(Author's note: From here on out it's likely to be rated M and up for sexual activity, but I'll try to warn for it when it's coming up. Consider yourself warned. -amy)
Summer 2010 continued
Kurt found himself dressing more intentionally the next day, paying attention to the way people were looking at him. He'd always wondered if he would feel different on the inside after being intimate with another boy, or if anybody else would be able to tell from the outside. But the first person he saw that morning was Finn, and all Kurt could do was blush at him across the breakfast table and try to focus on his cereal.
"Any thoughts about what to have for Friday night dinner?" his dad called from the kitchen.
Kurt managed to suggest something lower fat than burgers, but he drove to rehearsal that morning wondering how he was going to make it through the day if this was the level of attention he could muster. He texted Noah as soon as he got there.
This is kind of ridiculous, but I'm having trouble thinking about anything besides what we did yesterday, he typed.
Dude. your sixteen. I think your allowed to have sex on the brain. besides, im hot.
Kurt grinned, shaking his head. I'll concede that point.
Kurt's rehearsals were beginning to shift from working on individual scenes to tying all of the parts together, which meant the whole cast was spending more time together, but it also meant there were more times when they were sitting around doing nothing. Quinn's character didn't have much to do beyond Act One, so Wright had also given her the part of the Giantess, who was simply a voice heard offstage. Kurt sat down next to her in the wings while she waited for her cue.
Quinn barely looked at him other than to give him a cordial nod, but a minute later she commented, "Nice shirt."
"Oh - thanks." He smoothed one of the sleeves. "I suppose summer fashion is largely wasted, seeing as how we're backstage or in costume all month."
"Not entirely wasted." She shrugged, smiling faintly. "Most of the boys around here don't get any further than the discount rack at Sears. So who're you dressing up for?"
"Nobody," Kurt said.
Quinn glanced pointedly at his phone. "What about your boy in New York?"
"Trust me, he's never cared about fashion."
"Who doesn't care about fashion?" said Sam, approaching from behind Quinn. He was wearing a t-shirt and shorts, twirling a floppy hat he was using as a prop in his upcoming scene.
"Kurt's boyfriend at theater camp," Quinn said.
"He's not my boyfriend," Kurt said automatically, but he found himself blushing. "It's complicated. He's... well, he's definitely not the kind of boy I would shop with."
"Then you shop for him," said Quinn. She turned to the stage, holding a megaphone to her mouth and speaking her Giantess lines in an angry, booming voice. Then she turned back to face Kurt and added, in her usual mild voice, "Just nothing too complicated or fancy. Henleys, polos, classy jeans."
"I'd totally wear anything my girlfriend bought me," Sam agreed. "Even if I thought it was dorky, I'd wear it for her. Especially if she wore it first."
Kurt exchanged a glance with Quinn. "You'd want your girlfriend to wear your shirt?"
"Totally," Sam nodded. "That way it'd smell like her, and I could keep her with me all day."
Quinn watched Sam stride out on stage to meet Michael for the princes' duet. "That's actually a really sweet idea," she murmured. "Even if it is a little hinky, wanting to smell your girlfriend."
"Scent is one of the most powerful carriers of memory," Kurt said. He wasn't sure why he wanted to defend Sam's suggestion. "And we're mammals, after all. We're programmed to be emotionally affected by smells."
They watched Sam as Rapunzel's prince sing his funny duet with Michael, playing Cinderella's prince. "He has a great voice," said Quinn, pointing at Sam. "It's too bad Michael's in jazz band and can't do Glee, but maybe Sam...?"
"Maybe," Kurt agreed. He'd been thinking the same thing. "You should mention it to him."
She shrugged, gazing down at the floor. Kurt looked more closely at her, at the dark circles under her eyes, the tense set to her jaw. He didn't feel like he knew Quinn well enough to ask her what was going on, but he sent a text to Noah over lunch.
I think Quinn could use some support. She looks exhausted.
Yeah? ill see what i can do. she doesnt always want to listen to me.
He hesitated, then added, If I bought you clothes, would you wear them?
Noah reply was slower to come this time. What, you mean to school?
Never mind. Just thinking about your birthday in a few weeks.
Hey, said Noah. You remembered.
I have a good memory, Kurt told him. He wasn't going to say he remembered everything Noah had ever told him, but it wasn't too far from the truth.
