Emily and I have been sleeping together when we can. It isn't too hard since the Dads have their jobs and Rachel is always traipsing off to meet Barbie. I try not to think about what it is they do together. I don't pay attention to Rachel, I mostly just listen to her and Emily talk. Emily and I don't fuck anymore, but it isn't making love either. We're in limbo. That doesn't mean we don't enjoy ourselves. I definitely needed what Emily gives me. The heavy breathing in my ear, the scratches on my back, the nibbles on my neck, the pulsing throb in my stomach- all of it.
She's changed though. She no longer waits for my cues to do things and she's definitely proved that of the two of us she is the more experienced lesbian. It's nice being under her control sometimes. I would never admit that, but I don't think Emily needs me to. It's like we are both on vacation, but now that she's leaving soon, we have nothing left to lose.
We're lying in my bed after one of our carnal dances. I would smoke, but Rachel wouldn't like that. Her head rests on my shoulder and I play with Emily's hair.
"What time is your flight tomorrow?"
"Three." We're silent for a moment. I kiss her cheek.
"When you go back, I don't want you to wait for me." I feel her sigh.
"Okay. But I don't regret coming here," she says.
"I don't either. It was really good to see you. To feel you, all of it." She nods and pulls the blanket up to her a little more.
"It was more than just us… using each other. Wasn't it?" she asks meekly.
"I wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for you, Emily. I would have ended everything a very long time ago." I say matter of fact. She looks at me in concern. Without her I would have taken a lot of pills. I thought about it. When Emily would come to visit, I didn't think about it all the time. When we started sleeping together, I didn't think about it at all. She starts to cry a little.
"I wish you didn't say things like that. I worry about you,"
"I'm okay now. Well, not okay but I don't want to end myself now. You're the reason, Emily. You must know that." She smiles a little and it feels like when we first started sleeping together only so much better. We understand one another. I'm not this mysterious entity around her. She sees me in the same way…the same way Rachel does. A topic I am doing my best to forget about. I'm scared when Emily leaves I will be alone with Rachel. I can't avoid her forever.
"If it weren't for you I would have died in a way too," Emily confesses.
"She'll come back to you. She's be stupid not to."
"Does that make you an idiot?" she asks sadly. It isn't time for us yet. I look into her eyes to make myself very clear to her.
"Do you love me in the same way you do her?" I ask it knowing the answer. Both of us have known the answer even if we delude ourselves to answer something else.
"She just got there first, Effy."
"That's not what I asked." She bites her lip and shakes her head a little from side to side. "It's okay, Ems. It's okay." We hold on to each other when we hear a knock at the door.
"Girls? Are you decent?" Rachel asks on the other side of the door.
"What is it?" I ask, annoyed at her and the fact that I find her to now be this adorable, gorgeous force who is smitten with the All American girl. My life has become some odd sort of joke lately. I have this gorgeous creature in my arms who wants to love me, even if she knows it's a lie. I should be content, shouldn't I? Just let her lie to both of us and let that annoying jabber bird be on her way. I've always liked things complicated.
"Tonight's the party at Puck's. Quinn's meeting us there and I don't want to be late!" Rachel yells in exasperation.
"We're not going," I say and as soon as I do Rachel barges in. Emily covers herself with our blanket and I just roll my eyes. Rachel comes to my side of the bed and looks down at me.
"You're coming to this party. I need you to come and be my wing woman like always. What is with you lately?" Rachel asks, her arms folded across her chest and I do my best not to look at her in that beautiful navy blue dress, exposing her décolletage and ample cleavage. I can feel Emily's eyes on me too and I don't know how to get out of this.
"Fine. We'll go to your stupid party." I say through gritted teeth.
"Good. And I have cover-up makeup for that hickey if you need Emily." Rachel says sweetly but it just makes Emily uncomfortable.
"Get out, Rachel." I demand quietly. She looks down at me, her eyebrows furrowed.
"You haven't talked to me all week except to say thank you for the Christmas gift I got you. What is your problem? Are you still mad about me scheduling that therapy session because obviously it worked out," she says while pointing at Emily and I in bed.
"Nothing's wrong. Just get out." I say and she stomps her foot before exiting the room. Emily gets up from the bed and dresses in silence.
Emily stands with me at the party but we don't do much except drink. Rachel stand on my other side, her eyes searching everywhere for Barbie who has yet to show up. It's 11:30 and I can feel Rachel start to panic. Knowing Rachel the way I do she is very much about firsts. She goes on about her first dance recital as though it was yesterday. I know she wants her first New Year's kiss and I know she wants it from Quinn. I hope that blonde bitch doesn't let her down. Finn walks over to us and I roll my eyes.
"Hey Rachel," the dumb boy asks.
"Hello Finn. Happy New Year," Rachel says sadly, her eyes still scurrying around in her head looking for her dream girl.
"Yeah. You too. I was wondering if you- I mean I know how you are about traditions-"
"I'm not kissing you at midnight." I smirk to no one in particular.
