1Holy crap, this fic has so many more reviews than my others! I guess the plots better or something? (No...no it isn't...) IT'S THE SQUIRREL, ISN'T IT, YOU SQUIRREL WHORES!
Disclaimer: I don't even have time to be writing this for you. But I'm a lazy ass an' I don't wanna do my homework.
Chapter 11:Squirrel's Climax (Not literally...that's kind of...gross, don't you think?)
Timetable: The Day Gaara Comes. But keep in mind, that means about seven days before the gang has to head back because Gaara's not visiting Naruto until the second week.
The squirrel had plotted. The squirrel had planned. And now, it was ready, ready to execute its plan.
Sasuke had plotted (awhile ago.) Sasuke had planned (about the same time that he had plotted.) And another part of his plan was about to commence, because over the last few days he had worked on getting closer and closer to INO without ANYONE THERE.
"Ino, do we seriously have to eat this?" Shikamaru complained. Honestly, he liked ramen as much as the next guy, but every day and every meal was taking it too far.
"Yes, Shikamaru, you do," Ino countered, "If Arashi-kun has to eat ramen all the time to get in character, it's not fair for the rest of us to eat people food."
"You gonna eat that, then?" Chouji asked and pulled the bowl from Shikamaru's place before the other could answer. Shikamaru glared at his best friend and stalked to the kitchen to pour himself a bowl of cereal.
Arashi sat at his place at the table and voraciously forced bite after bite of ramen down his throat. Barbeque, barbeque, barbeque ramen!
Kiba cringed. Akamaru whined. Their sensitive noses were making them sick. At the same time, they decided that they needed to wait outside for dinner to end. (A few hours later, they were discovered by Lee to be eating Akamaru's dog food.)
Konohamaru cringed and whenever no one was looking, poured the broth onto a potted plant. (Soon, the plant would wilt just like everyone else from sodium overload.)
Sakura had flatly refused to come down.
Hinata politely picked at the bowl in front of her. Neji disdainfully held a noodle at a time and placed it in his mouth, only reaching for another with his chopsticks when the taste had completely faded from his mouth.
Lee, seeing his one chance to beat his rival, wolfed down the ramen again and again, determined that he would be the champion ramen-eater. (He, however, had Chouji to contend with.)
Shino had declined from eating ramen, claiming in his silent tongue that the salt was detrimental to the health of his chakra insects.
Sasuke had eaten the fastest of anyone, pouring three bowls down his throat like they were the best noodles he had ever eaten. Ino had asked him to take a plate of re-heated beef and vegetables up to Kakashi so she could finish cleaning up the mess Chouji had made earlier when he was foraging for a snack.
Currently, he was shoving morsels down his unconscious sensei's throat. (He had remorselessly jabbed a pressure point with the chopsticks to knock Kakashi out.)
Ino finished cleaning and sat down at the table. The yellow broth shimmered unappealingly at her. She looked around the table at who was left and noticed that those who were weren't even eating because they liked it (barring Chouji.)
She smouldered with anger. "You could at least eat with a little more enthusiasm, you know," She threatened Neji.
He turned pearl white eyes to her and simply looked. It was demeaning in the extreme, that he didn't even respond. Ino's eyes watered and her heart rate increased as did her anger at the conditions not her fault.
With determination, Ino seized her bowl with one hand and Neji's mouth with her other, successfully pouring barbeque ramen down the poor boy's throat.
"Gr–graaughuurgle," Neji gurgled as the ramen siphoned down his throat.
"Take that, bastard!" Ino cheered maniacally.
The others at the table paused in their eating, mildly shocked that a muscle-less girl could restrain the number-one rookie with one hand and manage to force him to down a bowl of ramen without spilling any.
In concert, the remaining occupants of the table edged away, ramen in hand, and left to dispose of their meals by way of eating.
Sasuke finishing piling the last bit of food into Kakashi's mouth. It hadn't taken long for his throat to be stopped up, and it had been difficult to transfer all the nourishment from the plate to Kakashi's mouth (notably, not his stomach.) However, Sasuke was an avenger, and he had managed to do it.
