, but he's already making his way towards the locker rooms, pulling his phone from his duffle bag and smiling down at it.
For a second Lexa just glares at the taunting device; the device that holds the one piece of information Lexa so desperately wishes for, but then Lincoln's retreating back blocks it from her view and she huffs out a frustrated breath of air, turning to stuff her own things into her bag with more force than necessary.
Goddammit, Lexa!
Lexa sighs as she absently peels away at the bottle's label. What is she doing? Here she is, alone at the bar, trying desperately not to watch Clarke too obviously as she dances with that friend of hers that showed up a little while ago and interrupted their dancing. Murphy, was it?
She hates Murphy. Murphy is an idiot. And what a stupid name as well…Murphy.
Holding back a grumpy growl she takes a swig from her beer instead, throwing her head back as she does so and swiveling on the bar stool, turning her back on the dance floor and on Clarke.
She can still feel Clarke's lips on hers and at the same time the feeling is way too faint for her liking. Almost as if she just had a very vivid dream.
But it wasn't a dream. It was real. Clarke was real, the way she kept looking at Lexa was real and finally getting her own body and mind to cooperate and go out there to dance with Clarke; that was real. And their kiss… their kiss was real, too.
Everything was so real and so surreal at the same time, but Lexa didn't mind. She didn't mind because she was with Clarke, kissing her, dancing with her and making her laugh and giggle and gasp, and nothing else mattered. And then that Murphy guy showed up. He just appeared out of nowhere, smiling and nodding hello at Lexa, before turning Clarke, who hadn't seen him yet, around by her shoulder to greet her. Clarke beamed and let go of Lexa's hands that she'd been holding as they danced, so she could hug him. And from one second to the next Lexa felt horribly awkward again. Awkward and out of place.
That Murphy guy started dancing with them and chatting with Clarke and Lexa thinks she must have looked like a fool, standing there, swaying uncomfortably and not knowing what to say. Clarke kept glancing at her and Lexa tried her best to understand what the looks meant, but she just couldn't tell. Was Clarke trying to apologize for her friend interrupting their dancing? Or was she maybe trying to flirt with Lexa? What if it was pity? Or bemusement? Lexa must have looked fairly bemusing. Bemusing and pathetic and finally she decided to flee to the bar instead. Not flee…go. Go to the bar instead.
So, here she is, alone at the bar, trying desperately not to watch Clarke too obviously.
"Hey! Commander, what's up? All danced out?"
Lexa's eyes snap away from the dance floor again – she didn't even notice her attention had returned to it – and when she whips her head around to her other side, she sees Raven smile widely at her. Then the brunette taps the baldheaded guy occupying the bar stool next to Lexa's on the shoulder.
"Hey, big guy! Do you mind?" she points down at her knee brace, lifting her leg just enough so he can see it.
Mumbling something along the lines of 'oh, sure, sorry' he slides off the stool, making way for Raven. He and his friend shuffle off and Raven grins mischievously at Lexa as she hops onto the round stool, swiveling to face Lexa.
"Works every time." She winks and Lexa hums and nods, half-heartedly trying a small smile in return. It seems to be enough for Raven.
"So, what's up? Did Clarke tire you out, already?" Raven laughs and Lexa chokes and coughs. Raven's laughter increases and Lexa can feel her ears burning. Avoiding Raven's eyes, she takes another sip of beer. Fortunately Raven seems to only be joking though. Lexa hopes. Raven seems the type to tease any- and everybody and that's what Lexa is choosing to believe this is, too.
"You'll really have to work on your stamina, Commander!" Raven goes on chiding her playfully. She points her water bottle at Lexa and narrows an eye. "How will you win your next fight when a little bit of dancing is enough to have you surrender, hm?"
Not knowing how to respond, Lexa merely presses her lips together and shrugs her shoulders.
Raven laughs again and Lexa feels very self-conscious about how hard it is not to glance behind herself. Fighting the urge, she's thankful for the added distraction when Clarke's other roommate Octavia walks over to them on the other side of the bar.
"Raven! I got it!" she yells over the counter and the music excitedly, beaming broadly, her dark-haired bun a little disheveled from hours of serving drinks to people in varying states of intoxication.
"Well, of course you got it!" Raven yells back, but squeals anyway and then reaches out her hand for a high five. Octavia complies instantly and Lexa thinks it's sweet how excited they both seem. She's also glad the hunt for a new bartender is apparently finally over now; for Anya's sake and for her own. Anya's been getting a little… testy.
"Congratulations, Octavia." Lexa smiles and inclines her head towards the girl.
"Thank you!" Octavia replies, before pointing at Lexa's bottle. "Can I get you another one? Anya says it's last call."
"Already?" Raven asks and Lexa frowns in confusion as well. It couldn't be that late yet, could it? She swears she hasn't been here more than…
Three hours?! She's been here almost three hours!
Wow. Looking around herself, she notices for the first time how empty the club has gotten compared to when she arrived. The dance floor is still quite crowded, but getting there would be a lot easier now than it would have been just a little while ago. The bar area is mostly free of people and only two of the tables against the right wall have groups of people sitting around them; one of those groups seemingly egging their friend on to do some dare or another. Lexa doesn't wait to find out what it is.
She looks back up and sees Anya who is just joining Octavia behind the bar. She's taking off her leather jacket and throwing it carelessly under the counter and Lexa is sure, if she were standing next to her right now, Anya would be smelling of cigarettes.
"So, how about it, Commander? Last round? It's on me." Raven raises her eyebrows inquisitorially and Lexa hesitates. She hasn't had enough to drink to be drunk and she wouldn't want to be, but the nice buzzed feeling that helped her approach Clarke on the dance floor in the first place has faded by now and she's starting to feel a little out of sorts. Her mind is beginning to conjure up the most unwelcome thoughts and ideas about Clarke and what she might be feeling about what happened between them and Lexa just wants them to shut up. Maybe another drink wouldn't be too bad.
"Alright, thank you, Raven." Lexa nods in agreement and Raven seems positively surprised she took her up on her offer.
"Alright!" she exclaims and obnoxiously slams her hand onto the bar to get Octavia's attention who's currently focusing on something Anya is showing her on the register machine. "Can I get some service here?" she hollers jokingly and then leans over to Lexa.
"I am so sorry, Ms. Commander, ma'am! Geez, it's like it's her first day or something." She rolls her eyes and then slaps the bar counter again several times. It's loud and Lexa wishes she wouldn't, but it has the desired effect.
Both Octavia and Anya look over; Anya raising an eyebrow unimpressed, while Octavia apologizes to her for Raven's behavior and then quickly steps closer to her friend, hissing "Cut it out, oh my god! What do you want?"
Seemingly not at all sheepish, Raven smiles sweetly at Octavia before reaching back for a strain of her own hair. Coyly twirling it between her fingers over her shoulder, she looks up at her friend, batting her eyelashes, and goes on to order in a sickeningly sweet voice with a horrible southern accent.
"I'm sorry, darlin', I meant no offense. I merely desired your attention. See, my friend here needs another drink and I just couldn't say no to that face, now could I!" she gestures at Lexa who feels put in the spotlight. The two of them eye her for a second, Raven unable to hide her grin behind her innocent mask and Octavia apparently trying to decide if she wants to play along with Raven's antics or not. Visibly deciding against it, she just rolls her eyes, however and shakes her head, throwing Lexa a look that clearly says 'I'm so sorry, don't listen to anything this one says'.
