You guys are the best. This chapter is for Guest Reviewer Beck. I couldn't respond to your review, so you get the whole chapter. Thank you so much. Your kind words definitely made my day!

This chapter has a few medical things in it. Not a doctor. I googled it, but it might be wrong. If you've had cancer or if you're a medical student, apologies in advance for what I understood from confusing sites! I'm probably wrong.

Anyways, next chapter will be up when the story is to 96 reviews. You guys are marvelous, and I love you to the moon and back!

Chapter 11

Failure wasn't an option, not for a Hastings. Not for her. She didn't want to be a failure anymore. But honestly, when did someone start to fail? Was it when they were still trying? No. A failure was someone who gave up trying. A failure was someone who consented to failure. It was someone who refused to continue to try. That wasn't her. She would get through this. She would.

But maybe not right now.

Toby's letter said that he wished that he could be there for her like she was there for him, but God he clearly forgot the way that he supported her through everything.

She knew that taking the Adderall was stupid. She knew it. But it seemed worth it until now. Hanna and Emily found out and were livid with her.

She wished that they understood, but they never would. They both had parents that loved them unconditionally. She knew that her parents loved her, but it came with certain conditions. If she couldn't keep up in school they wouldn't love her as much. If she didn't excel at sports their love for her would decrease. If she was less than the perfect daughter then they would treat her like she was nothing.

The Adderall was worth it right up until that minute. The ability to stay up all night to do her homework and practice made the shaky limbs, queazy stomach, and numb extremities worth it. But now that she had earned Hanna and Emily's disapproval she realized how stupid she was. This was dangerous.

She pulled open her kitchen door and slid inside, hoping to not alert anyone to her presence. But when she turned around to face the room she was met with a shocking, albeit not altogether unwelcome, sight. "Toby?" She walked to him and put her hand on his shoulder. From the moment she felt him flinch she knew that someone had told him.

He spun around in the chair and just looked at her wish anguished eyes. "Why didn't you tell me, Spencer?"

"What was I supposed to say?" She asked him incredulously. "Oh hey Toby. While you were away I got addicted to my ADHD medication. You know, just as a conversation starter."

"You were supposed to tell me," he said firmly. His hands reached up to frame her face. The moment that he touched her she felt the trembling of his fingers. He was worried. "Spencer, how am I supposed to help you if I don't even know that you're in trouble?"

"How did you even find out to begin with?" she asked him, not really ready to deal with this. She knew he wouldn't let her deflect for long, but any short amount of time would be well appreciated.

"Emily called me," he indulged her question. As he spoke he pulled himself up to his feet and gently clasped both of her hands. "Spence, talk to me. What's going on? Why are you doing this?"

"D-do," she stuttered, kind of afraid of the answer, "Do my parents know about this?"

"No! Of course not. But- but maybe you should tell them."

Her eyes widened in horror. Was he kidding? If she told her parents this they would never forgive her. They would never love her again. They would- they would probably finally admit that they preferred Melissa. No. No, she couldn't do this. She couldn't. But before she could say anything the front door gave off the prominent squeak that meant someone was coming inside. She turned to Toby in panic.

He glanced over his shoulder and grabbed her hand, lacing their fingers together and leading her toward the back door. She let him lead her out the door without a word. She was so stupid; so, so, so stupid. Why did she let this happen? Why did she do this to herself?

He led her across the lawn and into his truck. He carefully helped her inside before walking around and climbing in next to her. He immediately wrapped both of his arms around her and pulled her securely against her side. "Spencer, listen to me. I don't know why you did this, but what I do know is that it doesn't change anything."

His supportive voice, the feeling of his hand gently stroking her hair, and the way he held her against himself as though to shield her from the world slowly made the world seem clearer. His lips brushed across her forehead in the lightest of touches.

And as much as she wanted to let Toby comfort her she couldn't. She couldn't do it. Her heart ached with love for him, but she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve anything. The nausea working it's way through her body was a stark reminder of that. She needed a pill. She needed it now, before she lost her mind. "Toby, I- I need-"

His arms tightened around her, bringing her even closer. "No you don't, Spence. You're stronger than this." His lips pressed against her forehead, and he hunched over her, completely enveloping her trembling body. "I'm right here, sweetheart. Focus on me. Just focus on my voice."

She leaned into his chest, letting him completely support her weight. She could see, hear, feel, or smell anything but him. She pressed on his chest, half-heartedly trying to get him to release her. "J-just one more. Please just let me have one more." She was crying. It was humiliating, but she was crying. Why was so weak? "I'm sorry. I'm s-so sorry," she stammered, burying her face into his chest.

He took in a shaky breath, and suddenly her head was wet. It took her a moment to realize that that meant that he too was crying. No, this wasn't okay. Toby shouldn't be sad, and she certainly shouldn't be the cause of it. He took in another shaky breath and pressed his lips to the top of her head before pulling away just far enough to look into her eyes. "I love you. I love you so much, and I don't care how hard it is or how long it takes; I will be here with you every single step of the way. You'll never be alone." He gently grabbed her face and tilted her head upward. "Spencer, do you hear me? You'll never be alone."

