Disclaimer: I don't own Victorious, or Bring me to Life by Evanescence, or Here's to Never Growing Up by Avril Lavigne. Although, we're both Canadians, and I know someone who knows the someone who discovered her. So, I feel like she owes me something. Where's my slice of the cheque, Avril? (Yay, jokes in the disclaimer again.)
"It's a beautiful day out." I note, walking from the station to Tori's car.
"It really is, considering the huge thunderstorm yesterday." Tori comments. I shudder at the thought. "Oh, sorry Cat."
"No, it's not that. I don't want you to watch what you say around me. I just hate thunderstorms." I explain, but she seems unconvinced. We get to the car and I have an idea. "Do you want to get lunch or something?" I ask. Tori and I slide into the car.
"Sure. What are you thinking of?" She asks.
"Um… I'm kind of craving pizza." I admit.
"Sounds delicious. Let's go get some 'za!" Tori chuckles. We don't have to drive long as there's a pizzeria right around the corner from the station. We both order two slices each and sit down at the patio.
"This makes me so happy." I remark, biting into the pizza.
"That's good to hear." Tori smiles before looking at me with concern. "How'd the interrogation go? My dad told me they can be… insensitive."
"Yeah, I didn't exactly feel like they were on my team during the whole thing." I sigh.
"I'm glad you were able to get through it." She says.
"Not without some tears." I admit. Tori gives me another concerned look. "I'm feeling better now, though. Now that I'm with you and pizza." I quickly add.
"I'm sorry it was tough. I'm sorry this whole thing must be tough." Tori sighs.
"Your dad said you were pretty worried about me." I comment. Her eyes narrow.
"I'll have to have a talk with that man." She grumbles. "What did he say?"
"Basically that you were in hysterics last night." I state plainly before reaching across the table to lay a hand on hers. "I don't want you to worry about me."
"I can't help it, Cat. I mean… god. I heard everything. And I was powerless to do anything. All I could do was drive." She whimpers. "I almost hit an old lady again."
"I know… well, not about the old lady part. But about you hearing… I'm sorry." I say sincerely.
"No, don't be sorry. I should be sorry. This isn't about me at all. You're the one who went through it." Tori sighs. I pat her hand.
"Hey, you've been just as involved the whole time. Of course your feelings on the situation matter. I'm just sorry you had to get so involved… but… I'm glad I have you around." I admit. She flashes a smile.
"How about we both be sorry, but recognize that neither of us have to be sorry." Tori offers.
"Deal." I agree with a smile.
"So, want to hear something funny?" Tori says.
"More than anything." I giggle.
"Well, Trina got recognized the other day." Tori starts.
"Recognized? But she's not even famous." I gasp.
"That's the thing. It was back when we were trying to keep Mrs. Lee away from Jade's show. Remember when you suggested making a fake celebrity to distract her?" Tori tells.
"One of my finer moments." I recall fondly.
"Well, Trina went in as 'Jackie Bonet'. So, someone from that restaurant that day saw Trina and thought she was actually the alias of a celebrity." Tori explains.
"So Trina wasn't really recognized as Trina." I giggle.
"No, but it was still enough to inflate her ego even more. She's been absolutely unbearable lately." Tori groans. We laugh and have pleasant conversation. It's nice, like everything feels normal. I know we'll probably talk more about my incident later, but for now it's nice to know I can continue to talk to my best friend like nothing happened. Like nothing is wrong.
After we finish our pizza, we head back to the car. "Shall I take you home now?" Tori asks. Although, she seems sad about the prospect.
"Um… not yet. I really don't want to be alone. If that's okay with you." I sigh.
"Of course." Tori gives a warm smile. Then it falters. "Cat… how bad is it… really?" Tori questions. "I mean… you definitely have no obligation to answer. After all, you've been questioned enough today. But… I can't imagine what you're going through. I have no idea what's going through your head, even if you seem okay. And that's… scary."
"You had a grasp of what went on my head before?" I joke, referring to my randomness.
"You have a point." Tori laughs. "I like to think I had a better idea than most people."
"That's probably true." I admit, and then let out a deep breath.
"Cat, like I said, you don't have to-"
"No it's fine. I should get comfortable talking about it, right?" I claim. Tori gives me a sad smile. "Can we go to the park? The one with the lake in it. Since it's such a nice day." I request.
"That sounds really nice." Tori agrees as she heads off to the park.
"Well… where to start? It's been difficult, honestly." I admit. "I've never really… experienced this kind of feeling before, you know?" I sigh.
"You'll grow stronger in time. It's only the second day. You already seem really strong, despite everything." Tori says.
