PART ELEVEN

"So, Ianto. This is your chance to say all the things you ever wanted to say, but didn't have the guts, will or whatever it was. You can tell me what you like, talk about anything. The CCTV is off and no one will disturb us for the next hour unless the alarms go off."

"........ Right.............. I don't know what to say."

"You keep looking at your hands, or your feet, you hardly ever look up, why is that?"

"........"

"Come on Ianto, it's not that hard. What's your favourite food?"

"Number 54."

"What?"

"Number 54, it's on the menu for the Chinese takeaway. I seem to eat that the most, so it must be my favourite."

"Right, ok. Do you always pick the same thing?"

"Yes, it's too complicated and too slow otherwise. I know exactly what I'm getting, though that's not strictly true because I don't know what the ingredients are."

"I see, not into variety then?"

"........"

"What about pudding?"

"Chocolate, dark delight from a little place in Germany, I add it to my coffee."

"So why is the coffee important?"

"Why are anaesthetics important?"

"Yeah, I get your point. So what's with suits?"

"I like to be tidy, is that relevant?"

"Could be, you are seriously OCD, so why the suits, really?"

"......."

"Don't chew your nails."

"Is there something wrong with being tidy?"

"No mate but those suits are expensive and you must have ruined loads of them in this job."

"I have, but I look....."

"Tidy, yeah I got that. It seems to me like you wear it like a uniform, like Jack with his period military."

"It was expected at Canary Wharf. Yvonne was quite particular. I have my suits made by Ronaldo, my Tad trained him. Before he lost his business he was a tailor. I suppose it reminds me of him."

"You miss your dad then?"

"Yes."

"What happened to him?"

"He died."

"Yes, Ianto I got that, but how?"

"His heart, he was heart broken, he lost his shop and had to work in a department store and he hated it. I try to remember him when he was happy, when I was younger, before that time when he was broken."

"Look mate, I know this is hard, going over all this stuff. You haven't talked to anyone have you?"

"Not really. I've told Jack a few things but he doesn't need me........"

"What makes you say that?"

"......."

"Come on Ianto."

"He has everything. He's strong, intelligent, self assured, good looking. I don't know why he kept me on, after Lisa. I was expecting to be dead or at the very least Retconned."

"Is that what you want?"

"Sometimes, I just want to rest. I can't though. This job makes you realise your place in the universe. I'm irrelevant, we all are, except Jack."

"Are you envious of that?"

"No. I would not wish Jack's curse on my worst enemy. Everything will die for him, everyone he ever meets, loves..... I can't imagine how much that must hurt. I know how much it hurts me and this is only one lifetime. How does someone live like that and not go mad?"

"So, back to you, tell me about the rest of your family."

"My Mam, she and I do not speak, haven't done since Tad died. I have a sister, Rhiannon. We've grown apart, her husband is a bit of a loser, though his heart is good and they have a son and a daughter. I don't see them much, I don't want them to be contaminated by Torchwood, because that's what it does. It infects your life like a disease, like cancer. I love this job, but it's not for families."

"Gwen and Rhys seem to be doing ok."

"Huh."

"Do I detect a hint of resentment there?"

"She's...... she lies and she cheats and Rhys deserves better. I don't blame her, its Torchwood, it's Jack..... symptoms of the disease. Gwen would have been better off staying in the police force."

"So, what you're jealous?"

"No..... yes...... not like you think, not because of Jack, no....... It's me. I could have had that life with Lisa, I was looking forward to it, she and I were good together and I miss her so much some days. I know I'll never have that again........."

"But you and Jack?"

"It's sex Owen, comfort, frustration, boredom and laziness. It's easy, there's no need to look further for gratification. What do you call it? Fuck buddies? Though we're not even that these days. I want more and he can't give me more and I don't blame him. Any relationship with him is always going to end badly. Why am I even telling you this?"

"It's called counselling Ianto. I told you, this is in confidence. You can say whatever you like!"

"When I disappeared for that month..... A whole year really did pass by. Jack and I both lived through it. A paradox. I remember it and I got a lot of people killed including you and Tosh. I saw the world almost come to an end. I've escaped death so many times, I feel like God is keeping me alive to torment me. A punishment."

"God, you believe in God?"

"You sound surprised."

"I am."

"My parents were Methodists, but I chose Catholicism. Mam was furious with me, but Tad said it didn't matter, so long as I didn't lose my faith. I thought I'd stopped believing after ..... after Canary Wharf.... but I just hated God instead and tried to deny my faith, I mean being angry isn't the same as not believing, is it."

"You had every right to be angry Ianto, there's no harm in that. I was angry when Katie died. I suppose I was lucky being able to direct that at Jack. He was something tangible that I could punch."

"I wasn't angry because I lost every one. I was angry because I survived, because I could remember, because of the night mares and because I knew deep down Lisa was gone. I just refused to accept what I knew and there was no way I could put her down myself. Everything I touch gets broken or dies."

"You really believe that?"

"......."

"Ianto?"

"........"

"Come on mate, that isn't true. It's stupid to think that. Me and Tosh are still here. Your sister and her family are here. Look at it this way. You work for a cool organisation, catching aliens, you make the best damn coffee on the planet, you're the best dressed alien catcher on the planet and you have a pet dinosaur..... I mean Harry fucking Potter or what?!! Do you have any idea how uncool James Bond is by comparison?"

"Not Sean Connery."

"Ok, I'll give you that. But Daniel Craig.... eat your heart out... Jones, Ianto Jones special agent."

"That makes Tosh 'Q' and Jack... well Miss Moneypenny for sure and You would have to be 'M' and Gwen would be the token girl in the swimsuit."

"Yeah...... walking up the beach out of the surf, low slung bikini........"

"Owen, just whose fantasy is this?"

"!"

"Tosh'd look pretty hot in the bikini too, with a utility belt and holsters."

"Tomb Raider...... Cor blimey Ianto."

"Yeah......"

"Uhhh hum. Right ok..... calm down. I think we'll halt things there, for now, same time tomorrow?"

"Ok.... yes..... Will it help?"

"Give yourself time Ianto. You've had a lot of things to process and the truth we should have done this a long time ago. I should have done this...... I'm sorry I let you down."

"Don't apologise Owen. I never wanted to be helped, I still don't and I know that's my problem really. Thank you."

"No problem mate."