Authors note: So time for a new chapter… Lately my mind keeps drifting and I'm blaming it on the endless winter. But I hope I can stick to updating as often as I have for this fic. The lyrics and title are from the song 'Unsaid' by the Fray. Enjoy…
CHAPTER 11 - Leaving Some Things Unsaid
Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight
He always leaves the door to his home unlocked and as if it's not weird at all, Peyton walks right into Lucas' house without even knocking. She strolls through his spacious kitchen and flips the switch to the coffee maker, before continuing into his bedroom. And without waiting even a second she coldheartedly rips the blankets off of him.
He groans and tries to pull them back up but she has carelessly thrown them on the floor.
"What the fuck Peyton…" he mumbles but she just looks back at him, her arms crossed over her chest.
"It's freaking one o'clock Lucas. We were supposed to meet for lunch an hour ago."
Pretending not to hear her he buries his head even deeper into the pillows.
"Leave me alone Peyt… I'm hung over, I just wanna go back to sleep…"
This time he can literally hear the tense silence that fills the room and he bites his tongue. Why the hell had he said that?
"You're hung over? Did you drink last night?"
He doesn't answer but it's not really needed. Her questions are just asked to state her disappointment. He waits for the angry outburst soon to wash over him but it doesn't come. Instead she seems to watch him closely for a couple of seconds, and when satisfied she says;
"Kitchen in 5 minutes, preferably showered and dressed. We need to talk."
"Hell no" he grunts and turns his back towards her, but she just chuckles dryly.
"As I said Lucas, five minutes. Longer than that and I'm calling Haley."
Fuck. Haley would rip him to shreds.
But apparently Peyton's threats were idle, because when he enters the kitchen twenty minutes later she sits alone at the table. He scratches his neck tiredly and fills a mug with coffee before leaning towards the sink a few feet away from her.
"Look Peyt, I'm sorry… I totally forgot about lunch."
She sighs and shakes her head. "Come on, that's not why I'm disappointed and you know it. Drinking Lucas? I mean, how wise is that really?"
He sighs too, feeling guilty for more reasons than one.
"Don't worry. I just had a really bad night last night…"
"Brooke's presence is finally getting to you, huh?"
"No! God, what's with all of you?" he retorts loudly and slams his coffee-mug down on the counter. "First Nathan, then mom and Haley. And now you."
Peyton just watches him as if he's being a ridiculous child and he picks the mug back up and takes a sip to hide that he hates how they all try to look into his head. Wanting him to think about stuff that is off limits, forcing him to face sides of himself that he really doesn't want to face.
"You know I'm just worried," she finally says. "And so are everyone else. You've been sober for thirteen months Lucas. I just don't see why you would jeopardize that."
He spins the cup between his hands, not sure how to explain.
"Look, I broke up with Lindsey last night and it wasn't a nice experience. When I got home I went through some old stuff and I just really needed a drink…"
"Why'd you break up with Lindsey? I thought you liked her?"
The curly blonde looks shocked and he understands her.
"I do like her. I like her very much…" he says silently. Then he empties his mug of coffee and rubs the sleep out of his eyes with the back of his hand. "…just not enough I guess."
They're both quiet for a while. He's too tired to smalltalk and Peyton seems lost in her own thoughts. So he blankly stares out the window and when she finally talks, he almost jumps.
"Seriously, you do understand why I'm worried, right? I know you hate being reminded of it but you were a wreck last time you drank…"
He nods. He does understand.
"I'm not going back to that Peyton. I was in a really bad place back then and I'm good now. You don't have to worry. I can handle it."
She still looks sceptical and maybe it's not that strange. He had been a wreck and it had landed upon her, his mother, Haley and Nathan to pick up the pieces of his broken state. In return he hadn't said thank you. He hadn't even given them the explanation they all deserved. And he still hadn't.
Now he walks over to the table, sits down next to her and grabs her hand over the table.
"I mean it Peyton," he repeats. "I can handle it. Don't worry."
She blinks and looks down.
"The last time you told me not to worry was that night in New York when I told you I wanted to get back together with you. You turned me down, remember? And I asked you how I would ever find a guy like you… I also asked you if you thought I would ever have my friendship back with Brooke for real and you said not to worry, on both accounts."
Sighing, he rolls his eyes. He opens his mouth to answer but she continues.
"I'm still single, and don't worry, I heard what you said that night and I agree that we're much better as friends. But I'm just stating than you might be wrong when telling me not to worry. I haven't met guy even half as good as you and I've talked to Brooke three times in 18 months, last night included…"
He lets go of her hand now, suddenly annoyed with the turn their conversation is taking.
"Please don't start Peyt… I really don't want to talk about Brooke…"
Peyton clearly pouts and he feels like he's being teleported back to when they dated in high school. He hates the whiny version of his blonde friend so he starts to get up but then he hears her mumble "Fine… I just wish you'd tell me what happened…"
He looks away, feeling guilty. But he still doesn't want to talk about it.
He just can't.
-b-
Down by the beach walk it's crowded and busy. People are walking in and out of shops, enjoying the beautiful spring weather sitting outside cafés or just strolling down the promenade.
Brooke sits across from Owen at one of the table's outside Starbucks and she slowly sips a tall caramel latte with whipped crème. It's not halfway as good as the ones that Karen used to make, but with Karen's Café being redecorated as they spoke, this was as close as it would get.
The sweet hot liquid still tastes somewhat bitter but after last night she feels as though she has to try to move on for real. The small breakdown in Owen's old car had been strangely freeing, and at first she felt really ashamed, but Owen had just waited until she finished crying, found her some tissues in the glove-compartment and then brought her to a 24-hour open diner. And there, in a far off corner only seen by a fat truck-driver and a bored waitress, he had bought her pancakes and she had told him the story of hers and Lucas' complicated relationship, from beginning to end.
