Chapter 11
Colette
Jasper has gone to prepare for the trip, and Carlisle takes over giving me the grand tour. To the right of the great room there's a staircase leading to the second floor. Another hallway with four more bedrooms and two bathrooms leads to what's obviously a suite at the end. I assume that it's his, but he points to the closed door. "That's Jasper and Alice's suite. There's one just like it above Nahuel and Gemma's room for Jacob and Renesmee when they come to visit. I've got the room facing the front. He opens the door across the hall from his. "This is your room – if you want it. Ness brought some of your clothes, and some of the things from the cabin."
I step into the room, and it's very pretty, with its white painted furniture and soft lavender blue walls.. It looks out over the lake as well, and there's a day bed with a white blanket trimmed in the same shade of lavender. It looks like Huilen made it. It's a very feminine room, which reminds me that Edward won't be sharing it with me.
My clothes hang neatly in the closet, and there's a low bookshelf with many of my favorite books. The top of the dresser holds trinket boxes, and when I open one, I find my charm bracelet with the carved wolf and the crystal heart. I shove it back inside before it tears open the healing wound.
I feel his arms around me, and I turn to bury my face against his chest. "How long is it going to hurt, Carlisle?" I don't want to let him go, but he pats my back and gently pulls away.
He opens up the trinket box and takes out the bracelet. He sits on the daybed and pulls me down beside him, and wraps his arm around me. "Tell me about this." I don't know how to respond to his invitation, but in the safety of his arms, I'm able to tell the story of the gifts.
"I was such an idiot. I wouldn't let him buy me a gift, and made it seem like I favored Jacob over him. He was so patient, and I was so short-sighted. I'm surprised he didn't give up on me." Before I realize what he's doing, Carlisle opens the bracelet and fastens it to my wrist.
"No, unhook it, I can't wear this." I turn it and try to open it myself. He takes my hands firmly in his.
"You should wear it. Those are happy memories, and this means a lot to you."
"It's too much of a reminder... I can't."
He pulls my hand closer and looks at the sparkling heart dangling from my wrist. "I remember when he bought this. He asked my advice about what he could get you that wouldn't make you think he spent too much. He wanted to buy you a diamond, but he knew you wouldn't accept it. I suggested the crystal." He laughs softly. "I confess, I thought you were too young to understand the significance of a diamond. But it turns out you understood too well, and the crystal was almost enough to raise your defenses. You should wear it."
"I think I'd rather give it to Ness. She'll appreciate the wolf as well."
"Then wear it until we see her tomorrow." He still holds my hand, and he presses a kiss to the back of my fingers. "This is how you help it stop hurting. You cling to the good memories. Remember the love, Bella. It never goes away as long as you remember it."
I can hear we're alone for the moment. "How does it feel... I mean after what we... after what happened? Are you glad we stopped?"
He stares at me for a long while, then presses his lips softly to mine for just a moment, before pulling back to gaze at me. "No. No I'm not glad we stopped." He sighs and I feel his breath on my cheek. "But it's the right thing to do. You need to heal, not worry about my intentions." He holds up my hand with the sterling silver bracelet dangling from my wrist. "The trick is reconciling this... " His lips brushed mine softly. "... with this. You have to be able to make peace with your memories before you can let go of the pain and move forward." He gets up and leaves me sitting there, staring at the bracelet. I hear the door click as he leaves.
I spend too long just remembering that time all those years ago. There's a tiny tap on my door. "Come in." I answer, without even thinking.
The door opens slowly, and a timid woman carefully enters. She holds a tiny baby cradled in her arms. She inches away from the door, clearly afraid. Her smile is tentative, and she speaks in soft Italian. "I am very sorry I didn't trust you. My husband has told me much about you, and I know you don't bite people. I know you are Renesmee's mother too." I nod, afraid to speak. She reminds me of a baby deer she's so nervous.
"This is our daughter Karina. She was born six weeks before your daughter gave birth." She steps closer to where I sit on the daybed. "Would you like to hold her?"
