Chapter Eleven

"Would it be so bad? To be with me, forever?" Eric was hurting, but for once I didn't feel any sympathy for him. He was missing the point.

"You want to protect me from everyone else. But you're fine with killing me as long as it makes me your slave forever?" I was getting past my panic and fear. Whatever happened now, at least I finally knew something with absolute certainty. I did not want to be a vampire.

"I would not make you subservient," he sounded offended and pleading.

"No." I was trembling as I said it. "I'd rather die for real than have you do that to me."

"Sookie," he started, his voice soft.

"No!" I cut him off, standing up so I could walk away from him. "We wouldn't be together anyway. Vampires don't get to stay together. You just want to save your own skin." I couldn't blame him for that, but I was still hurt by the thought that it might be true.

"You know I will risk my life for you. Why would you ask me to throw it away? And Pam's life, too?" His anger was battling his hurt.

"I'm not asking for that! I never asked for any of this! I never asked to be bonded to you. I didn't even know what it would mean. None of this was my choice! You forced this on me." My anger dominated my pain, at least for now.

"I did not force this bond. Andre did. Just because I don't hate it does not mean I chose it."

"Bullshit. You would have done it, eventually. You'd been trying to do it since the day we met."

"I love you." He said it as if that could change everything.

"You're obsessed with me." The words were coming out of my mouth without passing through my brain first. I was hurting him, I could feel it, but I wasn't sure I was wrong, so I didn't stop. "You brought all of this on me. I never chose any of it, but you did."

He didn't tell me I was wrong. Maybe I wasn't.

"Kill me if you want to, to save yourself, but turn me." I wanted so much to hate him right then.

His eyes were bloody with tears and his pain was almost unbearable.

"I have never forced you, and I will not force you now," he said. "Even if it means the end for me. If that doesn't prove that I love you, then nothing else will."

We stood there with his living room between us for what must have been twenty minutes. I couldn't detangle my emotions from his, or maybe they were all mine. Eventually I slumped against the wall and slid to the floor. Eric stayed where he was.

Then his head jerked to the side, and he moved to a defensive position between me and the kitchen door. A minute later I heard the door open. Pam was back, and Amelia was with her.

"I have a solution," Pam said walking into the room. Amelia came in behind her with a metal thermos in her hands and a wide smile on her face.

"I can break the bond," Amelia said to me. Her brain was buzzing with pride. She and Octavia had been working on this for weeks, and then finally Amelia had been the one to figure it out.

"How?" I asked, shocked that I could speak at all.

Amelia launched into a narrative that I honestly couldn't follow. I was numb from the past hour. Eventually it sounded like she was getting to the point, so I tried to focus.

"The key was to be able to draw the bond out of the blood, right? So we tried to figure out what could possibly do that, and we must have tried every herb Octavia had ever heard of that we could get our hands on, hoping we'd find the missing ingredient to make it all work. But that stuff's all alive because witches have to be all organic." There was condescension in her tone. "But vampires aren't alive, so I thought about what else we could try. Then it hit me . . . silver!"

Amelia was bursting with pride. Pam was bursting with impatience. Eric was bursting with pain. I was numb.

"She made a potion. You drink it, exchange blood, and the bond is broken," Pam summarized before Amelia could get going again.

She looked sulky but nodded. Amelia was thinking Then you'll be rid of him, and we can get the hell out of here. She knew I was reading her thoughts, but she didn't tone them down one bit. She was my friend, and, to her way of thinking, Eric was the abusive boyfriend I couldn't quit.

"There is silver in it." Eric said, looking directly at Amelia for the first time since she walked in.

Amelia responded, "Not enough to do any real damage. We had to find something that could draw out the blood bond. Silver was all we could come up with." She really couldn't have cared less if it hurt Eric, but she was telling the truth. "You'll be fine in a day. Sooner if you have Pam's blood."

Eric looked back at me. "Then it is settled," he said. His voice was completely impassive, but I knew it was for show. I could feel what he was feeling. But for how long?

Amelia came over to help me to the couch. Eric stood a few feet in front of us while Pam went into the kitchen. Amelia poured the slushy liquid into the two glasses Pam brought back, handing one to me and the other to Eric.

