Dear Aaron,

My little man, you are starting to change so much! You are 4 months now (5). You have really filled out and are Mr. Chatterbox now and definitely Mommy's boy. You love Jack, but reach for me if you see me. I love it but see Jack's face. I think he takes your choice too seriously. I bet he did the same with his Mommy. I read that it's a stage in the baby book I'm reading. Your pediatrician confirmed it at your checkup, that there is a pendulum of preference between Mom and Dad that goes back and forth with babies, toddlers and kids. Jack was appeased when he heard it. I guess he is a little attached to you! Who isn't?

You just started to like peek-a-boo when I use my hands or block my face with a blanket. You also are holding things in your hand and examining them before they go right into your mouth. I bought some soft, rubbery ABC blocks a woman recommended from a retail store. I can squeeze them and they whistle. They are made for babies to chew on. You are starting to drool. I put a bib on you when it gets bad. The doctor said it might be the beginning of teething, but could take a few months for the first one to pop out.

You can't sit up yet but can kind of sit up when I put you on a Boppy pillow and a toy in front of you. I have to move your legs into a "v" so you can balance. It's works as long as you don't lean back. You seem to do best if we both have our legs in a "v" and you are between my or Jack's legs on the floor with a toy in front of you. You notice things and recognize certain shaped toys that are brightly colored. You are right on track as an advanced 4 (5) month old. I just have to watch what you put in your mouth.

I think about babyproofing for the future, but we can do that in the new house, even hire someone to do if Jack doesn't want to take out the tool belt and show me how skilled he is again. I'll have to remind him how much I enjoyed watching him assemble your crib. He definitely enjoyed my version of appreciation for his hard work.

We are on a road trip, same as Jack, but headed the opposite way, south to fulfill a promise. It's for Sawyer. It's been busy but I found time to get out without alerting Jack. I don't want to hide anything from him. It's not a bad thing, just not my secret to share and I don't want it brought up if they see each other again and argue. I was asked a favor by Sawyer before he helped save me, then I saved you along with Sun, Frank, Jack then Penny. I am going to do it. That little girl deserves to know when she's older that her Daddy's last thoughts were of her if he's permanently gone. I lost my Dad at age five due to divorce and saw him much less since he didn't come home to us. It changed my life. I saw less of him and still consider him to be the most stable, loving parent, even though Diane had an affair with that monster that took his place. I didn't want him to be the father so I will call Sam my Dad for the rest of my life.

You are the best road companion. I can see you in the baby mirror I have mounted to the headrest in the back. You seem happy in your car seat and are gumming on fingers and your fist. You love Patsy Cline, one of my Dad's favorites and, consequently, mine. Listening to her reminds me of the road trips to and from the woods I took with your Grandpa Sam. Those are the best memories of my childhood. I hope you like it because she's a great singer, or maybe because it will make you think of me someday when you listen.

I enjoy singing to you, especially "Sweet Dreams" and "Crazy." At night, I sing "Catch a Falling Star" to you because that's what Mommy Claire did. I catch Jack listening because I don't usually sing for anyone. It must have held personal meaning to her. Maybe someone sang it to her as a child.

We pulled into a driveway of modest, well-kept home. The front yard was landscaped in stone mainly, understandable with the climate here. It's too expensive to maintain grass in some parts of the country for people, especially if they have mandatory water restrictions certain times of the year.

You were all grins for Mommy. I asked if you had a good sleep as I took you out of your car seat. I brought your soft blanket for you to have tummy time or lay on while I talk to Cassidy. I sang part of "Catch a Falling Star" while walking to the door. It felt good to get this done. I had no idea what I was going to face, but Mommy's handled tougher situations and come through them, many you will never know about. I'm not going to defend Sawyer to her, but he was thinking of Clementine and his friends in the helicopter including me before he took that dangerous plunge. I just want to give the message, go home and finish our Mommy and Aaron weekend before Jack returns.

I rang the bell and said hi. I knew her face for certain. Cassidy was the woman from my days on the road, the one I helped with her fake necklace scam when my car was broken down years ago. I was when I was just starting to run from the law. She helped me check if the feds were tracking Diane by approaching her trailer in a wig for me. They surrounded her but let her go. She also spotted them in the diner later on.

Cassidy spilled stuff on Diane so she'd have to go in the bathroom and cleanup. I had climbed in the window and hid in a stall. I just wanted a few minutes with Diane. She didn't want to talk to me, her own daughter. After all Wayne had done to her, to me, she still chose Wayne. She said she'd call for help next time I showed up. I spent years of my life including 6 adult years staying around making sure he didn't end up beating her to death. It was that bad in the end.

