A/N: I hope you can make it through the long narative but there was not other way to write this chapter. I hope it holds your interest.
Two Weeks Notice
Day Ten
Sarah
I called in sick today. Chuck wanted to stay at home with me but I insisted on him going to work. I really needed this day to get prepared; I only had four more days until I left.
Chuck left the apartment reluctantly. I was afraid for a moment that he wouldn't listen to me and stay home anyway. That would have ruined my plans.
I had borrowed Team Bartowski's surveillance equipment bag. I was only interested in the camera and various telephoto lenses. My intention today was to document my last three years. In that way maybe I could get through the hard days that I knew lay ahead of me.
After Chuck left, I got up took a shower and put on one of the many disguises that I had. In this case a black wig and I used a tanning cream to darken my skin. I also dressed in clothing that I would have never worn. By ten O'clock I was on my way. I had to be careful at the Buy More; even with the disguise someone could recognize the Porsche. I know if Chuck saw me he would recognize me as well.
One of the things I loved about Chuck was he always seemed to know where I was. When we were on a mission and we were in a crowded room. He never lost track of me. It was just one of the small things that he did that told me without a doubt that he loved me. That was one of a hundred that I could name right now. I'd be willing to bet with a paper and pencil and an hour to think about it I could come up with ten times that number.
It sure makes a girl feel special to have that kind of love. I tried not to think about the fact that he did not have the same experience with me. He was always left wondering.
My first stop was the Buy More. I wanted to get a wide angle shot at the front of the building. After taking the shot, I thought about the first time I pulled into this parking lot. I had no idea then what was in store for me. I then looked inside the building. I would have loved to have gotten a shot of Chuck standing at the Nerd Herd desk like he was the first time I saw him. I remember thinking that this could not be the guy that was somehow connected to Bryce Larkin.
It appeared the coast was clear so I went inside and quickly took my shot of the Nerd Herd counter. I did not waist any time and was in and out in an instant. I was pleased because that was one picture I truly wanted. I anticipate in the upcoming, lonely months that lay ahead that I would need the comfort of that and other pictures.
Next on my list was my hotel room. On the way, I could not help but think back to the time when Chuck wanted to know just one thing about me. He finally asked me what my middle name was. To this day, I don't know why I didn't tell him at least that. I guess I was afraid that if I started telling him things about my past I would end up telling him everything. I could not afford to do that, given my past.
Thirty minutes after taking the Buy More shots, I stood in my bedroom looking at the bed Chuck and I first made love in. Normally I would have said Fucked in because even with Bryce that's how we referred to our moments of intimacy. It was either fucking or having sex. It was never making love. Since Chuck and I started sleeping together we always said making love. As I stand here looking at my bed all made up and looking as though it had not been used, I realized that the name I referred to that act as was not the only difference. I thought about Bryce and me and the lust that was driven by the excitement of the life we were living. It was good. Hell, it was the best I had ever had up to that point…but it wasn't even close to making love to Chuck. With Chuck there was a…connection that was hard to describe. I knew it sounded hokey because of the Tom Cruise movie but I knew it was true for me with Chuck. When we made love I was complete.
There was something about this picture that wasn't right though. I did not know what it was at first but then I realized. I didn't want the sterile picture of a made up bed. I wanted the bed to look like it did after Chuck and I had used it. I went about setting the scene the way that I wanted it and then took the picture. Pleased with that, I went to my next stop.
I briefly thought about going to Chuck and Ellie's old apartment but decided that I didn't want to think about the troubles that Ellie and I had developed. I didn't blame her. She was only looking out for her brother. She had good instincts and knew that something wasn't right with me. Then when Devon saw me with the congressman, there was no way out of that. Chuck and I had to make up the story that I had cheated on him. I begged him to take me back and he reluctantly did. I always got the feeling from her that she didn't believe it. That she suspected at best the story was a half-truth.
I finally go back to Chuck's apartment. I take shots of every room, especially of his bedroom and of his bed. When I'm done with the bed, I look around his room for anything more I might want to capture for those lonely times. I see his computer and turn it on. Damn its password protected. I think about it for a second and then type in Sarah.
I love him. The computer goes to his desktop. I start to get up to take a picture when I notice a word document that's titled "Goodbye Sarah".
I don't really want to open it but I don't really have a choice. I have to know what it says. I double click on the icon and up pops the document.
Dear Sarah,
I hope I never have to give you this letter because that will mean that you decided to stay with me. I can tell you that that will make me the happiest man to ever live. But, if it turns out the way and I fear it will, you will be reading these words on a plane bound for some destination that I will never know. And, I will never see you again.
Sarah, I have to tell you that as I type these words, the tears are running down my cheek because the thought of never seeing you again is unimaginable. If that actually happens, I honestly don't know how I will live to see the next day and then the day after that. Sarah, I believe in my heart that you and I were meant to be together. We are not meant to have loved and lost, because that is not better in my case.
Sarah, if you are reading this then that means you have left me. For the life of me, I can't understand why you would do that but I am going on record right now to ask you to come back. If not right now whenever you can, I need you Sarah. I am not just saying that. I really need you. My life will be lived in shades of grey instead of the bright colors I see when I'm with you.
Please come back as soon as you can. I will be waiting.
I love you,
Chuck
I can barely read the end of the letter. My tears are flowing and my heart is so heavy it feels as though it will drop to my stomach. After a moment to collect myself, I look at a single passage that scares me the most. I will be waiting. I do not want Chuck to wait on me. I want him to go on living. I want him to someday be happy and in order to do that he must go on with his life. I know that that will kill me to see him with someone else but that's what I deserve.
If I were to stay with Chuck he would one day find out about my life in the CIA. And when he did that he would find out about Helsinki. And when he did that he would stop loving me. He would most likely start to hate me. How could he not, after what I have done. If I had to choose between him being sad because I left him or him hating me because I am a monster, I have decided that I can not live with the love of my life hating me. That's why I must leave. If I thought there was a path to atonement, I would stay but how can I find redemption. No, not after what I've done. There is no other way. I don't have a choice. I must leave.
I put everything back the way I found it and waited for Chuck to get off work.