By my estimate: September 29, 2008

It is strange to think how much has happened since I could last write. Everything has changed. I was such a fool to believe my life could stay untouched on the surface. That the things that had happened in my past could stay in fevered nightmares, and not become reality. I had hoped... Even when my kind were not meant to hope, I think. But now everything is changed and I have a choice to make.
I should start where I left: on the surface. I left home for the final fights, believing I was possibly leaving for my death. Sora agreed to help me by lending me the use of a crystal, but no one else knew what I had planned. I was honestly quite surprised by Sora's willingness to help. But now I am starting to see that Soras not quite as naive as I had thought. I acted as though I had the highest hopes of survival. They did not suspect anything.
shale had the arena built in Estevan's library, and had it rigged to contain tass which they released during the second round of each fight. I decided the best time to move was during round two of Tori's fight. They would be distracted by his presence, and surprise would be in my corner.
And it should have worked. I under estimated one thing, Shale's ability to resist. He realized what was happening and fled. I went after him, but was stopped by Ral Heron, just as I predicted. He looked happier than I have ever seen him; as though he had waited his whole life for an excuse two kill me. He almost succeeded, but one of my friends distracted him from the coup de grace, and Sora healed the wound that should have bled me to death. I even came away from that encounter without a scar... It is funny, my scar used to itch when I would think about engel. Since after that fight, it has not. Perhaps the situation with Ral Heron has been resolved.
By the time I came to, Heron was down. Everyone else wanted to finish the job, even Sora clamored for his death. But I would not allow it. He had been brought so low... I feel at least a little responsible. And I believe there is a chance for him. I hope Maggie and Ral Dolas were able to get to him and help him be what he was meant to be. Tori took him away from the others, hopefully to somewhere Maggie could find him, and we went down the secret passage way after Shale.
We caught up with him in the room that was once the Crystal Room, where he had built some kind of machine. I think now it was a tas generator. We fought, and during the battle the machine took a lot of damage. It shot tas lightning, a thing that was familiar to me too late... We were taken to Atlantis.
When I realized where we were, I admit I lost my head. I wish now that I had not, things may have gone differently had I tried to be calm. Shale attacked me, mostly out of fear and anger, and I did the same. We must have been quite a sight, him trying to get his fingers around my neck while I tried to claw his eyes out. I regret... I regret not trying to find a solution that would have aided all of us. He was just as upset about being there as we were, and could have been convinced to work with us to get back home. A shade on our team would have been such a boon here. He wanted to be home as badly as we did. I regret his death.
It was a tiefling woman, riding a terrifying winged horse who did it. We did not even see her until Shale was dead. She laughed and named us all mockingly: and engel, a slave, kindred... an emissary. She was thrilled to see Sora. At last, she claimed, the time has come. And she left, laughing. I do not what to know what that means... I fear soon I will.

We rested, and then made our way into the nearby city. It was abandoned, and it did not take us long to realize that we were in Caspian Falls. We were ambushed by kobolds, but were able to convince them not to eat us. We traded some favors, employed some flattery, and were able to enlist their aid for a couple days. I admit, I was not very grateful at the time. I do not like kobolds, but I suppose I should not have been so rude. Too late now, but next time... I will try to remember...
We agreed to help them get rid of the fish people by the river, and were on our way to do so when we were captured by elves. I am convinced that if Tori had not revealed his nature they would have killed us all. We were taken to their home in the city. Sora was able to get us an interview with their elders, and we learned what had happened here. Caspian Falls was controlled by my people, with Shaddovar receiving tribute every so often. Atherton Wing controlled a portion of the city, and kidnapped elves every so often to employ as slaves. And Vestorimin was incapacitated; frozen in a palace swarming with drow.
We were invited to stay and rest, then be on our way to wherever we might choose. We were with the elves for almost a month, bidding our time, planning our next move. The others were able to go about the village freely. I could not. They were afraid that I might be attacked, because none of them believed I could be changed. Different had no meaning to them.
I tried to not let in get to me, but it bothers me when others can be so closed minded. They do not understand what I have been through to get to this point, or how hard I try every moment to turn from what I was. Hell, what I AM. Will I go the rest of my life struggling against persecution?... I suppose it may be no less than I have earned.
I told Allie about our shared past during this time. I hate the necessity of it, but since we are here it had to be done. Better for her to hear it from me than from someone who would use the knowledge as a weapon against her. She handled it well... by well, I mean she waited until she was alone to weep, I believe. She was shocked. There is nothing left in her that can comprehend the idea of being a slave Keeper. She hates them. I have decided not to tell her the details of what I remember. Of how I was used and how often. Of the number of ways she let others have me, and what she did herself. Of how I was made... I do not know if she could handle the full truth of it, so I will keep it from her. I also promised not to tell the others. I do not know if they could treat her the same, knowing the very little they do about what was done to me.
We tried to destroy the collar, but have yet been unable to do so. I will keep it with me until I can. If I discard it, it will be used again. The cycle ends with me.
I spent most of the month bored out of my mind. I am sure I drove my Elvin guard out of their minds as well. My experiments with far hand and mind reading were not well received. I was given extra guards after a little over a week. Nor would they let me practice kata, taking my weapons away completely. I am a creature of action. And without something to keep me occupied I get unbearably restless.
We all started to feel the need to do something. Either to get home, or to make the situation here better. We learned that there was a portal to the north called the City of Light by the elves. This is where the military breach is. Getting to it was a possibility. We learned about Stygia, where there may also be a portal.
But I continued to feel a nagging at my brain I needed to make amends for what had happened here. That we should free Vestorimin. It did not take much to convince the others to agree. I kept thinking of what Maggie had said a year ago. We all came together for a purpose. There is a reason we became friends, and maybe the reason is to rectify the past. To heal all the terrible things that happened. To end a war...
We told the Elvin elders of our plans and they gave us three guides; Aelfwynn, Corbin, and Lythendell. After a couple days preparation, we departed.

