CHAPTER 11

Physically Harold was almost completely healed. The moments of depression were getting fewer and farther in between. The biggest difference was that it was easier to bring him out of his depression. He seemed happy to see Sameen when she came home. He didn't question why he was staying with her, and never mentioned The Machine or the numbers. Lionel and Sameen had decided to keep their activities away from Harold. They both felt no good would come from reminding Harold about John and The Machine. They were both just happy to have him 'back'.

Iris continued her visits to check on Harold each day. Their discussions were becoming varied and rather lively, depending on the topic. Every so often she would bring up John, testing the waters, to see how Harold was dealing with the loss. Some days he was open to talking about him and some days not. She knew she had to choose her battles when it came to talking about John with Harold.

Harold brought up her suggestion about "talking" to the people he had lost. He mentioned talking to his mother. He explained how much it had helped. He hadn't realized, until talking to Iris, that he had never talked to anyone about the loss of his mother. Admitting to Iris that much was a huge step for him. He seldom, if ever, spoke to anyone about something that personal. He added that he had 'spoken' to Nathan a couple of times as well. That had been a little harder than speaking to his mother. His guilt over Nathan's death was still fresh and deep. His own pride has caused Nathan's death…...driving him to go public with the acknowledgement of The Machine. He remembered how strongly he had resisted, and the truly horrible things he'd said to Nathan. He'd never gotten the chance to apologize before he was killed on the ferry.

He asked Sameen if she could take him to where Nathan was buried. He felt the need to pay his respects. He'd never been able to visit Nathan's grave before now. He'd been afraid those same government agents who had caused his death would find him. And in finding him, endanger Grace.

This was the first time Harold had asked to go out, to leave the safety of Root's home. Sameen talked to Iris to see if she thought he was ready. Iris immediately agreed, thinking what a huge step this was toward his healing.

The visit went well. Harold spent time sitting near Nathan's grave talking quietly to him. Apologizing for doubting him, he told Nathan that he knew now that Nathan had been right all along. He apologized for waiting too long to come to that realization. He unburdened himself by talking to Nathan like they used to talk all those years ago. Harold felt the years fall away and with that, the deep sense of shame he'd felt over his part in Nathan's death.

Shaw had given Harold the privacy he seemed to need. She was getting better at reading people's unspoken emotional needs. That surprised her. Usually they had to be pointed out to her. Talking to Iris had allowed her to take a deeper look into her own psyche. She was surprised at what she'd found. She'd always been rather proud that because of her AXIS II personality disorder, that she didn't have all the emotional baggage that other people had. She'd always thought the term 'disorder' had been a misnomer, that it was EVERYONE ELSE that had the disorder in having all those messy emotions. But now she found herself thinking more and more about Root. About what she'd say and do in particular situations, the gentle teasing at inappropriate moments. She'd hear Root's voice when she talked to The Machine and it had become comforting, sometimes when she didn't even realize she needed the comfort.

Iris was having some success herself in dealing with John's loss. Being able to speak to Zoe, Lionel and Sameen about John had gone a long way in helping her deal with his loss just as it had helped them. She felt that all 4 of them were helping each other as their friendships grew.

During one of their afternoon 'talks', Harold finally told her what John had said to him on the rooftop. Harold's voice broke as he explained how powerless he'd felt when he realized that John was taking his place. His place. Harold was unable to continue. She sat there, letting him regain control on his own. It had to be his choice as to how much he would tell her. She wanted to know what had happened in the last few minutes of John's life…..she needed to know….for her closure as well as his. But it had to be on Harold's terms.

Iris didn't know why they were on the rooftop. She didn't understand the how and the why of the cruise missile either. A CRUISE MISSILE for God's sakes! Neither Sameen nor Lionel seemed willing to explain it all to her. She felt there was a huge gap in her knowledge of John's "other life" that maybe one day she would learn about. At least she hoped. But for now, she wanted to know about his last minutes and how to help Harold deal with the loss of John, and to be honest, to hopefully find a way to help her handle losing John. She knew those two things were intertwined.

One of the best moments for Harold had been when Bear came by to visit. Iris came in while the visit was going on out on the garden patio. Sameen was there with a man named Leon. Iris remembered Bear being mentioned when Harold was still in the hospital. Bear gave Iris a good 'once over' and decided that she passed the 'Bear test' and became part of his pack. He went back to retrieving the ball and bringing it back to Harold to throw again. Leon had proven to be quite a character. He talked a lot. Rapid-fire delivery with a comment for everything. Sameen had warned him about talking too much about Reese but he'd let a couple of comments get loose. However, Harold was concentrating so much on Bear and the ball, Iris doubted he even heard.

