Thanks to Miss Taylor Swift for inspiring me to finish this chapter and Avengers: Endgame for keeping me from doing so.

This is dedicated to the Guest who commented on New Year's Day, saying that it was "fucked up at the beginning and became complete shit and wasn't worth reading the rest." I hope you have a good day.

She walked through the door, arm-in-arm with Maya, her other hand clasped in her boyfriend's. And froze, because Augie was crying, and her mom looked terrified, and she ran through the list of people that could be hurt (Josh, Uncle Eric, Uncle Shawn, Grandma, Grampa, Grandma Rhiannon, Feeny, Uncle Jon, Ava, Aunt Morgan).

"Tell her no, dad!" Augie yelled, and Riley felt her body sag in relief, even as she felt that anxiety close up her throat.

"Tell her no!"

"No to what, Auggie?"

"Since I joined this firm, I wanted to be partner," her mother told them, slumped in her chair, "They just made me partner!"

"That's great," her dad walked over to her mom, pulling her into a deep embrace, "I'm so proud of you, Topanga. I knew you could do it."

"No!" Auggie screamed again, and Riley tensed, waiting for what had sent her little brother into such a frenzy.

"They made me partner," her mom continued, reaching over to card her hands through Auggie's hair, trying to calm him down, "Of the London office."

Riley could vaguely hear Auggie telling her dad to ask her mom how she was going to do that from New York, but she was frozen between Maya and Lucas, and her legs were giving out from underneath her. She tried to breathe and found her lungs broken. She wondered if she was having a heart attack.

And Riley just broke.

She was crying, she knew, and vaguely thought she was screaming too. Screaming for them to stay away, for them to not touch her. Lucas was still holding her arm, tighter than ever, and in the back of her mind, she knew that he was the only thing that was keeping her from falling, but she had to get away, had to run. She tried to stumble away and barely hit the sofa before collapsing entirely.

"She's having a panic attack," her mom said, "I used to get them all the time, in high school." Riley thought she was explaining to Maya and Lucas, and she desperately wanted her to be here, instead, helping Riley.

She wasn't though, she didn't care. She cared more about Maya and Lucas than her own daughter. In her blind panic, Riley stood up again, feeling like she was going to faint, and managed to make it to the bathroom, slamming and locking the door behind her.

"Riley, let me in," her mom said, voice soft. Riley shook her head, sending tears flying, even though her mom couldn't see her.

"Riley," her mom's voice was sterner this time, and Riley cringed against the door, trying to block out whatever she'd done wrong, "If you don't open this door, I can't help you. Come on, baby, open up."

"We can't, mom, we can't go," she tried to insist, voice thick.

"That's not just your decision, Riley. I'm sorry, love, but it can't be. This has to be a family decision."

It didn't. It wasn't going to be. It was going to be her mom's decision, and Topanga Lawrence-Matthews' decisions were always final. The decision made would be final, and soon, and would change her life no matter what it was. And Riley didn't want to change.

"Please come out, Riley. We're going to make the right decision, but it has to be done together."

No, it doesn't.

She didn't say it. She thought about it, even opened her mouth a couple of times to do so, but couldn't. Because it would fundamentally change their family dynamics, in a way that a panic attack never could. Riley standing up to her mom would change things. So she didn't. She stood up and went to the sink, washed her face clean and then unlocked the door. Her mom hugged her tight and Riley didn't know if she needed it or hated it, but she melted into it anyway.

She'd refused to talk to her mom about her panic attack. She'd said that it was the first time it had happened, had said that it wouldn't happen again. Had said it was because of shock. But that night, she'd opened her laptop and typed panic disorder into the search bar.

Panic Disorder | Anxiety and Depression Association of America, ADAA

Panic disorder can interfere a lot with daily life, causing people to miss work, go to many doctor visits, and avoid situations where they fear they might experience a panic attack. The interference is greatest when people also have agoraphobia, as well as panic disorder.

Quiz: Do I Have Panic Disorder?

Take our Do I Have A Panic Disorder Quiz to see if you may be suffering from a panic disorder.

Panic Disorder: What It Is and How to Get Help - WebMD

Panic attacks often happen at random and can leave you shaken. They're a symptom of panic disorder, a type of anxiety disorder. Here's what…

She just about slammed the lid shut, although she was careful not to make too much noise. She took a deep breath, in and out, like Farkle had taught her, and slowly opened it again. The results still sat there, glaring and bright on the screen, and there was no way she was ready for what those links led to. She pulled a notebook towards her and tore out a piece of paper.

She scribbled down the second link, folded up the piece of paper, and shoved it into the second drawer of her night stand. Then she closed the search and cleared her browser history. Maybe Farkle was right, but that didn't mean she needed help. Her solution wasn't perfect, but she was handling it fine. For now.

