Chapter 11 – August 1917

The front door closed behind me. I walked into the parlor, collapsed on the sofa and stared at the long shadows creeping across the floor.

It had been a long day. I was exhausted. He was gone.

A month after our wedding Charles number came up in the draft. Now, a month later, he was gone…for at least a year.

As I stood at the train station with his parents, I did my best to show my concern and wish him good luck and goodbye as a newlywed wife should. Hundreds of women, including my Helen, were there wishing farewell to their loved ones with tears streaming down their face. If I had cried such tears it would have been for the wrong reasons.

"It will feel like an eternity without you," Charles said, his hands on my cheeks, "I will miss you Esme but knowing you are here waiting for me will keep me alive. I love you." He kissed me, holding onto my lips like a man who wouldn't be kissed again for a long time.

When he let go, I patted the front of his jacket, "Take care of yourself Charles. Be safe." He looked like he was anticipating more words from me but when he didn't receive them, he turned away and went to board the train.

I stood with his parents waving until the train was out of sight. Jonathan turned to me, "Esme, I know this separation will be difficult for you. You are our daughter now and know if you need anything while Charles is gone, you can always come to us."

"Thank you, Jonathan. That is very kind of you."

"We are family. We stick together. Come over for supper tonight."

I could see Helen bawling next to Andrew and an again pregnant Grace. "Thank you so much for the invitation but I think I should be with my cousin. She is devastated. Maybe tomorrow night?"

Mary barely glanced over at Helen. Jonathan raised an eyebrow and looked at me surprised, "How are you holding it together so well Esme?"

I smiled weakly and said the line I had prepared for just this situation, "I'm proud of Charles service for our country. He is doing a great thing for our nation. How could I be so selfish as to cry over his self-sacrifice?"

Jonathan looked satisfied but there was still a slight amount of skepticism at the corner of his eyes, "Very profound dear." He hugged me, "You should teach some of that patriotism to your cousin. We should be going then. Mary," he said as he took her arm.

I barely could hear Mary say, "Good afternoon Esme." Then they were also gone.

I could see Grace glance in my direction as I approached. Helen saw me through her tears and threw her arms around me, sobbing into my shoulder. "Esme! What are we going to do? I can't do this! I'm not strong enough without Thomas! I need him! How are you so calm?" she shrieked at me.

Grace eyed me warily.

"I'm proud of his service Helen," trying to put some enthusiasm in my tone but knowing that it still sounded flat. "Charles will be fine. He's a fighter. He'll survive. Thomas will too. I know it. With you at home, he will do everything in his power to get home to you."

This only made her cries worse, so I put my arm around her and walked her out of the station with Grace and Andrew close behind. We took her home and like a child who cried herself to exhaustion, put her to bed.

I came back downstairs to find Grace waiting for me in the sitting room. "Andrew went into the kitchen to find something to eat."

"I should get home," yawning even though it was mid-afternoon and motioning to the front door.

"Esme, come sit for just a moment."

I reluctantly took a seat on the chair next to where she sat and saw the look of concern again spread across her face. "Dear, are you alright? Are you in shock or something? Looking around you were the only woman not in tears and I would have expected you to be crying the most."

"I'm fine Grace," I said again too flatly and with her staring me down, I looked away, finally feeling tears brimming. "Didn't you hear me before, I'm proud of his service."

"Esme," she groaned. "This is me, Grace. Big sister emeritus. I've been a newlywed. I've been married for five years. I've barely seen you smile since your wedding and that is not like you. You are usually sunshine. What is so wrong?"

I turned to her, "I'm exhausted Grace," looking at her meaningfully, "All the time."

She looked at me, puzzlement on her face, but then she caught up and laughed, "Is that all? He's wearing you out?"

"Grace!" looking toward the door.

She waved me off, "I lied. I sent Andrew home so I could talk to you. I didn't want you to flee if I told you that was my plan up front." My mouth fell open. "I know you dear. I was afraid you would have flown out the door if I didn't get you to sit down."

I pondered that for a second and nodded in agreement.

She smiled and reached over and took my hand. "So he was keeping you up at night, huh?"

I could feel my cheeks burning as I nodded again.

"Well that's to be expected Esme! Don't be angry with him for it. You were his new beautiful bride and then he found out he was going to war and probably wanted to spend as much time with you as possible before he went away for a year."

I was mortified but since I realized Grace would listen, "He's rather forceful Grace."

There was barely a night since the wedding that he hadn't pounced upon me. "No" wasn't a word Charles understood in the bedroom. I tried going to bed after him but he would wait for me. I tried going to bed before he got home but he would wake me. A headache, a stomachache, my time of the month, it didn't matter to him.

"I'm sure it's because he loves you so much Esme. I couldn't keep Andrew away from me either when we were newlyweds, and, although she would hate that I was telling you this, Helen and Thomas were just ridiculous. If they came over for supper, they were practically running out the door after the meal."

In the past, I probably would have laughed but it wouldn't come. "But it's not like that Grace," I said, a bitterness to my tone that I didn't like in myself. "It is always about what he wants. He doesn't seem to care what I want or if he is hurting me."

"That will change. Men have a one track mind sometimes but with time he'll get past that and think more of your needs. I have been there dear."

"It's more than that Grace…" I regretted it as soon as I said and her eyes went wide with a quizzical look.

"What is it?"

I bit my lip and looked at her figure realizing it was a ridiculous question before I even asked it, "Have you ever tried not to get pregnant?"

