A/N: It's been a while, I'm so sorry. This chapter has been rewritten at least two times entirely and I'm starting to get really worked up because of it. So many words have gone to waste, it's ridiculous. Anyways, here's chapter 11! If ffnet once again fucks up the format, I'm so sorry, I just can't figure out how to get rid of that issue.
"Party at Kiba's tonight, pass it on!"
Naruto barely had time to register it was Choji who'd yelled at him before he was gone again already.
"Geez, way to invite someone", he sighed to himself as he continued his way to the cafeteria.
"You throwin' a party tonight?", he greeted Kiba who was already sat at one of the bigger tables.
"Hell yeah! My parents are out of town and I figured it would be nice to have some friends over."
"Yeah, like your parties are ever anything compared to 'having friends over'. This calls for complete destruction and you know it. By the way, where's everyone? We two having a lunch date today or something?"
The blond elbowed his friend in the shoulder.
"Tsk", Kiba huffed. "As if I'd ever go on a date with you. I got standards, you know."
"What kinda standards would a dog like you have?", a voice spoke from behind them.
"Dude! Don't creep up on us like that!"
Kiba jumped up, facing the intruder. "And who are you calling a dog here? Imma show you!"
"Chill, Kiba", Naruto sighed, as he held the brunette down by the shoulders. "He's not worth it."
It was merely said by reflex, before he realized what he'd just said.
"Not worth it, huh? I caught a different vibe last night, though."
"Sasuke", Naruto hissed and Kiba went still for a moment before he looked between the two with the widest grin ever.
"Oh boy, the two of you? Awesome! Why didn't you tell me? I gotta tell everyone!"
He cried out so loud, a lot of heads were now turned at them.
"Shhhh, keep it down, you idiot!"
Sasuke was visibly enjoying Naruto's misery as he turned to sit next to the blond who was still half standing, with his hands on Kiba's shoulders.
"Just sit down, moron. You're the only one attracting attention here", the Uchiha said.
"So, you two coming tonight?"
"I do hope so", Sasuke answered with the dirtiest smirk on his face and made Naruto wish for the floor to just open up beneath them and swallow him whole, so he wouldn't have to endure more of this embarrassment.
"Oh god, he looks like his face's gonna burst", Kiba cried out in laughter.
It's not like he wouldn't have told Kiba, just not like that. But in the end it would most likely not have changed a single thing. That was just what Kiba was like, he was loud and nosy; and that was what Naruto usually liked about him. The guy was always in a good mood, nothing could really bring him down. With people like him in your life it was just so much more fun.
His mind returned to the topic though when he saw Kiba typing on his phone.
"What are you doing there?"
"Textin'", came the short answer.
"You're not gonna-"
"Totally not, you know I would never expose you like that."
"You already have, eh?"
"Yup."
Bless Sasuke's reflexes, Naruto wasn't on Kiba the next second.
"Let go of me, I'll kill him!"
"Ahahah, and you were telling me to chill just minutes ago, look at you!"
This was all just a big game to the brunette and that only made Naruto angrier at him.
He was going to get back at him at the party tonight.
"I swear to god, Kiba, this is not gonna end well for you! You got no idea what you got yourself into!"
But no matter how much he threatened him, Sasuke kept holding him back while Kiba just had the time of his life. The scene that was presented to the others when they arrived was near inexplicable.
"Yo, not to interrupt you, but everything alright here?", Shikamaru asked, obviously annoyed by the ruckus he'd walked into.
"Yeah man, Naruto's just throwin' a fit 'cause I've told Hinata and the others that he was Sasuke's new bitch."
"Is that so?"
Shikamaru raised an eyebrow at Sasuke.
"I never called him a bitch, though."
"Actually… But that's not even the point! Oh my god, let go of me already, so I can tear that motherfucker apart", Naruto yelled wildly.
"Geez, this is troublesome. We're in the cafeteria after all, Naruto", Shikamaru noted with a roll of his eyes.
"Do I look like I fucking care?"
"Sadly not, no", Shino chimed in. "We should maybe just get another table."
"Come on, guys, he'll calm down eventually", Kiba told them, still laughing though, while Naruto had started kicking him under the table.
"Calm down already, you can settle this later", Sasuke finally said in such a calm tone, it even impressed the blond.
"Okay, okay, but no more texting, aight?"
"Not like I have to anymore. Once the message's spread, it makes its way around campus itself", he answered almost arrogantly.
"Plus, Sasuke holding you in the cafeteria with everyone staring at you doesn't really help either", Shino noted.
"I fucking hate you all! Let go of me!"
He pushed Sasuke off and starting pouting.
"So, he's the bitch after all?", Shino remarked jokingly.
"You can't just fucking leave it at that, can you?", Naruto snarled, visibly offended by the words now.
"Ah, come on, it's not like we really mean it. You know what we're like after all", Kiba tried to calm him down again but it was to no avail.
"Yeah… I'll see you tonight, then", the blond just said and got up to leave which had Sasuke following him almost immediately. Not in order to stop him but not to leave him alone when he was this upset.
"Naruto, wait", he called after him but still went to follow him as he knew Naruto wouldn't stop.
When they finally arrived at his room the blond struggled to get his key into the lock, but when he couldn't do it, he turned around to face the Uchiha.
"You couldn't just leave it, right? Is this all a joke to you? Am I nothing like a joke to you?"
"Naruto… That's not it. You know it's not."
"Oh, really? Cause I don't know how I'm supposed to know if you never show me."
He'd grown so damn emotional over the course of the past few weeks, but it was just so much that had been piling up. He couldn't hold it back any longer.
"I didn't mean to make you feel like that", Sasuke said as he stepped closer. "I'm sorry I didn't notice how bad you felt."