She told him about high school, about the tattoo and the letters. About Peyton and the cheating and about only having said 'I love you' to one boy. She even told him about their reunion in New York and about the accident.
She just left certain parts out.
He was a good listener. Just nodded when needed or asked encouraging questions when her voice cracked and her heart felt like it was breaking. And when she needed distraction and time to breath he joked or told her anecdotes about his own life.
Most of all, he didn't push her, and when the diner started to fill up with breakfast-guests he took her back to her hotel to give her the choice of crawling into bed for well needed sleep. But that's when it all had gone a little overboard.
She had actually been back to laughing at that point, already feeling comfortable in his company, and when they got out of the elevator on the top floor, giggling like high school kids, she hadn't been prepared to be blinded by bright flashes.
Within the matter of seconds she felt like she had been thrown back to her life in New York.
"Ms Davis!"
"Who's the guy Brooke? Is he the reason to why you're back in Tree Hill?"
"Why have you been hiding?"
"Ms Davis, look this way! Hey dude, what's your name?"
She sighed and looked at Owen, who had frozen in his spot beside her, looking completely shocked. She wanted to tell him to cover his face to not end up in every gossip magazine in the country, but she knew it was already too late.
"Sorry…" she mumbled silently, and he finally snapped out of his daze and shook his head. Then he gently grabbed her elbow.
"Not your fault, Brooke" he said and then simple led her back into the still open elevator before shielding the entrance from the reporters with his free arm.
As the elevator doors closed she could still hear the rapidly asked questions and she sighed deeply.
"Owen, I think we may need your car…"
She remembers thinking that Rachel would have been proud at the way her new friend had handled the situation. He had gotten her out of there quickly, managed to not say anything stupid and he had been calm. Calmer then she had been herself.
And since her option of sleeping had been pretty much crossed out, he instead offered her his bed and added that he'd take the couch. Although the though of going to bed alone without popping sleeping pills felt as far away possible from what she wanted, so instead she took a shower in his tiny bathroom, borrowed one of his sweaters, and then, almost two hours ago, they had walked down here to hide away in the tourist-crowd.
"Aren't you tired?" she asks him now and licks some milk-foam from her spoon.
"Me?"
He shrugs and smiles a crooked boyish smile. "Naw… I'm a bartender, remember? I'm used to working nights and skipping sleep."
He doesn't return the question. It would be unnecessary since she's already told him that she doesn't sleep that much. Instead he watches her closely and takes a sip of his grape-soda.
"Can I ask you something, Brooke?"
"Sure."
"How come you decided to tell me all this? I mean, I see why you didn't tell Lucas… there's obviously still lots of issues between you guys. But why didn't you tell one of your friends?"
Now she is the one shrugging.
"Honestly, I don't know. But I think it was partly just because you were there at the right time, you know?"
"And because you don't know me…" he says, nodding. "I guess it's easier sometimes."
She's just about to say that he's probably right, although she really feels as though she does know him. But her cell phone starts ringing and she picks it up instead, and as soon as she says 'hello' Rachel's voice comes booming through the receiver.
"What the hell Brooke!? How could you NOT tell me you were in fucking Tree Hill!?"
"Uhm…"
Shit. Busted.
She has known that this would come sooner or later. Actually she's pretty surprised that it's taken this long. However, after this morning's run in with the media she has basically been counting down the seconds. And now that Rachel has found out, she doesn't know how to respond to the redhead's anger. She knows she should have just told her, and that Rachel has all the right in the world to be disappointed and pissed off.
"I'm sorry…" she mumbles. "I just needed a break… I needed to seehim."
"Him? As in Lucas? Or maybe you mean Owen McAllister, huh? God!"
Rachel's voice is filled with frustration. "Damn it Brooke, don't tell me you've gone down there and done something stupid… How long have you been there? Philip said you left Cabo weeks ago. And now I have press calling every fucking second, wanting to know what the hell the head of Clothes over Bros is doing hiding in a small town in North Carolina!"
She sighs. She wants to tell Rachel everything that's happened lately but she figures she can do that later when she's not with Owen. Owen has after all listened to her long enough.
"I've been here fifteen days" she mutters quietly. "But it's not what you think Rach… I'm doing business down here too. I bought Karen's café and the contractors started the renovation yesterday… When they're done we can branch out down here…"
Owen is watching her from across the table and he gives her a smile probably meant to comfort her, because everybody in a six miles radius can hear the next outburst coming from her cell phone.
"I'm working my ass off to keep everything running smoothly here in New York, and you're down there remodelling cafés? Seriously Brooke! Do you even understand how worried I've been? What are you doing right now? And what the hell were you doing in a hotel corridor at seven o'clock in the morning with Owen?"
She smiles back apologetically towards the brown haired, brown eyed bartender. Then she thinks of something.
"How did know that his name is Owen McAllister, Rach? I didn't even know that myself, and Owen didn't say a word to the reporters..."
There's a three seconds silence on the line and then Rachel yells so loudly that even the people inside Starbuck's probably hears her.
"Because I used to date him! Because the fucking asshole was my firstboyfriend!"
She looks at Owen again and as her jaw falls, she can see him go pale and he mouths "Rachel Gatina?"
Oh shit.
We're both pretty sure
Neither one can tell
We seem difficult
What we got is hard as hell
Lucas turns the volume up on the car-stereo and backs out of his driveway. Peyton had finally left, after going on and on about the stupidity of drinking, and he had barely had time to change before he had to leave to go meet Nathan.
