Alright, I admit I've kinda thrown my original chapter plans in the bin and resurrected a new, edited version. I've decided against writing 'A Link to the Ass', originally planned to be Chapter 14, mainly because The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past was one of my least favorites in the franchise, and I haven't played much of it. To be honest, I found it to be a rather boring game.

Ocarina of Time, Majora's Mask, Phantom Hourglass, The Minish Cap, Twilight Princess and Spirit Tracks are all a completely different story, however.

Also, a could-be name for the upcoming Zelda game for Wii, the sequel to Twilight Princess, has been released. Yayz! The Legend of Zelda: Valley of the Flood. Hm.

And Ubisoft have given us exclusive gameplay footage of the upcoming Beyond Good and Evil 2 game! … which the bastards have only made available on Xbox 360 and PlayStation 3, both of which I don't have…

Spyromaster64

Chapter 11 - Horny Ezlo

"So…" Joe began. "We have to run around inside this 'temple'…" Joe pointed at a building the size of a CTR Monitor (those are the old fat ones), "And collect an element?"

"Yup," Spyromaster64 nodded.

They were stuck in the middle of the Minish Woods, by the entrance to a temple that was smaller than themselves.

"Maybe we can use that shrinky thing!" suggested Theo.

"It's called a Minish Portal," Adam sighed. The three of them hopped on the stump. "Aren't you coming, Glitchquil?"

"No," Glitchquil answered, getting ready to teleport away. "I'm the antagonist, and the only reason I went with you guys is because I needed you to help me get this bastard off the moon." He indicated to his bag, where the thing was located (see chapter 10).

"Right. See you," said Joe, before he, Adam and Theo were shrunk down to Minish size.

"Right, Adam, you've played this game before. What the hell do we do now?" asked Theo, staring at a giant barrel.

"Go inside and run around, I suppose," he sighed. Ezlo hopped up.

"Mm-hm!" he trilled. "Let me fuck you!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… HEY! LISTEN! HEY! WATCH OUT! BLUE!" He began to sing the Teletubbies theme tune dreadfully awful again. There was a flash of light as they were warped away to somewhere.

A few moments later, Adam, Joe and Theo found themselves tumbling head-over-heels through the air, before finally crashing painfully into a huge, warm, snug mountain of horse shit.

Joe immediately recognised the smell and quickly stumbled out, Theo got a jetpack from out of nowhere (which somehow didn't explode from all of the methane) and flew out, while Adam just sank.

"Where am I?" Adam was now in a huge, high-temperature realm of brown stuff. Phantom Hourglass Link was a couple of feet away from him, seemingly either on few hearts or with serious brain damage.

"You're in Horse Shit Land!" he warbled. "This is the Southern Crap Temple!"

"… what?"

"The Southern Crap Temple!" the brain-dead boy laughed disturbingly. "Ooh, look, Eurgh, the Spirit of Diarrhoea!" A brown fairy floated along, minding it's own business, before it found itself being grabbed by Link.

Suddenly, everything was transformed into a cutscene from The Legend of Zelda: Phantom Hourglass. While, truthfully, the fairy was trying desperately to escape and get away in a flurry of total confusion, it looked like it was flying around Link. The midget boy grabbed the fairy and laughed in joy, before viciously rubbing the poor ball of light into his private area. He didn't stop for about five minutes. To be honest, he didn't actually stop; Adam had just run away by then, so the knowledge of how long he did this for was beyond everyone, even the author. … well, except for one person who was eyeing the scene intently. She had green lips and black hair, but the rest of her was concealed in the shadows of the shit that made up the landscape. She took a photo with her camera.

"Pey'j might be interested," she whispered to herself, looking at the picture of the kid. She looked back up only the see the boy now on his knees, violently raping the almost-dead fairy, his mouth wide open in a huge grin.

Jade grimaced and turned away to go and take pictures of retarded aliens without their helmets on, which was supposed to be her current objective, anyway.

Adam sank back up (exactly the same as sinking, but when someone's pressed the rewind button) and hopped out of the crap, now smelling, rather ridiculously, like lemons and lime.

