Chapter 11:

Thor finds himself distracted, even as he tries to remember his manners and not ignore Sif.

She's sitting on the couch with him and Loki, chatting softly about school, about what's going on with her classes, and with all of Thor's friends.

Fandral finally made the varsity lacrosse team, and of course was already captain of the school's fencing team. The girls continue to find him irresistible, it seems. Thor could never keep track of who his friend was dating, it seemed to change weekly.

Hogun was heading off to the state championships for his archery team, and apparently wanted Sif to deliver the message to Thor that all the guys on the swim team miss him. Thor had smiled tightly at that and simply nodded. Sif, thankfully, hadn't pressed and asked when it was he would be coming back to school. In all honestly, Thor didn't know the answer to that question. Not at all.

In all honestly, Thor couldn't even imagine himself going back. Not now. Not right now.

Volstagg, a little older than the rest of them, has just started at vocation school, apparently training to become a mechanic. Thor's happy for the big man. He knows how Volstagg's always loved working on cars and motorcycles and the like.

Of all his friends, Volstagg was always the kindest and most patient towards Loki, too…

"What about you Thor?" He hears Sif ask, and finds, once more, that he's having to drag his eyes away from his little brother.

Loki is tucked into the corner of the couch, pressed between the seats back cushions and armrest, clutching the stuffed tiger Sif had given him to his chest. He's got his face turned down, buried against the toy's soft, furry mane.

He looks so small. So fragile. Thor wants suddenly to scoop him up into his lap and hold him against his own chest. Keep him safe and not let anything harm him.

"Thor?" Sif asks again, and Thor shakes his head, forcing his gaze back to the girl. He smiles weakly at her.

"I'm sorry." He says. "What were you asking?"

Sif looks concerned. The same sort of look Mom and Father have been giving to him more and more of late. The sort of look which, illogical though he knows it is, drives Thor to anger.

Don't they understand? Don't any of them get it? Loki's his little brother. He's supposed to protect him. Supposed to take care of him. Why is that a bad thing then? What does it matter how he feels, when Loki's the one who's suffering so badly?

"I was asking how you're doing." Sif answers softly. "How you've been handling… all this." She waves her hand as if it's a general statement. As if she isn't referring to Loki. To the burden he's become.

Thor snaps.

"You mean how am I handling taking care of my little brother?" He sneers angrily, not even attempting to keep the frustration and disgust out of his voice. Sif looks startled, eyes widening as she leans slightly back from him. Thor doesn't care. He continues on. "Why does everybody ask me that? Why doesn't anyone ask how Loki's handling it all? He's the one who's lost everything! He's the one who's SUFFERING!"

He doesn't even realize his voice is raised until he sees Sif flinch violently and feels his own chest heaving from exertion, his hands shaking.

"Thor, I… I just thought…" Sif begins after a long and tense moment. But Thor cuts her short, shaking his head.

"Maybe you should go." He starts, his anger failing to dissipate. "I need to go put Loki down for a nap anyway."

He looks away from her, beginning distractedly to gather up the paper plates and cups they'd shared earlier between them for lunch. Mom had made hot dogs and even let them all have some soda. Thor doesn't fail to notice how only about a quarter of Loki's meal had been eaten, and just like that, all of the rage drains out of him, replaced instantly by a by now familiar and suffocating sadness. His shoulders slump, head hanging, hands loosening around the plates and cups.

There's a long stretch of silence then, Thor's eyes closing as shame finally starts to work its way in.

"I'm sorry." He mumbles quietly. "I didn't mean that. I'm sorry."

"It's alright Thor." Sif answers after a moment. And then he feels her hand smoothing against his back, rubbing in gentle circles. "I get it." She says. "I didn't mean to upset you. I just know this has been hard on… on all of you, and I just wanted to make sure you've been alright. I… I know it's been harder on Loki than anyone. I didn't mean to sound like I was saying something else."

"I know." Thor says. "It's not your fault. I've just been… ju-just been…"

"I know." Sif tells him, still smoothing her hand over his back.

"Th-Thor?" Both he and Sif turn their heads at the same moment, looking down to see Loki, his face lifted from the stuffed tiger, staring blindly up in their direction. "Thor…" he gropes for the older boy a moment, thin fingers finding the material of his shirt and curling into it. "i-is everything alright?" He asks, voice almost too soft to hear. Loki is shaking, Thor realizes. He must have been jostled by the earlier outburst, and abruptly, guilt takes hold Thor, and he reaches out, pulling his brother against his side, leaning down and kissing the top of his head.

"It's alright Loki. I'm here." He takes hold the smaller boy's hand, signing to him.

There's a long moment in which Loki says nothing, and then he's leaning harder against Thor's side, both arms coming up to snake around his waist.