She didn't talk to any of her friends all weekend. Well, she'd texted Farkle the news, and then she'd shut off all her notifications and refused to look at what anyone had to say.

So, when she walked into History on Monday, she could feel their eyes on her.

"Has your mom made a decision on the London job offer yet?" Maya asked, and RIley just barely refrained from rolling her eyes.

"Don't you think you'll hear as soon as I've heard?" She asked.

"I don't know. I texted you over the weekend and you didn't respond. Wondered if you'd decided to make it easier on yourself by cutting us all out now."

"I just needed some time," Riley insisted, "I was embarrassed. I had a panic attack over nothing, in front of both of you."

Farkle's head shot up to look at her, and she shook her head back at him. Not the time. No, I haven't told them. Don't say anything. He pursed his lips and cocked an eyebrow, but said nothing. And she took what she could get.

"Riley, you didn't need to be embarrassed," Lucas tried to tell her, standing up to pull her into a hug, "We love you. We don't care that you had a panic attack."

"Do you think we could do this somewhere that isn't the middle of the History class?" she hissed.

"Everyone here cares for you, Riley," Lucas told her, and she gritted her teeth in response.

"I know that, but this isn't the time. I just want to get through the day, okay?" She pulled away, moving to sit in her chair, but Lucas grabbed her wrist.

"I love you, Riley," he told her, and he'd said this before, she knew he loved her. But he didn't get to do this, didn't get to use what they had against her. She pulled her wrist from this grip, moving to sit down, saying nothing.

"We need to face this, Riles. This is the end of Riley and Maya." Maya tried to insist, but Riley turned to face the front.

"This isn't happening."

"Yes it is, Riley," Farkle insisted, and she refused to look at him, didn't want the pain and heartache she was feeling to shine through.

"How do you know that?" She asked, still not looking back.

"Look at the board."

BELGIUM 1831

"The Netherlands was a group of friendly states who thought they'd stay together forever-" her dad said, and she kept looking straight ahead, even as Farkle broke in, saying, "Belgium 1831 is us."

"-until Belgium made the decision it was time to go." He dad continued, as if nothing had happened.

"It was decided that Belgium would no longer be part of the United Kingdom of the Netherlands, but its own independent country. Belgium was free. At that point, Belgium was no longer part of a group, but its own sovereign nation ready to meet the world on its own terms."

"What if it wasn't ready yet? What if none of us are ready for this?" Maya asked, desperate. "I'm not ready for this, Riley."

"So, Belgium 1831 is about our freedom?" Riley asks, and her dad smiled sadly in response.

"That was my plan. But sometimes, things happen in life earlier than they're supposed to."

"So, what do we do?"

"Our best," her dad said, "Like we've always done. We leave our good mark and we hope that people remember us fondly."

"I did my best. I hope that you remember me fondly."

"Riley, I know your mother. I know she'll seek out the advice of everyone close to her. I know she'll listen to what we have to say. And I know her decision will be the right one," her dad told her, and she couldn't help but ask-

"No matter what it is?"

" No matter what it is, we go with her." was the answer, and she nodded, because really, she'd known that all along.

Riley didn't go home. She didn't go to Topanga's, either. She went to Farkle's. She knew everyone was over at her place- Shawn and Josh and Uncle Eric and her grandparents, and probably as many more people as her mom could fit into one room. It was a good sign, she knew, that her mother was getting advice, but she couldn't be there for it. So instead, she and Farkle took the subway down to his place, and then curled up on the couch and watched Into the Woods. They didn't talk about it, didn't talk about anything.

Until, eventually, she passed him her phone, open on the results page of a quiz she'd taken.

You answered Yes to 5 question(s).

If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, you might have panic disorder or panic symptoms. Panic attacks can be very scary, and it is normal to feel initially concerned about these sensations. Panic disorder affects about 2-3% of people (adults and children) in the United States per year, so you are not alone. The good news is that panic disorder can be successfully treated with Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, which will help you learn how to effectively manage your panic disorder. If you are experiencing any of the above symptoms, and they are negatively interfering with your life, it might be time to seek help.

It will be important to begin with a structured psychiatric evaluation by a professional to see if you meet criteria for panic disorder, which will inform your treatment plan. Our mental health impacts many aspects of our lives, such as our physical health and our quality of life, which is why it is so important to address any mental health problems with effective treatments.

This material is not a substitute for the advice of a licensed professional. To begin your search for a mental health professional, go to the ADAA's Therapist Directory.

"You can't tell anyone," she insisted fiercely, "Farkle, this doesn't change anything. Swear to me."

"I've loved you since the first grade," Farkle told her, "I'd do anything for you, Riley."

