Title: Picking Up the Pieces Chapter 11
Summary: Spike finds something to live for when he thinks there is nothing left. S/D friendship. Takes place after "As You Were" and is AU after that.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Joss could sue me but all he'd get is my Season 1,2 and 3 of Buffy on DVD and Season 5, 6 and 7 on tape! And he owns all of that!
Author's Note: No new Buffy this week makes me sad. I'm a sad, sad person. But I'll write a new chapter anyway.
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Giles watched as Dawn inhaled the large breakfast she'd ordered at the small café he had taken her to. He'd only ordered a cup of coffee. He hoped he had enough cash on him to pay for all that. When she was finally done, she sat back and gave him a big smile.
"Thanks, Giles, that was great. Not as good as Spike makes but still." She shrugged.
"How is that going?" He noticed her immediate change in demeanor. She picked up her fork and started playing around with the yoke left on her plate by the eggs.
"It's great. He takes care of me and we do fun stuff together." She actually blushed when she said it. God, he was going to know something was up if she didn't get her act together. Giles cleared his throat.
"What kind of fun stuff?" She looked up quickly and saw the disapproval creeping into his eyes.
"Nothing bad so you can stop the lecture you're forming in your head right now. He takes me to movies and out to eat and last night he took me to the beach. But most of the time we just hang out at his place and watch TV or talk. Spike's a great listener and he tells the best stories."
"I'm sure he does." Giles muttered mostly to himself. Dawn put the fork down and leaned closer, folding her arms on the table in front of her.
"He saved me Giles. Not just from...well I'm sure he told you about it, but he saved me from more than that. I was honestly beginning to think that nobody here cared about me. Half the time, no one even noticed I was gone. Worse, they barely noticed I was there. Except for Tara. But after she and Willow broke up she wasn't in the house to look out for me anymore. And I know I'm old enough to take care of myself with the basics but my God, Giles, everybody wants attention and at least a little affection from the people who are supposed to love them."
"I wasn't asking for Buffy to take Mom's place but she wasn't even concerned. She would pull out the 'what I say goes' card once in a while if I got in trouble but that's about it. She can't just ignore me 99% of the time and then yell at me the other 1% and expect me to do what she says and not have something to say about it. I'm not trying to make her life difficult. That's why I left. It makes things easier for her and Spike actually likes taking care of me. He cares about me and does the whole gig, not just the yelling." She had crossed her arms in front of her now and without her knowledge had adopted a defensive position.
Giles sighed heavily. How could life become this difficult? How could this girl, who as of a year and half ago didn't even exist, be expected to deal with all of this? It was too much to put on such small shoulders.
Secretly, he was grateful to Spike. If not for him, Dawn may have hurt herself, or worse. He shuddered to even think about it. He didn't know if he could ever bring himself to thank the vampire aloud and when all of this was said and done he hoped Spike wasn't the one left heart broken.
After their breakfast, Giles took Dawn back to the apartment. It was quiet when they entered and Dawn shushed him, indicating that Spike was still sleeping on the couch. She showed him her newly redone room and he found himself once again surprised at Spike's depth of feeling and sensitivity towards this girl.
There appeared to be no reason for it. In all actuality he should hate Dawn. She was the sister of his mortal enemy. Of course, Spike had never been normal and he had fallen in love with said enemy against the rules of both good and evil.
But his love for Buffy could be construed by some as obsession while his love for Dawn could only be seen as the real thing. He loved her against all logic. Even knowing he had no chance with the Slayer, he had befriended this girl. Oh, well. Trying to muddle through Spike's motives would be like wading through mud so Giles let it go.
He walked back into the den to see Dawn cover Spike with a blanket and tuck it snugly around him. Her hand lingered at his face and he watched as she brushed a stray curl away his forehead as he slept. Oh, dear. Her face said it all. She was in love with Spike.
"Oh, dear lord, not again." He whispered to himself. This could only end with somebody getting emotionally scarred for life. Dawn heard him enter the room and she quickly pulled her hand away.