"Is Sif still here?" He asks, voice muffled against Thor's ribs.

Thor swallows, hating that his brother can't just know. That he has no way of telling beyond touch when someone's even in the room with him. It makes Thor worry only more, thinking about the future. About what could happen to Loki.

He nods, and then turns to Sif, holding out his hand for her. He's grateful when she seems to understand, placing her own hand in his palm, letting him pull it to Loki so his brother can know she's there still.

Loki's hands look fragile and small, even compared to Sif's, though Sif's a big girl, standing nearly 5'9", and extremely athletic, just like all of Thor's friends, really. Loki takes hold of her fingers when Thor offers them, feeling tentatively about them.

Glancing at Sif, Thor sees her face drawn in a kind of nervousness, though he doesn't think it's from Loki she's feeling such. More a fear that she'll somehow, inadvertently, hurt him. Thor understands that. He feels it himself every day when handling his wisplike little brother.

They spend a few minutes more talking and catching up, but Thor meant it when he said Loki was due for a nap, and Sif is polite enough to know not to linger. She excuses herself, and tells Thor and Loki both that she'll visit again soon, if they're alright with it. Surprisingly, Loki seems more enthusiastic about the prospect than Thor himself, nodding and even speaking aloud to Sif that he'd enjoy another visit, thanking her once more for the tiger.

At the door, Sif hugs Thor long and hard, and he realizes after a moment that she's crying, her face buried against his shoulder.

"He's such a sweet kid." She says brokenly. "I just can't believe this happened to him. It's s-so unfair. It's not right."

Thor feels his own eyes stinging then, and he holds her back, burying his face to her shoulder.

"I know." He says, trying vainly to keep his own voice even.

"I wish there was something more I could do for him." She goes on, and again, Thor nods his head in understanding.

"I know." He says once more. "But believe me Sif, it means the world to him, that you came by today to see him. It means the world to me too. You've done so much already."

Sif nods, finally pulling back and looking up at him, wiping her eyes and forcing a smile to her lips.

"If… if either of you need anything, or if you want to come over sometime with Loki, we'd love to have you."

Thor smiles in return, the expression genuine.

"That would be great Sif. I'll talk to Loki about it. We've been wanting to get him out of the house a little more lately anyway."

"Al-alright then." She says. "I guess I'll see you later then. Tell your Mom thanks for lunch and everything."

"I will." Thor tells her.

They hug once more before at last Sif is out the door. Thor closes it gently behind her, and for a few minutes, just leans back against it, eyes closed.

He doesn't know what he's even feeling.

There's an almost sort of relief at not having to entertain now, not having to worry about what she's going to say and think about Loki and the situation.

There's also a sudden and unexpected pang of regret at her going. Thor realizes he misses her already. Misses her company and the… the sense of almost normalcy she brought, just by being there.

The thoughts alone are enough to drive Thor to feeling guilty and wrong, chastising himself inwardly for having them. For wishing for a situation where things weren't so… so hard. Where he didn't have to be by Loki's side every moment and keep him safe, because his brother just wasn't capable anymore of taking care of himself.

He's being selfish, he thinks, pushing himself up straight from the door.

He needs to go get Loki now, help him get ready for his nap.

Brutally, he shoves any fanciful ideas of going out with his friends from his mind. There isn't time for that anymore. There isn't the option.

/

"Come on Loki." Thor signs into his brother's palm, crouched down before him. "It's ten o'clock. Time for your bath and then bed."

Loki had been sitting quietly the last several hours, after Sif's visit, and following his short, thirty minute nap, just reading and working on the different exercises Dr. Banner had assigned him. He hadn't really been up for much else that day, though Thor had asked him if he wanted to go to the park. Loki had told him no, that he was alright just at home.

It had given Thor a chance to relax some himself, taking his own, short nap and going off with Mom to the grocery store a little later, while Father was home from the office for a few hours, able to keep an eye on Loki.

Loki nods, setting aside his book and letting Thor lead him without protest to the bathroom.

Once there, he starts up the tap for the bathtub, checking to make sure the temperature is okay, before turning to his brother, kneeling down to help him undress, undoing the buttons along Loki's shirt.

"I can do it." He pauses, hearing his brother's soft voice. Looking up, he sees Loki staring blankly ahead, over his shoulder, his expression strangely hopeful.

Something about it makes Thor's heart ache.

"I… I can do it." Loki repeats when Thor doesn't immediately answer.

It takes the older boy a moment to realize what Loki is saying.

"You sure?" He finally answers, signing into his brother's palm. Loki nods shyly, ducking his face and, as if to demonstrate, brings his small hands up and begins to undo the buttons of his shirt, fumbling only a little to find them.