He carried the dishes down the hall at a sedate pace, his curiosity piqued when Chouji, Arashi, Konohamaru, Lee and Hinata filed into their rooms, quietly holding ramen in various stages of consumption.
Sasuke traversed the stairs and the living room, stopping only when he entered the doorway to the dining room. There, he was immensely amused at the sight of an inert Neji being drowned in broth at the hands of Ino.
His future wife was strong of character indeed.
-
In his room, Arashi continued to respectfully shovel ramen down his esophagus.
Not out of respect to his friend Ino.
Out of respect to the ramen.
When he looked at the mirror above his desk, all he saw was Naruto. Naruto with the cheeky marking, Naruto of the orange jumpsuit.
For the past three days he had been Naruto again.
But only a fake Naruto.
And even a fake Naruto paid his respects to ramen.
Naruto had grown up on the stuff. It was all he had managed to make by himself, at first.
When he had gotten older, it was all he could afford.
Naruto had been too young to apply for unemployment, so instead he had received a small portion of the money the village orphanage accepted once a month. Not much by any standards.
Naruto didn't particularly like ramen. It didn't grow on a person like other foods could. It wasn't particularly filling, either. It was, no matter the flavor, exceedingly salty.
He didn't really think it went all that well with milk, too, a beverage he felt obligated as a shinobi and a happy person to drink. 1
But Naruto felt obligated to treat ramen well. Ramen deserved his respect.
For being cheap, and easy to fix, if not especially nutritious.
For being easily found in any grocer or convenience store in Konoha, so that it was easier for him to find a place that would even offer him service.
When all the noodles were gone, Naruto threw his head back and gulped down every last drop.
-
Konohamaru sat thoughtfully in his room, looking at the closed door. Across the hall was his teammate, probably still eating ramen.
It had occurred to him many times, that maybe he shouldn't be so tolerant of Arashi impersonating his boss, his rival.
So many, many times he thought about it, yet time and time again he found that he had no qualms over the subject. It disturbed him that his gut remained peaceful.
Seriously, his gut should be churning after all the ramen he had been eating lately. Maybe he had a sodium disorder or something, he really should get that checked out...
Konohamaru mulled over the possibilities for his lack of reaction, excuses for why if ever he should be faced with a situation (such as a confrontation from Naruto himself) where he required an explanation.
Maybe, deep down, he thought that Naruto had died a long time ago. Maybe he had never been there. So he thought that Naruto was better off wherever he was now. It had to be better than the Konohagakure slums he used to inhabit.
Maybe he had never cared about Naruto in the first place. Perhaps his childish ideals and frustration with Ebisu had simply given him an excuse to pretend.
Bullshit. No one would believe it. Even if they did, Naruto would never find those excuses satisfactory. Not after all he had been through at the hands (or lack thereof) of the villagers, and Konohamaru would end up with a royal ass-kicking.
If worst came to worst, he would claim that it was for Konoha. It was for the best, that he covered up his nonexistent discontent with Arashi. Arashi was his teammate, dammit, and Konohamaru couldn't let personal emotions interfere with the bettering of his skills.
Maybe he should talk to Arashi about this. Arashi was his experienced teammate, and he would help. Later.
Konohamaru stalked to the window, and poured the remains of his dinner (if he could call it that,) down the wall and into the bushes.
-
A half hour after he had left from the crime scene of the dinner table (of YOUTH!), Lee snuck out his window to train. TRAIN, TRAIN FOR THE FIRES OF YOUTH AND LOOOOOVE!
If I don't run around the property seventy-five times in one minute, I'll do the same thing, on my arms!
And if I don't run on my arms fast enough...I'll hop on my tongue.
Gai-sensei said that the tongue is the strongest muscle in the body, so I should go faster if I use it.
And then I'll do sit-ups so I don't get flabby abs.
Lee concluded his thoughts. He began to run. And run. Around the estate. (Approximately, it was unmarked.)
His internal clock chimed sixty seconds.
Nuuooooo...
He had only gone seventy-two.
Steeling himself for the ordeal ahead, Lee flipped to his arms, and began to move very quickly around the estate. Again.