"I guess, when I'm around supportive people." I give Tori a pointed look. "But when I'm alone… I'm filled with… rage, disgust, vulnerability, guilt… self-loathing." I rhyme off, starting to tremble a bit.
"Aw, Cat… Those feelings are probably normal in this situation. But I really hope you don't hate yourself for what he did to you." Tori reasoned.
"I know he was in the wrong… And I should know that there was nothing I could've done. But… I keep thinking, what if I hadn't worn a skirt? What if I carried pepper spray around with me? Why didn't I see the signs? Why was I so naïve? … You know, the normal preventative stuff." I ramble. Tori lets out a shuddered breath.
"I know it probably doesn't mean much hearing it now, but you need to keep reminding yourself it wasn't your fault." Tori advises.
"I'm trying. It's just all I can think about now. I keep replaying the whole thing in my head. Not that I have much choice on that…" I mutter.
"Are you getting flashbacks?" Tori asks.
"Mhm. All the time. Especially when people touch me, now. The doctor yesterday – he thinks I might have some sort of restrictive tendencies toward the human touch now." I explain.
"I sort of noticed that yesterday. But you seemed okay sometimes, like when you held my hand and we hugged." Tori notes.
"I seem to be fine if I can brace myself and give myself a reality check. Also if it's not… a sensitive area." I mumble.
"It's another bridge to cross. Hopefully you'll get it figured out." Tori sighs.
"Me too." I nod. "Plus, my whole body still hurts. Especially my face." I say, referring to my bruised body. "It's worse today, isn't it?" I ask.
"Well, the colouring of your face is a little… off. But the swelling has gone down quite a bit. Which is good. I was worried that you wouldn't be able to see through your left eye the way it was going." Tori describes.
"Yep, ice does wonders. Can't do much about the blueberry-pie-in-the-face look though." I sigh.
"As delicious as that sounds, I'm sure it'll heal soon." Tori assures me.
"I hope so." I say. We pull up into the parking lot of the park and Tori pays for a ticket for a few hours. We start walking down the pathway silently. I'm staying close to her, but not too close. I don't want to have a freak out if we simply brush arms. "There's something else…" I start slowly.
"What is it?" Tori asks. We turn down a path running parallel with the lake. There are ducks and geese littered around the shoreline and kids playing and couples having a lovely day. It's a nice atmosphere and it makes me happy. It makes this easier to talk about.
"It might seem silly, but… this whole thing makes me feel worthless." I breathe out.
"Cat, don't feel like that!" Tori gasps.
"I can't help it. I mean. This guy - someone I trusted – turned out to only want me for my body. That's all I was to him. A piece of meat. If I hadn't of gotten away, he would've just discarded me when he was done. Like a candy wrapper. Garbage." I stop walking and stare down at the concrete path, tears filling my eyes. "Where does that put my worth as a person?"
The tips of Tori's shoes come into my vision, so I'm aware she's standing right in front of me. "I can't stress this enough, Cat, but that was one sick dude. He compared the female body to a game. He made it sound as if you were some sort of prize to be won. But Cat-" Tori pauses her tirade. "I… want to tip your chin up to look at me now."
Despite how I'm feeling, I release a small smile. "Go ahead." I say. I see her hand reach out slowly, and she gently places my chin between her thumb and forefinger, pushing my head up. My glistening eyes meet her determined ones. She lets out a breath.
"But Cat," She begins again, "Don't ever think that that is all you're worth. You are amazing in so many ways. You brighten up a room just by entering it. Your voice – singing or talking or laughing – fills the birds with jealously. You can even tame a beast like Jade with your personality. And you're beautiful to boot, in way more ways than just physical. This guy… He was in the wrong. He was blind and didn't get the full picture. He missed out. And in some ways, I almost pity him for that." Tori rants. Tears are streaming fully down my face now. No one's ever said something like this to me. "And you mean a lot to me, Cat. And so many others. So never think you're worthless. Okay?"
I can only manage a nod as I bite my trembling lip. She lets me collect myself for a moment. Once I do, I burst out into a smile and grab her hand, quickly dragging her along behind me.
"Whoa, where are we going?" She laughs.
"My favourite spot in the park!" I giggle, still tacking her along. I pull her down a fair ways until we reach the spot where a collection of large rocks are gathered, jutting out into the water. I start to head towards it when I feel some restraint from Tori's end.
"No way! Are you planning on bringing me out there? I'll slip and fall and die!" Tori cries. I turn to her with a pout.
"But Toooori! You've fallen forty feet and fought a gorilla before!" I whine.
"Yeah! The latter of which ended with me having two broken arms!" Tori complains.
