There was nothing like a good riot, Xander Harris thought to himself with quiet satisfaction.
That specific moment of restraint was completely different from the one-eyed man's current surroundings, what with several hundred panicky people around him screaming, running, and otherwise not having a very good time during the disaster of today's Faber Homecoming Parade. Happily standing there among perfect chaos, the direct cause of all this managed to hear over all the yelling the discordant notes of the college band crammed together inside the distant side alley they'd been lured into by one of the Deltas, every one of these musicians there still desperately trying to play the school fight song. Despite it all, Xander had to admire their sheer dedication.
Abruptly, every other noise was overwhelmed by the sounds of screeching car tires. Crouching down to peer through the lower part of the viewing stand he was standing behind, Xander gleefully saw the appearance of the Deathmoble as it burst out of the massive smoke cloud created by other Deltas setting off the stink bombs they'd created last night at their fraternity. This customized vehicle, with its grille painted to resemble a monster's fanged mouth, then skidded to a dead stop in the middle of Main Street. Staying there, with its roaring engine bellowing a frenzied desire for something to rend and devour, the vibrating car was aimed directly at the viewing stand. Which in turn, meant everyone there on this wooden structure with its tiered seats could also look right at the menacing vehicle and see the severed metal head of the Emil Faber statute presently affixed to the hood of the Deathmobile.
Still in his crouching position, Xander had to hope this would work. According to the fragments of supernatural symbology he'd picked up from years of listening to Wils and other magic-users, confronting a possessed Dean Wormer with such an explicit symbol of the authority and office he'd usurped couldn't help but affect the demon currently in control of this human's body. Plus, the grim warning of the fate possibly in store for Grazlar the Mighty would, at the very least, rattle him sufficiently for Xander to get near enough for the New Council member to do what he had to do while this demon was distracted.
This actually seemed to come to pass, since most of the occupants of the viewing stand promptly left their former seats in what could best be expressed as a terrified stampede. These people did everything but run over anyone in their path as they jumped, scrambled, or otherwise got off the temporary structure as fast as they could. Left behind were only about a half-dozen people totally paralyzed in shock as they stood at the front of the viewing stand, gaping at the threatening car. Whose driver hidden inside the vehicle, with a truly maniac look on his face, joyously announced, "Ramming speed!"
Blasting its attached train whistle, the car then hurled itself forward with irresistible force, at the very same moment Dean Wormer on the viewing stand now said with absolute disgust in his voice, "I hate those guys."
Making a last-second swerve towards its target, the Deathmobile plowed into the side of the viewing stand, entirely knocking down this fragile structure with a sound of splintering lumber intermixed with the screams of its former occupants being tossed up in the air, and coming down to painfully land among the collapsed ruins.
Dashing forward even before everything completely settled, Xander dove into the remnants of the viewing stand, and wiggled his way through towards what had been the front of this wooden structure. The man with an eyepatch ignored the rest of the moaning people there, even though nobody seemed to be seriously injured except for probably some thorough bruising. He was looking for one specific person- There he was!
A very dazed Dean Wormer was sitting on the ground and leaning back against a still-standing support beam. Seeing this, Xander squirmed sideways, until he got in the proper position, mostly concealed behind the Dean against anyone seeing him there within arm's reach of the older man. However, Xander would've been willing to do next what was vitally necessary in full sight of everyone, as the Sunnydale survivor reached into his jeans pocket, and he pulled out a very special knife. Gripping this deadly weapon, Xander then stabbed with blinding speed towards the back of Dean Wormer's neck.
Almost two decades of using tools of carnage against demonkind now allowed an expert Xander to skillfully arrest his otherwise fatal thrust, to instead just barely break the skin of his prey with the very tip of his dagger. Not even noticing the latest minute pain in the midst of his entirely aching body, Dean Wormer never felt the single drop of blood well out of the tiny wound there, to then coat the point of the soul dagger which Xander had taken off the other demon in the pentagram at the Administration Building's basement several weeks ago.
