Author: Sorafrosty

Title: Housekeeping

Summary: House doesn't want anything for his birthday, but does Wilson listen? Nope, so he gets him an unbearable gift he knows is going to piss House off. Rated 'T' for language. Sorry for the bad and weird title…

Disclaimer: I do not own House MD or any of its characters. The ones you don't recognize belong to me. This is purely fictional and there's no need to sue, as I am not making a profit out of this. I do, however, own Housekeeper girl (or Stella).

A/N: Okay, here we are! Perhaps you'll find this chapter a bit cracky, but oh well! Happy reading, review if you feel like it and updates will come if you wish (I'll update anyway, but it's more fun if people like it)

--

The next morning, I quickly found out that of all the methods to waking House I had tried out so far, the best one was to poke him with his own cane, whilst slipping a cup of coffee into his hand (while it tried to hit me, by the way). Pulling up the shades was another and a more effective one at that, but it resulted in more gruesome critique of breakfast, whilst the latter only produced minor attempts at stealing my Rolling Stones records.

"Noooo," House muttered into the pillow after I had given him the coffee (he had managed to spill it on himself; not my fault if he got second degree burns whilst trying to hit me with the cup). "I fell asleep at what… four or something… I like to sleep… and I need to…NOW. Go away!"

"Sorry, but Dr. Wilson said you had to be up at eight, so…" I sighed and dumped the clothes I was holding onto his bed. "Perhaps if you tried to get to bed earlier…"

That seemed to had done the trick; he sat up and looked at me with blue, bloodshot eyes. "Don't tell me what to do, kid!"

I raised my eyebrows. "I was merely suggesting-"

"Yeah, yeah, and I don't need it. Who asked for your opinion? Speak when spoken to, got it?"

"I thought…" I stopped mid-sentence, not wanting to argue. House smirked in triumph, and I went into the kitchen (cereal for House, bread and some jam for me).

House had the impression (sadly, he was right; I didn't have much choice) that I would go with him to the clinic again. He didn't seem to get Wilson out of his mind (not like he had a crush on the oncologist, but you know what I mean). Whenever I asked him something very ordinary (like "do you want me to wash your shirt along with the… four million others laying on the… kitchen table…?) he would answer with something completely different (like "he knows this ticks me off! He knows that I want to know…"). I replied with a simple sigh and a shrug of my shoulders (and yes, I did wash the four million shirts).

Right now, I was standing in front of House's desk (for the tenth time that day), with him refusing to let my green eyes leave his intense blue ones while we (he) talked.

"You're useless. Wilson slammed his door in your face this time, eh? That's no excuse for not doing what you're told. What are you, some kind of goldfish? I SAID YOU SHOULD CLIMB IN HIS WINDOW AT NIGHT IF YOU HAD TO!!"

I sighed; trying hard not to show my irritation (figured would be bad for my résumé if I had killed my previous boss). "Again, all he's said is that you should be the one talking to him, not me."

He rolled his eyes and pointed at something behind me. There was said oncologist on his way to his office, looking all happy, only stopping to say hello to some nurse. "Look, look! There's Boy Wonder oncologist right there!"

"You expect me to do something about it RIGHT NOW?!" I said, nearly exploding. "This has gone too far… I may be making your meals, but I'm not feeding your nearly insane ideas."

"Go. Out. There. Right. This. Instance."

He was starting to really bug me. Not like "oh, now I'm gonna poke you with a stick annoying", but like "I'm telling you what to do, and yes, you HAVE to do it!" My temper was fading away at a rapid speed. I blamed the damned oncologist.

Then I thought of an idea. One that would be a bit weird, and perhaps a bit evil, but to get an end to this, I had to do it.

"Alright. Gimme your cane," I said, holding out my hand.

He looked suspicious (couldn't blame him). "Why? What do you want with it?"

"Just give it to me."

He barked a laugh. "Yeah, so you can beat me with it… Forget it, Bigfoot, you're not getting this."

I sighed. "Fine, but then you'll never know what I was going to do with it…"

The cane was in my hand before I could say "I like apple jam" (which I don't). I bowed in thanks, and went out the door. Searching the hall for Wilson, I thought about whether I should do it or not. I came to that it was too late; fully aware of House standing in the doorway to his office, carefully watching my every move.

I sneaked up behind the oncologist; there he went strolling happily to back to his office.

"Hey, Dr. Wilson," I said, to get his attention. He stopped and turned halfway around to see who said his name, but was interrupted by me hitting him on his back with House's cane.

"Tell me what's going on, or GO. TALK. TO. YOUR. DAMNED. FRIEND!!" I bellowed, hitting him hard with the cane for each word, throughout the hall (luckily, no one but me, Wilson and House were there).

"OUCH! Stop it already! Why?! OUCH!!" Wilson tried to defend himself, but I kept hitting my frustration with House on him (and that states how much pain he was under at the moment). I could hear House laughing his head off somewhere behind me, but I planned on torturing Wilson a bit more. He headed for the elevator, and I followed, hitting him all over (not hard, but enough to make him feel it).

After he had managed to get to safety, which was good for him, I turned to House, who was currently having problems on keeping on his feet (not because he was lacking his cane, but because he was laughing so hard).

"Well… Wilson was always the one to take a good beating… Okay, I'll go talk to him myself," He managed to say between the laughs. I rolled my eyes and gave him his cane back.

"I'll stay here," I said, walking into the diagnostics room

"Don't expect me to bring you lunch," House said, before I closed the door behind me. "No doubts dear Wilson went to the cafeteria after your little disagreement… you just stay here and take care of my lackeys when they come back from… wherever they went."