Today is River court day. Even though he's still hung over and not at all in the mood. But if he told Nathan that, then there would be hell to pay, especially if he added the empty bottle of Johnny Walker from last night to that conversation.
He changes the station on the radio and sighs as 'Konstantine' by Something Corporate fills the confined space of the car. Lately his music-collection has shrunken considerably. There's just so many songs that ruins his mood nowadays, songs that are making him restless and irritated.
He flips the station once more and finally settles for an aggressive rap-song. His brother's choice of music sucks, but at least it doesn't give him that ill feeling.
It's humid and rather warm outside, and he rolls the window down and watches the scenery pass by. He wonders how Lindsey is doing today. If she's sad or angry, and if he somehow could have saved last night's situation and made it easier on her. And even though he knows on the inside that the answer to that question is no, he still feels as if he should have tried. She definitely deserved better than to get slapped in the face by his bad judgement.
Passing by Tree Hill High, he thinks of Lindsey's sad face when he left her apartment, and he adds hurting the blonde to the list of reasons to why he's angry with Brooke. Another reason already on that list is that he nowadays has to drive twice as long to get a decent cup of coffee.
He had walked passed his mom's old café last night and it was already empty apart from construction-material and buckets of paint. According to Haley they had already started rebuilding.
So now he has to take the longer road down towards the beachwalk and Starbuck's to get coffee. And just as he parks outside, he sees the girl that's been occupying his thoughts. She's sitting at one of the tables outside the entrance, and as she throws her head back and laughs, he freezes and just stares.
Brooke and that guy. That bartender from last night.
He gets out of the car and slams the door shut loudly, making the guests at the outside terrace turn and look at him. Most loose interest instantly, but one pair of eyes sticks glued to his.
The shy and somewhat guarded smile on Brooke's face makes the guy turn as well, and for some reason this annoys him beyond words. Suddenly his bad mood becomes straight up rotten and he finds himself stopping right next to their table.
"Hi Lucas" she says still smiling, but to him it looks forced and plastic. "You and Lindsey both disappeared last night and I didn't get a chance to say good bye."
The sun breaks through and as if just to mock him, she looks even more beautiful. Without makeup and dressed in last night's short denim skirt and a big hoody, she looks like his Brooke, not like that fashion designer he doesn't know.
Watching as she pulls her hands deep into the sleeves of the sweater, he realizes that it's much too big to belong to her, and he mutters: "We cut the night short."
His eyes then travel over to the bartender before he continues in an icy tone "…but your night seems to still be very much in progress. Tell me Brooke, who's your friend?"
The dark haired guy extends his hand, saying "Hi. I'm Owen", but he just shakes his head disbelievingly and walks in to get coffee. He can feel Brooke's disappointed gaze burning holes in the back of his head but he doesn't care. And when he returns five minutes later, the table that she had been sitting at is occupied by an old lady with a dog.
He gets back into his car and drives towards the River Court, and all the way there he busies himself with pretending that he doesn't wonder how and where Brooke had spent the night.
A hundred thousand words
could not quite explain
"I can't believe I almost hooked up with Rachel's ex…" Brooke giggles and picks up a shell from the beach. "Can you believe that Hales? God, the world is soo small."
Haley laughs and shields her eyes from the sun with her hand. It's late afternoon now, Owen has gone back to work his evening shift at Tric, and she had met up Haley and James down on the beach for a walk before it was time to head home and prepare dinner.
"Yeah, I agree…" Haley mumbles before shouting; "Jamie! Stay out of the water, baby. It's still too cold!"
James is just a little blonde dot in the distance and she can't help but smile when he runs back and forth like a tiny ball of energy. And the water might be cold, but the air is not. It's April now, almost May, and she's glad that Haley had brought her a t-shirt along with the big sunglasses she had asked for. It had been nice to get out of Owens big sweater. Not only because she was sweating in it, but because it reminded her too much of the grey old hoody hanging in the back of her closet at home in New York.
A stolen sweater from a past long gone.
"Thanks for letting me crash at your house tonight Tutor-mom, my hotel is gonna be a war-zone the next couple of days. Are you sure that Nathan won't mind though?"
Haley turns her attention back to her and laughs.
"When has my husband ever minded having you around Tigger? Huh? Plus, our house has paparazzi-secured gates. The reporters can't bug you there so just stay as long as you like. Jamie's going to be so thrilled tomorrow when he wakes up and finds that you're still around."
There's a long silence and they walk side by side down the sandy beach to keep up with the little boy. She knows that Haley is used to having the media in her life since Nathan gets his fair share of press coverage, but it still feels as if she's bringing all this crap with her into their rather peaceful life.
Not only Haley's and Nathan's, but Lucas' as well. And for the first time during her little over two week long stay, she actually thinks about the way she's complicating his life. It's more than clear that he doesn't want her here. Not at all.
The hopes that she had nourished that they might be able to sit down and actually talk seems small to none, especially after the way he had acted earlier with Owen.
"Just tell me if I'm in the way…" she stresses, before squatting down and opening her arms to catch the tiny blond whirlwind running towards her. And as the little boy slams into her chest and knocks her over into the sand, she starts laughing.
Being around her godson is like band-aids for her soul.
But suffice it to say
We're leaving things unsaid
It's late afternoon when Lucas pulls his sweater over his head in frustration and throws it on the old picnic table. Nathan is beating his ass triple-fold, which isn't that weird since Nathan is a NBA-player and he himself just plays the occasional pick-up game for fun. But sometimes it annoys him. They used to be equals, before the stupid heart disease. Before everything.
