Aaaand here we are again. I promised this one would be up sooner, I KNOW, but I actually have a viable explanation this time. See, I'm now at boarding school, and the school server won't let me access . Which is unbelievably annoying, but once in a while, I stay over at a friend's house and just use their computer to publish prewritten stuff. I'm sorry to have made you wait for so long. I assure you, it was a drag for me as well!

I hope Sam's explanation of her condition is not too confuzzling - I tried to make it logical. In fact, the fire in chapter 8 was actually written as a scene in which some of her delusion shows, but then it got too extreme, so I rewrote it. Oh well. Now I'll just have to give it to you in one chunk.

Disclaimer:

Would you believe it?! I almost forgot the disclaimer! How could I forget that TS isn't mine? I guess it was wishful thinking. Hmph.

It's not like it's a big secret or anything. Of course, I don't really love talking about it. Duh. But Jerry knows it, and so do my friends. Even Avery, actually, although she's not really familiar with any of the details. It's why she's so condescending all of the time. It's how most people act when they know about me, but don't actually KNOW me. They talk the way they would talk to a child. Because they think I can't understand them, or reciprocate their adult emotions or whatnot. They think my condition makes me stupid. Which is actually not a very intelligent assumption. Insanity is supposed to be so close to genius, right? Not that I'm a genius, or anything. I'm just me. And I'm actually less sure of what that means than ever.

When I was 7, my parents noticed that I was different. Not bad different, just different. We went to see a doctor, and they told us that I was at the intellectual level of someone twice my age. Imagine being 7 and thinking like a 14-year-old! Of course, I know better than anyone that it wasn't like that at all. The thing is, my brain was at the level of a 14-year-olds, but I had only been taught, up to then, what a 7-year-old was taught. Which the doctors say was a big mistake. A big, big, big mistake. Because apparently, that was how I developed the condition.

Of course, I was predisposed, and all that, but still. My brain looked for another outlet. Which ended up being my imagination. And I know, know. A vivid imagination is a good thing, bla bla bla. Well, turns out it isn't all that great paired with a history of crazy cases in the family. So there I was, at 7, seeing things. Seeing things that other's couldn't, didn't, wouldn't. And I don't mean ghosts, or anything.

I guess you could say I was a 7-year-old with conspiracy theories. And then that developed into mild depression, which soon became heavy depression, and I'm not even sure when I started locking myself in my room and refusing to talk to anyone. But I do know that at the age of 10, I tried to kill myself.

I didn't succeed. Obviously. What I did succeed in was making everyone even more worried. So I was sent to a mental institution for a while. It wasn't all that bad, really. When you feel as misunderstood as I did at the time, it's sort of a relief to be around people who have been marked as crazy also. Of course, most of them actually WERE crazy. But still.

The time I spent there made me tough. And smart, if I do say so myself. The other inmates taught me that it was much easier to just act average than to try to convice people that your condition is not a problem. I'm not that bad of an actress, as it turns out. Then again, who knows, part of my "normal" act may have been real. I did leave feeling a little revitalised... at the age of 14.

My parents didn't want me to have to deal with the pressure of being "that girl who tried to kill herself" - so we moved. Easy. It was the summer before my freshman year. L.A. in the summer, let me tell you, is the place to be. Lounging on deckchairs by the pool, going to beach parties... I almost did feel "normal". Of course, there was always that nagging voice in my head, telling me that something wasn't right, telling me to trust nobody. But you get used to it, just as you can get used to almost anything.

Then, of course, school started. And let me tell you, it was a GOOD start! I felt much more challenged there, due to several advanced courses that they allowed me to take. And then, of course, there were Clover and Alex. I, who had always been the friendless loner, mostly due to my brains and my depression, now had someone to sit with at lunch, to go to the mall with. It may not sound like much to you, but for me, it was an entirely new experience. And I LOVED it. And let's not forget WOOHP, shall we? Finally, someone was listening to my conspiracy theories, instead of treating them like a child's overactive imagination. Of course, Jerry knew about my past, but he was supportive instead of dismissive. You would not believe how good it felt to be heard. I trusted him wholeheartedly. I might even have loved him. Do you see now why it hurts so terribly to think of him as someone who would so completely betray me? He was so GOOD to me. And I finally had enough things to puzzle about to keep my mind occupied. To keep it from wondering.

It's been years since I've seen things that weren't there.

Why now? Am I not allowed
to be happy?

I'm going to let you think about that before I pout up the next chapter. To teh people screaming "more": I hear you, my darlings. I'm being a busy bee and working as hard as I can. That's REALLY why I published this as a short chapter instead of writing for a few more days; I wanted to give you SOMETHING. I hope you enjoyed it, or maybe not enjoyed... liked? I hope it was good. There.

Love,
Type