On our way to the Royal Quarter of the city, we met the kobolds. It seems they had been searching for us since we had gone with the elves. They still wanted our aid in dealing with the Sahuagin by the river. I think the other would have turned from our objective, but I suggested that we free Vestorimin first, and then go to the river. I learned that the word Vestorimin translates in to pretty much every language quite clearly. They knew I had mentioned him and wanted to know why. Sora told them what we meant to do.
The kobolds were quite excited and insisted on accompanying us. We could hardly refuse; they would have followed us regardless.
We traveled along the aqueducts for about an hour, when we came to a breach in the path. We had to jump and Allie slipped and fell. Tori flew to catch her and once on the ground, they were shot at by a spiderbot. A fucking Wing Corporation spiderbot. I hate that damned vampire! He is next on my bad list! Luckily they were able to mostly avoid the nets and no one was hurt. There is a possibility that Wing knows we are here. I hope it gives him something to think about.
Continuing on, we and eventually came to a place where the kobolds would not continue. They referred to it as the ogre line and tried to keep us from crossing it. But we had to; on the other side was the Royal Quarter. We left them behind.
We arrived at a drop; below us was where we needed to be. Taka pulled a light out of his shirt a shined it around, which was really not a good idea. I thought nothing of it at the time, but once we made the connection, Taka was not allowed to care a light anymore. We climbed down, and once we reached the bottom were promptly attacked from above. Drow on very big birds were attempting to kill or capture us, I am unsure which.
One got away, but we were able to kill another, and capture a third. The others wanted to interrogate him. Colt was getting out a knife. The idea of torturing my own kind made me sick. I could not do it, and I could not let the others hurt him. I thought that if we showed him we did not mean to do harm, we might convince him that working for Shaddovar was not in his best interest. My methods were not successful. I do not think he knew anything anyway. He did not know what a human was, and seemed to know nothing about Emissary's either. Aelfwynn killed him. No one could know we were there, and it was the only way to deal with him. I could not watch. I hate killing my own kind. I refuse to do so unless it is absolutely needful. I wish the others could understand that. I am beginning to abhor killing at all; the futility of it is despairing.
I tried to explain this to Tori. I told him I did not know if I could kill my own kind. I thought he would understand... He did not. He was angry and asked why I told him these things. I trust him, and believed that of all people he would not judge me. I am beginning to realize I was wrong. He is changing, I loved the human, but he is an engel now... And they were meant to judge, I think. He does not see this yet. I think he still expects things from me that I can no longer give him. The last thing I want to do is hurt him, I still care for him a good deal... But I will have to tell him eventually.
As we walked through the city, we passed many dragonkin and kobolds that were frozen solid. We wanted to better understand what exactly had happened to them, so I tried reading the minds of those around me to see if the frozen dragons were still alive. It was, well, quite disturbing to hear several kobolds wishing they could scratch their noses... And I heard some of the thoughts of my friends. What they thought did not surprise me too much, but I was surprised to find that Corbin, one of our elf scouts, was thinking about me. He had come with us to watch me! Honestly, I thought it was because he meant to kill me, so when I had a moment to talk to him away from the others, I confronted him about it. He told me that it was true, he was watching me, but it was only to see what I would do. He said that I surprised him with my uniqueness, and he wanted to see if others like me were free, would they all be able to change so much. Maybe there was hope.
Ah, it was exactly what I needed to hear. That there was someone else among us who wanted to try change. To give freedom a chance. My attitude towards our elf friends changed considerably after that. Having them with us was more of a boon than I had imagined.
We continued on and eventually came to a tall building where we could see the rest of the city. We realized that we had an opportunity to stage a great distraction to hide our entrance into the palace. The buildings all had light fixtures on their roofs that could be activated with magic. We planned to light three of the tallest buildings and draw out parties from the palace. We hoped the chaos would keep us from being caught.
We lit one building and on our way to the next we found helicopter wreckage. It seems the military has been exploring a lot more of Atlantis than we thought. We scavenged for equipment, figuring it was worth our time (it really was!). We had cleaned up most of the useful things, when we were spotted by a patrol of goblins. It was a touch of luck they only saw Allie, Corbin and I. It took a few hints, but I finally got Allie to play the part and get them to leave us to our business. They looked disappointed, as though they were missing a real treat (I think they thought we meant to kill Corbin), but they backed off.
So far we were doing very well. We had not been caught and we managed to avoid any serious injuries. We lit the second building and continued toward the palace.

This is where things seemed to go wrong. We arrived at the third building we had chosen to be lit. What we had not expected was that the building was on the main thoroughfare leading to the palace. We discovered that this road was being used to carry ore, slaves and draconians to the palace. As we were trying to get into the building, a cart of slaves being led by a Slaver rolled past. Luckily we were not spotted by him.
Everyone was safe in the building, though in different rooms. Then I sensed something was wrong. I could hear soldiers approaching. I was close to the door, so I looked to see what we were expecting. They were led by a Kesh Ne''Marr that was obviously searching for something. I felt that of all thoughts, mine were the ones they would sense, and the most important thing was for the others to free Vestorimin. I could be freed later. So I made sure the Kesh Ne'Marr could see me, and bolted, counting on their chasing me.
I really should have known my plan would not go far. Tori was off right after me to stop me, and they were much more interested in killing an engel than capturing a run away slave. I am afraid it will not be easy to get him to let me go. I turned back and joined the fight, which had gotten messy. I tried to get the others not to kill the slave, but it was an empty hope. I learned then the collar will kill a slave when the Mistress is dead. And I asked them to spare him, not her.
I also learned my kind fight dirty. Which is really no surprise to me, I know what I am. They use a poison on their weapons that puts their victims to sleep. I was one such victim. I went down in the middle of the fight and did not wake for several hours.
During that time, I dreamed.
I was in a cavern chained to a wall, in a circle with others of my kind. I was naked and cold, and more frightened than I can ever remember being. We were chained around a pit in the center of the cavern; a pit full of a violet, shiny goo. Whatever it was filled with filled me with horror and disgust. It was pulsing with some kind of almost alien power. I was enthralled by it, and then the screaming started.
There were Slavers around the room. They were doing things to the others. They were raised up off the ground, and then the tentacles would come up off the Slavers faces and wrap themselves around the drow's heads. I can still hear their strangled screams echoing in my mind. They were doing other things, but I could not see. I was unable to tear my gaze away from the Slavers that were eating the drow. I am sure that is what they were doing, and it filled me with a sick, petrified terror. What was done to us is unforgivable. Truly evil.
Though, I am unsure now what exactly to blame it on. Everything has become so confusing.
A Slaver stepped in front of me. I tried to scramble backwards, but I moved too late. It forced me to rise and lifted my feet off the ground. It looked at me a moment, as if considering my worth, then made a strange gesture with it's hands.
My world turned to pain. It felt as though I were on fire, and the places where there are now glyphs on my body burned the most intensely. I was branded from the inside. I screamed with the pain, I thought I would scream forever. Then I woke in Tori's arms.
I appreciate his trying, I really do. But it is so hard to accept comfort from one who will never understand the full scope of the horror that was forced upon me. I was raped; mind, body and soul, and no one can understand who was not in the cavern with me. Tori will try, but there will never be ease in his embrace. I will always put him at a distance. He will end up confused and resentful, and I will run away from it; probably right back into a bottle. This will not work.
So I pushed him away. He knew I had a nightmare and left me alone. They had fled after the fight to an abandoned part of the city. Takashi had been hurt badly during the battle and everyone needed time to recover. We really needed to figure out how we would get into the palace, and spent much time discussing with Aelfwynn the best way how.
We had a bit of a surprise during this time. Colt picked up a distress call on his radio. There was a human from the military wreckage still alive! Jordan Crow was also terrified and a great fool, and once he learned that Colt was able to help him he shot a flare gun. I was furious. If we were discovered so close to our goal, there was no telling if we would be able to reach it. Luckily the flare was not seen, and we gained a mostly competent ally. He was unsure about Allie and myself, understandably, but has learned we mean no harm. Leastwise, not to him.

