Hold Onto Me As We Go

Steve was walking through the main hangar, data pad in hand, trying to work his way through the crowd while reviewing the details of his last flight report before he submitted it to Major Alenko.

It had been a very busy day for him, he'd made a run to Earth and two to Luna, including a flight for Admiral Hackett, and he was very ready not see the inside of his shuttle for a few hours as well as looking forward to tonight's poker game. It would be the first weekly game the commander would attend since the battle for Earth and it promised to be a great evening.

His omni-tool pinged and he saw the alert was for an incoming message from Garrus. He tapped the miniscule console and Garrus's voice was soon heard in his ear piece.

"Hey, Garrus, I'm back at the station now. What's up?" he asked the Turian over the comm.

"Swing by Yogi's and grab a few bottles of vodka, will you? I'm sending you a list of a few other things Tali says we're running low on," replied Garrus. "Also, Shepard said something about a Canadian lager for Alenko. Good luck finding that."

"Did she say what kind?"

"No clue and I haven't seen her for hours."

Steve turned left, changing his direction so he could stop at Yogi's, the largest of the local bars. They had a good stock of standard liquors at decent prices and were always happy to help out anyone from the Normandy.

"Okay, well, I'm almost at Yogi's now, anything else?" Steve asked.

"Nothing that I know of," Garrus answered. "You might want to try Shepard though and see if she's already gotten the lager or not, otherwise, I'll see you back here. We're starting at 20:30, so there's still plenty of time."

"Got it, thanks, Garrus."

"See you back here, Vakarian out."

Steve paused to allow a large group of Asari to pass and then hurried through the crowd to Yogi's front door, entering and making his way to the side bar, where individual bottles could be bought. There were a few people in front of him and so he took the time to send a quick message to the commander.

It wasn't long before Steve could place his order, giving the details to the burly barman named Francis. He read the list Garrus had sent to the Batarian and asked about any kind of lager he might carry.

"Had some, but Commander Shepard is drinking up the last few bottles."

"She picked them up?" Steve asked, confused by Francis's choice of words.

Francis shrugged. "Well, unless she's drinking it through a straw, yeah, I guess you could say that. Go look for yourself, she's in the back, drinking them now."

Steve pulled a face, and Francis shook his head, gesturing over his left shoulder with his thumb. "I let her sit in the lounge, even though it's closed until the dinner crowd comes. Figured she'd get pestered if she sat out here. You can go back, if you want."

"Thanks, Francis, I'll just go say hello," Steve replied, holding out his credit chit. "Would you put the order on this? I'll grab everything on my way out."

"You got it."

Steve stepped around the counter and through the door which led to the lounge. It was a large room, with several dining tables set up, and it was mostly dark, lending an intimate atmosphere. On the far side of the room though, was a massive window, with a floor to ceiling view of the Martian landscape. A lone chair was situated in the middle of the wide area, Commander Shepard reclined in it, feet propped up and facing the panorama.

Quietly, Steve walked up behind his commander, noticing that there were about six bottles of lager near her feet, three of which appeared open. A data pad was on the floor and she was dressed in civilian casual clothes, not in her BDUs.

"Ma'am?"

She glanced to her right and nodded before looking back out the window. "Cortez. What brings you out?"

"I'm picking up supplies for tonight's game," he replied slowly. "You?"

"I'm getting drunk."

He arched an eyebrow. "Oh. Uh, any particular reason, ma'am?"

"Yup," she answered, taking a swig of her drink but saying nothing more.

"Which is?"

She snorted. "Oh, that little news nugget I'll keep to myself."

He studied Shepard for a few quiet moments before turning and loudly dragging another chair over next to hers. He sat down and crossed his hands behind his head, slumping low in the seat.

"Nice view, don't you think?"

Her eyes studied the horizon and she nodded. "It's pretty," she said slowly. "You know, the one from the Citadel, during the battle was really something to see. Sitting there, watching everything unfold in silence. Anderson and I thought we'd saved the damned day, so we sat down, exhausted, taking it in. He bled out admiring it…hell of a view though," she whispered and then took a drink.

He frowned with concern. "You okay, ma'am?"

"Steve, I'm sorry," she said sadly. "To be honest, I'm pissed off and feeling more than a little sorry for myself. Sometimes it seems I go from one kick in the ass to the next."