Family dinner that night was interminable. Kurt finally begged exhaustion following rehearsal and escaped early to the basement, where he went into the bathroom and locked the door behind him. Just one glance at the lotion on the countertop was enough to make him blush and get him halfway hard, but it wasn't embarrassing enough to keep him from texting Noah.
Thinking about you again, he said. And I expect I'll be alone for a little while, if you want to call.
He ran a bath while he shed his clothes. Running slick, soapy hands over his body while he waited for Noah to respond didn't do anything to keep him from getting more turned on, but he found himself holding back, remembering how much better it had felt when he knew Noah was listening.
But the longer he waited, the more uncertain and paranoid he became. Maybe he doesn't really want it. Maybe he thinks you're embarrassing and perverted. Maybe he's laughing at you right now with his friends.
And then the phone rang, and he scrambled to rinse and dry off his hands to turn on the speakerphone. "Hey," he said, as calmly as he could.
"What the fuck," Noah complained with good humor. "I'm in the middle of dinner, and I get this smoking hot text from a guy back home, saying he's alone and thinking about me. What, does he expect me to go on with my meal pretending I'm not sporting a huge boner for him?"
Kurt laughed in relief, leaning back in the bath. He propped his knees up, spreading his legs, and soaped up his hands again. "Be glad I waited until the end of the day."
"Oh, sure, babe; that's all I need. A booty call in the middle of rehearsal. It's already hard enough to keep my mind off you." Kurt could hear Noah's smile, and it made him flush with pleasure and anticipation.
"I promise I won't send you anything inappropriate in the middle of rehearsal," he said. "No matter how hot you are. I know how much you care about your work."
"Yeah." He heard a door close, and Noah's voice grew lower and more intimate, sending shivers through his body. "I care about it a lot."
Kurt closed his eyes, resting his soapy hands on his knees, stroking along the length of the insides of his thighs. "Are you - alone?"
"Sure am, babe. Just me and my huge boner."
The words shot straight to his cock, and he moaned, taking himself in his hand. He squeezed lightly, then gently rocked his hips forward, thrusting into his hand. The motion had an entirely new meaning now. "God... yeah. Me too."
"Remember that lotion you had yesterday? I've got some right here."
"Oh," Kurt whispered. He leaned in, tensing his stomach muscles and stroking more firmly. "Um - yeah?"
"I'm getting my hands all slick for you. You like that?"
"Yeah. It - it's like your hands are on me, right now."
He heard Noah take a breath, then let out a little groan. "Fuck. Yeah. I can't wait, babe. I've been thinking about that for months. Tell me what you're doing."
"I'm, um, in the bath? And... well, I've got soap on my hands, and I'm... sitting here." He dropped to a whisper. "Fucking my hand."
"Oh, fuck, Kurt," Noah moaned, and Kurt thrust into his slick hand with a whimper. "Hearing you say that... okay, yeah, so that's me, sitting behind you, holding your cock, and that's my hand you're fucking. Feel that?"
Kurt tried to keep the splashing to a minimum, but he couldn't help sliding his other soapy fingers down between his legs, and pushing his cock forward into his hand. "I feel it," he promised. "So good..."
"Yeah, I can hear it. I'm so fucking hard for you." He listened to Noah's breathing, and he never knew breathing could be so hot, but it was all he could hear now, each little hitch and tempo change, until he was hanging on the sounds, right on the edge.
"Noah, I'm..." He made one more thrust with his hips, letting his soapy finger slip inside, and gasped out, "God -"
"Yeah, babe, that's it, just like that..." Noah's words held him pinned as he came, and he struggled to keep his voice from cresting into a cry as Noah joined him. "I feel it. Wanna be there, fucking you, so tight-"
They actually managed to keep it reasonably quiet, but in the moment, Kurt felt like the whole house was going to hear Noah choking out his name and the word fuck, over and over again. He let his hands drop into the water, leaning back against the wall as he relaxed.
"Noah," he said, and laughed, feeling helplessly giddy.
"Yeah," Noah agreed. "Totally."
He leaned forward, rinsing his hands off in the now-tepid water. "Is it always like that?"
"Like what? Awesome?" Noah chuckled. "Mostly, yeah. Why? You wondering why you waited so long?"
"Not exactly." He stood, reaching for a towel, feeling oddly self-conscious to be standing there naked with Noah listening. "Wondering if it's... because I love you, that it feels so good, or if it's the other way around, that feeling so good makes me love you?"