"Maybe you could sit beside me instead." She doesn't flee at my Italian, and I make a spot for her to sit, adding extra pillows to support her back and arms. I sit next to her, and we both gaze at the little girl in her arms. She's adorable, with thick black hair, and light brown skin, like coffee with a lot of cream. "She's beautiful, Gemma." I don't touch either of them, though I'd love to hold the baby. I can tell Gemma needs time to warm to me.
"Maybe some day my daughter and your grandson will become mates." Her statement makes my head spin. I can't imagine making plans so far ahead for an infant. But then again she was raised in Joham's Volterra, where mates were chosen for them based on physical traits and powers alone. I doubt Nahuel would have married her if he didn't love her, especially after everything he saw his father do.
After a while, Nahuel taps on my door, and he smiles to see his wife has come to make peace. "You are very perceptive that you don't touch her." He speaks English, and I wonder why Gemma isn't offended at being left out, since we all can speak Italian. "She is still very sensitive about being touched."
"Does she have a talent?" I don't like speaking as if she isn't there, but she seems to be in her own little world as she stares at the baby.
"No. She's venomous. We're fortunate Karina isn't venomous, and she doesn't have teeth yet. Dr. Carlisle believes she will grow up like a normal human child. Sadly, we likely will not have her forever, but she is very strong and resistant to disease."
I haven't considered that. My grandchildren have a life expectancy, and I've wasted so much time I could have spent with them. But then again they take part of their lineage from Jacob, so maybe they're more supernatural than Nahuel's child. Still it makes me want to see them even more. We sit in my room making small talk, and almost as shyly as she came in, Gemma stands, smiles at me, and leaves.
"She is a very tender soul," Nahuel marvels. "I love her so much, but she is broken. She still has nightmares, and sometimes she wakes up screaming. Huilen is trying to teach her how to be a mother, since she has no idea. Both of us have no idea how a good father should behave. Doctor Cullen has been very helpful to us." He moves toward the door. "I know it seems rude to speak around her, as if she's not here. But she has a very limited attention span for the real world. She is very childlike, and she is easily overwhelmed." He smiles and leaves me with my thoughts.
I think about the upcoming visit to my daughter and grandchildren. Sarah is two now, and I've only seen her a couple times. And I haven't seen the new baby yet. How could I have missed his birth? I should have been there to hold Nessie's hand. When I wonder who was there, I naturally think of Carlisle. He would have been there, without a doubt. I feel terrible that I've let her down so much.
I leave my room and go looking for him. I can hear the people in the house, and it's not difficult to find him in his study. I tap, and he asks me in.
His room is more like a library, with bookshelves reaching floor to ceiling, and more books and periodicals on any flat surface.
"How can I help you, Bella?" He looks up at me, giving me his undivided attention.
"I just realized I'm not ready for my visit to Nessie tomorrow." He seems momentarily disappointed. "I mean... I need presents. I'm Grandma to a two year-old, and I can't go to visit empty-handed." He smiles and leans back in his chair. He's wearing a T-shirt and khaki shorts, and that seems odd to me. I'm about to comment when he speaks.
"Well, I was just about to go for a hike in the woods. But if you need to go shopping, you can use the Jeep parked on the side. Better yet, why don't you take my car, since it's got GPS to help you find what you're looking for."
"You're talking about your Maserati? But you love that car."
"Yes. She's a lot of fun to drive. The keys are on the hook by the kitchen door. Have fun." He looks like he's about to go back to his reading.
"Uh... Carlisle?" He looks up again. "What kind of things does Sarah like?" I feel horrible since he knows more about her than I do.
He smiles. "She's into dogs. One of their neighbors raises Border Collies, and Sarah spends as much time playing with them as she can."
"So toy dogs?"
"Well... Ness tries to limit the toys, and with the new baby she's got to worry about choking hazards again. She does allow books, and Sarah reads at a third grade level. She also likes to have dog treats for when she visits her friends, and she likes clothing and accessories with dogs on them." He seems to know her well, and I can't help but feel left out by my own choices.
"Thanks for the advice." I look at him a moment longer, wanting to tell him so much, but I just can't express the gratitude.