Back when the soul of Trooper the horse had been collected by the pentagram and then stored into the dagger carried by Xander, almost all of the equine's spirit had moved into this magical object. However, a portion of the horse's essence had tried to become one of the possessions of this Scooby Gang member, only to be eventually destroyed by Willow's protection spell. Much later, Xander had an inspiration while wondering how to free Dean Wormer of that man's own possession by Grazlar the Mighty. Obviously, if the soul dagger wasn't completely filled by a horse's soul, there might be room for something else…
Grazlar the Mighty could do nothing but stand on his four limbs in absolute shock. It'd all happened too fast for him to do anything at all. One second, he'd been sitting down in his pain-wracked human body in the ruins of the viewing stand, and now he felt totally fine - and yet completely different! Wildly looking around the bare grassland that stretched out forever in glorious greenery to the horizon itself, Grazlar then glanced down in growing panic at his new body. Stretching his neck, the stunned demon identified this to be one of those four-legged beasts which humans used for riding purposes back at his college-
With suddenly bulging eyes, Grazlar noticed something which meant he couldn't ever again use the masculine pronoun while referring to…herself. There was an object presently missing from the lower rear of…her…body-
A soft, warm breath abruptly blew into Grazlar's ear. Snapping her neck back up, the demon stared in horror at the other horse standing there just a few feet away. This sheer dismay only increased at seeing then the truly lecherous grin sent towards herself by this strange equine, along with something also witnessed from the corner of Grazlar's eye. Something that unequivocally revealed to anyone around her new companion was completely and utterly male, as from under him, a slowly appearing-
With a terrified whinny, Grazlar got control enough of her four limbs to instantly perform a mad dash away from that other lewd horse, heading towards the horizon as fast as she could.
Placidly trotting along after, Trooper wasn't bothered a bit by that abrupt flight of the mare with those superb haunches. Sooner or later, he'd catch up with her, in this gloriously perfect place of eternal fine weather, juicy grass to eat, fresh water to drink, and now, someone to share it with and give a Trooper-pounding for ever and ever and ever…
Dean Wormer had no idea what the hell was happening. Where was he? Why was he sitting down? Why did it hurt so much? And above all, why was somebody who looked young enough to be a student at Faber College earnestly asking him to give them one more chance?
Among the still-panicking crowd, Xander was sniggering to himself, as he strolled down the thronged Main Street sidewalk. His remaining eye falling upon something there on the roadside, the New Council member looked around, and once he was satisfied everyone else was occupied with their own problems, the man bent down to slip out a dagger from his jeans pocket and flip this weapon into the storm drain cut into the curb. Straightening up, a wide smile upon his scarred face, Xander continued to chuckle as he resumed his jaunty walk.
The mystical shock he'd felt through the dagger at the instant Dean Wormer's blood had touched the metal was a clear signal that the demon who was possessing this school administrator had been sucked into the soul dagger. Now that the older man was free of Grazlar's control, the best thing to do was to quickly get rid of the dagger, in a spot where anyone was unlikely to ever find the knife again. Still, even if that dagger was indeed discovered by some sewer worker or whatever, nobody could use it for its magical purpose again, since it'd been completely filled up with a pair of souls. A very wicked smirk appeared on Xander's features, as he contemplated how Grazlar was presently interacting with Trooper, since that horse's soul mainly filling up most of the dagger would be in supreme control of everything.
Well, fun was fun, but now what? The Animal House movie was pretty much over, and Xander had no idea at all what came next. According to what the infuriating Power That Be had said right at the start of it all, he might've accomplished his job of 'protecting he who must not be harmed', but why should Dean Wormer deserve this protection, anyway? And what about the other part, the 'doom of her if you fail-'
CRACK!
Xander instantly dropped flat onto the sidewalk at hearing the gunshot, his Soldier-Boy reflexes taking over at being under fire. Warily looking up as around him the crowd became even more alarmed, a horror-struck Xander now stared at something appalling taking place further up the street.