We decided our best option was to get into the palace by trying to find a passage through the waterfall. We made it there with no delays, which in itself was a bit strange. But I am certainly not going to nay say good luck, which has been with us since we arrived in Caspian Falls. There were platforms along the cliffs that seemed to be made for loading supplies or for mining. We were able to access the top most of these undetected. However as we went down we ran into a few goblins, which we were able to take out without any problems.
It was once we found access to a cave system we ran into anything that would cause problems for us. The worst of problems: it was a Slaver. He stunned all of us except for Tori. I could hear the screams of other slaves in my head as I stood there unable to move. A sick horror rose in my throat, I do not think I could have moved if I had been able to. Tori killed it, and we were all fine, but it took me a while to recover. I cannot think of many things that fill me with as much fear and loathing as a Slaver. Not even the shade make me feel this way. I know I will have to face this terror, but I am so scared I will freeze up. And someone I care about will get hurt because I fear my past. I fear those that made me what I am. And that fear could destroy me. It almost did on the surface, after all. I have come to close... It is too easy to go back.
We pressed on down the tunnel. We did not run into any more patrols, which I am grateful for. However, we did come across a strange obstacle before we entered the palace. There was a gate; three bars covered in writing blocked our path. Nigel knew the language, and claimed the writing told us how to unlock the gate. But the writing scrolled all around the bars and he could not see the other side. I was prepared, unusually, with a small mirror I got in Paris. I telekinetically moved the mirror around where he was reading, and after a while he figured out most of the key. We had to move the bars around in different sequences, in different directions, and we were not sure if actually touching them was a good idea. They are lucky they are friends with quite a versatile psionic or they may have had to find another way into the palace. I used a couple powers to turn the bars and we were able to pass.
It was a short hallway into the palace from there. We entered through a wine cellar and took out a few guards on our way up. During one short fight we almost had a couple big bruisers join in. I was able to convince Allie once again to play the part of what she used to be and get them to leave. It was incredibly funny; they were terrified. I am glad she is becoming less afraid of the past. Finding ways to use it to our advantage has been very helpful quite a few times. Maybe I will eventually be able to get her to act the part without verbal prompting!
We worked our way up to the top of a tower and looked out to see which way we needed to go. WE found we had started something big. The two buildings we had lit for our distraction had started a chain reaction lighting up every building in the city. It was like being in Boston looking down from the Baxter Building. At least that much had been successful! We took note of the general direction we would need to go to get to what we guessed was the throne room and went back down the tower. I was starting to understand the danger we were in. The palace is so large and there was no telling how many enemies there were. We could not be seen. I had to turn my back several times on my friends killing my people. It was necessary. Freeing Vestorimin was so important, but I still regret every death.
I had almost given up on being able to talk reasonably with other drow. They all seemed so stubborn and willing to blindly follow Shaddovar, even though they could be so much more. I have since learned that it is not a human trend alone for some people to be so lacking in imagination and ambition. It makes me wonder how I became the slave! I would have been better used helping my own kind. But I am glad I am not the kind who gives up easily. We came across another Kesh Ne'Marr. They were in the back of a patrol we had come across. I did not know they were there at first, but when I heard the woman shout, "Kesh Ne'Marr, stand down and report!" I knew we were in trouble.
The others took on the patrol while Allie and I took on the Mistress and slave. I am certain he was hearing my thoughts. I did not want to fight him, and he looked me in the eyes and said, "Then come home." I still feel a chill down my spine thinking about these words. They imply something I did not understand then, and am only starting to see now. And I fear the outcome. I will come home one day, and nothing will be the same. He was incredibly fast; it was as though he knew what I was planning on doing before I did it. Luckily, I happen to be fairly fast too, even without precognition. We were very well matched. Allie and Taka kept the Mistress busy; I think Corbin or Aelfwynn also tried to take her down. A patch of darkness formed in the corner where I thought I had seen the elves. I heard her say to Allie, Control your pet, or I will." Bitch.
Then a funny thing happened that makes me sure he could hear my thoughts. The darkness disappeared. I figured it was Nigel, only a magic user could undo darkness formed by a tiefling. I registered this in the back of my mind and they stopped for just a moment and looked at me. Fear filled her eyes, and he looked very surprised. Something about the name Caspian was unexpected.
We continued fighting and things took a turn for the worst. Colt went down at some point, and Crow shot Allie before he fled because he thought she was responsible. The Mistress was really beating on Taka, and Allie was trying to help me with the slave; who was still proving untouchable. It was looking like we were going to loose and I knew they would take me alive if they could. I decided if that were true, I had only one more chance to be true to myself. One last attempt to prove we had a choice.
I stopped attacking using my swords only to defend myself, and told him it did not have to be this way. We do not have to be slaves to Shaddovar. We can be more. It seemed it was the promise of more that caught his attention. My spirit lifted just a little; he was listening! His Mistress screamed we could only be as we were made and Allie replied we could choose if we want. She was helping me, I could have kissed her! The others had never shown an interest before in helping me with my goals, so Allie's assistance came as a pleasant surprise. Especially considering how she feels about Kesh Ne'Marr. His Mistress tried so hard to bring him to heel, but the damage was done. Allie hit her with a poisoned bolt and she was unconscious.
I was very worried about how we were going get the collar off. I do not know very much about them, and Nolan seemed a bit worried about it too. Nigel, who has turned out to be a constant blessing, had a lock picking kit and was able to remove the collar from both Nolan and his Mistress. We hid in a nearby room to talk and rest for a short time. I told him a little bit about myself; I had lost my memory when I was transferred to the surface. Apparently, Shaddovar has been telling everyone the surface is uninhabitable and Vestorimin and the dragons had wiped out all of the humans. We had proof this was not true. I told him we were here to free Vestorimin. Nolan believed me, but it is never easy to learn you have been lied to and used. He asked if there was sky on the surface... and I almost wept. I may never see the sky again, but at least I have the memory of it. Nolan does not even have that much.
We had tarried for too long, it was time to make a very important decision. What do we with the Keeper? The other would have killed her outright, but I felt it was very important to involve Nolan. I was not sure what kind of feelings he might have had toward her; if he really did care for her and believed she could be persuaded to help us it would be wrong to kill her. After all, I care about Allie very much, though it has become a friendship as opposed to love. I could never justify not trying to show anyone a new way to live. Nolan told me, after I asked him what he thought; she would not want to live in a place where she would no be a queen. I asked him what he wanted to do with her, trying so hard to be careful of his feelings. It was so important to me he decide.
Without another word he killed her. I wish I could say I watched emotionlessly, but watching him stab through her body with his psi-blades made me realize something. I did not have the choice to be free. It was forced on me, just like everything else in my life before then. I learned how to cope with freedom, learned to like it; but I will never get the release I could see in Nolan's eyes as he took her life. I will never be able to take my freedom.
He wept as he did it, honestly I wept a little too. The first step is not ease, this I understand. I went and touched his shoulder, though I should have known better. It is hard to know what to expect from the touch of another when touch has been used against you for so long. I think is why I get defensive and confused when one of my friends tries to embrace or comfort me. I am waiting to see what it is going to cost me. He pushed me away and fled from the room. I have not seen him since, which concerns me. A freed slave cannot survive on his own, especially freed without the blessing of his maters. I am responsible for whatever happens to him. If he is not hurt somewhere, or captured or dead, I believe he will show up again. I hope it is soon, because I have a lot of questions for him.

