She Will Be Loved

~Chapter 11 –Revelations~
BPOV

When you've hit rock bottom, the only place to go is up….

When I was put in the jail cell, I felt completely dead inside. I lost everything again, and I only had myself to blame. I was reckless, and I took Tanya's word when I should have checked her story and made sure Edward was really back in the military. Even if he was really overseas however, I probably would have still ended up in jail, but had I known she was lying, I would have never taken Anthony in the first place. I knew Anthony loved Edward more than anybody, and I really was happy about that. I just prayed I didn't emotionally scar Anthony for the rest of his life.

When Edward came in to question me, I completely shut off again. At that point, the truth was like a childhood fairytale; something I knew, but didn't really believe anymore. I had invented so many lies over the years that it was hard to see through the haze they caused, in order to focus on something real.

But Edward actually defending Tanya was like a hard kick to the face... "Tanya may be a shitty mother, but she loves him in her own way, and you have no right to take a child from his parent. …" he said agitatedly.

"She's NOT HIS MOTHER!" I screamed out, I couldn't help it. There he was, feeling sorry for Tanya because I took her child from her, when the truth was the exact opposite. She took my baby, but no one was ever pissed at her for it, in fact, my mother even said she was proud of her. I was so angry that I was literally seeing red. In that moment I couldn't remember the reasons why I kept myself from telling him the truth for so long, in that moment I just needed to be heard. I didn't know what would happen to him as far as the rape charge would go, but I just prayed that Tanya would be satisfied enough just having me behind bars, that she would have a little mercy and compassion for him. Even if I was positive he'd end up in jail however, I couldn't stop the outpour of truth once the flood gates were cracked. It was impossible to undo what had been done, and I knew both of our lives would never be the same.

…But of course, Edward didn't believe me. But why should he believe me? My story was ridiculous, and he had been living in their lie for almost a decade. Since the truth was finally out though, I became suddenly desperate for him to believe me.

"I'm not lying to you, Edward," I told him, but he still wouldn't listen. I used to always wonder what Edward would say if he ever learned the truth, but I never imagined that he would refuse to even consider the possibility of it being true.

"Why are you saying this, Bella?" he asked completely closing himself off from my story. "Anthony looks just like me, everyone says it. If Tanya stole Anthony, then he wouldn't look like me."

And that's when I realized why he was resisting the truth, he thought I was telling him that Tanya stole him randomly, which would make him not really his son. Edward was an amazing father and he loved Anthony with a fierceness; he loved him enough to stay in a horrible marriage making his life miserable because he thought it was what was best for his son, and he thought my truth meant he would lose him.

"I never said he wasn't yours," I said calmly, looking him straight in the eye.

"How is that possible?" he asked me desperately. "How could he be mine and not hers?"

"Because he's mine," I blurted out.

"Bella YOU NEED TO STOP!" he yelled. I thought it would be a relief to finally have the truth out, but the fact that he still didn't believe me, made me angry…and desperate.

"NO! I've held this in for too long, and I'm not going to do it anymore," I said forcefully. The words were like glass in my mouth, and if I had to chew on them, I'd make damn sure it was worth it and he believed me. "You wanted me to tell you what happened to me; well that's what I'm doing. You were drunk off your ass at that fucking party and you thought I was her. I was in her bed because there were people fucking in my room, and you went in there and stumbled your way to me, and then you fucked me."

"You're sick, you know that," he said frantically in disbelief. "You really need help."

And then, I exploded. "I cried for a fucking week straight after that. It hurt like hell but I was so in love with you that I didn't even care, but then you were just gone afterwards. I was so freaked out that I didn't talk to anyone for days. I realized that I was pregnant a few months later, but I hid it because I was too scared to tell anyone. When my parents finally found out, it was too late for an abortion, but leave it to my loving older sister to have the perfect fucking solution. They didn't even ask me; I gave birth to him and they gave him right to her, as if I was nothing but a fucking incubator. They said if I ever told anyone, you would go to jail for statutory rape, so for almost eleven years now, I kept my fucking mouth shut."

