CHAPTER 11: Hermione and the Romance Novel

"Severus, it is highly improper for you to see me in this state of undress!" Hermione exclaimed, blushing furiously.

Severus Snape stared at his wife who had on a full-length gown, buttoned to her neck, with a thick wool shawl thrown carelessly over her shoulders. He stared in amazement as his wife clutched it around her as if she were naked and he a twisted voyeur.

"Er…. Hermione, love…. We've made sixteen children together…. I have seen you er…. naked before."

Hermione gasped. "Sir, I beg you! It is highly improper for you to speak of such things!"

Snape ogled his wife. "What the hell…"

"Sir! Kindly do not curse in front of me! I am a gently bred lady of the ton after all, not some scullery maid."

"Well… I was just curious… you propositioned me earlier, but I was giving detention… so I came to see if you wanted to… well, you know," Severus muttered, unusually embarrassed in front of his wife. She was acting so peculiar.

"I assure you, sir, I do not."

"You know… get our jiggy on."

"Pardon?'

"Make love!" Snape positively roared.

For a moment Hermione looked like she was going to swoon. "Sir! I cannot positively think of such things… I am … on my courses."

"Your what?" Snape bellowed in frustration.

"My womanly courses!"

"You mean your period?" Snape whispered, forcing the word out behind his reluctant lips.

"My…period?" Hermione said, as if trying the word out for the first time. "Sir, if you should wish to resume relations at the end of the week, please leave your card. Until then, I am clearly indisposed."

Snape stared at his wife in shock, but when she turned her back it was clear she was not going to continue the conversation. "Dumbledore," he gasped, rushing from the room. If anyone could help it would be Dumbledore.

"What's Snape's problem?" Harry muttered to Ginny as Snape went tearing past them.

Ginny clearly was not listening, but was paying a great deal of attention to the hem of her skirt.

"Ginny?"

"Huh? Yes, I like bananas."

"…you weren't listening to me, were you?" Harry said.

"I'm sorry, Harry… it's just… I've been thinking. I'm greatly concerned."

"About what?"

"Well… have you noticed our author hasn't written anything really good lately? Some of her reviewers think," Ginny dropped her voice to a hushed whisper, "they think that she is out of good ideas!" The last was said in a bit of a rush, as if she were afraid she'd be thrown in the stocks if anyone overheard her.

"What!" Harry exclaimed. "How was trying to force feed Hermione carrots not funny!"

"Um…. It really wasn't," Ginny replied. "In fact, she took that chapter out in this edited version."

"Well, I laughed!" Harry proclaimed vehemently.

"McGonagall screaming from the building at the mention of the Dixie Chicks was slightly amusing," Ginny amended, hoping to appease her very-angry boyfriend.

"That's wasn't amusing!" Harry all but yelled. "I would have run from the building at the mention of their name, too, if I hadn't been so busy trying to act emo."

"Harry," Ginny whispered calmly. "You need to face it… this fic is coming to an end."

"No!" Harry screamed. "Don't repeat such nonsense! Damn! This is worse than when I lost my teddy bear…"

"…or losing your parents?" Ginny injected curiously.

Harry waved his hand. "Oh yeah, that too."

Snape stormed into Dumbledore's office, nearly knocking over McGonagall who was on her way out.

"Severus!" She gasped, clutching the door for balance. "Really!"

"Not now, Minerva!" He turned to Dumbledore. "You must help me! My wife has become completely deranged. She keeps acting as if she's half-naked when she's dressed for winter, and she won't let me touch her because she's on her courses and –"

"Her what?" Dumbledore asked, confused as hell.

"Her period," McGonagall interrupted.

Snape turned to her. "How did you know what it was?"

McGonagall looked very concerned and patted her neck nervously. "Because women in romance novels are on their courses, not periods… And Hermione has been reading a great deal of those lately… And… oh, dear."

"What?" Snape asked, almost in a whisper.

"Oh dear. Severus… Severus, I believe your wife is stuck in one of her romance novels."

Snape looked positively sickened.