"What can I get you, Lexa?" she asks with an exasperated, but obviously not actually annoyed sigh. Despite her reactions, Lexa is pretty sure Octavia doesn't feel put off by her friend's behavior at all and something about the way Raven genuinely smiles as she watches Octavia take Lexa's order, makes Lexa ache. It's a good ache though, but one that she couldn't explain if she had a clear mind and a psychology dictionary, let alone now that she's somewhat tipsy and very much confused by her own feelings in general and how they got to be so hard to read all of a sudden.
Trying to figure Clarke out might not be the biggest challenge after all.
A loud squeal makes Lexa jump and lose track of her thoughts.
"Boo!"
Raven's high-pitched yell turns into a laugh when she realizes the guy grabbing her sides from behind is her friend Murphy, who's now winding his arms around her instead. He seems pretty drunk, Lexa thinks, as his chin wobbles from side to side on Raven's shoulder when he rests his head there, eyes closed.
Was he this drunk when he found her and Clarke on the dance floor earlier?
Clarke.
There she is, emerging from behind him, and Lexa feels as if she'd been shocked by electricity. Not painfully shocked like from an electric fence or lightning; just lightly, but abruptly shocked like when Anya used to steal Missy Pearman's super soft blanket. Anya always said she did it exactly for the purpose of being able to shock Lexa in the morning when her skin was charged by the weird fabric rubbing on her hair all night, but Lexa knows Anya well enough to know that she just liked how soft and cuddly it was. After all, she bought one just like it when she got her first apartment and to this day she has yet to shock Lexa with it.
The fact that Clarke was already staring at her when Lexa's eyes found her made her feel like that. Shocked.
But then Clarke smiles at her, almost shyly, and this warm feeling floods all over Lexa, like instead of being shocked by it, she was being wrapped up in Missy Pearman's super soft blanket.
"There you go." Octavia interrupts Lexa's thoughts as she places another bottle of beer in front of her.
It takes her a second, before she can mumble a thank you back, but Octavia is already pointing at Murphy.
"He's not getting anything but water."
Murphy grunts in protest, but doesn't even bother opening his eyes, so Octavia doesn't seem to see the need to argue her point.
"What about you, Clarke? Last call." She turns to Clarke instead and Lexa just catches Clarke's eyes leaving her to focus on Octavia.
"Um, I think I'm good, too, actually. Thanks, O."
"Alright." Octavia claps her hands just when Anya calls her over from further down the bar. "I'm just about done. Get him in walking shape, please." She lets her friends know, glancing at that Murphy guy again, and then fishes a pen and a little notebook out of one of the pockets of the black apron she's wearing, before going to probably close her shift with Anya and get some things sorted out.
"Alright, buddy boy, time to wake up." Raven awkwardly reaches up to lightly smack Murphy's cheek over her shoulder, wiggling it a bit to get him to straighten up and hold his head up himself.
With another groan the boy slowly rights himself and opens his eyes. He looks really tired and Lexa briefly wonders if he'll be able to get home on his own or if the girls will have to support him all the way there.
"There you go! Good man." Clarke praises, well-hidden laughter in her voice, as she pats his shoulder.
In the bar's light Clarke's hair seems to be glowing and Lexa's mind wanders back to the way Clarke's fingers ran through her own hair. It was gentle but sure and Lexa wishes they were back in that moment. That moment where it was just the two of them and nothing else seemed to matter. It was like they were all alone on that crowded dance floor and now, here at the almost empty bar, there are suddenly way too many people.
Clarke's eyes find her again and Lexa's immediate instinct is to look away, but she doesn't. She doesn't want to.
Octavia is discussing something with Anya as they come back to this end of the bar, Raven is hushing Murphy who is mumbling something unintelligible to her and Clarke is almost close enough to touch.
Lexa's eyes drop to Clarke's hand at her side. Clarke's fingers are tapping some sort of rhythm against her own thigh and Lexa's hand twitches around her glass bottle. She imagines herself reaching out, taking Clarke's hand and intertwining their fingers. She imagines pulling Clarke towards her until she's standing right in front of her. She imagines Clarke lifting her other hand and running it up Lexa's right thigh as she presses closer between Lexa's legs. Lexa imagines herself playing with Clarke's fingers with one hand while the other brushes that beautiful blonde hair out of Clarke's eyes.
Her beautiful blue eyes.
Her beautiful blue eyes that are staring at Lexa right now. From a few feet away.
This time Lexa really does look away. In haste she drops her gaze, her heart racing in her chest. Did Clarke see? Could she tell what was on Lexa's mind? Her ears feel like they're on fire and Lexa doesn't know what to do. She can't look up! She can't look up and see Clarke frown at her or look offended or-
"Okay, I'm ready." Octavia's voice is closer than expected and Lexa jerks in surprise as she comes up from behind her. This time she's on the their side of the bar, coming to stand between Lexa and Clarke to complete their little semi-circle. "To drop." She adds, holding her hand in front of her mouth to cover a yawn.
Raven nods understandingly and carefully hops off the bar stool. "Yeah, I'm beat, too. Come on, Smurphy, let's get you in a bed." Encouragingly rubbing his chest, Raven makes to duck under his arm to support him.
"Whoa, whoa, I got it, I got it!" Octavia bursts out, stepping in and taking Murphy's arm from around Raven's shoulder and placing it around her own instead. "You just take it easy."
Lexa sees something flicker across Raven's eyes, but then it's gone and the girl just shrugs her shoulders. "Alright, let's get going. Mama wants a nice, sweet night time candy and maybe a hot shower."
"It's almost 4am." Octavia points out, but Lexa isn't really listening anymore when Raven responds.
Her focus is on Clarke again, who seems almost reluctant to go. The mere thought that she might be the reason for Clarke's hesitation makes Lexa feel as excited and self-assured as she did the first time Indra looked at her with obvious approval after a training session.
Clarke meets her eyes again and if Lexa were a braver woman she'd ask her to stay.
But she's not and Clarke probably wouldn't anyway. Or couldn't.
"Clarke, a little help?" Octavia's voice sounds strained.
"M'up. M'good." Murphy mumbles, his eyes drooping and his body-tension less than desirable as apparent by Octavia's slight staggering. That guy goes from drunk to passed-out awfully fast, Lexa thinks. Reflexively she slides off her stool to help, but Clarke is faster. She steps under Murphy's other arm, balancing him out, and Octavia manages to straighten up a bit.
"Love you guys." Murphy mumbles and all three girls grin.
"We know, John, we know." Clarke assures, smirking up at him, before looking back at Lexa. Her eyes sparkle with amusement and Lexa can't help but smile at her. She just has to.
"We love you, too." Raven pats his back and Octavia hums in agreement.
"Love you, too." Murphy echoes again, tilting his head first onto Clarke's and then Octavia's as he sloppily presses a kiss onto each of them. Clarke and Raven burst out into laughter, while Octavia snorts and grimaces.
At the sound of Clarke's laugh Lexa's heart jumps high enough to touch the roof and when her smile broadens it's beautifully out of her control.
"Alright," Clarke is still giggling. "Let's get you home, alright?" she nods encouragingly and Murphy nods along.
"Okay, well, it was nice to see you again, Lexa." Octavia surprises Lexa by addressing her. "Tell Anya thanks again. I really appreciate this. I've been looking for a job a while now."
"Sure." Lexa nods and feels a little awkward as Octavia gives her half a hug, with Murphy still leaning against her. "I will."