There, Flounder was dazedly standing, the shattered remnant of the seltzer bottle he'd been about to spray Neidermeyer with dangling from one pudgy hand. This Faber College ROTC member in his uniform, a rifle which was supposed to be unloaded, and a truly insane gleam in his eyes, was now fumbling in his shirt pocket for another round to permanently deal with that overweight piece of shit.
Scrambling to his feet, Xander desperately glanced around. According to the movie, the crazed Omega had been kept from shooting Flounder by being taken care of during a truly hilarious sight gag-
Goggling at the front half of a parade float that earlier had been broadsided by the Deathmobile and broken in two, Xander saw this damaged vehicle was parked against the opposite side of the street, its driver's door open and the inside empty, with the operator undoubtedly deciding to quit his job over the entire day's craziness. Without even thinking about it, Xander dashed forward, diving into the parade float and the driver's seat. The engine was still running, so silently thanking whoever deity was in charge of automobiles he'd eventually learned to drive a manual transmission, Xander moved the parking brake, stomped on the clutch, and shifted out of neutral.
Lurching forward, the float, with its exhibit of a massive black hand which had been clasping an equally large white hand as a self-righteous representation of racial unity until the rear part of the elaborately decorated vehicle went missing, now headed down the street. Xander battled with the clutch, stick shift, pedals, and everything else, until he finally got to what seemed the highest speed possible for the float.
Urgently peering through the viewing slit cut in the front of the parade vehicle, Xander saw Neidermeyer raising his rifle after reloading it. Aiming his float directly at the idiot, the New Council member was perfectly willing to run over the demented college student, except when he was just a few yards away, some unnoticing member of the crowd ran right into Xander's path. Instantly turning the steering wheel, Xander lost track of Neidermeyer, until a heavy thump! sound came from the right side of the float, where there was-
Starting to laugh out loud over the screaming curses now coming from the passenger who'd just been scooped up in the enormous replica of a black hand, Xander maintained his course and sped down the street for the next couple of blocks. Leaving the riot far behind, the one-eyed man wondered what to do now. He was going fast enough so that Neidermeyer couldn't jump off at present, but if he stopped, that crazy guy might still have his rifle and shoot Xander getting out of the float. Peering once more through the viewing slit, Xander spotted a vacant lot up ahead filled entirely with what looked like…oh, yeah!
Waiting until the proper moment, Xander abruptly spun the steering wheel to the right, knowing centrifugal force would keep Neidermeyer pinned against the hand. Skidding around on the road in a curve, the float now headed directly at the vacant lot, until Xander stiffened his arms. It probably wouldn't do any good, not without a seatbelt, but it was worth a try anyway, as Xander now stomped with all the force he could muster upon the brake pedal. Sure enough, Xander was painfully slammed forward against the steering wheel due to the sudden stop, but even as his breath whooshed out, a smirking Scooby Gang member heard the horrified scream of Neidermeyer being flung out from his former position in the palm of the paper-mache hand. Gasping for air, Xander still enjoyed the even bigger scream of an absolute asshole landing face-first into a bunch of rose bushes, who even if they weren't blooming this late in fall, these plants still had their very sharp thorns.
Continuing to giggle, no matter how much it made his ribs hurt, Xander tried an experimental inhalation to see if he'd really broken something there. Coming to the conclusion that, yep, it sure felt like it, a resigned Xander sighed-
-and then he let out a startled whoop, when this man suddenly sat up in his bed, a fraction of a second later.
Incredulously looking around, Xander Harris found himself right back in his Cleveland bed, where he'd been peacefully sleeping a couple of months ago, just before being yanked out of it to be sent to the Animal House dimension. For some reason, he was back home again. There couldn't possibly be any mistake, not when right by the bedroom door, his Twinkie night light was warmly glowing.
Dazedly getting out of bed, Xander stood there for a moment, before walking over to crouch down and stare at close range with his remaining eye at a very much appreciated birthday gift. Which, as his girls had proudly told him, had been specially made for their Xander-shaped friend.