"Oh. Okay, I just thought I'd ask. If you change your mind or anything,"
"Thank you, Finn." Rachel says. It's just then that Barbie walks into the room, her eyes shifting from side-to-side. "I don't think that will be necessary," Rachel says with a goofy smile that I want to rip off of her face. Finn retreats and Rachel turns to Emily and I. "How do I look? I don't have any carrot bits in my teeth or anything, do I? I know I shouldn't have had any appetizers, but I was nervous and it was right there so,"
"Rachel, you look beautiful." I say with what I'm pretty sure is a hint of sadness in my voice. I feel Emily grab my hand and squeeze it. She knows.
"Well ladies I am off to secretly rendezvous with a pretty lady. It's all so exciting! Wish me luck!" Rachel walks toward Quinn and I need to shut off this ridiculous crush.
"You fancy her." Emily says.
"Fuck."
"It's hilarious, for someone who pretends not to care about anyone you always love too many people,"
"Stop it, Ems."
"Freds wasn't enough so you had to bring Cook into the mess. Why do you do that? I know it isn't difficult to worship you but can't you just pick one person? Does it always have to be so complicated?"
"Yes. It always does. Because I so enjoy the idea that for whatever reason I've suddenly become attracted to that yapping, incessantly irritating girl when you're the one that I should be with." I say with sarcasm.
"Then why aren't we?"
"I'm scared, Ems."
"I'm not going to die. I'm not going to leave you. You're just afraid of being with one person. You'll be settling. Well Eff, what happens when you're alone? Who is going to take care of you?" I want it to be her, even if it isn't fair to either of us. Emily looks behind me and I turn to see who she is looking at.
"Hi. Do you mind if I join you?" Santana asks and I don't bat an eye. She's different and it's no wonder because she's been drinking, crying and had to stare at Brittany fondle Artie all evening.
"Of course," Emily says kindly. We all stand in silence for a while.
"Great party." I say and it's then that Santana starts crying like a blathering drunk going on and on about how she's confused and has all these feelings. Emily is kind enough to talk to her in another room while I stand by the punch bowl. I look around at all the happy couples and happy singles. Happy people. I need to get happy. Why can't I ever get happy? I have moments, stretches of time where I'm content, but I'm never happy for long. I watch Rachel and Barbie stand close to each other, side by side watching people dance. Rachel's finger graze Quinn's hand and you'd never see it unless you were really noticing. No one else notices the way Quinn's eyes flutter and that Rachel worries her bottom lip between her perfect teeth.
Rachel can feel my eyes on her and looks directly at me. I don't look away. She looks at me in confusion and it must make her uncomfortable because she walks away to the bathroom with Barbie following her a few moments later. I go into the other room where Emily and Santana are having a power chat.
"Don't tell anyone. Please don't tell anyone," I hear Santana plead to Emily and the two of them haven't noticed me yet.
"Shh. Of course not-you will come out when you're ready. It's a process." Emily coos and she may be the kindest person on earth. How did I manage to fuck it up? Santana continues to cry and Emily pats her shoulder. It's then that Emily notices me and gives me a small smile. I smile back and approach the two, sitting on the edge of a bed. I wrap an arm around Santana and she stiffens.
"What the hell? English?" Santana says.
"I won't say anything." I assure her and then lunge for her lips. Santana does not reciprocate at first, but her lips don't move away from mine either. I back away, looking at Emily and she is aroused, shocked and annoyed.
"That's how Effy fixes things. Fuck a duck and that makes it all better?" Emily balks at me and I hang my head. I don't know how else to make people feel better sometimes.
"It's okay. I get it," Santana says wiping her eyes with her hands. Santana's known to get around herself and maybe we are more similar than we both initially realized. Emily pats Santana's shoulder again and gives me an incredulous look.
"I'm leaving tomorrow, but I want to make sure you're okay. You and Eff can talk if you need to. No sex, just talking," Emily warns and I nod. I have no interest in sex with Santana or anyone else but Emily. Well, almost anyone else. The three of us hear the countdown outside and none of us countdown. Emily holds my gaze and when we hear 'Happy New Year' she kisses Santana full on the mouth. She then stands up, pulls me by my hands to stand and drags me back to the party. She positions us in the center of the room and finds Rachel and Quinn hugging in a very innocent way. When the two of them release Emily asks me to look at them. I do and Rachel and I see each other. She smiles and waves and my heart can't take it. I nod my head back. Emily has me face her.
"Let's have a happy memory. Just once," she says. Happy. She takes my face in her hands and kisses me in a way she never has before. Like she will never see me again. When we break away from each other there are some catcalls but I don't mind. Emily wipes away a tear from my cheek. She doesn't cry, just smiles sadly. "You'll figure it out Effy. I won't break and neither will you." We hug one another. I smell her shampoo and feel her warmth. When I look up I see Rachel, her eyes misty, looking at the two of us.