A/N: all right. I don't know what I am doing. I want to finish this and then write a sequel to it with Carlos and Kendall BUT Kendall keeps coming to me when I'm writing and tells me he wants James... so i really REALLY do not know. I hope you like it though... and well.. reviews would be appreciated.. and if I may ask, shall it be above comments like "omg"? haha ok well.. whatever.. do what you want and I'll do what I want as well.. enjoy reading!
fingers crossed for Logan :)
and apologies for any mistakes you may find!
p.s. sorry if the ending is suck-ish!
Chapter 11
Not like he wasn't happy for the news about Logan, but Kendall felt quite frustrated that once in his life he had a date planned with a decent guy and then it got all cancelled. But then he knew it was better this way. Kendall didn't want to be with James that way, unless he wanted it truly too. And since it was not going to happen, Kendall accepted that everything happens for a reason, for the best.
His stomach was in tight knot though. James was at lack of words during the entire flight. He would just stare in front of himself and think. Kendall knew that he was thinking about ways to explain everything to him, and to Logan, and to the whole world. It must have been hard, Kendall didn't doubt it, so he left him alone with his thoughts.
Logan's condition is changing for good. The sentence echoed in James' mind the whole time of the flight and then during the cab ride to the hospital too. Why didn't you come to me, Logan? You gave up on yourself when everything is turning to the right direction, why? Then his thoughts led him to a pretty insane explanation. I imagined the whole thing? Have I gone crazy because of the trauma, or was it real? Was it really you? Or was my mind playing with me, along with my heart? I felt you. "It's so confusing." He groaned not noticing that he said that out loud.
Kendall eyed him for a word, but James didn't know what the reason of the intense gaze was. So it left the situation unexplained to Kendall.
When they pulled off at the parking lot of the hospital, it took all effort he had for James to drag himself up to Logan. He wanted to run, but he wasn't able to do so. He didn't know what to expect. The doctor in the phone told him that this change may not be constant. Logan could easily take two steps backwards in the healing process, just as quick as he had managed to take one forward.
Without a word to anyone, James walked in to Logan's room. He was still on a few of the machines, but he didn't look so pale now. Taking Logan's hand into his, James had to hold back a sob. "What's become better, love? Are you feeling better? Logan, where are you in this body? I want to talk to you. I want you to feel me. I miss you." His tears fell by the time he finished. Most of them landed on the back of Logan's hand.
I feel them. I feel you.
"Logan?" James looked around, but saw nothing, but the boring hospital room. "Where are you? Come here. I wanna see you."
I can't. His voice was desperate, James heard it. I don't know what's going on. I'm afraid I'll lose it. I miss you, too.
"No. Logan! Stay!" James said trying to be not too loud. "They say you're getting better. Maybe your body connects your soul now, or I don't know, but it may be a good sign that you can't interact me so easily. Just don't give up."
I won't. Promise.
"All right. I love you, Logan." Kissing his head and smashing the tears away, James said. "Just stick around."
I love you, too. James heard the quiet whisper as he eyed an unmoving Logan. It was too strange hearing his voice but not seeing his eyes open or his mouth moving.
Sinking into a chair next to his bed, James refused to let go of Logan's hand. "You feel it. I know you do, Logan. Stay with me, now. Don't give up just yet. Fight. Fight for us. I'm going through hell without you. It's so hard. I'm so confused about what to do. With my life, with Kendall, with you, with everything, Logan. Please." He then kissed his lovers hand several times.
It wasn't till a quiet sob escaped his mouth, that James noticed that Kendall was standing in the door. "I'm sorry to interrupt." He said when James turned to look at him.
James didn't care since when Kendall was watching him. He didn't care that he saw him crying. He only wanted Logan to wake up finally. "It's okay." He said, his eyes immediately back at Logan again.
"I talked to the doc." Kendall took a step inside the room.
"You may come in." James told him without drawing his eyes away from Logan.
When Kendall closed the door and they were shut from the people outside, James asked. "What did he say?"
"That his condition is better hour by hour. They have made tests the whole day and all seems to be very promising. He's not giving up on you." Kendall's hand landed on James' shoulder.
James nodded putting another kiss onto Logan's hand. "I told him not to. So do they think I made the right decision?"
"Yes. Definitely."
"That's good to know." James hummed.
"I'll leave you alone now." Kendall couldn't bear staying at a hospital for too long. It was stressing and Kendall hated stress. And of course he understood that James would prefer being alone with Logan. "I'm only a call away if you need anything."
For a moment James was silent, but when his brain registered what Kendall just said, he looked up at his friend and said, "Thank you."
Kendall nodded and started for the door.
The sunshine woke him, just like on a usual day. James softly groaned sitting up in his uncomfortable seat where he had spent the previous night. He hadn't left Logan's side. In fact he regretted it a million times that he hadn't been around the past weeks. Over-thinking. Nothing was what I could do. As his senses awoke with his body, James knew that with going on with his life he hadn't done a thing wrong. All that mattered was that he now was there.
Rising from the chair, he kissed Logan's cheek. It felt just as delicious as it would ever. Then decided to walk up to the windows, only to stretch his tired muscles and take a look at the wakening city below.
