Bioware's world, I'm just visiting it.

Captain's Personal Log: Omega Nebula, Amada System, Alchera

I stood on the frozen planet that had become the Normandy's grave. My grave. If Cerberus hadn't spent four billion credits to piece me back together and blackmail me into working with them, my corpse would still be here and I wouldn't be caring about the men and women I'd once served with. I stood looking out over the wreckage, feeling a chill steal over my spine, and goosebumps pebble my flesh and not from the cold. I guess in this case, the old adage was correct. Except I was the one walking over my own grave. Tali and Garrus climbed out of the shuttle behind me, Joker and Dr. Chakwas behind them. The five of us stood there, the humans on my left, the aliens on my right, just silently staring at the frozen graveyard of our former home.

Corporal Richard L. Jenkins

The planet was nothing more than a random ball of ice in some backwater system on the Rim. We'd been flying through the system on a routine sweep, hunting for geth patrols and outposts. The unmapped ice planet spun lazily beneath the Normandy's hull as we rounded its orbit, using its gravity well to boost us further in-system. Joker had piloted that ship with a maestro's touch. Williams had once teased him that the only action he got was at the helm of that machine. His retort had been that the ship was a better lover than the sniper rifle Williams was married to. God, I missed Ashley.

Rosamund Draven.

The silence of the frozen grave was thick, impenetrable. My breath hissed in my ears as I stood there. Usually you could hear something if the planet had even a residual atmosphere: wind, rocks falling, something. But this place was silent. Completely and totally, profoundly silent. We soon separated to go to the parts of the ship we wanted to mourn for ourselves. I asked one thing of them before they left, "Think of where you want to put the memorial, please." Silently, we all drifted apart.

Talitha Draven

Hackett had asked me to find the remains or signs of the missing crewmembers, the few who hadn't made it to the escape pods.

Silas Crosby

I followed Joker in his armored suit. He walked even more uncomfortably than usual. But how much of that was the suit and how much his grief, I didn't know. He stood, head bowed, in front of the remains of the cockpit. I didn't even know he'd heard me come up until he spoke. He hung his head, looking at his boots, "I'm sorry I killed you, Shepard. The geth couldn't do it. Saren couldn't do it. Hell, a Reaper couldn't do it. But I did it." I wondered if I should acknowledge the tears I heard in his voice or ignore them.

Harvey J. Gladstone

"I was only mostly dead, Jeff," I told him, going for humor.

He twisted around to glare at me, "Don't. Don't joke about that, ever, Shepard! You should have left me!"

Addison Chase

I glared at him; this wallowing was going to do more harm than good. Going through hell as we were planning to do would require him to be sharp. And I just couldn't handle my friend feeling this terrible. "And would Cerberus spend 4 billion credits putting YOUR sorry ass back together, Jeff?"

He paused a moment and then choked back a laugh, "No, I guess not."

Jamin Bakari

I put my hands on my armored hips, "Well, then, since I am the indispensible and indomitable Commander Fucking Shepard, I order you to stop feeling guilty." I softened my voice, "It was my choice, Jeff. A choice I'd make again." I don't leave my people, my friends, behind. Never again, not after Virmire, not after Akuze. Ashley, forgive me.

Germeen Barrett

He nodded and I patted him on the back. I left him to stare at the cockpit where he'd essentially lived for a year. Chakwas was standing by what used to be the sleeping pods, near the med bay. Her aristocratic voice was broken as she told me, "I could really use a shot right about now. Too bad my only bottle of brandy went down with this Normandy." She hugged her arms to her chest. I walked over and put my arm around her shoulder.

Hector Emerson

"I know, Doc, I know. I'm just glad you were able to get off in time," I told her.

She turned her helmeted head to look at me, "You know, the captain is only supposed to go down with the ship in old vids, Commander. I'm glad you saved Jeff, but I never want to go through that again."

Monica Negulesco

"Agreed," I told her and gave her one final squeeze of a one armed hug. I walked away and paused as I realized where I was. Ashley's station. I crawled through the wreckage to touch my hand to her work bench. My friend. Our ranks had never mattered except when they mattered. But, in the end, I'd chosen the mission over her. That bomb had to go off and with an ancient machine with unknown capabilities heading straight for Ground Zero, it also meant I saved the man I loved, too.

Carlton Tucks

I still owed her parents, no, her mother and sisters, a visit. Maybe if I made it through the Omega 4 Relay. If I didn't, it wouldn't matter. Maybe I'd hang with her in Heaven again. I tried not to think about the absolute oblivion that had engulfed me when I'd died. Matriarch Benezia had, with her dying breath, complained about no white light. I knew what she meant now. But further existential crises would have to wait. I didn't have time to examine my faith, or lack thereof, right now. I didn't have the luxury to worry any more about the seduction of the oblivion I remembered. I wondered what Ashley would have said about my resurrection and what I didn't remember.

Oh, god, Ashley, forgive me.