All of a sudden, he cupped Naruto's face with both of his hands and kissed him softly.
He wanted to push him away at first, but Sasuke didn't let him and pushed him against the door; not rough though.
His tongue was pushing against Naruto's lips and he let it in, gave himself to Sasuke like he'd done the night before; and in that moment, he felt he'd do this forever because it felt so right.
He didn't feel fragile anymore, or like a joke, he just felt loved. Their kiss had nothing sexual to it and it didn't feel like Sasuke wanted to go anywhere with it, he just wanted to kiss Naruto, and that was the best feeling he'd had in weeks, probably months. Sasuke wasn't doing this to get into his pants, or at least for the first time, he managed to make Naruto feel he wasn't.
When Sasuke broke their kiss again, he didn't just stop at that, but added: "Don't you dare think like that again and not tell me, because if you ever feel like I don't take you seriously, I need to work on it. You're not just a joke to me or anything, don't you dare ever think that again and not tell me."
He pulled their foreheads together.
"You bring out the best in me and I'm not gonna make you feel bad about it. You heard me?"
Unable to come up with any words that made sense, Naruto just nodded slightly, careful not to break the contact between them. He'd never seen Sasuke that pure, although he'd been sure he'd seen him in the most emotional state possible before, but this, this felt different.
"Good, then let's go inside and prepare for Kiba's party, what do you say?"
"Yeah, we should do that", the blond said, still dumbfounded. He wasn't sure this would ever go away again, because damn, the Uchiha could be stunning at times.
He only noticed how far off his thoughts had trailed again when he felt Sasuke's hand on his as the other took the key from him.
"Sorry, I figured it'd be faster if I just did this for you."
"Fuck, you always do it for me", he almost moaned at their closeness. Although he'd appreciated Sasuke not making this sexual, the air was beginning to boil around him. Hormones could be such a drag, Shikamaru had once told him and he'd been oh so right. He hated feeling like this, but at the same time it felt amazing, it made him feel alive.
"Are you alright?", Sasuke asked while he'd already opened the door and was waiting for Naruto to come inside with him.
"No- I mean yes, yes!"
"Okay, so… you coming inside or nah?"
"Uh-huh", he barely managed as his face lit up like it was Christmas.
"What's wrong with you? Are you coming down with a fever?"
He sounded so concerned, it made Naruto melt away. He then pulled him close in order to shut the door behind them and proceeded to hold his hand against Naruto's forehead.
Gods, he obviously didn't know what he was doing to him there.
"No, I'm alright, I swear", the blond almost stammered.
"But you feel insanely hot", Sasuke protested.
"So do you."
Blunt but useful. Now Sasuke knew exactly what Naruto was talking and that was a language he understood better than most people.
"You could have just told me this is about sex, you know?"
He was so open about this it once again made Naruto realize how much of a fucking virgin he was, even though he technically wasn't a virgin anymore.
"You don't just talk about these things!"
His face turned even redder.
"So, you're more the 'do and don't talk' type? I can dig that!"
"That's not what I-"
But before he could finish, Sasuke's lips were on his again, this time wild and demanding.
He'd never imagined him to taste this sweet, but it was most likely to all the coke he was drinking. He wasn't into sweet things otherwise at all and that, Naruto knew for a fact. Sasuke never ate any sweets, not even chocolate. Such a boring guy.
Before his thoughts could trail off any further, he kissed Sasuke back forcefully, needy as he was. He wanted Sasuke all over him again, just everywhere. He'd loved before, or so he'd thought but it had never felt quite this way. Sasuke was special, always so fucking special, and he was captivating.
"You make me go mad", he hissed between sloppy kisses.
"I was mad before but you drive me downright insane", Sasuke groaned. "In a good way."
"I love you", the blond almost whispered.
"I love you, too."
As if to cover the fact that he said it, he quickly proceeded to trail Naruto's sides with his hands, down to his hips and then moved one to the front of his pants in order to undo it.
"I won't fuck you again, trust me, you won't like that. Let me just do you a favor."
When Naruto was about to protest, Sasuke pulled down his pants and boxer shorts and gave his cock a slow lick.
"Oh fuck-"
When Sasuke repeated the motion Naruto thought he was going to go crazy. He placed one of his hands in the raven hair, giving him the illusion that it was himself who was controlling the Uchiha's movements.
"So hot", he moaned, as Sasuke took him in deeply. Oh boy, nobody could have prepared Naruto for the fact that Sasuke could deep throat. It caught him so off-guard he nearly came on the spot.
The Uchiha didn't dare say a thing but muffle moans against Naruto's groin. Was he getting off on this as well?
If his mind hadn't been so caught up in the blow job he would have considered it lewd.
"Oh god, fuck, not gonna last long", he warned between lustful groans as he tightened his grip on Sasuke's hair and began thrusting inside his throat, which barely seemed to bother him. Had he known how awesome the boy could give head, he'd tried this much sooner.
"Fuck's sake- Ah-"
Not that he made any sense anymore, but he couldn't keep quiet either. This was probably the best feeling in the world.
When he finally came, he came so hard he almost felt bad about it. Just the fact that Sasuke didn't seem to be bothered at all and simply started swallowing around him made him push that thought aside again as there was no way he could still concentrate on any coherent thinking anyways.
"Fuck", he cried out at the intensity of his orgasm and then collapsed against the wall as if he'd been pushed.
"Holy shit, I didn't know- Fucking hell-"
Still nothing coherent coming from Naruto, Sasuke finally pulled back and wiped his mouth on his sleeve.
"You are incredibly hot when you come", he commented, getting back up and leaning against the blond as if in an awkward attempt to hug him.
"You don't know how much you tempt me."