It was Grace's turn to be shocked. It took her a moment before she breathed, "What ever do you mean Esme? That's against God's plan."

I could feel the tears trying to escape again, "He says we are not ready. He doesn't ever in…" I couldn't say it but I could see by her expression that she got the meaning.

"That's not natural," she said, awe and worry combined on her face.

"It wasn't that way at first but then I knew something was different…at first he said it was because he wanted to spend some time with just me before we had a child and then when he found out he was leaving, he said he didn't want to leave me alone in that condition."

She shook her head and I could see she was trying to rationalize it but was struggling with it, "Well I guess that is understandable."

I blew the air out of my chest, "I know but I want to have children Grace. It is what I was looking forward to most with getting married."

"Well it doesn't always work out that way even if you were trying. Look at my sister upstairs. They have been trying since their wedding night and nothing. It will though when God says it is the right time."

"Well there can't be a right time if we're not even trying!"

"I'm sure that when he gets back he will be eager to start a family with you Esme. These are trying times. Give him the benefit of the doubt. It wasn't the most opportune time to get married. He knew there was a chance he would get drafted before the wedding and I'm sure his mind has not been in the best place. He loves you though. I can see it in his eyes. Things will be different when he comes home."

I shook my head yes. There was no point in debating with her. "Thanks Grace. I should go."

"Alright dear," she chuckled, "I won't torture you anymore."

I laughed, "You're not torturing me. I am tired. It has been a long day."

She smirked at me, "Well you should get a good night's rest tonight and for quite some time."

I wasn't smiling now. "We shouldn't be laughing about this Grace. He has gone off to fight for our country."

"Yes, of course you're right. I'm sorry," the smirk wiped off her face.

"Are you heading home? I'll walk you out."

"No. I'll stay here for a bit. I don't want her to be alone when she wakes up."

I nodded, glancing toward the stairs. "Please tell her I'll stop by tomorrow."

"I will."

I bid Grace goodbye then headed home and now just sat in the silent darkening house.

"Mrs. Evenson?"

I startled at the sound of the voice and looked up to find Joyce had silently approached the doorway.

"Yes Joyce."

"Can I get anything for you ma'am? Something to eat? A cup of tea?"

"I'm not hungry. A cup of tea would be nice." I stood up. "I'll join you in the kitchen."

She nodded and I followed her. Joyce was a colored woman who I thought was in her mid 40s. She had been serving the Evensons since they were married. I was guessing she had a devotion to Charles, having watched him grow up, since she so easily left his parents home after such a long time with them.

I stood watching her put the kettle on the stove. She politely smiled at me and gestured. "There's a stool there ma'am. Please take a seat."

I looked around the room as I sat. "I haven't spent enough time in this room since I moved in."

"Well ma'am that is to be expected. Do you enjoy the kitchen?"

"Sometimes. The kitchen was always my mother's territory," I found myself grinning. "If she needed your help you better be there in an instant, but otherwise it was best to stay out of her way. She is a great cook though and she did teach me my way around one."

She chuckled, "Well the other Mrs. Evenson didn't like the kitchen and treated it as my territory. She rarely entered the room. Know you are welcome in here anytime and I'll put you to work too."

I laughed, "Any time Joyce but please call me Esme."

Her face became serious and she shook her head, "No thank you Mrs. Evenson. The elder Mr. Evenson was very clear on his thoughts about how to be addressed. I'm sure your Mr. Evenson has similar views on the subject."

I wasn't in the mood to argue but I was curious, "Why do you think that is?"

She looked thoughtful for a second, obviously debating internally whether or not to say anything but then spoke, "Position in society is important to elder Mr. Evenson and I'm sure to the younger as well. Everyone has their place and mine is cooking and cleaning for and taking care of the Evenson family and I am just fine with that."

"I am happy you are here Joyce."

"I am happy to be here Mrs. Evenson," she smiled as she placed a cup of tea in front of me, already prepared exactly as I would do so myself. "Now after your tea, you should probably get some rest and get those purple circles out from under your eyes. You should be able to get some sleep at nights now."

"I'm staying in the guest room."

Joyce stared blankly at me for a moment, but then went back to putting away the sugar, "I'll run up and make sure everything is alright in it. Is this just for tonight because you don't want to go to your bed alone?"

"No," I could feel the flatness creeping back into my voice. "There are too many memories in our bedroom already. I don't want to stay in there."

She smiled knowingly but really not knowing at all, "I'll move your things over to the guest room then."

"Not tonight Joyce but I'll help you with it in the morning."

"As you wish ma'am. I'm going to run up though to check on the room."

Alone again, I sipped my tea and smiled to myself. It would be nice to have Joyce for company and now with Charles gone, hopefully she would move from a shadow to a friend.

"I moved your pillow and put your nightgown in the guest room," she announced as she reentered the kitchen and picked up my now empty tea cup. "Are you sure I can't get you anything to eat?"

"No. I'm fine. Thank you. I'm just going to bed."

"Well then I wish you sweet dreams Mrs. Evenson. I will see you in the morning."

"Good night Joyce."

I ascended the back staircase, walked straight past our bedroom door without even a glance at it and into the guest room where I indeed found everything laid out for me and the bed turned down.

I wearily took off my dress and examined the bruises on my wrists and arms. They were darker than this morning. As I pulled my nightgown over my head, I though how nice it would be to be able to wear shorter sleeves again but it would probably be a few weeks at least.

I climbed into the never slept in bed, enjoying the difference in smell and feel and quickly dozed off, enjoying my first full night's slumber in almost three months.