Edarchy

Chapter 11: 3000 Dooms

Disclaimer: I don't own Ed, Edd n Eddy. And so on and so forth.

A/N: If you're wondering about the title, it's because I was tempted to write "Doom" about 3000 times, probably because of Doom 3: BFG Edition being released. As you can probably tell from me constantly mentioning it, it's one of my favourite video games of all time. Who can blame me, really?

Right, I have an idea or two of what's going to happen in this chapter, but I'm afraid that it's going to be shorter than normal. I'll try to get at least 2000 words in, but we'll see how I do. After all, apart from explaining things (if something confuses you or to prove more information on something), I have those explanations at the end of each chapter for a reason. Alright, let's rejoin the Eds...

Eddy woke up in his bed. Despite drinking a lot of beer, he didn't seem all that hungover. Why this is, no one knows (although it's widely believed that, eventually, he'll become immune to drunkenness... somehow). After trying (and failing) to get out of bed, he literally dragged himself out. Right after doing so – and falling out and hitting the floor – he said to himself 'Damn! Come on...' Under thirty seconds later, he eventually was able to walk somewhat normally into the living room.

Lying on the couch was his two friends, though – unlike in Chapter 5 – the two of them weren't spooning (trouble in paradise?). Left to Edd, on the stand, was his mobile phone. Next to it was a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. 'I need a fucking drink.' So, when he got to the liquor compartment, he found out that it was nearly empty. 'Ah. Fuck.' Inside was half a bottle of vodka. 'Still, it'll do.' Taking the bottle out, he opened it up and drank its contents. 'Fuck, now I have to go to the store later. Unless...' Carrying on with his previous train of thought, he looked over at Kevin's old house for no discernible reason. Eddy then said something that sounded like "Right" before grumbling the rest of the sentence.

'Didja get it?' Ed mumbled in his sleep.

'Get what?' Eddy didn't understand what his yellow friend was saying.

'Nothing.'

About an hour or so, when everyone had – for some reason – had enough time to sober up, they checked to see how much money they had left. When they found out they had a reasonable amount left, they got into Eddy's van and headed to a diner, which was somewhere downtown. When they got there, and sat at a booth, they ordered a full English breakfast (with two slices of toast and no beans), a stack of pancakes and – in Eddy's own words – a "brain on drugs with a side of bacon".

Once they got their meals, they started to eat. 'So...' Edd was pouring some syrup onto his pancakes, trying not to spill any of it. 'Shall we discuss what we think occurred the previous night once we became intoxicated?'

After a minute or so of silence as they all exchanged looks whilst eating their breakfast, Eddy said one word: 'Nah.'

'Come on, Eddy. There must be something.'

'Apart from you and Ed huggin', I can't really think of anything.' Despite being embarrassed after finding that out, Edd found a way to hide it. He then continued eating his breakfast, still not trying to spill anything. 'Oh yeah,' Eddy remembered. 'Need to buy some booze.'

After breakfast, Ed was in the bathroom, Edd was outside smoking and Eddy was paying for their breakfasts (including tip). When he went outside, he checked his wallet, finding out that he didn't really have much money left. If he was younger, then he'd probably come up with some ingenious scam. But, ever since he got older, became more cynical and... something about the fact that I never ACTUALLY had the Eds scam in my original [crappy] stories, he then remembered that he had a credit card, so he could pay for his drinks using that. Just as Ed was walking out of the diner (being told that his friend paid for it), Edd stubbed his cigarette and disposed of it in the proper place. The three of them then got into the Eddymobile – Eddy in the driver's seat, Edd in the passenger's seat and Ed somewhere in the back – and drove to the convenience store.

As they were driving there, Edd realised something. 'Shit!' He shouted, although it wasn't loud enough to deafen his two car-mates.

'What?' Eddy was confused, but he wasn't looking away from the road.

'I forgot to tell Scott was Marie sometimes likes to do.' As Ed and Eddy both know who Scott is (Ed especially), they didn't need to be reminded of who the 6'2" passenger was talking about.

'What does she like to do?' Ed was curious.

Meanwhile, over at Marie's place, we could "hear" a lot of shouting, mainly from Scott. Though we couldn't see it, it sounded like he was being pegged. Whilst she was encouraging him to "take it", Scott then went 'Why the hell did I agree to this?'