His breath was hot against Naruto's neck with Sasuke's face tilted downwards. It came closer with each breath the Uchiha took, until finally, his lips were on the blond's skin. Then his teeth. Then his tongue. It would have had Naruto hard again immediately if he hadn't just finished.
The air in the room just wouldn't cool down, as Sasuke continued to bite and lick his way along his neck.
"You have no idea what you do to me, blondie", he almost growled against the skin. Something about his movements was primal. Just like when he was really angry, it seemed like some beast had taken over him. It was just that this time, Naruto wouldn't feel any fear. Instead it only had him more excited. He still hadn't pulled his pants back up and he really couldn't be bothered.
"Kneel", came the muffled command against his throat.
"Mh?"
Before he could even give Sasuke a puzzled look, firm hands pressed him down by the shoulders.
"On your fucking knees. It's my turn."
Although he'd used force, it wasn't like Naruto wouldn't have obeyed him otherwise. But Sasuke pushing him down without even asking had another wave of excitement rushing through him. He only figured this was what doing drugs felt like, but if it really was, he could now understand why people did them. Sasuke had become the most powerful drug for him and there was no way he could see himself quitting him.
"Take off my pants!"
His tone had grown harsher. God, how Naruto enjoyed this little game. Not that he'd ever figured he was into such things, but ever since he'd started getting closer to Sasuke he could have guessed, because after all, the Uchiha was quite a bossy guy in general.
"Hey! Don't trail off like that!"
"S-Sorry", he stuttered and proceeded to undo Sasuke's pants. They'd already tightened under the strain of his erection pressing against them, so it must have come as some sort of release when Naruto had finally freed Sasuke of them and pulled them down just enough so that his dick could spring free.
"You're so hard already", escaped the blond.
"Watching you moan and squirm doesn't leave me unaffected, Naruto."
His voice was deep, almost husky as he said it.
"Now get going before I lose control!"
"So impatient", Naruto teased him and gave his cock a slow stroke with his hand. "You have no manners at all, eh?"
"Don't be such a tease, come on", Sasuke almost whined, breaking his role as the one in control of the situation.
Naruto just sighed and then went down on him. Thinking about what Sasuke had done for him, he tried to take him in deep as well, just to find out that he simply couldn't. There was no way in hell this was physically possible, and it frustrated him to no end because that feeling had been so intense.
He almost flinched when a soft hand caressed his cheek.
"You don't have to push yourself like that. It's not about the depth."
Naruto never would have thought that Sasuke could be so caring. He'd barely seen him anything else but ruthless and arrogant, but this side of him was probably what had drawn him in to begin with. You don't just fall in love with an asshole if you're not totally messed up, there's got to be something good to them somehow, and this was what was good about Sasuke. He could be caring and protective if need be. And he was loyal, even though one couldn't tell if they didn't really know him.
"Hey, don't space out on me like that!"
He should really stop daydreaming so much. It had become such a bad habit these days, he thought to himself and focused on the task at hand again.
Instead of aiming for taking Sasuke deep again, he proceeded to play with his tongue around the tip which immediately earned him a satisfied groan from the other.
When he started to increase the suction, Sasuke threw his had back and began clawing his hands into Naruto's blond hair, but not fierce enough to hurt him.
For a change, Naruto gripped Sasuke's hips tightly with both of his hands and held him in place forcefully. Not that he'd really had to, but he knew that the Uchiha enjoyed a little power play, which he made evident by yanking on the blond's hair. Still not enough to really hurt, but enough to be a warning to him. "Don't push me, this is not a fight you'd win", he growled lustridden.
Sasuke's whole body tensed as he came. He didn't cry out like Naruto had, but it didn't look much like he was restraining himself either. He just wasn't the kind of screamer the blond obviously was.
They'd managed to take a shower and look decent again before they went to Kiba's party, still everyone gave them the 'I know what you've just done'-look, at least that was what Naruto interpreted the stares as, when he and Sasuke arrived together. Sasuke was visibly enjoying this like Naruto was some kind of trophy. Well, maybe he was to Sasuke, but he just couldn't see it himself. He, on the contrary, hated it being so public. He didn't even know why, because he'd never had a problem with hitting on Sakura in public. Was it really because he was afraid what people might think? He wondered why, though because all of his friends were open minded and he'd known that beforehand. No one here would judge them, they weren't in the 80's. Homophobia wasn't that wide spread anymore, if he forgot about Sasori for a minute there. Maybe it was because he'd never pictured himself being with a man, maybe it was because this was Sasuke, but it just felt strangely inappropriate.
"Too bad that fine piece of ass is not on the market anymore", Kiba greeted Naruto by pinching his ass. Talking about inappropriate.
But he also knew Kiba had lied to him in the cafeteria. He would have dated him, Kiba had never been too shy about his feelings, and if he was totally honest, Naruto had had to turn him down on more than one occasion already. It wasn't that Naruto was Kiba's only interest, but he was certainly one of them and the brunette wasn't too picky about who he hit on either, though everyone knew he secretly only wanted to get into Hinata's pants. A lot of guys did, to be honest.
When Naruto decided to go with Kiba, Sasuke went to find Shikamaru. They'd never really stuck together at a party before, so why should they now? The Uchiha didn't even drink, he didn't need to be around Naruto when he got hammered. And Naruto didn't need to chill with the pot heads. Not that he judged them, it just wasn't his kinda thing, he figured. He'd never tried smoking weed before, though. The opportunity had never arisen.
The party was awesome, just like all of Kiba's parties were and they ended up in the backyard, playing flunky ball. By now, all of them were already far too drunk to still have good aim, so when someone actually hit, it was more of a coincidence but still, it was fun. Just when Naruto managed to knock over Kiba's can earning the brunette a penalty beer, thus deciding the match for his team if nothing more went wrong, things got messy. Kiba abandoned his position only to tackle Naruto into the floor.