"You'll see her everywhere now." Raven says as she steps over to take her turn at goodbyes. "She's like stalking you. First the gym, then the bar; I'd watch out if I were you!" she widens her eyes, before dropping the act. Lexa just sees her teeth-showing smile before Raven's arms are around her. Over her shoulder she sees Clarke watching her.
By the time it's Clarke's turn to hug her, Lexa's stomach is in knots. She swallows dryly as Clarke lifts Murphy's arm off her shoulder and walks over to her. It seems like it's in fast-forward and Lexa just wants this moment, this night, to slow down.
How are they already leaving?! How is this night already over? It just started and Lexa feels like it's unfinished! This isn't enough! There's so much more that she wanted to say, so much more she wanted to do!
Like kiss Clarke again! And tell her how amazing she looks in her dress. Tell her how beautiful her eyes are and how comfortable she made Lexa feel on the dance floor. She wants to tell her that's never happened before and that it feels like they've known each other forever; that she wants to know Clarke forever. Lexa wants to take Clarke's hands and trace her fingers, she wants to run her hands up her arms and over her shoulders. She wants to cup Clarke's face and stroke her thumbs over Clarke's cheek bones. She wants to kiss her again, goddammit; kiss her and feel her kiss her back. She wants so much, feels so much, and it's all so frustrating, because she's taught herself not to yearn a long time ago. But tonight…tonight she's yearning.
Clarke's eyes are bluer than blue and so, so close and then she's hugging her. Clarke's hugging her and all Lexa wants to do is turn her head and burrow it against Clarke's warm neck, so she can breathe her in. Blonde hair nestles against Lexa's cheek and nose as Clarke squeezes her closer and Lexa is almost dizzy with the sweet scent. She can feel her heart galloping against Clarke's chest and there is no way Clarke can't feel it, too, but in this moment Lexa doesn't care.
"Goodnight, Commander." Clarke murmurs against Lexa's ear and if Clarke felt Lexa's heartbeat before, she must have most certainly felt Lexa shudder now.
"Goodnight, Clarke." Lexa replies, but while Clarke's whisper was soft, Lexa's is rough and raspy. Embarrassed, Lexa clears her throat. It's almost worth it, though, when she feels Clarke's chest move and a small huff of air hit her neck as Clarke lets out a breath of a laugh.
Then Clarke pulls back and Lexa feels oddly cold without her arms around her.
They share a last smile and then the three girls escort their friend towards the exit. Lexa watches them leave until she can't see them anymore.
Clarke doesn't turn around.
After the blonde is out of her sight, another moment passes, before Lexa turns around as well and steps towards the bar again. She closes her hands around her bottle, leaning against the counter with her front, but doesn't drink. Instead she just stares at it, trying to find a way out of her stupor. What should she do now? Clarke has left and with a groan Lexa realizes she didn't even get Clarke's number. Great.
She doesn't know whether she wants to empty her beer in one swig, throw it against the wall or turn and run after Clarke.
None of those options seem particularly good to her, though, so she decides to do nothing. She needs to clear her head anyway. She doesn't want to act rash and mess this up; whatever this is. She needs to just go home and get some rest. Tomorrow will be a new day.
She searches the bar for Anya, but can't see her anywhere. Maybe she went outside for another smoke, Lexa thinks. All she knows is that she wants to get out of here. Suddenly she can't wait to leave the club. Despite its diminished size, the crowd is starting to drain her energy and now that her heart isn't pounding anymore, her head seems to have decided to take up that task. Some fresh air will do her good.
"Sarah." She calls out when the tall bartender walks past her.
"Hey, you're still here." Sarah replies, throwing a dishtowel over her shoulder.
"Actually, I'm gonna head home. Can you let Anya know I'll get home on my own?"
Clicking her tongue, Sarah looks at her disapprovingly, "You're not driving your bike home in the middle of the night, Lexa. You've been drinking and it's way too far to your place."
"I'll be fine." Lexa promises. When Sarah continues frowning at her, she adds, "I'll push it, okay? No cycling, I promise."
"It'll take you forever." Sarah argues. "I'm sure Anya will be right out. I already said I'll close up and we already did last call anyway. Won't be long now, really."
Hesitantly Lexa weighs her options. Leaving now would mean a chance to clear her head and sort her thoughts. The way home would sober her up for good, but Sarah's right, it would take at least an hour by foot.
"Alright, I'll check if I can find her out back and see when she'll be done, but if I can't find her I'm walking." Lexa compromises finally. Sarah smiles victoriously and snaps the towel down from her shoulder.
"Deal." She says contentedly, whipping it in Lexa's direction, before going about her business, cleaning the bar.
Lexa, after having jerked it back out of reflex, shakes her head at Sarah. Then she carefully lowers the still mostly full bottle of beer into the bar's sink over the counter, before making her way towards the door that leads to the office area and the back entrance. Right as she's about to reach for the handle however, someone grabs her wrist from behind with such force that she's spun around. A pair of shining blue eyes pierces through her and then someone is kissing her so passionately that Lexa stumbles back.
"C-clarke", is all Lexa can stammer, before her back hits something solid behind her. Clarke doesn't answer her. She only kisses Lexa harder, lips pressing against lips, body pushing against body, and Lexa can't breathe. She can't breathe and she can't speak and she can't think. All she can do is kiss Clarke back. So she does.
It's fierce and raw and desperate and when Clarke huskily moans against her lips, Lexa trembles. Her hands fly up to Clarke's shoulders from where they've been pressed against the hard surface behind her in surprise. She grabs them, grabs Clarke, and holds on.
Clarke's tongue presses against Lexa's lower lip and Lexa can hear her own blood rushing in her ears as her heart works overtime. It's exhilarating and disorienting and when Clarke's hand grabs at the back of Lexa's neck, fingernails scratching her skin, a soft sound escapes Lexa's lips. Clarke takes the opportunity to deepen their kiss and Lexa is glad the wall is holding her up, because she can't feel her legs anymore. Clarke tastes like alcohol and sweetness and something just uniquely Clarke and Lexa gets so dizzy from it all; so wonderfully dizzy.
When their mouths part for a second Lexa moves to reclaim Clarke's lips immediately. Her nose is just gently nudging against Clarke's, however, when a loud thumping noise behind the wall that is actually the door startles them both and Clarke jumps back. She's breathless and staring at Lexa with big eyes that look about as shocked as Lexa feels, and before Lexa can do anything at all, she rasps, "I have to go." and turns around and leaves.
Lexa wants to stop her! Grab her wrist and pull her back! But Clarke is too fast. Before Lexa can even comprehend what just happened, she has vanished behind a group of girls near the entrance of the room. And just like that she's gone again.
Lexa is still standing frozen to the spot, when the door behind her suddenly opens and she trips backwards.
"Whoa, hey!" Anya yelps as Lexa stumbles against her and then there's another loud crash followed by Anya's cursing. "Fuck! What the fuck are you doing? Ah, shit!"
Utterly overwhelmed and confused Lexa looks down and sees two carton boxes on the floor in front of Anya's feet. Anya is frantically opening them and then sighs in relief.
"Thank god!" she breathes, before glaring at Lexa. "What the hell was that? What's wrong with you?"
"I-uh…I-"
"Ugh, whatever. Are you gonna help me or not?" she harshly cuts into Lexa's stammering.
"Huh?"
"Oh my god, you're useless." Anya grumbles and when she bends down Lexa finally catches up.