Virmire had been the worst test of my command abilities. I'd had to make a choice between finishing the mission and defending my ship; between saving the salarians and slaughtering krogan; between a non-commissioned soldier and a biotic officer; between my friend and my would-be lover. Before the shit hit the fan on Virmire, Ashley and I stood on the beach, laughing at some ridiculous joke she'd related from one of her sisters. I'd given up on trying to keep my hair in its bun and let the wind have its way with it, but Ashley's wouldn't dare disobey her. She gave me a cheeky grin and slapped Vakarian and Alenko on the shoulders and said, "Keep the Commander out of trouble, boys," she'd said in the time-honored tradition of senior NCO's everywhere who felt it was their duty to see that the officers made it home in one piece, "You know damned well she'll do something crazy."

Kaidan grinned, "You just watch your six, Chief."

Garrus' mandibles flared in the equivalent turian expression, "Don't let them outshoot you, Chief. Can't let a salarian beat our headcount."

Williams laughed, "You bet." She turned to me and smiled, "For yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I fear no Evil…"

"For you are the baddest mother fucker in the valley, Williams. Give 'em Hell, Chief," I told her.

"Consider Hell given, Commander. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition," She responded.

"Amen, Chief," I told her and I sent her off with Captain Kirrahe and his salarian team. I'm sure Alenko had heard our particular catechism before she and I had turned it into our own personal pre-battle prayer, but Garrus and the other aliens had just looked confused each time we'd said it within their hearing. I'd never bothered to explain it, if they wanted to know, they could ask.

When we'd set the nuke and the choice was in front of me of Alenko or Williams, I'd frozen in indecision for far longer than I should have. Garrus told me later I hadn't been immobile more than a few seconds, but it had seemed like an eternity. Time had slowed down and I felt tied in one spot, unable to move. My fingers in their armored gloves flexed uselessly as I hesitated, grasping at the air, grasping at my choices. In the end, I chose the mission, the senior officer and biotic, and the man I was falling in love with over my best friend.

Over a private channel, I'd said good bye to her, Garrus and Wrex my only witnesses. She told me, "Tell my sisters and my mother I love them, Commander."

I nodded, forgetting she couldn't see me, but unable to voice my reply. Instead I said, "For yea though I walk through the Valley of The Shadow of Death, I fear no Evil . . ."

"For you are the baddest mother fucker in the Valley, Shepard. Give 'em Hell," her voice broke.

"Consider Hell given, Chief. Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition." Tears fell down my cheeks and my voice was hoarse.

"Amen, Commander. It's been an honor to serve with you, ma'am, Meghan. Squeeze that ass for me," she responded. It had been one of our jokes about Kaidan. That if he hadn't already been "sweet on me," as she called it, she'd have had a chance.

I choked on a panicked laugh, "Consider it squeezed, Chief. The honor's been mine, Chief . . . Ashley. Shepard out," I dried my tears and ran like hell to save Kaidan.

Saren had cost me Ashley. Cerberus cost me Kaidan.

I hadn't saved him because of my feelings for him. I saved him because we needed that nuke to go off. And then, when I saved him again, his voice, twisted with anger, hatred on Horizon, "I loved you." I needed to forgive him and move on. Alenko did what he needed to do and I had no choice to but to accept it. I had a dangerous mission to prepare for; I couldn't afford to let myself get buried in a broken heart. My crew didn't deserve that. I never before blamed him for Ashley's death on Virmire and I wasn't about to start now. That was Saren's fault for forcing our hands and it was the Collectors' fault for killing me.

Helen M. Lowe

I walked away from Ashley's station and wandered over to the ramp that had once led to the galaxy map. I rounded a corner of the debris and found a datapad peeking out from under the wreckage. Astonished that it was whole, I picked it up. It wasn't until I'd read a few lines of the log that I had to sit down, my head swimming. "Pressley, you old fool," I muttered to myself. I could feel tears leaking down my cheeks. I wasn't the only one to go down with my ship. She'd only outlived her XO by minutes. I hadn't liked the old stick-in-the-mud too much when I'd gotten on board, his attitude about aliens only made our relationship more strained, especially when we needed those aliens. Until we'd stolen the Normandy and he'd learned to rely on those I'd recruited. Wrex and Garrus, goodwill ambassadors for their species. Who would have thought?

Alexei Dubyanski

Aimlessly, I walked around the grave of my ship, staring at the warped girders and melted steel and shattered conduits futilely straining for one last trip through atmo to the void of space. Space, once my refuge, my goal, now terrified me beyond all thought. But as always, I swallowed that fear until it woke me screaming at night, that is.

I found Tali riffling through some debris. She must've heard me coming and straightened up, hunching her shoulders in guilt. "Shepard! I was just…" she hung her head slightly.

"I know," I said, walking over to her. "Keep looking for things we can use. The first Normandy took care of us. I'm sure she wouldn't mind her daughter using what she could to do the same," I hugged the younger woman. "I don't know why you feel bad, Tali. I'm practical, too."

Raymond Tanaka

Tali laughed, "I know, Shepard." She turned to survey the wreckage, "I loved this ship," she said quietly. "This – this would have been your grave, too, wouldn't it?" She must've read something in my posture, "I'm sorry, Shepard. I – none of us took your death well – Kaidan, Liara, Garrus, Joker. It's almost easier to believe you were just in a coma all that time, or undercover."