I sighed. "What am I supposed to say to them?"

He smirked. "Whatever springs into your mind."

And with that he left me to myself. I sat down at the table (careful not to trip this time), wondering if Wilson had bruises from the severe beating or not.

House chuckled to himself in the elevator; Wilson sure had taken quite a beating from the wretched girl… Who knew she had such a temper? The kind that waited until the last minute (and worse occasion) to explode.

Yes, he found Wilson sitting in the cafeteria, looking slightly shaken and frightened. House tried not to laugh as he approached the table, grabbing his friend's coffee as he sat down. Apart from frightened, Wilson looked very angered.

"This has gone too far," he said, grabbing his coffee back. "You told her to beat me up!?"

House leaned back, a smug grin on his lips. "Nope, she acted on her own accord. Weird thing. Never thought she was able to… now, come on, don't be like that…"

Wilson frowned, not taking his eyes off the diagnostician on the other side of the round table. The latter grabbed the oncologist's coffee again. "Now tell me why you've been acting so insanely weird lately… that would be more than usual."

Wilson sighed, a bit sad by the loss of the coffee. "What do you mean?"

"Stop it. You know very well what I mean, and don't pretend you don't. You've never hired a maid to me before, you've never won a discussion with me and watching you shake of lies like an experienced liar, does seem a bit suspicious, yeah?"

"Is it not possible that I've… taken a liking to the things you mentioned?"

House's eyes became wary streaks. "Everybody lies, and that includes you, Boy Wonder oncologist."

"Okay, okay… you really wanna know? You were withering away in that dusty old apartment, and I thought it would be easier to hire a maid than to convince you to clean the place. As for me winning discussions, I've learned form the best, yeah?"

Although House could sense the flattery, he was not amused. "I can take care of me myself."

Wilson shook his head. "Remember two weeks ago? When I found you sleeping on your couch? I'm sure I saw a layer of dust on you, which clearly states that you can't. You know, you should be grateful I give a damn in the first place. It's not healthy to live like that, and you're a doctor... after all."

The diagnostician raised his eyebrows, not wanting to admit that the oncologist was right. Heck, he'd rather admit that he starred in a porn movie with Chase than telling Wilson he had a point. "Humph. You don't say."

Wilson smiled. "I do. Now, I don't suppose you want to say thank you?"

It was House's turn to smirk. "Nope, not a chance."

"Thought so. Do you mind giving me my coffee back?"

House looked at the coffee, then rose and emptied it over Wilson's head before leaving, content with the answers.

Meanwhile...

I felt my heart in my throat when I saw House's lackeys entering the diagnostics room. I thought he'd be kidding when he said they would come back that quick, and now I didn't know what to do. They seemed to have noticed me before they came in, and the guy with the hard eyes (Foreman, I think he was called) frowned at me when he sat down by the table.

"Err… I'm probably in your way now…" I started, trying not to look at any of them. The blonde guy couldn't take his eyes from me, but he continued to chew on that goddamned pen (a new one this time, I noticed).

"That's true," Foreman said, clearly stating that he didn't want me there. "We're doctors. We don't have time for kids running around here! Who are you anyway?"

The woman with the long brown hair smiled at me. "You are a friend of House, right?"

I sighed, not wanting to answer (why should I, anyway? I mean, let them do the talking and see for themselves).

Foreman tried starting talking about some patient (many words and fancy doctor phrases I didn't understand), but the blonde pen chewer interrupted him by almost jumping in his seat and saying: "AHA!"

"What?" The brown haired woman said, looking puzzled at him. "What's up with you?"

He smirked at Foreman, and leaned back in his seat, perfectly fine by knowing something the others didn't. "I know who she is."

Foreman rolled his eyes, clearly expecting something else. "So do I. She's a woman in her thirties, secretary-"

"Not the patient, her!" He pointed at me. I noticed by his accent that he was Australian, and figured that was what i would call him from now on (if I didn't know his name). "She's House's maid!"

The brown haired woman and Foreman looked from the Australian to me and back again. "Ah, yeah, she could be..." The woman said, looking at me with examining eyes. "But how do we know that this maid is a woman?"

I rested my head in my hands. Were they really so thick (what I've seen of doctors lately, I'd say they were either less intelligent, slow or insane. Guess which category these guys came under)? sitting here speculating while some poor woman possibly died?

"Because most of them are, Cameron... and if she's House's maid-" the Australian began, before noticing the dog collar. "Oh... look at that..."

"Don't you have anything better to do," I interrupted, wanting to hit him with something hard (House's cane was sadly not around, if it was, I would have given him the same treatment as Wilson). "Haven't you got some patient to take care of?"

"Yes, we do," Foreman said, with an annoyed look at the other two. "So if we could just focus on-"

"Focusing on cases are important, Foreman, but gossip and rumors are more fun, don't you agree?" Suddenly House's voice filled the room. He grinned as his lackeys, winking at me, as if to say "aren't they stupid?"

He dumped down in a chair and turned to me. "Come here. You're gonna to write on the white board while I talk, then clean my office... then find out something nice for dinner..."

The woman (Cameron, i think) gave Foreman a "what did I tell you" look.

I grabbed an innocent marker that rolled around on the table, and went to write on the godforsaken white board.

--

There you go… and yes, woot for school ending, and not a minute too soon! Anyways, I think it was about time to let Housekeeper girl snap… nobody's perfect! Oh, and this is a bit sad, but there's a few chapters left!:(