Matthew didn't know how to feel, not at all. Even though he and Hallie had just broken up, her dead made him very sad. Her mother had called him, asking if he could help her to arrange Hallie's funeral. Hallie hadn't told her mom that they had broken up and Matthew had just hung up the phone, no idea how to respond, or if he should tell the woman who had just lost her daughter that they had broken up a few days before the fire. He hadn't spoken with Severide since he had called in the middle of the night. All he knew was that Severide was the one who pulled her out. What if he had still been a fire fighter? Could he have saved her?
He moved his hands through his hair, trying to keep himself from crying. His shoes were standing on the floor, but he couldn't find the energy to put them on.
There was a soft knock on the door. Severide peeked around the door.
''Is it okay if I come in?''
Matthew nodded, Severide pulled the chair out of the corner and sat down in front of Matthew.
''How are you holding up?'
''Okay, I guess.'' Matthew shrugged. ''How are you?'' He looked up to Severide.
''Holding up, I guess.'' Severide stood up.
''It is always hard to lose someone on the job. But having to carry someone outside, knowing the person is not going to make it while you actually know the person, nobody should ever need to do that.'' Severide mumbled, hands in his pockets.
Matthew nodded again.
''Dawson asked if it was okay if she called you soon.''
''Fine.'' Matthew said, very indifferent.
''She seems really worried about you. I understand you not the guy to show your feelings, but maybe you should to somebody.''
''No, I shouldn't feel this way. Hallie and I were over.''
''But you have loved the girl for almost 15 years.''
''But I hated her in the end.''
''I did too, but you can still care about somebody, even if you hate somebody.''
Matthew looked up to him. ''Her mom called me, if I could help arrange the funeral and I didn't know what to say and I still don't know what to do. She didn't know we had broken up.''
Severide laid his hand on Matthews shoulder.
''Maybe you should tell her you are not the right person to arrange the funeral, you don't have to tell about the break up, but just tell her that you can't. But I think you should go to the funeral, but that is just my opinion.''
''Hallie hated me, I don't think I should.''
''Believe me, she did still care about you. I will come with you if you want, if that supports you. But I think you should go, to get closure.''
Matthew's eyes started to fill with tears; ''If I hadn't changed the plans for the moving, she would have been in Arizona to keep an eye on the renovation of the house. She wouldn't have been here. If I hadn't been shot, she wouldn't even been in the states but still in South Africa.''
''Hey, don't blame yourself, you didn't cause the fire and you can't change the past. You didn't want her dead and the short-circuit causing the fire sure wasn't you fault. Don't blame yourself.''
''I can't think about anything else than the things I could have done to avoid her death.''
Severide frowned; ''Don't, it makes you feel awful. Maybe if I hadn't searched the other, empty, rooms first but ran to that room straight away, she would have been alive. But we can't blame ourselves. Remember the speech back in school? It is never your fault if you can't save a person and you did your job. Otherwise it will eat you away eventually.''
….
''how are you holding up?'' The voice sounded very emotional, even over the phone.
''Decent.'' He lied to his ex-mother in law, to be honest he felt awful, about Hallie's death, about everything.
''I had an idea for Hallie's fu-''
''I am sorry Darcy, I can't do it.''
He waited until she said something again, not knowing what to say. After it was silent for a long time he finally managed to say something;
''I really can't do it Darcy.''
''Is it because you and Hallie broke up?''
''Ho-how did you know?''
Darcy swallowed really loud, probably trying to contain her emotions.
''She told me not so long before the fire and she was so sad about it. She was hoping to win you back, even though she knew she had made big mistakes. She really loved you, Matt.''
He hung up the phone, staring at the screen. His feeling were killing him even more now he know Hallie had loved him and maybe wanted to solve the break up again they had been in. The phone was shaking in his hand but he didn't want to pick it up, afraid for what he was going to hear. After a few minutes and the ninth call of Darcy, he finally decided to pick up again.
''Matt, please listen to me. I can't compel you to help me arrange the funeral and I don't want to know if you don't feel good by doing it. I just ask you to come. It would mean a lot of me and I am sure it would have meant a lot to Hallie as well.''
''I will…but I am not sure if I can help you.''
Matthew hung up again, he couldn't stand the idea of him talking a woman he had always hated and now he didn't even understand why anymore. Somehow it seemed as if his whole life didn't make much sense anymore. Tears filling his eyes he looked through the contact list in his phone, not sure whom he should find comfort by. Shay? No, he didn't want to bother her with his problems, although his fingers doubted for second over the touch screen if he should tap her name. Continuing the list his finger kept resting above Dawson. Should he call her? He hadn't thought about the kiss they had shared three days ago, but he thought about it now. He doubted for a few minutes. What if she didn't want to talk to him? Or that she had made a mistake by kissing him?
