Chapter 11

As tired as she looked, Faith didn't want to sleep, and Xander could definitely understand that. it was morning by now anyway, and with her back with him now and the sun streaming in his blinds, he wasn't about to attempt sleep either.

This was something that couldn't continue for much longer, he knew. Sure, today was Sunday, and the others would give him slack at the Slayer in training headquarters, his current and probably final workplace, if he called in sick or was too distracted and sleepy to be useful tomorrow. A lot of slack had been given all around since Buffy's death. But he couldn't' function for long on such small and interrupted amounts of sleep, and he was going to have to nap for a while at some point today if at all possible. So far he was still running off of adrenaline and emotional energy pretty well, but Xander doubted that this would last for much longer.

Faith too, he was sure, needed sleep, a truly restful sleep uninterrupted by visions or dreams. He wondered if there was any substance she could take, or any magic that could be worked that would allow her such a thing, or that would at least mute the intensity of her nightmares. But he was skeptical… for one thing, if her dreams were Slayer dreams, messages sent by either Buffy herself or the Powers that Be, then it made sense to him that nothing would block them, that they would continue to be sent because they were needed and meant to be sent. And as much as they were hurting Faith, as much as Xander hated that she had to suffer them, if they were a message of great urgency, then they probably did need to continue… she needed to experience them until they could figure them out and do what was needed.

But if Faith didn't want to sleep, Xander certainly wasn't about to try to make her. He had instead, after leading her inside, kept hold of her hand for several moments, thinking to himself somewhat absently how small and cool it was in his despite its strength, and waited for her to lead the way.

She had pulled her hand away eventually, not nearly as soon as he would have thought, and paced the room once before sinking back to the couch, occupying the position so familiar to them both by now. Leaning back into it, she had let her body sag against it, relaxing, and Xander wondered watching her what she was thinking, what she had been doing that led up to her return to his door.

He gave her a glass of water, offered food, and she drank, ate a package of Pop-Tarts without speaking, without seeming overly aware of what she was consuming. When Xander decided to sit by her, Faith eyed him, but didn't move away, didn't stiffen in her posture. This, paired with how long she had allowed him to hold her hand earlier, made Xander think that Faith didn't mind his proximity…maybe she even wanted it.

When she had finished eating Xander continued to sit near, hoping he wasn't crowding her, and attempted to start a harmless, small talk sort of conversation, knowing that his effort was clumsy and obvious. Faith was having none of it; she barely responded before turning to directly face him, cutting to the chase.

"I know you're wanting to ask why I jumped out your window and what I've been doing and all that crap. Don't want to go there, not now, alright?"

"Okay," Xander replied, startled by her abrupt directness, but nonetheless somewhat relieved to be able to stop tiptoeing around what she'd just threw out before them. "Okay, that's okay."

"And if the next thing on your mind is if I'm still gonna tell Giles…well, yeah, I'll get to it, I know I've got to," Faith plowed ahead, and as gruff as her tone was, Xander could see the reluctance, the faint hints of dread, that showed themselves in her features. "Just, not now, okay?"

"Okay," Xander repeated, nodding slightly, and once more a silence stretched between them. Faith exhaled, shifting her weight, and leaned her head back against the couch so that she was staring up at the ceiling. Xander hesitated, then took another chance, leaning towards her a little.

"Faith? I'm glad you came back."

Faith lifted her head slightly, looking over at him, and shrugged, her voice carefully neutral. "Yeah, well, it's just for a day or two, so don't get too excited over possible shower sightings or whatever."

"I'll try to contain myself," Xander smiled, though it entered his mind as he looked at her that Faith had no other clothes on her other than those she was currently wearing, which were badly in need of washing. She would have to borrow clothes from him, maybe sweats or something- a thought that made Xander's' heart suddenly speed up its beats. It didn't occur to them that she could simply go retrieve her things from her motel room.

Silence resumed itself between them, and Faith took up her loose, sprawled position as usual, her face facing forward, rather than towards Xander at her side. He thought there was some tension to her limbs though now, and it didn't surprise him when she spoke up a few minutes later, her voice stiff.

"Guess they won't be disappointed, huh?"

"What?" he asked, turning to face her, confused. Faith shrugged, not clarifying much more.