We continued on to where we thought the Throne Room might be. We were actually a lot closer than I had guessed, because it was no too long before we could here two echoing voices in conversation. It was the leader of the garrison here reporting to someone else. The leader was telling his superior about our attack, plus the Slavers knew that one of us was and engel. They guessed correctly we were attempting to free Vestorimin. His superior was very angry about this, shouting this must not be allowed to happen. He said something about having to be at the front and he would hate to be called away again over nothing. I believe he left at that time and those remaining continued with their ritual.
Colt and I sneaked out onto the balcony to see exactly what we were up against. What I saw still brings bile to my throat. The dragon, Vestorimin, stood in the middle of the room, wings poised for attack, his mouth open as if in an eternal roar, his scales a shimmering gold. I stared for a moment, in awe of how powerfully beautiful he was. I had not seen something so great before that moment. Yet still his eyes seemed to convey a great sorrow. Blood and gore filled his open maw. A scaffolding of wood and metal was built around the front of him, with a crosswalk leading to his head. There were strange glowing glyphs on the floor, with draconians frozen in place on them. Four shades stood around them, performing some strange chant and gesturing at the dragons. Then the bodies of the draconians began to contort and contract into themselves. I began to understand what was going to happen, but the truth was too horrifying to believe. They moved the crushed draconians up the scaffolding and to the center, right in front of Vestorimin's open mouth. I knew then what they would do, and though it sickened me I could not look away. They pushed the remains of his kin into his open mouth, forcing him to cannibalize his own descendants. I had to fight vomiting, I was so disgusted and horrified, but we could not reveal ourselves just yet.
Colt kept his head a bit better than I did, and set up our plan. While he and the elves would stay on the balcony and distract the shade and the demon that lead them, the rest of us would go sown to the ground floor and stop the ritual. Colt set up his very large gun and they shot at the shade while we hurried down the stairs.
The demon was no longer on the ground floor by the time we got there, but I could hear them fighting with something big on the balcony and figured correctly he was fighting with the elves. The shade were reluctant to pause in their ritual, but under our attacks they soon found they had no other choice.
I was too distracted by my opponent to see what was happening, but Allie told me later what was going on at the time. As we were fighting, one of the shades continued the ritual while the rest took care of us. Colt was shooting at him while he cast and killed him, interrupting the ritual. The draconian he was casting on died and fell to the floor, blood going everywhere. The glyph it was on went dark. Allie watched and realized what this might mean. She shot a crossbow at one of the remaining dragons, causing it to bleed on the second glyph. She had been trying not to kill it, but it still died. The second glyph went dark. On the balcony Colt watched and also realized what had to be done. He shot and killed the remaining draconian and broke the spell.
The dragon's roar was deafening. I felt a painful tug in my stomach, there was a flash of blinding light, and the Throne Room was gone.