"Oh! Oh, sorry, yeah! Yeah, I got it!" she exclaims and hastily scrambles to pick up the other box, while Anya is heaving the first one into her arms.
Still dazed, Lexa follows Anya behind the bar, setting the box down next to the other one on the silver metal surface of the back wall's countertop.
When she realizes that she just missed asking Clarke for her number again, however, she wishes she would have just dropped the case on her head instead.
"Hey, are you coming?" Lincoln's voice sounds from across the room.
Lexa looks up and sees him standing in the doorway, holding it open for her.
"Yeah, sorry, coming." She calls over and grabs her gym bag.
The second figure shows clearly that the control group didn't show any signs-
The second figure shows a significant effect for the control group, but not the-
As the second figure indicates, compared to the experimental group, the control group-
"Ugh!"
Angrily Clarke deletes the sentence for what feels like the hundredth time. She needs to finish this! She still has to hand in three papers by the end of the week and she's only gotten started on two of them; this one and her English essay. She'll never make it!
As she reaches for her snack, a half-eaten snickers bar, a door falls shut somewhere and suddenly she's back at the club.
The heavy door falls shut behind her and cold air whips against Clarke's face. It doesn't help with her racing heart.
"Finally! We're freezing our butts off here!" Raven exclaims, standing a little hunched over as she hugs herself and sways from foot to foot.
"Did you get it?" Octavia enquires.
"Huh?" faint mist rises up from between Clarke's lips and a shudder runs through her. It really is cold; although she's not so sure that's the only reason for her shivering.
"Your phone, did you find it?" Octavia clarifies and Clarke remembers.
"Oh! Yeah, yeah I got it." She pulls the phone out from her purse where it was the entire time.
She feels a little bad for lying, but she just couldn't leave it like that. She needed to say a proper goodbye to Lexa. At least that's what she is telling herself had been the plan when she told her friends she'd be right back, before speed-walking back into the club to find 'her phone'.
As she lets her phone slide back into her purse, Clarke hopes her friends bought it. Seeing Raven raise an eyebrow at her, however, Clarke suddenly isn't so sure.
Whether she believes her or not, Raven doesn't push any further and instead links her arm with Clarke's and tugs her along. The cold night air must have sobered Murphy up a little since he seems to be walking fine on his own now and Clarke is glad. She got a little worried there for a second, because getting him home in that state would have been somewhat of a challenge.
"Are we driving you home?" Clarke calls to Murphy, who's walking ahead with Octavia. In lieu of an answer he turns around with a pleading, tooth-showing grimace on his face.
Clarke snorts and Murphy mouths 'thank you', before folding his hands as if to pray and inclining his head in a gesture of gratitude.
As they walk on, Raven skips ahead to Murphy's other side and starts questioning him about his cat and whether he still hates the purple rubber mouse she bought him. Clarke already knows it'll be a struggle to convince Raven not to go up with Murphy to see if the grumpy old cat is up for a visitor at almost five in the morning.
While Murphy explains carefully, not for the first time, that Lieutenant Dan really doesn't like any toys from anybody, Clarke trails behind the others a bit to get a second to collect herself. Her body is still humming from kissing Lexa and her lips burn at the memory. She doesn't know what came over her to just go up and jump Lexa like that. All she knows is that that kiss on the dance floor ignited something inside her. Something that's been building ever since the Halloween party, and something that Lexa obviously felt as well. The way she kissed her back, the way she made her feel…
Clarke has to swallow and close her eyes for a second. She wishes she were still at the club, still kissing Lexa against that wall; still feeling all those tingles coursing through her body at Lexa's touch, making her feel like there was nothing she couldn't do.
She wants to feel that feeling of freedom and excited giddiness again she had when Lexa danced with her. She wants to look into those eyes and see them laugh while Lexa's lips barely smile. She wants to feel like she's incredibly desirable like she did when she saw Lexa watching her dance and she wants to hug Lexa again so she can feel her heart racing.
That was maybe the most amazing thing Clarke experienced all evening, she thinks. The way she could literally feel every beat of Lexa's galloping heart against her own chest. She doesn't think she's ever felt so… humbled.
There she was, this amazing, beautiful, badass, mysterious, stoic and guarded woman and yet somehow for some reason she let Clarke close to her. Close enough to let her body give away how vulnerable, how nervous she felt around her. Clarke doesn't even need Lexa to say anything. People say a picture speaks more than a thousand words. Well if that's true, then Lexa's heart spoke a million tonight.
A buzzing sound makes Clarke take in a surprised breath. Quickly she reaches for her phone underneath one of the books in front of her, before people start tutting at her. She is in the library after all.
It's a text from Octavia letting her know that she's just in the area and asking if she wants a ride home.
For a moment Clarke considers it, but then she grimly decides she needs to get this done.
Concentrate, come on!
She can't believe it. She's free! Well, for now, but still! She handed in all the pressing papers and she can breathe again! College won't be this stressful until end of semester exams, Clarke thinks hopefully.
This week was especially hard. Working nonstop either at the pilot house or in the library on her papers meant that Clarke practically didn't see anyone all week. She was up and out of the house before Raven or Octavia even really got up and by the time she got home she was so beat that she barely registered anything before falling into bed. She even changed her shower routine from evenings to mornings to get more study time in at the end of the day when she usually peaks and be more alert in the beginning of her days.
Even though it was very exhausting, Clarke feels really good about this week. She got everything done in time and after initial problems focusing, somehow she managed to push every other thought away and concentrate on what needed to be done for the remaining days.
As she opens the door to the apartment, happy to finally be home at a decent hour instead of close to midnight, she hears laughter. Raven, Octavia and Lincoln are chilling on the couch in the living room. Raven is sitting on the far right with her feet resting on the couch's right wing, Octavia next to her, her own legs folded underneath her and leaning slightly forward while Lincoln lazily strokes her back, launching in a semi-horizontal position to Octavia's left, his legs stretched out onto the floor. In front of them on the coffee table sits Octavia's laptop which they're all watching avidly.
When she comes in, they briefly glance up, but right then something hilarious must be happening on screen, because all three of them fall into a fit of laughter. Octavia is doubled over, Lincoln is practically wheezing, his whole body shaking from his laughs, and Raven is yelling, "I told you I couldn't hold it any longer, I told you!"
Curious as to what has them in stitches like this Clarke carelessly drops her backpack next to the book shelf and walks over to the living room area. She doesn't have to wait long to figure it out. A squeaky voice announces Bellamy is such a buttface and Clarke immediately recognizes it as belonging to kid Octavia. She didn't know Octavia back then, or any of her friends here, but she's seen enough home videos like this to feel like she did. Mrs. Blake must have dug up another recording and sent it to Octavia like she does sometimes and Clarke is eager to watch.
"Start it over! I missed everything!" she demands, pulling off her jacket and throwing it in the rough direction of her backpack.
"Nooo!" Raven complains, hiding her face behind her hands, but by her laugh Clarke can tell she doesn't really mind. After all, Clarke has seen Raven act like a child enough times, so really it's nothing new. How bad could it be.
Octavia complies and restarts the video from the beginning.
"Oh my god, your poor mom." Clarke laughs after the last clip ends, the soft cushions almost heavenly comfortable against her back after sitting in a hard library chair for the better part of her week.
"Why?" Raven asks indignantly.
"Hey, Bellamy was just as bad!" Octavia defends as well and Clarke isn't sure she quite believes that. Raven on the other hand nods vigorously.