He looks up again. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, she's a three T in clothes. She's pretty big for her age, and so is the baby. She's potty trained, and only wears big girl underwear." I look at his kind eyes and smile.
"Thanks." I go and find the keys on the hook. I'm surprised that his keyring has her name on it – ESME in heavy gold letters. I hadn't noticed before, and I feel funny as I hold his keys and her keyring in my cold hand. He isn't afraid of reminders, and they don't cause him pain. I envy him Once outside, there's a path through the woods and underbrush to the garage. It's still a work in progress, but the slab is poured and the structure is up. There are five cars inside, and there's room for more. Hmm, Jasper, Nahuel, Carlisle, Huilen, the Jeep...
"Bella! Do you mind if I come with you?" Colette steps lightly through the trees. "I have not yet learned to drive in this country. The rules are more strict than in Africa or Italy." She lapses into French, and I can follow most of what she says. She needs a few things and she wants a chance to shop with another woman. "Huilen only shops for fabric and wool, and Carlisle is hopeless." She laughs as she waits for my answer.
"Sure. I'm still not sure where I'm going, but you're welcome to come." It disturbs me that she knows everyone so well already. My two years of exile have left a lot of gaps.
I adjust the seat and mirrors as she fidgets with the seat belt and turns on the stereo. The first few piano notes play, and before she withdraws her hand I've moved lightning fast to turn it off. "Please don't turn that on." I ignore her startled expression and hit the eject button. The disc slides smoothly out of the stereo, and I carefully take it and search for a place to put it.
"Here it is." She holds the jewel case, and I'm stunned to see Edward's picture behind the plastic. I close my eyes, but the image is burned into my memory. I knew he'd made the CD for Carlisle to celebrate a birthday, but I didn't know he'd embellished the case with his photo. She takes the CD from my trembling fingers and I hear the click as she puts it away.
"Are you okay?" I can hear the concern in her voice. "I'm sorry if it bothers you to be reminded of your husband." I take deep useless breaths of air into my frozen body and try to think of the right thing to say.
I open my eyes and face her wide brown gaze. "I'm sorry... it's just so hard to miss someone so much." I take the case from her hands and look at his face. "I loved him so much." I sigh deeply and close the case. I slide the CD back into the stereo and turn it on. The music floods through the speakers and I can visualize him playing every beautiful note. I resolve to listen and not feel the agony of his loss. I can do this, I repeat in my mind as I start the car and pull out of the parking space.
Fortunately driving the Maserati takes more concentration, as does the GPS directions. Colette leaves me to my silent memories for the first couple miles, then she speaks quietly. "He was very talented. I've listened to this music many times when I rode with Carlisle."
"He was amazingly talented." We come to a more congested area, and I have to pay attention to the directions. The music fades into the background as I listen for the spoken directions of the GPS, and pay attention to the traffic.
"I love that the signs here are in French as well as English. It makes me feel at home." I hadn't even noticed. "Maybe when Carlisle and I get married we'll stay here." Her casual words almost make me wreck the car.
"What are you talking about?" I look at her while I sit at a stoplight.
"Oh, I forgot that you don't know I'm going to marry Doctor Carlisle."
"You're engaged?" I wonder why he didn't tell me.
"Well not yet. He hasn't asked me. But it makes so much sense for us to be married. We are both healers; I mean he's a doctor, and I have a gift for healing. We'd make a great team. And I could have babies with him, and they would be very powerful. And our names begin with C – Carlisle and Colette Cullen. It's perfect." She seems to have it all worked out.
"You're in love with him?" I chance a look at her bright face.
"Love? Why would that matter?" She truly looks perplexed. "We make a good match, even though he is old. He's a pretty man, and mating would be agreeable."
"But why would you want to marry someone you don't love? Marriage should be forever, and if you're going to be with someone that long, you should love them – deeply." I wonder if her skewed reasoning is because of her relation to Joham.
"I don't know if I can fall in love." Her face falls for a moment. "I have not felt love since my mother died. I did not love my father, and I have not felt anything for those in Volterra. I fear love only brings pain. There are many in Volterra who are like you. They grieve so deeply because of love. I don't want any part of that – no – I want a good match and no love. No pain."