He looked sick…literally. I really thought he was going to vomit right then and there, which made me feel ten times worse than I already did. My entire body was trembling as the adrenalin pumped through my veins, numbing the wave of hurt his reaction caused me. I had been holding on to that for so long, trying like hell to contain it as it boiled just below the surface, and then it erupted taking us both out in its path.

He turned to leave, but I couldn't let him go without telling him that I was pregnant for the second time with his baby. Edward was a father first and foremost in his life, so I knew that if anything would make him wait in that moment, it was knowing the fact he was going to have another child.

By that point, I wasn't trying to get him to forgive me, I just needed to beg him take care of my children. I knew giving birth while being an inmate would basically mean that they would take the baby away from me quickly, and give it to social services unless its father was available to care for it. So Edward needed to be ready to raise a second child, and I needed him to assure me that Tanya wouldn't get her greasy hands on it. But more importantly, I needed him to assure me that he would tell both of our kids how much I love them, and that I was extremely sorry for the reason I was absent in their lives. I knew he would care for them and love them like no other, but I was desperate to not be forgotten again, and I never wanted them to think that I didn't love them more than anything.

But Edward couldn't make me any assurances. He wouldn't promise me that he would tell our children that I loved them, and for the first time since I first lost Anthony, I cried. I broke down and sobbed on the jail floor. It was more painful than any physical pain I ever felt, and I didn't know how I would get through the next few hours, little alone a life in prison. I was completely defeated, and I had nothing left inside of me to keep fighting with.

I cried for hours, broken and distraught in my jail cell. I cried for all the years I lost with Anthony, and I cried for all the years I would miss with both of my children. I cried for Edward, and I even cried for my lost family. As much as I hated them currently, I missed the way things were. I missed the Sunday mornings when my dad and I would make omelets, I missed the way my mother would comb out my hair and tell me that she wished she had hair like mine; hell, I even missed the times when Tanya would lay across my bed on her stomach, and do my nails. I missed the time when life was simple and calm. I missed normalcy…whatever that meant.

After my hours of tears were over, I dried my face and sat up, ready to face whatever life had in store for me. I couldn't continue to feel sorry for myself, I had to accept it and find some strength for the child still inside me. Like when I was pregnant with Anthony, I knew I wasn't alone because I carried my baby with me everywhere I went. Prison was going to be difficult, and if I didn't find some courage, then I would be swallowed whole.

I wondered how long I was going to be kept in that tiny cell; it wasn't a long term prison, so it was only a matter of time until I was transferred to wherever I would serve out my sentence. But after I was forced to spend another long cold night in that room, I got another visitor.

"Hey kiddo," Charlie said quietly. "It's been a long time."

I was absolutely flabbergasted to see my father after so long. I didn't understand why he would go all the way to Vegas to see me in jail, when he never once tried to come to any of my psychology appointments Esme tried to bring them in on in Seattle. I didn't understand it, but I didn't question it either. I wanted to reach through the bars and ask him to hold me the way he used to whenever a nightmare terrified me, but I wasn't a little girl anymore, and I wasn't having a nightmare.

"What are you doing here?" I asked bitterly.

"I tried to come yesterday, but Edward took my timeslot," he said with a heavy hearted smile. "He didn't look too happy when he came out of here, and he packed up Anthony right away and took off for Washington," Charlie explained distantly. "Tanya said he threatened her to stay away from Anthony. I suppose that's the way it should be."

"You suppose," I said sarcastically. "She should have never had him in the first place."

"Bella, I know that none of this matters anymore, but I am so sorry for what happened to you. I didn't know what to do, or how to handle the fact that my fifteen year old daughter was going to have a baby, so I did the worst thing a father could possibly do, I checked out. I didn't know how to be at home anymore, so I spent as much time at work as possible just to escape the fact that I had completely lost my little girl."

"I wasn't lost… At least not at that point," I told him angrily. "I wasn't a child anymore, but I still needed you and you weren't there."