He used to be able to keep up. But lately he doesn't.
"Damn it!" he lets out angrily after missing yet another three point shot on a basically open basket. "What the fuck is wrong with me?"
Nathan pauses. "Maybe you should take it a little easy Luke. When was your last HCM-check up?"
His brother's careful question makes him even more annoyed. He's not a child, or a freaking cripple. He's just lost his game. Just like he has lost his ability to write, and some days even his drive to get out of bed.
"Stop pampering me," he mutters. "I'm fine." And Nathan simply shrugs and keeps bouncing the ball, obviously unwilling to pass it up.
"You sure? You've been a bit 'off' lately. Is everything okay with the girlfriend?"
"We broke up, so it's freaking peachy! Pass the ball!"
By now Nathan looks at him funny and has even stopped dribbling.
"What the hell's wrong with you Luke? Your mood-swings are worse then Haley's when she was pregnant… This break-up, is this by any chance Brooke-related?"
He stops dead. He had totally forgotten about Nathan's drunken outburst last night.
"You DO love her! I know that look man! You haven't had that look in like forever…"
"I told you last night and I'm telling you now…" he mutters, "You're delirious…"
The Brooke he loved is gone. Has been for a long time, and he's not thinking about her anymore. Brooke is his past and he's living in the present. She might have been part of why he fucked up his relationship with Lindsey, but she has certainly nothing to do with his bad mood or his inability to play ball.
But Nathan just sighs and finally shoots.
"Whatever man. Whatever…"
Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right…
A couple of days pass.
Brooke's getting a hang of this now, to not run into him. To concentrate on the 'bigger' things like going back to running her company, even if it's over the phone from a smalltown in North Carolina. Or making sure that the contractors do their job with remodelling the store and help take James to his soccer-practice.
She moves back to her hotelroom and finally deals with the reporters camping in the hallway. Hands them the story Rachel has drawn up of why she's here, and she gets of easy with just a couple of assumptions about her and Owen in the gossip-column. She's even nice enough to pose for some pictures with Peyton at one of her record signings just to show that she's not hiding anything.
Peyton seems pleased, and even though they've yet to have the 'talk' Peyton wanted, it's at least easier to hang out with her former best friend now. To not pretend.
But of course not about everything.
She runs into Lindsey once in the supermarket but the blonde girl turns and leaves before she has the time to say 'hello' and she figures it's for the best. Figures that the less she sees of Lucas' girlfriend, the easier it is to pretend that she doesn't exist. And she'll be going back to New York soon either way. At least that's what she has promised Rachel who slaves to keep her mother from taking over and making a mess.
Another two weeks, then she has to be back in New York to walk the runway in the Victoria's Secret Show. And to not show up to that is really not an option.
She doesn't have that much time to hang out with her new friend Owen, but at least they meet up for coffee once, and when Nathan and Haley trade her company for a well deserved night alone, he takes her to dinner at a really crappy pizza-place. It turns out to be a fun night. It really does. It just reminds her a little too much of her high school days.
But tonight, when she's decided to meet the girls at Tric, she's more than happy that Owen will be around if things get as weird as it had last time.
And just as promised, he greets her as soon as she steps through the door, and his wide smile is comforting. He has a rough streak, with his five o'clock shadow and his mischievous crooked smile, but he has kind eyes. Searching eyes that in a lot of ways remind her of Lucas' although Owens are brown, not blue.
And when she hugs him, safely wrapped in strong arms, she spots Lucas over his shoulder for the first time since he stepped up to her at Starbucks. And he doesn't look as pissed as he had then, but his blue eyes are following their every movement, and his gaze is dark.
"Busy night…" she mumbles to Owen over the loud music and scans the interior of the club.
She curses inwardly. In a way she had really hoped Lucas wouldn't be here, because seeing him with his new blonde girl makes acting happy so much harder. She can't spot Lindsey yet but she could be anywhere in the crowd. It's pretty much a full house and the line to the bar seems never ending.
She pulls back a bit, smiles and asks "Don't you have to work?"
But Owen laughs and gives her a last squeeze before letting go.
"Nah… they can wait. All your friends seem to be here. And since I knew you were gonna come by, I cleared my schedule a bit for later. I figured you might need some back-up. I mean since your relationship withhim…"He nods in the direction of Lucas "…seems a bit complicated…"
"Yeah, about that… I'm sorry you got in the way of his pissy attitude the other day. We, well…"
"Have a history? You told me. It's alright though, you're worth it."
He winks at her, but with a serious undertone. Sighing, she thanks him and he grabs her hand and leads her over to the tables in the back where Haley and Peyton are sitting with some friends of theirs.
"Delivering one Brooke Davis" he says and smiles towards her friends. Then he turns to face her and says in a much lower voice; "I gotta go work for a bit, but if you need me, you know where I'll be, right?"
She nods and gives him a quick hug before plopping down next to Haley.
"Where's tutor-baby?" she says and takes a sip from her friend's wineglass. "I mean, although I enjoy the company of my handsome godson, I think he's a little young to go club-hopping…"
"He's at home with Nathan. He said I deserved a night out with you guys. It's been a while since it was just us girls…"
"Yeah."
Haley half-smiles, looking a little sad. "I don't really know…it might be because you two have been acting like estranged cousins the last year and a half…" Then she laughs and shrugs. "Sorry for being all mushy… I'm just so glad to have you both home. It's been weird without my best friends."
Peyton smiles and she feels herself smile too. But then Haley has to go ruin it with saying;
"But talking about avoiding people. What is up with you avoiding Lucas like the plague? You know you're hurting him, right? He said something about a run-in at Starbuck's?"
