From Mr E to Mr Z
Chapter Eleven - Interviews with the Vampire Bat
"Yes, I am," Teddy confirmed airily. There was no point in denying it. Batman was a master detective after all and his neighbours could probably smell the wine on him from next door.
Batman crossed his arms and stared at the Riddler. His disdain for the pastime was clear in his silence.
"What? I'm a grown adult. Why can't I drink myself into a stupor whenever the hell I want to?" the editor demanded angrily with exaggerated hand gestures. "It's not like I have anybody to set an example for or anyone who gives a flying fuck about me..." He had to bite his tongue to stop the word 'anymore' from slipping out. Dick no longer cared about him. Life was pretty much pointless now and he finally understood why such a large contingent of love songs were about heartbreak and depression.
Batman still had nothing to say. Robin's head was cocked slightly to the side, as if the child was confused and Batgirl sat lazily like she was bored out of her mind. The bird was probably sizing him up because he was probably in diapers the last time the Riddler enjoyed a caper.
"Fine. If you're all just going to sit there and stare at me, knock yourselves out. I'm going to bed," Teddy huffed as he somewhat unsteadily rose to his feet.
"Sit Nygma," growled Batman as he quickly stood and loomed over the shorter man.
The pair stared at each other for a moment before Teddy rolled his eyes. "Oh for fuck's sake," he huffed as he sank back into his seat. "What do you want then?"
"I want to know your angle, Nygma," said Batman. He glowered from where he was still standing.
"Angle? I don't have an angle. Although if I were to call you one, it would be decidedly obtuse. I'm not up to anything and I will never be darkening the streets of Gotham again. Plus my name is Zerr now. Theodore Zerr. Teddy if you will. Or if you won't. I don't really care how you feel about it either way." Teddy folded his arms and glared angrily at Batman. He really didn't mean to get defensive but it seemed to be a reflex to the man's presence.
"No matter what your name is now, you'll always be a threat," acknowledged Batman.
To everyone's surprise bar his own, Teddy began to laugh uproariously. When he noticed the Dark Knight intensify his glare, he tried to curb his amusement with limited success. The editor eventually reined himself in and said, "There once was a time when that would have meant the absolute world to me. To be considered intelligent enough to warrant your attention but now..." Teddy trailed off. Now it was Dick that mattered and he'd fucked that up royally just by being himself.
"Now?" prompted Robin from his perch on the couch.
Teddy snorted. "Now I couldn't give a flying emu's ass about what any of you think. I'm reformed, whether you choose to believe me or not."
Batgirl let loose a low laugh that she was clearly failing at repressing. "The emu is a flightless bird," she noted dryly.
Eyes narrowing at her, Teddy snapped, "Forgive me, you louse. I thought you were intelligent enough to understand both sarcasm and irony. I will not make the same mistake again. Anyway," he said in Batman's direction, "if you don't believe me, feel free to snoop through my home. You know, the one you all invited yourselves into this evening. What am I saying? As if all three of you were needed for this little discussion. Clearly you've already done so and couldn't find any incriminating evidence. That's why you're still here, isn't it?"
There was a silence around the room and although it wasn't uncomfortable as such, it seemed to verify his hypothesis. Damn nosy bastards.
"Whatever. This time I am going to bed. Feel free to browse through my things whenever you like and question me to your heart's content at a later date when I don't feel like my head's being split open with an axe. You won't ever find anything because there's nothing to find. Waste your time as much as you like. I'm done," said Teddy dispassionately before he flounced to his bed. "Lock the door on your way out," he hollered before rolling over and falling asleep.
Over the next week, he met up with Syl a couple of times and told her about the snooping Batman.
The older woman enjoyed pointing out how she predicted he would try to find fault and fail in the attempt. She also noted that being unable to prove the Riddler's guilt in anything would annoy the Caped Crusader far more than anything else probably could, which garnered a small smile from the downtrodden man.
Teddy was still lamenting his lack of contact with Dick Grayson and while the intervention of Batman had been a welcome distraction, it wasn't enough of a diversion to take his mind off the raven haired man. He did have the pleasure of meeting the much discussed Henry Moore who was a little curt with him. The ex-con was quite sure that the man both disapproved of his former career and his wife's unhealthy interest in said criminal. Despite that, it was clear he trusted his wife's judgement unconditionally and did his best to remain civil throughout the evening.