A few days later Iris left work early to run by and see Harold. She had a feeling that Harold was reaching a point of coming face to face with the loss of John and how his part had played into that loss. She was concerned about how much of the flood gates opening would he be able to handle at once.

Arriving at the small loft, Iris knocked on the door. Not hearing Harold answer, she used the key that Sameen had given her, to unlock the door and go on in. Not seeing Harold in the living area she called out to him. Again no response. She knocked on the door to his bedroom, but still no answer. Quickly running downstairs and out onto the garden patio she called out for Harold and got no answer. Now she was truly worried. He was not out of the woods yet and could still stuffer an 'episode'. He really shouldn't be out alone. In a panic, she called Sameen.

Sameen immediately knew the possible danger Harold was in. At first, she was at a loss of where to begin looking for him. Then she knew. She asked The Machine where Harold was, hoping that the Machine still kept track of its admin. Having this type of access to the Machine had been a new experience that she was enjoying more and more. She could hear Root's voice anytime she wanted or needed to. The Machine had explained it as 'God Mode'; access anytime, anywhere and the Machine was always there and always answered.

It did not take the Machine long to locate him. Giving Shaw the directions of where he was, the Machine added that urgency was advised. Following the texted instructions Shaw was surprised to end up in the park under the bridge where she had come back to the Team. Where John and Lionel and Harold had been waiting for her and Root. She recognized the bench where Harold had told her that he and John had first met. The Machine advised her that he was ok for the moment, and that he was alone. Sameen made a quick call to Iris to let her know she'd found Harold and that he was ok. The relief in Iris's voice mirrored what she herself was feeling. Iris asked how she had known where to go and if there was any significance to that location. Shaw ignored the question about how she knew where to look and answered her about the location. It all made sense to Iris. She explained why she thought Harold was there and to give him some space and some time.

Shaw saw Finch sitting alone on the bench facing the river and she waited patiently then slowly approached. She could tell he was talking but there was nobody there but him. As she eased closer, so could hear him and his words tore at her heart.

"I'm so sorry, John. I saved you from one life only to let you die in another. I wish you would have taken that money I offered you. You could have started a new life. Find that normal life we both yearned for. " Closing his eyes, tears ran down his cheeks.

"I wish I had never built the Machine. People I love died because of it. You, Nathan, Arthur, Root...I lost Grace because of it." he whispered.

"Who am I to think I could play God? Decide who lives who dies, who is good and who is bad. By what yardstick do we decide? I made things worse not better."

"I am so sorry John...and I can't even offer you an apology. There wasn't even anything to bury" he sobbed.

Shaw had heard enough. She made noise as she walked closer to Harold, so he would know she was there. She sat down next to him on the bench. Words were not exchanged nor were they needed. She could see the track of the tears on his face. Not knowing what to do or how to comfort him, she remembered something Root had done when they recovered her from SAM's clutches. Shaw reached for his hand and held it tight. Apparently that was the right thing to do at the right time. She could feel Harold physically relax.

She sat there for a long time, holding his hand. Her mind roiled, trying to figure out what could be done to help Harold deal with his grief and his guilt. John had made his own decision to sacrifice himself to save Harold. She knew John would never let anything happen to Harold. What he'd done had not surprised her considering what they were up against. She knew John wanted Harold to live and eventually find peace. All of them had seen how Harold struggled with the burden of what he had created. While they admired Harold for what he'd done, what he'd sacrificed to help the world; but all of them secretly wished he hadn't HAD to. If only Harold could have a normal life, then perhaps there was hope for them all.

Suddenly Shaw sat straight up, gripping Harold's hand so tight he made a grunt in pain. That's it! That's what Harold needed to do!

Turning toward Harold, she reached for his other hand and forced him to look at her.

"Harold, you can not bring John back. He is gone. He is dead. It was his choice. He would make that same choice over and over again if it meant you would live."

She had his attention. Now she need to drive home what he needed to do.

"Harold, don't let John have died for nothing. Do what he wanted you to do...live. Don't just exist. LIVE. Go to Grace. Go to Grace in Italy. Samaritan is gone and no longer a threat. There is no one left alive who knows anything about your part in building the Machine. The Machine is giving me the numbers and I'm working with Fusco. I've even had help from Logan Pierce in DC."

Before Harold could interrupt she pushed on. "Like you have always said, the numbers keep coming. Fusco and I are a pretty good team if I do say so myself. And the Machine talks to me in Root's voice, so it's like I still have part of her with me."