He nodded. "I can understand that, Shepard, you're always stuck in the middle of almost everything. That would get tough to handle, after a while. You want me to get the major? Garrus?"

She shook her head. "No, then I'd have explain why I'm sitting here getting shit-canned, and that, I'm not ready to do."

"Fair enough. You know, I've got a little time before I have to get back. Care if I hang out?"

She smiled, leaning low to grab another lager, offering it to him. "You know, I was picking these up for Kaidan. He's going to be a little miffed I'm drinking them all."

"How about I get us a couple of basic beers?" he replied, handing the lager back to her. "We can save these for the major."

"That works for me, but you'll need to keep up, Cortez. You're not here to babysit."

"I can handle that," he said with a grin, standing. "You good with a stout? Or do you like something pale?"

"I'm good with alcohol, Steve, just keep it coming."

With a nod, he walked out of the room and to the bar, ordering a few beers and sending James a quick message letting him know where he and the commander were. A minute later he returned to Shepard, taking his seat again.

"So, did you tell James where we were?" she asked.

Steve nodded and shrugged. "You said no Alenko or Garrus, but they're going to be looking for us, so, you know."

"Yeah, I know. Thanks, I don't want to worry anyone."

They sat in silence, watching as a large Turian frigate slowly maneuvered its way toward the station.

"It's amazing, isn't it? There are still so many ships limping home," Steve observed. "It'll take them a few years to reach their own system. I can't imagine that."

"Liara thinks the key to making the relay system work properly again lay within the Citadel," she replied. "It's logical, that it would be the central component of the whole system, considering it was needed to disable it. I'm just wondering how we would ever tow it back to Widow."

He pondered her comment and shrugged. "Creating something to manage deflecting debris and dust while you tow it at FTL speeds would be a hell of a trick, too. The only reasonable course of action is to repair it here, in Sol, and then fly it back to Widow, like the Reapers did when they brought it here."

She nodded and grew quiet.

"So, uh, you're not going to tell me why you're here," he began, "but, since I'm guessing it's bad news, is there anything I can do to help?"

"No, but thanks," she replied. "And it's not bad news, per se, it's just an unexpected and unwelcome reality check. I somehow managed to forget I'm a cog in one big ass machine."

"You're not a cog, Shepard."

"I am," she argued as he shook his head. "A well-known one, sure, and maybe even a moderately important one, but a cog all the same. Don't get me wrong, that's never been a problem before, it's never bothered me to know I'm a piece of a puzzle."

"Are you a puzzle piece or a cog?"

"I'm whatever analogy I can come up with after four beers and no food, Lieutenant."

Steve smiled. "Yes, ma'am," he chuckled. "So are you saying that it bothers you now? Being a piece of the uh, cog puzzle?"

She closed her eyes and sighed. "I'm realizing that maybe…maybe the puzzle's changed."

"Meaning you don't fit it anymore?"

She watched the horizon quietly, adjusting her legs and sipping her beer. He realized she wasn't going to answer his question and decided to change gears, hoping she'd share whatever was troubling her.

"You've got a new sling, I see. Chakwas upgraded you, huh?"

She glanced down and nodded. "She did. I'm nearly done with this whole rehab thing."

"I hear you and the major are planning on looking for his family?"

"We are," she answered. "Though, now that I've had a chance to see how bad things really are on Earth, I'm wondering how we'll ever find them." She finished off her lager and stood, keeping her hand on the back of her chair.

"It'll be a challenge, that's for certain."

"Steve, I'm thinking that as I'm still a little wobbly on my feet, it might be best if I don't actually get fall-down drunk here. Think you could handle walking back now instead?"

He stood quickly, surprised by her change in mood, but readily agreed. "Of course, Shepard, whatever you need, you know that. I'll just go tell Frances, he was putting an order together for me."

"Frances," she forced a laugh. "Whoever heard of a batarian named Frances? Wonder what Bray would think of that."

He crossed the room and slipped through the door, settling his tab with Frances, tipping the batarian extra for looking out for the commander, and arranged for his order to be delivered to the Normandy, rather than trying to carry the case himself – Shepard might need his help getting home.

Once he returned, he found her again seated and gazing out the window. He stopped next to her and offered his hand. "Ready, ma'am? Don't' forget, it's poker night."

"Right," she replied, standing and walking with him.