"I know, and not being there for you during those months was the biggest mistake of my life," he said sadly. "It didn't matter that you wanted to give Anthony up for adoption, I should have still realized that it was an extremely emotional thing for you. My sister had a baby when she was seventeen and gave him up, she was sad, but she moved on with her life, and I thought you would too."

"Wait a minute, I never wanted to give Anthony up," I said incredulously.

"Bella, you signed the papers," he said confused.

"No, I didn't. Mom tricked me into signing them. She didn't let me read any of it, and said they were just legal paperwork for the hospital from having the baby. I thought I needed to sign them in order to be discharged with Anthony. "

As I spoke, Charlie's face literally changed color. It went from pale, to bright red, to purple, and then a little green, and back to pale again. "Renee said you were sure when you signed those papers," he said through gritted teeth. "I knew you had a hard time when we brought him home, but I thought that if you really wanted him back, you would have retracted the adoption papers."

"What?" I asked furiously. "How could I have retracted the adoption papers?"

"Bells, your mother explained all this to you…didn't she?"

Unable to speak in that moment, I shook my head no.

"There's a period of time when an adoption can be overturned. It gives the birth mother a chance to think about her decision and change her mind if she wanted to. Renee told me she had this entire conversation with you, and that you assured her that you didn't want to keep him yourself. She said you were just happy to have him stay in the family."

"Well, Renee is a lying bitch!" I yelled with tears rolling down my face. I was fifteen at the time and uneducated about the law, and had no idea what my rights were. It was even worse considering that my father was a police officer and yet, I was clueless. I trusted my mother, and she used me. She lied, and didn't even care how badly it hurt.

Charlie looked like he was going to fall over from the gravity of realizing that Renee had lied to us both, so he stumbled to a chair, and sat down before burying his face in his hands.

"Why didn't you come when Esme called you to meet with me?" I asked through my angry tears.

He looked up at me and shook his head subtly. "Who's Esme?" he asked confused.

"Dr. Esme Cullen. My psychologist in Seattle," I said slowly.

He shook his head faster then. "Bella, I haven't heard from you since you ran away from that school in Chicago. I had no idea you were in Seattle. Do you really think that if I had known you were there that I wouldn't have gone to find you? I didn't understand why you ran away; the school said you got involved with some troubled kids there and kept getting drugs somehow, and then you ran away with them. I kept thinking that you would come back, that you wouldn't want to leave Anthony entirely, but the longer you stayed away, the more I lost hope of ever seeing you again. It was like you just disappeared, and I felt completely helpless."

"But you went along with it. You stood by and watched Tanya give Edward my baby, and tell him he was hers."

"I thought that's what you wanted. Edward was his father, and if he knew you were really Anthony's mother, things could get very bad quickly," he said quietly.

"I didn't want him to go to jail," I whispered, and then I started worrying again. "Dad, you can't let Tanya have him arrested, he can't be taken away from Anthony."

"Arrested for what?" Charlie asked confused.

"For the rape. He knows everything now, so Tanya is going to have him arrested," I said in a panic.

"Bells, honey, he can't be arrested for that," he told me softly.

"What? Why?"

"One, there's a statute of limitations on all rape cases, and two, in cases like yours, the parents would need to be the ones to press charges," he explained slowly.

"So…so…. So, Edward was never at risk for going to jail?" I asked with a new round of tears.

"Renee talked about having him arrested when it first happened, but it's been a long time since there was the possibility of that."

"But you didn't say anything when she talked about him being put in jail, you just walked out of the room," I said quietly, trying to grasp onto anything I could to keep myself angry at my father. I had hated all of them for so long, that it was hard to let go of even an ounce of it.

"I was angry that she even mentioned pressing charges against him. I mean, the boy just lost his parents and then was overseas and had no idea any of it was happening. So, when she brought up the legalities of it all, knowing I was a cop and would have to follow through with it, I just got angry and left. She was trying to manipulate me, just like she did our entire marriage, and I just couldn't deal with it in that moment. We didn't speak to each other for weeks after that, but Bella, I was a coward and I was never the father you needed, and I'll be sorry about that for the rest of my life. Tanya did the same shit to Edward over the years, but at least Edward didn't put up with it the way I always had."