"And an awesome audition." I point out. I move a little closer to her, giving her the saddest eyes I can muster. "Please Tori? For me?"
"Fine." Tori huffs.
"Yay!" I cheer, grabbing her hand again and leading her over the rocks. It takes a while, since I was moving slowly for Tori's sake. Plus, at one point she slipped and grabbed onto my waist, causing me to have a mini panic attack. After some deep breathing and a load of apologies from Tori, we finally get to the last rock and sit ourselves down.
"That wasn't so bad." Tori says nervously.
"Could've been worse." I agree. We both look over the water and how it sparkles in the sunlight. The movement of the water moving against the rocks provides a rhythmical light smacking sound. I feel a gentle breeze lift up under my hair, and I know the journey had been worth it.
"I have to admit… it is really nice out here. Peaceful." Tori sighs.
"Right?" I say, tilting my head back and closing my eyes.
"Kind of smells like fish and seaweed, though." Tori chuckles. I turn to look at her and see that she has wrinkled her nose.
"I love the smell. It reminds me of my childhood." I reminisce.
"Were you a seagull as a child?" Tori jokes.
"No, silly. That'd be impossible." I giggle. "I used to come out here all the time when I was younger, with my brother." I recall.
"That's so nice." Tori says.
"Yeah… it was. We would have picnics with my parents. And they would get me to sing. And my brother would help me feed the squirrels and the birds… I love this park. Full of good memories." I explain.
"Like your happy place." Tori concludes.
"Exactly." I affirm. We sit there in silence for a while, simply taking in the sights and enjoying one another's company. Eventually, Tori breaks the silence.
"Oh, the gang wants to hang out in two days… go to Karaoke Dokie then head to my house for candy poker." Tori reveals.
"Sounds like fun." I smile.
"If you don't want to… you know. If you need some time…" Tori starts.
"I'd love to join in. I want to see all my friends." I grin. She grins back.
"Okay, I'll let everyone know you're coming." Tori informs me.
"I'm looking forward to it." I say. "So, what's your happy place?" I ask. Tori thinks for a moment.
"I guess… as strange as it sounds, Hollywood Arts. I never thought school would be my happy place but it really changed my life and opened me up." Tori admits.
"That's poetic." I giggle.
"Yeah, yeah. You love it, too." Tori retorts.
"It's true. It's the best school." I agree. We continued to talk on that rock until the sun started to set. That's when I hear my ring tone. I pull my Pear Phone out of my pocket.
"Hey, you got your phone back." Tori notes.
"Mhm." I smile before tapping a button and holding the phone to my ear. "Hello?"
"Cat? Where are you?" Comes the voice of my worried mother. Uh oh.
"I'm fine, mom. I'm at the Lakeside Park with Tori. We're just hanging out." I explain.
"I've been worried sick. I thought they incarcerated you at the station. Or maybe you wandered off on your own. You should've called." My mom exasperates.
"I'm sorry… I'll come home now. How did you know I had my phone back, anyway?" I ask.
"Hmm? Phone back? Honestly, I didn't know it was ever gone." She admits. "You can explain later. I have dinner ready. Make sure you get home before it gets cold." My mom scolds.
"I will. Love you, mom." I sigh.
"Love you too, sweetheart."
I end the call and turn to Tori. "My mom wants me home now." I explain.
"Okay, might as well start making the trek back to land now." Tori stands up, stretching.
"Good idea. And yeah, compliments of your dad." I say, standing up and waving my phone in her face.
"He could get in a lot of trouble for that." She snickers.
"I know." I blush. Then I lift my hand to my mouth in realization. "Oh no! He told me not to tell anyone!"
"Your secret's safe with me. Trust me." Tori laughs. I smile in relief. Of course Tori wouldn't snitch on her dad. We held each other's hand once again for support as we made it across the rocks. "I get my phone back tonight. My dad said they'd have ripped the audio recording from it by then."
"I kind of wish that recording didn't exist, but I know it's important, so… I'm glad it does." I sigh. Tori nods in her agreement. Luckily, it took less time and less panic attacks to complete our mission across the rocks.
We walked back to the parking lot together, which somehow ended up with us skipping and singing Broadway songs until we arrived at the car. God, only Tori could make me feel so cheerful after everything. My house wasn't far from the park, so it was a short drive.
"So, I'll see you in two days?" Tori checks.
"Yep." I affirm.
"I'll pick you up." Tori offers.
"No, I'll pick you up. I'll wrestle the car from my parents, somehow. You've been driving me around too much lately." I argue.
"Alright, if you insist." She chuckles. "Brace yourself for a hug?"