Back at the van, all three Eds briefly looked up, wondering why I used my usual "in another scene" thing for something that was only three sentences long. They all shrugged their shoulders. Edd was about to say something, but didn't because of fears that it'll ruin what little humour there was in the previous scene.

About 25 minutes later, the Eds arrived at the store. As Edd and Eddy headed inside, Ed took out a quarter and put it in the jawbreaker machine (which will only probably appear in this chapter before disappearing again. Also, the jawbreakers in the machine are "mini" – READ: Real-life-sized – as stated on the "bowl"), with him at the right angle for the jawbreakers to fall into his mouth. Probably because he turned the handle too hard, every single jawbreaker in the machine came out and headed into Ed's mouth (despite the fact that this is damn near impossible). He then lifted his head and began chewing, which he was finding difficult. You may be wondering why he didn't simply eat the machine itself, although, in actuality, Ed got so stupid they eventually had to give him some intelligence.

At that point he walked into the store and caught up with his two friends. 'Hey Ed.' He then turned to his friend. 'Ed! What have you got there?'

Ed opened his mouth, revealing the many jawbreakers in his mouth, slightly coated with saliva. Pleasant. At that moment, Eddy, who was carrying two bottles of Jack Daniels, went 'Hey, he's sucking on some balls!' After fake laughing for a couple of seconds, he went. 'I hate the author' before walking off, disgusted with the observation he made.

After selecting his alcohol, Eddy went up to the cashier. 'That'll be $99.99, sir.' Either they've increased the price of alcohol, or Eddy's bought a lot. At that point, Eddy reached into his wallet and took out his credit card. After a couple of seconds, the cashier said to him 'Sir, I'm afraid you don't have enough to complete this transaction.'

Eddy then remembered that he only had $87.98 on his card. He then reached into his wallet and took out a penny and a dollar bill before turning to Edd. 'Hey, Double D. Can I borrow $10?'

'You better pay me back.' Edd then took out a couple of $5 bills and handed them to Eddy.

'I will, I will. I'm not like that anymore...'

When they were outside, and the jawbreakers somehow managed to instantly dissolve, Eddy opened up his van and tried to securely place his purchases in. He bought two bottles of Jack Daniels, a bottle of vodka, a bottle of gin and two bottles of Jägermeister. Afterwards, they all got back into the van and Eddy drove them all home.

Sometime later, Eddy was sitting alone watching TV whilst drinking a glass of Jack Daniels (with ice). It was nothing important, just a rerun of some crappy game show which only lasted a season. Suddenly, he heard a knock on the door. He turned the TV off, put his glass on a table and headed to the door. It was Rolf. 'Ed boy!' The son of a shepherd said. 'Rolf requires your assistance.'

'Yeah, I can't drive.' Eddy then grabbed his glass and showed it to Rolf.

'Don't worry, Rolf wants one second, maybe two, of your time.'

'Hang on.' Eddy then poured the entire contents of the drink, including the ice, into his mouth. After he swallowed it, he then put the glass on the table. 'Ready.'

He stumbled over to Rolf's house and into his garden. 'Right.' The 7'2" farmer began. 'Rolf is having trouble starting Rolf's tractor and he needs someone to sit in the driver's seat, fiddling with the ignition until it works.'

Eddy, who was wondering if his neighbour was acting out of character, asked. 'Why not Gerta?'

'Gerta's busy preparing for the Farmer's Market.'

'So?'

'She doesn't like being disturbed.'

'Right.' Eddy paused briefly. 'Why the hell can't Monobrow do this?'

'Pea-brained-Ed-boy is practicing with his band, yes?'

'But if he was here...'

'He'd be stealing Rolf's chickens.'

'Alright, alright. I'll help.' Eddy begrudgingly accepted. 'Besides, this conversation's been going on long enough.'

He then sat in the driver's seat of the tractor. Despite the incident where he lost his eye, Rolf still loved the tractor. The family has had it ever since they moved here and they just can't bring themselves to get rid of it. No matter how damaged it got, they knew how to fix it – although, at one point, Marie had to come in to help, though no one knows why (I'm sure you can come up with a better explanation than I can). 'Now,' Rolf grabbed his toolkit. 'On Rolf's command, Rolf wants you to turn the key.'