"Hey, Giles." She said to brightly.
"Dawn, we need to talk. There's a garden just outside. Let's go." He moved to the door and Dawn followed with a wounded puppy dog look on her face. He was a little confused at her hesitance when they reached the gate to go in. She finally moved and walked quickly to the chair near the fountain and sat with her hands folded demurely in her lap. She was the picture of innocence and that's what bothered him the most.
"Dawn.." He didn't even know where to start.
"I know what you're gonna say, Giles and I already get it, okay? It's just a crush. I'm fifteen for God's sake. I know better than to believe I could ever have a serious relationship with a century old vampire." He would have almost believed her except for the tears that were welling up in her blue eyes. But she didn't stop there.
"He's in love with Buffy. I'm just a kid to him. He would never act on any feelings he might hypothetically have for me." That brought him up short.
"Act? Dawn, what did he do?" She nearly panicked.
"Nothing! He would never..I can't even believe you would suggest...I mean, he would never!"
"Yes, you said that already. What did he do, Dawn?" He used his stern Watcher voice that usually worked on Buffy but he saw Dawn's chin go up and realized Dawn was nothing like her sister.
"He didn't do anything. This is all one sided. Spike loves Buffy." Giles slumped against the fountain and removed his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose with two fingers. He didn't know if she was trying to convince him or herself. He was so out of his depth here. He'd never been able to help Buffy with her relationship with Angel because he hadn't understood it. Now was no different. What he did know was that this could not end well. Dawn was in love with Spike who was in love with Buffy. He could only feel pity for her. And the saddest part was, it wasn't just a crush. He wasn't too old or out of the loop to see that.
He walked and knelt in front of her taking her hands in his.
"Dawn, I don't care how old you are, getting involved with Spike would never be a good life choice. He's a demon and without the chip.."
"Ahhh! Stop it! God, I'm sick to death of everyone trying to remind me what he is. I live with him for crying out loud! I know what he is! And the thing is, none of you know him at all!" She yelled jumping up and nearly knocking him over.
"Spike is a vampire. Great! Big news flash! I know that. But what all of you don't realize is that he's so much more than that. He loves poetry and cries at 'Steel Magnolias' and he likes Lucky Charms and he keeps a journal and most of all, something he would never admit, is that he regrets, Giles. He regrets. Vampires aren't supposed to feel remorse for their actions, but he does. So you can take all your musty old Watcher journals and shove 'em because I know him." Her face was red and she was breathing rapidly from anger. She was also towering over him and he realized he had backed up and was know sitting on his butt with his back to the cold cement of the fountain.
He had actually felt fear for a moment there. In reality, they knew what Dawn was but not what she was capable of. He had never seen her so furious.
"Okay, okay, Dawn. Calm down. I didn't mean to upset you. Perhaps you're right about him. There is always the possibility that the Council is wrong. We have seen that in the past. And there is always an exception to every rule; even vampires." Her breathing slowed and she sat down hard in the chair behind her.
Giles stood slowly brushing dirt and dried leaves from his pants. He straightened his clothes and adjusted his crooked glasses. This talk was supposed to have been helpful but instead it had opened his eyes. Spike caused extreme emotion in the people's lives he touched. Whether it was hate or love, those he knew felt an immense amount of it for him.
"My point is not even that he is a vampire, Dawn, my point is that he is a hundred odd years older than you and vastly more experienced in..well, everything. I'm only trying to keep you from getting hurt. I was unable to help Buffy when she was going through a similar situation and look how that turned out. So, I am trying to prevent this one from the beginning. Be his friend. I will not warn you away from that, but let it stop there. For your sake, do not pursue any thoughts or fantasies of a relationship with Spike. It can only end in misery."
Above them, Spike shut the window and let the curtain fall back into place.
************************************
Giles did not try to influence Dawn any further. He feared he had struck out on the point and had to hope that she would figure things out on her own without too much pain in the process. His biggest fear was that the love she freely gave Spike would cause the vampire to eventually fall in love with her too. Why did life have to be so damn complicated?
