Author's Notes: (gives a peace sign and smiles brightly) sincerely to the readers, I am trying my hardest to finish this story. My boss (brother) is yelling at me for writing my story slow and passing it late… I apologize a lot… but enjoy anyways! And I hope the sneak peek encourages the readers to stay with the story… I wonder how many chapters will I be making? Hehehe… anyways… just read and comment me once in awhile… tell me anything! If I suck just say it! (But please not too harshly… I'm a very sensitive and fragile person! Waahh! Spare me!) If I'm good… tell me cuz' it really cheers me up and I would give you some surprises… just like 'Chinese Dragon Keeper'… (Eyes glitters and waves hand frantically at her… "Yo! Hope ya' remain my reader! You really make me happy!")
Ahem... we should continue with the story… (Starts to type with the speed of light and suddenly gets a little slow…) Sorry… hehe… I need to have a lot of ideas to be lightning fast! (Types normally and thinks slow)- That's what I am!
"To bear LOVE with its boundaries"
Chapter 11: FAMILY, MEMORIES and LONELINESS
The sun was bright and no demon had attacked them all morning. Sanzo and the group just sat in their seats making no sounds at all. Hakkai who was happy about his relationship with Gojyo was smiling a lot. Sanzo like a nerve wrecked monk, he tried so hard not to pounce on Hakkai and beat the shit out of him. Hakkai was a few feet away from his reach and Sanzo was tempted to talk about their relationship. Goku was sleeping in his seat while Gojyo just stared boringly at the sandy road.
"Hakkai… are we going to make it to the next town today?" Gojyo asked boringly since there's nothing else to ask anyways.
"Hmm… well… according to our destination in the map… I think we won't be able to reach it till the next day…" Hakkai rubbed his chin and tried to think for a moment. Goku woke up immediately towards Hakkai's prediction.
"Eh! That long?" Goku pouted and Gojyo just patted the boy on the back.
"Che… No complaining!" Sanzo scolded the little boy. Goku started to cry like a little kid and Sanzo's anger meter started to rise.
"But… I just want to eat something more civilized! WAAAHH!" Goku kept on whining and crying, Sanzo clenched his hands and his veins started to pop out.
"Is food the only thing you think about!" Sanzo suddenly strikes Goku with his paper fan. It was a surprise that Sanzo got so unbelievably angry, usually he would control his temper a bit longer but since he broke up with Gojyo, he's more hostile than the demon enemies he had faced.
"Ite! Meanie…" Sanzo continued to hit the little boy when he said that. Goku placed his hands on top of his head to shield it from the paper fan. It was useless; Sanzo used his foot and stomped on him.
"Bakasaru!" Sanzo yelled at the boy. Goku kept on struggling in his seat. Gojyo watched the two men without expression and Hakkai was really silent in the front.
"Ite! Okay! I'm sorry… I'll stop whining now…" Sanzo sighed and slowly hid back the paper fan. Goku rubbed his hands when Sanzo sat back on his seat. Gojyo started laughed and then Hakkai followed, Sanzo was surprised. He looked at Gojyo then to Hakkai, Sanzo definitely was embarrassed.
"It's weird… Gojyo isn't fighting with Goku anymore…" Hakkai wiped a few tears off from his eyes.
"Yeah… It's like I'm having fun watching the monk arguing with the bakasaru…" Gojyo smiled at Goku and gave him a friendly rub on the head.
"Hey! Watch the hair!" Goku's hair was messed up when Gojyo rubbed him. Gojyo laughed at the adorable little demon who sat beside him.
"Hrmp!" Sanzo grunted, he didn't want to hear anymore comments from Hakkai nor Gojyo. Yes, it was a bit funny that Gojyo didn't fight Goku and instead Sanzo fought the annoying little boy. But this time someone won in the fight and that was Sanzo. An hour past or so, everyone was silent until Goku started to open his big mouth.