"Guess they got what they always thought. Always nice to see that you were right."

"Faith…who's they?" Xander questioned, frowning, and she shrugged, rolling her eyes, as if it were obvious. Even with the sarcastic gesture, however, it was clear from the tension in her jaw that she was bothered by her own words.

"You know, jeez. THEM."

Even though her insistent vagueness spelled out nothing, Xander knew now what she was referring to…Giles, Willow, Dawn… as Faith had referred to them as, THEM. She was convinced that they would judge her in some way, or even get some sort of satisfaction from her current situation…which Xander knew, of course, was not the truth. They might have forgotten her, but they wouldn't smirk or sneer over what she'd been through- not now, not at this stage of their lives. If anything they'd be guilty, concerned, as he was. Didn't Faith know that by now- was she really so stuck in the past, or had her present simply reverted her to it?

"No- no, they wouldn't," he contradicted, shaking his head, meeting her eyes. "Why would you even think that, Faith?"

"Because. It's just the way things are. People like to be right," Faith shrugged, her eyes shifting briefly before she continued, her voice still controlled, but with a growing edge to it. "People like to know what to expect, and Faith the fuck up, Faith who flees, fits right into it."

"NO," Xander insisted, shaking his head, his face earnest, eye locked on Faith's in an attempt to hold her gaze. "No, they don't. Things have changed, Faith, that's not the way things are."

"They don't change that much, Xander," she muttered, and Xander put his hand on her arm firmly, causing he to look over at him quickly, her eyes narrowing.

"It's not true, Faith," he repeated more firmly. "It's not."

He paused, then squeezed her arm, gently but firmly, caringly. When Faith didn't move away, didn't say anything, Xander continued slowly, his voice hesitant but sincere.

"Faith? I'm sorry I didn't come sooner."

Her eyebrows knitted slightly, and she shook her head, shaking off the apology in one quick gesture, her eyes averting.

"Don't be, it's not your job to babysit me. Didn't want you chasing me down anyway."

"Maybe not," Xander acknowledged, his voice quiet. "But it should have been done."

He could tell that made Faith uncomfortable. She shifted her weight, an odd look flickering across her eyes before she quickly changed the subject, her voice a little louder than before.

"So, G-Man's in the dark about the Fucked up Files of Faith, or did you give an exclusive when I took off after all?"

Xander knew that Faith knew very well he hadn't revealed more than she was comfortable with to Giles, since he had made sure to tell her that. Still, maybe she needed extra assurance, or simply needed to change the subject as fast as possible. So he obliged her in answering her question.

"No, I didn't tell him anything he didn't already know, Faith. That's up to you. I'll call him whenever you're ready, and you can tell him yourself, whatever you think he needs to know. Okay?"

Faith shrugged, as if it didn't really matter one way or another to her, even though it mattered considerably and they were both aware of this. Xander didn't point this out, letting her have her pretense, flimsy as it might be, if it made her feel better.

"I'm not the only one, you know," she muttered suddenly several moments later, and Xander glanced at her, hearing the defensiveness creeping back into her tone.

"What do you mean? The only one with what?"

"The only screw up," she clarified, her voice only slightly louder, her eyes cutting to his and holding them with some hardness to their surface. "I mean, not trying to let myself off the hook or nothing here. I know the shit I've done, believe me, and I know I'm the worst of everyone. But it's not just me, all the rest of you, you've got your own shit. I'm not the only one."

Xander was a little surprised she didn't start naming names and specifics, but grateful. It wasn't needed. Both of them knew the facts of the past… and she was right. Every one of them had had their times, and it was hardly accurate or fair to act as if this weren't true. And this was something they'd never really acknowledged before, at least, not in front of Faith…

"We know," Xander told her, and he kept his hand lightly on her arm, kept his eye on her face. "And no one thinks that. None of us are perfect, Faith. We know that… might not say it much, but we know. I mean, look who's talking, was anyone ever under the impression that Xander Harris never screws up?"

His tone was joking, but Faith's serious look didn't waver, and she was even scowling faintly as though in deep thought before she spoke again.

"Except B…if you listen to everyone talk, even before all this, before…it…Buffy Summers was the only perfect being to ever walk this planet."

