Sorry I didn't update last weekend guys! I was a little busy and I had trouble finding the parts of the iTwins episode that I needed. And just to let you guys know, I STILL can't find everything I need from the episode. I was able to get MOST of the stuff I needed, but there was this one little place I couldn't get (the very end of Freddie and Spencer's dodge ball conversation up until the point when he bumps into Sam in the hall outside the apartment), so I had to rely on my memory, which I'm afraid was probably off.
Also, thanks to veeheart914 for coming up with Socko's cousin's name. It was way better than my idea.
Disclaimer: Not only do I not own iCarly, but I've never even MET the incredibly awesome Dan Schneider. Sigh. Life's not fair.
I was in my living room, reading a book on advanced computer coding, when there was a knock on the door.
"Coming," I said, closing the book and getting up to answer the door. Outside the apartment stood a large, balding man holding a small, cardboard box.
"Delivery for a Mr. Fredward Benson," he said in a deep voice.
"That's me."
Poor kid. Who in their right mind would name their kid Fredward? "Sign here please," he said, handing me a wooden clipboard. I signed it quickly and took the package, closing the door after him.
"Freddie," my mom said, coming out of the bathroom, "Who was at the door?"
Uh oh. I quickly hid the package behind my back. "No one. Just a…girl sprout." If Mom found out that I had gotten a package, she'd surely want to see it first. And since it had no return address and I had no idea who sent it, there was no way she'd let me keep it.
"You didn't buy any cookies, did you?" I've really got to be more careful with monitoring his sugar intake. I bet those Shays are feeding him all sorts of garbage.
I rolled my eyes. "No mom."
"Good. You know what I always say. Cookies and sweets…"
"Are bad for you or something," I finished, trying to escape to my room without my mom noticing the package still hidden behind my back. "Yeah, got it."
"Freddie! You know that's not how it goes! That doesn't even rhyme for gluten's sake!"
"Sorry Mom," I said as I backwards stepped into the safety of my bedroom. "I'll do better next time." I shut the door before she could say anything else.
I breathed a sigh of relief and pulled the package out from behind my back to examine it. It was pretty small – no bigger than a child's shoe box – and had my name and address written directly on the cardboard in messy handwriting that looked like it was trying really hard to be neat. The return address was nowhere to be found.
I had to wonder who in the world would be sending me a package. My birthday was several months away, and this was definitely not something that I'd ordered myself. After studying it for a moment longer to try to find a clue as to who might have sent it and having no luck, I decided to open it. But the tape was good quality, and my short fingernails couldn't pull it up. Trying to use my house key to open it didn't work out either, thanks to the special locks with blunt keys that my mom had insisted on buying when we first moved into the apartment. I knew what I needed, and I knew that it was something I wouldn't find at home.
I knocked on the Shay's front door, only to open it myself a moment later. "Hey," I said, walking into the room and spotting Carly and Spencer sitting on the couch watching a show about elephants. "Can I borrow a scissors?"
"Don't you have a scissors?" Carly asked.
"Nah, my mom says they're too dangerous to keep around the house."
"We've got a scissors in the kitchen drawer," said Spencer. "Can you handle them?"
"I think I can."
"Come with me." I followed Spencer to the kitchen where he retrieved a pair of medium-sized scissors. I was about to leave when I heard a buzzing noise. The intercom system.
"Yeah?" said Carly, walking to the intercom and pressing the button.
"Carly?" said the voice on the other end of the speaker. "It's Melanie."
"Oh, hey Melanie! Come on up!"
"That's Sam's sister?" Spencer asked.
"Oh come on! They've got you in on it too?" Lately Carly and Sam (well, mostly Sam) had been going really heavy on the pranks. The latest one: trying to convince me that Sam had a twin sister.
"In on what?"
"Guys, I'm not falling for it. I know Sam doesn't have a twin sister."
"She does too!" Carly insisted. Her thoughts indicated that she actually believed what she was saying. Sam had probably tricked her into believing it because she knew Carly was a terrible liar.
"No she…is that a new necklace?"
"Yeah, you like it?"
"Can you return it?"
"No."
"It's nice."
Just then the elevator opened and a very familiar looking girl walked out. Even with the girly clothes and uncharacteristic ponytail, there was no denying that it was Sam.
"Hi!" she squealed girlishly. Boy, she was really going all out with this thing, wasn't she?
"Hey Melanie!" Carly said, running to give the girl a hug.
"Oh, give me a break!"
"Wow," Carly said, ignoring me completely, "I don't think I've seen you since the seventh grade!"
"I know!" She turned away from Carly to give Spencer a hug. "Hi Spencer!"
"Hey kid," Spencer said, hugging her back.
"This is the stupidest thing ever!" I shouted, getting a little frustrated.