"Yeah, we never dug up the flower bed because we thought we'd find treasure there." She scoffs.
"To be fair, we did bury our time capsule there though." Octavia admits and Clarke can just picture the two of them. They probably dressed in dark colors, hushed each other to be quiet and waited for nightfall to go on their little adventure in the Blakes' garden.
"Yeah, but that was after Bellamy had already destroyed it."
"Yeah, two years after!" Octavia laughs. "We still killed all of mom's precious Begonias all over again! She's still pissed about that by the way and she grounded us both, remember? Well, me and then you decided to join me in protest. I think she found it too endearing to throw her out." She adds the last part in explanation to Lincoln and Clarke who listen to the story with amusement.
"Yeah, but Bellamy did it first. Plus, we had a way better reason! Who would hide a pirate treasure in a flower bed?"
"Isn't a time capsule kind of like a treasure, too, though?" Lincoln throws in and Clarke has to agree.
"Not when it's filled with our junk, trust me." Raven counters, shaking her head with a snort.
"Hey! Speak for yourself! I put some awesome things in there!" Octavia protests fervently, looking up from her laptop as she puts on some music.
"Oh, please! I bet you don't even remember what you put in it!" Raven challenges, cocking an eyebrow. Octavia is adamant however.
"Sure I do! My tamagochi Frederick for one!"
"Oh my god, Freddy!" Raven laughs out loud, before her eyes gleam with excitement. "Do you think-"
"No." Octavia deadpans, not even letting Raven finish. "There is no way he isn't dead, we're not digging it up to check."
"But-"
"Raven, no!"
"But that's what time capsules are for!" Raven argues loudly and Clarke can practically see her shrink and turn into six year-old Raven, stomping her foot and furrowing her brows. "To dig them up again later and look at all the stupid stuff you used to love!"
"Yeah, like when we're seventy! Not ten years after we put it in the ground!"
"Fine." Raven huffs and throws herself back against the couch cushions, arms crossed over her chest. Clarke has to smirk and catches Lincoln biting his lip in a futile attempt to hide his own grin.
Raven's pouting doesn't last too long, though.
When Octavia asks if anybody is hungry Raven's hand shoots into the air. Clarke and Lincoln nod as well, humming affirmatively.
"I could order us something?" Lincoln suggests. "You don't really have much in the fridge." He adds, when Clarke starts saying something.
"Oh, okay." She concedes. Ordering in doesn't sound too bad anyway actually and now that she has a job again she can afford it more easily, too.
Octavia must be thinking along the same lines.
"Yes! Ugh, I've missed indulging in the comfort of getting food delivered to me." She sighs with a dreamy expression on her face and Raven rolls her eyes.
"Like I didn't cook for you just yesterday. You didn't even have to lift a finger."
"That's different." Octavia insists, getting up from the couch.
"How?" Raven asks almost offended, looking after Octavia as she makes her way to the kitchen. "I even set the table and everything! You literally just had to sit down! That's like less movement than you'd have had to make if you'd ordered something and had to get it from the door!"
"That's a good point." Clarke agrees, fully aware her comment might fuel the bickering between her two friends. Smirking, she gets up and follows Octavia. She hasn't felt this relaxed in weeks; maybe even since the semester started.
"Well, yeah, but ordering in just feels different." Octavia tries to explain, raising her voice and getting four glasses out of the cupboard next to the fridge. "Linc? Coke?"
"Yeah, coke sounds good, thanks!" Lincoln's voice sounds over Raven's.
"Feels different how? You said you liked my risotto!"
"I did!" Octavia now almost shouts over her shoulder as she opens the fridge and gets out a bottle of coke and a bottle of rum. Ever since Octavia started 'training' for the bartender job, they've had more alcohol at home than usual. Tonight Clarke isn't complaining. A cocktail might be really nice, actually.
"But you'd like an ordered one better." Raven sounds like she's pouting again.
"Oh my god," Octavia groans under her breath, before abandoning the only half-full glasses in front of her and turning around. Both hands firmly planted on the kitchen island, she shoots Raven a look. "Your risotto was awesome, okay? We just hardly ever order in and I thought it would be nice. It doesn't taste better, I just like not having to cook or clean, okay?"
As Octavia resumes pouring the drinks Clarke thinks she hears Raven mumble 'It's not like you were a big help with clean-up yesterday either' under her breath.
If Octavia hears her, she chooses to ignore the comment. At a questioning raise of the eyebrows from Octavia, Clarke nods for her to spike Clarke's coke with rum like she did with her own. Then they carry the four drinks out into the living room area. Octavia places one of the virgin cocktails in front of Raven and sits down between her and Lincoln again. Clarke sets the second alcohol free drink in front of Lincoln and then walks over to sit down next to Raven.
She's still frowning and Clarke kisses her cheek wordlessly. Raven's face relaxes, her pout now more playful than upset and when Clarke kisses her again, this time purposely blowing her cheeks up before she does so, more blowing a raspberry than actually kissing, Raven wrinkles her nose and giggles.
"Stop, ew!" she protests and demonstratively wipes over her own cheek with her hand. "Gross."
Clarke just grins and wiggles her eyebrows at Raven, before taking her glass from the table and taking a sip. Octavia made the mix a little strong and at the slightly burning taste of alcohol Clarke grimaces.
Raven furrows her eyebrows, "Hey, you got alcohol in there?" she asks confused, before taking her own glass. With narrowed eyes she first sniffs it, then takes a sip. Clarke and Octavia exchange a sheepish look and Raven hums scandalized, before she can even swallow.
"Oh my god, you bitches!" she exclaims and Lincoln draws his lips inside his mouth, his eyes big. "You gave me a virgin, what the hell!"
"Dr. Kane said-"
"We're just looking out fo-"
"Uh uh!" Raven holds up her hand and Clarke and Octavia fall silent. "I can't believe you'd go behind my back to try and make me be healthy. How dare you." She rebukes them; not altogether angry, but definitely a little annoyed. Clarke can't really blame her. She feels a little bad now, but Raven can be so frustratingly careless and argumentative when it comes to her own well-being that she and Octavia sometimes take the easy way out. If Octavia even agrees with Clarke that is. The fact that she does on this should really say something, Clarke defends in her mind. If even Raven's partner in crime thinks she needs to slow down, a little white lie of omission surely can't be that bad, right?
All the internal arguing doesn't really help with Clarke's conscience though, so she opts for the other way out. Ass-kissing.
"We're sorry, Raven, we just didn't want to corrupt you. You've been doing so great with the whole taking it easy thing and we didn't want to make it harder for you." She tries. It's not even a lie, actually. Raven really has been listening to Dr. Kane's orders exceptionally well compared to her usual half-hearted compliance and Clarke recognizes that. But she still worries Raven will throw caution to the wind and go rock climbing any day now. She guesses that's not really fair to Raven, though.
When Raven just continues shaking her head at them, Clarke sighs.
"Sorry." She says again, really meaning it this time. Raven looks from her to Octavia.
Their other roommate hesitates, but then seems to decide she needs to say something.
"I'm sorry, too, Rae. I just- I just want you to be okay. I hated seeing you in a damn hospital again and I just really need you to stay out of one for a long time. Maybe forever. Okay? Just… no more hospitals. That's all." She shrugs, and Clarke thinks she looks a little helpless and a little lost. Remembering how panicked Octavia was when Raven went under again, Clarke hopes Raven isn't really mad at them.