Diane was a crap mother to me when she told my Dad to move out and let him move in. I will never do that to you, but Jack isn't that kind of man, abusive, mean, and an alcoholic. I won't let anyone scare or hurt you or us both.

I want a safe and peaceful home, a haven. I can't ever be with someone like that. Diane said "the heart wants what it wants." I'm not stupid. Her priorities were screwed up. Let's just say I learned the hard way that a good parent doesn't expose their kids to that.

Cassidy was surprised to see us. She laughed and said "Oh my God!" She hugged us both, surprising you because you couldn't see her. You turned to look at her and gave her that toothless, Aaron smile I love. I said hi to Cassidy. She said she saw me on the news and told all of her friends she knew me. She kissed me and said hi to you. I introduced you, little man.

She looked at me with surprise and said I survived a plane crash. That's obvious. Everyone knows that but I nodded. Maybe she's still stunned I showed up. She didn't think she'd see me again and asked why I was there.

Here it comes. . . I had to answer her but kept calm, ready for any reaction. I told her Sawyer sent me. Cassidy's smile disappeared. She invited us in anyhow. Maybe she's curious enough to hear the story. Maybe it was because of our past.

We went to her kitchen. I held you and bounced you. She offered the playpen. I set you in it for a time to talk. I took out some rattles and put your blanket down in the playpen. I had to place the rattle in your hand, then others above your head and beside you in an arch so you had things to look at and grab when you inevitably rolled over to your left. You can get to your tummy now, clever boy.

I talked with Cassidy first. I don't know why I broke the rule and told her about the lie except she is an ex-con and I trust she won't tell anyone after what she and I did for each other. I had to tell her so I could explain how I knew him. I told her the media, nobody knows this and can't be told but the island we left was a different one, a crazy one already inhabited. There were more survivors. I gave her the Cliff Notes.

It was a crazy story nobody would believe. The island disappeared into thin air when we tried to escape it on a helicopter that ran out of gas and crashed. After that, we were rescued. We had to lie about everything to protect our friends. I told her Sawyer was there. I don't know if any of them were alive with the soldiers killing people when left. The bad people on and off island were trying to take control of it and we were caught in the middle. That's how we got away, in the the soldiers' helicopter.

The pilot was nice, hired by the guy behind it all. He didn't like the soldiers. There was only so much room in the helicopter. I repeated to Cassidy, please don't tell anyone. Those people, the bad guys, were still out there and we didn't know if we were safe. We knew their secret. They faked the Oceanic wreck with all those dead bodies dug up from somewhere else and dropped the large, intact duplicate plane in the Sunda Trench. The person behind that is mega-rich. We know his daughter and she was hiding from him too.

I took out the envelope of money and gave it to her. It was $20,000 in 100-dollar bills. I wasn't sure how much to put in. I had so much. I could give more but knew she's a proud woman. Years ago, she talked about someone she broke up with and was bitter when we met. She loved that man and he conned her out of her life savings. Based on Clementine's age and the information, she was pregnant with Sawyer's baby when we met up. I shook it off despite getting a chill. Fate or coincidence?

Jack would say coincidence, it's a small world, but is it that small? What were the chances we would both help each other, open up and meet years later knowing the same guy, literally and in the Biblical way? I am not proud of the latter.

Cassidy thumbed through the cash, surprised at the amount. She stopped and put it down on the table, pushing it a little towards me. She said his name and asked if that S.O.B. was still alive. I didn't know. I had told her he disappeared.

She looked at me with piercing eyes. She's a bit taller than me and the color of her eyes are indiscernible, not quite hazel, but a mix of other colors like gold, colors that were light and pierced right through you like a knife, same as her words.

She asked next if he told me to come and give her an envelope of money? I was starting to feel a bit flustered, wanting to convey his concern for Clementine. She didn't know his last words were about Clementine. I told her he said where to find her and take care of his daughter Clementine.

Cassidy bristled. She got that bitter look on her face, the one I was waiting for. She said in a slightly sarcastic tone she's asleep in her crib. Should she wake her up?

That is not what I wanted. I don't want to upset my former partner in crime.

I wanted to leave. I told her I shouldn't have bothered her and could've sent it, probably should have.