"Already braced." I smile opening my arms wide. We move in close and share a warm embrace. An image of Derek smothered all over me briefly flashes through my mind and I tense up, so I make it quick. "Bye, Tori." I whisper, pulling way.
"Bye Cat. Have a good night." Tori says.
"You too!" I call back, skipping into the house. I couldn't tell if my parents were surprised or worried about my blatant cheerfulness.
I'm practically hyper-ventilating. The images of yet another night terror is still fresh in my head, and my throat is raw from screaming. Drenched in cold sweat, reality starts to flood back into my blurry vision. I'm sitting up, the light is on in my room and my exhausted parents are standing at the edge of my bed.
"Cat? It's alright. Are you feeling okay?" My mom asks softly. I simply nod. My dad turns to my mom.
"This is the third night in a row that she's woke up screaming from a dream. How long is this going to go on for?" My dad yawns. I feel guilty. I know he's sympathetic but I'm sure this isn't easy for them either.
"I don't know." My mom sighs. "Honey, are they getting any better?" My mom asks me.
"No." I admit. Maybe even worse. Since he can't have me in reality, it's like he must now torture me in my sleep. It makes no logical sense, but he still has a hold on me in my dreams. I don't like sleeping anymore.
"We should call Lane Alexander in the morning about setting up an appointment. Maybe they can figure this out together." My dad suggests.
"Would that be okay with you, Cat? If we call Mr. Alexander tomorrow?" My mom asks. I give a nod. Oh yeah, tomorrow.
"By the way," I croak out. They look at me surprised. Last night I didn't want to talk at all after the nightmare. "I'm hanging out with my friends-" I look at the clock. 3:38am. "-this coming night. And I want to borrow mom's car." I request. My parents stare at me.
"Cat, you know it has to be a special occasion for you to get the car." My mom explains.
"But, please? I feel bad for my friends driving me everywhere, and I really don't want to burden them… I also want the option to leave whenever I want, if I feel it's… too hard. But I really want to try to get back to normalcy. My friends could help." I plead pitifully. Maybe it's a bit manipulative to beg in my current state, but I think I have good points. My mom never wants to give up the car. Even if she's staying in for the night, she likes knowing she could go out if she wanted to.
"Alright, honey. You can borrow the car. Don't make a habit of it, though." My mom sighs.
"Thanks, mom." I break into a big smile. This seems to satisfy them.
"We're going back to bed now. Do you need anything else other than a car?" My dad asks.
"Nope. The car is good." I say.
"Great. Try to get some sleep, now." He yawns again, and my parents turn off my light and leave the room. I curl up into my covers and try to get some sleep. But I know I won't. I can never sleep after a night terror.
Knock knock knock
The door swings open revealing Trina Vega. She looks at me in surprise.
"Oh, hi Cat." She says.
"Hi, Trina!" I smile. She again looks surprised but collects herself.
"Are you here for Tori?" She asks.
"Yep." I confirm.
"Great. TORI! CAT'S AT THE DOOR!" Trina screams up. I hear a faint "coming!" from somewhere in the house. We stand there silently for a moment. "So… I've wanted to talk to you about something." Trina starts.
"Really? About what?" I ask innocently.
"Well, I just want to apologize. I mean, for that time weeks ago when I was inappropriate in asking you questions about your private life. It wasn't my place. And now after what's happened, I feel even worse." Trina explains. Now I'm in shock. Trina feels sorry? This is a little out of character for her. I do feel a bit embarrassed with her knowing everything, but I guess living in a house-hold where half the residents are deeply involved, it's probably expected.
"It's okay, Trina. I forgive you." I state.
"I can make it up to you, though." Trina proclaims. I tilt my head in confusion.
"Really? How?" I question. She suddenly thrusts a signed picture of herself in front of my face. The picture is signed "Jackie Bonet/Trina Vega".
"By giving you my autograph, of course!" She exclaims. I take the picture hesitantly.
"Thank… you?" I say uneasily. This is more Trina-like.
"Oh you are very welcome. Keep that. It'll be worth a lot someday." She winks.
"Trina, stop torturing the poor girl." Tori snaps as she appears from behind Trina.
"Whatever. I was only apologizing. No one appreciates good behaviour!" Trina flips her hair, marching back into the house. Tori shakes her head, taking the picture and throwing it back in the house.
"Soooo… hi Cat." She laughs.
"Hi Tori!" I giggle.
"Your face looks all cleared up." She notes with surprise.
"Oh, the bruising is still there. It's just faint enough now that I can cover it with make-up. A lot of make-up." I explain, feeling the large amount of cakey mush on me. I won't be able to touch my face all night. "Ready to go?"