It was happening so fast that I couldn't process any of it. One minute, I thought Eric was going to turn me into a vampire, then I thought he might just kill me, then I thought we were both going to stare at each other until I died of old age. Now there was a steaming glass of witchy brew in my hands that could solve everything. Was it really this easy?

I looked at Eric. Nothing about this was easy for him. Then it hit me what this would mean. Our blood bond would be broken. He would still be King, and I would still be human. But we wouldn't be together, not in any sense. This would be the end for us. Eric's eyes had dried when Pam came in, but now mine were watering.

Eric had his gaze fixed on me. "Drink," he said.

It tasted like grimy salt water, but it was easy enough to hold my breath and swallow. Eric wasn't so lucky. I saw the smoke rising from his mouth as he drank. The silver in the tonic burned, but he didn't complain or even react. He just drank it and exhaled a puff of smoke that smelled like burning flesh.

Amelia checked her watch and said, "You have to give it a couple of minutes to work it's way through your systems."

I looked at Eric. I'd fought this bond from the beginning, but now that it was being taken away I felt like fighting even harder to keep it. I knew we had to do this, but it felt like I was going to lose part of myself with it. I was losing our bond. I was losing Eric. I thought about all the horrible things I'd just said to him, and what he'd said back was the he loved me enough to die for my stubbornness.

Amelia checked her watch again. "Now swap, and it's done."

"Leave," Eric said to Amelia and Pam. Amelia hesitated, but Pam took her out of the room.

Then Eric and I were alone in his living room. He went into his office and came back a moment later holding a knife. It was the ceremonial knife that he'd used to seal our blood bond in Rhodes, the same knife I'd given him in his office in front of Victor that constituted our vampire marriage.

Eric walked up to me and pulled me to standing. Then put his arms around my waist and stepped closer. He leaned in to me, and I tried to steady myself through my sobs. I felt his bloody tears fall onto my shoulder as he kissed the base of my neck. Then he bit into me. His arms pulled me closer. I could feel the pain of my blood burning down his throat, but he kept drinking.

When he did stop, he licked the wound though I knew it burned his tongue to do it. He stood up straight and took a step back from me. His face was streaked with red tears and his mouth was blistered from the silver now in my blood.

He took off his shirt and gave me the knife, closing my hand around it. He pulled my wrist forward so that the knife pierced his chest. With his other hand behind my head, he guided me forward to drink.

When it was finished I dropped the knife. It hit the floor and the sound echoed through the room.

Eric pressed his hands against my face and kissed me for everything he was worth.

I felt his pain and his love through the bond stronger than ever. Slowly, his emotions faded away along with the echo of the knife. When the bond was completely gone he pulled away from me, breaking the kiss.

We didn't say anything.

Amelia came back in and put her arm around me, leading me out of the house. Pam was standing beside Eric as we left, her white face streaked with red, but I hardly noticed her. I kept my eyes locked with Eric's until we were outside. Then I couldn't see or feel him anymore.

There was no question that I wasn't capable of driving myself home, but I couldn't handle being in Amelia's head right then either. The drive back to Bon Temps took all night.

I felt a loneliness I hadn't felt at night since Eric and I were bonded. During the day, I was aware of Eric the way you're aware you have clothes on. You don't really think about them, but you know they're there and would notice if they weren't. At night, I felt him so much stronger. Like he was my arm or maybe my whole torso. Now I'd lost that, and I noticed the loss as if my arm were gone. There wasn't a pain like it had been cut off, but it hurt having it gone.

Eventually the car stopped and Amelia was walking me into my own house. Claude came downstairs, looking curious. When he saw me his expression became mortified. He ran over to us, knocking Amelia back and grabbing me by the arms. Huh, I still had arms. I really thought I'd lost one. Maybe both.

"She's broken!" Claude exclaimed, shocked. "What did you do?"

"I took away her blood bond with Eric," Amelia said tartly to Claude, as if expecting him to apologize. Her brain started buzzing with thoughts again and I couldn't take it. As if she heard me, Amelia backed out of the house and left me alone with Claude.