It was cold and wet when I came to awareness again. I opened my eyes to a blinding white light and had to blink several times before I was able to see even a little. It did not take very long to figure out what was going on. We were laying in the snow on the surface, with a giant fucking dragon sitting near us staring at the twilight... And Filaine and Ryan were with us.
I decided the dragon could wait. Fil was in her pajamas and it was freezing! All I could think of was Vestorimin did not have the best sense of timing. I gave Fil my cloak since I did not need it as much as she did. She did not know how she had gotten there, but I had a pretty good idea.
I took stock of the situation. We were all there except for Aelfwynn, Corbin, Lythyndell and Crow. I am still furious with Vestorimin for leaving them behind. However the rest of us were there and unharmed. It was as I turned my attention to the dragon Colt also decided to find out what was going on. I am not sure what Colt said to him, but I think was something along the lines of please do not eat us, because the dragon replied, "I was not planning on it." He examined us each in turn; I could see so much wisdom and sorrow in his eyes. But there was no anger, at least not when he looked at me. I knew then my fears were unfounded, he would not stamp me out like vermin.
Instead he thanked us, Allie and Colt especially, as it was them who really broke the spell. He offered to grant us each one request. I could not think of anything for myself except to change the past, but I knew it would be impossible. Instead I asked for a clear intellect, so I could better keep my cool under pressure. Considering how much my emotions jumble my thoughts, this cannot have been too difficult.
As the others made their requests I sat back and thought about what would happen next. It seemed as though we would go back to Atlantis. I thought about how the only thing Nolan had asked about was the sky. The longing in his voice had struck me. I had seen the sky, the stars, clouds, snow, a thunderstorm... And had taken it all for granted. So I sat back and stared into the stars, trying to imprint them into my memory. I knew where my destiny lay, and it is not up there... Not yet.
I felt Tori walking toward me, heard the flutter of his wings and shuddered. No, no comfort there. I was about to ask him to leave me alone, when Vestorimin addressed us all once again. He gave us a choice. We could go back to Boston and resume our normal lives, without our memories of Atlantis. Or we could go back to Caspian Falls and face darkness and pain and fear... What a choice... A few of us were not given a choice. Filaine is a Princess of her people. A princess! I am not surprised. It was her duty to return to Caspian Falls and help restore the city. Sora carries four of the keys to Stygia, and is the only emissary left ho understands what is at stake. And Nigel and Ryan are becoming too powerful to be let loose among humans. They had to return to Atlantis. The rest of us could choose.
Colt declared that if even one of us had to stat, all of us had to. I bristled a little at his presumption. If I stayed it would be for my own reasons, not for some illusion of solidarity. Tori agreed to stay, citing pretty much the same reason as Colt. Taka agreed, and so did Allie. Then the dragon turned his eyes on me. I did not want to go back. Atlantis has meant nothing but pain and fear and anger. On the surface I could choose. On the surface was light, and art and music; ships on the ocean, and dancing at the club until dawn; Paris, Egypt... Boston... It is my home.
And then I thought, of all the most unexpected things, about Nolan. I helped free him and then left him there alone. If I went back to Boston, he would not have a chance to continue to choose... and we would both loose the only person who understands what we are. When I thought about this I could not bear the thought of turning back. I agreed; I had a responsibility. Maybe I am an idealist. Maybe I am pursuing a goal that will ever be beyond my reach. Perhaps hope is my weakness, but am I wrong to hope for something better?! Is it wrong for me to hope for something more, not just for me, but for others? I do not think so.
Vestorimin asked us what we planned on doing in Atlantis once we were back. It was difficult to frame an answer. We paused for a moment, none of us willing to commit to any one thing. Then Tori replied, "Help win a war." This was not quite what I was expecting any of us to say. It was, strange enough, Vestorimin who put voice to my reservations. He said history is a cycle, and what has happened now has happened before. He did not need to tell us that winning would not change a thing. The cycle must be broken in order for change. The cycle must be broken for there to be peace. And then Tori said something that sealed away any hope for the two of us, "Someone must enforce the peace." A sentiment echoed by his Hymnal brother... And in the end, their reason for was... I realized, truly realized then Tori and I could never be together. I will never be able to get past what he is. You could call me a hypocrite, but I care not. It would end in tragedy, and I really need no more of that. It is better ended now.
I asked him who exactly he thought would "enforce" this peace. I think we would have had a terrible row right there, but the dragon interrupted. He told Tori he may find himself disappointed in the engels he will meet in Atlantis. I fear this may be true, we will not find them helpful. Vestorimin told us our goals would be difficult, that the people in Atlantis were not meant to change. It would be hard to get them to understand change... They are what they are. Most slaves see no need to be free. I was very angry I asked why the Creators made us this way. He told me we were experiments and humans were the culmination of what they meant to achieve. I am still angry. They made us, failed experiments, and then expelled us from the world so we could kill each other. But they were wrong to do so. Some of us were not so easily cast aside, and now the entire world might pay the price. They were wrong and we will pay for it.
I must have been dying for a good argument. I almost started on Vestorimin, but he stopped me, saying we could talk about theology and philosophy later. It was time to go back, if we were still resolved to do so. He asked if we were still resolved to return. Each in turn he made us state what we wished. Climactically, I was last. I think he knew my heart on this matter. Did I wish to go back? No, never... but I would return to Atlantis regardless. One cannot fight their destiny. I looked to the sky one last time, burning the starts into my memory.

I do not like traveling between worlds. There is a pain in your belly, like a hook grabbing about your inside. It tugs hard on your body and pulls you through. When you get to the other side you feel light headed and disoriented, and an extreme nausea. It is worse than a hang over, or coming down from a high, or airplane travel. I hope I will only have to feel it one more time: when I get to go home when this is all over.
We arrived back in the Throne Room; Vestorimin's cry still echoing through the world. I took stock of the situation we found ourselves in once again, and found it to be not good. The demon still stood upon the balcony, the bodies of the elves, our friends, dangling from ropes below him. Tortured, near dead. The three remaining shade stood on the ground floor, watching or aiding the torture it matters not. The demon exclaimed his surprise we would return, but there was no need for an answer on our part. He ordered the shade to kill us.
Does Shaddovar answer to demons? I shall ask Nolan when I can find him. Unless he was not entirely aware of anything beyond his Mistress, he may have some information that could aid us.
They descended upon us as Tori took flight to engage the demon. That would give me time to climb up to the balcony and fee the elves. They are our friends, though they may distrust me personally. They deserve to be first in my mind. Colt's gift from Vestorimin was a new path. He was granted holy powers to combat his enemies. As I ran for the nearest place to climb, he created a sphere of light to better combat the darkness the shade created around them.
By the time I climbed up to the elves the fight was over. We had cut off the head of the enemy in Caspian Falls, but the battle raged on throughout the city. After we made sure our friends were yet living, I looked out from a balcony to the outside. I could see where the battles raged most hot by the pockets of fire and light that were spread throughout the city. And I could see Vestorimin, wings spread in flight, breathing fires of vengeance on those who had held him captive for so long. I watched knowing I was witnessing, ha, contributing to history. But the others called me away; we still had our own part to play.

