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Blur

Chapter Eleven

"Dan's coming…"

I heard Elliot's voice, but I couldn't stay awake any longer. I'd been up for hours and hours, randomly sleeping for ten minutes or so before being jerked awake from dreaming. I kept on hoping there would be more news on what was happening to me, but it was evident that it was going to be at least a day or so, so I let myself drift into sleep.

"Shut UP, you awful son of a bitch."

"But I didn't say…"

WHAM! My face stung. I knew better than to put my hand to it; the last time I did that, I ended up with three busted up fingers. Instead I stood there, backed up against the wall, as silently as possible. I could feel the metallic taste of blood in my mouth. I checked to see if all of my teeth were in tact; fortunately, they were all accounted for this time.

"Think you're so great, huh? Nerdy kid who lives with his mom…"

I was sixteen! Of course I lived with my mom!

"It's near impossible to ever be with her with you constantly in the apartment!" he yelled, knocking me into the dresser with surprising strength for a drunk man. I knew my mother had to be hearing this, but she'd ignore it, just like she had with the last boyfriend.

"Well? What do you have to say for yourself?"

I could hear my breathing, strained and afraid. I held my breath to try and stop the noise, but it was too late. I'd pushed his last buttons.

"WELL?" He shoved me down and kicked me into the table. The temple of my head smacked the corner of the table as I fell, and I knew I heard something crack before…

"JD?" I asked him. I could tell he was sleeping because he wasn't smiling or trying to nod in acknowledgement anymore. I knew he hadn't slept very much. I wouldn't either, stuck in a place like this.

I left the room, wondering if he'd heard me saying Dan was coming. Probably not, or he would have stayed awake.

I sat down in a chair next to his bed and sighed. "So," I said aimlessly, wondering what I was going to do now. I had planned to spend at least a half hour with him and I fully intended to do just that. "I renewed my driver's license the other day. You oughta see the picture—it looks kind of like you that time you ran Sasha into a bee's nest." I paused, but I didn't laugh. "Sasha misses you. No one's riding her anymore. At least, that's what Turk said…I don't know if scooters can actually miss people."

I bit at one of my fingernails. "I guess you heard about the State Health Department thing. Dr. Cox was pretty freaked…I guess I was, too. I thought it would be easy, figuring out what you had. Things are generally easy with you, JD. I suppose I was used to that.

"But you know what? We're going to get past this. You'll be fine by next week, laughing at your own lame jokes. Funny, I'd kill for one of those right now," I said weakly, actually wishing for one. JD's awkwardness made me forget my own. I missed regular JD.

"Well…" I trailed off. I finally just decided to get up and leave. "I'm sure your brother will be here later tonight, so I'll see you around." I was about to leave when I heard the long, solitary ring of the heart monitor. In the two seconds I stood dumbfounded my pager also went off.

"Oh my God…"

He was going into arrest.

"Wanna talk about it?" asked Carla, inviting herself to sit down next to me without permission.

"I'm sure the wild sex you and Gandhi manage to have biannually is pu-hositively wonderful, Carla, and even though I know that you've tried to propose 'experimentation' with me and Jordan, something tells me that neither pair is quite ready for it. Unless, of course, by 'experimentation' you mean tying Gandhi and Jordan to chairs and taking turns beating them over the head with mallets—by all means, I'm in." I took a deep breath. "Let's get to it."

Carla folded her hands in her lap. "Finished?"

I cocked my head in thought. "Yeah, I guess."

"Well, then," Carla began, and I felt myself starting to sigh. I didn't want to "talk about it," but that was Carla for you. "I think you owe it to Bambi to go visit him."

"Excuse me? Bambi?" I asked, pretending to be oblivious. "This isn't a veterinarian's office."

"JD," she clarified.

I cleared my throat. "Again? JD?"

She slapped me. "You can't call him 'Newbie' forever, you know. He's been here for more than three years."

And how much longer? I wondered.