If she was, Octavia's words seem to have changed Raven's mind. Her scowl melts away and she looks at Octavia with such softness that Clarke almost feels like she's intruding.
"Okay." Raven almost whispers, her eyes still glued to Octavia, who's looking down at her drink. "No more hospitals." She promises with a faint smile. Octavia nods before she looks up, almost like she needed to collect herself first.
"Good." She finally smiles back and Clarke feels something unsaid dissipate like their breath vapor dissipated into the cold air in front of the club the other night. It makes her feel strangely lonely and her mind wanders to Lexa.
Instantly she's much more aware of her heartbeat steadily thumping inside her. It isn't fast to begin with, but the memory of Lexa's heart racing against her chest makes it speed up within the blink of an eye. Clarke takes another sip of her drink and tries to swallow down her sudden jitteriness.
"Sneaky." Raven shakes her head at them again, but this time she laughs. "I can't believe you got me to forget I'm mad at you for making me drink a virgin on my own. But fine, you guys have your party, but you only get to play the 'We're just worried about you' card once!" she warns, pointing a finger at Clarke, Octavia and Lincoln in turn.
Lincoln lifts his hands in an innocent gesture, "Hey, I'm with you. Pure coke, here!" he holds up his glass.
"Yeah, why is that by the way? You're not drinking?" Clarke asks Lincoln, but it's Octavia who answers.
"Nuh, he can't. Lexa's been riding him super hard. Running every morning, sparring every day, the poor guy is exhausted, can't you see?" she pouts at Lincoln, practically cooing the last words while a small smirk plays around her lips.
Raven snorts, but at the mention of Lexa's name, Clarke's heart stutters. Irrationally, she wonders if the others can hear it. It just feels like everybody can tell that her mind immediately snapped back to their kisses and she feels her cheeks heat up.
"Naw," Raven teases, "is the big scary Commander being mean to you?"
Lincoln can't hold back the laugh. "Don't even joke! She's been relentless this week! I'd like to see you try to keep up with her!"
"Don't you always train together?" Raven questions.
"Yeah, but I don't know. She's especially….motivated this week, I guess." He shrugs and Octavia pats his thigh, chuckling lightly, before putting on another song. Clarke hadn't even notice the music had stopped.
"Motivated?" she echoes, her throat feeling a little dry. She's very aware of Raven's eyes on her. She swears she can see her smirking out of the corner of her eye.
"Yeah, I mean she's got me meeting her at five every morning and we usually don't get out of the gym until like eleven at night or something. It's crazy. She never trains this hard. Not even before a fight. My…everything is killing me" he breathes out a laugh, massaging his right arm.
"Huh," Raven sounds way too knowing for Clarke's liking as she looks at her for longer than necessary. "I wonder what that's about."
Heart now positively hammering and face burning, Clarke can't stop a nervous laugh from escaping her. "Yeah, weird."
"Mhm," Raven hums and this time Clarke is absolutely sure she saw her grinning, before she addresses Lincoln. "So why don't you just tell her to train by herself? It's not like you're her personal trainer, right?"
"No, I'm not really, but it's fine. I like working out with her and actually her perseverance and dedication are kind of helping me. I've been wanting to kick it up a notch anyway." He explains, leaning back.
"Plus, how long can she really go on like this." Octavia adds and Clarke can tell she wouldn't mind having her boyfriend back to herself.
"Oh, I don't know. Clarke, what do you think?" Raven suddenly prods and Clarke feels terribly in the spotlight. Did Raven see them making out or something? She can't see another reason for her to act so… interrogative. Clarke knows she didn't see her kiss Lexa when she went back down to 'get her phone', but she guesses they weren't really discreet in the middle of the dance floor. Anybody could have seen them. Not that Clarke would mind. She isn't embarrassed about it or ashamed of Lexa, but she isn't sure what to think and even less what to say about it. How could she answer questions about what happened if she isn't sure herself?
She's been pushing these questions down all week, but now they come flooding back like drops of ink running along invisible lines of water, expanding and branching off, until a pre-drawn picture appears seemingly out of nowhere; like magic. Only her picture doesn't come out quite clear and all she's left with is a dark, blotchy mess of questions.
Three in particular seem really important to Clarke.
Did they just make out because they were drunk?
Clarke isn't so sure. She's made out with her fair share of people because alcohol lowered her inhibitions and it just seemed like fun at the time, but this was different. It felt more… inevitable. She didn't kiss Lexa on the dance floor because she wanted to kiss someone and Lexa just happened to be there. And she sure as hell didn't go back into the club, making up an excuse to do so and leaving her friends in the cold, because she was just drunk and horny. If nothing else, she's sure of that. She kissed Lexa, because she wanted to; has wanted to since before she ever touched a drink that night. She kissed Lexa, because she felt drawn to her, felt a connection with her. She kissed Lexa, because she needed to.
But what does that mean?
Is she gay? Or maybe bisexual like Raven? Maybe so. It feels strange to think of herself in new defining terms, but Clarke can't deny her attraction to Lexa any longer. It isn't platonic; it isn't simple admiration, either, and saying she just finds her interesting really doesn't explain why kissing her made her entire body ache in the best possible way.
Bisexual. She hasn't even said it out loud yet and still the word feels strange on her tongue. Not bad, just unfamiliar. Maybe talking to Raven of all people about this might not be the worst idea. But not now. Not in front of Lincoln.
And not when the third question is still burning into her like it is.
What about Lexa?
What did Lexa think about all of this? Did she regret what happened? Did she even think twice about it? Clarke knows Lexa liked kissing her. She knows, because she felt it; in the way Lexa moved, the way she breathed, the way she kissed her back and the way her heart was racing. She'll never forget that feeling. They weren't even kissing in that moment and still Lexa's heartbeat galloped against Clarke's chest. Clarke doesn't want to believe that that was just because Lexa was nervous or drunk or turned on, although two of those at least she wouldn't mind. She doesn't know why, but she doesn't want to be just another conquest for Lexa; just another girl in a club that she liked kissing. Because Clarke has no doubt in her mind now that she wasn't the first girl Lexa kissed. But what if that's all it was for Lexa? What if that's all she was to her? Just one of many. And what if not?
While the thought of it having been nothing more than a casual make-out session for Lexa makes Clarke's insides turn cold, at the same time she doesn't know if she wants it to mean something different; something more. She just doesn't know.
"I'm sure she'll slow down soon. She probably just had a fight with Anya or something." Lincoln says just then and Clarke jolts out of her thoughts. When Raven and Octavia's eyes move away from her to look at Lincoln instead, she realizes that he just saved her from having to answer Raven's question and looking weird not responding in time. Whether he did it on purpose or not, Clarke is grateful for the distraction.
"Do they fight a lot?" Octavia asks, but Raven cuts in.
"Hold up,"
Clarke freezes.
"weren't we gonna order?"
"Oh, yeah!" Octavia agrees and Clarke quietly lets out the breath she was holding. "What should we get? Sushi? Burgers? Pizza?"
While they decide where to order from, Clarke makes a mental note to talk to Raven about all of this. And soon.
A tear rolls down Lexa's cheek and she angrily tries to blink back the next one that's threatening to spill over.
It hurts.
It really hurts, actually.
Another few tears roll down, chasing the first, and she can't stand the burning any longer.
With a groan, Lexa turns her head to the side and takes a step back from the cutting board.
"Ugh, fuck." She cusses under her breath, making Anya look up at her from the stove.