"Oh my gosh, you're Freddie!" said Sam/Melanie, finally acknowledging my presence. "I recognize you from iCarly."
"Oh, SHUT UP!"
"Huh?" she said. "I'm confused." Why is he yelling at me? He always seems so nice on the web show. Wait, did I just read her mind?
"Really? SAM."
"He thinks Sam is messing with him about having a twin sister," Carly explained.
"Oh," the blonde girl laughed, "I don't blame you. It is the kind of thing Sam would do." I love my sister, but she is always making mischief!
"Duh huh," I said stupidly, mostly because I was a little shocked about reading Sam's mind again, and I was having trouble coming up with anything half-way intelligent to say.
"You know, one time she tried to convince me I was adopted." That certainly made for an interesting conversation with our mother.
"Uh huh. And isn't it convenient that Sam isn't here right now?"
"She should be here," she said, looking at her phone. "It's almost eight." Typical Sam. She's always late for everything.
"Well let's just go," said Carly. "I'll text Sam and have her meet us at the movie."
"Perfect!"
I clapped my hands. "Wonderful!" I said. "Bravo! Very believable performance Carly and SAM."
"Freddie, I'm really Melanie." Maybe he has a learning disability or something…
"Duh huh!"
"Later," Carly said, rolling her eyes.
"Nice meeting you!"
"Uh, okay," I mocked. They left and I turned to Spencer. "How can they think I'm that gullible?"
"Clown Day?" Spencer said skeptically.
"That email looked really real!" I defended.
"Don't feel bad. When I was a kid at sleep-away camp, my friends tricked me into thinking it was Naked Day. Ever play dodge ball naked?"
"No."
"Don't ever do it."
"I won't."
"Because…"
"I get it." I decided it would be a good time to leave the apartment, as Spencer was already going over the story in his mind. That was not something I wanted to be around to hear. I walked into the hall and ran into someone…literally.
"Watch where you're going," Sam said angrily. Her long, blonde hair was down again, and she was wearing her usual shorts and t-shirt combo.
"Impressive," I said. "What, you changed your clothes and hair in the lobby, then took the main elevator back up here?"
"What are you yapping on about now?" Her phone buzzed and she took it out and flipped it open. "Wait…ah, I gotta go meet Carly and Melanie at the Omniplex."
"Okay, well you better hurry. You don't want to keep yourself waiting!" I chuckled as I walked back into my apartment. Unfortunately, I was too busy being amused by my own joke to remember to hide the scissors from my mom.
"Freddie!" she shrieked as I walked through the door.
"They're just scissors!"
"Exactly! Don't you know that scissors can cut things?"
"That's the point, Mom…"
"Point! They are also pointy!"
I sighed. "I'm going to my room."
"Don't you dare! Oh, I knew that if I let you associate with those miscreants next door and their obnoxious blonde friend that they'd eventually start to rub off on you. Next thing you know you'll be covered and tattoos and robbing supermarkets! Come back here right now young man! No, don't you close that door in my face when I'm talking to you! FREDWARD BENSON!"
I locked the door behind me and tried not to think about how upset my mom must have been. I knew locking her out was a mean thing to do, but she was really starting to get on my nerves lately.
"FREDDIE!" my mom's voice called out from behind the door. "FREDWARD BENSON! OPEN THE DOOR RIGHT THIS MINUTE YOUNG MAN! OPEN IT AND GIVE ME THE SCISSORS OR YOU'LL BE GROUNDED FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! REMEMBER, BLADES THAT ARE THIN WILL PUNCTURE THE SKIN! FREDDIE!"
I ignored her as I picked up the package on my bed and used the scissors to open it. There was a flash of bright colors as something – or rather several somethings – flew out of the package and hit me in the face before falling to the ground. It took me a moment to recover, and then I looked down at the strange objects that had just flown from the box. Five jumping snakes, the kind that people sometimes hide in cans of peanut brittle, lay on the floor, along with a note that said simply, "Love Sam."
So maybe I am gullible.
Somehow I convinced my mom that I was only using the scissors because I thought I saw a rabid mouse and I needed something to protect myself with and didn't want her to worry about it. She gave me a bone-crushing hug and sprayed me with mouse repellant, but at least I wasn't grounded. I felt bad about lying to her. What with the scissors incident and the lying, I was doing a lot of things lately that my mom didn't exactly approve of. Maybe Sam really was starting to rub off on me.
Of course, now I was kind of wishing that I was grounded. At least that way I'd have an excuse and I wouldn't be on my way to an under-21 dance club for my date with Sam.
That's right, I had a date with Sam. Somehow, in trying to prove that Melanie was really just Sam in disguise, I'd ended up asking her out by accident. And she said yes. I still didn't know exactly what she was up to with all this, but I did know that before the night was over I was going to prove once and for all that Melanie wasn't real and that I wasn't gullible…usually.