"More thinking than I can handle right now." Noah sighed in contentment. "Mmm. Hey, you're not going to give up on reading to me now that we're doing this, are you? Cause I kind of missed you last night."
The memory of Noah's arm around him, lying in his bed beside him while he read the first chapter of Shadow of the Hegemon, swept over Kurt. The pain of missing him was almost physical. Kurt sank to sit on the edge of the tub, clutching the towel to his stomach.
"Not giving up on that," Kurt agreed, shivering. "I won't."
He wanted to demand, And you're not going to give up on doing this with me when you come home? But he held his tongue. He was too afraid of the answer. This, right here, was going to have to be enough.
The next day was Saturday. Kurt went to the mall and bought Noah a black long-sleeved Henley, guessing at the size. He put it on self-consciously and wore it around the house all day, expecting his father or Finn or Carole to comment about his radically different fashion choice, but they either ignored it or didn't notice.
He looked up Noah's address on the camp web site, figuring something labeled with his name and the address of the hall where they were staying would be enough to get it to him. On Monday, he slid the shirt into a padded envelope, along with a card, and took it to the post office. The card read simply Happy birthday, Noah - Love, Kurt. He wanted to write something more, but things were still so new and tentative, and Noah's willingness to acknowledge anything about their relationship so limited, he decided not to push it.
But the very next evening after rehearsal, Noah told him, "I got a shirt in the mail today for my birthday."
"Oh!" Kurt was startled. "That was quick. I didn't expect it to get there until Friday at the earliest."
"You - what? Did she tell you she was sending it?"
He paused. "Who?"
"Quinn. She sent it to me. It's nice. Smells like her."
Kurt found himself feeling vaguely betrayed, which of course was ridiculous. "Oh. I didn't know she was going to send you one. I - well. You'll get my gift in a few days."
Noah was appreciative of Kurt's shirt when it arrived, too, and he even sent him a text of a grainy picture of himself wearing it, grinning. Kurt saved the picture, but he didn't mention the shirt again. He wondered, though: what had prompted Quinn, who'd said flat out she wasn't dating anybody, to buy a shirt, wear it and send it to her ex-boyfriend?
Over the next few weeks, Noah and Kurt's pattern shifted somewhat to accommodate their additional activities, but it was surprisingly not all that different than it had been before they started being sexual together. The biggest difference was the effort to which Kurt had to go to keep their conversations private. Imagining his dad or Finn or Carole, or Quinn or one of the other actors at the Encore, walking in on him having a conversation with Noah was a lot less anxiety-provoking than imagining them walking in on Noah talking him to orgasm. So far it hadn't happened, but just the idea of them finding him in that vulnerable of a state was upsetting, all by itself.
The opportunity to be sexual with Noah, however, was unbelievably seductive, and quashed most of his fears about being discovered. Now that he was rooming with Finn, waiting until night for that kind of activity was impractical. Kurt found himself repeatedly breaking his agreement not to send Noah inappropriate invitations during rehearsal. He discovered the tinted windows in his Navigator afforded more privacy than either the bathroom at the Encore or his bedroom at home. More often than not, Kurt would call Noah on his way out the door to his car, and he would be hard before even locking the doors and unzipping his jeans.
Noah was an enthusiastic participant in their phone calls, and he never once made Kurt feel embarrassed for wanting it, nor for asking for it. Kurt let Noah take the lead in suggesting fantasies, and they never failed to be hot and satisfying. But eventually he realized that Noah was always casting himself in the active role. Not that Kurt minded this, exactly; once Noah had introduced him to the wonders of lube, Kurt had wholeheartedly embraced the pleasures of penetration. He thought it was only fair that he return the favor, but he felt a little anxious about how to bring it up.
"Dress rehearsal for Henry tomorrow," Noah reminded him when he called after rehearsal. "I'll be glad to dig into Glengarry after we're done with performances. Ricky Roma's third scene monologue is fucking awesome. Listen to this." He slipped into the tough accent he'd assumed for the part of the real estate salesman: 'I do those things which seem correct to me today. I trust myself. And if security concerns me, I do that which today I think will make me secure. And every day I do that, when that day arrives that I need a reserve, [a] odds are that I have it, and [b] the true reserve that I have is the strength that I have of acting each day without fear... according to the dictates of my mind.' Doesn't that kill you? Mamet's just got this pacing..." Noah let out a satisfied sigh.
"It's a fantastic part." Kurt climbed into the Navigator and settled into his seat, locking the doors. "I imagine you're tired, with your rehearsal schedule this week."