"Wuss." She snorts, before taking the cutting board from the counter and pushing the onion slices Lexa cut into the pan with the purple cutting knife she was using earlier. It sizzles loudly and Lexa grimaces as she presses the outsides of her wrists against her closed eyes. She hates cutting onions.
Anya grabs her elbow and pulls her over to the stove without asking, switching their places. "Here, you stir, I'll cut the rest of them."
Still blinking painfully, Lexa takes the wooden cooking spoon and starts moving the onion slices around in the pan. As the smell wafts up into her nose, her eyes burn even more.
"Oh my god, that's worse." She moans, barely seeing anything as her narrowed eyes fill with tears again immediately.
"Oh, for fuck's sake!" Anya exclaims. "You are such a crybaby! And you call yourself the Commander." she accuses, huffing out an unbelieving laugh.
Lexa furrows her eyebrows, blindly keeping on stirring.
"You call me that." She murmurs indignantly. After all, Lexa wasn't the one who was all too eager to pick up the name the MMA community started calling her after her first win in the octagon.
"What was that?" Anya asks, and Lexa is pretty sure the sizzling onions weren't that loud.
"I think the water is boiling, hand me the pasta." She says instead of repeating herself and Anya reaches the pack of penne pasta over with a satisfied expression on her face that drives Lexa up the wall.
"That's what I thought."
It takes a lot of restraint not to mockingly echo what Anya said, but Lexa sticks to scowling instead as she pours the pasta into the pot. It's not like she has a lot of choice, anyway. Her facial muscles are contracting all on their own, trying to combat the pain.
Stupid onions.
Stupid Anya.
Stupid everything.
A little while later they're sitting across from each other at the dinner table.
Lexa burned the roof of her mouth on the first bite and now she's just moodily pushing pasta around on her plate, drawing wiggly lines in the vegetable sauce they made.
Stupid pasta.
She catches Anya watching her and stares back. When Anya doesn't say or do anything, Lexa grumbles, "What?"
"What's up with you this week?" Anya asks bluntly, abandoning her cutlery on her almost empty plate to cross her arms over her chest. Leaning back in her chair, she tilts her head to the side, contemplating Lexa.
"Nothing." Lexa evades, looking back down to the her own plate. A big letter C stares back up at her from the sauce and she quickly completes it to a circle with the piece of pasta on her fork.
"You've been antsy and cranky all week." Anya insists and Lexa's jaw tenses. She hates the word 'cranky'. It's for children. It sounds condescending somehow.
Not saying anything, she decides to take a bite of her food instead. It's cold.
After another moment of silent scrutiny, Anya prods on.
"Did something happen with you and Blondie at the club?"
Lexa is so surprised that she almost chokes on the next piece of pasta. She manages to swallow it painfully and clears her throat, feeling like someone just shoved a couple of ice cubes down the back of her hoodie. Is her heart beating louder than just a second ago?
"What?" Lexa asks, stunned and more than a little overwhelmed at so suddenly being put on the spot.
"You've been acting weird ever since Octavia left with Blondie and her other friends that night. Did something happen? Did she kiss that hype girl again?"
"What?" Lexa just repeats stupidly. Hype girl? Does Anya mean Raven? Lexa didn't even know Anya noticed Clarke and Raven's little make out session, too. It hadn't really been at the centre of Lincoln's picture from that one night in Seattle not too long ago, but apparently Lexa wasn't the only one looking closely enough to spot the two girls on the dance floor behind Octavia.
"She didn't shoot you down or something, right? Cause I really don't want any drama and I'm not firing Octavia. I mean, I'd totally fire someone for you, you know out of sisterly solidarity and all, but not her. It took me forever to find someone and she's got just the right mix of polite sweetness and confident sass. She's perfect for handling our customers. Plus, she knows most of the cocktails by heart already. I only saw her cheating off her phone like twice on trial night."
Lexa just blinks. What?
"I- no," Lexa starts, feeling like she's sat in an oral exam she didn't study for. She slowly shakes her head. "she- she didn't-she…"
"She what?" Anya asks, reaching for her glass. "Come on, spit it out already."
Lexa's heart is definitely louder than usual. Fidgeting in her chair, Lexa draws in a deep breath as discreetly as possible. When she looks back up, Anya is still calmly watching her over the rim of her glass. Her eyebrows jerk up as if to say 'Well?' and Lexa just can't hold it in any longer.
"We…we kissed." She finally admits and the way Anya's eyebrows shoot towards her hairline even higher is almost comical.
"You…wow, okay!" she nods at Lexa with an impressed expression on her face. "That's kind of… unexpected to be honest." She frowns with a laugh. "I didn't really think you had the balls, or did she make the first move?"
"I…I'm not sure. Both? I don't know, it just kind of happened." Lexa answers, feeling both relieved and uncomfortable talking about this.
"Well, good for you." Anya shrugs and raises her glass in a half-assed toast. Lexa feels a little mocked by it, but she ignores it. She kind of really wants to talk to Anya about this now actually. After all, Anya was there when she first ever kissed a girl, too.
"Oh my god, that was painful to watch." Anya laughs as Lexa opens the passenger side of Anya's truck.
Lexa would tell her to fuck off, but she's still too much of a nervous wreck and really that was a horrible goodbye. It was awkward and silent and uncomfortable and Lexa wishes she could have just turned invisible and run away halfway through it.
"She wanted you to kiss her, you know that, right?"
"What?" Lexa hisses. No. No way! Costia did not want her to kiss her. That's ridiculous.
Anya just laughs again as she starts the engine. "Oh my god, the poor girl."
"Shut up!" Lexa snaps in a harsh growl as she angrily pulls the seatbelt across her chest. Just shut up!
Anya has no right! She has no right to tell her she's not good enough; no right to make her feel even worse than she already does. She has no right to pretend like she cares. She made it painfully clear that she doesn't give a shit about Lexa. If she did, she wouldn't have gotten emancipated and just left her. It was supposed to be their home, it was supposed to be them against the rest and Anya just left; she left her all alone.
With nothing but a bunch of whiney assholes and an old hag who was glad to be rid of Anya and who wouldn't stop drilling into Lexa what a horrible girl Anya was and what a horrible girl she had made Lexa as well. What a horrible bitch Lexa was. What a horrible, ungrateful, hateful little brat.
Anya left and Lexa was left with no one. No one that liked her anyway. No one that would speak as much as one single kind word to her. Not that Lexa needed it. She didn't need anyone.
That's what she told the social worker when she came to investigate the old hag's claim that Lexa was unbearable. A nightmare. A 'threat to herself and others'. Not someone she wanted to have around her other children. Lexa had never snorted so hard in her life. Like Mrs. Maynard even cared about the others! She treated all of them alike; like they were leeches. They were nothing but inconvenient means to make some money without actually doing anything to her. But fine, Lexa would go. She didn't want to stay there anyway.
Lexa told the social worker that. She told her she would just live on her own. Like Anya was doing. She could do it, she could!
But the small, round-faced woman wouldn't listen. She just shoved Lexa's two backpacks in the trunk of her car and snapped at Lexa to get in. And just like that she was back at the shelter.
If only she had stayed there. Or if only she had run away. If only Anya had actually cared like she's now pretending to, and agreed to let Lexa live with her. If only Lexa had gone anywhere, anywhere, but her next 'home'. It would have never happened. It would have never happened and she would be fine. If only…
But she did go there. And when everything went to shit, when Lexa came home that night, when it happened…Anya wasn't there. She wasn't there and Lexa was all alone, trapped in a nightmare she still can't wake up from.