"He stayed with her," I muttered in disagreement.

"Yeah, because he was worried that if he left, it would just be a hella of a lot harder for Anthony. I didn't leave physically all those years, but I wasn't there emotionally and you paid the price. Edward was at least there for his son every day. What he and Tanya had, wasn't a marriage; he came home from Iraq, and lived in a war zone at home ever since. He somehow managed to shield Anthony from the battles, but it still had an effect on both of them. When I heard they were divorcing, I was surprised, but happy for him. He got out before there could be permanent damage done to Anthony."

"Your marriage to mom had nothing to do with what happened to me," I argued.

"I hoped it wouldn't affect you, but it did. You might have still ended up pregnant, but if I had divorced your mom sooner, then as odd as it sounds, I would have been more active in your life, I would have had to be. I wouldn't have just trusted her to have those conversations with you; I would have made sure I read everything, and been there to be positive that you understood what you were getting yourself into….or out of, in this case. Your mom and I would have had joint custody, so when you were with me, I wouldn't have been able to spend the entire time at work, and I would have some time alone with you to really get to know how you felt… As it was, your mom was always around you at that time, she never really gave me a chance to talk to you when I was home. I'm not making excuses here Bells, and I'm just as much to blame for all of this as she is, but I need you to know how deeply sorry I am for it all."

"Are you still married to her?" I asked absently.

"We divorced five years ago…it should have been fifteen years ago. She has never really had a job, and I don't make enough money to support us separately, so unfortunately we still live together in the house. But we don't speak unless necessary or if Anthony is over visiting."

"You don't need to keep supporting her," I told him.

"I know…I just never had the heart to put her on the street. She's the mother of my only child…"

"I lived on the street for months," I said getting heated again. "And she's not my mother. She's the woman who gave birth to me, but I was nothing more than Tanya's shadow to her. She gave Tanya everything she had, and only threw me the scraps when she was done. Not once did I ever get anything of my own, everything I had was Tanya's hand-me-downs. Edward was mine, but Tanya took him, Anthony was my baby, but Renee just handed him over to Tanya like he was nothing more than one of her gourmet muffins. He was a human being, and they had no right to take him from me like I was nothing. What would have happened to him if Tanya didn't want him? Would I have gotten to keep him then? I wasn't the only fifteen year old to have gotten pregnant in the world, you both could have helped me with him until I was ready to take care of him on my own."

"I'm so sorry, Bella. I swear to you that I didn't know you wanted him. She told me…." Charlie abruptly stopped his explanation, and then closed his eyes and took a deep breath before continuing. "I'm not going to make excuses for what happened to you. You deserved a right to raise your son, and I failed you as your father. If I could go back and make it right, I would. I would do anything to give you back the time you lost, but I can't. I'm so, so sorry…" he said and then broke down and started crying. I never saw my father cry before, and even though it didn't make up for what happened, I forgave him. I needed to forgive him, I needed to let go some of the anger and hatred I had been carrying around for so long because it had become a disease in my life. I was in no way innocent in everything; we all had a part in the mess that we were all lost in, and I had done some things that were unforgivable as well. If I couldn't forgive my father when he was asking for it, then what right did I have to ask for forgiveness from my children when they become old enough to understand?

"We've all done things that were terribly wrong," I told him as I cried with him. "I don't know why I didn't tell Edward who I was when he thought I was Tanya that night. He was drunk, but he wasn't hallucinating. I could have made him realize what was happening, I could have stopped it, but I didn't want to.

"You were fourteen years old," Charlie defended me.

"It doesn't matter. There were a lot of fourteen and fifteen year olds at my school that had been with guys Edward's age. I was a freshman, he was a senior, our age difference wasn't unheard of. I knew what I was doing, I knew he thought I was her, I didn't care. Afterwards, I hid from him. He didn't leave for a few days afterwards, I could have told him the truth, but I didn't."