Spencer was driving us to the club, and I sat next to Sam/Melanie in the back seat. I glanced in her direction. She didn't look anything like she usually did. Her hair was up in a fancy ponytail and she was wearing a little red dress and jewelry. She must have noticed I was staring, and she looked at me an smiled. She actually seemed happy, which was weird, but I knew it was just an act.
But the thing that was really confusing was that I could still read her mind. When she was 'Sam' I couldn't, but every time she pretended to be Melanie, I could. I finally decided that Sam must have figured out that I'm psychic and that she was just really good at blocking her thoughts when she wanted to. That would explain why I was able to read her mind when we kissed, because she must have accidentally let her guard down for a moment, and it would also explain why I could read her mind when she was 'Melanie,' because she was must have been using it to confuse me. But I still couldn't figure out how she would know that I was psychic or how she could block out my powers. The only thing that I knew for sure was that Sam was not just evil, but an evil genius.
We finally arrived at the dance club, and Spencer dropped us off, telling us that he'd pick us up in an hour and a half, to call if anything happened, and to stay away from one-eyed hobos at all costs. Then he wished me luck and drove away.
The inside of the club was noisy and crowded. Annoying electronic-pop music filled the dimly lit room, and teenagers covered the dance floor, dancing like hormone-driven maniacs. I followed Sam/Melanie to the couch near the back of the room.
"Aren't you going to go get me a drink?" she asked as I started to sit down.
"Uh…yeah, sure," I said, standing up straight again. "Be right back."
I looked around for a while before I finally saw a sign labeled 'Refreshments.'
"Two medium Wahoo Punches," I said to the man behind the counter, laying down a five dollar bill.
"Coming right up," said a familiar voice. The man filled up two glasses with punch and turned around to hand them to me.
"Here you go…well hey Freddie!" he said.
"T-Bo? What are you doing here?"
"Giving you the two medium Wahoo Punches you ordered."
"I can see that. I meant, why are you here? I thought the Groovy Smoothie was the only place you worked."
"It is. I'm just filling in for my friend who works here. He had to go to his cousin Socko's birthday party and wanted someone who knew a lot about the art of drink serving to fill in for him. Bart hates when people serve beverages without caring about the art behind it."
"Bart?"
"That's his name. Bart Ender."
"Of course it is," I said and took the glasses of punch. "Thanks T-Bo."
"Anytime, Fredster. Anytime."
As I was walking back to the couch, I got caught between two dancing girls, causing most of the contents the glasses to spill all over the floor. Oh man, I thought, it already took me forever to get the drinks in the first place. If I show up with no more than a spoonful of punch in each glass, Sam will be furious.
That's when I had an idea. If I made Sam mad enough, she'd have to show her true colors, and then I could prove that Melanie wasn't real. I smiled as I poured the remnants of the drinks on the floor and walked over to the couch with the empty glasses.
"Get thirsty on the way here?" she laughed. Darn it. She didn't seem angry at all.
"Sort of." I said. "So, Melanie…you look pretty hot tonight." That would definitely make her mad.
"Thanks!" she giggled. "I love your shirt." Yay! He thinks I'm hot!
"No you don't! Carly said you hate stripes!"
"Sam hates stripes…"
"How long are you going to keep this up? Just admit you're Sam and we can leave." I pushed her shoulder for emphasis.
"I would…ow…" she rubbed her shoulder. I can't believe he's still on this thing. "But I'm not Sam."
"Okay," I said, getting another idea. I scooted noticeably closer to her. "If you're not Sam, then I guess I wouldn't mind if I held your hand."
"I don't mind at all," she said smiling. I looked at her in confusion. "I think you're really cute."
"How can you say that without vomiting?" I shouted.
"What?" What is wrong with him? Who treats a date like this?
I let go of her hand in exasperation. I guess I was being a little mean to her. My mom had raised me to always be a gentleman around girls. But this wasn't a girl. This was Sam. And one way or another, I was going to prove it.
Just then the song that was playing ended and a slow song took its place. I smiled evilly. Perfect.
"Alright," I said. "If you're not Sam, I suppose you wouldn't mind dancing." I raised my eyebrows at her. "With me."
"I'd love to," she said, standing up.
"This is a slow dance you know."
"I know."
"We'll have to dance together, pressed against each other."
"Yeah, let's go." She grabbed my hand and pulled me onto the dance floor. I started dancing with her, and she pulled me closer, much against my wishes.
This was all wrong. I was tired of this prank, and as much as I hated to admit it, I missed the real Sam. Evil plan or no evil plan, I realized that I liked hanging out with Sam a lot more when she was being herself. Even though she never hurt me physically or emotionally, 'Melanie' just didn't have the energy and charisma that Sam had.