"I know. That's why I'm asking you to do this. Please."

"I always will, wherever you are," Farkle continued, as if she hadn't said anything, "I can't let anything hurt you, Riley. Especially not you."

"Everything hurts me, Farkle," she tried to explain, "This panic thing. London. My relationship with Lucas, sometimes. I just needed to know this, I needed to know how to stop it. But I'm not broken, I don't need a psychiatrist or meds or whatever else. I just- need some help."

"And if you go to London?" Farkle shot back, "Who's going to be helping you then?"

"If I go to London, it doesn't matter anymore," she told him.

"It matters to me."

He pressed a kiss to her forehead, whisper soft, and she closed her eyes against it.

"I love you, Farkle."

"I love you too."

"Take me to Mars," she pleaded, "Take me to Mars so I don't have to go to London. You, me, Mars. We could do it."

"Riley," he whispered, and then she caught his lips in another kiss, even softer than the first.

Their heads rested together, his arms still around her, and he breathed her in.

"I'm sorry!" She exclaimed before he could say anything, "But if this was the end- I had to see-"

"Riley, you and Lucas-"

"Farkle, I fought for me and Lucas. I love Lucas. Maybe one day, I'll be in love with Lucas. But-" she broke off to swallow.

"But?" Farkle prompted.

"But Mars," she shrugged, blinking back tears. Real tears, not panic tears. "But Mars, Farkle. Lucas will never give me Mars."

"Neither will I," he frowned in confusion, "Riley, I'm not a kid anymore. I don't plan on colonizing Mars for us."

"But you once did." Riley explained, "I don't want the planet, Farkle. I want the promise. And-" she broke off, furiously wiping away the tears that dripped silently over her cheeks, and then changed direction, "I don't want London."

"Your mom won't move if she sees it affects you like this," Farkle assured her, but she shook her head, "I don't want her to resent me. I don't want to resent myself for stopping her." She sighed, "I'll see where she takes me."

"You'll come back, though?" He asked, "For college. And after that."

"Yeah," she nodded. "Nowhere I'd rather be."

He smiled through his own tears, and they turned but to the movie, credits rolling. They said nothing.

She found Maya later, after she went home, in the Bay Window.

"Hey."

"Hey."

Riley sat down, and Maya turned to look out the window at the city.

"Shawn's adopting me."

"Maya, that's wonderful!" she declared, genuine happiness for Maya clouding everything else out.

"Yeah." Maya faced her again, and her eyes were glassy with tears, "Maya Hunter. What do you think?"

"Yeah." Riley confirmed, "Definitely."

"Too bad you won't be here to see it."

"We don't know that yet," Riley tried to tell her, even as more of those treacherous tears started slipping out, "We don't."

"Your mom will do great in London, Riles," Maya told her, "She should go."

"I shouldn't."

"I don't know if we get a choice in that."

They sat in silence for nearly a minute, each second ticking by, terribly slow, before Maya broke it again, "Riley?"

"Yeah?"

"Goodbye."

"No."

The whole family met her mom in Topanga's, sitting in the dark.

"I've made my decision," she said softly, "Please don't try to talk me out of it."

"We know better," her dad responded, sitting next to her and putting his arm around her, "So?"

"So, there are a lot of exciting reasons to go. A new place, a new adventure, my promotion. There are a whole bunch of reasons to go. But I've got one reason to stay. Every time I watch you girls in the bay window, I've remembered how much we wanted a place like it of our own. A place where important decisions are made and the best next steps of your life are planned and considered. We would do great in England. We would do great anywhere in the world. I could run the London office. Maybe someday, I'll get to run the New York office. But the place I love running is this place that we're in right now. Where your friends come in, and you plan the best next steps of your life, like we're doing right now. This is my bay window. And I'm not leaving it."

"So, New York?" She had to be sure.

Her mom nodded.

"New York."

The rest of the week passed by in a blur of relief. Her dad finished his syllabus on the United Kingdom of the Netherlands, but she hardly heard it. Lucas didn't let go of her hand, and she didn't care. Maya caught her in a hug whenever they saw each other, and she barely managed to put her arms in the right place. She felt like she'd used up all of her emotions.

When she'd told Farkle, he'd smiled at her, soft, and nodded, like he already knew. He'd kissed her cheek and gone to his first class.

In the last class of Friday, her dad had written BELGIUM 1831 on the board again.

"So what have you learned?" He asked, looking around. Only Farkle's hand went up, and he nodded, letting him answer.

"There comes a time when the right thing to do is to leave the friends you know, see what's out there, and face a new world." Farkle said, his eyes on her.

"Yeah? What do you have to say about that?"

He stood up and walked to the board, erasing what was written.

"Not yet."

Their eyes met.

Neither looked away.