They left the bar and worked their way down the main drag of the station, Shepard nodding politely to the people who called out to her, even stopping twice to sign autographs. Once they reached the Normandy, she paused at the base of the ramp leading to the airlock, her gaze locked onto the ship.

"Commander?" Steve said, wondering why they'd stopped, and he waited a few feet ahead of her.

"Go ahead, Steve. I'll be a minute."

He watched her for another moment, uncertain if he should wait or not.

"Go, really. I appreciate you walking me back," she said. "And I'd appreciate it even more if you don't mention this to anyone. I get that James knows, but if you'd be discreet, and ask him to do the same, I'd be grateful."

"Yes, ma'am, no problem."

She rested her hip against the railing, her eyes still on the ship. "Thanks. I'll see you later."

Understanding her dismissal, he turned and walked up the long ramp, the sounds of the dozen or so men working on the hull filling the hangar. He glanced over his shoulder at the commander as the exterior door of the Normandy opened, his heart falling into his stomach at what he saw.

He didn't know what happened today or what it meant to the crew, but there was no denying what he'd seen in her eyes.

Shepard was lost.

xXx

Kate stared out of the window over her bed, watching the retrofit teams work in the scaffolding that enveloped the Normandy.

She'd lingered outside the ship for a few minutes, watching the crews at work. Steve, who'd been so good about not pressing her for information, had gone the extra mile for her, as usual. When she'd entered the ship, he'd been hovering near the airlock, and upon seeing her, he'd distracted what few crew members had been in the CIC, allowing her to get onto the elevator without any extra attention.

Now, three hours later, her buzz long gone, her mind and soul were again wrestling with what Hackett had announced today.

The roster he'd given her had included the details of the selected crewmen new orders, and despite her disgust at the entire concept, she'd been forced to admit that Hackett had done a very good job with each placement. No one had been handed a bad assignment, each of them were being placed in areas that would allow them real growth in their careers and specific expertise.

She'd be happy for them, once she was done being disappointed as hell at letting any of them go. With an angry shake of her head, she fought the tears that had been lurking since Hackett had told her. She was not going to cry, damn it, and that was all there was to it.

How the hell did this happen?

Her own options regarding her next post were very limited. No matter how she looked at the situation, she really only had two choices. Accept the command of the Berlin, likely ending her time as an active participant in ground operations, stunting her effectiveness as a Spectre, and taking her far from Kaidan; or resign, the idea of which made her palms sweat and her heart thud inside her chest.

She groaned and rolled onto her belly, putting her face into her pillow, struggling to get a grip on her emotions.

Kaidan walked into their quarters, his long day finally done, and flopped into the chair by the desk, unlacing his boots. He didn't see her at first, and she didn't speak, but once he spotted her, he arched an eyebrow and slowly walked to their bed, where she remained face-down, spread eagle.

"Uh, Kate? You okay? Game starts in a half hour."

Her reply was muffled, her face still buried in the sheets. He grinned and leaned over. "Sorry, babe, I don't speak mattress."

She said something else, and he laughed as she rolled onto her back, gazing up at him. His smile disappeared as he recognized her upset and he sat on the side of the bed.

"What is it? What's happened?" he asked urgently, concern in his voice.

She sat up, shaking her head, not speaking as she handed him Hackett's roster. He glanced at the data pad in her hand and took it, scanning the contents quickly before getting back to his feet.

"What the hell? What is this?" he demanded. "This looks like a posting roster, Kate! Where'd this come from?"

"Hackett brought it to me," she said softly. "They gave me the Berlin. Vega's off to N7 training."

He pulled a face, shaking his head. "The Berlin? What…why? When did you see Hackett?" he asked, still reading the roster.

"Today. He sent me a last minute request; he was here for maybe a half-hour. It was to give us that," she finished, gesturing to the pad. "A cruiser, Kaidan. What good am I on a goddamned cruiser?"

He glanced down at her from the pad. "It doesn't make any sense!" he agreed, his eyes back on the screen. "A cruiser is way too slow to respond to critical situations, especially when compared to the Normandy! How do they expect…" he paused and then the rest of his words froze on his lips.

She stood and, standing on her tiptoes, looked over his shoulder and down at the pad. She kissed his back. "You found your orders."

"Kate," he breathed, staring at the small screen. "No. This is wrong."

"You outrank me, and you're a Spectre. It makes sense, and they're taking me off, no matter what," she said quietly. "Hackett made that very clear. At least, this way, I'll know she's in good hands."

