Justice for Molly

Chapter 11 – Temptation

-OG-

"Can you get me stuff for me from the car?"

"Yep ... just stay right where you are ... don't go anywhere"

Molly stared around the room that she'd thought she'd never see again. Some of the happiest times of her life had been spent in this room, the first time she'd realised he was as nuts about her as she was about him, that he wanted her much and all the times he'd made her believe they were forever or at least that's what she'd thought. Nothing had changed, well not in the room itself it hadn't, it still smelled the same, lavender polish and there was still the same big dark old fashioned furniture, the same paper on the walls and the same curtains and there was still the same coffee stain on the carpet where Charles had knocked his cup flying one of the first times she'd ever been there, although why things should be any different now she didn't quite know, she hadn't been gone years it was only a matter of months. But other things had changed, they'd changed beyond anything she could have imagined in her worst fucking nightmare. Yeah, there were still the same soft side lights that he'd flicked on before he leaned back against the door and watched her with hooded eyes as she looked round, it was as almost if he couldn't quite believe she was there either before he turned and vanished and as usual risked breaking his neck by taking the stairs two at a time as she wandered around touching things and then went out on the landing to wait for him. He'd left the front door wide open totally disregarding every word he'd said earlier about it being an invitation for thieves to nip in and help themselves and she could hear Bill muttering in the hallway below about how some people were born in a bloody barn as he huffed and went over and shut it. It was all so same old, same old. Only she was different. She wandered back and started opening drawers to see if any of her stuff was still there or whether it had been chucked out, although why Meg would have done that she didn't know, but it was all still there and had obviously been washed and ironed and folded neatly to put it away and not just chucked in the drawers like she'd of done. It felt odd as if it was not really real being back in that room because she'd told herself over and over that this house, this room was part of her past and she'd tortured herself picturing Georgie in this room with him, sleeping in that bed instead of her.

She was on the point of going down to let him in when his mum answered the knock on the door and then there were all these muffled sounds of their voices talking in the hall saying stuff she couldn't quite make out which really pissed her off before he came bounding up the stairs again.

"You alright?"

"Yeah ... must remember to thank your mum for seeing to me stuff for me" She waved her hand vaguely in the direction of the chest of drawers and then went to sit on the bed and began to root through her backpack for nightclothes and toilet bag suddenly angry again and not wanting to meet his eyes "What was all that about?"

"Nothing ..." He jerked his head in the direction of the bathroom door "Do you want to go first?"

"Thanks" Molly hesitated "Where am I gonna sleep Charles? I mean you know I'm not sleeping in 'ere with you and this is your room and ... so where ...?"

"In here of course ... it's your room as well ... but don't worry, I'll find somewhere else" He crossed the room to sit on the edge of the bed next to her making very sure he was just far enough away not to touch, not even by accident and then hastily made a decision as he ran his hand over the back of his neck and looked sideways at her before returning his gaze to the floor. He'd gone over this a thousand times in his head when he'd been trying to imagine how he was going to explain the inexplicable to her if he ever got the chance, but now it suddenly seemed simple, he had to be honest. Given a straight choice he really wouldn't have told her any of it, but she deserved the truth and this was Molly for fuck sake and he remembered her telling him once that she had a bullshit radar for people who tried to lie to her, so there was a danger that she'd know immediately if he tried to put a spin on any of it "There was death everywhere I looked Mol, blood and pain and ... there was nothing I could do about it ... and it was my fault, all of it, I was responsible because it was my fucking job to look after people and get them home in one piece not to get them killed, and then someone I would have trusted with my bloody life turned out to be a complete crock of shit" He paused and shook his head slowly from side to side, obviously still feeling that same degree of disbelief "I really liked him you know and I'd have laid money on Azizi being one of the good guys and look how that turned out? I'd begun to make mistakes Mol, left, right and fucking centre, and those mistakes meant more people dying so how was I supposed to trust my judgement ... and I knew others had stopped trusting me as well" He paused and wiped his hand down his face "I can't blame them for that, if I didn't trust me why the fuck would anyone else?"

He got up and walked over to the huge wooden chest of drawers that was against one wall and put his hands on top then leaned on them so that he had his back to her and Molly knew it was because he didn't want to see her face, that he thought he would see censure in her eyes.

"Then Elvis ... and her face when she was trying to stop him dying ... but I fucking knew right from the moment that bomb went off that there was nothing she could do, that there was nothing any of us could do... Elvis ... my friend ... who'd been there as far back as I could remember, the bloody adrenalin junkie who was always up for a laugh and who'd always seemed to be the most indestructible person I knew ... gone ... and it was my fault and that meant it was up to me to see she was alright ... I had to do that much for him ... I kept seeing him fly off that fucking rooftop and kept hearing her screams and remembering having to put him in that fucking body bag and every time..." He swallowed hard "Every time I saw her cry over him I couldn't stand it, I felt so fucking guilty... my fault ... I knew I'd never forgive myself ... but by then of course I'd got it all badly fucked up so all I could think was how I'd let everyone down, Elvis, her, the lads and most of all ... you"