Haley. Always the do-gooder. And even though it's impossible for her friend to know exactly how much that last comment hurts her, she's still annoyed. Because she's avoiding Lucas for a reason, not because she wants to. She's doing it because the alternative might break her completely, since he clearly doesn't want her around. And still, avoiding her blond ex like she has for the last couple of weeks is harder then she ever thought it would be.
So she looks away and mumbles; "I'm not avoiding him… we're just not that close anymore… plus, he has Lindsey."
At this Peyton stops her conversation with the girl next to her and looks at Brooke.
"Actually… they broke up."
"What?"
She sits dumbstruck, not at all prepared for this.
"Yeah. It's been over basically since you came back, probably even before that. But they broke up officially a week ago. The night when Fall Out Boy played here, remember?"
The night she almost slept with Owen.
The night when Lucas had said that he'd never stopped thinking about her, but also that he had moved on...
"Why didn't you tell me?"
She feels weird now. Lately she's been so wrapped up in her own issues that she's hardly talked to her friends. And hers and Peyton's friendship had been next to non existent the last year so she doesn't blame her, but she still feels like Haley should have told her this. Since she's never told Peyton about everything that happened last fall, Peyton couldn't possibly know what this means to her. But Haley should. In the back of her head Haley had always known.
"I, personally, think its good," Haley says and rolls her eyes. "Really. They should never have gotten together in the first place. Lucas wasn't ready for that type of commitment. I told him that, Nathan told him… even Mouth. But it was a safe choice I guess."
Peyton nods and then stands up and runs a hand through her curls. "I'm going to get something to drink. Want anything?"
Still a bit confused at the news of the golden couple breaking up, Brooke just nods. Maybe alcohol is just what she needs. And when Peyton leaves for the bar she turns towards Haley completely.
"But Hales…" she says, suddenly feeling even more confused. "If Nathan is at home and Luke broke up with Lindsey, then why is Lucas standing in the bar alone and not sitting here with you guys?"
Haley frowns.
"What do you mean? Lucas is here? Where?"
Everywhere, she thinks but she doesn't answer. Lucas Scott is fucking everywhere…
And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
He doesn't even know what he's doing here.
He should be at Nathan's house, having a 'guys-night' with his brother and nephew, but instead he's at Tric, standing in the bar alone like a complete loser. He's drinking again. And this time he can't say it's a one-time-thing or a moment of bad judgement, because it had been a conscious choice. He had walked in here two hours ago, and on his own he had walked up to the bar and ordered a double whiskey. Now, he's upped that amount of drinks with three more.
He knows that Brooke is in the club too. He saw her when she arrived and drink number two was downed twice as quickly as number one when he saw the bartender-guy greet her at the door.
Owen seemed to have trailed Brooke everywhere the last couple of days and Lucas angrily downs a couple of gulps of his fourth drink when seeing her lean over the bar to smack Owens arm playfully. According to Nathan, Brooke had been on a date with the guy the other night, apparently at an Italian restaurant, and on Wednesday he saw them on Starbucks again.
And truthfully, it's not only the jealousy he feels whenever he sees the close bond they seem to be building. It's also the way Owen touches her. Softly, protectively. Almost in a caressing manner, which makes him feel like Owen isn't just in this competition for Brooke's body. He's in it for her heart. And this is a feeling that has him scared shitless, that makes him retract even further into himself.
Although tonight he has turned towards his friends 'Jim Beam' and 'José Cuervo'. What had been planned to be 'one' drink had now turned into a full drinking-spree, figuring that it would be easier if he was drunk. But it seems to be failing since seeing Brooke laugh with Owen just keeps pulling out the worst in him. Makes him want to wipe the smirk off of the bartender's face and the dimples off of Brooke's.
And when she happens to pass him in the bar a moment later, probably heading for the ladies room, he grabs her arm.
A half-smirk crosses his face as he sees the insecure expression on her that he's evoking. For reasons unknown to him he feels like being mean. Make her crumble and stop being so fucking perfect and emotionless.
He pulls her body flush against his, his smirk growing, and he whispers:
"Give it up, Brooke."
Her eyes snap up, boring into his. The insecure face turning into more of a questioning one. There is irritation showing in her eyes as well and it triggers him even more.
"Give up the fucking charade," he continues in an almost cruel tone. "Just tell me what you came here for. Why Tree Hill? Why Now?"
She tries to push him away, but he turns and holds her firmly between the counter of the bar and his own body.
"Just say it" he spits through clenched teeth, suddenly realizing that there is more than anger he's feeling. Her body is too close to his own and lust is clouding over his brain. He concentrates on her mouth, wetting his own lips with his tongue unconsciously and he knows that he's not supposed to want her. He's not supposed to be aching to touch her. But he does. And he is.
"Let me go Lucas" she says coldly, but her voice isn't coming out quite as determined as she probably would like.
"No" he says simply, before he slams against her, crashing his lips against hers and kissing her hard while pushing her up against the edge of the bar even more. She resists for a moment before giving in and granting him entrance to her mouth. Inwardly he groans as his tongue slips inside.
The kiss last less than five seconds, but it's enough to kill him. To make every single kiss from the past wash over him like a tidal wave.
Then she suddenly breaks loose.
"Seriously" she hisses and presses her hands hard against his chest so that he has to back away. "Let. Me. Go."
Okay, so maybe he shouldn't have kissed her. And maybe he shouldn't act like an ass when around her. But her indifference is driving him insane and for a second when he kissed her he saw emotion, so now he wants to provoke more. Force her to feel.
