Disclaimer: I own nothing you recognise. (Check chapter 1, 2 or 3)
"Lily...I love you, always have, always will"
"I know," Lily nodded and caressed his cheek "I love you too, I am yours heart, body and soul"
"They're coming.."said Lily the sounds of steps were louder.
"We'll find each other, We always do." James whispered and James kissed her as if his life depended on it. Lily kissed him back with the same passion, she didn't hold back this time.
This was it.
It was goodbye...
The door opened.
Chapter 11- Our hopes & expectations...black holes and revelations
I love you, I have loved you all along
And I miss you, Been far away for far too long
I keep dreamin you'll be with me, and you'd never go
Stop breathing if , I don't see you anymore
(Far away-Nickelback)
"Lily" gasped Danielle as she saw her best friend covered in blood and looking very pale. Adam was next ho her, helping her stand and support herself.
"Where's James?" she demanded.
"He's in the next room, he is unconscious."Remus explained as he emerged from the door "He's in bad shape, but he'll make it"
"Why didn't they take him to St. Mungos?" Lily demanded.
"It's too risky Lily" said a soft voice and she turned to look at her old Professor."He'll be fine. Don't worry, but now I need to have a word with you after Remus takes care of those wounds" Lily nodded, and Dumbledore left the room.
"Lily are you going to be okay?"asked Adam softly.Lily nodded, and Adam got up gave her a small smille and apparated.
As Remus began healing her, she sat there idly thinking about James and praying he was alright. Then her thoughts drifted to her daughter she knew she was safe, and she wanted to ask but Danielle was here and she couldn't deal with that yet.
Remus finished and gave her a potion that was supposed to diminish the pain. "Is there anything I can do?" asked Danielle worriedly breaking the silence.Remus left the room and went into Dumbledore's office.
"No, you should go home. You're pregnant after all" said Lily smiling.
"I know, I am just waiting for Sirius he had to go back to the ministry with the rest" she explained "He told me to be here, he doesn't want be to home by myself lately" After all that's happened thought Lily it's only logical.As Remus emerged from Dumbledore's office he gestured her and Lily stood up.
"I'll see you in a sec" she said smiling at Nelle.
She went into the office and closed the door behind her. This office was so much smaller than the one at Hogwarts and less invting.
"Lily, please take a sit" said Dumbledore warmly.Lily sat across him and though she had a lot of questions she decided to wait for him to talk.
"Lily Christina is safe, she's here with Natasha" Lily looked surprised and excited, she knew she was safe, but she never imagined her to be here, but what about Elizabeth. Dumebledore seemed to be thinking along the same lines because he continued to explain "Mrs.Danes is at New York, she has been informed of the situation and is waiting. As to why I brought Natasha, I knew she was the only one who knew of Christina, I didn't think it would be appropiate to tell anyone else."
"Can I see her?"finally Lily asked.
"Of course. She's your daughter, but first I need to tell you something, and it won't be easy the reason you don't remember anything is because I erased your memory"Dumbledore waited a moment to see her former student reaction. She was shocked so he decided to conitue "I did it, because you asked me to. I spoke to Alex earlier, so as he explained I tracked you down. I knew you were alive, and which was your current situation. So I sent you a letter and your replied it."
"No I didn't.."said Lily confused
"Yes you did, you replied and accepted my help. You decided it was going to be easier to hide without Alex, so you moved. And to make the communication more safe, I kept sending letters to Alex, and I sent Adam, that way Voldemort wouldn't get suspicious I knew where you were"
"I don't understand if I was going into hiding, then why you erased my memory" asked Lily confused with a hint of anger.
"We thought you were safe at first, but it didn't last long. Two weeks after you left Adam you were attacked again in your workplace, so you moved again, next to Mrs.Danes. You were low profile, you thought it over and over again, but truth is you were never safe. From the first moment I contacted you, I tried to convince you to come back to England, but it was until this moment that you agreed.So we made a plan. But the day of our supposed metting I received this note" he said handing her a piece of parchment
Professor Dumbledore,
I am sorry, I know you were expecting us and instead you got this. You've been great to me and I'm grateful for that. But I can't go on with the plan we had agreed on. I know that even with my friends, James' dad, James himself; my daughter will never be completely safe, not really. Eventually Voldemort always finds out and everyone dies...