"How do you work that one out? You didn't let me down ... well, not then anyhow ... you did after, then you let me down" Molly heaved a deep sigh "You let yourself down is what you mean"

"I know ... but I let you down as well though didn't I? You didn't marry some pathetic ... excuse that couldn't make a decision to save his bloody life did you? Someone who put other people's lives at risk, that wasn't who I was, and I don't know now why it all made so much sense at the time, I knew I was making a fucking mess of all of it but I still didn't believe there was anything wrong with me ... and then Belize and I really thought that was it, that it was the end ... that I'd fucked up one last time and do you want to know something funny, all I wanted was you but you weren't there and she was" Even as he said it he knew it was a bloody stupid and unreasonable thing to say, he'd been delirious with fever and pain and had been dreaming about home and Molly so it had been hard to know what was real and what was in his head "Sorry ... but I got it in my head that she was the only one who understood about Elvis and ... I didn't have to explain anything to her or apologise because every time I fucked up she was there and saw it for herself, mind you she was bloody responsible for a lot of it because she was another one who'd lost sight of what she was doing ... almost as much as me ..." He hesitated again, suddenly worried that he was inviting her to tell him to sod off and to go and find somewhere to sleep, or that he'd started to sound as if he was trying to justify himself or even worse, blame it all on Georgie "Margot says she's very likely to be suffering Post Traumatic Stress as well and because of that it was a toxic combination"

"Sorry, can't worry about 'er ... you know I never expected you to be some sort of fucking superhero Charles, don't you? I never asked for you to be perfect either ... that wasn't who I married, I married you ... so what made you think it was what I needed ... or wanted ... and what the fuck made you think I was gonna be fine when you decided to piss off with someone else, what give you that idea ... or didn't you even think about me?"

"You were though, weren't you?"

"What? Alright? Is that what you think? Well I am now, but I had no fucking choice did I? And you know that all that stuff didn't matter to me, don't you? I just wanted you to talk to me ... that's all ... to let me help, or to maybe even listen a bit when I was trying to 'elp but instead of that you shut me out and went running to her ..."

"I know ... I do know that, I know that only too well now, and I probably knew it then but ... well I persuaded myself that you didn't understand that there was nothing wrong with me... it was more that you didn't care anymore so were getting on with your own life ... and that you didn't need me the way she did so I started telling myself that you and I were all wrong together, that we'd run our course and that you were going to be far better off without me"

"So, is that what you thought when you was refusing to talk to me and was texting her instead?"

"I suppose so, at the time ... sorry"

"You trying to say all that's changed now?"

"Do you really have to ask?" He'd come back to sit on the side of the bed next to her but was still being careful not to touch her.

"Yeah I do actually ... cos you know what, I dunno 'ow am I s'posed to believe you now, I mean why should I? And 'ow am I s'posed to know you're not gonna turn round and piss all over me again when things get a bit shit for some reason" She paused "I used to have a plan, you know, of what I wanted to do with me life, of how I saw things working, but I didn't plan on getting fucked over by my old man, I didn't plan on 'aving to start again and make a new plan ... but that's what 'appened innit?"

"I know ... and I don't know what I can say that would make you believe me, I only wish I did ... but to be honest I'm not even sure there is anything ... and when I look back now I can't believe I got it all so wrong Mol ... but I did ..." He longed to put his arms round her but the way she was sitting on the bed just a few feet away from him with her arms hugging her knees meant that it might as well have been a few miles "So ... that's it for me, no more ... it's a desk job from now on ... pushing bits of paper around all day, but I'm counting myself bloody lucky to have even that much to look forward to, it could have all been so different ... Oh and two sessions a week with Margot for the foreseeable"

"I didn't think that was your bag"

"What Margot or the desk job?"

"Both ... but the job I s'pose"

"It's not ... I find the thought of sitting behind a desk all day makes me want to scream, how did you describe it now, the thought does my head in, but then so does the alternative, a nice long spell of sitting around the house on sick leave and then the dole because I'm not exactly qualified for anything else am I? The army is all I've ever known and it used to be what I was good at... not now, of course, not anymore, not with my history ... but the one thing I am sure about is that I'm never going to do another tour, not that I can see anyone being exactly delirious at the prospect of me being in charge again somewhere with people relying on me, definitely can't see that happening any time soon, the Brig made that much very plain to me"

To her horror she realised there was the sheen of tears in his eyes as he talked about his immediate future, not that he was crying exactly but it was still something she'd never thought she'd see in a million years. He was right when he said she'd always expected him to be the strong one about everything, had thought about him as a rock, her rock, so it was a shock to suddenly face the reality that he was as vulnerable as she was. It was just that he'd been better at hiding it behind a mask over the years.

"Probably be good to stop home for a bit, what with needing to see Margot 'n that"

Molly knew she was just saying something to fill the silence as she watched a solitary tear leak from the corner of his eye and slowly roll down his cheek before he dashed it away with an impatient swipe of his hand and she felt the sharp prickle of tears on the backs of her own eyes and moved to sit next to him. How the bloody hell had it all gone so wrong?