Dawn should be going to slumber parties and giggling over boys with her school chums, not pining after a creature almost two hundred years old. Oh, for a perfect world where evil did not exist. Oh, right. Buffy had already been to that place and from all appearances was trying her hardest to get back there as quickly as possible.
He left Spike's flat and headed towards Buffy's house. He would wait there for her. **********************************
Buffy was exhausted. She'd been on her feet for over eight hours and had three people telling her how to do twenty new things. Her brain couldn't hold any more information. The bad thing was, they expected her to come in the next morning prepared to do all of the things they had supposedly taught her today.
She was walking to her front door with her head down searching her purse for the keys when she saw feet come into view. She looked up slowly and her mouth fell open.
"Giles?" He smiled hopefully opening his arms for her to rush into them but that's not what happened. She just stood there starring at him in disbelief.
He dropped his arms and slid his hands into his pockets. He had been imagining his home coming many times and in most of the scenarios this is how it went. Buffy not speaking to him and simply walking past him as if she didn't even know him. She didn't do that now.
"What are doing here? Is the world ending again?" He couldn't help but smile a little at that.
"No, no. I'm not here to foretell the end of the world yet again. I just came to visit and see how you were doing." Okay, from the look of death she was giving him he figured he had phrased that wrong.
"See how I'm doing? You're kidding right? You flew halfway around the world to get away from me and my problems that I kept burdening you with and now you tell me you just dropped by to see how I'm doing? Don't take this the wrong way Giles, but go to hell." She did walk past him at that point and in her anger could barely fit the key in the lock. She finally got the door open and didn't slam it in his face as he thought she would. She might hate him but that was a sure sign she wanted someone to talk to even if it was him.
He followed her in and closed the door. The house had changed a little since he'd been gone. There was some furniture missing and magical knick- knacks of Willow's were conspicuously absent. He waited in the den while Buffy decided when she wanted to let him off the hook and acknowledge his presence. They both knew it was childish but he let her have this ability to try and make him feel uncomfortable.
She finally came in wearing a t-shirt and cutoff shorts and curled up in the armchair opposite the couch.
"How was your flight?" He was a little surprised she cared but he would play along and see how far she would let him pry.
"Very long and very boring." She simply nodded as if she could think of nothing else to say or ask. He decided to go with the ignorant approach and pretend he hadn't already seen Dawn and talked to Spike.
"Where is Dawn?" Buffy looked around the room and feigned looking around the corner towards the kitchen.
"Not here obviously." He could already tell this was going to be difficult. She was trying to make him lose his patience and he was closer to doing it than he wanted to admit.
"Do you know where she is?"
"Got a pretty good idea." She began to closely examine her fingernails. Definitely time for a manicure. She finally let out an exasperated breath.
"Giles cut the crap, okay. You know she lives with Spike now. I know you've probably talked to all of them about me behind my back to see if I'm falling apart without you here. Well, congratulations, I'm a total basket case. I can't take care of my sister, I can't help my best friend with her magic addiction or the break up with her girlfriend, I can't be Xander's hero anymore, and I had sex with Spike to make myself feel 'better' so my life is pretty much shit." Now it was Giles sitting there like a fish with his mouth hanging open.
"You did what?" he whispered with disbelief.
"Which part, Giles? Oh, that's right. The only part that concerns the Watcher is the fact that I gave it up to another vampire." All that was going through Giles' mind was that Dawn would be crushed. Did she even know?
"What on earth possessed you to do such a thing?"
"Giles let me tell you a little secret." She leaned towards him as if to take him into some sort of confidence.
"Most of the time, I feel completely numb. But those are on the good days. On the bad days, I feel nothing at all. I feel completely empty inside and just for a little while, Spike made me feel something besides dead. And then I took it and twisted it and beat the hell out of him and then in probably the bitchiest moment of my life, I broke up with him. So don't go all warrior protector on me and swear to stake him for me. If you want to protect somebody, maybe you better start protecting them from me."