It seemed to me the safest place for us to be was the Throne Room. The bulk of our enemies lay outside fighting dragons and very few others knew we were there. Colt showed me otherwise. Tendrils of shadow curled through the broken skylights... Danger quickly approached us. Colt and Tori herded us back to the room here Nolan had killed his Mistress. I had hoped he would have come back there, but no one was there save the mangled corpse. I tried to keep her out of my mind as I helped to make the elves comfortable. When Colt began setting up a barricade it dawned on me: we should not have left the Throne Room. If we were the only allies we had in the palace, then it was our responsibility to hold it. We had to fight. When I realized this, I prepared myself for an argument. But Colt agreed with me, so the others followed. Colt instructed Crow to barricade the door and protect the elves while we went back to the Throne Room.
The shadows were still pouring in through the skylight as we watched from the balcony. As we waited to see what we would be facing, there was a terrible scream in the air. I felt fear like I have not felt in a long while... And then the voices claimed me.
A terrible voice, male and female and monster alike spoke in my head, "You have come back!" I was possessed by a cold terror, unable to move or speak or even think beyond these words, "You have come back!... Now you can do it!" I cannot describe what I felt gripped by what ever it is that held me at the time. These thoughts, this thing is so alien and horrifying no words in any language I have ever heard can describe it. It is everything and nothing, primordial and technological, and for some reason I will never comprehend it has chosen me.
It was only for a minute but it felt like years before I felt the scream tearing my throat, and heard the rush of wings. Tori. They needed me. I tore my awareness from their grasp and took in what was going on around me. The tiefling woman who killed Shale and what looked like a melding of an engel and a shade fought on the other side of the balcony. I could not recall his arrival, though I remember hers through a haze. They spoke while they fought and he shouted, "You have taken her from me once, I will not allow it again!" To which she laughed and insulted his creation and family line. I recall asking Allie if he meant her or me... Ah, were we surprised by the answer!
There were six shades on the ground and Taka and Tori were headed for them while Colt prepared to shoot his very large gun down at them. I pushed the voices as far back in my mind as I could, though they still drove me to distraction, and climbed down o join the fray. It was a strange fight. Looking back it seems as though my awareness was unattached to my body. As though I was an outsider watching my actions. I remember thinking that if they were not silent; they would cause my death by distracting me from the fight. But they persisted, "You have come back! Now free us! She's back, now she can do it!" Every voice, and now there were several, chanted a different litany, but they all meant the same. They had found me, and they would claim me if they could.
The teifling woman called down to the shade we fought to stop playing with us, and do their job. By then we had killed two of them. The rest quickly faded from sight and we turned our attention from the teifling and her opponent. She vaulted back onto her winged horse and shouted, stereotypically, this was not over. I swear I shall claw out the eyes of the next fool to say this! Then she left. Allie and I exchanged a glance, both of us certain we were about to find out the answer to the question left between us earlier.
The man dove from the balcony, headed quickly for Allie and myself. We were both completely unprepared for this, and it seemed as though time slowed for a handful of heartbeats. He landed in front of us and in two quick steps lifted Allie into an embrace, and I understood. I had felt there was something more to her loyalty than Shaddovar, and now I knew what it was. She had a lover. He nearly wept to see her again, and all she could do was stare at him dumbly and stammer she did not remember. I could have wept with frustration. I adore the woman fiercely, but she is so completely tactless when it comes to caring for the emotions of others. Was she always this way, or has it only been since the memory loss?
He was surprised and did not understand. Allie seemed incapable of explaining, such was her shock, I took pity on the pair of them and explained we had been on the surface. He asked how we came to be together since we had been separated, and I told him it was an accident we had found each other... Or fate. It did not surprise him. Since this did not seem to enable Allie's ability to communicate, I delivered the final blow. I told him we had lost our memories during the transfer and while I had regained a few memories; Allie remembered nothing.
And the voices returned, like a terrible hand gripping my mind. "Remember? She remembers! Remember!" They cried as one. I felt a twist in my stomach as my mind was pulled to the memory of the caver. This time, chained to the wall before the pit, I looked up. A cauldron hung there, above the pit. I knew, as bile rose in throat, whatever was in the cauldron was very, very bad. Above the cauldron the cavern was open. Drow stood all around the opening pointing bows and other weapons at the cauldron. Instinct told me there was constant surveillance on the cauldron and had been for an eternity. It was very, very bad...
I am starting to wonder if I have been wrong about how and why I was made to be this way. Was it my own people who did this? I fear maybe it was. I am not sure what to think of it. I know, though I do not want to know, I will learn the truth of it one day. I will regret it.
I was unchained from the wall and taken out of the cavern. It seemed as though I were going to be deployed like the others, but they brought me back into the cavern and chained me to the wall again. I watched other drow go through the same branding ritual I did... I can even vaguely recall Nolan's face... And then they did the same to me again. Several times they had me unchained from the wall, only to bring me back and brand me again. Over and over and over. Throughout the whole memory the voices cried, remember, remember, remember! I will go slowly mad if I cannot banish their chorus from my mind.
With a gasp I became aware of where I was once more. I had fallen to the floor, my friends standing around me. I had only been gripped by memory for a handful of minutes. Allie's ancient lover, Typhon, was gone; and it was time to decide what to do. I could still hear them in my head; now knowing without being told where they come from. The pit. They are whatever is glowing inside its depths. I collected myself and tried to concentrate on the matter at hand. It was difficult, but I have found I have hidden steel in my nerves. The difficult is not beyond my ken.

