I am consilodating some of my fics. This was first posted 7-7-07. I had only been writing fanfiction for a year at that time.

Chapter Two

2000

She had wanted to die- when she realized he was gone, and not coming back.

Jason Morgan hadn't died...he just moved on, left her behind, without a kiss, without saying a word to her or their baby...he just bailed.

But she couldn't die. If not for Michael she certainly would have bought a gun, or stolen one of Sonny's, and shot herself or someone else. Destroyed something, someone, taken revenge on the world somehow.

She was a mother...Jason had made her one, by helping her learn how to push past her own fears and care for her son, how to put her shit aside and be what their kid needed...so she couldn't do any of those things she wanted. She could only take the pain and push it deep inside.

Sonny didn't want to see her crying over Jason, didn't want to hear any damn fairytales about Jason being her other half or about their now wrecked family. Sonny didn't care about those dreams she used to have...that she still couldn't quite shake even though she didn't know where Jason was...who he was with...if he ever thought of her.

Some dreams die hard...like some loves do.

(I make believe
that you are here

It's the only way
I see clear

What have I done?
You seem to move on easy )( Britney Spears)

It was almost time to leave the hospital now. She had gotten through this ordeal with her life, but just barely. She'd rather her baby had survived. The baby could have been anything, done anything, grown up to be stronger and wiser than her or Sonny...but the baby wouldn't grow up at all now.

Carly didn't want to go back to Sonny's. They weren't dating, married, or even really friends. They were trying to not be enemies, for the sake of their child. That fragile peace accord would probably be over now.

Sure, he held her hand when she woke up and promised to stay by her side. But he couldn't make her stop aching inside. He could try for years, for everyday of his life, and not do what Jason could with one look.
But thinking of Jason was pointless now. Loving him was useless. She was in this on her own.

Just her and their son- the one that he didn't even claim anymore.

What a jacked up life, she thought, What a disaster...you were right, Jase, this wrecked us both in the end...but I wouldn't change a thing...cause that was all just me loving you...and you loving me, whether you admit it or not...you loved me.

(Every time I try to fly, I fall.
Without my wings I feel so small
I guess I need you, baby )

Bobbie stepped into the room.

Carly hated the pity in her mothers eyes. It was easier when all Bobbie felt was hate for her. That never made Carly feel vulnerable or exposed, that was the one emotion she could work well with- simple unbridled hate. But there was no one to hate in this situation, no one to blame- not even A.J.- for everyone did their part, everyone was guilty. Carly blamed herself first, most, and always.

She had caused Jason to leave her. Chased him off like she always feared she would. Made him not able to stand the sight of her, and left herself with a hole no one could ever fill.

"Sonny isn't here to take you home?"

"Guess not. Johnny said he had to leave town."

Bobbie raised on eyebrow.

Carly added, "It's fine. I don't need anyone to hold my hand. I'm not going to lean on Sonny so it doesn't really matter if he is here or not."

Bobbie gave her a skeptical look.

"I'm on my own and fine with it!" Carly insisted.

"Come home with me."

The simple sentence was enough to tempt Carly to break into tears. And all the hormones racing through her body didn't help either. Her mother should despise her, and at one time she did. But still here she was.

"Okay."

No one could save her, only Jason and he was long gone. But maybe her mother could be there for Micheal. He would need someone cause Carly didn't think she would be much good to anyone for a very long time. She felt empty, hollow, spent.

(And every time I see you in my dreams
I see your face, it's haunting me
I guess I need you, baby )

Micheal deserved better than her or A. J. She knew that from the moment she found out she was pregnant. He deserved Jason.

She remembered saying just last year "I'm doing this all for our family..."

Their family. Gone. Just like her baby. Just like Jason. It was all gone and Carly still couldn't die.

If only he would come back...

(I see your face, you're haunting me
I guess I need you baby) ( Britney Spears)

XXXXXXXXXXXX

Jason opened the door to his apartment and immediately felt anger boil up in his veins.

"What?"

"She needs you."

His heart started to hammer in his chest. What could have happened to Carly? Johnny was supposed to call him if anything went down that she couldn't handle on her own. Jason didn't want to ever go back there...but if it came down to her needing him, he would in an instant.

So why was Sonny on his doorstep- the last man on earth he ever wanted to lay eyes on- instead of Johnny?

Jason couldn't speak. His head was empty of words and only images were bombarding him. Carly in a car accident with a gash across her head and blood on her blonde hair...Carly in a cell crying for him to come and break her out...Carly in some guy's bed who was holding her down, making her stay, taking away her choice..or maybe it was Micheal hurt...maybe their son was even...

He couldn't finish the thought, as bile rose up in his throat.

Sonny went on, "She lost our baby and nearly lost her life. She blames herself and me and God. She might even blame you...but all I know is I can't help her right now. I can't...but you can."

Jason stepped out of the doorway and walked back into his little rundown apartment. He could afford better, but he didn't care where he lived. For a month after he left, he hadn't even cared if he ate.

Her baby is gone, he thought, Oh God...

He could picture the ways her eyes must have looked when they told her. He should have been there. If only to promise he'd get her through this...but what good was his promises now?

Sonny didn't follow him inside. He stood at the doorway, his hands shoved in his pockets and a guilty expression on his face. "Listen, man, I never thought it would go this way...it was just one night...I was out of my mind and I played on all her fears..."

"Get out!" The words exploded from deep inside of him without warning. Jason simply couldn't hear excuses right now. That wouldn't change anything for any of them.

Sonny stood his ground. Jason turned and started toward him. His fingers balled into a fist. It would feel like heaven to knock Sonny the hell out, to start hitting him and not stop till he was the one destroyed instead of Jason or Carly.

Before Jason could swing at him Sonny repeated his earlier words, in a quiet but firm tone, "She needs you."

Then he turned and walked down the hall, leaving Jason panting in frustration and anger and pain.

I can't do anything for Carly. Not this time. I'd just make it worse...show her another thing she lost...remind her that I let her down in every way imaginable...I didn't catch her when she fell...