What frightened him was that she was spilling this to him with dry eyes. Not one tear was being shed over what she had just revealed to him. She meant it as fact. He realized in that moment that he never should have left her alone. She had been too fragile and so confused. He had abandoned her when she needed him the most and this was the result of it. He had failed her as a friend and as a Watcher. He swore to make it right. If anything could be salvaged, he would work till he was dead to do so.
"Do you love him?" Her eyes went wide in surprise.
"I just told you how I treated him and you want to know if I love him? Would you treat someone like that if you loved them?" It was if she were asking him to tell her the answer. "He was there and he listened. He offered me friendship and expected nothing more. Every time something happened between us, I initiated it."
"When did it start?"
"Xander's dancing demon." Giles rolled his eyes.
"Oh, good lord." He stood and started pacing the length of the living room from the front door to the fireplace and back again.
"That's the first time I kissed him. Progressed pretty quickly from that point. I figured I'd gone that far, may as well have the whole package." Giles gave her an annoyed look.
"No pun intended." She ducked her head and blushed.
"And what were your intentions when you started this torrid little affair?"
"God, Giles, you sound like a romance novel. I had no intentions. My thoughts were pretty much 'wow, I feel something'. Lots of wow." Her eyes glazed over as is she was reliving those moments and Giles cleared his throat loudly to bring her back to the present.
"And in the midst of all this feeling something did you once stop to think what Spike thought all this meant?"
"You're defending Spike? I can't believe this. You can't stand him and you're defending him. You're a peach, Giles."
"I am not defending him." At Buffy's 'yeah right' look he back peddled.
"Well, not in the strictest sense. As a man, I identify with his plight. If the woman I loved suddenly returned my advances I would think she had strong feelings for me as well, or at the very least liked me a little. Did he never question it?"
"Of course he questioned it! He's second only to you with the questions! I just ran away before I actually had to answer him. Because for the life of me Giles, I had no answers. I don't know what I expected of him. I guess I just thought he'd always be there when I needed to use him and he'd just take what I could give him. And the sad thing is, if I hadn't broken up with him, I think he would have."
Giles hung his head at the pity he felt for the vampire. He could barely comprehend his Slayer treating anyone like that, even a demon. Kill the poor bastard, but don't use him and throw him away like an unwanted toy.
"Maybe it's for the best Riley came back married. At least it made Spike realize I'm incapable of loving anybody. It forced him to get his life back. He's doing fine, Giles. He' s doing great actually. If I had stayed with him..I don't know what he would have done. I don't know what we would have done to each other. We couldn't go on like we were."
"Riley's married?" Buffy threw up her hands. Out of everything she'd just said that was what he wanted to know about. Giles waved his arms about as if trying to erase his last question.
"Buffy, I know you've been through a great deal and no one can understand or even imagine what it must be like for you, but that is no excuse to behave as you have to Spike." Buffy stood and stomped towards him till she was in his face.
"Oh, no. Uh-uh. You don't get to walk in here and lecture me Giles. You left. You didn't want to be here anymore with me and my issues. You wanted me making my own decisions. Well I made some. And they sucked, but you don't get to come here and judge me about it. You gave up that right the minute you sat your ass on that plane to England."
"I don't care what you think about me anymore. I don't give a damn. You didn't even think enough of me to stay when I begged. I knew I'd screw it up and I did. I've had you telling me what to do for six years and then you just decide that you don't want to anymore. I didn't even get a say. I never get a say. My whole life, other people have been deciding what I'm gonna do and then you wonder why I can't make decisions for myself? I've had somebody doing it for me since I was fifteen, that's why!" By the time she finished her tirade she was yelling.
Then she burst into tears and wrapped her arms around his middle. He stood there for several seconds not returning her embrace. He was a little confused. Eventually, he put his arms around her and held her tightly to him. This was the least he could do for her.