"Then tell me" he pushes. "Tell me what you're doing back in Tree Hill! I can't relax when you're everywhere I go…"
She looks hurt now, but it's only for a second. Had he blinked then he would have missed it. But even now that he's taken a step back, she's still locked in the space between him and the bar and he grabs the counter on each side of her when she doesn't meet his eyes.
"Business. It's just for business…" she mumbles.
He mocks hurt in a sarcastic way, still without letting go of her, and says:
"Sure Brooke. So what does business mean to you? What's your plan? You wanna have a quick drunk fuck and then leave again? Well, I'm in.We can do it right here..."
He leans in again, in attempt to once again trap her with his kiss. Own her with his mouth. But then a hand grabs his shoulder and pulls him back.
"What the hell, man!? Get off her!"
He turns his head slowly and the darkhaired bartender stares back at him with eyes full of anger, but he just shrugs him off. The guy has nothing to do with this. He doesn't know.
"Fuck off!"
He turns his eyes back towards Brooke and is actually surprised to see her bottom lip trembling. She looks at him and at first he can't really read the expression on her face. Where had he seen it before? It takes maybe just a fragment of a second but then it hits him; She looks scared.
He is scaring her.
This time he takes the step back voluntarily but as soon as he does, a fist collides with his jaw, making him stumble back and almost fall. Another jab comes right after the first one and he doesn't even have time to find his balance so this time he hits the floor.
It hurts like hell but not from the punches Owen has just thrown.
It hurts because Brooke still looks frightened, and because she seeks comfort behind Owen's back.
Not that you're the one
Not to say I'm right
Not to say today
And not to say a thing tonight
"You okay Brooke?"
She must have zoned out because Owen watches her closely, and if Peyton wasn't standing there too she'd probably say "No". But the curly blonde girl that has known her for so many years has no clue about how complicated the situation is, and she really doesn't want to explain it either. So she simply shrugs and nods.
"Yeah, I'm alright…"
"He didn't hurt you, right?" Peyton asks, and for a girl that had first yelled at Owen for punching Lucas, she looked rather concerned. As if tiny pieces of a puzzle are being pieced together in that blond curly head, and the thought of that scares her.
"No…"
Maybe she should have made her response a little stronger. Now both the blonde girl and the brown-haired boy look back at her sceptically and she feels uncomfortable as it is, so she looks away.
"You want me to take you home?" Owen asks with an even softer voice and she nods again.
Peyton looks a bit hurt but she can't bare sitting in a car alone with Peyton right now. She'd have to explain why Lucas had behaved the way he did and why he practically called her a whore, and frankly she doesn't even know herself. His sudden outburst threw her off completely. Since she got back to Tree Hill he had hardly offered her more than a nod or a shrug of his shoulders so she really hadn't expected that kiss.
At first she had just been unsure of how to react, but she had never seen him act this way before and the coldness actually scared her. And she guesses that Lucas really hadn't expected to get punched in the face and find that both Peyton and Haley had been watching the whole scene…
But even after he had collected himself, he hadn't even looked like her Lucas. He had looked like somebody completely different. Someone angry and detached. Someone she doesn't even know.
"Can we walk back?" she says silently, "I think I need some air…"
-l-
They don't say a single word to each other on the way to his house, and once they are parked and inside the front door Haley just points in the direction of the living room and hisses: "Go sit!" She disappears into the kitchen and Lucas slumps down on the couch and sighs.
He feels like shit. Can't get the expression on Brooke's face out of his mind, and he rubs his temples.
He had promised her that he'd never hurt her on purpose, and tonight he did.
It's late, probably around two o'clock in the morning and it's quiet outside. He gets up and walks over to the big glass doors facing the garden and pulls them open. Early summer-night air fills the room and he breathes in deeply in an effort to clean himself on the inside and to sober up. Because as memories comes back to haunt him, he needs the sobriety to 'feel'. He needs it to punish himself.
And what better way to do that then to think back to that night in New York…
Truthfully, he had lied to Brooke back when he told her that he didn't remember much of their night together after his book release party.
He remembered every single second.
It was just that back then it felt weird to say it because she had hardly remembered anything, and after the accident he had just tried to force himself to forget. But in all honesty he never did. And just by that forced 5 second-long kiss he had now opened Pandora's box.
As Haley slams an ice-pack in front of him on the table and angrily stomps out of the room again he rests his face in his arms and lets himself succumb to it. Lets himself think back for the first time in over a year.
It hurts like hell, but he needs it.
She looked like a dream come true, rested against the wall of that house in Greenwich Village. Her hair blowing in the breeze and her cheeks a little flushed from the alcohol and maybe from suddenly being so close to him. And he couldn't help himself.
It was crazy, not thought through at all, and he had probably expected her to slap him across the face, but once his lips met hers every coherent thought went flying out the window.
Then his tongue met hers and slow, so freaking slow, they did what had always come so natural between them.
They kissed.
He cupped her face with his free hand and then slid his fingers down her cheek, along her neck and further down her collarbone, and just when he was about to pull her closer and pick up the pace of the tantalizing experience, she pulled away. Pushed him backwards.
"No Luke…" she said and closed her eyes. "Don't…"
He squinted and tried to collect himself but his mind refused to co-operate. The kiss still had all his senses going on overdrive.
"Why?" he asked, and she sighed.
"Because you're hurting Luke… You're in denial because Peyton just said "no" to your proposal. But kissing me will only make matters worse, trust me…"
She looked calm, drunk still, but calm. And he wondered how she could be. His own heart was beating so fast in his chest that it felt like it would thump right through his shirt.
"Peyton has nothing to do with this…" he mumbled. "This is you and me Brooke."
