It has been forever…I am going to do my best to wrap this up. 1 or 2 chapters left. I hate when people just leave stuff right in the middle, so I promise to finish this up.
"I don't think that's really the best idea" Haymitch has his arms closed and a harsh look on his face, his lips twisted into a scowl.
"Why?" I shoot back at him, though I had known what his answer would have been all along.
"Isn't it obvious Katniss?" he stares at me for a few moments waiting for me to offer up the obvious answer before sighing heavily. "He doesn't want to see Gale, and when you tell him that you've chosen to be with Gale it's probably best for Gale not to be there for him to try to attack."
"Humph!" I scoff at him, "Gale can take care of himself."
Haymitch is shaking his head looking at me as if I am missing the most obvious thing in the world, "It's not Gale that I am worried about…it's Peeta. If he shows signs of aggression, which undoubtedly will if Gale is there, then the doctors will sedate him, strap him down, and he will have to stay in that place for even longer."
My mouth opens but no sound comes out, "I…I never thought of it like that…" I feel guilty for only thinking of Gale and not Peeta, it is a good thing I am going now, to close the door on our relationship, so he will stop hoping and pining, so that one day he can get out and have his own life. "But I see now…" I let out a heavy sigh "OK… no Gale."
Haymitch rewards me with a smile but doesn't say anything, letting me live in my own thoughts.
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Standing in the hallway I can feel my nerves beginning to kick into high gear, and I worry whether my breakfast might come back up. It's too late to do anything about it now so I straighten my back and give myself a little pep talk. You can do this Katniss. Just go in there and tell him. I wish it would be that easy, and maybe I am imagining a much worse scenario than the actual reality will be.
"OK then, in you go!" Haymitch moves aside and gestures towards the door.
"Are you going to come in with me?" I ask hopefully.
"Hell no!" he chuckles darkly "This is all you sweetheart." He smirks and begins to walk away from me down the hallway, to the small waiting area near the elevators.
I put my hand on the doorknob but think better of springing into the room unannounced so I know instead. Inside the room I can hear some shuffling and soft music playing.
"Come in, come in." the familiar voice calls out and I feel my chest clenching. I don't love him like I love Gale, but I feel something towards him, more than I myself realized.
I gingerly turn the knob and push the door open. Peeta is standing in front of his bed, a bewildered expression on his face. He looks like the boy that I remember in all ways but his eyes. They are dull and flat, almost as if they are empty.
He walks towards the door when he sees me standing in the hallway."Katniss!" a smile spreads across his face. "I knew that you'd come, that there was no way you'd stay away!" his tone was jubilant and for a moment the life came back his eyes.
I stand frozen in the doorway. I don't know if this is going to be good for him, and I don't know how he is going to react when I tell him I am leaving. I can't think of a good way to introduce the topic as he comes towards the door.
"Come in." he pulls the door the rest of the way open and gestures towards a small table with two chairs in the corner. "When they told me you weren't coming I knew they were keeping you away. How did you convince them to let you see me?" his voice comes out evenly.
Oh god, he thinks that I have wanted to come and have been prevented from doing so by the staff. I wonder how far into delusions he is. "Well… it's been hard Peeta, but I am glad to see you now." I say after a few too many moments of thought. It isn't a lie, but it also is not the entire truth. It was been hard, thinking about him, deciding to let him go, and now coming to say goodbye. I am also glad to see him now, and I don't regret coming here today.
Peeta sits down across from me at the table and looks at me for a long time and neither of us say anything. "So, are you going to be coming to see me regularly until I can get out of here?" he looks hopeful.
I swallow and begin what I know I should have already started. "I'm leaving" I blurt out, not knowing how to phrase what I plan to tell him in the kindest way possible.
His mouth falls open, a surprised expression crosses his face followed by one of confusion. "Leaving?" he asks me slowly, as if he doesn't understand the meaning of the word. "Leaving where?"
"The Capital. I can't stay here anymore, I am going home. Back to twelve." I explain, still leaving out the most important detail.
He nods slowly. "Ok. So… this is it until I can get out of here then?"
I shake my head and look down. "If you return to twelve when you're out of here I am sure we will see each other." I don't want to tell him that he isn't likely to be out anytime soon.
"See each other?" confusion is partially replaced with anger as his tone rises in volume. "Are we still…." he doesn't finish the sentence and instead begins pacing the room muttering to himself.
He slows his pacing and stops in front of the table and puts both palms down on its surface. "Katniss." he says and gets my attention. "You still love me right?" and there is the crux of the problem.
I look back down at my hands and shake my head sadly. I don't want to verbalize the word I know will deliver a final blow to his sanity.
"Look at me!" he sounds agitated and he is practically yelling. "Look at me when you say it. I want to hear you say it out loud. "He glares at me in a way I haven't seen since he came home from the hijacking. "Do you love me?"