Eddy, probably surprised that Rolf used the word "you", nodded. Rolf gave the signal and Eddy started the tractor. The tractor spluttered as it came to life (figuratively speaking), although there was this annoying grinding noise. Rolf gave another signal, which meant that Eddy should cut the power. 'Do you know what it is?'

'No.' Rolf then knelt down and shoved a screwdriver... somehow... into the engine. After fiddling around a bit, he pulled his arm out, still clutching the screwdriver and gave Eddy the signal. He turned the key, but it was still the same. Rolf shook his head and gave the signal for Eddy to cut the power.

This continued for eleven minutes, with Rolf using a variety of tools to sort out the problem. When he found out what it was, he removed it and fixed the tractor (please note that removing the nut didn't instantly fix it, he removed it AND THEN he fixed the tractor). It turned out to be a loose nut, despite the fact that a) it would probably be something more serious and b) this has pretty much been overdone. At this point, Eddy got off the tractor. 'Can I go home now?'

'Of course!' Rolf smiled as Eddy dragged himself back home. The son of a shepherd knew that there was a lot to do before the Farmer's Market. Despite the fact that he hasn't entered any competitions or displayed his "wares", he still liked going down there for such as finding out how to maintain the perfect soil pH, what crops are in season and how to stop your animals from wreaking havoc. As a well-respected figure in the "farming scene", he has been part of the council since '93 (despite the fact that, today, he's 25 years old and is still unable to refer to himself in the first person).

When he arrived home, Eddy went upstairs into his gaming room. Selecting a game at random, he ended up choosing Rayman for PS1. He smiled as he opened the case and put the disk in the console. After closing the lid, he turned the TV and the console on, ready to play some video games.

A/N: Fists of love, baby! I have no idea why I wrote that.

Seriously, sorry it took so long. Apart from writer's block, there were a few... things... in the real world. But hey, at least I wrote at least 2000 words! And now it's time to pad it out some more.

1) Initially, this was planned to be released before the 16th October, which is when Doom 3 BFG Edition was released in North America (with Europe getting it 3 days later). However, as previously stated, I was delayed. Knowing me, I'd probably just get it because it has Doom and Doom 2.

2) Eddy wasn't planning on finishing the sentence after "Unless..." This could be because he's tired or there may be another reason. For that matter, I don't know whether Eddy's kitchen was close to Kevin's house, but hey – who cares about continuity?

3) Me claiming Rolf was 25 years old, despite me stating in a previous chapter that he was born in 1972, was not an error, so don't flame me because of that. It's because his birthday hasn't been celebrated yet (it's in May. That's all I'm going to reveal). Something I should mention: Gerta had her 26th birthday in between Chapters 6 and 7.

4) In the show, jawbreakers were as big as your face (again, I'm figuratively speaking here). In real life, they're not as big, hence them being called "mini" here. Hope this clears up any confusion you've had. Another thing I should mention is that the same jawbreakers Ed was eating were the same ones made by The Jawbreaker Factory (yes, that's its name in this story, which counts as another reference to Edco: Rise and Fall), which is definitely the most imaginative name ever. P.S. I'm not responsible for any damages caused to your sarcasm detector because of that last sentence.

5) The Peach Creek Farmer's Market is an annual event where people from Peach Creek and its surrounding areas sample the local produce, enter competition to see who can grow the largest fruit/vegetable or just trade secrets. Despite its name, you don't HAVE to be from around Peach Creek to enter – there have been a number of visitors, contestants and sellers from places such as Lemon Brook and Applebay (with 1985's "Best Tomato" award going to a farmer from the Midwest). Rolf's part of the council because he's head of security (as there have been a few scuffles), because, after all, would you dare piss off a 7'2" farmer who, when angry, shows off his many muscles? Granted, you COULD knock him down to the floor, as it takes him about a minute to get up due to his height, but still...

6) Apologies for that brief cutaway of Marie pegging Scott (who's the drummer for Monster Condo, the band Ed's in. I'm re-mentioning this just in case anyone skips the first 10 chapters) – if you don't know what "pegging" is, just look it up (careful, it's Not Safe For Work). But, as I've previously said, I'll go blue once in a while, but not frequently. Just once every several chapter.

That's all I can think of. So, if you want something explained to you, just leave a review or a PM and I'll explain it to you. Alright, take care.