That reminded him of something, which was abruptly cut off when Xander straightened up and winced over what the front of his body now felt like. Bringing up a finger to hook away the collar of his sleeping t-shirt, Xander gawked down at what was under the fabric. A few moments afterwards, Xander was once more staring at his bathroom mirror. The strong light now on in this room vividly showed off the circular bruise on his upper torso in the perfect shape of a steering wheel.
Taking his hands away from the sides of his lifted t-shirt which allowed this article of clothing to fall back down, Xander wandered out of his en-suite bathroom, to then stand thinking in the middle of his bedroom for a while. Eventually, he spoke out loud, "Okay, time to tell other people about this, even if it's…" Looking over at the illuminated bedside clock, Xander cringed, "…three-twenty in the morning!"
Sighing, Xander went off to get dressed. Considering what he and the remaining members of the Scoobies had shared together for nearly twenty years now (all the apocalypses, family conflicts, various relationships with reformed demons, et cetera) Xander was reasonably sure that when he woke up Dawn, Buffy, and Faith here, they wouldn't throw anything too heavy at him.
"Well, he was somewhere," Willow Rosenberg confirmed while standing in the center of the breakfast nook table. Waving her right hand in mystical gestures which had several years before been snarkily accused of making up on the spot, the astral form of the red-haired witch was holding in her left hand the first coffee of the day. From her workshop in the Scotland castle several hours ahead of Cleveland, Willow now said thoughtfully, "Even besides what I just healed him, the traces from being shifted into and back again from another dimension are unmistakable."
Glancing up from her cup of hot chocolate, Dawn dryly asked, as the last of the twinkling lights that had been drifting around a seated Xander now disappeared, "Xan, you're not gonna say, 'But it wasn't a dream. It was a place. And you and you and you...and you were there,' are you?"
Giving the smirking younger Summers sister his best dirty look, Xander was about to say something truly rude, until he was interrupted without even starting by Faith's attack of the giggles. This Slayer had earlier laughed herself out during Xander's entire story of his stay at Faber College, but now she was back again to enjoying it all. Particularly when the brunette woman now snickered, "Hey, I wouldn't minded bein' there, anyways. Not when that Pinto guy had the right idea of me bein' amazin'. Coupla years ago, 'fore I settled down, I woulda given him a ride on the Faith-go-round just for that."
As the Boston native leered around the table, she was a bit disappointed at the unflustered reactions to her coarse remark. All too used to the most wayward of their little family, Xander, Dawn, and Willow merely gazed back at her, and Buffy…
At the moment, Buffy Summers was doing a superb zombie impression, what with her slack jaw, blank eyes staring straight ahead, and slumping posture in her chair. This blonde woman's own cup of hot chocolate was sitting undisturbed on the tabletop, a perfect demonstration of how out of it she was after being literally dragged out of her bed tonight and carried down to the Cleveland House's sitting room off the kitchen.
Wryly eyeing her sister Slayer, Faith thought, *Nobody else in here is gonna think her a legend if they see what B's like now. Good thing Red put a 'go-away' spell on our li'l talk, makin' sure we don't get bothered by anybody wantin' a late snack. They'll eat their own boots 'fore we get interrupted.*
Shaking her head, Faith was abruptly struck by a stray thought out of nowhere. Directing her next comment to Xander, Faith asked him, "Say, was that Bluto guy anythin' like my favorite character in the movie I like best? Ya know, Jake from The Blues Brothers. They were played by the same actor, too. Wouldn't have minded bein' in the same movie with those guys. Jake and Elwood and the band and Ray Charles-"
"Yeah, yeah," interrupted Xander, "we get the idea."
Thinking it over, he shrugged. "I guess there were some things the same, though I never told him about it. It would've been too weird for him to buy." Glancing around the table, where three women were regarding him with fascination and Buffy was beginning to slowly lean forward, Xander casually asked Dawn, "If we're going to be talking about films you want to be in, then what's yours, Dawnie?"