"You were scared," he tried reasoning.

"Yeah, I was, but that's no excuse….I'm pregnant again," I told Charlie abruptly.

"You are?" he asked horrified at the thought of me being pregnant in jail.

"Yeah, see I can get myself into messes without any help from you or Renee…or even Tanya," I said with a humorless laugh.

"Does the father know?" he asked hesitantly.

"It's Edward, and yeah I told him yesterday."

"Edward? How…when did that happen?" he asked confused.

"We ran into each other in Seattle, and…long story short, I ended up staying with him and Anthony for a week when Tanya was in Italy." I paused and then shrugged with more tears. "I wanted to get pregnant. I was so stupid and thought I could actually fill the hole Anthony left. I told Edward I was on birth control when I knew I could get pregnant….I kidnapped Anthony, and even when I realized that Tanya lied about Edward going back into the military, I still wasn't going to bring Anthony back." I dried my face, but it was no use because the tears wouldn't stop. "You see, I'm not innocent here, and I'm no better than Tanya, I'm worse even. She tried to get pregnant before she knew she couldn't, and then she used Anthony to keep Edward with her. But I tried to get pregnant, and had no intentions of ever telling Edward. I was going to take my baby and leave Edward thinking Anthony was his only child. I actually thought I had a right to do something like that, I actually thought it was only fair since I couldn't be Anthony's mother….I was so, so, stupid. How could I have been so heartless and cruel?"

"Honey, you are not heartless," Charlie said sternly while reaching through the bars to caress my face. "You have had a traumatic life. It would be difficult for anyone to think straight in your situation. It doesn't matter what you were planning to do, what matters is what you did do."

"I got arrested, otherwise, I would have done it," I said full of self-loathing.

"No, you wouldn't have. Look at you. You don't hate yourself right now because you got arrested; you hate yourself because you know it was wrong. You would have brought Anthony home, and you would have told Edward about your pregnancy because you don't have it in you to knowingly hurt people. You are not Tanya, and you are not Renee. You're better than them, always have been, and always will be. Sometimes good people do things that are wrong, and bad people can do the right thing, but it's what they do afterwards that makes the difference. The two of them, they don't have any remorse. They don't care about the people they've hurt, all they care about is what's best for them. Don't ever compare yourself to them again, Bella. You have a good heart, and even though you've been misguided, you have done it all out of love."

"You haven't seen me in a decade, you don't know me anymore," I whispered.

"Of course I do. You have the same heart you have always had, the one that cared for injured animals, and brought blankets and food to a scared boy. It's the same heart that stood by while the person you loved most, broke your heart to be with your sister. The same heart that was still there for Edward despite the pain he caused you, and comforted him when his parents were killed. You were the one who all your friends turned to when they had a problem or were upset about something, and they wouldn't have done that if you weren't the best person they knew. A heart like that doesn't change."

"A lot of good it does me in jail," I said brokenly. "Maybe I can start an inmate caring circle."

"I'm going to get you out of here, Bella, I promise. I failed you before, but I'm not going to do it again," he said with conviction.

"I don't see how you can help dad, we're sort of out of your jurisdiction here," I reminded him.

"I'll figure something out."

"Five more minutes," a guard said suddenly.

Charlie looked at him angrily, and then looked back at me emotionally. "I know that my inactions might make this seem untrue, but I love you more than anything, and I swear to you, I will get you out."

"You know what I just thought of," I said dismissively, not wanting to put any hope into getting out any time soon. "The last time I saw you, I was in jail in Forks, remember?" I said with a heavyhearted smile.

"My hands were tied back then, Bells. You stole a lot of stuff, and I was lucky to be able to get you transferred to that school. But if there was a way to get you out, I would have. I wanted to go and say goodbye to you so badly…I was just such a coward," he said while crying again. "I should have seen it as a cry for help, and not superficial teen rebellion. I'm so sorry."

"It doesn't matter anymore," I said softly.

"Times up," the guard said.