I already made a decision, I can't tell you but I need your help. Send a reply with a time and place
Lily
"So we met and you were by yourself" said Dumbledore sadly
"Professor" said Lily she looked very with bloodshot eyes. She had been crying.
"Lily, what did you do?"asked Dumbledore
"She's gone, she's with a family. A real one, one that she would never get even if I returned to England. James is married and has a family of his own, and back in England everything is just so wrong, so dark. I don't want that life for her. But that's my life and I can't keep running from it." Said Lily in a dark tone, one Dumbledore had never heard her use
"So I've got a plan. I did some advanced research on spells that erase long term memory and short term. I don't quite well how it works, but somehow I was hoping you would" explained Lily.
"Yes I do it's very ancient magic, I've studied them myself. There's only five known spells" said Dumbledore "But they haven't been performed in ages, they are very risky. You could even get kill if it doesn't work Lily. It takes very powerful magic..."
"I know from a very porweful wizard" said Lily knowingly to him. "I know the risks but I dont care. I want you to try to have my memories erased to keep Voldemort from ever coming close to Christina. I want to remove everything that's happened in the past two years, including the fact I was pregnant. Even if it kills me, better this way that at Voldemort's hand compromising my daughter's safety."
"Lily is there any way I can disuadate you?"asked Dumbledore as he saw the young woman speak with such determination and will.
"No, my decision is final. Will you help me Professor?"she asked hopefully.
"You leave no choice Lily" he said with a sad smile
"If it works, I mean if I come back and I don't remember, could you please do me a favor?"she said pacing.Dumbledore simply nodded.
"Don't ever tell me about what I've been through" she pleaded sobbing quietly.
"...and so I didn't even tried to discourage you anymore, part of me thought besides Christina safety you wanted to forget the pain."
"But I didn't..." said Lily more to herself.
"We discussed the specifics and went over it several times..."
"Lily have you thought about the rock where you will hold the memories." Asked Dumbledore
"Yes" she said standing up and going over her suitcase and taking out a velvet box, and her engamenent ring, she handed it to dumbledore." I think the diamond would do"
"Actually is a pretty good choice, do you want me to keep it, aftewards?"
"No, leave it on. I know I will probably get rid of it, when I come back. If I do..."
"Are you sure?"asked Dumbledore once again.
"Yes it will be a reminder of James"said Lily absentmindly as if that explained it all.
"The ring?" I had the answers with me all this time"said Lily still in shock."You saw me all those times and yet you didn't tell me anything. You knew the great deal of pain I was in, the spell went wrong, I knew I was pregnant, I..."said Lily starting to raise her voice
"Three months ago you asked me not to tell you any of this.."said Dumbledore calmly.
"That was then, this was now I ASKED YOU!!"said Lily losing her composure "I asked you!!!And you knew all along, why didn't you tell me, why wait until know??!!"
"Because I saw you Lily" said Lily calmly "As much as I did not like your decision, I understood,I opted to let if go, but here were are. And you went straight for your daughter,when you nearly killed yourself trying to protect her"
"Why are you doing this??!!"yelled Lily
"The reason I am telling you this, is because you've got a decision to make, but you shouldn't make it like this."
"What do you mean?"asked Lily still angry
"You need to know what you went through"he explained "You need to feel and see for yourself, you have to gain your memory back" And he told her that there was a spell to make her remember everything. Lily accepted trusting on Dumbledore's judgement. "There's no point now, since you found your daughter anyways"
"It will be awfully painful Lily, and as it normally happens you won't remember the two years day by day" he explained. "After I perform it, you'll have memories come flooding back.It won't be the most pleasant experience"
"I understand" said Lily.
"How is he?"asked Sirius sitting next to Danielle who was sleeping
"He's doing okay"said Remus tiredly.