A happy smile slowly appeared on this young lady's face, as she chuckled, "Oh, just offhand- Toy Story, either the first or second. I bet the Dawn-doll in there could make Woody and Buzz Lightyear forget about any Barbie ever made, no question about it." Looking with sudden interest at the intangible form of the most powerful witch in the world smiling back at herself, Dawn then sent out her own question: "So, what movie would you most like to be in, Willow?"
To the unexpected surprise of a pair of females there, the smartest student at Sunnydale High immediately blushed bright red, to then hastily say, "Uh, I have to go now, but I'll tell Giles all about it later today, love you all, Xander, you talk to me right away if you feel any strange effects, goodbye!"
Right after this babble, the astral form of the witch swiftly vanished from where she'd been standing inside a piece of furniture, leaving Faith and Dawn gaping at the empty spot. Both women then heard Xander guffawing to himself from his chair. Simultaneously turning their heads to stare at the man, they then heard from him a short phrase: "To Kill A Mockingbird."
Despite knowing it had to mean something, Faith was yet drawing a blank, until she observed Dawn nodding to herself, and asking Xander, "What, Willow wanted to be Scout from that movie?"
Giving them both, including a still-confused Faith, a very wry grin, Xander nodded, "Either that, or Mrs. Atticus Finch. Wils had a really major crush on Gregory Peck when she was ten."
Giggling over hearing this, Dawn finally noticed Faith had no idea what they were talking about. This produced from the youngest there a firm declaration, "Dibs on Movie Night! Faith, we'll watch it then, and you can see for yourself. Maybe we can talk Willow into coming here, and tease her afterwards!"
"Sounds good to me," cheerfully said the man with the eyepatch. Stifling a yawn, Xander offhandedly asked, "So, Buffy, what's your favorite film to personally visit?"
"Blsfgzt," mumbled this Slayer.
All there stared in surprise at where a fast-asleep Buffy Summers was resting the side of her head on the tabletop, eyes closed and mouth opened enough to allow a line of drool to drip onto the wooden surface.
Both Xander and Dawn now heard from a resigned Faith, "She was up all night with the twins. Might as well as take her back to our bed. When we feed and change the li'l monsters in the mornin', I'll tell her everythin' all over again, and ask what ya wanted to hear, Xan. See ya then, 'kay?"
At her listeners' mutual nods of amused agreement, Faith got up from her chair and walked around to the table to pick up and gently put over her shoulder a woman in a fireman's carry that left a comatose Buffy hanging head downwards. This produced from the blonde Slayer her only reaction during the entire conference, when Buffy let out from the middle of her slumber a happy gurgle and clasped her arms around Faith's waist, to then blissfully use the brunette woman's magnificent rear as a pillow.
Glancing over her shoulder, Faith smirked as she fondly said of her wife, "B knows what Mommy likes. Took her long enough, but we had plenty a' fun gettin' there." Tenderly carrying her beloved back to their apartment, Faith left Xander and Dawn alone in the breakfast nook.
For the next several moments, the pair of Scoobies there sat in companionable silence, with both of them occasionally sipping at their hot chocolate. Xander had snagged Buffy's cup right after she and Faith had left them. However, Dawn had to finally comment, "Look, Xan, what's wrong? And don't tell me there's nothing bugging you, not when we know better. I thought you had a great time in the Animal House movie, so why are you looking so down about it?"
Sighing as he put his empty cup down, Xander had to ruefully answer, "Yeah, you hit the nail on the head, all of 'em. It was a lot of fun, one of the best unplanned vacations I've ever had, except for one tiny little detail." Throwing up his hands in evident exasperation, the one-eyed man now declared, "After it all, I still don't know why I went through everything in the first place! Nothing was ever made clear about 'protecting he who must not be harmed' and the 'doom of her if you fail', which pretty much convinces me the Powers That Be were just yanking my chain over the whole situation! I'm telling you, Dawnie, right now I feel like I spent a couple of hours reading a mystery novel, only to find out at the end of the story that someone ripped out the entire last chapter, and I'll never know who the murderer was!"