Charlie looked at me with a lifetime's worth of regret, and then he smiled sadly. "You grew up into a beautiful woman, and I'm going to make sure you have a life that's worthy of you. I'll get you out," he said again.

"I love you dad," I told him honestly. Despite everything, I would always love him.

"I love you too, honey," he said sadly, and then reluctantly followed the guard out of the room.

I didn't know how to feel from the sudden heart to heart with my father. I was still angry about a lot of things he did, or didn't do, but it felt so good to let a lot of it go. I didn't believe he could get me out, but knowing he was trying made me confident that he still cared, and that I wasn't going to be forgotten.

A few more days past and Jake visited me whenever he could, but then I was finally transferred into a more permanent facility to await trial.

"Uh, why am I getting on a plane?" I asked confused as they lead me on board.

"The crime happed in Washington, so you're being brought back there," one of the officers explained.

I was actually happy about the move; just knowing I was in the same state as Anthony again, was a strange comfort. That, and the fact that when my baby was born, it wouldn't have very far to travel home to be with its dad and brother.

When I got to Washington State Penitentiary however, I wished I was back in the Vegas jail. I had a cellmate, and she was an absolute lunatic.

"If you touch any of my things, I will cut you," she threatened me the moment we were alone in our cell.

"I won't touch anything," I said half nervous and half annoyed.

"So, you knocked up?" she asked me pryingly.

"Why do you ask that?" I wondered because I wasn't showing yet.

"This is the special unit wing, so most of the chicks here are knocked up or retarded."

"Which one are you?" I asked her irritated.

She laughed like a smartass. "Neither, I'm underage."

"Then why are you in an adult prison?" I asked her curiously.

"Because I killed someone brutally, so I was convicted as an adult."

"Oh," I said uneasy.

"So, are you knocked up?" she asked again.

"Yeah," I said hesitantly. "Who did you kill?

She smiled sadistically. "My mother, while she was pregnant with my little brother."

"Why?" I asked disturbed.

"Because I don't like pregnant people," she said straight faced.

I looked at her horrified, and automatically shielded my stomach with my hand.

"My name is Jane, by the way. We're going to have a ton of fun together," she said with a smirk.

She was entirely sadistic, and when I met with my public defender that evening, I requested a new cellmate.

"If she killed her mother while pregnant, then why is she rooming with a pregnant person?" I asked in a panic.

"I already had your cellmate checked out, and she didn't kill any pregnant women. She's a chronic liar, but not a baby killer. She was arrested for getting into a fight at her school, and the other girl hit her head and died. She's not even a minor, she's eighteen."

"Oh."

"Don't let these women get to you; you'll probably never hear the truth from any of them."

I nodded, but didn't feel much better.

"So, am I even getting a trial?" I asked after a minute.

"Well, we'll start with a hearing to see if a trial is even necessary. If you are going to fight the charges, then you'll go to trial. But unfortunately the evidence against you is pretty strong, and the judge will go easier on you if you don't push for a trial."

I knew he was right, I knew going to a trial was a waste of time. It didn't matter that Anthony was my son; I still kidnapped him from his legal guardian, so there wasn't anything I could do to get out of it. My only hope was that if I cooperated and told the judge my story, I would get a lighter sentence.

Life in the prison sucked, but I suppose it could have been a lot worse. I was in a special division of the jail, so basically after my baby was born and ripped away from me, I would be moved in with the harder criminals and my life would be nothing but hell from then on….so pretty much, my life wouldn't be much different than what I was used to.

It was prison policy that all new inmates weren't allowed to have any visitors for the first month, so my dad couldn't visit me, but I did get a letter from him the third day I was there. It didn't say anything new, it was just more apologies and his love for me.

I was at the Washington prison for over two weeks, and I had still never heard from Edward. I didn't expect him to send roses and candy, or whispered words of devotion in between the lines of a love letter, but since I was pregnant with his baby, I thought he'd at least write. I just had to accept the fact that he couldn't forgive me, so as much as it hurt, I tried not to hope for any contact from him other than when he came to pick up our baby.

But then, everything changed again….

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