"It doesn't work that way and you know it. Someone will get hurt…"
She was still mere centimeters away and he moved in again. Refused to listen to her attempts of reason.
"I'd never hurt you Brooke."
His lips caught hers in another kiss and she let out something that sounded like a mix between a moan and a sigh of despair. He pulled her closer and when he felt her trying to back up, into the brick wall, he pulled back.
"I mean it… I'd NEVER hurt you on purpose" he whispered, still feeling her hot breath against his face. "Never…"
And this time when their lips crashed together, it was her who closed the gap.
She continued it, he thinks as he sits back up and puts the icepack against his bruised jaw. After he had made the promise that was now officially broken, she had kissed him back and she had wanted him too.
And this is what pains him the most. That at that point, that night, he had her. She had been his then, just like she had for a while in high school and that first night after she woke up in the hospital.
But somewhere after that he must have misread her, because now she's far from his, and just like during the first months after he had left Brooke in New York, he's now back to analyzing what the hell it was that had gone wrong. He had really though she felt it. The connection between them. And tonight, for a split second when he kissed her, he saw the same thing in her eyes. At least until he opened his mouth and said those things.
He winces as the cold from the icepack stings on his bruised skin. The bartender-guy had a pretty good right hook. And not that he didn't deserve it… However angry he's been at Brooke lately, he knows he went too far.
Right now it's probably not even stretching it to say that she hates him. But that doesn't mean that he can't still remember…
And we are leaving some things unsaid
And we are breathing deeper instead
And we are leaving some things unsaid
Brooke hugs Owen goodbye in the lobby to her hotel and she knows that he's watching her as she walks to the elevator and steps inside, pushing the top-floor button.
She knows that he's worried. He had asked her several times as they walked back from Tric if she wanted him to come with her upstairs, but she had declined. She needs the time alone, because she feels more confused than ever.
She needs to think about the kiss. And about the fact that she kissed him back when she shouldn't have. Again.
Saying that she doesn't want him would be a lie, and she had longed for him to reach out to her for almost 18 months, but tonight when she had let him kiss her, it had been in the wrong way. He kissed her to punish her.
He kissed her because he held all the power. Because he could make her do anything, even when it was wrong...
She opens the door to her suite with her card-key and flips the light switch. The spacious room suddenly bathes in light and it just feels wrong, so she turns it off again.
It's been almost two years. 21 months and 6 days to be exact. But she knows that she had been the one to make it happen when they slept together. Sure, he had kissed her. But she had been the one to take it further. She had tried to be valiant at first and she had told him that it was wrong, but once his lips were reconnected with hers the second time, outside that house in Greenwich Village, she knew she had to have him.
So for once she had just gone with it. Followed her gut-feeling.
The boyish innocent look was back in his eyes for a second as she pulled her hand out from under his shirt and intertwined her fingers with his. He looked lost but she pressed her lips against his again and whispered;
"I live three blocks away…"
The cab ride was just a blur of feelings and kisses and heat and she was never even aware of paying the driver or of being in the elevator.
Then they were suddenly inside her apartment and by then they were stumbling over each other. Hands and lips everywhere and nowhere at all. Grasping to rid of clothes, fingers tangled in hair and skin aching to feel skin.
For a couple of minutes they got stuck in the hallway, him pressing her body flush against the wall underneath the coat rack, and she winced as a hanger dug into her back. Then she pulled his shirt over his head and he gasped for air as her lips trailed wet kisses along his naked chest.
She should've closed her eyes, because deep inside she knew even in her drunken state that this was wrong. But she just couldn't. She needed to look at him, drink in the dark blue in his eyes as he watched her. Kissed her. Devoured her…
"Come on…" she whispered and pulled him further into the apartment, "Come here…"
They kept stumbling towards what he thought must be her bedroom. The dress she wore was hiked up around her waist and her skin felt hot against his hands. Her thighs, toned as ever. Smooth, lean… like peaches. And her ass, a roundness that seemed to fit perfectly in his hands.
He tried to take it slower, tried stilling his beating heart to be able to get the dress off of her completely, but she kept kissing him and his head was spinning dangerously fast.
"I need you" he breathed out, licking his way up her neck, and now when she moaned, the sound of despair was long gone. Instead he heard the same wonderful sexy sound that had made him almost faint so many times in the past. And he wanted her to do it again so he ushered;
"I need to feel you, hear you…"
"Lucas!"
It's not Brooke's voice. Not the raspy wonderful sound from the memories, and he looks up, confused and somewhat startled by the sound and realizes that Haley is back in the living room.
He sighs and waits for the rest of the angry outburst that he knows will come.
"I just talked to Brooke, and even though she seems okay, I swear, if you as much as go near her again I will personally be throwing the next punch, hopefully breaking your nose in the process!" She waves her hands frustratingly around her. "What the HELL happened back there Lucas? I heard what you said to her, and that was not cool!"
"I don't know, okay! I don't know what happened!"
"God!"
She blows out air through her nose like a furious dragon and if it weren't for the situation, he'd probably be laughing. Haley has always had a temper.
"What is your problem Luke? Really! Brooke is like you freaking Achilles heal or something. First you love her and then you go for Peyton, then you go back to Brooke and when she dumps you, you propose to her best friend! She ends up in the hospital and you act like it's your freaking soulmate lying in that bed… that is until she turns you away and you act like your insides have been ripped out, refusing to ever mention her again!"
He tries to break through but Haley is still on the warpath.
"No Luke! You were fine. You did good for a whole year, and okay, I wasn't that keen on Lindsey, but you were moving on! You stopped drinking and you started writing again…"
His head is in his hands again now and he mutters: "I didn't write… not a single page…"
But it's as if Haley doesn't hear him.