"Not too bad," said Noah. "I've been sleeping late."
"Mmm." Kurt reached into the glove compartment for the bottle of lotion he kept there, resting his other hand on the zipper of his pants. "And you've got a little time to kill?"
"You know I do, babe," said Noah, smiling. "You in your car?"
"I am." Kurt thought having a connection between the Navigator and sex might someday come back to haunt him, but for now, he could live with getting an erection when he sat down in his driver's seat. He switched over to speaker and set the phone on the console, dropping his pants and briefs to the floor. "It's been a long afternoon. I've been thinking about doing this for the last hour."
"Yeah... I guess that means you're pretty turned on, huh? Let me hear it."
Kurt took himself in his hand, gripping tight, and let himself moan the way Noah liked it before adding a little lotion to his palm. "Would you get your lube, too?"
"Sure, babe. I wanna feel you in my hand."
Kurt found the sound of Noah snapping the cap off the bottle far more erotic than he probably should. He tried to slow down, wanting it to last, but it had already been a tense day, and imagining what he wanted to do to Noah was inspiring him. He circled his opening with one idle finger, then pushed inside with a gasp. "Want you inside me," he insisted.
"Yeah," Noah purred. "I'll give you that... when I'm ready."
Kurt shifted forward, bringing his legs up to his chest, feeling the stretch inside. He imagined his own fingers couldn't possibly feel as good as Noah on top of him would, and he sighed. "Want to be inside you, too."
Noah's pause was longer this time, and when he spoke again, he sounded a little less certain. "Sure, babe... you can have that, if you want."
"Please?" Kurt let himself nudge into his own slick hand, making it tight, daring to imagine Noah around him. "You'll let me slide a finger inside you? Not too deep." Noah's breathing caught, and Kurt was right there, anticipating his sensation. "God... that feels so good."
"Yeah?" Noah still sounded skeptical, but Kurt could tell he was still invested. "You like that?"
"So much," Kurt promised. He wasn't kidding. He added more lotion to his fingertips. "It's so hot, Noah. Another finger?"
"Um... Kurt..."
"Let me fill you up," he said, keeping his voice breathy, and he heard Noah make a high, faint noise, like oh. "It feels so good when you do it for me. Let me show you."
"God," he muttered. "Yeah, okay. Just... hang on." Kurt waited for a few long moments, the steady hand on his own erection and fingers inside himself not quite enough to satisfy himself. "All right. I'm - I'm ready."
Kurt shivered, spreading himself wider. "Ready for two fingers?"
"Not... exactly. I'm just... can we do this?"
He paused. "Noah? What is it? It really does feel good, you know I love it -"
"I know," he said gruffly. "You gonna fuck me or what? Come on, man."
"Oh... yes." Kurt thrust into his hand slowly, making it as tight as he dared, and groaned in frustration. He heard Noah's own quiet grunts. "I wish I could really be there, to slide inside you... to fill you up..."
"Fuck," he heard Noah swear, and his rough breathing accelerated, became erratic.
"You feel me?" Kurt dared ask. "Inside you?"
"Yeah... shit, I feel you. Come on, babe, fuck me hard -"
That was all the words he got out of Noah; Kurt sat there, breathless, and listened to him come apart, moaning loudly. Finally, there was silence.
"Noah?" he said tentatively. "Are you - okay?"
"Yeah."
"You - um. You didn't have to do that if -"
"Hey, you heard me. I loved it." Noah sounded angry. "All right? Now you know. I love being fucked."
"Okay," said Kurt softly. "That's - that's good. Isn't it?"
"Yeah. Whatever." Noah sighed, sharp and bitter. "It's great. You can tell all your fucking friends that Noah Puckerman loves to take it up the ass. Go right ahead."
Kurt felt his blood turn to ice. He let his legs slip down to the floor, his own arousal subsiding. "I'm not going to tell anybody."
"Sure. I know you're dying to tell the whole fucking school about us. Why not? I'm just a fucking joke anyway. Might as well be Kurt Hummel's butt-buddy."
"Is that who I am to you?" he snapped. His hand clenched on his leg.
"That's what everybody's going to say. You can't deny it. If people find out the truth, they're going to destroy me."
"I'm delighted to hear you think so little of me," Kurt said coldly. "I seem to recall something about love passing your lips just last night."