"Absolutely. Let's karaoke it up." Tori exclaims.
"Woo!" I cheer. As I'm driving us to the building, I notice in my peripheral vision that Tori is staring at me. I blush and glance over. "You're staring." I note. She suddenly jumps in surprise like she just realized what she was doing, then let's out a chuckle.
"I've just never seen you drive before." She explains.
"Is it that interesting?" I giggle.
"No. Well, yes. I like seeing your technique to not hit old ladies." Tori jokes. I let out a laugh.
"It's a gift I was born with, I guess." I chuckle.
"Aw, think I will learn?" Tori asks.
"With time." I smile. At a stoplight I let out a big yawn.
"Tired?" She asks.
"Yeah. I've only been getting about three or four hours of sleep a night the past few days." I admit.
"Oh, no. That's horrible." Tori frowns. "Is it 'cause of…?"
"Night terrors. Bad ones. I even keep waking my parents up." I mumble.
"I'm so sorry…" Tori expresses.
"It's not a big deal. They're just dreams, right? Horrifying dreams, but they can't hurt me." I insist.
"Just your sleep schedule." Tori notes.
"Yeah, well I'm going to see Lane about maybe sorting out everything and hopefully cut back on the bad dreams." I explain.
"I think that's a great idea. Plus, your hands will never be dry if you keep seeing him." Tori comments.
"I know, right?" I giggle. We arrive at Karaoke Dokie, and apparently we're the last ones to get there. We walk in and a big smile is plastered on my face as I see my friends sitting at a table.
"Hey guys!" I greet them excitedly.
"Hey Lil Red!" Andre calls out.
"Cat!" Robbie exclaims, standing up and going in for a hug. I start to panic.
"Gottapee." I rush out, pushing past him to run to the washroom, leaving a disgruntled Robbie. I feel horrible, but I had no time to brace myself. And it sounds wrong, but I don't think I'm ready to be touched by a male at all, yet. I mean, I don't want to end up curled on the floor trembling. My friends know I can be eccentric, but that would deserve some form of explanation. Luckily, I need to go anyway.
I remerge from the bathroom to see Robbie still pouting. I feel a pang of guilt. I've shut him down before and run away, but not for something as simple as a hug. I don't want to hurt the people around me I care about the most like this. I sit down next to Tori, who gives me a perplexed look. I give her a smile and she smiles back. Beck shakes a basket in front of me.
"Buffalo nuggets?" Beck offers.
"Yay! I love nuggets of buffalo!" I exclaim grabbing one.
"You know they're not made of buffalo, right?" Jade asks. I freeze before taking a bite.
"They're not? Oh my god! What are they made of!?" I gasp. Jade rolls her eyes.
"Just chicken, Cat." Tori chuckles.
"That's false advertising." I pout. After eating our misleading food, we sing some karaoke. After we had been banned, the regulars of the place signed a petition to let me and Jade come back to sing because they enjoyed it so much. We got an astounding amount of signatures, so the owner and his snooty daughter had no choice. That's why I had been able to sing L.A. Boyz with Tori a while back. And now, I'm singing with her again.
"Say, won't you say forever." I sing.
"Stay, if you stay forever." Tori sings the next line.
"Hey, we can stay forever young. YEAH!" I hit the high note and everyone cheers as Tori heads into the chorus.
"Singin' Radiohead at the top of our lungs!"
"With the boom box blaring as we're falling in love." I glance at Tori with a smile.
"Got a bottle of whatever but let's get in this truck singin'-"
"Here's to never growing up!" Our voices mesh together during the line, me harmonizing with her. She continues the next line alone.
"We'll be running down the street yelling kiss my-"
"Hey!" I gasp, censoring her like I had the last few choruses.
"I'm like yeah whatever we're still living like that!" Tori sings as she makes a snapping motion towards me, grinning.
"When the suns goin' down we'll be raising our cups singin'-"
"Here's to never growing up!" Our voices harmonize together once again.
"Oh-whoa! Oh-whoa!" I sing.
"Here's to never growing up!" Tori adds.
"Oh-whoa! Oh-whoa!" I repeat.
"Raise your glasses now! Here's to never growing up!" Tori belts out.
"Oh-whoa! Oh-whoa!" I try to match her in vocal power.
"Here's to never growing up!" Tori has a large, addictive smile on her face. You can tell she's a performer.
"And no we're never growing up!" I exclaim. We finish the last part off together.
"Oh-whoa! Oh-whoa! HERE'S TO NEVER GROWING UP!"