Fifty-five.
Sixty-two.
Seventy-three–
Seventy-four...
Almost, almost seventy-five, only few more yards...
Dingdingdingdingding—DING!
Shit! Lee mentally cursed.
Oh well. The next should be easier, anyway.
There was no, absolutely no doubt in Lee's mind that he could run around the mansion seventy-five times, in sixty seconds, on his tongue.
Painstakingly, Lee lowered his bowlcut to the green grass and crossed his arms around his chest.
Sooo carefully, he tipped his forehead without moving the rest of his body. Finally, his lips were pressed firmly against the forest floor.
With gusto, Lee shoved his tongue into the earth, and attempted to propel his body a few inches into the air.
...Nothing much happened, unfortunately. His tongue squished unpleasantly against the salty dirt, and after thinking a bit, Lee retracted it.
Slower this time, Lee stiffened his tongue and pushed it to the ground. Thank kami it hasn't rained recently... he thought as his body moved upwards.
This was going to be harder than he thought...
-
Approximately thirty seconds later, Lee had only made it three feet. He collapsed, gasping.
I don't think that's what Gai-sensei meant.
Lee heaved himself to his (well rested, at this point,) legs and walked towards the back door, where there was a mudroom.
There was a bathroom directly to the left, so Lee could wash out his dirty mouth before being seen by too many people. Not that he cared, of course.
It was completely by chance that he happened to meet Kiba and Akamaru in the back entry.
Completely by chance, that he caught Kiba next to Akamaru, on his hands and knees...
Eating dog food.
Lee looked at Kiba.
Kiba looked at Lee.
Akamaru continued to eat.
Kiba remained on the tiled floor, his arms around a food bowl.
Lee looked at Kiba.
Kiba growled and hovered over the extra food bowl. "You can't have any!" he growled.
Lee looked at Kiba.
And looked at Kiba.
Lee would keep looking at Kiba for a long, long time.
After all, it wasn't often that he found someone who acted as strange as he did.
-
The squirrel sat outside the kitchen window. Through the half-open doorway to the dining room, it could see someone being strangled by someone else.
Maybe it should come back some other time, ne?
No, nonono! Nuts, its nuts were gone (no, not those nuts, silly) and it needed a place to stay.
Stupid girl.
The squirrel scampered up to the attic, in through a hole, and into the main section of the house, careful to avoid any rogue ninja. It snuck through the dining room where the blond girl was still strangling a human boy that looked like he lived with a stick up his ass.
Triumphantly, the squirrel skittered into the kitchen.
Once there, it proceeded to take out the fixings for a pecan pie.
And it waited.
Eventually, Neji fainted (suffocated) and Ino went into the kitchen to put away dinner. And to her surprise, she found the ramen put away! (Down the garbage disposal...)
What good samaritan would do such a thing? Ino thought as she looked around eagerly to thank (Sasuke). But to no avail, for Sasuke was not there.
She did find, a pound of pecans. A pie crust, embedded in a pie pan. Sugar, molasses. Everything a girl could possibly need for...baking a pecan pie.
A squirrel sat pointedly on the oven, which was pre-heating.
"Oh!" She exclaimed. "The little woodland creatures are coming to help me!" And with glee, Ino prepared to pecan pie for the little nutless squirrel.
And when it was done, the other ninja arrived to find the doors and windows to the kitchen locked, so that they could not have any.
The little squirrel ate pecan pie to its heart's content, enjoying the attention from the beautiful girl who had baked it.
Outside, Sasuke was jealous. He was rather partial to pecan pie...
To be continued!
Soooo...that came out of nowhere. I just didn't feel like studying for midterms. (UUGg)
I just took seven tests in two days! Suckness! I think I failed two. And after I cheated, too. Max/min does not make sense. Not even when I look at my notes. Bye-bye, three hundred points!
1. In japan, it's said that a person who doesn't drink milk is grouchy. Hence, why Edward Elric of Fullmetal Alchemist is pissy all the time. He hates milk!
R. O. D. Review or Die. (Oops, don't own that...)