They were both giggling like children when they got back up and the brunette started chasing Naruto through the whole backyard.
Of course, they ended up wrestling on the floor, still a giggling mess. The alcohol had surely taken their toll on them and they didn't even notice when Sasuke joined the scene.
"What are you doing on the floor?"
"Fucker spilled my beer, I'm showin' him", Kiba slurred.
Sasuke simply shoved the brunette off Naruto and added: "If you'd mind."
Then he turned to the blond mess on the floor, who was still giggling and rolled his eyes. "Let's go."
"Ow", Kiba whined.
"But we're having so much fuuuun."
"Yeah, I saw that." He held out his hand. "Let's go now."
"You're such a spoilsport", Naruto pouted.
"That's what they say, yeah."
His answer was dry, but Naruto was oblivious in his current state.
He almost dragged Naruto back to his room since the blonde was so drunk off his ass, he stopped almost every minute because he wanted to go back and have some more fun.
"Oh, we can have a lot of fun alone, you know?", Sasuke remarked sarcastically. The main reason he didn't drink was because he hated drunk people. He just couldn't deal with this childish behavior, it simply annoyed him. That was why he always stuck with Suigetsu and Shikamaru, they weren't like that, and at least Shikamaru definitely shared his thoughts on drunk people.
"Let's get you to bed, you giant-ass baby", he sighed, dragging the blond the last few steps.
"But I don't wanna go to bed alone", Naruto slurred and let himself fall into Sasuke's arms which would have earned him a shove if Sasuke wasn't so sure that he'd fall over if he did that now. What on earth made people want to be like this? He really couldn't see why anyone would drink so much. It wasn't anything more than pitiful. The worst was how helpless people were in this state. He remembered the last time he'd carried Naruto home and it had been good that Suigetsu had been there to stop him from doing something dumb, because the blond had been so fucking helpless, he'd almost lost control on the spot. He'd wanted him for months at least. Not like that, but if tempted enough, anyone would snap. At least that was what he kept telling himself in order not to hate himself too much for it.
But in this moment with Naruto not really in the same reality as he was, he wished for nothing more than someone to talk to. He felt so alone although he wasn't, and it reminded him of the way he often felt; alone with people around. It was the worst feeling ever, because rationally you knew there were others, but you just didn't feel like you could connect with them.
He decided not to stay with Naruto tonight; this wasn't going to work out.
"Come to bed with me", the blond slurred after Sasuke had somehow managed to find the key in his pocket, albeit him thinking he was playing capture the flag with him.
"Will you please just let me unlock the door first?", he hissed at the drunkard.
At that, Naruto pouted, or at least he tried, and said, in the most childish tone ever: "You're no fun, Sasukeeeee."
"I really don't care."
While Naruto still pouted at him, he finally managed to unlock the door and get them both inside. Naruto immediately stumbled towards his bed and almost fell face first onto the mattress when vertigo got the better of him. Sasuke managed to stop his fall, though, helped him get rid of his clothes because he nearly suffocated himself in the attempt of taking his shirt off, and placed him in his bed. At first, Naruto still begged for him to join him under the blanket, but Sasuke really couldn't see himself in that situation right now. He wanted nothing more but to finally get away, so he was relieved when the blond fell asleep not shortly after, the alcohol finally winning over him.
He would be so hungover the next morning, Sasuke considered leaving the city for a day or two, he really didn't need a whiny boyfriend who even put himself in that situation to begin with.
When he closed the door behind him as he left, he got his phone out of his pocket and send a text. It buzzed almost immediately with the reply and made him go to the only place that seemed worth going at the moment. He wasn't going to his room on his own when he felt alone and miserable, he wasn't that dumb.
"Come in", Sui called from inside the door. "It's not locked."
"You shouldn't leave your door unlocked at night, you know", Sasuke said as he stepped in and closed it behind him.
"Then lock it for me, would you?"
He caught the key mid-air and did as he was told before he walked over to the bed, letting himself fall onto the mattress like it wasn't a big deal. But he'd been here thousand times and more, the room was basically like his own, only without all the misery and loneliness inside it.
"So, tonight's not safe?"
Sui stood up in order to get rid of the clothes and the fake breasts for the day.
"Shut up."
"You didn't come here because you wanted me to shut up. What's wrong?"
Sasuke couldn't understand why he always tried to change himself into another person, except that deep down he did, since he hated himself so much, he was literally destroying his own body because of it. But Suigetsu's body was fine. He had a few scars here and there – called them battle scars – but nothing too severe. He wasn't too muscular, but he could have been if he went to the gym. He was almost skinny for a guy even, for a girl he obviously lacked body fat. He was such a pretty boy, it almost made Sasuke forget why he'd let him get away in the first place.
"Do you believe in parallel universes?"
"Why?"
Suigetsu gave him a puzzled look for a second, but then continued to change into a loose shirt and changed his ear rings into smaller ones that didn't hang down. There was almost no trace of Sui left anymore. Sasuke preferred Suigetsu anyhow. He was beautiful, he was perfect, there was nothing he'd change about him, except for his poor mental state that prevented him from seeing in the mirror what Sasuke saw in him. If he could, only for one day, make Suigetsu see himself with his eyes, it would probably change the boy's life entirely. All the flaws he saw in himself, Sasuke didn't see, or he didn't care at least, because no one was to be flawless in his opinion.
When Suigetsu sat down next to him, only dressed in boxer shorts, old feelings returned. He felt so damn lonely tonight he couldn't stand it, so he did the only thing that came to his mind in order to get rid of the feeling. He placed his head on the other's shoulder and closed his eyes.
