Serena could only stare at the wall as she tried to comprehend the depth of her despair. There was no way that she could tell Jason that Elinor's heart had died for a second time, not when it truly seemed like he had turned a corner on his grief. Instead, she absently drank her bottle of shiraz, listening as he talked about what he liked about sushi and trying not to make biting comments that she didn't mean. "Jasmine looked really sad today, Auntie Serena. And she kept saying sorry to me. She even wrote that in Elinor's condolence book. What would she have to be sorry for?"
She stilled, the glass pressed to her lips, and looked at Jason out of the corner of her eye. She knew exactly what Jasmine was sorry for, but after everything that had happened in theatre that evening, she wasn't certain that she could put it into words without letting bitterness pour out of her. Jason gave her an odd look, which told her that she needed to explain for him. "She feels responsible for Elinor's passing. There were a few signs that she missed, and she withheld some vital information about her that might have changed the course of fate. That was not to be, however, and now she thinks that she has to look after me, to atone for her hand in my daughter's death. She should have been the one to die."
The instant the words were out of her mouth, she regretted them. Jason's eyes widened a little as he shook his head. "How can you say that, Auntie? She has been so kind to you, looking out for you when none of your other friends have been so faithful. Behind Bernie, she's the only one who came to the house to check on us, and love us. It's not like you to be so mean."
His words hurt, and she set the glass aside, suddenly finding the taste of wine bitter to her tongue. Just as she went to reply to him, someone knocked on the door, and she turned to see Matteo standing there, gentle concern shining in his eyes. "I was hoping to find you still here," he said lowly as he stepped into her office.
Serena found that she couldn't keep his gaze, and she bowed her head a little to stare at her desktop, her hands folded over her stomach. "What do you need?" she asked, trying to keep her words light and easy.
"I need you to come with me."
She shook her head, her lips pursed into a flat line. "I don't think so. I need to run Jason home, this is his first shift back, and…"
"Actually, I can take him home, Serena, so Mister Rossini can talk with you. Are you ready?"
"I guess so, Bernie. I'll see you at home later, Auntie Serena?" She nodded absently as she looked at her partner, hating to see the soft look of disappointment that was on her face. Jason hugged her before going to meet Bernie at the door, and she fought to keep from breaking down entirely.
"You will be home quickly?"
"As quickly as I can be." It seemed like there was more to say, more to explain, but Bernie just smiled sadly before making her way to the coat tree and grabbing her jacket, slipping it on before coming to her side and kissing her forehead softly. "I love you," she whispered against her cheek, feeling Bernie nod in response.
Matteo cleared his throat a little, and they moved apart, Bernie heading to Jason's side before giving her a small wave. She waved back before turning her attention to Matteo, staring at his chin to give the appearance of eye contact. The door to their office closed, and she let out a shaky breath as she watched Matteo's chin drop, as if he was going to say something. Instead, he, too, let out a shaky breath before coming over to her side and taking the seat that Jason had just vacated. "When did you figure out what had happened?"
"When I let Jason read the letter Jo wrote me. She used the same phrase twice, and whilst I know that it could have been mere coincidence, I went and looked into her medical file a little more closely, and wouldn't you know? She had a heart transplant the same day that I took Ellie off life support. Putting two and two together came up with Jo having her heart."
He nodded a little as he reached out and placed his hand on her upper arm, his thumb caressing her bicep tenderly. "You were never supposed to know who received her heart. And then it was a sick twist of fate that an accident would bring Jo here. I'm sorry that you've lost her twice."
"I couldn't tell Jason the truth. He wanted to go to the cemetery earlier, but that's off the table, now that he thinks Elinor's heart is beating in someone else's chest." She met his eyes, and almost started crying to see how gently he was gazing at her. "But don't you have to get home to Jac?"
"She can wait. There were other things that took precedence this evening. Jasmine was crying almost as hard as you, and she wouldn't talk with me. Do you know why that is?"
Though his words were soft, there was a current of iron beneath them, and Serena blushed guiltily as shrugged. "I think I said something in the heat of anger that I might not have meant. We've been so close to each other, ever since Elinor passed. That made my words more cutting. But I feel like I'm turning into a person that I don't like."