TBC
Summary: Spike finds something to live for when he thinks there is nothing left. S/D friendship. Takes place after "As You Were" and is AU after that.
Rating: PG-13
Disclaimer: Joss could sue me but all he'd get is my Season 1,2 and 3 of Buffy on DVD and Season 5, 6 and 7 on tape! And he owns all of that!
Author's Note: No new Buffy this week makes me sad. I'm a sad, sad person. But I'll write a new chapter anyway.
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Giles watched as Dawn inhaled the large breakfast she'd ordered at the small café he had taken her to. He'd only ordered a cup of coffee. He hoped he had enough cash on him to pay for all that. When she was finally done, she sat back and gave him a big smile.
"Thanks, Giles, that was great. Not as good as Spike makes but still." She shrugged.
"How is that going?" He noticed her immediate change in demeanor. She picked up her fork and started playing around with the yoke left on her plate by the eggs.
"It's great. He takes care of me and we do fun stuff together." She actually blushed when she said it. God, he was going to know something was up if she didn't get her act together. Giles cleared his throat.
"What kind of fun stuff?" She looked up quickly and saw the disapproval creeping into his eyes.
"Nothing bad so you can stop the lecture you're forming in your head right now. He takes me to movies and out to eat and last night he took me to the beach. But most of the time we just hang out at his place and watch TV or talk. Spike's a great listener and he tells the best stories."
"I'm sure he does." Giles muttered mostly to himself. Dawn put the fork down and leaned closer, folding her arms on the table in front of her.
"He saved me Giles. Not just from...well I'm sure he told you about it, but he saved me from more than that. I was honestly beginning to think that nobody here cared about me. Half the time, no one even noticed I was gone. Worse, they barely noticed I was there. Except for Tara. But after she and Willow broke up she wasn't in the house to look out for me anymore. And I know I'm old enough to take care of myself with the basics but my God, Giles, everybody wants attention and at least a little affection from the people who are supposed to love them."
"I wasn't asking for Buffy to take Mom's place but she wasn't even concerned. She would pull out the 'what I say goes' card once in a while if I got in trouble but that's about it. She can't just ignore me 99% of the time and then yell at me the other 1% and expect me to do what she says and not have something to say about it. I'm not trying to make her life difficult. That's why I left. It makes things easier for her and Spike actually likes taking care of me. He cares about me and does the whole gig, not just the yelling." She had crossed her arms in front of her now and without her knowledge had adopted a defensive position.
Giles sighed heavily. How could life become this difficult? How could this girl, who as of a year and half ago didn't even exist, be expected to deal with all of this? It was too much to put on such small shoulders.
Secretly, he was grateful to Spike. If not for him, Dawn may have hurt herself, or worse. He shuddered to even think about it. He didn't know if he could ever bring himself to thank the vampire aloud and when all of this was said and done he hoped Spike wasn't the one left heart broken.
After their breakfast, Giles took Dawn back to the apartment. It was quiet when they entered and Dawn shushed him, indicating that Spike was still sleeping on the couch. She showed him her newly redone room and he found himself once again surprised at Spike's depth of feeling and sensitivity towards this girl.
There appeared to be no reason for it. In all actuality he should hate Dawn. She was the sister of his mortal enemy. Of course, Spike had never been normal and he had fallen in love with said enemy against the rules of both good and evil.
But his love for Buffy could be construed by some as obsession while his love for Dawn could only be seen as the real thing. He loved her against all logic. Even knowing he had no chance with the Slayer, he had befriended this girl. Oh, well. Trying to muddle through Spike's motives would be like wading through mud so Giles let it go.
He walked back into the den to see Dawn cover Spike with a blanket and tuck it snugly around him. Her hand lingered at his face and he watched as she brushed a stray curl away his forehead as he slept. Oh, dear. Her face said it all. She was in love with Spike.
"Oh, dear lord, not again." He whispered to himself. This could only end with somebody getting emotionally scarred for life. Dawn heard him enter the room and she quickly pulled her hand away.