"I don't want this. No!" he said fiercely. "No way I'm taking the Normandy! I told him that once already!"

"If you don't, then someone else gets this ship, Kaidan, my ship," she explained, still holding him. "It's going to be hard enough for the crew, having so many of us shuffled around like this. If you take the command, at least that's some solace. They all think highly of you, they trust you. To be honest, your assignment is the only piece of good news on that whole damn list."

"I don't care. I won't do this to you," he seethed. "Hackett can go to hell, I will not do this."

"Kaidan…"

"No! Give you the Berlin? Make me take the Normandy? We've done too much; we've worked too hard for them…no! I will not just accept this," he said, his voice climbing. He turned around and looked down at her.

"Right here?" he began, gesturing between them. "We matter. After everything we've given, Kate, we get to count. This roster separates us, so there's no way this plan of theirs works. We're going back to Hackett."

"And telling him what? He was adamant about these changes, Kaidan. He called it a 'necessary evil'; he didn't see another way to meet the Fleet's needs. I told him I didn't think I could accept the new assignment, I told him you wouldn't assume command here! It didn't get me anywhere. He didn't budge."

"So, just what do we do then?" he asked, shaking his head. "How do we fix this?"

"The notes about my assignment say they want to begin my transition to broad-scale leadership. I think they're grooming me for…oh, who knows." She sighed, putting her arms around his waist and resting her cheek against his chest. "Read your own assignment details, there's a purpose to it, Kaidan, and it's big. I don't know that we can fix this."

His arms wrapped her into an embrace, his chin on the top of her head. "We're going to try. We have to make this right."

"I agree, but, the fact is, they're not entirely wrong," she whispered. "There're so many ships out there that have half, if not more, of their crews missing. They're in need of talented people and they have to look at the needs of the Fleet first."

"Of course they do. I see the logic, damn, I'm not even arguing with it, but our needs have to matter too, don't they? Somewhere in all this, our happiness has to count."

She sighed. "I've never had my needs conflict before, have you?"

"No, but I've never had a purpose other than to serve."

"Neither have I. But I do now," she sighed. "Where does that leave us?"

"Alright, look, we can't make the decision to accept or decline an assignment for the people who report to us. Cortez, Vega, the rest? They've got to choose what they want to do."

"Of course they do," she agreed. "And the assignments on there are pretty fantastic. It's loaded with real opportunities for each of them."

"And that's great. It's exactly what we'd have hoped for them, right? We've mentored and counseled all of them, tried to help them reach their full potential. This clearly means their hard work has paid off. They're earned these promotions and assignments."

"They have. I think once the shock wears off, most people will see the good this will do them."

"Right," he agreed, taking her hand. "Except for us, for us, this…Kate, bottom line, what's on this roster I won't comply with, it's that simple."

"What if this is final?" she asked, feeling a pang of panic bubble inside. She could sense the tension in him as well and snuggled back into his arms.

"Then maybe…maybe we resign," he finally replied, giving voice to her own horrible conclusion. "Maybe we focus on our duties as Spectres. We'd still be helping people, making a difference, we'd just be working with the Council, instead of the Alliance."

She nodded, worry on her face. "That occurred to me too, but, are we seriously considering this?"

"I don't want to resign any more than you do," he said in a tight tone. "But I think we both agree, we're staying together, right?"

"Without question, yes," she agreed quickly before she paused, letting out a frustrated sigh. "Shit."

He put his hands on her shoulders and held her gaze. "Nothing's decided yet. We'll reach out to Hackett and explain our concerns and see what he can do."

She stepped back, nodding as she did. "Right. And in the meantime, I'm nearly finished with PT and then we're focusing on your parents. Hackett doesn't expect my answer for another six weeks or so, and I'm sure you'll have as much leeway as he's given me."

"Kate, maybe I'm not being clear. I don't need time to consider my answer," he said firmly. "It's a no. I am declining the command of the Normandy. Do you want the Berlin?"

"No. I'd be apart from you constantly and no matter how they dress it, it's a damned desk job."

"Then, okay, we're rejecting our new posts," he stated. "That leaves the Alliance with two choices, two standard protocols. They can offer us a second set of orders or they can offer us a chance to resign. Are you prepared to take that stand?"

She walked to the fish tank, her back to him, and ran her fingers through her hair, sighing.

"Kate?" he asked softly and she could hear the anxiety her hesitation was causing.