When Teddy returned home that night, he discovered Batman sitting on his couch once again. This time however, the bat was alone. He was now quite thankful he had behaved in front of Henry and had imbibed hardly any wine at all.
"Batman, you're here again," the crossword compiler said with little enthusiasm.
The guest in question gazed evenly back at Teddy.
Teddy sighed loudly. "To what do I owe this, er, pleasure?" he asked.
"This is a courtesy call, Nygma," growled the Dark Knight. "I still haven't worked out what your scheme is but I will. I've searched through every inch of your apartment, monitored your calls, read your mail and even questioned those in close contact with you."
Teddy folded his arms tightly to stop himself from taking a swing at the kevlar clad man. It's probably what the vigilante wanted. A reason. "How very interesting, Batman. For someone who takes great pride in upholding truth and justice, your methods like breaking and entering, rifling through other's personal belongings and using threats and/or intimidation to achieve your goals seems a lot less just and much more illegal," Teddy noted.
The man rose to his feet with a snarl. "You're the criminal. Always have been, always will be."
"Correction," said the editor, "I was a criminal. I'm not anymore and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can start chasing the real threats to Gotham's security instead of a ghost like me."
The man eyed him beadily. "I will continue to monitor you. Consider me your permanent parole officer. Expect a visit every week until I uncover your current scheme involving Richard Grayson."
"For fuck's sake, Batman!" yelled Teddy with exasperation. "There's no master plan, no schemes, no contingencies or plots or strategies of any kind. I'm not playing any sort of game and there are most certainly no jokes, riddles, puzzles or stumpers of any kind involved. Deep down, we both know this to be true because when have I ever committed any sort of crime that wasn't flashy and flamboyant? Oh, that's right, never!" He'd worked himself up into quite a state and was certain he'd sprayed a fair amount of spit during his tirade. "Uuugh!" he growled with frustration when words seemed to fail him for the first time in absolutely ages.
Batman's eyes were slightly widened and his mouth ajar. It seemed that he was actually surprised for a change. He quickly shut his maw with an audible snap and pursed his lips. "I'll admit, you're life since you faked your death appears to be legitimate but just because you, a self-proclaimed genius, made it appear that way doesn't mean it couldn't be something else entirely. I'm just looking out for Gotham's best interests."
Sighing loudly as the tension drained from his body, Teddy couldn't help but grin at Batman. "Look, I know. Saving this great city has always been your first priority and you certainly do an excellent job of it. I could be using this as some sort of cover for something truly insidious but I'm really not. I'm just trying to be a normal, functioning member of society."
"It does seem that way," conceded the Caped Crusader.
"Hey, tell me something. Did you ever actually believe that I was dead?" asked Teddy. There was a heavy silence. Obviously the man was not going to enlighten him.
Just as the crossword compiler was about to excuse himself so he could go to bed, he started as the Batman unexpectedly spoke. "Perhaps. No corpse was ever recovered so I guessed that you might still be alive. That said, I always believed that if you had survived the crash, you would have returned to your criminal ways as soon as you could. As you did not resurface, I stopped suspecting your involvement in crimes after a couple of years. Until that evening a few weeks ago, of course." A hard edge had returned to voice as he mentioned in passing the disastrous date night.
"Hmmm," Teddy hummed to himself as he thought while looking at the floor. "I figured as much. Anyway, I suppose I'll see you in a week when you break into my apartment again," he said as he glanced back only to find Batman had disappeared. "Son of a bitch," he muttered to himself before making his way to his bedroom.
The Terrible Tease Clues - Chapter Eleven
Teddy is a very clever genius. Two of the words from the chapter above are actually answers to Teddy's latest Terrible Tease crossword puzzle. Here they are now!
29 Across - Flightless bloodsucking insect (5 letters)
32 Down - Australian animal (3 letters)
For instructions on how to solve the Terrible Tease, please refer to the footnote of Chapter One - The Birth of Mr Z.