"Hey, Giles." She said to brightly.
"Dawn, we need to talk. There's a garden just outside. Let's go." He moved to the door and Dawn followed with a wounded puppy dog look on her face. He was a little confused at her hesitance when they reached the gate to go in. She finally moved and walked quickly to the chair near the fountain and sat with her hands folded demurely in her lap. She was the picture of innocence and that's what bothered him the most.
"Dawn.." He didn't even know where to start.
"I know what you're gonna say, Giles and I already get it, okay? It's just a crush. I'm fifteen for God's sake. I know better than to believe I could ever have a serious relationship with a century old vampire." He would have almost believed her except for the tears that were welling up in her blue eyes. But she didn't stop there.
"He's in love with Buffy. I'm just a kid to him. He would never act on any feelings he might hypothetically have for me." That brought him up short.
"Act? Dawn, what did he do?" She nearly panicked.
"Nothing! He would never..I can't even believe you would suggest...I mean, he would never!"
"Yes, you said that already. What did he do, Dawn?" He used his stern Watcher voice that usually worked on Buffy but he saw Dawn's chin go up and realized Dawn was nothing like her sister.
"He didn't do anything. This is all one sided. Spike loves Buffy." Giles slumped against the fountain and removed his glasses, rubbing the bridge of his nose with two fingers. He didn't know if she was trying to convince him or herself. He was so out of his depth here. He'd never been able to help Buffy with her relationship with Angel because he hadn't understood it. Now was no different. What he did know was that this could not end well. Dawn was in love with Spike who was in love with Buffy. He could only feel pity for her. And the saddest part was, it wasn't just a crush. He wasn't too old or out of the loop to see that.
He walked and knelt in front of her taking her hands in his.
"Dawn, I don't care how old you are, getting involved with Spike would never be a good life choice. He's a demon and without the chip.."
"Ahhh! Stop it! God, I'm sick to death of everyone trying to remind me what he is. I live with him for crying out loud! I know what he is! And the thing is, none of you know him at all!" She yelled jumping up and nearly knocking him over.
"Spike is a vampire. Great! Big news flash! I know that. But what all of you don't realize is that he's so much more than that. He loves poetry and cries at 'Steel Magnolias' and he likes Lucky Charms and he keeps a journal and most of all, something he would never admit, is that he regrets, Giles. He regrets. Vampires aren't supposed to feel remorse for their actions, but he does. So you can take all your musty old Watcher journals and shove 'em because I know him." Her face was red and she was breathing rapidly from anger. She was also towering over him and he realized he had backed up and was know sitting on his butt with his back to the cold cement of the fountain.
He had actually felt fear for a moment there. In reality, they knew what Dawn was but not what she was capable of. He had never seen her so furious.
"Okay, okay, Dawn. Calm down. I didn't mean to upset you. Perhaps you're right about him. There is always the possibility that the Council is wrong. We have seen that in the past. And there is always an exception to every rule; even vampires." Her breathing slowed and she sat down hard in the chair behind her.
Giles stood slowly brushing dirt and dried leaves from his pants. He straightened his clothes and adjusted his crooked glasses. This talk was supposed to have been helpful but instead it had opened his eyes. Spike caused extreme emotion in the people's lives he touched. Whether it was hate or love, those he knew felt an immense amount of it for him.
"My point is not even that he is a vampire, Dawn, my point is that he is a hundred odd years older than you and vastly more experienced in..well, everything. I'm only trying to keep you from getting hurt. I was unable to help Buffy when she was going through a similar situation and look how that turned out. So, I am trying to prevent this one from the beginning. Be his friend. I will not warn you away from that, but let it stop there. For your sake, do not pursue any thoughts or fantasies of a relationship with Spike. It can only end in misery."
Above them, Spike shut the window and let the curtain fall back into place.
************************************
Giles did not try to influence Dawn any further. He feared he had struck out on the point and had to hope that she would figure things out on her own without too much pain in the process. His biggest fear was that the love she freely gave Spike would cause the vampire to eventually fall in love with her too. Why did life have to be so damn complicated?