I push my face up towards him and force my eyes up to make contact with his and I swallow a big lump in my throat as I whisper. "No Peeta, I'm so sorry, but now." I bite my lower lip and look back down. The tears I didn't know were lurking there spilt over and run freely down my throat.
I can hear his teeth clench. "Did you ever?"
I nod, "Yes, I think I did."
He lets out a sigh, "Liar! You used me until you didn't need me anymore." He begins to pace again and I wonder at what point I should call for a nurse to come calm him.
"No Peeta, no. I thought I did. I love you in a brotherly sense, but I know now that it is not romantic. I care for you so much." I try to soothe him.
"They never kept you away did they?" he glares at me. "You didn't come because you don't want me. You don't care.
His accusations hurts and I have nothing to say in return. "It was so hard, I was sick and then…" I don't know how much to tell him.
He surprises me by sitting back down across me, and an eerie stillness comes over him. "Do you see Gale?"
I wince and he doesn't miss it and as the silence grows longer he prompts me again, "I asked about Gale. If I have been thrown aside I at least deserve to know who has taken my place."
"I see Gale every day Peeta. I don't want to hurt you but we're going home to Twelve together." I look up at him, knowing I owe this to him.
"Do you love him?" his voice is good and a shiver runs up my back.
I nod, "Yes, I do." I won't apologize for loving Gale, though, I know how it must hurt him to hear it.
"So that's it then. You love him and not me. You are leaving me here and you're going off with him to build a new life without me."
"It's not like that!" I protest but I know it isn't any good.
"So all those time you told me you loved me, the times you kissed me, when you held me…those were lies!." His tone was sad but he had calmed down.
"I didn't lie." I sigh and wonder what I can say to him to make any of this better. "I said those things because I thought they were true. But I have to admit I don't feel that way now. I do love Gale, I am so sorry for hurting you." The tears return to my eyes and there are long minutes of silence.
The silence is shatters by a loud scream and the sound of the table being turned over, almost on top of me. I jump back from my seat and clear the area as the chairs crash to the floor. "Peeta!" I yelp in surprise as he continues to scream and throw around the furniture.
"How could I be so stupid? They told me that you never loved me but I wouldn't believe them. What a fool!" he rips a poster down from his wall and throws it across the room. "You user, you tricked me into thinking you loved me. I protected you; I gave myself for you and for nothing. You run back to Gale the moment you don't need me anymore."
Fear begins to mingle with my surprise as I approach him. I put out an arm to pat his but he smacks it away, shoving me from my standing position unto his bed. "Don't you dare touch me." His words are full of so much hate I don't know what to do. I notice the call button next to his desk and quickly push it.
He sees my betrayal immediately as he practically hisses with hate, "Sure…get them to come in here and medicate me. Make this easier for yourself; it's what you always do." I hang my head as his words ring so true. "Can't handle what you've created."
The nurses rush into the room as I look at him a final time, "I'm sorry Peeta, I'm sorry"
They push me out the room and wide eyed Haymitch is waiting for me in the hallway and leads me towards the waiting room.
"So, you used your usual charm and it went well I see?" his smug smile makes me want to smother him.
"Did you know that would happen?" suspicion arises in me quickly as I wonder if he could have known.
"I figured something close to it. You just told the boy you didn't love him, that you love Gale, and that the two of you are moving back to twelve. What did you expect?" he spits out at me.
"I don't know" I reply honestly. "He assumed that we…that he…oh I don't know." I throw my hands up in defeat. "I just wish things were different."
"How?" his question is genuine.
After a few moments spent thinking about it I answer. "I wish friendship was enough for him. I don't love him in the same way that I love Gale, but not having him in my life is hard. I could always count on him, he was so kind and thoughtful. It's so sad to lose it, but I don't see what other options there are."
"Is it really all or nothing?" he raises an eyebrow at me.
"With him I think it might be. He wants to be together, and for us to be in love. But I don't feel it and I can't fake it for him." I sigh and cross my arms in front of my chest in resignation.
"Let him calm down…" a hint of a smile plays at the corner of his lips.
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A nurse approaches us and gestures for us to come towards her. "OK, he's resting in bed now and alert. He is asking for you." She gives me a reassuring smile and I follow her back down the hallway to his room.
When I walk through the door the scene is different and Peeta is lying in bed, medicated and calm. Someone has righted his table and chair and cleaned up the mess he made ripping things off of the wall. I stand a few steps into the room and look at his still form.
"Can you come closer to me?" he asks softly. Suddenly the Peeta I remember is back and I step next to the bed.
"I'm sorry Katniss…I got overwhelmed. It was just so much to take in, I think my brain short circuited" he let out a small laugh, but it didn't reach his eyes as he looks at me.