"You shouldn't get married until you fall in love. Even if there's pain, love is... better than anything else in the world. Being in love makes your soul sing. It's like being more alive than you've ever been. It's about having someone who understands you and knows you even better than you know yourself – and they still want to be with you. Falling in love is like walking your whole life, and suddenly being able to fly. It's amazing and wonderful. Colette, don't cheat yourself out of that by settling for someone you don't love. Your mother would have told you that herself, if she had lived."
"You think I should try to fall in love with him?" Oh wow... I really don't want to go there with her.
"You can't make yourself fall in love. Either it happens or it doesn't." I look at her and I realize that even if she's fully mature, she's still so very young emotionally. I'm starting to understand what Carlisle was talking about concerning the aftermath in Volterra. There's a whole generation of children raised without mothers, and maybe without involved fathers as well – it staggers my mind just to think about it.
"How did you fall in love with your husband?" Her innocent question knifes through me. It takes a few seconds before I can answer her.
"The better question would be, how could I not fall in love with Edward." I sigh, and remind myself that she hasn't had anyone to talk to her about love. "At first I thought he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. He was like an angel who had dropped down into my world. I was fascinated by him."
"Joham had that effect on women." Her comment makes me feel suddenly defensive.
"It wasn't like that for Edward. He didn't try to attract attention. He didn't want that kind of attention. He ignored me at first, and when I had to be in the same class and sit next to him, I thought he hated me. He seemed angry, and was so rude I tried to get out of the class so I didn't have to be near him." I laugh softly as I remember. "He wasn't rude, he was hungry, and he was fighting for all he was worth not to eat me."
"Oh yes, I remember! You were his..."
"Please don't say it!" I interrupt her. "Yes, it's true that my blood attracted him more than anyone else's would. But to call it by that name... it makes it sound as if it's my fault somehow. It makes it sound like it's inevitable that he would kill me. Both of those ideas are wrong. The Volturi have given too pretty a name to the overwhelming desire to murder someone and feed on them. Edward was better than that." She sits in silence.
"I'm sorry, it's not your fault. It's just there was more than blood and beauty that attracted us. In fact, it was my blood that made him keep his distance, and his beauty made me feel undeserving of him. When we could finally talk, he was interested in me because he couldn't read me. He asked me the simplest questions and he listened to my answers like they mattered. I didn't realize he wasn't able to talk to other girls like he did me. He didn't understand why I wasn't afraid of him." I smile as I remember those precious first encounters.
"It didn't take me long to realize I was in love with him, even though he thought I should avoid him like the monster he thought he was. But he saved my life at least two different times, and I trusted him more than he trusted himself."
We pull into the parking lot of the shopping center. I park away from the other cars, in the shadows of a lonely mattress store, just in case the clouds give way to sun. I turn to Colette. "Love doesn't see problems and it doesn't follow your plans. Edward and I shouldn't have been able to be together, but love overcame every obstacle. Well, not just love, it was also his character. He was a good man. But he didn't plan on me, and I couldn't possibly engineer everything that happened to us. And I didn't choose him because of any kind of logic."
I'm not sure she understands what I'm trying to say. But I also realize it's easier to talk about him than I thought it would be. I reach out and lay my hand on her arm.
"Colette, love is worth waiting for. Edward waited almost a hundred years for me, and he was more than I could have hoped for. Don't get in a hurry to be an adult and raise a family. I often wish we had more time together before we had Nessie. Not to say that we didn't love her and want her, but if there was some way I could have spent more time with him alone... we were supposed to have more time." Again I have that feeling that I get when I just can't cry. She surprises me when she reaches across the seats and wraps me in her arms.
"I am sorry, I do not mean to cause you pain. I am sorry my father hurt you so much – please forgive me."
I struggle out of her embrace. "No, Colette. It's not your fault – there's nothing to forgive. You weren't even there."