Dawn should be going to slumber parties and giggling over boys with her school chums, not pining after a creature almost two hundred years old. Oh, for a perfect world where evil did not exist. Oh, right. Buffy had already been to that place and from all appearances was trying her hardest to get back there as quickly as possible.
He left Spike's flat and headed towards Buffy's house. He would wait there for her. **********************************
Buffy was exhausted. She'd been on her feet for over eight hours and had three people telling her how to do twenty new things. Her brain couldn't hold any more information. The bad thing was, they expected her to come in the next morning prepared to do all of the things they had supposedly taught her today.
She was walking to her front door with her head down searching her purse for the keys when she saw feet come into view. She looked up slowly and her mouth fell open.
"Giles?" He smiled hopefully opening his arms for her to rush into them but that's not what happened. She just stood there starring at him in disbelief.
He dropped his arms and slid his hands into his pockets. He had been imagining his home coming many times and in most of the scenarios this is how it went. Buffy not speaking to him and simply walking past him as if she didn't even know him. She didn't do that now.
"What are doing here? Is the world ending again?" He couldn't help but smile a little at that.
"No, no. I'm not here to foretell the end of the world yet again. I just came to visit and see how you were doing." Okay, from the look of death she was giving him he figured he had phrased that wrong.
"See how I'm doing? You're kidding right? You flew halfway around the world to get away from me and my problems that I kept burdening you with and now you tell me you just dropped by to see how I'm doing? Don't take this the wrong way Giles, but go to hell." She did walk past him at that point and in her anger could barely fit the key in the lock. She finally got the door open and didn't slam it in his face as he thought she would. She might hate him but that was a sure sign she wanted someone to talk to even if it was him.
He followed her in and closed the door. The house had changed a little since he'd been gone. There was some furniture missing and magical knick- knacks of Willow's were conspicuously absent. He waited in the den while Buffy decided when she wanted to let him off the hook and acknowledge his presence. They both knew it was childish but he let her have this ability to try and make him feel uncomfortable.
She finally came in wearing a t-shirt and cutoff shorts and curled up in the armchair opposite the couch.
"How was your flight?" He was a little surprised she cared but he would play along and see how far she would let him pry.
"Very long and very boring." She simply nodded as if she could think of nothing else to say or ask. He decided to go with the ignorant approach and pretend he hadn't already seen Dawn and talked to Spike.
"Where is Dawn?" Buffy looked around the room and feigned looking around the corner towards the kitchen.
"Not here obviously." He could already tell this was going to be difficult. She was trying to make him lose his patience and he was closer to doing it than he wanted to admit.
"Do you know where she is?"
"Got a pretty good idea." She began to closely examine her fingernails. Definitely time for a manicure. She finally let out an exasperated breath.
"Giles cut the crap, okay. You know she lives with Spike now. I know you've probably talked to all of them about me behind my back to see if I'm falling apart without you here. Well, congratulations, I'm a total basket case. I can't take care of my sister, I can't help my best friend with her magic addiction or the break up with her girlfriend, I can't be Xander's hero anymore, and I had sex with Spike to make myself feel 'better' so my life is pretty much shit." Now it was Giles sitting there like a fish with his mouth hanging open.
"You did what?" he whispered with disbelief.
"Which part, Giles? Oh, that's right. The only part that concerns the Watcher is the fact that I gave it up to another vampire." All that was going through Giles' mind was that Dawn would be crushed. Did she even know?
"What on earth possessed you to do such a thing?"
"Giles let me tell you a little secret." She leaned towards him as if to take him into some sort of confidence.
"Most of the time, I feel completely numb. But those are on the good days. On the bad days, I feel nothing at all. I feel completely empty inside and just for a little while, Spike made me feel something besides dead. And then I took it and twisted it and beat the hell out of him and then in probably the bitchiest moment of my life, I broke up with him. So don't go all warrior protector on me and swear to stake him for me. If you want to protect somebody, maybe you better start protecting them from me."
