Tegan compartmentalized her belongings into the storage cupboards of their tour van, preparing to hit the road to promote their new album, This Business Of Art. Her obsessive compulsive disorder kicked in and she sat in the middle of the van, rearranging her shirts in order by color and alphabetizing all the new CDs she had into their overpacked case, leaving barely enough room for Sara to do the same.
Satisfied that every thing was in its proper place, Tegan hopped out, slid the door shut, and leaned against it with her head tilted high, staring up into Sara's third floor apartment. Every now and again, she would see Sara's darting figure pass by, hurrying to finish her last minute packing because of Lucy, the girl who Sara met camping and whom she hadn't left her side for the past week, avoiding Tegan. Lucy, however, made sure to greet Tegan with a chirpy "Hello!" any time they would cross in the elevator or through the front door, not bothering to question why Sara stayed silent, eyes planted straight ahead, unblinking and Tegan only mumbled a quick "Hey," before going on about her lonesome days.
Tegan spotted Lucy passing the window and grimaced. She was glad to finally be rid of her. Now Sara and her could just be together and figure things out, maturely. After a week without her, Tegan was confident that she wanted to give something with Sara a try, if Sara still felt the same, but still she was leery about a commitment. Tegan was much too affectionate to be with someone she couldn't show off in public. The thought alone of having to hide her entire life was enough to send her into a spiraling depression.
The minutes ticked by until Sara and Lucy met up with Tegan at the van, bags in hand. Tegan stepped out of the way, watching Sara closely as she unpacked in the same manor she had, and when she was done, she waited for Sara to say goodbye to Lucy. Instead, Lucy slipped her backpack off and began to climb into the back, preparing to ride along for the journey.
"Woah, hey," Tegan stuck her arm out, blocking the doorway. She looked to Sara, frozen in her spot and staring at the ground and then to Lucy, looking back and forth between the two.
"Sara?" Lucy said questioningly. "I thought you told her?"
"Told me what?" Tegan gritted her teeth, her steal grip on the door turning her knuckles white.
"She's coming with us." Sara spoke quietly, looking to her feet. She knew Tegan would get pissed and it frightened her to tell her they weren't going to be alone. She figured if she waited until the last minute, Tegan couldn't say no and she would have Lucy to stand behind for protection when Tegan lashed out.
Tegan tightened her jaw, shot a glare to Lucy, blaming her for everything she has felt in the past week, and shoved past her, grabbing Sara by the elbow, dragging her to the other side of the van. She crossed her arms, getting in Sara's face, her warm breath snaking its way around Sara's skin.
"What the fuck?" Tegan spat. "You really moved on that fast, huh?"
"It's not what you think, Tee. There's nothing going on between her and I." Sara mumbled, glancing through the van windows to Lucy, squinting her eyes and trying to get a feel for what was going on between the two. Sara was sure she could feel the hurt radiating off of Tegan, and she wanted to reach out, to comfort her and hold her, but she knew it would only result in a punch to the face. She crossed her arms instead, trying to fold into herself.
"Bullshit, Sara. The two of you just spent a week, inseparable, in your apartment. I know you, and I know you fucked her." Tegan sucked her bottom lip between her teeth, biting it to keep herself from pouting and trembling. Images of Lucy wrapped in Sara's sheets instead of herself made her knees wobble and she braced a hand against the van window, steadying herself.
Sara hung her head low. Tegan was right, but she only did it to get her mind off Tegan. It was easy to channel her frustration sexually onto Lucy. "It didn't mean any thing, I swear." She peeked up at her sister through her eyelashes and saw her features soften. It was the truth, and Tegan believed her.
"You could have came and talked to me." Tegan muttered, looking up to the sky to quickly blink back her tears before they fell. "All you had to do was walk down the stairs and listen. I would have told you what you wanted, needed, to hear."
Sara nodded, regretting her mistake. She took another glance towards Lucy, finding her facing the other way and sitting in the open door way. She reached out, toying with Tegan's fingers, trying to be as optimistic as possible. "Is it too late?"
Tegan shrugged, unsure of the answer. What had happened would definitely set them back, but it was nothing, she hoped, they couldn't fix and move on from. But for that to even happen, it had to be just them. "Is she coming along for the entire tour?"
Sara shook her head. Even she knew that would be crossing the line too far. "Just until we get to Ontario, or she finds something else that grabs her attention. It should only be a few days, then we can have a talk, about us?"
"Yeah." Tegan answered softly, circling her tongue around the back of her labret piercing. She was eager to have their talk, but the non confrontational part of her was dreading it.
Sara nodded, "Well, we should probably hit the road. I'm going to hang in back with Lucy if you want to drive."
"Yeah, okay," Tegan replied, disappointed. She turned around and climbed into the driver's seat, tapping her fingers against the steering wheel while she waited for Sara and Lucy. When they were in, Sara leaned in between the driver and passenger's seats, mouthing "I'm sorry," through the rearview mirror before pulling the divider shut, leaving Tegan alone.
Tegan blindly searched with her hand around the middle console, wondering where the CD case was so she could blast her favorite artists to drown out the giggles coming from the back. With a defeated grunt she remembered she left it in back for Sara to put hers in and there was no way she was risking the pain of drawing back the divider and seeing them doing whatever it was they were to entertain themselves. She settled on the least annoying radio station she could find and cranked it, blocking out everything, including her thoughts.