"I'm back," he said cheerfully. "I just had to watch a boy using a fairy to masturbate…" He shuddered slightly. "Any sign of Ezlo? He's not on my head." Joe pointed into the brown substance, where a mental health hazard hat was stuck, drowning fast.

"Hi han who hey who!" came the gurgling voice. Theo whipped out his translator-thingy.

"Disturbing Green Hat says - 'I want to rape you!'" reported the translator-thingy. Adam swallowed hard.

"Maybe we should just leave him here," he suggested. Joe and Theo stared at his head. Adam whimpered slightly as his eyes slowly turned upwards. There, to his horror, was the randomly-appearing hat that had been the horse shit only a few seconds ago. It stank to the high heavens of oil for some strange reason.

"Why is it that whenever we try to do something, we're almost always interrupted by teleportation or midgets who travel with fat ghosts?" Theo yelled at no-one in particular.

"One question," Joe suddenly piped up, "What controls the camera other than the right analog stick?" The three of them turned to the camera.

"… why is there an albatross staring at us?" Adam murmured.

"It's a STALKER BIRD!" Theo screamed, flailing his arms about madly before launching himself back into the shit, only to bounce right back out again for some random reason. Joe got out a shotgun and blew up the bird.

The player's screen went blank, before spurring back into life again a couple of seconds later.

"It respawned!" Adam wailed. "WHY?" Joe kicked the bird. The screen flickered.

"This stalker bird IS the camera."

"What the hell?"

"No, it's not the camera," said Spyromaster64, randomly appearing. "I just thought it would be funny as hell."

"No-one's laughing," Theo pointed out.

"Yes, I realised," the Fanfiction god replied glumly. "Anyway, that's not the camera. It's just a stalker bird."

"So why is it here?" Adam shouted in despair.

"Because it's a stalker!" Spyromaster64 yelled back.

"But it's a bird!"

"And it also loves to rape people!"

"You have a sick mind," Theo commented, turning away.

"Thank you." Spyromaster64 smiled. "Anyway, Ezlo is, quite obviously, excessively horny."

"So what do we do?" Joe asked.

"Go on some randomly not-so-epic quest to the land of cheese, I suppose." Spyromaster64 shrugged and sighed. "But that would be way too strange."

"It wouldn't be any different," Joe muttered.

"Now, how about you take Ezlo, and we-" Adam was cut short as Spyromaster64 raised a hand, seemingly holding an invisible sphere. Adam began to choke.

"Your lack of faith. It is disturbing." Spyromaster64 held the non-existent sphere tighter, and Adam lost more of his breath. Eventually, the Fanfiction God released his hold, and Adam fell to his knees, coughing and spluttering. "So, I'm off," he added cheerfully as if nothing had just happened. There was a dramatic supernova, and then he was gone.

Adam, Joe and Theo just stared at the pieces of broken time and space floating in front of them. They then stared at the horny green hat/bird/thing. A few seconds later, King Ezlo Dick Shit I Like Cheese Loads Termina was drowning in shit.

"Horse Crap-aya, the answer to all of our problemas!" Theo trilled, randomly in a Mexican costume. He held two maracas in his hand, which were, strangely, bearing large spikes that stuck out of the spheres on top.

"Where now?" asked Joe. Adam shrugged, whipping out a Hollow Pen (from Time Hollow).

"Hmm, maybe we should go back to the game engine." The pen suddenly just disappeared.

"Simples!" came Spyromaster64's voice from the skies.

… hmm.

Well, I apologise for that… very short chapter, but I'm planning a big role for Glitchquil in the next one to make up for this.

Anyway, I must correct myself for the new Zelda video game's name from earlier. It's actually The Legend of Zelda: The Skyward Sword. Strange name, and the new graphics look considerably like some kind of a cartoon, but it's unique for a Wii Zelda, I suppose.

Also, a remake of Ocarina of Time will soon be released for the 3DS, along with remakes of Star Fox 64 and Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater.

So, uh, yeah. Look out for the next chapter and all.

Spyromaster64