"Ah… Hakkai… It's soo… HOT!" Goku was whining again and Sanzo was about to get irritated as usual. Gojyo knew what was going to happen next, so to save Goku's butt from Sanzo, he leaned forward and placed his arms around Sanzo's neck. Gojyo leaned in his head and rested it on the monk's shoulder. Sanzo froze in his seat, his muscle tensed, he could feel the slender arms of Gojyo around him and it felt good. Hakkai wasn't paying to Gojyo's actions; he thought it was normal anyways since Gojyo and Sanzo are just friends. Hakkai just concentrated on the driving. Sanzo's heart started to beat fast, Gojyo grinned at his back, he moved his lips near Sanzo's neck and like a lizard, his tongue flicked quickly to get one last taste of Sanzo's sweet neck. Lucky for them, Goku laid on his seat staring at the sun; his golden eyes were hypnotized by the strong light. Gojyo leaned back in his seat and left Sanzo cursing under his breath for not resisting his damn seduction.
"Oi… Goku…" Gojyo called the boy's attention; Goku's gaze went to Gojyo's face.
"Ahg! I can't see! Gojyo's face is just a bright light!" Goku started to rub his eyes, after rubbing them he stared at Gojyo in a closer range. Gojyo laughed at the silly boy and made him sit back in his place.
"Just close you're eyes for a moment, then open it and see if you could see clearly" Gojyo instructed the little naïve boy. Goku obeyed and did what Gojyo had instructed him to do. After a few minutes passing by, Goku slowly opened his eyes; his sight was back to normal.
"Yahoo! I can see again!" Goku cheered in his seat, Gojyo shook his head and laughed at the boy. Sanzo was silent, he thought of Goku as a total idiot. Hakkai joined Goku and cheered with him.
"Baka… If you stare at the sun like that you won't be able to see properly…" Gojyo folded his arms and shook his head disapprovingly.
"Gojyo… thank you…" Goku looked up at the redhead who was like a brother to him, Gojyo smiled at Goku and winked at him. Goku blushed, it was true that Gojyo was really as-in totally sexy and hot, but he sure could attract a lot of people. Goku somehow likes Gojyo but he cannot like him more since that was totally beyond his friendship with the redhead. Goku just look at Gojyo as a big brother, his own father-figure, his close friend.
"Well… Gojyo is right Goku… you shouldn't stare up at the sun like that… you could've destroyed you're eyes…" Hakkai smiled at Goku through the side view mirror. Goku was grateful of Hakkai; the brunette was more of a mother-figure than a father. Hakkai is much more sweet and gentle, it makes him more feminine. Women are soft and understanding; when you compare Hakkai with them it really is a great match.
"Papa…" Goku looked at Gojyo "Mama…" his eyes turned to Hakkai. Goku laughed to himself, but then he stopped. What about Sanzo? Goku's golden eyes looked at the monk with curiosity. He thought hard, Sanzo was more like a scary uncle who envies his father. (Author: Goku is right… but it's the opposite… he envies Hakkai more than Gojyo…)
Plus, uncles are somewhat funny and somewhat nice, but there are other sides and other types of uncles where they are evil and discriminated. Goku nodded his head; Sanzo was a perfect fit for an uncle.
"What are you nodding you're head for?" Sanzo looked at the little boy with bored eyes. Goku just smiled at him and shook his head.
"I was just thinking that's all…" Goku was a bit nervous and surprised, usually Sanzo wouldn't care of the things he does or think about. Sanzo sat back in his seat and stared at the road. Gojyo seemed to be sleeping, his eyes were closed and his hair was flowing with the wind, boy does Gojyo look soo hot! He's like a fiery stallion, a free and wild creature, and a beautiful one indeed. Goku shook his head and stopped thinking of Gojyo.
"Just a few more hours and we'll be able to set up camp!" Hakkai cheered in the front, Sanzo groaned, the monk was desperately bored and he intensely needs Gojyo's touch. Goku on the other hand seemed to enjoy himself, he loved to compare his friends and he surely got more attracted towards Gojyo.
Later… when they made camp in the forest…
"What! There's not enough food!" Goku complained to Hakkai.
"Ah… so… um… we all have to split it up Goku… we all have to eat you know…" Hakkai tried to explain but in the end Goku collapsed on the ground and groaned in pain.