Night fell, and after a days worth of driving, Tegan pulled into a wayside to set up camp and get ready for bed before another half day of driving followed by their first show of the tour. Tegan followed Lucy and Sara into the bathroom, trying to keep her focus on her feet or the ground right in front of her. She knew without asking that all three of them would be sharing a bed, and it only lowered her mood more. She forwent putting her pajamas on left to return to the van first, tossing her pajamas in the door of the van, and went to the back, climbing up the small metal ladder to the roof to smoke a cigarette before her restless night ahead.
Sara returned to the van, Lucy at her side, and exhaled, finding Tegan on the roof. She threw her clothes in the van and stood on the ledge of the doorway, resting her elbows on the roof. She waited until Tegan looked at her and smiled weakly, "Goodnight Tegan."
Tegan shifted, drawing her knees up around her chest and wrapped her arm around her shins but didn't reply, just took another drag off her cigarette.
Sara hated that Tegan indulged in smoking cigarettes. She feared that not only would it disrupt their career later on, but also Tegan's health, and she would lose the two most important things to her; music and her sister, but that undeniable comfort she found in the lingering scent of smoke on Tegan would always remain. One day, Tegan would find herself reveling in the same comfort of the ever present scent of coffee on Sara.
Sara sat up in the bed, watching Tegan sneak back in and slip her shirt off, then her bra, moving her arm quickly to her chest to cover herself until she slipped her pajama top on, and repeated the same movements with her jeans and pajama bottoms. She didn't care if Tegan knew, or was bothered, that she was watching. Her heart ached to talk to Tegan, or just to be alone in her presence, but it was impossible with Lucy there. At the end of the night, that is where Sara had to return even if she had no desire to, but now it didn't matter. Lucy would be gone after another night and Sara could finally get her arms wrapped around Tegan, listening to those three words she so longed to hear, and knew where rightfully hers.
Tegan crawled onto the bed, avoiding Sara knowing full well that her undivided attention was on her. With the chilly glass window practically squished against her nose, she pulled her blue blanket over her body, and stared out into the darkness. The faint outline of her hand print from earlier still smeared on the window grabbed her attention and she aligned her palm against it. Still she could feel Sara's gaze on her, burning holes into the back of her neck, and she was tempted to roll over, shooting Sara smart remarks lowly until she was forced to roll over and cuddle with her, but that wasn't what Sara wanted to be tempted into.
Sara leaned up onto her elbow, facing Tegan, and squinted in the dark, trying to catch Tegan's eye in the reflection of the window. Tegan blinked, staring back, thoughts of what Sara was thinking and planning eating away at her brain as her body stayed frozen like a statue. It felt like hours had passed before Tegan let out an inaudible sigh and tried to ignore Sara, shutting her eyes tight and focusing on the upcoming shows they would be playing, in bigger venues, with bigger audiences. Things she knew she could handle craving.
Eventually, Sara moved, craning her neck to make sure Lucy was asleep under the green blanket covering both their slim bodies, and satisfied she wasn't going to wake, scooted herself out from the blanket and to the one covering her sister. She lined herself up evenly with Tegan's body, her knees bent slightly into the crook of Tegan's own bent pair, and nuzzled her face lightly into Tegan's neck, inhaling her smokey scent and grazing her lips over the soft skin that shuddering from the gentle touch. Sara grinned, slinking her arm over Tegan's middle to rest her open palm on the slight rise and fall of Tegan's stomach. The muscles in Tegan's stomach tensed, unsure of how to react to the sensual, loving touch coming from its owner.
The longer Sara's hand lingered, the more Tegan's muscles seemed to spasm. Her heart beat erratically and her fingers twitched, itching to link her fingers together with Sara's, yet also not wanting to give her sister the satisfaction that she loved her so much, she was willing to let their complications go without a word but by the silent persistent kisses being placed to her sweet spots and the soft tickle of Sara's dancing fingertips. So Tegan waited until she heard the deep, even breaths blow across her ear before she raised the blanket slightly, double checking that Sara was actually full on spooning her, which also happened to be in just the way Tegan liked it. Tegan smiled to herself, moving her arm delicately down, stopping over Sara's hand splayed across her stomach, covered in goosebumps and lowered her arm, entwining her fingers with Sara's. She snuggled backwards, not bothering to care she was being so open about the touch she desired from Sara, if Sara was asleep. She let her eyes shut peacefully, and before allowing herself to fall into a sleep filled with optimistic dreams, she pulled the silver ball under her lip into her mouth, contemplating whether to say the words clinging to the tip of her tongue, and when the confession became too heavy for her to hold in her mouth any longer, faintly Tegan murmured, "I love you."
Behind her, Sara peeked her eyes open and smiled wide, her pudgy cheeks hurting from the strain. She pressed her lips to the nape of Tegan's neck once more and felt her body stiffen in her arms, Tegan hadn't meant for Sara to hear the soft utterance, looking over Sara's shoulder, they both checked on the sleeping girl laying inches from them, then their eyes locked and shouted all the things they couldn't, as Sara whispered, "Say it again."
Tegan opened her mouth and choked, the words stuck in her throat.