"I can't believe you're doing this," I said. And it was true. I really couldn't believe that Sam would give up everything that made her Sam and actually pretend to like me, even if it was just part of some evil plot.
"Why? I like you." Why doesn't he like me back?
"You hate me. You always have."
"Maybe Sam hates you."
"You are Sam!"
"Really?" she said in a voice that made my skin crawl in a bad way. "Would Sam do this?" Before my brain could process what was happening, she leaned in and planted her lips firmly on mine.
The kiss was bold and pushy. Nothing like our surprisingly timid, incredibly awkward, and unexpectedly nice first kiss. The whole time she kept thinking about the how to get me to like her back, not about chicken or evil schemes. She pulled away and I stared at her in disbelief.
"You swore we'd never do that again," I said.
"I didn't swear anything." She started to lean in again.
I backed away quickly and stared at her. I still didn't know what it was that Sam had planned, but it must be even more manically evil than I first thought, and frankly, it scared the crap out of me. So I did what any self-respecting man would do in my situation. I ran away like a frightened little girl.
"Freddie!" Sam/Melanie called as she chased after me. "Freddie!"
After nearly five minutes, I finally managed to lose her when I ran outside of the club. I stopped to catch my breath and stared up into the dark night sky at the few stars that were bright enough to be seen despite the light pollution. When my heart rate finally slowed down a bit, I pulled out my cell phone and dialed Spencer's number.
"Y-ello?" answered a voice through the receiver.
"Spencer, I need you to come pick me up."
"Now? But I just dropped you off less than half an hour ago. What happened?"
"Long story."
"Is everything alright?"
"Yeah yeah, everything's fine. It's just…well I don't think it's going to work out between me and…well…the person I came here with." Whoever they were.
"Okay, if you're sure. I'll be there in five minutes."
"Thanks Spence."
"No problem, Freddo." The line went dead and I put the phone back in my pocket.
"So you really don't like me, huh?"
I turned around to see 'Melanie' standing behind me. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough," she shrugged.
"Look, I'm really sorry. It's just…wait, why am I apologizing to you? You're the one who tried to trick me into thinking you had a twin sister."
"Is that why you hate me? Because you think I'm Sam and you hate her?"
"I don't hate you, Sam."
"Freddie, I'm not…"
"Don't try to convince me that you're 'Melanie' again. I know it's just some stupid trick. But it doesn't change the fact that I don't hate you."
She furrowed her eyebrows together and cocked her head to the side, staring at me strangely. "You like her, don't you?"
Now it was my turn to be confused. "Huh?"
"Sam. You like her."
"What? Of course not. I mean, I like her as a friend, though I would never tell her that…I did just tell her that, didn't I?" She raised her eyebrows. "You're going to kill me now, right?"
She just smiled and walked towards me, giving me a kiss on the cheek. "No and no."
"Huh?"
"No I'm not Sam, and no I'm not going to kill you. But I'm also not going to keep trying to get you to like me. I think it's sweet that you like my sister. She needs someone like you in her life."
"I don't like your sister! I mean I don't like you! No, that's not what I meant either." I sighed in exasperation. "What I mean is, my feelings for Sam, whether you are her or not, are strictly platonic. Okay?"
"Okay," she said, half-smiling. "Whatever you say." He so likes her.
I was opening my mouth to say something else when Spencer's car pulled up. He rolled down the window. "Ready you two?"
"Yeah, we're ready," said Melanie, or whoever she was. I followed her into the car and we rode back to the Bushwell Plaza in silence.
"There's no Melanie, you're not gullible, and you're too smart for me," Sam said. It was the day after our date and I'd finally gotten her to admit the truth.
"That's right! In your face Puckett!" I knew I'd get her to admit it eventually. Score one for the Fredman. "By ladies," I said and left the apartment.
I walked back into my own living room and spotted a note on the counter.
"Freddiebear,
I have a dentist appointment right after work and I won't be able to stop anywhere first. Please go to the mall and pick up some more ointment from the Rashes-R-Us.
Love, Mom"
I grabbed my wallet, went over to Moira's apartment to let her know where I was going, and walked to the mall. Luckily, the mall was right next door to the Bushwell, so I didn't have far to walk.
As I was leaving the store, I spotted three girls walking out of the Canadian Eagle store. I easily recognized my brunette friend as one of the three, but the two blondes walking with her made me stop. I looked at one and thought Sam was just pretending to be Melanie again, but then I looked at the other blonde next to her, pulling a piece of bacon out of her skull-shaped purse. I looked back and forth between the two, both oblivious to the fact that I was even there, much less that I was staring at them. It appeared that there were two Sams. But that couldn't be true. And that meant…
That meant that I was either really stupid, or completely insane.