The palace at Caspian Falls has five towers. Each of these towers has three levels, and each level has one barricade-able door. Plus there are the main gates to the city and the door behind them. We had to make sure all the doors were shut and barricaded. Colt and Taka decided we should split up to save time, and no one protested. In hind sight this was a terrible idea. But at the time I was fighting with the chorus in my head and was not entirely there.
So Allie and I set out alone for the tower in which we entered. The door on the third floor was wide open. At first I thought of Nolan, but now I think it may have been one of the shades who escaped us. We shut and locked the door, then moved on to the next. We secured half of the doors on the third floor, when we found something very strange. A door in the middle of the hallway was covered in red graffiti. It looked like blood. We stopped so Allie could take a look at it. She told me the writing was a warding spell of some kind, and she thought the room might be a library.
We would have stayed longer, but there was a crash a couple floors below us. The tower had been breached. I thought it might be a good idea to sneak up on the enemy since we were above them and they would not be expecting us. It seemed like a good ambush, but I did not take into account their numbers, power, or the fact that there were only two of us. They were ogres, a lot of ogres and they all had very large weapons. WE had to flee, though I hated the necessity.
We ran to the front door of the palace where Allie continued, but I had reached a point of weariness hard to describe if you have not been assaulted mentally, emotionally and physically all at once. The voices still cried out in my head, "You are back! We are sorry! Free us! She can do it now! Free us!" Also I was starting to see things, things I cannot find the words for. Horrible, alien, disgusting things I do not want to remember. But I still see them. They are taking over my mind, I cannot stop it. They will assault my senses until I am fully their creature, just like they say. I was in tears from exhaustion. I looked over to the door to the Throne Room and to the spot on the balcony where I first began to loose my mind. And I realized it was the perfect place to hide. The ogres were closing in on me, so I ran to the balcony and climbed under it. Right below the spot the enemy would be standing in a matter of seconds.
I could hear them marching, but they did not seem to be coming any closer. Tori came into the Throne Room from the other side then, and flew up to where I clung to the wall. He told me he had just taken out a troupe of ogres by himself and I told him about the group chasing me. By now we could hear them moving away from us and decided to sneak up on the from behind. We went back to the staircase where they were stalling and attacked. Allie, Taka and Colt were at the bottom of the staircase and having caught them between us, we made short work of the last immediate threat to the palace.

At this point, a group of freed draconians came in through the broken skylight. They indicated they would watch the skies for intruders and we decided it was finally safe enough to rest. While the others took Colt, who was hurt badly, to Sora and Crow; I took the opportunity to find a quiet, private place to rest. It had been too long since I had been able to be completely alone and I needed the solitude badly.
Before I started my revery, I tried to force the voices out of my mind. It worked for a very short time, so I know it is possible. But it only lasted for a few seconds before they came back louder than before. They screamed "No! You can't! You service us! You can't!" I nearly wept with frustration. As i rested and reveried, they watched. They saw my memories as I relived them, and now they know more about what I have been doing since I have been away. I do not want them to know! I know they will use it to hurt me, but I cannot shut them out. How long until I can no longer fight it? How long until they take me? I want to die instead. Whatever they want me for, I do not want to do it.
I woke from my revery to find Typhon watching me. I should have expected it after Allie's reaction to him when he first arrived on the scene. I should have known he would not yet be able to confront her and would therefore come to me for answers. I wish I could have provided him with more comforting answers than I was able to give. He asked where we were. I knew when he said "you" what he really meant was her, so I tried to spare him the superfluous details of my own adventures on the surface. I told him we were on the surface, chance led us back to each other, then circumstances and fate brought us back to Atlantis after a year.
He told me Tori was guarding her and he could not get to her. Then he asked me to tell her he had to keep away, Hecate would kill us if she could and he did not want to lead them to Allie. He asked me to tell her he still loves her. Oh, no... This is going to end badly. It is starting to look like a Shakespearean tragedy. I can only hope this is not one of the tales where everyone dies.
I explained to him what has happened to Allie during her time on the surface. I told him she has forgotten everything and does not want to remember. She is not the woman she was here. She hates what she was. I cannot really gauge his reaction to what I told him, though I do know he was not happy to hear it. He gave me a dark look and faded into shadows. Then he was gone. Fuck! Why me? Why now, of all times!? If only Allie were better at talking to people. Though it seems Typhon is not any better at it! I do not want to be in the middle of this, but I want to help my completely inept friend. I suppose what is will be.
After he left I went back to the others. I took Allie aside a moment and told her about the conversation I just had. She had the reaction I figured she would, which was confusion and avoidance. She wants me to tell him about Vince. Me!! Typhon will kill the bearer of this bad news, I am sure of it! Why me? This is all going to end badly.