Noah was getting more worked up with every sentence. "This isn't about what I think. It's about what everybody else in the fucking state of fucking Ohio thinks. Everybody here, the gay kids, they tell me what it's like for them back home. How they get tormented and teased every day. Just like you. I'm not gonna be their victim, Kurt."
"Yeah. You know what, Noah? You already are." Kurt fought back the tears, struggling to pull his pants up. "I can't believe I was such an idiot to trust you."
"Hey!" Noah shouted. "Don't make this about me."
"It's always been about you," he bit out. "Because you're too scared to be the man I know is hiding inside that little boy."
"Yeah. Because everybody wants to take advantage of the kind of man I am." Kurt thought Noah might be crying now, but he wasn't stopping long enough for Kurt to try to comfort him. "I know what I am, Kurt. I'm an actor. That's what I've always been, and that's what I'm gonna be, for the rest of my life. I'd better get used to it."
"Noah -" Kurt protested, but Noah had already disconnected the call. When Kurt tried to call him back, he didn't pick up. Kurt leaned his head back against the seat, closing his eyes. "Shit."
Kurt drove home and suffered through Friday family dinner in silence, ignoring the uneasy glances Carole kept giving his father. Then he went downstairs to sit on his bed and stare pointlessly at a book until Finn came down to sit on the bed across from him.
Finn leaned his elbows uncomfortably on his knees. "Hey... so, you've been pretty wrapped up in this play, this summer."
"Musical, Finn." Kurt shrugged. "I suppose."
"And I know that you've... well, that there's a guy." Finn gave him a meaningful look when Kurt glanced sharply at him. "Dude, I'm not stupid. You're moping around, and you're always on the phone, and - um, I've heard you in the bathroom more than once."
Kurt felt his face go crimson. "It's nothing," he said. "The guy. He's... he doesn't really love me. Not the way he said he did. I'm just feeling like an idiot tonight for trusting him."
"I know how that feels," Finn said quietly. "After what Rachel did, with Jesse... I didn't know if I should trust her, either. But that doesn't mean I don't love her." He watched Kurt's face. "You think... this guy, you think he loves you? Even if he's a jerk?"
"Maybe. I don't know." Kurt sat there cradling all the words Noah had given him, all the quotations and sonnets, all the words gasped out in the middle of moments shared over the phone. He sighed. "Yeah, I think he does."
Finn gave him a lopsided smile. "So, what, you're gonna call him and say you forgive him? For being a jerk? Because I think it would be better than this."
"I've been trying." Kurt held up his phone. "He hasn't been answering."
"Leave him a voicemail, then. Whatever." Finn stood, resting an awkward hand on Kurt's shoulder. "Good luck, man."
"Thanks," Kurt said, touched despite himself. He smiled at Finn. "You're being really cool about this, considering."
Finn looked puzzled. "Considering what?"
Kurt opened his mouth to say considering I'm in love with your best friend, but he decided he couldn't do it. He couldn't out Noah, even if Finn had probably guessed it anyway. "Considering we have to share a room."
"Yeah, well, it sounds like my mom's gonna have to move back to the house pretty soon." Finn shrugged. "The real estate market sucks. There was something about paying taxes if you don't live in your primary residence for more than half the year. Anyway, I get my old room back, for a little while, anyway."
"I'll miss you," Kurt said, and he thought he might actually mean it. Finn smiled.
"Call your guy," he advised. "It sucks to wait around for the person you love to call you. Maybe he'll answer this time."
As Finn climbed the stairs, Kurt thumbed redial for the eighth time that night. There wasn't any reason for Noah to pick up now instead of the times Kurt had called before, but for some reason, he did.
"Hey," said Noah. There was a pause, and then a cough. "I told you I was still an asshole, didn't I?"
"You did," Kurt agreed. "And I love you anyway."
"Yeah?" Noah said softly. Kurt sighed.
"Yes. And I can't blame you for being scared of people treating you the way they treat me. I wouldn't choose it, if I had a choice, but I don't. I'm just not as good an actor as you are."
Noah's bitter tone tore at Kurt's heart. " 'The true reserve that I have is the strength that I have of acting each day without fear... according to the dictates of my mind.' Yeah. What a fucking joke. Ricky Roma's more of a man than I am."
Kurt softened his voice. "Hey... what we did today. Liking that, wanting that... it doesn't make you any less of a man."
Noah sighed. "I don't think I can hear that right now, Kurt. But thanks for trying, anyway. And... just, thanks. For not giving up on me."