Once again she was taken away. This time she can hardly remember how it happened. Police were there. Blue and red lights everywhere. That's all she remembers. That and that Anya wasn't there. She wasn't there. She wasn't there to help her. She wasn't there to stop it. She wasn't there. She just wasn't there. She was gone. She was gone and Lexa isn't sure who she's even thinking about anymore. Anya, herself or…
Enough. It was done. The past and there was nothing she could do about it anymore. She was here now. Another new home, another new family, another new life. And this time a new Lexa, too. One that was done. She was just done. Done with hoping, done with trying, done with fighting; just done.
And then she met Costia.
And Costia was anything but done. She was right there; right there on the porch when Lexa opened the door, right there in Lexa's face with her beautiful, wild black hair and her warm brown eyes and her stupid soft smile as she welcomed Lexa to the neighborhood; Costia was right there in front of her and before Lexa even knew what was happening, Costia was right there in Lexa's head as well. In her head and in her…
No.
"You should tell her that you like her." Anya says just then, but Lexa doesn't look at her. She keeps staring out of the window, watching the trees race past them. She locks her arms tighter across her chest. It feels painfully constricted – it always does now – but against Lexa's hopes the pressure doesn't help.
"I don't."
"Riiight." Anya drawls and Lexa's hands ball into fists. Her nails dig into her skin. "And I'm not driving a truck right now."
Lexa doesn't say anything. She can't. She just clenches her jaw, her ears ringing and rushing with blood. She's angry. Always so angry now and Anya needs to shut up.
"You're not fooling anyone with your broody thing. I bet she sees right through that." Anya goes on and Lexa grits her teeth tighter. Shut up, shut up, shut up!
"Fine, be like that. I'm just saying that goodbye was awkward as hell and you know it."
Shut! UP!
It's silent for a few moments and Lexa takes some breaths. She keeps watching the trees zoom in and out of her line of sight. She tries to name them, but finds she has no idea about trees. Before she can try anything else to center herself, Anya starts again and Lexa presses her eyes closed.
"Come on, Lex, she seems like a cool chick. I don't know why you're acting like a damn child. Just admit you like her. I'm not even saying you gotta own up to being smitten even though you clearly are, ju-"
"SHUT UP!" Lexa explodes suddenly and when her fist connects to the hard dashboard in front of her, she sees Anya flinch out of the corner of her eye. It's oddly satisfying, but also horribly terrifying at the same time and Lexa's heart is racing so painfully that she wants to clutch her chest and push and claw and shred and tear until she can rip it right out.
'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.'
'One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight nine, ten.'
'One, two three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten.'
It's quiet in the car now. Quiet except for the screams that echo throughout Lexa's body and shake her to her core; like they do every goddamn day now.
Lexa's hand is throbbing and she takes refuge in the pain. Her mind crawls up in those knuckles and cowers there, hiding from the demons that rule every other sensation in her body. Closing her eyes again, Lexa tries to calm her breathing as she listens to her thundering heart and starts counting its beats.
She's at 147 before it stops feeling like every pulse pushes liquid fire through her veins.
Another 86 beats and her lungs don't hurt with every breath anymore.
31 more and she can slowly peel her fingernails from her palms. The faint pain across her skin pulsates in time with the one from her knuckles and it feels soothing.
At the 287th beat Lexa's body is calm. Nothing is left. No hate, no pain, no flashes. Nothing but the ever-present, now muffled screams in the back of her mind and the throbbing knot in her throat.
They go for dinner like they do every Friday, to the same restaurant they visit every Friday, and Lexa lets Anya tell her about her life like every Friday. They eat and drink and sit across from each other and when Anya pulls two small packs of skittles from her bra even though she has pockets, Lexa even smiles. It feels odd and scary, but when Anya smiles back it also feels familiar.
Lexa wants to tell Anya she's sorry for punching her car, but she doesn't.
And she wants to hug her, let everything spill over and let Anya comfort her, but she can't.
Lexa wants to beg Anya to take her away, but she knows what she really wants is for Anya to take her back in time and Anya can't, so Lexa stays silent.
Lexa also wants to yell at Anya and tell her what a fucking piece of shit she is for leaving her, but all Lexa can do is eat and drink and sit with Anya and pretend like she hates her and pretend like she doesn't, when all she really wants is to be with Anya like they used to be.
Lexa wants so many things it tears her apart, but most of all Lexa wants to want nothing anymore.
But she can't. She can't stop it, she can't, so she eats and drinks and sits and listens and doesn't say a word.
When they get back to her new home, it's already dark, but Lexa catches herself scanning the neighbor's porch for a dark figure sitting there anyway. And like always, she really is. Costia is right there.
This time Lexa doesn't mind when Anya speaks. She almost welcomes it.
"She's waiting for you."
"Yeah."
She swallows dryly.
"It's nice to have someone waiting for you."
No. No!
"Yeah."
A hand softly touches her shoulder and Lexa twitches, but doesn't push it away.
"You got this." Anya whispers simply, but Lexa hears so much more.
'You got this, Lexa. Don't let your fear take everything away. Don't let what happened rule you. You're stronger than that. Just go and let her guide you back to yourself. You got this, I know you do.'
Lexa doesn't know if Anya would really ever say those things or even think them, but she can't stop wanting things so she might as well let herself want this to be true as well; want Anya saying those things to be true and want Anya to be right about them, too.
Being done was supposed to end her fight, but it didn't.
Costia made her want things again, despite wanting so desperately to not want things anymore, and Lexa just can't fight her anymore. She can't fight wanting anymore. She can't fight her urge to keep fighting anymore. She can't.
'You got this.'
Nodding slowly, Lexa presses her lips together.
"Yeah."
She gets out without another word and she doesn't hear Anya's truck drive away until Costia is already in her arms.
That night Costia kisses Lexa until she can't hear the screams anymore.
And wanting something doesn't seem so bad, when someone is there to give it to you.
"So, how was it?" Anya grins at Lexa from across the table.
"Hm?"
Anya rolls her eyes. "The kiss! How was kissing Blondie? Stop dreaming about it and tell me, or do I need to get some cold water?"
Clarke.
Suddenly flashes of blonde hair and blue eyes and soft lips assault Lexa's brain and it feels like someone just jumpstarted her entire body. Everything's whirring and steaming and pulsing and Lexa wouldn't be surprised to hear she is vibrating in her chair.
"I-it was…it was…"
Clarke's lips press against hers and Lexa hears Clarke breathe heavily through her nose. The quick gushes of air feel cool against her heated cheek.
"It was good." Lexa's throat bobs, when she swallows dryly.
Clarke's breasts are pushing against her and Lexa feels goose bumps race down her spine as Clarke's fingers run through her hair, tangling themselves up in it as she grabs it.
Lexa nods, "Yeah, it was…it was great."
Clarke pushes her against the door and Lexa can hear a tiny, high-pitched moan as she's being kissed so hard it almost hurts. A tingling sensation rushes through her and settles between her legs and her knees are suddenly so weak that she can feel her thighs trembling.
She clears her throat and crosses her legs and Anya lets out the loudest laugh Lexa has heard from her in weeks.
NOTES:
Hey guys! I know it's been a while, but here is chapter 11!
I hope you guys enjoy it and leave me a review!
Lots of love,
Lea