"Now Brooke is back and you just crash? You were an asshole tonight Lucas. How could you say stuff like that to her? You made it sound like she was some prostitute. And you used to LOVE her, remember? Or am I the only one with a functioning memory around here? What could she ever have done to deserve being treated like that?"
He can't listen to her. Even though the glass-doors are still open he wants, needs, more air.
"She didn't love me back!" he yells and Haley finally shuts up and just stares. "I hate her because she wouldn't love me back…"
-b-
It's almost 2.30 now and she's been pacing back and forth for an hour at least.
"You wanna have a quick drunk fuck and then leave again?"
What had he meant by that? Leave? She had never left him. He left her.
That night in the hospital she had told him to leave, but it was his choice, and just like before he didn't choose her. She only did what she thought was best for him and he had promised to never leave her again. She heard him clearly, several times while she was waking up from her unconsciousness, but it seemed like neither wishes nor promises meant much in the world of Lucas Scott. After all, it hadn't been the first time he said it. He said it that night in her New York apartment too…
"God, I've missed you so much Brooke… Why did I ever let you go?"
She pushed him back against the bed and he pulled her in between his knees and buried his face against her skin. She threw her head back and relished the way he touched her, palmed her breasts and kissed her bellybutton.
Her dress was gone now, lost somewhere in the living room, and his hands feverishly roamed her body, making her knees weak and her breath hitch in her throat. And up until then she had still thought she could stop this, but when he pulled her down to straddle him and his mouth once again found hers, she gave that thought up once and for all.
Instead she found herself wishing that he'd grab her harder, hold her closer. That he'd somehow mark her as his. Because in all honesty, she had wanted this all night. Ever since she first saw him at the book-party. Maybe even longer.
"I'm not doing it again" he breathed against her neck as she grasped handfuls of his hair, "I swear, I'm not letting you go…"
His erection rubbed against her through the thin fabric of her panties and she was so wet for him. He pulled her with him backwards, down onto the soft bed and rolled them around so he could watch her.
She pulled at his boxers, still wanting him to continue, and he just wanted to slow it all down and make it last for a hundred lifetimes. To be able to watch her lying under him with her eyes full of lust and her lips bruised and red from his kisses.
Then they were suddenly both naked and as he pushed himself inside her he didn't even think about the fact that they were unprotected. Not until he heard her breath out;
"We need protection Luke… I'm not on the pill anymore…"
Up until that point he had always seen himself as a responsible person. One that thought about things before doing them. But he kept moving inside her without any want to stop and think.
"I'll stop in time…" he had whispered "don't worry baby…"
And he meant it, because seeing her beautiful face so filled with pleasure, and feeling her body respond to his every move or touch, just made him feel complete. Her walls started cramping around him and he knew that in seconds she would bring him with her over the edge.
And that's when he had said it. As he came he said the words that he never did confess to when the sun was up and she kept yelling at him that what they had done was wrong. The words he never once regretted…
Haley still stares at him. Frozen. And at first he thinks that he scared her too with his sudden outburst about Brooke never loving him back. But she frowns in that typical Haley-esque way and he knows she's just thinking. Putting pieces together.
"Maybe she never knew you felt like that…" she says, now a considerable amount calmer than she had been just minutes ago. "I mean, do you remember what I told you that night in the hospital? Brooke needed to know that you were done with Peyton, once and for all… She needed you to decide. I told you to tell her that you loved her, remember?"
And he sighs.
"I did tell her, Hales. She just doesn't remember. And it doesn't matter anymore…"
We sing ourselves to sleep
Watching the day lie down instead
Brooke is in bed now. She's undressed, her make-up is washed off and she's ready for sleep. But sleep won't come.
He's everywhere tonight. In the room. In the air. In her mind, heart and soul. And she doesn't want him there, not when his eyes tonight had told her that all he felt was anger.
She turns and hugs the big pillow, pressing her face into the starched white cotton in a last effort to shut it all out. The memories, the sounds and smells and tastes. But it's useless. His voice is still as clear as ever in her head.
"I'll stop in time…" he had whispered "don't worry baby…"
And she didn't worry. The only thought that filled her head was that he was so close to her that she couldn't even tell anymore where her skin ended and his began. The heat pooled down low in her belly and she gasped loudly as she felt herself shuddering with the start of her orgasm.
He held her even closer, before falling over the edge and coming inside her, and somewhere deep in her mind she knew that it was all so careless of them to not use protection. But there was no time. There was only time for the want and need and complete heartbreaking hunger.
And then came those words from his lips that she hadn't even allowed herself to remember the morning after. A beautifully slow and raspy whisper.
"I love you Brooke… I've always loved you…"
She shuts her eyes hard for a couple of seconds before going over to her toilet bag to find her emergency kit. She finds the right box and pops two sleeping pills out of their plastic containers before swallowing them without even getting a glass of water. Then she turns the TV on and settles for a loud and colorful comedy on channel 5.
She can't think more tonight.
She can't…
I can sing myself to sleep
No more…
No more
Authors note: So my favorite girls and boy… That's all for this chapter. But more to come soon…
It's very late, and although I want to write personal thank you's as usual, I just can't. I hope that you all still know how grateful I am. A special thank you goes out to a few people though, for keeping my mood up and for generally just being amazing. Michaela, Emma, Daniel, Cami, Bri, Ellie… what can I say except for; I owe you all…
And I miss Cas…
PS. Daniel, I'm gonna send you a PM tomorrow. But for now you'll have to settle for the simple answer; Brunette. LOL