She looks suddenly guilty. "You don't understand. I... we are not blameless." Her brown eyes swim in tears as she looks at me. "We were promised mates." She looks as if she bears the weight of the world on her shoulders. "We stayed behind, but my father promised the females among us, especially his daughters, that he would bring us back mates. The men of Volterra had mated with human women, and most of their children were not yet mature. My father wanted all the female hybrids to mate with vampire men. He told us he would bring them back, and we were excited for them to win the war."
I can only stare. So many had died, and all so he could engineer some kind of super master race. Carlisle had told me all this before, but hearing it again from someone who had been on the other side makes it more real, and more horrific.
"You thought you had to marry the one he picked out for you? You were ready to have children with a stranger? Oh Colette, that's crazy!"
"He wouldn't have been a stranger. We were given profiles of our future mates. Carlisle was promised to me three years ago. I knew all about him..."
"Then you know he already had a wife! Did you just think he'd forget her?"
"Not exactly. My father would have made him marry me, and I thought... I thought I could make him forget. I thought if I were just..." She lapsed into French, and I knew she was talking about physical attraction and sexuality.
"Did he give profiles to other girls? Was my Edward promised to someone else?" I feel an unreasonable desire to grab her and shake the information out of her.
"Yes. Please, I'm sorry... we did not know."
"How could you not know? He took all the vampire women to war and left the men behind where it was safe. Did you think they would all live and come back to their mates? Or were those men promised to others as well?"
"Please... it is not what I would have chosen. My father was a master at turning lies into truth. He insisted all the male vampires in Volterra mate with human women. My older sisters were mated to some of the most powerful among them as well. He made them mate with different men, to see what powers he could create. Joham's children could resist his charm, but we could not resist Caius." Tears were streaming down her face, but I was finding it hard to pity her.
"Who was supposed to be Edward's new wife? Who has his profile? Who was sitting in Volterra hoping I would die during the war?" I feel my fingers digging into her arm and I force myself to let go. I wish Joham were still alive, so I could tear him apart myself. I would gleefully look him in the eyes and wrap my fingers around his throat.
"I am so sorry. I do not know who had the other profiles. It would have had to have been someone younger than me. Why would you want to know?" She wipes her eyes on her sleeve like a child. "We all did what my father wanted. There were only a few who dared oppose him, and they were imprisoned, or destroyed. We all watched the guard tear Heidi apart and feed her to the flames. Jane and Alec tried to flee, and they were forced to go to war instead. Felix and Demetri..." She shakes her head. "... it came out that they were a couple, and they refused to mate with any woman. They died in the war as well."
"Why do you still want to marry Carlisle, if you're father is dead?" She has to have a better answer than the one she's given me.
"He is kind. He is an attractive man. And we are both healers and we would have powerful children together." She returns to the only argument she knows.
"That's not enough. You're not a pawn in a chess game. You could have any man – any man, shape shifter, vampire, or hybrid. And you're not very old yet, you've got so much time ahead of you. You don't have to follow the script Joham gave you."
"It is sweet that you are so concerned. Carlisle too was upset by my revelations. I am still learning western relationships. In Africa I would be expected to respect my father's decisions until my husband took his place. I will think about what you have said." We sit there, looking at each other, and the somber notes of Moonlight Sonata drift around us. I'd made it through the music, but Colette's ideas and her childlike determination to marry Carlisle have soured my desire to shop.
Even though my heart isn't in it, I open the door. I click the lock as we walk across the parking lot towards a chain story I know will carry kids clothes and toys. I notice a pet superstore a little further away, and decide to make that my first stop.
I draw a lot of attention as I walk into the store. This time it's not because they see me as beautiful, but because there are several dogs on leashes that go berserk as soon as I step through the doors. I've forgotten. My mind is still on Colette's news. I turn around and leave as fast as I can without looking inhuman.
Once outside and away from the store, Colette asks me for a list of what I'd wanted. I mention the dog treats and some toys that would be good for chasing – rubber balls, frisbees, and squeaky toys. She disappears inside and returns in minutes with what I wanted.