"Ah! I'm going to die!" Goku was over reacting, Sanzo didn't give a damn he just sat near the fire and smoked a cig. Gojyo walked towards Goku and kicked him.
"Oi! Stop complaining! When we go to the next town we'll all have a feast!" Gojyo looked at the boy seriously and sat down in front of the fire.
"Eh? Really! Woo! Hoo!" Goku sprung up from the ground and started cheering.
"Well… the food will be cooked in a minute…" Hakkai announced aloud and started to cover the pot he was using over the fire. Goku sat beside Gojyo and watched Hakkai cook their dinner.
"Ah! Hakkai it smells good!" Goku started to sniff the air; Gojyo patted the kid on the head and started to sniff the air.
"Gah! Gojyo! You're taking the good fragrance away!" Goku pinched Gojyo's nose and started to sniff harder. Gojyo laughed and watched the boy flatter himself with Hakkai's good cooking. Sanzo watched them all, he felt a bit annoyed but mostly lonely. He wanted to hear Gojyo's words and he wanted to have Gojyo's attention. Surely every moment when Gojyo laughs he starts to envy the person who gave him such joy. Sanzo turned away his face was in the dark, he was a man who was alone in the world.
"Goku! You get the first serving since you've been a good boy lately!" Hakkai gave Goku his plate of food then he served another and gave Gojyo his plate. Hakkai was about to serve another to give to Sanzo but then the monk stood up and ignored the serving plate.
"Ha? Sanzo aren't you hungry?" Hakkai asked the quiet monk.
"I'm not hungry… excuse me…" Sanzo walked away, he went into the darkness amongst the forest trees. Gojyo watched him, his fiery red eyes pierced the very man's soul, Sanzo was in guilt and he was in loss.
"There's something wrong with Sanzo lately…" Hakkai was concerned of the monk; he was still Sanzo's friend after all.
"Don't mind him Hakkai…" Gojyo said softly but gravely serious. Gojyo was eating slowly the food on his plate, Hakkai watched Gojyo with curiosity.
"Ha? But he's been acting strange… why-" Hakkai was trying to talk but then Gojyo cut him before he could finish.
"I told you don't worry… he's like that because he's just frustrated lately…" Hakkai nodded his head and obeyed Gojyo. Goku listened to the two men, somehow he was concerned of Sanzo, he wanted to help Sanzo. They all ate silently, Sanzo was somewhere in the dark, feeling the great loss he had felt the morning he took a shower.
Deep in the forest, Sanzo stood underneath the beautiful moon and its beautiful stars. The blond man looked up beyond it, trying to find something with his cold and shattered eyes.
This great loss will never stop… what can I do?
How could love help me? Is it that when I'm with Gojyo the only thing that keeps me going is love? How? And why?
Gojyo… I'm sorry… I just don't have the courage to apologize… all this time…
I thought I could not possibly feel anything…
But when I met you… something had woken up inside me…
I thought that it was just a raging lust because my body would react whenever I see you…
But the pain and the agony… how could that explain through lust?
How could I heal my burdened feelings?
Whenever I'm with you this feeling inside me grows deep and painful…
I never wanted you to leave me…
I never wanted to be so cold to you…
I can't control it! I am what I am!
When I'm with Gojyo…
I wonder if I was meant to be with you… I would wonder if Gojyo would be happy…
I was afraid to lose you Gojyo… that's why I always cared for you're feelings first before mine… that is why I try so hard to please you…
Gojyo… I… I love you…
I LOVE YOU…
My heart is heavy and ready to break… I f only you say to me that you hated me… I will leave you alone… but if you say that you love me and you'll be there for me… I will love you forever and be with you until the end of my time…
(The first time we made love…)
They were both drunk and it was late at night…
Gojyo opened the door to Sanzo's room, he was carrying Sanzo, obviously they had a glorious fight that day. They didn't actually plan to drink together it was just a coincidence. Sanzo was at the bar earlier than Gojyo and when the monk was half drunk Gojyo appeared. The redhead wanted to drink also, Sanzo didn't mind since he couldn't do anything clearly.