"Let's not do this tonight", Suigetsu whispered but clearly couldn't work up the strength to push him away. Sasuke knew about the effect he had on him and he made use of it. It probably wasn't right, but it sure as hell didn't feel wrong tonight.
"I should have never let you go, you know", the Uchiha told him. He was a master of sweet words when he wanted something. Suigetsu knew this, but it still had him weak.
"You will forever be the one that got away."
"And you are high as a kite and, therefore talking nonsense."
"I'm not, I'm meaning this. I wish we would have met at a different time of our lives. We could have been great."
Suigetsu sighed deeply. "Just stop already, please. It's always the same with you. You only ever come to me when you're lonely."
"But you're lonely, too. Why shouldn't we help each other out? Humans aren't made to be alone."
When Suigetsu still didn't move away, Sasuke proceeded to kiss his neck, like it was okay to be kissing him, like he was doing this out of affection and not desperation.
Suigetsu let out an involuntary breath. He hated to admit the effect Sasuke was having on him. He'd run after him for years, of course this was turning him on. Fuck, the Uchiha barely had to touch him and he was ready for him. He didn't know better but to call it love, when it was most likely obsession. There had never been anyone else he'd had feelings for. He'd had sex with many, but none of them had really touched his heart.
Sasuke was right, Suigetsu was just as lonely, only that it was a feeling that stuck with him all the time. He had no one but Sasuke who'd only ever come to him when no one else was available. There was Shikamaru, but he wasn't much of a feeling kind of guy. They had sex when the opportunity arose, but none of them really made a big deal out of it, no feelings involved. Suigetsu was sure, no one even knew about them because he was sure no one could tell, even if they saw them together. Although it almost hurt him that not even Sasuke had seen it when he spent time with them. Or worse, maybe he'd seen it but he just really didn't care.
"You think too much", the Uchiha remarked, his lips still on the pale skin.
"Maybe it's you who doesn't think enough", Suigetsu replied, not that it mattered. Sasuke simply continued whatever it was he was doing. He gently pushed him down and got on top of him, although he made sure to rest his weight on his knees and not Suigetsu.
"How come you always go home alone lately?"
Suigetsu wanted to protest, tell him that he didn't, but sent Shikamaru away the moment his text arrived, but he chose not to. What difference would it make?
It would really make all the difference, because it would confirm just how much power the Uchiha still had over him.
"Why do we always end up like this?", he asked back, not that he expected a useful answer anyways. Sasuke was a prick and he always would be. Too bad that he was head over heels for him.
"Why do you always do this to me?"
"Because you let me."
Touché.
He wasn't some cheap fuck toy and he hated being treated like one but he had to admit that Sasuke had a point. He never really said no. He never really pushed him away, because he didn't have the strength to do that, but he just wished Sasuke would stop taking advantage of him, as much as he wished he'd never stop, because he didn't want to lose him either. Sasuke would inevitably leave him if he wasn't fun anymore. That's what he came to him for in the first place. He wished he could deny him, but his heart wouldn't let him. Right now, his room felt like a prison he'd built for himself and forgot to leave the door open so he could get out.
"Just be gentle, will you?", he asked for whatever reason.
"What?"
"Just… nevermind."
Their sex was always rough, mainly because Suigetsu knew that was what Sasuke needed. He was so numb, whatever he felt had to be extreme to even be registered by him. And he never bottomed.
It was a rule. They had spoken about it, but it was something the Uchiha simply refused. He wouldn't even let him try it. Probably was about power in the end, because it was always power play with Sasuke when it came down to it.
"You know that's my shirt you're wearing there?", Sasuke asked as he tugged on it and pushed it up to reveal the pale skin underneath it. "I should take this back from you."
He proceeded to take the shirt off Suigestu, just like he'd done with Naruto barely an hour before, but he couldn't bring himself to think about that too much. It would only ruin this moment.
"Have you lost weight?"
"I don't know. I never weigh myself."
It was a lie and Sasuke definitely caught it, but didn't say anything about it. He wasn't going to save Suigetsu. Not tonight. Not ever. All he could really do was have his way with the boy and then leave again. Just as he always did.
He really tried not to make it mechanic as he removed his clothes and watched Suigetsu take off his boxers, but with all the times they'd done this, it wouldn't quite work.
He knew exactly where to find lube and condoms in Suigetsu's room and there was nothing about the boy's stare on his body that still bothered him after all this time. He was surprised though when he only found one condom in the drawer where he usually kept a few.
"Got yourself a new friend I don't know?"
He wasn't going to let Sasuke have this conversation. He wasn't going to let Sasuke play him again.
"Oh, you do know him."
"Is that so?"
Nothing. He didn't even want to know who it was. Suigetsu was almost disappointed at his disinterest, but what had he expected of someone who had no feelings for him at all?
Without further ado, Sasuke got back onto the bed where Suigetsu had already made himself comfortable. He wasn't going to let Sasuke fuck him on the edge of the bed tonight only to have a sore back in the morning.
Since he wasn't too abstinent it didn't take Sasuke long to prepare him, not that he'd even have bothered. Their sex itself didn't last long. It was short and intense with both of them coming, although it wasn't quite the vent Sasuke had hoped for.
They fell asleep, still tangled up in each other, none of them quite wanting to let the other go and refusing to acknowledge the fact that they'd have to in the morning and that they'd have to forget what happened between them that night. Technically, Sasuke was with Naruto now, there was no more fucking around with Suigetsu but it just didn't work out for him. Naruto wouldn't always be there for him. No relationship did that. Relationship didn't mean that you held possessive rights over the other and that, he had to accept although he wasn't sure if he ever could.