Thor watches him a moment, before seeing that his brother should be okay.

Pushing himself to his feet, he gives Loki a gentle pat on the head to let him know good job, before moving away to keep an eye on the tubs water level.

He keeps looking over at Loki from where he's seated on the tubs edge, making sure he's alright.

Loki struggles a little getting his clothes off, and it still makes Thor's breath catch a little, his throat close up, seeing just how small and fragile his brother is. His bare back to him, Thor can make out every dip in the column of his spine, every rib, Loki's shoulder blades jutting out, bony and pronounced.

He continues watching, patient, until Loki has undressed fully, waiting still as his brother neatly folds up each article of his clothing and places it all in an organized pile.

When he's finished, the younger boy turns, staring out into space.

"O-okay." He says. "I'm ready."

Thor picks himself up, striding towards Loki and reaching out, gently taking hold his brother's hand and guiding him towards the tub.

Again, the younger boy gives no protest as Thor lifts him under his arms, easily as he might a doll, and lowers him carefully into the warm water.

He lets Loki settle for a few moments, hovering close, knelt down by the tubs edge and watching his brother carefully as he moves about in the water. Loki's shoulders just barely come up over the waters surface, and though he knows his brother is old enough not to drown, Thor can't help worrying. It keeps him from ever leaving Loki's side while he's bathing, these days.

After a short while more, Thor reaches for Loki's arm, lifting his hand up out of the water and signing to him.

"I'll wash your hair now, okay?" He asks.

Loki nods, and out of habit, Thor smiles at him, bending down and kissing his temple before proceeding, taking up a bottle of shampoo and lathering up his brother's hair. Loki relaxes with the motion, Thor massaging against his scalp, smiling again as he sees his little brother's lids slip closed and his shoulders droop.

They continue on in silence like this for a while, Thor being gentle, pushing Loki's hair back out of his face as he pours water over his head to rinse the soap out, moving on then to washing his brother's torso with a wet cloth.

It's as he's got Loki's right arm extended, working the cloth between his fingers, that his brother starts to talk.

"A-are you going to take Sif to ho-homecoming?" He asks, stumbling slightly over his words.

Thor freezes, staring at his brother, uncertain if he's even heard him correctly.

Why would Loki even ask something like that?

"Th-Thor?" Loki's tremulous voice calls out to him, and Thor realizes he's gone nearly a full minute without replying.

Hastily he takes hold Loki's hand and begins signing to him.

"I'm sorry." He says. "I just… why would you ask something like that?"

Loki looks visibly uncertain then, and scared, and Thor immediately curses himself for his unthinking and rough reply.

He didn't mean to sound angry at Loki.

"It's just… no," Thor goes on quickly. "No. I'm going to be home with you."

"O-oh…" Loki says, and he sounds suddenly, horribly sad. His face turns down. "But… but you like Sif. You wanted to go with her. You w-were talking about it be… before…"

Thor frowns, frustration mounting in him, and he doesn't even know why.

"None of that matters now." He answers. "I have to stay here to take care of you."

And he's said the wrong thing. He knows it immediately after he's already signed the words to Loki.

He knows it better when he watches his little brother's face crumple, tears springing instantly to his unseeing eyes, tiny frame shuddering as a violent sob wracks through him.

Thor feels his stomach drop out from under him, his mind kicking into overdrive, realizing the gravity of his mistake.

He signs quickly as possible against Loki's palm, trying to explain, praying his brother understands the sloppy work.

"No, no, no, Loki, I didn't mean it that way. I didn't mean that. I just…"

"Y-you… you hh-hate me?" Loki sobs desperately, voice hitching, shoulders heaving.

Oh God, God, how could he have been so stupid, Thor thinks.

"No," he signs again. "Loki, I love you. I love you so much."

Loki sobs brokenly again.

"I dd-don't w-wanna ruin your ll-life." He cries, his voice so filled with despair that Thor feels his own eyes sting.

"You're not. Loki, you're not."

But Thor can see the damage has already been done as Loki's weeping only grows harsher.

He doesn't know what else to do then but lean down and wrap his arms around his brother, pulling him into an embrace.

All he can do is hold on as Loki trembles viciously against his chest, kissing the crown of his head over and over, whispering against his ear that he's sorry, again and again.

It's a long while before his brother begins at last to calm, and when he does, Thor hears him mumbled against his chest.

"I want you to go Thor. I want you to go with Sif." He says, voice still thick and broken with tears.

Thor nods against him.

"Okay." He tells his brother. "Okay, I will. I promise."

/

AN: As always, huge thanks to all my readers and reviewers! If you get a chance, please let me know your thoughts!