"I was born on the SSV Hanover," she said quietly. "Both my parents died in service. I was raised, educated, trained, mentored, encouraged, found you, hell, I even died, on Alliance vessels. The Alliance has been as much a parent to me as my own were."

She turned to face him, meeting his eyes as she nervously bit her lip.

"Kaidan, this is all I've ever known, the very idea of a life outside of this one is unimaginable for me. I have no idea what it's like to be a civilian, none. I wouldn't even know where to start!"

He tucked his hands into his pockets, his nostrils flareing. "So you lean on me, I'm no navy brat, remember? We do this together. We carve out our own life, you and me. Right?"

Her eyes darted around and she scrubbed her face with her hands.

"Right?" he prompted, panic in his voice. "Kate?"

"No matter what Hackett says, what the Alliance decides, I want a life with you," she rasped. "But who am I without the Alliance? What if I'm awful not being 'Commander Shepard'? What then?"

"Maybe this isn't the best time," he muttered hesitantly. He walked to the desk near the bed, opening a drawer. "Or, maybe-maybe it's the perfect time," he said more confidently, turning back to her.

She stared, seeing a small black box in his hand.

"I've had this for a while," he explained, opening it to reveal a small, simple ring. "Actually, I bought it the last time we were on the Citadel, but I couldn't figure out when to give it to you, you know? I was worried you'd think I was reacting to the war, or rushing things, or that you'd think I was asking you out of fear of losing you, of what could come."

He stood directly in front of her, his eyes intense.

"Now, though, I've kind of figured out that's exactly why I'm asking you to marry me," he continued with a sheepish smile. "Commander Shepard is amazing, yeah, but I've faced too many days without you – without Kate. That was a loneliness that nearly broke me. I went through the motions after you were gone, like my life was still going forward, but it wasn't. Even after I knew you were alive, everything was just…waiting, stuck in slow motion, waiting to for us be us again. I won't live like that again, I-I can't."

"Kaidan…"

He laughed nervously. "Please tell me this is making sense, that I'm not completely messing this up. I was going to plan something better, really I…"

She threw her arm around his neck, pulling herself into his arms and kissed him.

He asked against her lips. "Is that a yes?"

She nodded quickly. "Yes, it's a yes!" she answered before pulling him into another kiss.

"Good, okay," he exhaled, cupping her face, and she saw the relief in his eyes as he smiled at her. "We'll get married and see what Hackett and the Alliance think of our answers. Then we'll go from there."

"Are you sure? Are you really sure?"

"God, yes," he whispered. "Do you have any idea how much I love you? As long as it's you and me, then we'll be okay, Kate. We'll do it together, whatever comes."

"I love you too," she exhaled and then grinned. "You do realize this may look like we're a couple of teenagers who ran away from home? Possibly telling the Alliance to stick it and running off to get married?"

"The Alliance will work with us, I'm sure of it," he said confidently before shrugging and smiling down at her. "And who could blame us if we do run away; even it's just for a little while? We've earned the right, haven't we?"

"Damn right we have. So, when do we do this?"

"There's a chaplain near the personnel office here on the station. We could go over there, maybe we won't even have to wait. Or do you want to plan it out? Make it an event?"

"God no, not unless you do," she said quickly. "I wouldn't know where to start and if word got out, it'd be a circus. Are you good with that? Just a few of us together? Keeping it low-key? What about your parents?"

"It could take months to find my parents, Kate, and I don't want to wait," he said softly. "I think we should get married here, as soon as possible, then tell the Alliance our decision about the posts, and see what happens."

She grinned. "Okay, so we'll go get married, like tomorrow. This should cause a stir, huh?"

He kissed her slowly. "Damn the torpedoes, Shepard."

She lingered in his arms, tasting him as she felt her universe right itself. This was what she wanted – this was right.

"Hey, think Garrus will be okay with being my maid-of-honor?"

He laughed. "I have no clue. But please, ask him when I'm around, okay? I want to see his face."

A HUGE thanks to Lisa for her beta work! She celebrated a birthday last week! Happy Birthday, chick! Look for her work on under the author Lisakodysam.

Also, thanks to Michele for her help with checking canon and characterizations. Her work can be found here on FF, under the author Liso66.

My thanks for the alerts, the favorites and for your comments. I'm very grateful to each of you for your time and for sharing this story with me!