"I don't think I could do that, not really. Loving you, it's not something that goes away when things are hard."
"Yeah." Noah's voice slipped to a whisper. "That's pretty amazing."
Kurt reached for the book sitting on his bedside table. "Are you ready for me to read to you?"
"I - don't think so. Not tonight."
He let his hand fall back to the bed, trying not to feel hurt. "Okay. We can try again tomorrow."
"Sure, yeah. Thank you. Good night, Kurt."
Kurt watched the clock tick away the minutes until it was eleven, and then he turned off the light and lay staring up at the ceiling, waiting for sleep to claim him.
Kurt tried to keep an eye on Quinn the following week, but either she was avoiding him or the rehearsals were effectively keeping them separated. Either way, he barely saw her again until Thursday, when they found each other backstage at the same time. Kurt tried to smile normally.
"Hey," he said. "Noah told me you sent him a birthday present."
She looked startled, and - guilty? Something beyond wary, anyway. "Yeah," she said. "I sent him a shirt." Then she frowned at him. "Wait, how do you know about that?"
"He's not who you think he is, you know," Kurt said. Quinn raised an eyebrow.
"We'll see," she replied. "He's really good at appearing to be just another Lima loser, but I know he isn't that."
"No," Kurt agreed. That was all he would say.
He saw Quinn talking to Sam later, but mostly she continued to keep to herself, looking exhausted and haunted. There wasn't much more that Kurt could do other than watch and wait for rehearsal to be over. He didn't even hurry to his car to call Noah, but hung around afterwards, waiting for Mrs. Wright to be done talking to the other performers and the stage manager. Eventually she turned to him, smiling.
"How's your summer going, Kurt?" she asked, gesturing for him to take a chair across from her. He did, trying to imagine what he could say that would make sense in a short amount of time.
"I'm regretting not auditioning for Usdan summer theater camp," he said finally. She nodded.
"It's not cheap," she said. "Or easy to get into. But... if you're asking me if you think you had a shot, the answer is yes."
He was startled into a smile. "Really?"
"As much as I'd hate to lose you next summer, I'd be more than willing to write you a recommendation." She considered him. "You might want to think about participating in the theater club at the university next year. Without Ryerson around, there isn't likely to be an opportunity to do theater at McKinley."
"Mr. Schue said he might do a fall musical," Kurt offered. Mrs. Wright smiled kindly.
"Have you heard from Noah? I was wondering if he ended up doing Henry V as he'd hoped."
"No, he didn't get Henry; he's playing the Montjoy. But he did get Ricky Roma in Glengarry Glen Ross."
Mrs. Wright shook her head in amazement. "Well... I can say that Bryce certainly isn't afraid to take risks. I'm sure Noah is enjoying doing that show. Do you plan on driving out to see him perform again this summer?"
Kurt shook his head. "I don't think I can do that, not without missing a performance here."
"Oh, well... it'd be a long drive on the night of our last show," she agreed. "And I imagine you'd be exhausted. But you could take an overnight bus, or find a friend to drive with, if you were motivated. I thought - well. Perhaps you'll do me the courtesy of telling me, if you do decide to go?"
"Sure," he said, a little overwhelmed. He hadn't even considered an overnight bus. He could probably afford that, or even the train, if he - He nodded, more confidently this time. "Yes. Of course. Thank you."
That night, before getting ready for bed, Kurt looked up bus and train fares to Long Island. What he learned was discouraging; he'd have to take a bus to Toledo and then the train was over 20 hours from there; the bus wasn't much better and didn't travel overnight anyway.
He sent a text to Andrea with a sense of futility. You feeling a yen to road trip with me again in a couple weeks?
Could be, she texted back. Once the summer semester's over, I'll be free. Where is the Hummel wandering urge taking you?
Back to Long Island. I can't promise it'll end any better than it did last summer.
I'll check with my parents and get back to you. Your dad already said yes?
Kurt didn't bother to answer that. He had enough confidence in his ability to persuade his dad to let him go. Then he said good night to Carole and his dad and went downstairs. Finn was already in bed, the lights turned down low.
"Okay if I read to Noah before I go to sleep?" he asked.
Finn shifted in bed, and for a moment Kurt wondered if he was awake after all. Then he spoke, not in reply.
"Your guy," he said, his voice low. "Is it... Do I know him?"
Kurt pursed his lips. "I'm not sure if you do, Finn."