It was easy to confide in him, he had been the last person to hold Elinor's beating heart, and he didn't know her, not really. "Tragedy often magnifies facets of ourselves that we don't want to acknowledge. Have you really worked through your grief?"
Her therapist had asked the same question of her at their last session, and she had rebuffed him, knowing she couldn't truthfully answer. Matteo asking the same question made her think that fate truly was a cruel bitch, bringing to the forefront of her mind that she hadn't really dealt well with things, and that she wanted nothing more than to hold her beautiful girl in her arms once more. "I'd like to think I have."
"And I'd like to think that I am God's gift to women. Sadly, I think that we are both far off the mark in our assessment of ourselves." The self-deprecating smile on his lips seemed to match her feelings, and she gave a tiny nod. "It's never too late to apologise, you know. It is easier to move on that way."
"Perhaps," she murmured, feeling tears fill her eyes once more that day. "Matteo?"
"Yes, Serena?"
"Thank you." Her words were mumbled, but he seemed to completely understand her intent, since he squeezed her arm a little before standing up. "Enjoy your evening."
"I'll try. And be gentle with yourself, Serena. Grief takes time to unpackage, and you shouldn't force anything. It will only make things worse for you in the end."
She nodded absently, letting her eyes lose focus so she could stare at nothing. Serena barely acknowledged Matteo's gentle hand patting her back before he left the office and closed the door with a soft click. As soon as she knew that she was alone, Serena buried her face in her hands and let herself openly sob for everything that she had lost that day.
It wasn't enough that Elinor's heart had given out once more, or that Jasmine had tried to comfort her, or that Jason just didn't fathom how much she was keeping from him, since she didn't want to overwhelm him with emotion. No, she had to now contend with Bernie's disappointment and Matteo's concern. Where had that been when she had first lost Elinor? Why was it him and not Raf or Sacha or Henrik that had sought her out tonight to make certain she was okay?
Roughly swiping at her cheeks, she stood up and went over to the coat rack, grabbing her coat and purse before stalking out of her office, locking the door and making her way down to the on-call room. A part of her wanted to apologise to Jasmine, to try and make her understand that she had spoken out of her anguish, but she didn't know how well received that would be.
Taking a deep breath, she paused outside the room and opened the door, ready to speak at a moment's notice, if Jasmine didn't speak first. As the door swung in, she was startled to find the lights off, and she frowned deeply as she flipped the switch, flooding the small room with harsh fluorescent light. The bed was neatly made, and while some of Jasmine's belongings were stuffed beneath the bed, there was no other trace of her in the room.
Biting her lip a little, Serena drifted over to said bed and sat heavily before stretching out on the mattress and staring up at the ceiling. With the young woman gone, there was no way to even begin to say anything to her, to begin to atone, and the longer she ruminated, the more she thought that this was the world's way of saying that there was nothing that she needed to apologise for. Her phone buzzed in her pocket, and Serena pulled it out to gaze at the screen, seeing Bernie's name on the display. "Hello?" she asked quietly, turning on her side to face the wall.
"Are you done speaking to Matteo? I was thinking I could pick you up?"
"Yeah, come back and pick me up." There was a short pause. "I'll be in the peace garden when you get here."
"Oh, of course. That would be a good place to visit."
"Yes. And Bernie?"
"Yeah?"
"Stay tonight?"
"Of course."
They hung up, and Serena sighed as she flopped onto her back once more. The doorknob rattled, and she raised herself up onto her elbows to see who was coming in. "Oh! Ms Campbell!"
"Jasmine, I, I'm glad you're here. Do, do you have time to talk?"
The young woman violently shook her head, her blonde ponytail swinging back and forth as she backed out of the doorway. "I have to go see if Jac is still here. I think she wanted me to watch Emma tonight. Bye!"
Jasmine fled from her presence, and that was all it took for Serena to start crying once more. Getting up from the bed, she shrugged into her coat and made her way outside, her feet instinctively heading for the peace garden. Stopping in front of her mother's tree, Serena fell to her knees and let herself sob, the harsh cries hurting her throat as she poured out her feelings. "I've destroyed yet another relationship, Mummy. I told a girl, young enough to be my daughter, that I wished she was dead. What have I become, Mummy? How can I make this better? I'm so far down in the canyon of my grief that I can't even see the light anymore. Jasmine was walking beside me, guiding me back up towards the light. And now, even she's gone. I haven't told Bernie just how deep and dark my heart is, I don't want to burden her with this despair. Jasmine knew, Mummy, she just knew, and understood, and loved me. And I ruined that."