"I love you," she breathed and leaned upward to kiss him. "I love you," she repeated and tucked herself back into his side. With Toby maybe she really would be okay. Maybe she would be able to move past this.

It was so fundamentally wrong for him to say that he wished that he could be there for her. Because he had been there for her throughout their entire relationship. He was so remarkably selfless. He always, always put her first. He never for one second let her feel like she was alone. He never let her feel like she was worthless. He never let her dwell on the negatives in her life. He was always there for her.

And she knew that he would be there for her now if he was able too. He would wipe away her tears and kiss her. He would hold her when she needed comfort, and he was secure enough in their relationship to kick her ass out of the apartment after 72 straight hours of being inside.

"Spencer, are you ready for this?"

No. No, she wasn't at all ready for this. She could probably put this off for the rest of her life. But she knew that it wasn't possible. Instead she nodded reluctantly.

At least she could count on the consistent lengthy wait before being called by the doctor. She curled up in a chair and watched the bright orange fish swim around in the massive fish tank. It kind of reminded her of the disturbing Finding Nemo movie. She didn't know why people thought that it was cute, because it truly disturbed her. What was amusing about that poor fish child getting kidnapped? Nothing.

"Spencer Hastings?"

Apparently this hospital didn't subscribe to the slow appointments ideology. She hesitated and pulled herself up to a standing position. Her legs felt like lead and her steps were wobbly. One foot in front of the other. Step by step.

A gentle hand grabbed hers. She looked up and gave Hanna a distracted smile. "Thanks, Han," she mumbled.

"Um, no where else I'd rather be, babes. Em went to go grab us some food. Let's go check on my little niece or nephew."

It was good that Hanna was there, because as soon as the walked into the room she might have run away scared. If she did this, if she admitted that she was pregnant, that meant that she also had to admit that her time of laying in bed sad was over. She didn't know if she could keep this baby. She didn't know if she could live with the reminder of what she lost. But what she did know was that she certainly was not going to do anything to harm this little part of Toby that she had left.

Once again, the doctor walked into the room in record time. Did this office to recognize the need for a little mental preparation? Although, granted, if given the opportunity she would simply over think to the point that she couldn't function. She took a hold of the pee cup that the doctor handed her and walked into the small enclosed bathroom. She slipped her hand under the hem of her shirt and wrapped the edge of Toby's undershirt around her hands.

And somehow it did provide a great deal of comfort. Because maybe Toby was right. Maybe he was right. The two of them shared a fairy tale kind of love. She loved him with every single part of her soul, and she was absolutely certain that he loved her in equal measure. She never worried that his love for her was fading. She never worried about him with other woman. She knew that she was the one who held his heart. They shared a kind of love that people wait their entire lives for, and that some never find.

Who says that that loved dies with death? Who says that it can't be felt from beyond the grave? Because she knew that she still loved Toby, and in her worst moments she felt waves of his love for her. She still felt it. Science tells us that matter cannot be created or destroyed. Maybe it's the same way for love. Maybe the love that Toby felt for her is just floating around in the universe, waiting for her to die as well. And then maybe once they died their love would be recreated for some new couple.

Or maybe Aristophanes had it right. Maybe soul mates did exist. Before meeting Toby she would have denied it vehemently, but how else could she describe the relationship between them? Their souls were connected. Maybe having a soul mate meant that they were the two separate sides to the same body. It made sense. Why else would she feel this kind of loss? Why else would she feel like she was missing a part of herself.

She silently handed the doctor the cup filled with her pee and listened half-heartedly as he told her he would be right back with the results.

"Spencer, seriously, tell me the truth. Are you alright?" Hanna asked her as soon as the doctor left the room.

She was getting really tired of people asking her that. "What do you think?" She snapped. Almost immediately she regretted her tone. "I'm sorry, Han. It's just-"

"No, don't apologize Spencer. I understand," Hanna sat down on a chair and grabbed a magazine from the table.

Spencer sighed and pulled her legs up to her chest, positive that half of the problem was just how deeply she had come to despise any form of doctor.

"They said that they needed to talk about my results. It might not be bad. Maybe- well I can't think of a good reason," Toby sighed and brushed his thumb across her knuckles. "But don't panic until we know it's necessary, Spence."

"I'm not panicking," she lied. She pulled her legs up to her chest, trying to make the uncomfortable doctor's office chairs more comfortable.

"You know how I can always tell you're panicking?" He chuckled conversationally. "You have this cute little vein by your eye that comes out to play. Usually you can't see it at all, but when you get nervous it's a nice little flash of blue."

She brought her free hand up to the place he indicated, although it obviously didn't do anything to hide a vein she couldn't see. "Well, can you blame me? What if there's something wrong with you, Toby? I- I just-"

"I know," he murmured, pressing a soft kiss to her temple. "I know, sweetheart. If it were you I'd be much more nervous. But no matter what, everything will be fine, alright? I promise, I will make sure that everything's fine for you."

Before she could tell him that the only thing that would make everything fine was having him with her the doctor walked into the room. She could tell from the firm set of his mouth that something was wrong. This wasn't going to be news that she wanted to hear.