Claude kissed my cheeks and my forehead over and over. Each kiss relaxed the aching that I felt, but only a little. It didn't take as long as I thought it would for me to pass out in his arms on the kitchen floor.

When I woke up I was lying on the grass with Claude. This was familiar. Except now it was daytime and sunny, and Claude was holding my hand, our fingers intertwined.

"Claude, why are we lying on my lawn?" I asked, my sense of deja-vu now complete.

"I'm trying to fix you." He wasn't as apathetic or annoyed as he normally was. There was definitely irritation in his voice, but also concern.

"Did Amelia tell you what happened?" I hoped so. I wasn't sure I'd be able to do it.

"Yes. She cut your bond. She shouldn't have, and now you're broken."

"We had to. There were . . . factors. Either I had to die or become a vampire or this." That realization wasn't making me feel better, but I hoped it would some day.

"You cannot be turned." Claude said.

"That's not on the table any more."

"No. You have too much fae in you. You cannot be turned. It would kill you." Claude had the air of one explaining to a five year old that you can't breathe under water and if you try for too long then you'll drown.

"What? That doesn't make any sense. What about Hadley?" My cousin Hadley was also a descendant of Naill, and she'd been made a vampire just fine.

"The streak is stronger in you. That's why grandfather favored you over your brother."

"Don't you think you should have told me that before now!" I couldn't believe him. I pulled my hand away from his and sat up. Claude sat up as well.

"I did."

"You did not!"

I thought about when I told him I was going to stay with Eric for a few days, and how he'd reacted.

"It sure would have been nice if you'd spelled that out a bit more for me," I snapped at him.

"Cousin, it's hardly my fault if you choose not to listen." He watched me motion like I was going to get up and added, "Don't go inside yet."

"Why not?"

"The sun is out here."

More cryptic fairy speak, but I stayed. We laid back down.

Now that my irritation with Claude was settling down, everything that happened last night came rushing back. I felt the emptiness, though less than I had last night. Maybe that was because it was daytime and I never felt Eric much during the day. Or maybe it was the sun. Or maybe Claude.

"He wasn't going to change me." I needed to say it out loud, even if it was to Claude.

"He couldn't have."

"I know that now. But I didn't last night."

"You're trying to tell me that he loves you." Claude could be astute if he wanted to be. He took my hand again and it made me feel another little bit better.

"Yes, I am." I said.

"You wouldn't have broken with the bond if there wasn't love." There was compassion in his voice. I squeezed his hand a little and we fell silent.

I didn't know what time I'd woken up, but we stayed out on the lawn until the sun started to sink. I felt like I was sinking with it. Eric would be waking up soon, but I wouldn't feel him. Claude had done a good job healing the wound from the bond, but missing Eric was beyond his magic to fix.

Amelia came back some time in the late afternoon, but she didn't disturb us. When I rose to go back in the house, Claude kissed my cheek and told me he was going to his club. I gave him a weak smile, though I knew I owed him a lot more than that.

Amelia had fixed dinner. She asked if I wanted her to go, but I told her I didn't want to be alone, so she stayed.

"How long are you in town for?" I asked her when I was clearing the table.

"Just a day or two. I came right away when Pam told me . . . when she asked if I could help. But I need to get back soon." Amelia had figured out the potion two days before we last spoke on the phone. She hadn't told me about it because she thought I wouldn't want it, and she was right. I picked all this up from her thoughts, of course.

"Maybe it's better this way. You can make a clean break without it being anyone's fault." She was trying to cheer me up, but it wasn't working.

"Sure."

"You said yourself you were having some doubts. You know, with the vamp code of conduct. There must have been a reason you didn't move in with him. Deep down, you knew it wasn't right."

"Amelia," I said, "I can't. Please, I can't talk about this. Not now." I went off to my room for another sob session.

Bill and Judith came over that night. Even though it was early I was already in a t-shirt and draw string pajama pants.

"We'll be out here all night," Bill told me.

"Thanks, Bill, Judith. But y'all don't need to do this. It's probably not necessary any more, anyway." I tried to smile, but I couldn't manage it.