It might have been too late for Finn to deal with a cryptic answer, or perhaps he was tired enough to take Kurt's response at face value. Either way, Finn didn't speak again, and once Kurt had gotten ready for bed, he was snoring lightly.
Noah picked up on the second ring. "Hey," he said, sounding much more normal than he had before.
"Hey. I'm... I was thinking about driving out to see your last performance."
"Oh." Kurt wasn't sure how to interpret the tenor of his answer, but when he asked for clarification, he guessed Noah was just confused. "I didn't think you could this year."
"I'd have to leave after our last performance on Saturday night and drive straight through overnight to get there before your last matinee on Sunday, and then you'd be tearing down and getting ready to come home anyway. I just don't know if it's worth it."
"I know. I'm just - it would mean a lot to me to have you there, but that's a fucking long drive. I wouldn't expect you to do it."
"If Andrea can go, I can go too. I'll let you know, all right? I'd really like to see you perform."
"I'd really like to kiss you," Noah said. Kurt caught his breath and held it, and Noah went on. "I mean... I'd like to do a hell of a lot of things. But I could... kiss you. Here. I could be... what you need."
Awareness prickled over him. "Noah," he breathed. "Are you out at camp?"
He chuckled, somewhat unhappily. "Kind of. I mean, practically everybody's bi anyway. I didn't want to disappoint them, so... yeah. I told people. About you, and me."
Kurt was silent, struggling with the emotions he felt. One of them was pride at Noah risking his status just to talk about him, about them. Another was frustration at Noah's glacial pace; still another was distrust in Noah's honesty. After what had happened with Finn and Carole, he wasn't sure it would make sense to put any faith in him at all.
"That's... wow. I mean -"
"Never mind," said Noah tersely. "You can come if you want, but don't make it a big deal. I'll be back in a couple weeks."
"Yeah." Kurt sighed. "But you're not going to kiss me in the fall."
"Kurt," Noah began, but Kurt cut him off.
"You're not going to. I'm telling you. It's not because I don't want it, Noah. It's because nothing has changed. You, me, the world... they're all the same as they were before we started messing around this summer."
"I'm not, Kurt," insisted Noah. "I'm different. I'm not the same as I was in the spring. But if you're asking if I'm ready to stand up on the stage and tell the world I like getting fucked in the ass, well -"
"That's beside the point," Kurt argued. He was tired, so goddamn tired, of arguing about this. "You can like any kind of sex you want, but it doesn't make you gay. The only thing that makes you gay is being in love with another boy. And I think you qualify."
"Kurt." Noah sounded almost desperate. "Are you telling me I'm going to get back to Lima after camp is over and you're not going to let me kiss you?"
Kurt closed his eyes, scarcely believing what he was doing. "Yeah. That's what I'm telling you. Now... do you still want me to come visit you in New York, even if I'm not going to -"
"Yeah." Noah sighed. "Yeah. I still want you to come, if you can."
"I'll let you know if I'm coming, then." He flipped through what was left of their book. "We didn't get through much reading this summer."
"I think we got through a lot more important stuff, though."
Kurt had to smile. "Maybe? It was... really good, anyway."
"Yeah. It was. The best, Kurt."
Kurt managed to get through the rest of the chapter they were on without crying. He said I love you, trying not to be so attached to hearing Noah's response. But once he hung up, he smothered himself in his pillow, letting the sobs out into the silence of their bedroom. He took the time to say goodbye, to mourn all the things he would miss in the fall, here where nobody else could hear or see him hurting.
www. youtube watch?v=lmzmD9OdlVA
I heard love can fall so hard, it can bury a kingdom
I heard it makes the spring appear out of season
It's a storm in a shadowbox, a force to be reckoned with,
When it finds you and find you, it will.
And I'd not believed it til I loved, I love
The rivers sing and stars awaken above me
And the wind and the moon in fits of restless conspiring
Turn night to heaven for you.
But I am going to a far, far land
I know it sure as I've a past and a future
With my maps on the table, you see, I have lost many things
So many I won't turn back.
And were I a deadwood ship, my heart a compass
I would leave with inanimate grace, no love could touch me
But I live and I know that I'll burn as I grow
Though it might break my heart to walk away and so
As a moon may adore you and remain, high moon
The wind may crown your head with leaves, and keep blowing
So I'll stop and I'll watch you, for I love, I love
And then be on my way
- Dar Williams, "I Love, I Love (Traveling II)"