What frightened him was that she was spilling this to him with dry eyes. Not one tear was being shed over what she had just revealed to him. She meant it as fact. He realized in that moment that he never should have left her alone. She had been too fragile and so confused. He had abandoned her when she needed him the most and this was the result of it. He had failed her as a friend and as a Watcher. He swore to make it right. If anything could be salvaged, he would work till he was dead to do so.
"Do you love him?" Her eyes went wide in surprise.
"I just told you how I treated him and you want to know if I love him? Would you treat someone like that if you loved them?" It was if she were asking him to tell her the answer. "He was there and he listened. He offered me friendship and expected nothing more. Every time something happened between us, I initiated it."
"When did it start?"
"Xander's dancing demon." Giles rolled his eyes.
"Oh, good lord." He stood and started pacing the length of the living room from the front door to the fireplace and back again.
"That's the first time I kissed him. Progressed pretty quickly from that point. I figured I'd gone that far, may as well have the whole package." Giles gave her an annoyed look.
"No pun intended." She ducked her head and blushed.
"And what were your intentions when you started this torrid little affair?"
"God, Giles, you sound like a romance novel. I had no intentions. My thoughts were pretty much 'wow, I feel something'. Lots of wow." Her eyes glazed over as is she was reliving those moments and Giles cleared his throat loudly to bring her back to the present.
"And in the midst of all this feeling something did you once stop to think what Spike thought all this meant?"
"You're defending Spike? I can't believe this. You can't stand him and you're defending him. You're a peach, Giles."
"I am not defending him." At Buffy's 'yeah right' look he back peddled.
"Well, not in the strictest sense. As a man, I identify with his plight. If the woman I loved suddenly returned my advances I would think she had strong feelings for me as well, or at the very least liked me a little. Did he never question it?"
"Of course he questioned it! He's second only to you with the questions! I just ran away before I actually had to answer him. Because for the life of me Giles, I had no answers. I don't know what I expected of him. I guess I just thought he'd always be there when I needed to use him and he'd just take what I could give him. And the sad thing is, if I hadn't broken up with him, I think he would have."
Giles hung his head at the pity he felt for the vampire. He could barely comprehend his Slayer treating anyone like that, even a demon. Kill the poor bastard, but don't use him and throw him away like an unwanted toy.
"Maybe it's for the best Riley came back married. At least it made Spike realize I'm incapable of loving anybody. It forced him to get his life back. He's doing fine, Giles. He' s doing great actually. If I had stayed with him..I don't know what he would have done. I don't know what we would have done to each other. We couldn't go on like we were."
"Riley's married?" Buffy threw up her hands. Out of everything she'd just said that was what he wanted to know about. Giles waved his arms about as if trying to erase his last question.
"Buffy, I know you've been through a great deal and no one can understand or even imagine what it must be like for you, but that is no excuse to behave as you have to Spike." Buffy stood and stomped towards him till she was in his face.
"Oh, no. Uh-uh. You don't get to walk in here and lecture me Giles. You left. You didn't want to be here anymore with me and my issues. You wanted me making my own decisions. Well I made some. And they sucked, but you don't get to come here and judge me about it. You gave up that right the minute you sat your ass on that plane to England."
"I don't care what you think about me anymore. I don't give a damn. You didn't even think enough of me to stay when I begged. I knew I'd screw it up and I did. I've had you telling me what to do for six years and then you just decide that you don't want to anymore. I didn't even get a say. I never get a say. My whole life, other people have been deciding what I'm gonna do and then you wonder why I can't make decisions for myself? I've had somebody doing it for me since I was fifteen, that's why!" By the time she finished her tirade she was yelling.
Then she burst into tears and wrapped her arms around his middle. He stood there for several seconds not returning her embrace. He was a little confused. Eventually, he put his arms around her and held her tightly to him. This was the least he could do for her.
TBC