I woke up in the middle of the night, panting and crying. It's true that I hadn't had many relationships, so that meant I hadn't dealt with many break-ups, but even if I'd gone through millions of them, I thought nothing could have really prepared me for this one. Every part of me missed him, not the bond, but him.

Not wanting to go back to sleep right then, I went downstairs for some juice. I saw Bill sitting on the porch alone, so I went outside.

"Judith went to get True Blood for us." Bill answered my unasked question.

"Oh." I said. Then my manners kicked in and my memory of Gran kicked me in the butt. "There's True Blood in the refrigerator that I keep handy for . . . that I have left. Y'all are welcome to it."

He nodded in acknowledgment. "I'm glad you're still you," he told me. Bill was clearly angry, but not at me.

"Me, too."

Judith came back then with two bottles in her hands. She smiled at me, but I couldn't smile back.

"Night," I said turning to go back inside, "And help yourself if you want more."

Amelia was packed and ready to leave the next day.

"I'm sorry," she finally said it to me on her way out of the house. She'd been wanting to say it for a while, but hadn't puckered up the courage.

"I know," I told her. She didn't get my relationship with Eric, but she did understand that I was in pain, and she was sorry for her part in causing it. But it wasn't her fault, and I told her so.

"You really loved him?" she asked.

"I really do." Even without the bond, I thought.

Amelia drove off in the early afternoon, and I took Claude's advice and stayed outside with the sun.

Jason and Michele came over that evening and brought dinner with them. I was pretty lousy company so I didn't let them stick around for too long. Bill and Judith were back on guard duty. Everyone was coupled off. Even Claude had called to say he wouldn't be home tonight.

The next day I decided to stop acting like somebody had died. I dragged myself in to work the lunch shift. In hindsight, I shouldn't have done it. My gloomy mood sank into the food and tips were worse than lousy. Holly told me to take off early and she'd cover my tables and side work.

"Thanks, Holly, but I'll be okay. I can finish my shift."

"Sookie, you're driving all our tips down. I think it's better for everyone if you just go home and cry it out."

It was a slap in the face, but probably one I needed.

It was too late to enjoy the sun much, but I figured a bath might be just as good. I soaked in the tub until fingertips looked like prunes. I looked at my wrinkled skin and thought about what would have happened if I tried to stay with Eric forever. I'd get old and saggy, while he'd stay magnificent. I'd have to get dentures and wear depends, and he would be gorgeous and healthy. He wouldn't have stayed with me, not through all that, even if he loved me now.

Then I wondered about that. Did he love me now? I'd always been worried that my love for him was really just the bond. Now I found myself wondering if his love for me was the bond. Maybe he was happier now that he was free. He had been so happy to be free of his maker, and then when Victor was dead and he became King. Now he was free of me as well, and I didn't have our bond to let me know how he felt about that.

By the time I worked myself into a deeper funk than I'd ever thought possible, I knew it was time to get out of the tub. I dried off and overdid the lotion.

Even though it was summer I made some hot cocoa. I took a pad and pencil outside onto the porch to make my invite list. I wanted to be systematic, so I started from the beginning. Bill Compton I wrote at the top. Then, with a few heaving sobs, I wrote Eric Northman. Moving on. I added Pamela Ravenscroft next and was surprised how much that hurt. Shaking it off, I added Chow (funny, I never knew his last name, or maybe that was it) and then crossed him off. Same with Charles Twining. I added in Bubba, though I knew that was a little silly since he didn't actually need an invitation. I tried to think of who all had been sent over to my place who wasn't already dead dead. The next person I could remember was Heidi. I was pretty sure I'd invited her in when Hunter was here.

And there was my silver lining – Hunter. If I really was done with vampires, then maybe I could be there for Hunter after all. That thought brought a real smile to my face for the first time in days.

I had just finished the cocoa and was heading back inside when Judith came walking up for guard duty.

"Hi, Judith," I greeted her with more cheer than I'd shown lately. "You know, it's really not necessary–"

Before I could finish telling her how not necessary her protection was, she was dragging me backwards into my house, her hand covering my mouth.

If I live through this, I thought to myself, I'd better remember to add her name to the list.