For a while he admired the view, yawned here and there, and enjoyed the warm rays of the beloved sun.
When he turned around to wander back to Logan's bed he nearly jumped from surprise.
He found himself facing Logan's spirit. "You scared me to hell, gosh." He smiled though. It was good seeing him again. It gave James some kind of comfort, even if it was bizarre. "What's wrong?" Logan's facial expression told James that something wasn't exactly right.
Logan's weak vision made a shrug of shoulders. I'm sorry.
"Why?" Logan turned towards his body, with that James did so, too. "You seem to be okay."
No. If I'm here again. No. James, it's not okay.
In that exact moment Dave, Logan's doctor rushed in to the room, nearly ripping the door off of its frame. "Hey, hey what is it?"
"I hoped I'd find you here." The doctor said.
James could still see Logan's soul, but managed to cut staring at him for an instant to talk to Dave, and hoped that meanwhile Logan would not disappear again. "Why? Is something wrong with Logan?"
"I'm afraid, yes."
"No." Realization hit James. Of course. When you were here you weren't doing well. If you're here again it means ... no ... With his desperately tearful eyes he glanced at Logan. "No." He shook his head talking to his boyfriend.
"Unfortunately yes." The doctor went on believing that James was talking to him rather than Logan. "As I guessed, this good change didn't last long. I'm sorry. Yesterday's last tests show that his brain activity is lower again."
"No. No. No. Do another test. Do another!" James shouted not even fighting with tears. He let them flow.
Dave approached James to a still safe distance. "I will do. But it's not promising. "
"You said the exact same thing weeks ago and here he is. He was better yesterday! He can make it again. He can make it through." You can make it through. He mouthed to Logan's see-through apparition.
The doctor shifted on his feet. "Look, James. We try everything, but the real solution would be an operation."
"No. I'm not agreeing to it." Afraid of Logan dying on the operation table, James wouldn't ever sign those papers. "No. I'm not letting you cut him. No."
"Then all we can do is wait."
"I will wait. For him, I'd wait forever." Hurrying to Logan's bed, James rushed past Dave and took Logan's head. He kissed his cheek, squeezed his hands and carefully looked at his spirit standing at the other side of the bed. Logan knew what he was trying, so he shook his head in response, and said, I don't feel you. James cried softly, burried his face into the bed above Logan's apparently lifeless shoulder and whispered, "I will wait forever."
From the way he walked in, James knew it had to be Kendall coming. So he turned and smiled weakly, but didn't make a sound.
"I heard the news." Putting a bag onto the end of Logan's bed, Kendall said. "I'm sorry."
But James refused to answer. He wouldn't move away from Logan, or even stop looking at him. "I've brought you a change of clothes, and food, and drinks. Stuff you may need. And asked the nurses, you're free to use the shower in here." He pointed to a door that had the separated bathroom behind it.
"Thanks." James managed to say. "Will you watch him while I'm changing?"
"Of course." Hesitation had no place, Kendall knew it. It was the least he could do for James and for Logan. Once when James was out and he could hear the water running, Kendall felt the need to speak to Logan. "Oh, well, Logan." He felt uncomfortable talking to someone that didn't have a way to answer, or show any sign that he understood what was told, but anyway Kendall didn't let this weird feeling take him over. "You know I really like this boyfriend of yours. And it kills me to see him so devastated. You need to wake up. I don't think anyone will make him feel alive again. It's only your magic, you know? They say I have some of that, too, but it doesn't seem to work with him. He loves you to the moon and back and won't give up on you, so you better fight and come back to life, you hear me?"
He did. He did hear Kendall pleading, but what could he do? Whatever he tried, it just didn't work.
"I don't know what to do with him." After a few moments of pause which didn't seem as long as it took in fact, Kendall sighed and went on, hoping to say the right things. "I could keep him busy with more work. I already have got some new jobs. Everyone wants your boyfriend, you know? He did very good job with that company. You'd be very proud of him. His career would take off now. But I'm afraid of making him go, because he wants to be here with you. He's restrained to you. He won't give up on you. I wish someone would do all of this for me, too. But well, it's not about me." Quietly he dared a laugh escape his throat.
James stepped out of the bathroom. His hair wet from the shower, fresh clothes on him. "What are you doing?"
Nervously, Kendall glanced to and fro at James and Logan."Just ... I don't know."
Although Kendall couldn't explain what he was doing, James witnessed it all, and his words put a smile onto his face. "You said some nice things." He made it to the bed with three huge steps.
Kendall shrugged in embarrassment. "You heard?"
"Most of it. I'm quick with a shower."
"Oh."
"Thanks."
Stepping forward, Kendall pulled his hands out of his pockets. He didn't realize he tucked them away. "James, you keep thanking me when I do absolutely nothing."
That made James laugh. "I wouldn't say that it is nothing."
"Okay then. Uhm," Backing some more from the bed, Kendall sighed acknowledging that he wouldn't understand James point of view anyways. "I gotta go."
"See you later."
"Yeah. See you." With a wave, Kendall left the room.