"Then I'll continue addressing her with whatever girl's name pops into my mind," I resolved. "Besides, he'll always be Newbie. He's too much of a sissy to be anything else," I said, almost affectionately. Okay, so I'd grown used to Newbie. I'd established that fact. Now I was working on reversing three years worth of actually letting myself connect on some level with another human being, all within the past twenty-four hours.

"I know you're scared—"

"I'm not," I interrupted.

"—but you have to listen to me—"

"Yaaaaaaaaaaaawwn."

"—or JD's going to lie there and wonder why the hell you're being a bastard and not visiting him!" Carla's voice finally rose into an indignant yell as a result of my interjections. "It's not fair to him, Perry. He's always come through for you."

I rolled my eyes, trying to block her words out before I had a chance to consider them.

"I know what you're doing."

"You watch the Sopranos, too?"

"You're trying to shut me out," she continued as if she hadn't heard my comment. "You don't want to face it. I know the feeling. But if you keep acting like this, you'll only be digging yourself into a deeper grave."

"What'd you do, rehearse this?" I asked sarcastically.

"There you go again," she pointed out. "Trying to avoid it. You keep thinking if you deflect it, I'll go away. But I know you. You're not going to get away with the bastard-act with me. Or I'll sic Jordan on you, and I'm not even kidding this time." Her tone was dead serious, so I knew she didn't mean it as a joke.

After a moment, Carla said, "He needs you."

I scoffed. "He's a big boy. He'll be fine."

"But what if he isn't?" she asked, and I could hear the pain in her voice.

I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to think that there was a possibility that Newbie wasn't coming back, and I sure as hell didn't want to hear Carla crying. How could she possibly understand how hard this was? How could she even pretend to know what I was feeling?

I looked over at her, saw the tears running down her cheeks. And I realized that she did understand. I wasn't alone in this silent fear. I'd only made myself believe I was.

"What if he isn't…" she muttered again, choking back a sob.

"Shut up," I yelled. "Just quit it, will you? You think guilt tripping me is going to change anything? Newsflash, Carla—I'm never going to change. I'll wake up tomorrow the same self-loathing narcissist I am today." I was on my feet by now, my face hot and eyes burning with fury.

Carla stood up beside me, getting right in my face, her eyes watery and red. "Don't lie to yourself—and don't you dare try to lie to me."

We stood there in a stalemate, each daring the other to make the first contradiction. I felt my fists clench and shake; I needed to hit something. I needed to yell. I needed to get out of this room, god damn it!

Turned out, though, that neither of us needed to speak to end the battle. The battle would never be won. Our pagers both sounded, the beeping synchronized. Sickeningly enough, I was almost certain of the emergency before I flipped open the pager and read the memo.

Carla gasped. I felt numb, and before I knew it, I was racing down the hallway. I couldn't believe it. I wouldn't. But I had to make sure.

I had to make sure JD was still alive.

Nanananabooboo! So, yeah. Ummm. Hell Shift on Saturday and Sunday AND today, don't expect an update anytime soon. Ugh. How the heck am I gonna get my homework done?? Stupid learning, getting in the way of everything...who has that anti-high school hair conditioner/shampoo? I want some. Don't tell me it's not real, I've heard the rumors!

Lol I haven't slept it DAYS. I swear to god, I'm practically hallucinating. At one in the morning yesterday I actually CRIED because Simon died in Lord of the Flies, and I was reading the freaking CLIFF NOTES--not to mention that I already read the darn book in the eighth grade two years ago. Then I started babbling to my coach about a conversation I was about a hundred percent sure we'd had, but she looked at me like, "What the hell...?" so apparently that discussion never HAPPENED...yeah...I'm gonna sleep now...

REVIEW and maybe I'll update instead of sleeping tomorrow after the Hell Shift. I'm literally working 9:00-4:00 at the store I work part time for, then babysitting from 6:00 till god knows when...Sunday is similar, lol. Lol. I can imagine those lil kids all, "Umm...what's fanfiction...?" Now THERE'S a can of worms I'd rather not open. I'll be watching Disney movies and conking out over sippy cups when they go to bed. SO REVIEW.