"Gojyo…" Sanzo's breath smelt of the heavy drinks he had, Gojyo smiled slyly at the monk and lay him down on the bed.
"Well… time for the monk to go sleepy weepy…" Gojyo was talking to him like he was a child. Gojyo was about to walk away but then the monk caught his hand; Sanzo snickered and brought the redhead down on the bed. Gojyo lay down beside him, but then Sanzo went on top of the redhead.
"I have to go… Hakkai might wander around in his sleep… looking for his best pal…" Gojyo started to push Sanzo away but the monk was strong. He pinned Gojyo's body on the bed, Sanzo was serious. His eyes darker than ever, Gojyo gasped when he wasn't able to move. Sanzo used one of his hands to grab hold of Gojyo' own and pin it up above his head.
"Gojyo… you… are… so… hot…" Sanzo said it in a slow emphasis, Gojyo blushed he couldn't say anything for a moment. He was speechless, Sanzo felt something towards Gojyo. It must be such a formidable thing to feel since they were both men.
"Come on now… you're drunk and you need some rest…" Gojyo tried to push him away but it was impossible, his body was in the mercy of Sanzo's hands. Sanzo slowly bent down and gave Gojyo a soft kiss.
"Sanzo…" Gojyo was in unbelievable shock but most of all he was feeling something deep towards this beautiful blond man.
"Gojyo… tonight… just for tonight… love me…" Sanzo whispered in his ear, his hot breath hit Gojyo's skin sexily. Again Sanzo lowered down, but now he was devouring Gojyo's neck. His tongue slithered, biting and kissing, Gojyo moaned aloud.
"Yes… for tonight…" Sanzo let go of Gojyo's hands and in an instant the redhead's hands were holding unto Sanzo's shoulders. Sanzo loosen the weight of his body and felt Gojyo squirm underneath him. Their bodies touched each other, moved with each other, and most of all they were connected to each other. It was Gojyo's first time being fucked by a man and the only man he had ever fucked was Sanzo. It was glorifying for Sanzo since Gojyo was like a virgin, his entering was tight but moisty, Sanzo moaned when Gojyo tightened his muscles. Making Sanzo feel more pleasure than ever, Sanzo never regretted that day since months passed by and somehow feelings started to grow deep.
(Back to present… Sanzo mourned for his loss…)
He stood there like a tree, his was immovable and silent. Sanzo stared up the starlit sky with painful eyes. He now figured out how much a loss he had made since his beloved Gojyo went away and loved Hakkai instead of him. If only he convinced the monk that he didn't love him. If only Sanzo hadn't fallen in love, this wouldn't have happened.
Just say that you hate me Gojyo and I will leave you alone…
But if you say that you love me then I will happily accept and love you more…
"Gojyo… Just say it… say that you hate me… I'll understand completely… no matter what… I'll try to leave you alone… but I will always love you…" Sanzo was desperate, his feelings were burdening him, and his living life is making him more miserable.
Ever since that night I turned you're love away. I have always regretted it… but I regret the most is losing you… that time the next morning after that night, I wanted to apologize but I didn't have the courage to do it… You were always happy when Hakkai was there… You were always happy when Goku argued…
But since that night where I rejected you're love… you never said 'I love you' anymore… I always wondered if you were hurt by my mistake…every time I try to talk to you about my feelings it seems that you never wanted to hear about it… you shut yourself from me like I had shut you from mine…Is this all my fault?
Had I made you cold and emotionless because of my own stupid mistakes?
I'm sorry about it all… I'm sorry that I rejected you… all you think of me is a lustful man who wants to fill his urges by making you into his sex slave…I was like that because I was blind… I was like that because I was mad at you and at myself…
I love you Gojyo… I love every bit of you… I love it when you moan… I love it when you call out to me… I love it when you say I love you…
But all this has shattered because of my idiotic stubbornness and cruel mistakes…
I have broken the fiery spirit of my loving Gojyo …
I have toyed and tortured my loving Gojyo…
I'm sorry…