"I didn't negotiate with the clerk, was that right?" I have to laugh. She has so much to learn, not only about relationships, but about North American culture.
"You were right not to negotiate. You did really well in choosing what I wanted, thank you." She beams at my minor praise, and it startles me to think that she likely hasn't had anyone to praise her and pay her complements for most of her life. "Maybe you can help me find some good gifts in this store. They don't allow pets in here, so I should be safe." I smile at her
We shop for almost an hour, and Colette helps me find several things for Sarah, as well as the baby. We leave with several bags, and take them back to the car to store them away in the trunk. I want to visit the bookstore while we're out. I need something to keep me busy on the nights when we don't hunt. I find several books on dogs that I'm sure Sarah will like.
I shop for myself then, skipping the romance section where I used to find my favorites. I follow Carlisle's example and shop for nonfiction. I pick up anything that catches my interest, from gardening, to eastern philosophy. As I browse, I think about starting a hobby. Maybe I should actually take up gardening, or learn to play an instrument. Maybe Huilen would teach me how to weave or sew. I have lots of time, and the only thing I can't do is raise dogs.
Colette has chosen a few books in French, and I wonder if I'll need to learn the language too. It couldn't hurt to go beyond my high school french. Once again we make our way to the car. With everything stowed, I remember what I'd been meaning to ask her. "Colette, how does your healing gift work?"
"It is difficult to explain. Come, and I'll show you." We go back into the store, and she begins following a child of about eight who was limping through the store. I'd seen this little girl myself, hobbling around on a foot that's wrapped in a pressure bandage. There comes a time when the girl is out of sight of her mother, and Colette moves quickly. Holding a dress about the girl's size, she approaches her and speaks in french as if the girl would understand. Maybe in Quebec she would, but not this far west.
The girl looks confused to be questioned, but she doesn't flinch when Colette touches her bare shoulder. Colette stands still for a few seconds, and I can't tell if she's smiling or grimacing. She lets go of the little girl with a soft "Pardon moi." I'm amazed when I watch the girl walk away, without a limp.
Colette reaches for me, and leans on me as she tries to put her foot on the floor. I see her wince in pain before I put my arm around her and support all of her weight. In this way we make it out of the store, and by the time we're by the car, she's able to walk again.
"I heal faster than normal, but to heal others, I have to take an aspect of their injury or illness into my body. I feel their pain, and I suffer as they did, until my own body heals it." I'm amazed at her selflessness.
"Do you do it often?" I can't imagine having to go through pain to use my gift.
"Not so much now. Carlisle tells me I should respect my own body. He doesn't like to see me in pain. I used it all the time in Volterra. I have felt the pains of human women pushed beyond their limits with pregnancy. I helped many of them survive long enough to deliver their babies." Her eyes appear haunted for a moment. I remember that the women all died during or shortly after the births, until Carlisle arrived.
I put my arms around her and hold her tight. "You poor thing. I can't believe you did that."
"It is my gift. I really don't mind the pain."
"Carlisle is right, you shouldn't be expected to take on someone else's afflictions."
"He told me that I should decide for myself. I do try, but if I am in a place where there is suffering, it is hard for me to say no. I was present when Karina was born, and I helped Gemma. I was also there when your daughter gave birth, but she wouldn't let me help her."
Just when I think I can't be surprised, she proves me wrong. "You were with Ness when her baby was born? How did it go?" I was supposed to be with her, instead this child woman was there.
"She was very brave. Her husband never left her side, and Carlisle knew exactly what to do. She was in labor for a little more than eight hours before her son was born. It was only my second time seeing a birth that didn't end with the mother being dead, dying, or changed. I didn't know it could take so long." I remember my own experience, and hug her again. I hate that I wasn't there for Ness.
"Did she ask about me?" I don't want to know, but I have to know.
"She asked once. Carlisle told her you were still away." I don't even know what to say.
Her ankle is healed, and she gets into the car. "Is there anyplace you'd like to go before we head back?"
It surprises me that she wants to go to the grocery store. It's been years since I've been inside one, but it's actually fun watching Colette's amazement at the amount of food on the shelves. She's confused about why there is a whole aisle of food for pets, and she stands and stares in amazement at the meat department.