It was not long before we were summoned by Filaine. I was so glad to hear she lived. When we came back and were all separated, I figured correctly she was with Vestorimin. She had been with him and Nigel in the city fighting the scouting parties of drow. When we arrived in the Throne Room she was there with Vestorimin and Nigel. Oh, poor Fil. She had been so happy on the surface; just a normal girl. And now she stood before us, a princess, with duties and responsibilities. In a time of war... She looked so frightened. But she seemed to be warming up to the idea, if not the practice, and conducted herself beautifully. She explained to us what had happened while we were holding the palace and told us to prepare for a siege.
Vestorimin gave us permission to basically open the palace. This meant breaking the spells on the doors that led to areas Shaddovar wanted restricted. He told us where the power room was so we could light the palace, and gave us permission to use the library. We first went to the power room. After a few false starts Allie was able to break the spell on the door. There were large crystals inside we had guessed were supposed to conduct the light. Colt and Sora cast light spells on them and slowly they collected the light to be spread throughout the palace.
We headed up to the library then. I stalled behind everyone while Allie tried to break the charm on the door. Once again I tried to banish the voices from my mind. But it was for naught. I am afraid I may not be able to maintain my sanity for long. They are still here, whispering to me. Pleading, flattering and threatening me in turns. I cannot shut them out, it is too hard. I am terrified too soon they will claim me for whatever purpose it is they chose for me.
We did not have much of a plan in the library aside from finding maps, so we all separated to our own devices. I wandered for a few minutes looking for something familiar in a room full of a language I do not understand yet. I finally a row of books written in the demon language. There were histories and legal coding and books full of business transactions. I found a history book from five thousand years ago, which is really quite fascinating, and let myself read for a moment. We have the promise of time in the study in the next week, which I am really looking forward to. I need a little time to get my thoughts straight and get used to the voices watching my mind.
I had been reading for a while when Sora and Allie came to me with a puzzle. They had found a couple of tubes which matched spaces under a statue of a dragon Allie had found. We found more of these tubes spread throughout the library. Soon everyone was searching for them. It did take us about an hour, but we found all of the tubes. Once they were placed around the statue it shifted over to reveal a staircase going into the ground. What the hell, we figured. Let us explore!
Halfway down the staircase we learned there was not a staircase all the way down. There were platforms at certain places, but we had to guess where to jump. I have never been good at guessing. Hunches, I can do. Wild theories are my specialty. But guessing on the fly? I fell. It was a long drop, and I had almost resigned myself to death, when Tori caught up with me. We landed, hard, on a floor covered in spikes. It was not too much of a trial to find my way to the wall and climb up to where Taka and Colt waited. Allie also fell, but I was not surprised. She is terrified of heights and has never handled fear very well. But our guardian angel was there and we all got to the end of the staircase safely.
At the end of a staircase was a hallway that was rigged to spout fire if we stepped on certain hexagons. Tori had his tools, however and checked each one for the trigger that would engage the trap. He made it through most of the hallway unscathed, but did set off the trap eventually. Flames spouted from each hole in the wall, nearly lighting Colt on fire as well. Tori was unphased: engel are fairly immune to fire. However his clothes are not and he gave us quite a show. Ah, if I were not resigned to not thinking of Tori in that way... Well, needless to say he is quite a beautiful man.
We crossed the hall to a doorway which opened into an open room only crossable by a series of wires hanging from the ceiling. These wires were covered in quicksilver, which pooled deeply at the floor as well. This was going to be a problem. I climbed the wall all around the room to get a better idea of what we were up against. Around a small corner on both sides of the room was a platform. When pressure was placed on it the platform sunk a little, bringing the wires with it. I crawled to the door. It did not seem to be trapped, but I did not want to risk anything, so I used my far hand to turn the handle. They began to cry, "Yes! Do it! Prove yourself!" I lost my concentration, and almost lost my hold on the wall. They will be my death if it continues like this. This time I did not fall, but next time? I crawled back over to my friends and told them what I had found.
Taka crossed the wires, while Sora and I stood on the platforms to open the door. Sora gave Allie and Colt a spell allowing them to climb on the walls like we could and Tori crossed on the wires. We were a bit worried at first, but everyone got through the door unhurt.
On the other side was a small room that looked to me exactly like the crystal room in St. Stevens. However, there were three more doors in the room Sora told us were marked as past present and future. I could not tell if there was a key to unlocking the doors. Sora placed the crystal in the center and when nothing happened I decided to take a chance. It was foolish of me, I know, but when exactly have I been known for playing it safe? Without really thinking I reached for the door labeled as the future.

I blinked and opened my eyes to find myself in new, but familiar surroundings. I stood on the grounds of St. Mary's, my swords drawn, dead goblins and orcs strewn around me. I had killed them, this much I knew, and they had nearly killed me doing it. A sonic boom blasted over my head, and I looked up to see two black dragons soaring through the sky skirmishing with military jet fighters. There was a feeling this fighting had been going on for years since we got back from Atlantis. I was catching my breath, when a bright white light flashed from the chapel behind me. Something was wrong...

I ran to the chapel, climbed up the walls and through a hole in the ceiling. Quietly I crept to a spot where I could see what had happened. I saw Maggie, surrounded by dead orcs; carrying an engel to the altar. It was Tori... I stifled a sob and watched. He had been stabbed by a very large sword, which was still lodged in his torso. Maggie was weeping. I heard footsteps, and glanced toward the chapel doors. Allie stood there, as a tiefling, not a human. She looked terrified and she started upon seeing Maggie standing there. When Maggie saw her, her face turned ugly. She shouted, "What are you doing here? Do you know what you've done?! You were supposed to fix this!" She headed toward Allie, drawing her weapon.

At this moment a large number of orcs crowded through the door wearing tac vests and shooting automatic weapons. Allie fled the scene, leaving Maggie alone against the enemy. But not for long. A flash of shadow moved around, killing as it went. I believe it was Typhon but I cannot be sure. Allie was there and in danger, so there is a good chance it was him.

A bright light shined on what was left of the ceiling above me. I turned to see what it was and saw a small group of soldiers in armor pointing their gun lights at me. One of them pulled his face mask off a little and I realized it was Colt. He was a couple years older than I am used to seeing him. He motioned for me to follow him, so I flipped from the wall joining him on the ground.

I blinked and the door in front of me opened, revealing Sora and Allie had solved the key to opening the rooms. I felt drained of energy; I am still not entirely recovered from the door. While I was in the future, I could hear the voices as though through a fog. They were still there, but it seemed as though they were turned away from me. Looking somewhere else. But the moment the door opened they returned, "There you are! Quit playing with the dragons and get to work!" I sighed and looked around me. The rooms were really quite fascinating.

Each room held the technologies of the past, present and future represented by magical means. It was quite fascinating to see. I could have spent days looking around there, but Tori had left and told Vestorimin where we were. In his human form he arrived with us immediately. What we did not know was in opening these rooms we had activated other gateways connected to it. I felt so stupid. What have we done? We keep poking our noses where we do not belong and it never ends well. We left the rooms and went about other pursuits in shame.

I was able to find paper, and so am not writing of what we have accomplished. And the task before us. Something must change! I am not sure how to achieve peace, only it means victory for neither side can be had. They must come to an agreement beneficial for both sides, Shaddovar and the Hymnal. I believe it is why we are here. We were brought together fora purpose. Now it is coming clear. There must be peace.