He'd never chosen a life like that, technically he hadn't even chosen life in general, he was only still here because he never had the guts to end it all. It wasn't the same for Suigetsu. Deep and long scars on his arm, exactly one on each side told the story of a life that had been about to end, but didn't because he was found on time. He'd never cut himself before like Sasuke, he'd never slowly crossed that sacred line of cutting too deep, no. He'd gone all out that one time and showed no mercy with himself. That was what being suicidal really meant, wanting to end it so badly, you just did. Sasuke was sure Suigetsu hadn't even flinched when he did it. The boy could take pain like no one else could and he hardly ever said a word. It didn't fit his sensitive personality at all.
Sasuke remembered exactly how he thought he'd lost Suigetsu and how he'd cursed him for wanting to take the easy way out. In the end, that experience was what had kept him from really trying it himself. He didn't have the heart to do this to Kakashi.
As long as his will was still strong enough, he wouldn't let himself seek the easy way out. The only issue with that was that his mind didn't quite work that way. On bad days he'd still easily cross that line. He'd overdose without even thinking about it and if he were to die, there wouldn't even be a note, because he'd never thought to leave one.
Suigetsu had, and to this day, Sasuke still had it. He should have thrown it away, maybe burnt it, for it held all of Suigetsu's deepest secrets and feelings. He'd told him everything in that letter, and it was the testimony of a failed life. Suigetsu's youth died when he was first raped by his own father. He said he would have killed himself back then already had he known that it wouldn't be the only time. He'd been only five, victim to his parent's abuse for presumably his whole life, only to have his world crushed entirely. He began to isolate himself, stopped bringing friends over because he didn't want anything to happen to them, and then he stopped having friends altogether.
But his father never stopped and his mother never intervened until he finally ran away at 13.
Sasuke knew for himself that a life that has never quite been lived wasn't to be restored like that. He fought that same fight, although he had to admit he'd never thought it to be this bad with Suigetsu really. He'd never told him everything, until Sasuke had found his note. It made him feel conflicted between being glad that Suigetsu was still around, and feeling sorry for him still having to keep on living this terrible life of continuing horror. God knows, the boy still woke up at night screaming at the top of his lungs.
That was mostly why Sasuke had never been able to have a relationship with him. Suigetsu was broken, definitely broken beyond repair. There was no way they would ever work out, because if Sasuke was numb, Suigetsu was dead inside. Some days there was just nothing to him. He'd just be there like a lifeless shell, unable to do so much as talk to anyone. He would function, but only because he had to. When his suicide attempt had failed, there'd been others, two that he knew of, but it had never worked. His body had been poisoned, cut open and tortured in endless ways when he'd finally decided to just stop trying. Although it was sad that he only stopped, because he thought he was too dumb to even kill himself. The other times there'd never been a note or much of a warning, and at this point Sasuke figured that maybe one day Suigetsu might try yet again and just succeed. He'd hate to lose him, but fuck, the boy deserved salvation.
"You've never been just some filthy toy to me", he whispered although he knew how pretentious he sounded when really all he ever did was use him but it was impossible to show the boy how he saw him. If he only could, Suigetsu would see how much more he was to him.
He'd always loved him, but more like family. Suigetsu had never been boyfriend material because of how broken he was, but that was okay, at least for him.
He never heard how Suigetsu cried each time he left him again. He never felt the pain and the irritation in the boy's heart, he only ever saw his beautiful smile that he was sure could save worlds.
And thus, he left again without saying anything else. Time to return to what he'd run from. And that was gonna hurt. Technically, he had fucked up. No, not just technically, he had indeed fucked up. He was in a relationship with Naruto, they'd talked about that somehow, and then he'd gone and slept with Suigetsu. That was downright cheating. Naruto had every reason to just leave him. Fuck.
When he checked his phone he only noticed that there was nothing there. Naruto was probably still asleep, drunk as he'd been. God, that reminded him that he really didn't want to face the blond today, because hungover was nearly as bad as drunk. He didn't want to hear anything about how dumb people could be to always drink so much they turned silly and then felt sick for a whole day afterwards. That couldn't be such a great high that everyone did it. He knew what being drunk, no intoxicated, felt like. He had made his own experiences with alcohol as well, but none of them had ever ended well. He'd even woken up in the hospital once and they'd had to pump his stomach because he'd had so much he could easily just have died because he'd basically poisoned himself with it.
Alcohol was the worst of all the drugs he'd tried, hence he'd stuck with the weed. It made him relax, nothing more. Lit up the mood a little when he felt down, but not too much to make him reckless, exactly what he needed.
Whatever he tried, he would inevitably have to face Naruto today again and he was not yet sure how he'd go about with it. He probably shouldn't even tell him. Suigetsu never would. The boy always kept their meetings a secret, so that was nothing to worry about.
He decided it was best to just go to his room for a while. He still felt miserable, even more so than before, but he didn't feel alone anymore. That was exactly his problem, the fact that he wasn't alone, and that there was someone he'd hurt, only that Naruto didn't even know yet that he'd been hurt.
"Fuck!"
When someone knocked on his door, he fell back into old routines without thinking and answered: "Go away!"
Instead, the door just opened, and much to his surprise, it was neither Naruto, nor Suigetsu.
"Shika?"
"Sasuke. Suigetsu called me."
Shit.
"So?"
Shikamaru just shook his head, as he closed the door. "Don't play stupid. You know exactly what this is about."
Only now Sasuke noticed the brunettes clenched fists.
"Since when is this your problem?"
"It isn't. But it should be yours."
Shika's face was dead serious when he looked Sasuke right in the eyes.
"You know, you are my friend, I really enjoy your company, but you seem to enjoy Sui's company a little too much, am I right?"
"I still don't see how this is any of your business", Sasuke bit out, not even sure yet what Shikamaru was trying to achieve.