Tori and I high five and laugh as the place roars in applause. Giggling, we leave the stage.
"That was Tori Vega and Cat Valentine, pumping up the place with this year's summer anthem, Here's to Never Growing Up by Avril Lavigne!" The DJ announces as the place erupts in applause again. Jade rolls her eyes and drags a surprised Beck onto the stage. She grabs one of the microphones.
"Yeah that was great." Jade drawls sarcastically. "Hey, babe, why don't we show those posers up?" She smirks. The place resounds in an "ohhh!" at the challenge.
"Uh, sure?" Beck shrugs. Jade turns to the DJ.
"Number sixty-two." She requests.
The DJ cues it up and starts to introduce, "Alright! Looks like we're going to go dark and powerful here for a moment! These two must really have-"
"Get on with it!" Jade snaps. The DJ jumps and plays the music. Bring Me to Life by Evanescence came on and we enjoyed their performance. Her and Beck really make a good team. I wouldn't say they showed me and Tori up, but you know, they were pretty good.
"That's how it's done." Jade sighs in satisfaction, sitting down.
"Good job, Jade and Beck." I grin.
"Hey, how's your boyfriend, um… Derek." Beck asks. My smile falls and I feel Tori tense beside me.
"We're not together anymore." I state in monotone. Robbie chokes on his drink as the table stares at me.
"Why? What happened? You two seemed to be getting on pretty good." Andre comments.
"Yeah, well I guess not as much as I would've hoped." I sigh. I hesitate, and then add, "He cheated on me." It's not a complete lie. He said he had slept with a bunch of other girls while he was "dating" me. Jade stands up suddenly.
"I'll kill him." She growls. "Where does he live? I'll strangle him with my bare hands. Or barbed wire." She hisses, starting to storm away but is held back by Beck.
"You don't have to!" I cry over her rage.
"Oh I sure as hell do. He deserves what's coming to him." Jade snaps.
"Yeah but it's okay! I already broke his nose." I admit. Jade stops struggling and looks at me in pleasant surprise along with everyone else's shocked look.
"Did you really break his nose?" Tori gasps. I beam and nod. Maybe this is confidential information, but I don't care. I'm proud of what I did. Like Jade said, he deserved it. He deserves a lot worse.
"Wow, never knew you had it in you." Jade smirks sitting down, seemingly appeased.
"He was a jerk, Cat. You deserve way better." Robbie states. He seems to have forgiven me now for not hugging him.
"Thanks, Robbie." I smile. "Can we talk about something else?"
"Absolutely. So, how 'bout them Lakers?" Andre offers the conversation. The boys start engaging in conversation while Tori and Jade pull out their phones. I sit there patiently until Tori gives me a gentle nudge. I look over to see her waggling her phone near her lap. I pull mine out to see a text from her. Why didn't she just verbalize to me?
Are you not going to tell them?
Oh, that's why. She has a good reason for asking. I mean, my closest friends should be let in on something this big, right? Especially if it means I can avoid situations where feelings get hurt, like avoiding hugging Robbie. He wouldn't have attempted if he knew the truth about the end of me and Derek.
I'm not ready to tell them yet. What if they act weird around me? I send, nudging Tori back.
Maybe they would for a bit, but they'd learn how to cope eventually. Every person at this table cares about you, Cat :)
I smile a bit at that.
You're probably right. But I'm still going to hold off a while. My parents are upset. You're upset. I want to limit the amount of people upset about my situation in waves. After I send the text, I lace my fingers with Tori's under the table. She reads the text a sent and gives my hand a gentle squeeze. I guess that means she understands. Suddenly, my phone lights up again. This time, it's Jade.
Why didn't you tell me about the break up? The text reads. I feel bad. Jade should've been one of the first people to know. After-all, she's also been super supportive the past month or so. I reluctantly release Tori's hand to reply.
Sorry! My mind's been pretty occupied. I admit.
Fine. I forgive you. Just this once. Jade sends back. I get another one a second later. If you need to talk about it, don't hesitate to ask. And then, a third one, Just as long as it doesn't take up too much of my time.
I smile at the phone. Typical Jade, trying to act like she doesn't care. Thanks, Jadey :) I send. Jade glares at me across the table.
Don't call me that.
I let out a chuckle and put my phone away. I want to hold Tori's hand again, but I guess that moment has passed. I mean, I still have to be careful. That "problem" is still around. I don't know, though. I guess my idea of a relationship is kind of misconstrued right now.
And now my ears hurt. In fact, everyone at the table winces. We're consumed by this horrible wailing sound that sounds like a bunch of cats on a breaking train. And not me kind of cats. I mean the animal. We glance around and see a girl trying to hit the notes on a challenging song. We look at each other.
"Candy poker at my place?" Tori shouts over the noise.
"Let's do it." Andre exclaims. We all jump up and flee the establishment to escape the noise.
"I raise you… five sour keys, and a Milkyway." Jade says confidently. We stare at her offer.
"I'm out." Robbie claims, slapping down his cards. We all follow suit.
"Ha, suckers. I was bluffing." Jade smirks, pulling a pile of candy towards her. We all groan. There go my Fuzzy Peaches.
"So, who here is taking the directing intensive at school in August?" Beck asks.
"Oh, I am." Robbie says.
"Same here." Andre agrees.
"Yep." Jade chimes in, admiring her candy pile.
"What directing intensive?" Tori asks. I nod in agreement. This is the first time I've heard of it.
"It's a month long in August. You learn the ins and outs of directing, and are given the chance to write and direct a small play in a challenging way. Apparently it also involves acting and production design as well. It gives you one credit so that in our senior year, we get a free period. I think it's a pretty good deal." Beck explains.
"That sounds like fun!" I exclaim. I would take any excuse to go back to Hollywood Arts early. By the look on Tori's face, I'm pretty sure she would as well.
"Sign me up." Tori proclaims.
"Me too!" I agree.
"Great, the gangs all together on this." Andre grins.
"Joy." Jade grumbles, looking at Tori. Tori shoots her an incredulous look.
"Just hand in an application form to Helen before the end of the week." Beck informs. Then Tori's mom walks in with a cocktail glass with some sort of white slushie drink in it.
"Mom," Tori groans, "You need to stop drinking while my friends are over."
"I'm not drinking, honey. This is a virgin cocktail." Her mom shrugs, heading out to the patio. Tori just sighs.
"Why do they call it a virgin cocktail anyway?" Robbie asks. I freeze. Virgin?
"Why are you asking? You should know all about what it means to be a virgin." Jade jeers.
"Hey!" Robbie gasps. Rex just laughs. I know what it means to be a virgin…
"Jade, that was rude. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin." Tori scolds.
And I'm not…
"I know, I was just teasing." Jade rolls her eyes. "Take a joke."
"Uh, Lil Red don't look too good." Andre points out. I'm staring straight ahead, wide-eyed and I'm starting to breathe deeply.
"Cat-" Tori starts in a panicked voice, realizing what had triggered my response.
"Gottapee." I exclaim again, dashing away from the table.
"Man, that girl has a bladder the size of a walnut…" I hear Andre comment as I run up the stairs into the Vega's bathroom. I shut the door behind me and lean against the door, trying to breathe. I'm starting to realize this was a bad place to hide. This is where I was when I was being cleaned up. Right after it happened. Right after…
My innocence was lost.
I stumble forward to the sink, staring the mirror at my flushed face. I try to keep it together, but I'm losing hold. I can see remnants of the bruises through my make-up, if I look close. I feel sick to my stomach. I debate just collapsing to the ground and giving in to the overwhelming shame, or just vomiting in the toilet. I end up collapsing on the ground. I'm shaking, practically hyperventilating, and sweating. My vision blurs. I'm on the verge of losing myself.
"Cat? Cat, are you okay?" I hear Tori call, knocking on the door. I'm too panicked to answer. "Cat?! Are you in there? Please answer." I can tell she's getting nervous, but I'm clinging to her voice like my life depends on it. "I'm coming in, okay?" She announces. Okay.
She walks in and gasps at my sorry state. She quickly closes the door and kneels in front of me. "Oh my god, Cat…" She sighs with sadness and concern. I try to calm my breathing.
"I'm not a…" I barely gasp out.
"Cat…" She sighs again. I can tell she's at a loss. She wants to comfort me but she can't touch me. So, she tries to with her eyes. I stare into those deep pools of concern found in her irises. It helps, a little. I let out a shuddered breath.
"I didn't even think about that. How I'm not… that's supposed to be something special, right Tori? We talked about it. How we'd wait and give it to someone who deserved it. Now I can't. Now that I'm not… a virgin." I choke out the last part, tears filling my eyes.
"Maybe not, in some people's eyes… but I still consider you a virgin." Tori states. My jaw clenches. I'm almost frustrated with her for teasing me like this.
"How could you? That's how it works. Things were... broken. You saw the blood. In this very room." I argue, my shoulders starting to be wracked with sobs.
"Biologically, sure. But that part can get ruptured in other ways. I hear it happens a lot in horseback riding." Tori rambles. I give her a confused look. She's sounding like me. "Sorry, not the point. Listen, I feel virginity is more than people say it is. I feel like it's… a gift. A gift for someone else and yourself. It's sharing a deeply intimate moment for the first time, in a way where you, in a sense, bare all to someone you love willingly because you want to share it." Tori explains. I look at her in awe.
"So, it's more than the physical action. To me, anyway." Tori continues. "You didn't give anyone your virginity, Cat. It was forcefully taken away. Which is absolutely horrible and shouldn't happen to anyone, let alone someone like you. But, you still have something he couldn't take. The chance to have that connection of mutual understanding fueled by a passion for each other, littered around with nervousness, curiosity and not knowing what goes where. You still have that to give. And I think that's more important. No one can take that from you, Cat. It's only something you can give, as a gift." Tori finishes.
"Tori…" I breathe out. She worded it so beautifully. It was hard for me not to believe. The next thing I knew, I was leaping on her, my arms wrapped around her neck and burying my head into the crook of her neck. The force of the impact causes her to fall back onto the floor, leaning back with her arms behind her, propping herself up. She sits there for a moment, not knowing how to react. I snuggle into her more, trying to tell her it's okay. Getting the message, she hesitates for a moment before slowly and lightly putting her arms around me.
The constricted feeling hits fast. Even though I know it's Tori's body, I keep picturing Derek trying to take what Tori says he can't. I tense up, gritting my teeth trying to push that feeling out. I'm not going to let it ruin this moment. The image of Derek thrusting into me pops into my mind and I let out a small hiss. I know she hears it.
"A-are you okay?" Tori's voice is shaky and uncertain. I can feel her breath against the side of my face. Tori's breath. The sign that she's living. That she's here. I relax a little.
"Mhm." I murmur.
"Aren't you getting flashbacks?" She asks.
"Yeah." I admit, gritting my teeth again.
"How are you fighting them off?" Tori whispers. I pause for a moment.
"…I'm telling them 'not now'." I state, giving her a squeeze. She gently rests her head on mine, and now I'm flashing back to the night of the Northridge graduation dance, when I was dancing with Tori. One of my favourite memories.
I still feel constricted, but I'm relaxed. We stay like that for a few minutes. I'm so entangled in her breath. The way it feels brushing against my cheek. How it tickles my ear. How her body expands with each inhale of the life giving oxygen. It's beautiful. I'm still so into her. I even start to drift off into sleep.
"Cat…" She mutters.
"Mmm?" I stir slightly, being pulled from unconsciousness.
"We should go back downstairs… Our friends are still down there." She sighs. Her hold on me loosens. This both relieves and irritates me. It's like my mind is at war with itself.
"Yeah… you're right." I yawn, pulling away from her. We slowly stand up. I feel weak again, and I supress another yawn. Having a semi-break down and fighting off my psychological problems seems to take a lot out of me.
"You feel better?" Tori asks, opening the door.
"Loads. I'm just exhausted. I think I'll head home now, if that's okay with you." I tell her. She looks sad but she smiles anyway.
"Okay, I understand." Tori says. We head downstairs and everyone turns to look at us.
"About time." Andre quips.
"I know girls go to the washroom together a lot, but going together at home is just ridiculous." Rex jeers.
"I told you, I needed to go too. It was a coincidence." Tori argues.
"I'm heading out everyone. Byyyee!" I call out, heading to the door.
"But Cat, what about your candy?" Robbie asks. I give a tired shrug.
"Jade can have it."
I leave the house hearing a collective gasp from everyone and a "yesss!" from Jade.
Author's Notes: Yeah, Cat just turned down candy. Poor girl. I would hug her if she wasn't having such a rough time with that. But she seems to be braving it for Tori. Speaking of, poor Tori as well. How must she feel? I mean, I know... I swear I love Cat and Tori. I don't hate them. I don't want them to be miserable forever. SOON, GUYS. SOON.
Just wanted to remind you all that there's a box down there where you can write all kinds of words about this story. Positive words... Critical words... I accept them all. Unless it's nonconstructive criticism. What can I do with that? But positive reviews help too. Last night, I didn't feel like writing at all. Then my phone told me I got a review for chapter 10. It was a very nice review (you rock!) and I immediately wrote one of my favourite scenes for a later chapter. So yeah! It helps! So do it, if it doesn't put you out too much.
Fun Fact: I tried to Google a park with a lake in it around the Hollywood/L.A. area... None! So the one in here is made up, but it's based off several watery areas that I've been to near where I live. One of which is in Stratford, Ontario. For Bieber fans, that's where he grew up. For Shakespeare fans, that's where Shakespeare is performed all the time by pro actors!