"This isn't your first time in a grocery store, is it?" I smile so she doesn't think I'm making fun of her.
"No, but it just amazes me every time. Until I came to this country, I never knew there could be so much food in one place." She shops carefully, from the perimeter of the store. Meats, fruits and vegetables, and ingredients she insists will make a wonderful bread. I watch her enthusiasm, and I'm sorry I won't be able to taste her creations.
We drive back, with Edward's piano playing drifting through the car. I grudgingly admit to myself that it is a bit comforting. So much has changed around me, and it's one thing that will always be the same. On the way back, I ask Colette questions to try to learn more about her. She talks a little bit about herself as we drive.
"I was born in Brazzaville in the Republic of Congo. My mother's mother told me a story of a rebellious child who was as beautiful as she was wild. She did not know my father since my mother went home when she realized she was carrying me, and told her only that he was white. I have two brothers and a sister before me, and my mother had been married to an unfaithful man. She had left home when she discovered she had HIV. I only know of her childhood, as she had been gone for five years before my grandmother welcomed her back home." She's quiet as she watches the scenery fly by.
"When I was born, I deprived that good woman of a daughter, and three children of a mother. I remember her suffering and the blood. Most of us are born through the stomach, but my grandmother did as much as she could to push me to come out the right way. She placed cooking pots on my mother's stomach to keep me from coming out the easiest way. I was born like a normal baby, but I was born too fast. She tore and bled."
I reach out and take her hand. "I wish I did not remember. There was no doctor or nurse, only my grandmother. She knew I was not normal, and she was afraid to hold me. But my mother reached for me, and I knew she loved me. She cradled me against her weakening body, and smiled at me. I wanted her to live, but I could hear her pulse getting weaker. She told me she loved me... it's the only thing she said before she died." I feel a warm tear splash against my hand.
"I am sorry." She smiles and wipes at her tears. "My grandmother raised me through my early childhood, which did not last long. When my father came for me, I did not want to go with him, but he insisted. He threatened my family if I did not go. He was already established as a tribal leader in the jungle, and he had plans of creating an army of "warriors" like me. Once he found out about my gift, I knew he'd never let me go. I began immediately helping the women he'd impregnated live long enough to deliver my half siblings. All the women died during or after childbirth. He didn't want me to try to save them. If they lived through the birth, he fed on them himself. I hated him.
"In Volterra, I finished growing up. My older sisters took vampires as mates, and began having children. We can easily give birth to vampire babies, and the hybrid males can impregnate both human and hybrid women. My father tried every combination. My older sisters were not given a choice on their mates. It was my gift that kept me from being mated.
"It was a good thing, because I was a young woman with a bad case of puppy love." She smiles and blushes. "I had no chance of ever being his mate, but I longed for the beautiful Caius. He was as pale as I am dark, and to me he seemed like an exotic angel. It is because I could not have him, that I was eventually promised Carlisle. My father thought I preferred blonds, but it was more his bearing that attracted me. He seemed so aloof and unattainable..." She sighs.
"I never liked Caius. He was a cold-blooded killer with no empathy. He killed someone who didn't deserve to die, just for making an honest mistake. Thank your lucky stars you were never given to him."
"I am sure you are right. But maybe I could have changed him. Maybe all he needed was a good woman to love him."
"Colette, people don't change like that. Caius had over a thousand years to become the man he was." I shrug. "Love can change people, but it has to be their choice. It's not magic that can fix character flaws. Besides, he was already married."
"She died in the war too."
"I thought so." I wasn't really sure who had died in the war on their side. I learned of all the horrifying losses on our side as the days passed, even though I was too numb to process the list.
"Do you think you'll remarry?" I try to school my reaction. She's so much a child in a woman's body, and children are known for asking inappropriate questions. I look over at her innocent brown eyes, and I just don't know the answer. A week ago, the answer would have been an unequivocal no, but now I'm not sure. The memory of kissing him sneaks into the forefront of my mind, and I shrug.
"I don't know."