I shake my head, "Don't you apologize." I looked up at him, frustration pulsing through me. "You have no reason to be sorry. All you did was love me, take care of me, and…and…" it was suddenly too much and the tears broke free from my eyes. "And all I have done is hurt you." I can't find the words I need to make my point and this frustrates me more.
"Katniss…" he begins in a comforting tone, but I hold a hand up to stop him.
"Don't try to tell me it isn't my fault. It really is. I should have figured this stuff out long ago. I shouldn't have shut down all those months ago. If I had let you in you'd not be in here. But, I was too selfish. And now we are broken and I don't know what to do to make this better." The words pour from my mouth before I have a chance to sensor myself.
"You know that I love you." He sighs. "But I also know that you don't feel the same way."
I lift my eyes to his, "No, I don't." I shift my gaze back to my lap. "I don't love you in the same way, but it doesn't mean I don't feel love towards you. How could I not?" I sigh "But I know it's not enough, it isn't what you need."
He offers me a weak smile, "I guess those blond haired and grey eyed children will just stay in my imagination then."
I laugh, but it sounds inappropriate given the circumstances. "I think so. I'm sorry"
"Did you know all along you didn't really love me? During the Games and when I came back from the Capital. Was it all lie?" his eyes bore into mine.
"No Peeta! It was no lie. Up until quite recently I thought that there was no way I could feel more love for someone than you. I was wrong, and I am so sorry for leading you along like I have." I hope I sound sincere because I mean it. Before Gale came back into my life I had no idea what romantic love actually felt like.
"So with Gale it is different?" he asks as if he could hear my thoughts.
I nod, "Yes." I don't elaborate because I don't want to hurt him further. There is no way to tell him about us without comparing my feelings. Gale is a need, like food or water. Peeta is a nice to have, like a down comforter or a second roll. How can I phrase that in a way that won't hurt?
A knock comes from the door and a nurse pokes her head into the room, "A few more minutes until visiting hours are over."
"Well, I guess this is it then." Peeta says sadly.
"I think so…" I don't know what else to say.
"If you ever come back will you see me again?"
"Yes, I will. I am ashamed that I didn't come before today."
"And when I get out of here and move back home what then?"
"Friends?" I raise an eyebrow at him hopefully.
He nods and closes his eyes. "I want to memorize your face right now and remember you just this way before you disappear." He sighs sadly.
I stifle a sob in my throat and lean towards him wrapping my arms around his shoulders and burying my head in him chest. "We'll see each other again, I know it." He wraps his arms around me and we stay that way until we hear another knock at the door.
I gently sit back up and take a last look at him. "Bye Peeta, I will always remember the times we had together. I will never forget you. I will treasure all the things you have given me, including my life time and time again. Please take care of yourself and come home."
"Good-bye" he whispers as I walk towards he door and out to the hallway.
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The train hums quietly around us, as we sit in the dining car across from each other eating.
"We'll be home in just a few hours, how are you feeling?" Gale asks me as he takes the hand I am tapping nervously on the table.
"About what I expected. I'm nervous to see everything and anyone who came back. I don't know what to expect. I don't know what I'll do with myself. There are so many unknowns."
He smiles and nods, "Well there is at least one known."
I laugh, "Yes I was really counting on that!"
His face turns serious and he grabs my other hand, "Always Katniss, you can always count on that. I am here with you no matter what."
"It's going to be so weird to be in that house again. There are so many memories there." I sigh "I wonder if Prim's things are still hanging in her closet" I mutter to myself, mostly thinking a loud.
"That's going to be hard to see." He mused for a few moments. "Maybe we don't really need to move back in there forever."
Haymitch shouts from across the car, "You're going back, there is nowhere else to go. Stop whining."
"Caring as always I see" Gale shouts back at him. "Nothing is set in stone." He reassures me.
"What other options do we have?" I thought it was a given we'd be moving back into my old home with all the bad memories and the ghosts of the past.
"Well we could build a house where one of ours in the Seam used to stand." He smiles at the thought, "or we could maybe fix that small cabin by the lake me used to love to hang out it."
My mouth is agape as I consider these possibilities. "Our houses in the Seam! I wonder if there is anything left." I picture our lives living in one of the simple homes. "I would like that so much more than living in the Village. That house never felt like my home, and it is so empty now without Prim and Mother here."
"Ok then…we will rebuild! But we'll probably need to stay in the Village until the new place is livable." He notices the smile on my face and grins back at me. "Better?" he gets up and comes around the table towards me, kneeling on the ground beside me.
"Yes!" I throw my arms around him and bury my face in his neck. "So much better!"
Haymitch grumbles at the noise, "Quiet! I have such a headache"
We exchange looks and burst out laughing, there isn't a time when he isn't either drunk or hung over. I enjoy the feeling of lightness between us in the train. It's nice to be able to laugh and smile together without something hanging over our heads. For the first time I feel like there is something for me to look forward to.