"How many times we've been through this?" It was a rethorical question, Remus knew, how many times had one of them got injured and got them all waiting. They had all been trhough that, well except Peter, but nonetheless...
"Where is Lily?"Sirius asked as he stroked Nelle's silky hair.
"She is with Dumbledore"said Remus carefully, Sirius didn't know about the baby. Dumbledore had been very careful with that issue to make sure nobody found out. "Has she seen James yet?"he asked
"No, she hasn't although she was very worried. I think something happened when they were prisoners" said Remus "she seems changed"
"Really, moony sometimes you can't be thick. Of course something happened" said Sirius remembering the compromising position in which he had founf them. They were all over each other. "They kissed"
Remus didn't say nothing back, he understood. He knew what it was to lose the woman you loved. He couldn't even imagine if Jane came back...but no she wouldn't, she was dead. He had seen her body...
"We should see if he has woke up" said Remus standing up, and Sirius went after him into James' room.
"Hey" said James weakly.
"Prongs you scared us back there" said Sirius.
"I know, but I am okay. Where is Lily?"James asked, she wasn't as bad as him, but she was a little bit hurt too.
"She's fine, she with Dumbledore right now"said Remus "Alexis you should be here any minute now" Sirius turned to glare at Remus for bringing her up and James didn't look thrilled.
"I already made a decision" said James quietly, and both of his friends looked at him expectantly. "I am leaving Alexis"
Sirius smiled but Remus look at him sternly "Have you really though about it?"he asked. Lily as his friend too, but what he had just found might affect James' decision, especially if he wasn't totally convinced of it.
"Obviously he has" piped Sirius
"I...under the circumstances, I think is the best decision" said James.
"Under the circumstances?" asked Sirius confused "What do you mean, besides the fact you love each other"
"It's not just that.."James trailed off.
"Then you are doing it for the wrong reasons" said Remus "You're doing it because you feel you have to, but not because you really want to?"
"Are you implying I do not want Lily?"he asked starting to feel his temper raise.
"Look James I am not telling you to stay in a loveless marriage.."said Remus
"Because it's not" said James a little bit more loudly.
"James?"asked Sirius confused.
"I...it's not loveless, but.."said James starting to get confused again, he couldn't forget what had happened the past days, and how it all seemed so clear but right now...
"James there's something you should know" said Remus feeling awfully sorry but he didn't want James to hurt Lily again, to promise her something he couldn't give to her, not after he found out... " Just wait, before you make any decision, you have to talk to Alexis"
"What??!!Why?"asked Sirius outraged by his friend's behavior, how relentless he was to the prospect of James and Lily being together again.
"Shut up, Sirius. Just listen to her" Remus pleaded. Someone knocked the door " Come in" yelled James.
"Speaking of devil" said Sirius just above whisper, as Alexis made her way over to the bed.
"Sirius, Remus" she acknowledged. Sirius only nodded
"Alexis hello again" said Remus "We'll leave you now"
"Thank you"said James at last. Neither of them said a word, until they were gone and the door was closed.
"James" she said finally breaking into tears"I was so scared, I thought...I thought"she sobbed and James wrapped his around around her waist pulling her head against his chest "I thought about you and us without you..."
"Us?"asked James confused, and at this Alexis started sobbing harder, and couldn't say anything.
"James, sweetheart...I...I am pregnant" she stuttered, and drown herself into tears again. James felt a huge knot form inside his throath.
"Pregnant?"he asked
Alexis just nodded seeing the surprise in his eyes, she saw he believed it but didn't looke mad or upset, he was confused. She knew that he had been planning on leaving her and going back to the mudblood, since he had found he had a daughter. It was James' instinct of always doing the right thing. That's why he hadn't left her yet. She was the wife, and it was the right thing to do, stay. But now...
At first she thought she would feel more upset with the thought of James' leaving her, but no she had felt relieved specially after her situation changed. She was pregnant and she was sure as hell it wasn't James'. But her relief hadn't last long, not after Voldemort had specifically instructed her, the mission with James wasn't over. She was to keep him away of Lily.