Xander blinked, surprised by the sudden roughness of Faith's tone, the bitter edge to her words. He turned towards her more fully, his brow creasing in confusion as he focused on her.

"Uh…what?"

"Yeah," Faith said, nodding slightly as if he had agreed with her, and continuing, her voice growing faster and more intense as she went on, her features tightening. "I mean come on, think about it. The woman lies to us, uses us, thinks everything she does is the right way, the only way, and if you're not doing it her way you're wrong or bad or evil or a fuck-up or whatever. She can do the exact same thing you did but if she does it, it's okay, she had a good reason or something so it's all five by five for HER, but if anyone else does the same thing, bam, they're WRONG. And we all just let her. Do you realize that, we just let her? We bow down, let her do whatever, because she's Buffy, so she must be right! All hail Saint Buffy- yeah, right! How the hell did this happen?!"

Xander was stricken. Looking at Faith's taut expression, her face flooded with growing anger, seeing her hands form fists at her sides, hearing the rage building in her voice, he could barely comprehend the sudden change. The woman had spent weeks in a state of suicidal despair because of Buffy's death, and her grief for her, among other factors…and now she seemed to strongly resent Buffy, maybe even to hate her, to feel the same way she had back in Sunnydale, back in high school. And it didn't escape his notice that Faith was speaking about Buffy in the present tense, not the past…as if she were still alive, still doing those things Faith accused her of. Xander had no idea what had caused this sudden extreme switchover, but he was stuck in a definite 'huh' state as a result.

"Uh, huh?" he said frankly, and Faith rounded on him, not slowing down in the slightest.

"It's true, you know damn well it is! She lead you on for years, Xander, you know that- she lead everyone on! She lets on like you might mean something to her- lets on like she cares, like anything you say or do matters to her, and then what does she do? She shuts you out, she flips you off and goes and does it her own way because that's all she ever intended to do in the first place! God, she's so damn self-righteous!" Faith nearly yelled, and Xander cautiously spoke up, watching her carefully in case she struck out at him.

"Uh…Faith? Faith-"

"I mean, how the hell can you be so damn arrogant?" Faith interrupted, not seeming to have heard him. In fact, though she was looking directly at Xander, her eyes wide and vivid with feeling, she seemed mostly unaware that he was there. "The girl dies twice, TWICE, and she thinks that means she's totally invincible, she thinks that means she'll never die for good. Oh no, not her, not the great Buffy Summers, she doesn't' even need back-up! She can take on anything and come out alive, and if not, well, it's just temporary, some sap will bring her back again. Bullshit! What, she thought she could go out alone, she thought she could take on that seven foot THING without back up, without anyone, without even TELLING anyone?! And then she's gonna blame it on me. She didn't even tell me, how could I have saved her, how could I have known, I didn't even know! She didn't call me…if she'd have called me, I would have gone, it would have been okay…"

Her voice began to taper off then, the rage in her tone, her posture and face, fading, softening with guilt, with sadness, with a sudden bittersweetness that made Xander keep his hand on her arm, licking his lips unconsciously. He knew then the main crux of her anger and hurt at Buffy amidst her grief and guilt…Buffy could have helped her save her, but she hadn't called. Buffy hadn't asked her to come too.

"I could have saved her," Faith said, her voice much softer, more subdued now, and she stared past Xander, her shoulders falling forward. "But she didn't let me…she didn't call."

Xander didn't know what to say. It felt as if he could form no words at all, and so he said nothing, simply keeping his hand on Faith's arm. She spoke again, a few moments later, her voice smaller, softer, and younger in sound.

"I miss her."

Xander swallowed hard, feeling his sadness- for her, for him, for Buffy, for everything- rise up to choke him, and impulsively he took Faith's hand in his. To his surprise, Faith squeezed it hard, her lids lowering, lips thinning as she swallowed. Encouraged by her response, Xander held her hand for a few moments before slowly moving to put his arm around her shoulders, holding her gently to his side. Again she surprised him by accepting it, responding, even pressing herself more snugly against his torso and hip. He held her, wondering if he should kiss her head or forehead…

And then she thoroughly stunned him by lifting her chin, raising up from him slightly, and covering his lips with her own, kissing him with sudden firmness.