Serena's sobs choked out her words, and she rocked back and forth a little as she sought to self soothe, wishing that Bernie would arrive quickly, and help put her out of her misery. A warm hand closed over her shoulder, and she looked up to see Jasmine standing there, tears streaming down her face. Her mouth fell open to say something, anything, when the young woman shook her head, instead shrugging and holding open her arms. Serena nodded a little as she clumsily got to her feet, her head hanging low as her feet refused to step forward. So Elinor, no, Jasmine closed the tiny distance between them and hugged her tightly. "We need to talk, but not tonight. Not when we're both still so raw, yeah?"
All she could do was nod against Jasmine's shoulder as her arms closed around her slim waist, holding her. The silence was oppressive, heavy, as if there was too much baggage between them to make this easy or kind. It was still a comfort to be in her arms, cold though it was. She quickly lost all sense of time, only coming to awareness once more when she smelt the familiar scent of Bernie.
"Well, this is a sight I like to see," her lover said lowly as she closed her hand around Serena's upper arm. "Thank you for coming out to the garden, Jasmine, and keeping her company while I returned here. Have a good night."
Jasmine nodded a little, her head still buried in the crook of Serena's neck. And Serena, too, felt loathe to let go of this tender connection, knowing that the moment they parted, things would once more be at sixes and sevens between them. Turning her head a little, she pressed hesitant lips to Jasmine's cheek, feeling her return the gesture moments later. "I still love you," she murmured in Serena's ear before pushing away from her and turning to run into the hospital.
"Did you apologise?"
"She didn't want to talk, said that we could when things weren't so jagged between us."
Bernie let out a soft groan as she enclosed Serena in a warm hug, tucking her underneath her chin as she rubbed Serena's back. "You probably should have ignored her wishes in this case, Serena. It's not the best idea to let things fester between you for any length of time. I don't want to see your heart getting destroyed any further."
"I think it's a little too late for that, Bernie. I'm not certain there's any heart left to smash, honestly. You're holding the pieces of it in your heart, and I think that she might still have a shard or two in her possession, but other than that? Everything is in smithereens."
"Shh, don't say that," Bernie said before kissing her forehead lightly. "Your heart is a little bruised, it's been battered and assailed, but you were turning the corner there, I thought. Why have you started drinking again?"
That was the question she didn't want to answer, but she knew that her lover deserved an answer of some sort. "The pain of today. I was doing fine, until Jo died. I had a small, tiny, sliver of hope which was dashed upon the rocks today. I told Jasmine that I wished she was the one in the morgue." Bernie sucked in a low breath. "I know, it was a low blow."
"Jac is going to be on the warpath now, you realise. She was mad enough when she thought you were bullying Jasmine. That, though? That is beyond the pale. What were you thinking, Serena?"
"Honestly?" Bernie nodded, and she frowned before stepping closer to Bernie once more, resting her head on her shoulder before shoving her hands in Bernie's pockets, needing to warm them somehow. "I don't think I was thinking. I reacted purely out of emotion. And I hurt us both."
"An apology will go a long way."
"I know. I just…" She broke off and sighed, shaking her head. "Take me home now, please."
Bernie nodded a little before kissing her once more. "Jason's already headed up to bed, his first day back took more out of him than he realized."
"Okay." Bernie led her over to the car, and Serena wordlessly slipped in, settling herself in the passenger seat and buckling the belt as Bernie got in. "Bernie?"
"Yes, Serena?"
"Maybe I am just my mother's daughter, after all. She was cruel, so cruel, to me at times. And it seems like I have that same streak in me." She closed her eyes, feeling a wave of pure exhaustion sweep over her. "I never wanted to be cruel. I hate myself."
"Don't say that, Serena!" She turned her head towards Bernie, never opening her eyes. "Hate what happened to Elinor. Hate what happened to Jo. Do not hate yourself for having strong emotions. I would worry even more about you if you were cold, emotionless." Bernie caressed her hair, and Serena sighed, wondering just how right Bernie was to not be so worried about her.