He tapped the phone number, his heart pounding in his chest as he heard the small beeps telling him the phones were connecting.
But after a few beeps the voicemail came on and he pressed it away.
All he could do was finding comfort in himself, hoping he could find it.
….
Her coffin was filled with flowers when it was lowered down. He and Severide had both brought flowers as well, adding them to the big pile. Matthew had brought pink roses , which seemed to strike between the white flowers. But he knew that the pink roses were her favorites.
His legs had been shaking all day, as if the emotions had made the spasms worse. Between the speech of her parents Severide has even laid his hands on his knees; ''Calm down.'' But his body felt just as awful as his mental state.
For hours he had been listening to the speeches of people telling how Hallie was, or how they thought she was. Hallie's mother had still tried to get him to tell something about her, but he couldn't. He didn't know what to tell about a girl he had known for over a decade. He had just sat there with Severide in the back of the auditorium, staring at her coffin, in apathy.
Slowly he drove back to the centre in silence. The CD he was always listened to in the car was in multiple shards on the floor. When he had gotten in the car 'The River'' had begun playing and he couldn't help but think about the summer he and Hallie had been to Charleston together with his truck and the song had been playing in the car and Hallie had asked him to pick a different CD when they slept a night in Knoxville. He changed the CD, but somehow 'The River' always reminded him of that trip. When he couldn't handle the silence anymore he pressed on the radio, only to hear even more Bruce Springsteen and mad he hit the mute button, driving in silence again. Kelly had insisted multiple times that he could drive with him, afraid Matthew's emotions would keep him from driving safe, but actually the driving seemed to calm him down. He parked his car at the centre and got out, not greeting the people at the entrance, leaving to his room straight away. He got ready for bed realized he couldn't sleep, even he was tired after the exhausting day. Matthew sat on his bedside, the tears coming up again. His legs were thin and useless hanging down on the side of the bed. Weeks ago they still had been muscled and strong, now they were just skin over bones as his muscles had started to atrophy.
He heard footsteps over the hallway and not wanting Tamara or somebody else from the staff seeing him crying, he bow his head. Instead, the footsteps came closer and his left arm got touched by somebody sitting beside him on the bed. The tears started to flow out of his eyes now and he didn't want the person next to him to see them. With both of his hands, he wiped the tears away, nearly losing his balance and falling of the bed, but two hands grabbed his arms. Putting one arm back, he pushed the hands away with his other. He didn't want the person to see him crying.
''Shhh, it is okay. It is going to be okay.'' Two hands pressed his head against a shoulder. The fabric of her shirt smelled to apple, Dawson's perfume.
''It is going to be okay.'' Her voice said again.
But instead of pushing her away, he gave himself over to the arms, sobbing like he had never done before. One hand rubbed through his hair, the other over his back and for the first time since the shot that had changed his life, he felt true comfort.
''It is going to be okay Matthew, let it all go.''
….
NOTE: This chapter was so hard to write! I wanted it to be emotional but not too cliché. Did three versions of the chapter and this is the one I was most pleased with. But I still have the idea it was a little cliché. Hope you don't hate the chapter, I just wanted to add Hallie's death, since it is in the series and although it is an AU, still follow a little bit of the original storylines, although the cause of the fire was different than the one in the series, it really was just an accident in the story, while it wasn't in the series. Sorry it is so short, but I had no idea what I could add and since I have a very busy program next work I have no idea when the next chapter is coming. Work, my dad's big 50th birthday party which lasts 3 days and I am over at a friend in the big city in the weekend to go out with her so I have no idea when the next chapter will be coming because I have idea when I have any time to write. Maybe a chapter on the 6th of august, otherwise 12th of august. I hope you keep waiting though.
So…what do you think of Dawson comforting Matthew? Personally I am not a fan of Dawson/Casey, but I do think she fits in the story and I hope you keep reading even if you are not a fan of Dawson/Casey, although I am not sure if they are going to go the relationship-road J
One more question, do you think some of the characters are OOC? I hope you can tell me and be honest about it, because I would like to know!Anyway, hope you are willing to leave a review at all after all the work. It is really important for me, since it really encourages me to write! Especially since I wrote this chapter in Dutch 3 times and translated it after that. This is the best version I could make. Sorry.
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