"Stay away from Sui."
"Or what?"
Their eyes were locked, fists clenched.
"You are such a pain in the ass, Uchiha. I'm not gonna get down on your level. Just leave Sui alone."
His tone sounded calm, but his body wasn't. Even his breathing came unsteady, making his discomfort only more apparent.
"All I'm saying is there's nothing you can do about it."
"So, Naruto already knows, huh?"
Sasuke's heart dropped. He'd never imagined Shika to be like this. Honestly it irritated him that he even bothered to come to his room and confront him. So, he indeed had feelings for Suigetsu, good to know. Too bad Suigetsu didn't know. That would cheer him up for once. But Shika would probably never tell him, because he'd never be willing to have a relationship. They were too bothersome he always said and, evidently, he was right with that. Far too much drama for something that was supposed to make you feel good about your life and yourself. At the moment Sasuke couldn't really see how that would work. He'd probably lose Naruto on the same day even.
"You wouldn't dare!"
"Yeah, that's what I figured. What's your fucking problem? Isn't it enough that you're some fucked up psycho? Do you really need to drag everyone down with you?" Shikamaru pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes, taking a deep breath. "Sui's been well, you know. There was no reason to step in again like that. No reason at all, Uchiha! Other than the fact that you needed a cheap outlet for your fucking emotions. How 'bout you do what you usually do and just go cut yourself? Hurts no one but the one who really deserves it."
Shika's words hit him hard, but instead of answering him, he jumped at the brunette and threw his fist at his face with enough force he was sure he'd leave a black eye. He'd get his ass handed for talking down to him like that, that much Sasuke was sure of. He knew Shikamaru was not even remotely as strong as him because he never bothered to go to the gym, and he never got into fights. Sasuke, on the other hand, did both frequently.
"Shit, you're insane!"
"You were threatening me!"
"I wasn't threatening to punch you, you fucked up individual!"
Sasuke couldn't take more of Shika's words and continued to rain his fists down at him. And all Shikamaru really did was cover his face, because Sasuke was in such rage, there was no way anyone could keep up with him when he was like that.
"Stop! For fuck's sake!"
Shikamaru could only try to get through to him as he felt the bruises forming on his face and arms.
"You're hurting me!"
He finally put up all of his strength and shoved Sasuke off, sending him flying backwards against his chair, which finally snapped him out of it.
"Shit", he hissed.
"Shit indeed! Are you out of your fucking mind?"
Shikamaru got up only slowly, his whole body hurting like hell.
Sasuke was visibly shaken himself.
"Isn't that kinda obvious? Fuck, man, I'm sorry."
The brunette let himself fall onto Sasuke's bed. "Damn, you got me good." He cautiously felt his face to even try and make out where exactly he hurt, or where he didn't.
"Dude, is your nose alright? Shit, I- You should cool that."
"Could you just get me a cloth and roll a spliff?"
"Sure thing."
After they'd smoked together, most of their conflict had been settled really, or rather it wasn't important anymore. Shikamaru wouldn't hold a grudge at him for what happened, Sasuke agreed to supply them for a while and they talked like reasonable people about what had happened with Sui.
"So, you really like Suigetsu, hn?"
"Was it that obvious?"
"Kinda."
"Shit."
Sasuke lit another one and sat down on the floor next to his bed. "What are you gonna do about it?"
Shikamaru shrugged his shoulders.
"Dunno. Nothing, I guess."
"Too bad, you'd be great together."
"Yeah, but Sui's such a troublesome person, it can be overwhelming."
Shika sighed as if he was really considering the option of telling Suigetsu for the first time. He probably was.
"That's right", Sasuke admitted and passed him the joint. "But I think it'll be worth it. Wouldn't harm you to go out more often."
"Yeah, right." The brunette chuckled. "What 'bout you and blondie?"
"I don't think I can fix this really."
"Yeah, me neither."
"Dickhead. Haven't had enough yet, have ya?"
They both had to laugh at this. Thank god Shika was such a reasonable person after all. With how it started, it could have ended much worse.
"So, we cool again?", Shikamaru finally asked.
"Yeah, cool."
They must have fallen asleep at some point; Shikamaru in Sasuke's bed and Sasuke on the floor next to it. Nothing that never happened before, still unusual. When the Uchiha woke up, the first thing he did was indeed check his phone, just in time to prepare him for who was about to knock on his door barely a minute later.
"I'm coming over now" read the last text message from Naruto in his phone and it had been sent just minutes ago, after Sasuke had failed to answer the messages before it.
"Shit", he groaned. "Shika! Shika, wake up! Naruto's on his way!"
"Huh? Wha-"
"Please, let me tell him another time, okay?"
He almost begged while the brunette still wasn't fully awake yet.
"Sure, cool", he only said and slowly sat up, leaning against the wall behind the bed for support.
"Sasuke!"
Shouting before you'd even knocked was such an awful character trait.
A lot of things about Naruto were awful if he thought about it like that.
"Door's unlocked, just come in", he called back and sighed.
The room reeked of weed so strongly, the first thing Naruto did once he'd entered was to open the window. "Geez, have you been turning this room into a smoke box?"
"Hey Naruto", Shikamaru greeted him, still leaning against the wall.
"Yeah, hey. Did you sleep here?"
"Just now, yes. Last night, no."
His answer was honest, though cryptic.
"I shouldn't ask, should I?"
Shikamaru just shook his head and looked at Sasuke who shrugged his shoulders.
"How come you're not hungover like hell? You were drunk as fuck last night." Coming from Sasuke it sounded almost like an accusation. Then again it probably was, since he hated drinking so much.
"It's not that bad if you drink enough water, which I always make sure to do."