On one hand, the prospect of having her child raised as a Potter, would ensure a bright future and would keep him safe, away from Voldemort. She was going to go all the way to keep James with her, even if that meant to stop seeing Snape.
James sat there thinking while he stroked Alexis hair. He was going to be a father, although he already was, but not even that could keep him away from Lily, back when they were prisoners the only thing that had kept them going was her, that was what had almost killed him two years go, but this time she had saved him.
No, he couldn't stay with Alexis, he didn't love her the way he loved Lily, there just wasn't a point of comparison.
"Alexis" said James softly "I can't..."
"What??!!"she asked looking perplexed
"Us, this, I can't, I am not happy, I haven't being for a while" said James "Of course I will take full responsability of our child, but I can't it isn't fair to you or me, I'm not happy, I thought I could be but..."
"This is about Lily?!! Isn't it?"Alexis cut him off
"No..."
"Don't you dare lie to me. If you're going to destroy my life, at least be honest. She's the reason you're leaving"
"Alexis, please.."
"No, James... I certainly do not deserve this" so her plan didn't work, but she wasn't going to let him go easily oh no "I tried to be patient, I understood your past with her, and what do you do??You go and cheat while I am sitting home hoping you would come back"
"I didn't cheat.." James felt like shit. She certainly didn't deserve this, but he wasn't going to make her happy, he couldn't not with Lily back.
"Since she was back, you regretted every single bloody minute, the fact you were married" said Alexis, and when James made no attempt to say nothing back, she burst into tears again and stood up leaving the room.
"James" someone whispered softly. "Come on wake up" and he heard a distant sob. It was Lily, she was here with him. "open your eyes, James" he heard the voice one more time. He opened his eyes to the most beautiful sight ever, Lily was sitting next to his bed but she wasn't alone in her arms she was holding Christina, who was sleeping.
"Lily..."he said smiling.It had been almost four days, and finally she was here. There was so much he need to tell her.
"I know, we always will" she said sadly.And James noticed the change on her expression, he was sure,when he saw a tear fall down her face.
"What is wrong?"he asked concerned. He tried to sit up straight, without any results, since he was too weak still.
"I wanted to wait for you to wake up...so we could say goodbye"said Lily, she had already made a choice.
"What??!!You can't...not now...Lily, we..."said James desesperately, not after all they had gone through, he couldn't leave him, not again. "You can't leave"
"I have to" she whispered "I want you to understand..."
"NO!!!I can't and I won't understand, Lily I won't let you" he said determined. He would be a moron if he let her walk out of here.
"Don't make this harder than it already it is" said Lily crying silently."James I talked to Dumbledore..."Still it didn't make any sense to him what had he said, could maker her leave.
Lily knew it would be hard, but there was no other way, everything was too risky, this was the best decision, even if it didn't feel like it. No one said it was going to be easy after all
"I finally know the rest of it. I know what happened. I remember" and so she began telling him, what Dumbledore had said, how Dumbledore had done the counter spell , and she had her memory back... "..I am so sorry I didn't tell you James, but it killed me to see you with Alexis, to see that you had moved on. To see that you could live without me, you did it once, it won't be hard this time"
"Lily, what the.."
"Christina is going back with Elizabeth" said Lily firmly "They're moving, I don't know where to, how, and I don't want to. Dumbledore is taking care of that."
"And you decided it on your own?"said James getting angry
"Yes, it was my choice to make!!"she spat back
"She is my daughter!!!"
"That you just met"said Lily bitterly
"Still,Lily you can't...I mean how can you just decide it all by yourself??!!!!"yelled James.
"Lower your voice"said Lily dangerously. "Beside there's nothing you can do about it. I came here so you could say goodbye" she said getting up her voice starting to quiver "but if you can't then I am leaving"
"No.."James pleaded grabbing her arm. "Lily, I am leaving Alexis, I...want my family back. You're my family, you have always been..."
"I never felt like this like I could just be free, You let me be me, you feel like home" said Lily dreamily as they sat on the edge of the Great Lake.
