The next day, the class waited for Ms. Frizzle for – seriously, who the fuck is keeping track of how long it takes for her to arrive anymore? When she FINALLY showed up, Ms. Frizzle was wrapped in Christmas lights.
"Today, class, we will be learning about Christmas," she said.
"Finally," said Dorothy Ann, "it's about time we put Christmas back in the schools."
"For this lesson, we will be acting out the story of Christmas," Ms. Frizzle continued.
"YOU SACRILEGIOUS BITCH!" shouted Dorothy Ann, "IT'S NOT A STORY! IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED!"
"It started millions and millions of years ago," continued Ms. Frizzle, "with a young virgin named Mary, who will be played by Phoebe."
"Phoebe isn't a virgin," said Dorothy Ann, "she was raped because she was a fucking harlot and was asking for it."
Ignoring her, Ms. Frizzle continued, "I will pretend to be God."
"God should never be played by a female," said Dorothy Ann, "I can't believe I'm being taught by such an unholy cunt."
Ms. Frizzle went up to Phoebe and said, "Hi, Mary. I'm God."
"I AM THE TABLE!" answered Phoebe.
"I have come to you because I have chosen you to carry my child," said Ms. Frizzle. With that, she strapped on a giant dildo and began to thrust it into Phoebe's vagina. "Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Take it away, Mary. That virginal vagina feels so good around my godly penis."
"DUCKTALES! WOO-OO!" screamed Phoebe.
Seventy-two hours later, Ms. Frizzle pulled out of Phoebe and said, "You will give birth to a baby boy and you will call him Jesus." Ms. Frizzle grabbed Liz and shoved her all the way up Phoebe's vagina. Because Phoebe no longer had a womb, Ms. Frizzle had to glue her vagina shut so Liz would stay. Unstrapping the dildo, Ms. Frizzle continued, "Then, Mary and her husband Joseph had to travel to Bethlehem because they had to pay a special tax." She grabbed Carlos and told him, "Carlos, you will be Joseph."
"Does Joseph get to be fucked by that dildo, too?" asked Carlos.
"No," said Ms. Frizzle, handing him a staff.
"Oh, goody," said Carlos, "even better!" He took off all of his clothes, stuck the staff up his ass, and began fucking himself with it.
"That is quite enough, Carlos," said Ms. Frizzle, pulling the staff out of his ass.
"Come on, Ms. Frizzle," said Carlos, "don't be a stick in the mud. Get it?"
"CARLOS!" groaned the whole class.
"That's what happens when you cast a sodomite in this part," sneered Dorothy Ann.
Ms. Frizzle continued, "Because Mary was pregnant, she couldn't walk to Bethlehem, so she had to ride a donkey." She walked up to Ralphie and told him, "Ralphie, you will be the donkey." She made Ralphie get on all fours and put Phoebe on top of him.
"That's not fair," said Carlos, "I wanted to ride Ralphie's ass. Get it?"
"CARLOS!" groaned the whole class again.
Ms. Frizzle continued, "Mary was ready to have her baby, and they needed somewhere to stay, but there was no room for them at the inn..."
"LOOK AT THIS PHOTOGRAPH! EVERY TIME I DO IT MAKES ME LAUGH!" Phoebe blurted out.
"...so they had to stay in a stable." Ms. Frizzle led Carlos, Ralphie, and Phoebe to the front of the classroom. She ordered Phoebe to get down from Ralphie's back.
Instead of getting down, Phoebe screamed, "WHILE YOU WERE STILL LEARNING HOW TO SPELL YOUR NAME, I WAS BEING TRAINED TO CONQUER GALAXIES."
"I want Ralphie to conquer my ass," said Carlos.
"Is it just me, or is Carlos a slut?" Ralphie wondered aloud.
Ms. Frizzle shot Ralphie a death glare, kicked Phoebe off of him, and said to her, "It's time for you to have your baby, Mary." She took out a butcher knife, spread Phoebe's legs open, and cut her glued-up vagina open.
Liz slid out in a sea of blood and Phoebe died, but not before screaming, "I AM THE LIZARD QUEEN!"
Not seeming to notice that Phoebe was dead, Ms. Frizzle picked Liz up and exclaimed, "It's a Christmas miracle!" and paraded around the room singing "Joy to the World."
"YOU UNHOLY WHORE," shouted Dorothy Ann, "HOW DARE YOU REWRITE HISTORY LIKE THAT!"
Ignoring her once again, Ms. Frizzle concluded, "Anyway, class, that is the story of Christmas."