Two more weeks had come and quickly gone, and nothing had changed. But James was determined on keeping Logan company. And so was Kendall on keeping James company and making sure that he ate and slept enough while looking after Logan.
Both were beyond exhausted, and yet for some strange reason the situation had pulled them closer to each other. Kendall tried to fight against his fear about hospitals, only to spend more time around James. He knew that he must have been lonely sitting with Logan all the time, but now he refused to move away from him. Every single day when Kendall asked James how Logan was doing, James only said "he'll be fine now, soon." He truly believed in it, even though Logan was nowhere to be seen, and yet the tests showed that his condition hadn't changed for the better, not at all.
One time as they sat on each side of Logan's bed and James just finished telling Kendall a story from years ago when he was only friends with Logan yet, Kendall decided to ask something that he was curious about for a long time now. "Why did you fall in love with him?"
A little laugh coming from James filled the pretty hospital room as he started. "He's always been so good to me like no one has ever. He is everything I ever need, you know? He can be a friend, a brother, a parent even, a parent that I never had, and a lover too. He's always there to comfort me when I'm sad. He's always happy for my success. I could never forget how much he's done. I've known him for so long and I have not had a real chance yet to thank him for everything. He's given up on so many things, for me. I feel like he would give up even more, if it comes to my happiness, he's so stubborn." The words came fast and without a second thought. If there was one thing, then the love he felt for Logan, was the one and only he was always sure about.
"Are you afraid of him giving up his life for you?" Kendall couldn't help but ask. It was obvious that the thought was going around in James' head too, and Kendall wanted to know exactly how he felt about it.
A long pause came then. James stared forward blindly as memories took over him. His head ached along with his heart as he remembered of all the great things they had been through together. All the happy moments, all the fights, all the make ups, everything. As the emotions quickly built a strong wall of tears in front of his eyes, James answered, "I am. I don't know what I'll do without him. Happy, I won't be. I don't think so. Not ever again. It won't be the same happiness. With him a part of me would die too."
"Happiness can be different. It depends on the person and the actual thing that makes you happy. It's okay if you won't be that happy. You'll be happy in a different way." Not even knowing what he said, Kendall let the words flow.
"You think?" James raised an eyebrow at him.
Shrugging, Kendall was thinking of a further explanation. "I do." He spoke. "My mother died shortly after I finished eight grade. My father was ... literally scaring to look at. He was wasted almost every day. He didn't know how to move on. He was confused and so was I. I didn't know if I could make anything better for him. I thought he wasn't going to be happy again." James watched as Kendall for a moment fell into silence, he knew he was flooded with memories. "But one day when I did something stupid at school he had to go in. He was furious with me for not behaving well and for wasting his precious time. He was finishing his doctoral at that year. So when he went in and talked to my teacher he found out that it wasn't only him whose world had fallen apart with my mom's death. I was there, too. My teacher, she is an amazing woman. Dad spent a lot of time with her, because he knew that I had a good relationship with her as well and this way he got a chance to know things about how I felt that I never told him. Somehow she helped through that rough period. He found another kind of happiness with her. They are married, expecting their first child, happy. And I'm happy for them. I'd be happy if mom was here." His voice cracked, but he kept going, "but I wasn't the person I am if she was with us."
James hesitated, not sure what to say, wondering if he should say something at all. "I see." He murmured quietly, completely at loss of words. "I really don't know, Kendall. I understand it, I really do. But for now I can't think that forward. You may be right. There's one way to find out." His face already had dried from tears but he was about to cry again. "But I don't want that to happen. He deserves to live. He ... he's saved me and so many other lives. He must live." By the time he finished he lost it again, but to cover it up he pushed his palms against his face and sobbed quietly.
Kendall's heart clenched too as he watched his friend. He wouldn't give up on Logan, but Logan didn't seem to take notice of it. Even though Kendall knew it was out of his will, he didn't like this Logan for upsetting James so much. "He'll make it through." He said, however he quite doubted his own words. He hoped Logan would heal, but the chances now were so thin. He knew something that James did not. Logan had been on and off on the road of getting better. Dave, Logan's doctor decided he wouldn't tell it to James to get his hopes up and then have to watch him fall apart again when Logan's condition would turn to the worse again. But Kendall knew about it. And he was fully aware that once the road to recovery is so complicated it's real hard, for the patient and for the family too.
But what could Kendall possibly do? Talk James into the operation and risk losing Logan because of him? James would hate him then. Kendall couldn't bear with such thought. Until there wasn't a real sign of Logan getting better or absolutely losing it, he wouldn't give suggestions.
So all Kendall did was leaning across the bed that parted the two friends and pressed a swift kiss onto James' cheek. But when he was about to pull away he was pulled closer and met with a pair of lips.
First his mind didn't recognize the sudden action, but once it did, Kendall returned the kiss. While he did, he felt something, something strange beneath him. He instantly backed off from James and while James believed that the frightened expression on Kendall's face was because of the stolen kiss, Kendall eyed Logan suspiciously. "Logan."
"What? What's with him?" James jumped up from his chair, and trembled with anticipation during the half second that it took for Kendall to answer.
"He moved. I definitely felt it."