He trained his look on Sasuke. "So, where'd you go last night? I remember you taking me to my room, but you weren't there when I woke up in the middle of the night."
"I'll be off then, see ya", Shikamaru made a quick leave, not wanting to disrupt the talk they were obviously going to have.
Sasuke raised his hand to bid him goodbye in a subtle way and Naruto just nodded at him.
"So", he raised his voice after the door had closed behind Shika. "Mind telling me where you went after that?"
"Look, Naruto, I didn't want to stay with you because of how drunk you were. You know I can't stand that." He still tried to avoid having to tell him today.
"That doesn't answer my question." He was right, it didn't.
"Did you come here on your own?"
"What are you asking that for?"
"Cause Shino saw you leaving Sui's room this morning. Care to explain?"
There was pain in Naruto's features all of a sudden. Sasuke hated to see him this way, but it was his fault after all. Had he not been such an idiot, they wouldn't be in this situation right now.
With that, he had to abandon his plan completely. Naruto didn't deserve to be treated like he did, and he didn't deserve to be lied to.
"I wish there was an easy explanation that made sense, or at least one that would clear this all up, but I'm afraid there isn't." Sasuke's gaze fell to the floor. He'd never felt bad about having more than one person at once, so it came as a surprise to him that it bothered him this much. He really cared about what Naruto felt and that freaked him out more than he'd care to admit.
"I wish I could say that this isn't what it looks like, but I can't." Gods, he was growing frustrated with himself with each word he said. "It's exactly what it looks like, I'm sorry."
He could barely bring himself to peek up at Naruto, only to meet the most pained gaze he'd ever seen in his whole life. The boy looked like he'd just straight up ripped the heart out of his chest and torn it to pieces. Technically, he had, but he'd never thought it would be this bad.
"I see."
It was the only thing that came across the blond's lips. No curses, no insults, he didn't even shout at him. Why was he so composed?
"I'm sorry, Naruto."
"I should have known from the start."
Sasuke didn't know if it was the pain in Naruto's beautiful blue eyes or the fact that he didn't even seem surprised that hurt him the most. At the moment he just hurt. Had it been worth it? Not at all. He'd managed to let down three people at once, which might not have been a new high score for him, but this time he'd managed to hurt people that were really important to him, which made it twice as bad.
"It's okay if you hate me now."
"Oh, I do. Don't you think you can just get away with cheating on me like this. You might be handsome, but that doesn't make up for your shitty personality all the time. This time, Sasuke, you have fucked up. You have fucked up big time."
Naruto swallowed hard before his voice got weaker.
"I trusted you. I know it was a bad idea to trust such a messed up fuck, but I still did." He sobbed.
"I put all reason aside to get this close to you, and you- you let me in. I thought-"
His voice broke and he had to take a shuddering breath before he could speak again. "I thought I was special."
"But you are. We wouldn't have this talk otherwise."
There was a bitter laugh between the blond's sobs.
"Thanks then, for even caring to tell me you fucked someone else. A noble move on your part."
His voice grew louder by the end. "We could have been something! Fuck!"
Naruto hissed in pain when his fist hit Sasuke's desk hard.
"Naruto, please calm down."
Although he really wanted him to stop, Sasuke didn't dare to step closer. He'd never seen Naruto quite this disrupted and he wasn't sure what he could even do about it. The only thing he knew was that he was exactly the wrong person to try and calm him.
"I can't believe this! You fucking tell me I'm not only a joke to you and then you go fuck Sui the same damned day! How the fuck would I be able to ever believe a word you said again? Are you not thinking?"
He was shouting, finally, but it didn't make Sasuke feel any better. He'd thought it would, but knowing just how much pain he caused the blond made everything worse, although he wondered how that was still possible.
Naruto shook his head in disbelief. "Why? Just tell me why, you fucking coward!"
"That will not help you either", Sasuke tried.
"It's not up to you to decide that! Now speak before I lose my temper!"
Sasuke sighed. He really didn't want to discuss this any further. Why'd he even told Naruto in the first place? He could've just lied about it. Maybe he would have gotten away with the lie. But something about the blond made him want to be open to him. He didn't want to keep this from him, he deserved to know. For the first time, Sasuke didn't consider lying an option; Naruto deserved the truth. "I was lonely. Fuck, this sounds like such a cheap excuse, but it's the truth. When I left your room, I felt alone, and I was miserable. Suigetsu has always been the only one I could turn to at whatever hour of the night. I'm not even hoping that you understand this, because it wasn't right, but it just happened. It was an old habit coming back up, nothing more, when Suigetsu was there for me."
"So, you're calling this an old habit? Is Sui nothing more to you than an old habit?"
Turned out he'd made it worse by his choice of words, great. "Then what am I to you? A new habit? Or not quite yet a habit even?"
"That's not what I said. You're twisting the facts, Naruto, that's not fair."
"Talking about fair when you fucked Sui, again such a noble move. How can you be so fucking full of yourself and hate yourself so much at the same time? It doesn't make sense! Nothing about you ever makes sense, you damned nutcase!"
Naruto had never insulted him on such a personal level before, or at least it had never hit Sasuke like it did in that moment, because he could tell the blond meant it this time.
"I don't know where you want this conversation to go, Naruto…"
"I don't know either! You make me furious!"
The blonde's voice was as shaky as his whole body, but Sasuke couldn't tell if he was shaking from sadness or anger. If he had to guess, he'd bet on the latter, because he had the strong feeling he was about to get hit.
But the hit never came. Instead, Naruto just stormed out of the room, slamming the door shut behind him. Sasuke had indeed fucked up big time.
A/N: Once I've finished this fanfic I'll edit it in its entirety to get rid of any continuity issues and to make the change in my style of writing less apparent, but for now, this'll have to do.