He hesitated and turned to her. "Mrs. Cavanaugh, I presume?" He stuck has hand out for her to shake. "It's very nice to meet you."

She shook his hand, but a tight smile was all the acknowledgement that she could produce right now. Please don't be anything too bad. Please don't be anything too bad.

Toby glanced down at her briefly before turning to his doctor. "What's wrong?"

The doctor sighed and took a seat across from them. "As you know, we did several tests once your blood counts came back abnormal. One of- um one of those test came back positive." He paused. She wasn't sure whether he was trying to work himself up to telling them the news that would ruin their lives or whether he was looking for a dramatic pause. Either way, he hesitated. "It was your bone marrow biopsy. I'm sorry to be the one to tell you this, Mr. Cavanaugh, but you have leukemia. This is much more common in childhood, which is why it took us so long to correctly diagnose it."

Toby was still and silent, which wasn't a good sign. She glanced at him for a moment before taking over the questioning. She mostly wanted to curl up in the corner and cry. This wasn't okay. This was not okay. He didn't deserve this. But if she got emotional he would worry about her, and that wasn't an option right now. He needed to be selfish and worry about himself. "What do we do now?"

The doctor kept his eyes on Toby for a moment before swiveling his gaze to Spencer. "Well, his case is quite advance, which was the cause of the symptoms that he originally came in here for. Therefore, we think it would be beneficial to begin him on a chemotherapy treatment."

"And the success rate of that is...?" They were going to end up hating her here, but she wasn't about to let them do any pointless tests or treatments on Toby.

The edge of the doctor's mouth turned upward. Or maybe he would appreciate her. "Not good, admittedly. But it does work in some instances. His best bed is most likely a bone marrow transplant."

"Okay," she said. "And that is usually successful?"

"Many times it is. It's finding a donor that is typically the problem. That can take months to years."

She glanced at Toby, who was still staring at the wall. He must be in shock. "Okay. Well, you should test me whenever you're ready. We'll also do our best to get a hold of his parents."

"Spence-"

She knew exactly what he was going to say, and she wasn't going to hear his protests. She covered his mouth with her hand, doing her best to hide its shaking. He didn't need to see how upset she was. She flashed the doctor an apologetic smile before turning to Toby. "Listen to me right now. You are not going to protest help from people that love you. You aren't. You just aren't. Let me do what I can, Toby."

His eyes turned down to her hand as though to ask her to move it. It was unnecessary, it wasn't like she could make him do anything that he didn't want to do. But it was a little amusing. When she removed his hand she was rewarded with a small smile. "I love you," he murmured.

"I love you too," she sighed, taking his hand and turning back to the doctor. They would beat this. They would do it.

"Ms. Cavanaugh?" The doctor waited until she made eye contact before continuing. "I just wanted to tell you that your home pregnancy test was accurate. You are indeed pregnant. About two months along. Congratulations!"

Congratulations. That was a joke. There was no joy in this pregnancy. No celebration. All that she could think about was that Toby should be here. He should be here. He should. He would be a wonderful father, and he deserved this. "Thank you," she whispered.

"Is the father in the picture?" He asked innocently, having no idea the can of worms he opened up with that question.

Spencer winced visibly and closed her eyes, burying her face in her hands. Why couldn't he be here? Why did he have to die?

"Her husband just recently passed away," Hanna explained quietly, placing a soothing hand on her back. "Spence, it's alright. Everything's fine. Just breath, alright?"

She tried to calm her breathing, but it was taking more effort than she would have liked.

"I'm so sorry, Ms. Cavanaugh, I didn't realize." The only thing saving this man from a massive sarcastic response was the face that he truly sounded repentant. He continued almost immediately. "Just- I know how hard it can be. My first wife died as well. I know how hard it can be to move on. But you have to take care of yourself for the baby's sake."

She looked up and gave him a sardonic glare and stood up. "Thank you." She didn't bother to say anything else. She turned and walked out of the office. She could hear Hanna making apologies for her and grabbing her prescription, but she didn't stop. She didn't even slow. She couldn't be here any longer.

"Spencer!" Hanna caught up to her and grabbed her arm.

Spencer immediately turned and faced her best friend, the emotions of the day finally boiling over into anger. "I know Hanna! I know I was rude, and I know that he probably thinks I'm bat shit crazy right now. Crazy! And I'm alright with that! I don't care. I don't care about anything. How can anything matter?! How am I supposed to go on without Toby? Every time I think that I'm okay, every time that I think it might be possible, something knocks me on my ass and I have to start over again. And now a baby?! A baby? How am I supposed to do this? How am I supposed to be strong enough for this? I just want to sleep. I just want it to be over."

Halfway through her speech the anger fizzled out and turned into tears. They started out as steady and quickly transformed into a sob. This wasn't okay. It wasn't. She should be stronger than this.

Hanna wrapped her arms around Spencer and slid to the ground with her. "You are strong enough, Spencer. You are. You can do anything." She just sat there on the dirty ground and stroked Spencer's hair until her breathing slowed. "Are you alright now?"

"No," she whispered. "But I know what I need to do. Can we go see Toby's dad?"