"You too. When I am with you,I feel like you see me completely for who I am. You are like a light I could stare for hours without blinking"
"How did I get so lucky?"Lily asked "Sometimes I wonder why you love me so much , I look at you and sometimes I feel like I will wake up and you will be just a figment of my imagination"
"That's crazy" said James looking at her " Do you not know how strong we are? How strong you are? How loving and beautiful inside and out? You're the most intelligent and smart witch in the whole school, you've got excellent grades, you help as much people as you can, you take care of me, make sure I eat and sleep, you listen to me and tell me when I am being an egoistical prat, help me when I hit a wall. You are there for all your friends, you are so independent and succesful in every single bloody thing you do. You help all your classmates, you are such a good daughter, and a really great, fun, amazing and unique girl. And you still think you aren't perfect and need to be more. Just being you is perfection"
"Wow" Lily was almost rendered speechless by his praise
"Wow, is right. Where did all that come from?" he said smiling at her blushing a little bit"Little intense"
"Just a little" James leaned over and kissed her long and hard
"This is real" he said looking in her eyes
"I know" Lily looked at him.
"Do you?"
"Yeah, I do and maybe that is what make me think it's only a dream" she held his face in her hands " so it seems like we're stuck with each other"
"Forever"
They kissed, but it was different from every other time. Lily felt like she was melting into him, merging. She felt safe and solid and part of something that would grow and nurture her for the rest of her life. The kiss tattooed itself onto her and no other pair of lips would ever be a match
"James, I love you, I love you too much. But I can't afford to get you killed...Because every bloody time we're together, bad things happen, awful things, and it won't stop." Said Lily "It's too late for me and you, but not for Christina" And looking at the little baby girl sleeping, James understood it was the right thing to do, she didn't deserve this life.
"Can I hold her?" he whispered. Lily nodded and handed him the peaceful and asleep baby. James stared at her, and started crying silently, he had never felt so vunerable and powerless and miserable at the same time.
"I love you" said James softly and kissed Christina's forehead. Lily watched this scene, and took a mental picture. She was never going to forget his very moment. Lily knew that no other man would fit her like James did. In a lifetime of forgettable men, James would always remain. Together or apart, she would never be free from him because in him she saw herself. They were each other's mirror, soul mates...
"Why are you leaving?" asked James after a long silence.Lily took the baby from his arms, placing her in the chair next to hers'
"I can't be here anymore" she said staring at him.
"Don't leave me. I love you so much" he whispered "You are the single most important thing to me"
"I know" Lily replied softly. "But I can't, it all seems too much..."a tear ran down her face and he brushed it away. "Don't cry. Just stay"
"I can't help it " she said wiping her face "Do you know how hard it is for me to love you?"
"I'm beggining to. I'm so sorry. I know I did so muche wrong things, if I could take it back..."
"You can't" said Lily numbly "Go back to her, she needs you...I know what it's like to be pregnant and alone.And I won't let you" but James seemed to completely ignore her remark, instead he looked at her without flinching
"The heart is infinite in its ability to love and overcome pretty much anything " He paused trying to get to her "The only way to move on and live your life is to love and let love" he pulled her closer, and kissed her slowly holding her the tightest he ever had. She could feel every inch of his body enevelop her , and soon their hearts were beating exactly in the same rhythm...
I wanted
I wanted you to stay
'Cause I needed
I need to hear you say
I love you
I have loved you all along
And I forgive you
For being away for far too long
So keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me,and never let me go
Keep breathing
'Cause I'm not leaving you anymore
Believe it
Hold on to me and, never let me go
Keep breathing
(Far away-Nickelback)
A/N: Don't hate me!!What do you think?? PLEASE REVIEW !!!!
Special thanks Untamed Loner, I promised her to update this weekend, so you can thank her too.
Also to the people who reviewed last chapter, you keep me writting guyz, so please keep reviewing...Tell me what you think, or if something isn't clear...just ask
Ivy
p.s. I think my beta gave up on my stoty, so I might be needing a new one.Anyone? please say so...