I looked away, a lump in my throat, "I'm sorry, Tali. I'm trying not to think about that." Good, my voice wasn't hoarse.

She hung her head again, "Keelah Se'lai, Shepard." I left Tali to her salvage. If anyone could find something to help us from this old girl's wreckage, Tali'Zorah vas Neemah could. Not because she was quarian, but because she was the best damned engineer I'd ever seen.

Abishek Patki

It was difficult to look at the wreckage of our home, the steel girders reaching longingly for space. Most of the tags I wrapped around my fist were blackened and twisted from atmospheric entry. I yanked my mind away from the thoughts of the crews' bodies hitting atmo, as I'd been told mine had. I tried not to look at their twisted, frozen remains, what little that was left. It brought up images of what I must have looked like when Cerberus salvaged me. Now, that was a painful thought. Thinking of myself as salvage.

Robert Felawa

My feet had taken me to an outcropping of rock. A section of the middeck was impaled upon the frozen spire. My desk leaned drunkenly against the rockface. I stared at it, trembling. I wrenched my mind back to the present. Remembering Ilos here, remembering Kaidan here, wouldn't help. My crew needed my full attention. Standing for my dead was a perk of command.

Orden LaFlamme

I tore myself away from the wreckage of my cabin and headed off to find Garrus. He was probably standing near the Mako. I was right. The big turian had his arms crossed, his visor un-opaqued staring at the vehicle he'd patched up after every mission. "Prefer calibrating the guns, Garrus?" I asked, coming to a stop next to him.

He looked down at me, his expression unreadable through the visor, but he let out a short laugh. "I'm just remembering the few times I let you drive. She looks like she's in better shape now than when you'd bring her home. I don't know who was tougher on her, you or Wrex."

Caroline Grenado

I laughed, to my ears it sounded brittle, but I don't think he could read me that well, "Us Vanguards are adrenaline junkies, Garrus, you know that."

He snorted, "Is that why you never wore your seat belt? Or did you just like ending up in my lap?" This time, my laugh was more genuine. He seemed to consider what he'd just said, "I uh, oh, hell."

Mandira Rahman

I looked at the Mako again, remembering the jostling and the firefights and the sheer euphoria of exploring a new planet. Some of them had never been set foot on by a human before, ever. Or a turian, for that matter. I also remembered falling into his or Kaidan's lap. I never wanted to be buckled in in the back, I couldn't see anything from back there. I hated being a passenger, but the two men were the technicians. They dealt with the machines. It still amused the hell out of me that I was there as the muscle, considering I was actually smaller than both. Occasionally, I'd fake losing my balance to land in Kaidan's lap, just so I could feel him hold me for a moment. He'd grin slightly, his hands lingering as he'd help right me.

Amina Waaberi

"Where have you thought about putting that monument they want us to erect," he asked, changing the subject.

I crossed my arms, hugging myself, "Ashley's station."

He looked away from me and nodded, "I can see that. I'll let the others know."

"What about you? Where would you put it?"

His eyes seemed to focus on the horizon and he didn't answer right away, "That sounds like a good place. I don't have any better suggestions."

I rolled my eyes, but the effect was lost on him since he wasn't looking at me, "Bullshit. Where would you put it?"

He ignored my question and asked his own, "So I assume you told Joker to stop feeling guilty?" The rumbling voice brought me back to the present.

I nodded, "Yeah, doubt he'll listen, though. He's been blaming himself for two years, Garrus."

The turian looked away, "I know how he feels, Shepard. I blamed myself for not even being on the ship at the time. I regretted going back to C-Sec because I wasn't there."

Marcus Greico

I turned to him, my heart pounding in rage, my chest heaving with the need to release my anger, "Don't you fucking start that, Vakarian!" I allowed my anger to fully infuse my voice. "I have had about enough of that from all of you! It was my choice! Mine! I do not leave people behind!" The anger was fading from my voice, my body, sorrow replaced it. "Not after Akuze, and especially not after Virmire!" I finished quietly.

I made sure he was looking at me, "Have any of you fucking noticed I've never called this a suicide mission?" I demanded. And I hadn't, at least not after recruiting him, not after he came out of surgery. He stood there, silent, his arms still crossed, looking at me. I waved my hand at him and stormed off, back to the shuttle. Tonguing the communicator to all bands, I ordered, "Wrap it up, people, let's get the hell off this rock."

Navigator Pressley

They didn't all come right away. I stood waiting for quite some time before the four of them got to the shuttle. The way back up to the Normandy SR-2 was silent. Tali carried the three containers of element zero she'd managed to salvage, Chakwas had somehow found one of her old stethoscopes, blackened and twisted, but still recognizable. Joker carried what looked like part of a bent and twisted crutch. I couldn't tell what Garrus had in his hands, it just looked round. I didn't actually care. I leaned my head back, grief sweeping over me. For my crew, for my ship. For myself. For the life I thought I'd have with Kaidan.

Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams