Author's Note:

Third chapter of the 3-chapter update :)

I'll try to get chapter 13 up soon; we'll see how it goes.

Okay, this is gunna sound very cliched, my friend, but you know in those movies when something really big happens the main character's world just kind of go really quiet?

Yeah, that's what happened to me. Just now.

Not that you should be surprised, since Juli Baker is involved.

It's hard to describe how I felt when I saw her. Robbie was telling me something that happened in the locker room some other day, and I was looking around for my water bottle. My gaze passes through a crack in the wall that is my teammates, and boom!

There she is. Juli Baker.

For the first split second, I guess I was happy. Or I thought I was happy. Maybe I'd been too shocked to feel anything. But then I see her smile and feelings come rushing back into me, and that's when I know I'm happy. It kind of shamed me that it wasn't me who apologized to her first, that I had to wait for her to come to the hospital before doing anything, but more than that, I'm just really glad she's here. I even want to shoo out all the people and just talk to her. I realize I really miss her — not just as, you know, the girl that I like, but as a friend too. I miss having someone to talk to.

However — yes, there's always got to be that however, isn't there? — Jeremy Adams had to be talking to her.

Earlier, when I was introducing my team, I was wrong about the only sophomores being me, Castinon, Michaelson, and Bisho. There is one more sophomore on the team, and that's Jeremy Adams… Jeremy 'the asskisser' Adams. You get the idea; he's not too popular in the team.

To be honest, he plays okay soccer. Not good, but not horrible (no idea how he got on the team though). But he just, I dunno. He annoys me. He talks way too much, and he tries to hang out with me and the other guys because he thinks we're all sophomores and we should hang together. And he's a player — I won't say I hate them, but I definitely look down on playboy type guys. Girls deserve to be treated better.

And of course there's the incident about a week ago where I found out that Juli has been crushing on him for a couple of months. Naturally, after our fight, my opinion of Jeremy plummeted to unprecedented depths. Call me a chauvinistic pighead, but I can't help but think of Jeremy as someone who stole Juli from me (as if she were mine to begin with).

Juli was smiling, timidly. There's the unmistakable flush in her face and I look at her sparkling brown eyes and that's when all that, you know, go-quiet thing happened. It's like Robbie's voice just fades into the din of the background, and then even that fades into a dull murmur. If I had to describe how I felt, confused would be the best word.

Why is she blushing and smiling? Well she does have a crush on the guy so that's natural. Why is she even here? Didn't she come here to visit me? What are they talking about?

Juli senses something then, and she looks up. Straight into my eyes. I shiver and look away to Jeremy.

Do you know how much I hate him now? He's like, Lucifer, or something, luring innocent people into eating weird fruits. Lucifer is supposed to have golden hair too anyway. A rational part of me tells myself that it's not his fault that the girl I've liked for the past three years happens to be enamored with him, but you know what? I really, really don't care. I will punch him if he touches her one more time.

It's as if all the past week of loneliness without Juli there beside me, all the regret and the turmoil of trying to go up to apologize, all that's going on with my family… It's like all of those negative feelings are channeled and gathered here at once and directed to the blond boy standing there in the corner of the room. I can feel my breathing quicken.

I imagine Granddad's calm voice.

You're losing it, Bryce. Calm down. Look away. What was Robbie talking about? Don't think about them. You don't want to be like your father, do you?

Taking a deep breath, I tear my eyes away and go back to chatting with Robbie. The kid didn't even notice I got distracted.

I do my best to not think about Juli for the rest of the team's visit, but it's hard. I mean, I have been thinking about her for the past two years already, and especially for the past week, so stopping now is not really possible, but I try anyway.

I don't have to try for a long time, though, because it's not three minutes since I saw her that Juli suddenly appears in front of me.

"Bryce!" she says. She sounds frantic, or that may just be me.

"Hi." I say as I look up. I don't say anything for a few seconds, and then: "Done with Jeremy over there?"

Okay, that was un-called for. It was mean and coated in sarcasm and right away I want to take it back, but I couldn't help myself. I search tentatively for any signs of shock or anger in Juli.

Juli appears to have expected this, though, and her response is immediate. "Bryce, it's not how you think it is!" she says in a rush. "Honestly!"

How I think it is? What do I think it is? I don't really know any more. At least my sarcastic comment about Jeremy hadn't made her angry.

"How I think it is? Probably… not?" I answer uncertainly.

There are a million words stuck in me and I can't get them out. It's like when you eat fish and a bone gets stuck in your throat. I want to tell her I'm sorry for yelling at her a week ago, for insulting her, but I'm too confused now. I want to tell her I miss her but the whole team's here! I want to tell her to stop talking to Jeremy but, of course, Jeremy is also here.

I want to tell her I love her, but hey. Couldn't do it for the past two years, not gonna do it now.

"Absolutely not!" she repeats hurriedly. "I mean, it's absolutely not how you think it is."

It's all a bit much. My head is spinning like stirred up water. Me, her, Jeremy, everyone. I actually feel dizzy.

"Listen, Juli, let's just save this—"

"Bryce! Really! I'm just, there's nothing between me and Jer—"

"Okay, I hear you, but can we talk la—"

"We were just talking about our project, and—"

She looks so nervous and agitated I suddenly want to kiss her. Not just a friendly kiss on the cheek, but one on the mouth. I take a deep breath to try to clear my head.

"Will you stay?"

"—and I know you don't like him so I would never… Huh?"

"Will you stay. Will you stay here until the team leaves?"

"Wha— Of course I will! I came here just to see—"

"Okay, let's talk after that. But stay. Please."

I try to not sound too pathetic. I really have to talk to her, but not now, not when my mind is a mess. I still desperately want her here, though. I've been wanting her here for a whole week.

"But I need to explain to you that —"

"I know, me too, I… Just stay. We can talk afterward. Is… is that alright?"

She looks like she's about to say something and for a second I'm afraid she might say she has to go after all, but then she nods and starts to walk back to the edge of the room. I turn back to Robbie, who finally notices something and is scanning between me and Juli with a thoughtful look.

"What?" I ask gruffly.

"There's something going on here isn't there?"

"Nope."

"There so is. You guys had a fight or something?"

"Nope. You imagined it."

"Wow. I never, ever thought you and Baker would get in a fi—"

"So what happened to Michelle after you said that to her?"

"… You really don't want to tell me about the fight, huh?"

"There is no fight." I stare at him, daring him to ask more. Robbie is a good friend, most of the time, except he's too curious.

He glances back towards Juli, who is now leaning against the wall, reading something (I couldn't help but glance back too).

Good. She's alone. No Jeremy.

I turn back quickly as if afraid of getting caught. Robbie looks at me, at her, and back at me. Finally, his shoulders sag, admitting defeat, and he starts his story about Michelle again.

Thank god.

ooo

The team leaves in about twenty minutes, much to the relief of the nurses on duty. As they say goodbye to me, I find myself staring at Jeremy, trying to decipher what's so good about him. His looks, I decide finally, cause there's certainly nothing good about his soccer, his personality, or his reputation.

After everyone left, things are suddenly more tense and awkward.

I avoid looking at Juli. It's now so quiet that I'm hyper-aware of her presence, just to the side of the room. In the cold air, I could almost feel her radiating heat, but of course that's my imagination.

I hear her shuffling footsteps as she walk toward the bed, and tense up.

I remind myself to calm down, laughing at my own nervousness. It's only Juli, I tell myself. Why are you scared of Juli?

She pulls up a chair, and sits down. But she doesn't speak.

I finally lift my head to look at her. She's been staring at me this whole time and the abrupt movement makes our gazes lock together. I blush out of nowhere and look away.

"Bryce, I…"

She pauses, as if waiting for me to say something.

Say what? I don't know what to say. My anger at Jeremy earlier has pretty much disappeared by now, and I'm left with a conflicting mixture of all sorts of emotions. I don't know what to say to her at all.

Wait. No. I do. I know what to say to her. I need to apologize.

I take a deep breath, and faintly hear Juli do the same.

I look up again, because though it may be awkward and embarrassing, I want to be looking right at her when I apologize, or it wouldn't count, somehow. She wouldn't think I'm sincere. I gaze into her honey-brown eyes and feel my resolve falter. I steel myself and say, with as much sincerity I could muster:

"I'm sorry." "I'm sorry."

Startled, we blink at each other.

And burst into laughter.

ooo

"I missed you," Juli says as she hugs me, tightly.

"Me too," I say into her hair. The familiar smell of her shampoo is tickling my nose. "I'm sorry I yelled at you."

"And I'm sorry I never came and visited you."

I shake my head. "It's not a big deal. You were here when the ambulance first took me here."

"Chet told you?"

"Yeah." I remember now my surprise at hearing that from Granddad, and how happy I'd been.

She pulls away and, reluctantly, I open my arms. She takes hold of both my hands and squeeze them together in hers. The afternoon sunlight has a faint tint of orange in it, being near evening, and that warm, slightly mischievous glint that I'm so used to seeing in her eyes shine forth like hidden embers.

They've got me mesmerized. Her eyes are so beautiful. She's still smiling, and that makes everything even more beautiful. I'm once again buffeted by the sudden, powerful urge to just grab her and kiss her.

"So, what were you trying to tell me like, twenty minutes ago?" I ask to distract myself.

"Huh? Oh. I was trying to tell you that I don't like Jeremy and we were talking for the history project thing."

"But… you do like him. Don't you? You flipped."

The dull ache in my head is back again, along with the anger towards the blond boy. It's not as intense, perhaps because Jeremy isn't here, but still unpleasant.

Juli stares at me. For some reason, I think she looks scared and frantic.

"Well, I do like him, like as a crush. But I want to stop, Bryce! I don't want to like him! That's why I told you about him the first place, when we were in the Café. I thought you could help me get over him."

At first I'm confused, because that's ridiculous. Why would anyone want to stop liking someone who they like? Is that even a matter of choice? Because for me, there's probably no way anything could make me stop liking Juli. Not even if she stopped hanging out with me for some other guy, or if she did something terrible to hurt me (not that she would ever do either of those things). I may not know myself very well, but I do know how much I care for her.

And then it occurs to me that Juli probably didn't want to like Jeremy in the first place. I've been giving her way too little credit — she's smart, smarter than I am, so no doubt she knows about his reputation and such. She knows that dating him would only hurt herself, and it makes sense that she'd want to get over him.

A new rush of apology fills me, because I'd been too hasty back at the Café. How selfish must I have seemed to her? I mean, I just started insulting her for something she has no control over, over a feeling she wants to get rid of, without even giving her a chance to explain. Geez. No wonder she's mad at me for a week — I deserved it.

I squeeze her hand.

"I'm sorry I didn't listen to you back then," I whisper. "I should've known better. I should've trusted your judgment."

Juli shrugs. "It's not like this is my choice. Plus, I can kind of understand why you were mad." She smiles. "I'd probably be the same if you told me you were dating, like, Simone Gildstein or someone like that."

I shudder. Simone Gildstein is a junior, and she is known for being slutty. She's like a dirtier — and older — version of Shelly Stalls, while having a lower criterion for people she sleeps with. I would never, ever get anywhere near her.

"I can't even imagine it," I say.

"It was just an example. But yeah, me neither. Ugh." She shudders.

"So… just the history project, huh?"

Juli nods so furiously I thought her neck would be hurt. "Yea, mhm. It was nothing, just the project. I know it's winter break but I don't know what's gotten into him. He says like, he messed up the last exam or something and Ms. Eckler wanted to give him a chance to replace the exam grade with this project's grade."

"What? How's that fair? You do all the work, he does nothing, and he gets your grade! On everything, too! There won't be an exam to drag him down."

"I know, it's not. But I told you how Eckler loves him, right?"

"So he's talking to you about the project?"

"Yeah he gave me a bunch of his ideas on how to make it better. All of them were crap."

I laugh. "You'll get over him in no time at this rate."

Juli blushes. "Actually, Bryce, I don't know about that. I'm gonna be honest. I really don't know if I can get over him. It's like, it's like, I can't stop thinking about him, and it's stupid. It's been four months!"

"I know what you mean," I blurt out. "I mean, the 'can't stop thinking about him' part. I know that feeling."

"Right?! It's so annoying. I wish I could control myself and—" Juli raises her eyebrows mid-sentence, as if struck by a sudden thought. "Wait a second. You do? How come I don't know about this?"

"Know about what?" I ask, confused.

"Know that you have a crush on a girl," Juli says with a smirk.

"Wh—What? Where'd you get that from?"

"You just said, you know how I feel about how I can't stop thinking about the person I'm crushing on. Doesn't that mean you have a crush?"

"Um…"

"Just say it. I wanna know! You've never dated anybody! I swear, It's like all the girls in school look ugly to you or something."

"Well, you don't date either!"

"And I plan to keep it that way. Plus, I've never had someone I liked enough to date."

"You like Jeremy," I point out, unable to completely mask over the spite in my voice. "Sorry. I know you'll never date him."

"Damn straight I never will. Anyway, don't try to distract me! Spill it out; who's your crush?"

I look at the mischievous smile on her face and the warm glow from her eyes, and feel my face grow hot. It's you! I want to say. It's always been you! I never dated any girl because they're all nothing compared to you! I like you! Hell, I fucking love you!

Instead, though, I just look away and laugh. Now that I know she doesn't like me, not in the way I like her, I would never confess to her and risk losing everything, even friendship. The status quo is as best as it's ever going to get.

"Who says it has to be now?" I reply. "I meant the whole thing as in two years ago, when I had a crush on you. I couldn't stop thinking about you back then — that's why I know how you feel towards Jeremy."

"Oh." Juli says, looking a bit disappointed. "Well, yeah. Man, you were completely nuts back then! I remember the booster club auction, you looked so adorable, but afterwards it was like you went crazy! …"

And on she goes, delving into the embarrassing past. I only half listen; the other half of me is busy reprimanding myself for what an idiot I was, for letting the whole thing slip.

Status quo, status quo. Because I don't dare to hope for anything else now.