"Don't" She put a hand on his arm and watched a muscle twitch in his face as he swallowed and struggled hard to compose himself while she felt totally useless trying to think of what she could possibly say that would make him feel better as her own eyes flooded with tears which started to escape and trickle down her face.

"Ditto" He turned and put his hand up and used his thumb to gently wipe them away and suddenly their arms were wrapped tightly round one another, as they clung to each other with their wet faces pressed together.

"I thought there was time, you know, that there was plenty of time for me to be pissed at you, never really thought about it being forever, never thought that far ahead until your mum said about me needing to be sure ... I s'pose I thought that you deserved everything you got but then she said that Elvis had thought he had all the time in the world ... and for me to think about that and ... Smurf ... 'n I started thinking what if it happened to you ... there was all those times I refused to talk to you, when I fucking hated you and what if you were the one to die? You'd die thinking I hated you and then .. well I just didn't know anymore" Molly brushed the tears away where they were dripping off her chin "I'm tired of feeling sad and hurt ... and like I'm left out ... I want to feel like me again and I don't know whether I can ..."

"What? Feel like that if you're with me, right? ... I know ... but I always knew you didn't hate me Mol, well not as much as I hated myself" He swallowed hard "I can't think of anything I want more than to ask you to please come back to me, to come home ... but I want you to come home because you're sure it's what you want and I don't want you to ever be sorry ... but please, please don't cry"

"I'm not ..." She put a finger up and wiped a stray tear from his face as he mirrored the action and traced the path of a tear down her cheek with his thumb, his eyes following it until it reached her mouth so that she could taste the salt before he brushed it away gently, his thumb tracing the outline of her lips.

And then his hands were tangled in her hair and he was pushing it back from her face to pull her towards him and she could taste the salt of their mingled tears as he put his mouth on hers and kissed her with an ever increasing urgency at the same time as stroking the side of her face to hold her head make sure her lips stayed locked to his. Her fingers moved up to twine in the short hairs at the back of his neck as he broke the kiss and leaned away from her a little, leaning his head back towards her hand until she leaned into him and his mouth opened hungrily over hers again, as everything melted away until nothing at all existed for her but the taste of him and the smell of his skin and the way his heart was pounding against her chest.

"Hey ..." He broke the kiss and began to kiss her neck round to her ear before tightening his arms round her and pushing her hair away with his chin to whisper against her ear "You'd better go and get ready for bed or I'm about to forget every promise I've made about waiting out"

"Are you telling me to piss off?" She knew he was right and that it would be the sensible mature thing for her to do, to get up and go to the bathroom, but at that exact moment wasn't sure that she wanted to be that sensible, despite everything she still had the same difficulty she'd always had in keeping her hands off him "So you sayin' you don't you want me to stay with you then?"

"Shit Mol, what a question ... of course I want you to stay with me, I can't think of anything I'd like more" He stroked the sides of her face with his thumbs again "But ... I can't bear the thought you might regret anything"

"Okay ...I'm going" Molly tore herself away then spoke over her shoulder as she picked up her backpack "I know you gotta go and find somewhere to ... but you won't go while I'm in there will you?" She stopped at the bathroom door "I know I said I weren't gonna sleep with you but you could stop in here if you want ... I mean, it's a big bed innit? ... not that I've changed me mind or anything ... just sayin'"

She closed the door carefully behind her as Charles sat on the side of the bed and stripped off his shirt and socks then balled his socks and shirt together and threw them in the general direction of the chair before going back to thinking about her on the other side of the door and wondering whether she'd meant it when she'd said about them sharing the bed and whether it did mean she was seriously considering coming back to him. She seemed to be in there forever before the sound of the door opening made him turn his head and his breath hitched at the sight of her wearing a tiny pair of sleep shorts and a red top, whether it was the same red top he doubted, but looking at her was like turning the clock back to another lifetime as he ran his tongue over lips that were suddenly as dry as a bone. It was beginning to occur to him that it was going to be almost an impossibility to just lie in bed next to her without touching her, and that maybe finding somewhere else to sleep would actually be a good idea.

"Are we gonna do it then?"

"Do what?"

"Share the bed of course ... what did you think I meant? We could put a pillow ... or something ...?"

She gestured with her hand in the general direction of the middle of the bed and then shrugged as he fought the urge to just lean over and pull her into the bed with him, standing up hastily instead before temptation could get the better of him and then wondered what the chances were of being able to get to the bathroom without her seeing the affect she was having on him for the second time in a matter of hours.

"Just going ..." He kept his back turned as he spoke and indicated the bathroom "You get into bed and we'll sort it when I get back if you like"

-OG-

A/N: Thank you for your wonderful feedback for Chapter 10 ... and sorry to those who want her to dump him on his arse from a great height or to pick Matt instead ... In our world they will always be a couple ... whether that is staying together or moving on they will always love each other ... but before they can re-build their lives it's a question of being able to forgive ...