I wanted to make tracks and get out of there before the anxiety that was held at bay overtook up me. It wasn't the confrontation part that triggered it. I can deal with that. It was revisiting hell island in my mind or thinking of things looming in the future. I felt it creeping up.

Cassidy's shrewd. She saw my agitation and softened her tone. She asked why I told her that and trusted her? I said because I thought her daughter had a right to know. She asked why he didn't come back with the rest of us? I still stood. Her questions were softer, but still piercing.

My heart rate picked up a little. I couldn't explain it right, how the helicopter was running out of gas so he jumped so we could make it to the boat. I forgot to mention Frank saying we needed to lose about 200 pounds off the helicopter for him to feel better about making it to the freighter. I didn't say we threw everything not bolted down overboard. Nobody else was willing to jump. Even if I was, my weight wouldn't be enough and Jack would have jumped right after me. It would have crushed me for Jack to do that, to abandon all hope of leaving.

She sighed and said what a coward. I looked at her. She didn't understand and I couldn't help her with that with the words stuck in my head. I looked at her and said he was trying to do the right thing.

She was reacting based on her knowledge of the old Sawyer, the selfish prick who landed on the island, hoarded and extorted. He changed slowly. He protected the group. He protected me. He became one of us, part of our group. He saved Aaron and had Jack's back that last day. We all changed. Even Jack, who didn't like me spending time with Sawyer, trusted him to protect me. I could protect myself but needed extra eyes with Locke's conflict with Jack, refusing rescue and convincing some of the survivors to go to the Other's barracks to live.

She looked at me carefully and said Sawyer was trying to get away from me when he jumped. She said she told him he had a daughter. He didn't lift a finger or call her and now she was supposed to think he was a hero because he told me to come there to help them? She still didn't raise her voice, thankfully, for me and my doodle bug. She said hell, she bet the money wasn't even his and pushed it my way.

I told her there was a settlement after the crash. I didn't need it all but she cut me off. Her words were kind. She said I don't have to explain it. I had the same look on my face when he ditched her. She said all she had was sympathy. She was sincere. I felt my throat tightening. I missed Sawyer, of course, his nicknames, friendship. I did love him but it was different than the love I had for Jack. She was completely off-base. I felt like I failed to deliver the right message.

She asked if that was his? I was confused. That? She asked if you were Sawyer's baby. I laughed a little and sat, trying to ease my anxiety. She knew nothing about it, what we've been through. If I cried, she would think it was because of him, not my nervous system, not the feeling of being overwhelmed and being unable to control it. I've been doing so good and I can't take those damn pills, now yellow, not green with the lower dose. I'd be unable to take care of you for a while, doodle bug. I sat, agitated. I rubbed my forehead and said no, I was pregnant before I met him. I lied.

Cassidy's gaze never left me. She was smart enough to know I lied. She said that you, little man, are not mine. I couldn't answer. She said I told her that we "cooked a story" for the whole world about the island and I told her the truth. She wanted to know why I was lying about you? I said it was because I had to. I looked at her, trying to communicate with my eyes but couldn't.

You are part of the bigger lie but one I can never tell. I don't want you ever to end up in social services, especially if I end up going to . . . I couldn't even think the word.

Oceanic, whether they believed us or not, enhanced the story and buried it as soon as possible, even tried to spin it in the papers as a hero's welcome back for the group. This was after the initial press release debacle that pushed me off the cliff and gave me the worst panic attack of my life. I've only had two big ones. Oceanic was unquestionably on board that you were mine and backed it up by adding millions to our settlement just for you.

The visit overall went okay. It wasn't great because I couldn't talk or argue and just let her throw out assumptions. When I wanted to explain, it felt like a fist was clenching my throat.

I did get to see Clementine who woke right after that, hearing our voices and baby sounds. Clementine loves babies. She wanted to hold Aaron and handed him his rattles. We sat on the floor with them. Aaron's blanket was spread out. Clementine, now two years-old, is talkative like both of her parents. She had questions about Aaron. What does he like to eat? Can he play dolls? Can he ride bikes? A lot were yes, no, someday answers. She amused herself while I admired her to Cassidy and to myself.

She has Sawyer's eyes and dimples. She's a beautiful little girl. I mused and kept those thoughts to myself. I made sure Cassidy knew what a good job I think she's doing. I said I could probably use some advice with ages and stages coming up. I have no idea what I'm doing and am reading a book, relying on it and the pediatrician for what's normal at this age.

She said to give her a call. She didn't know squat when Clementine was born. You'd think the hospitals would give us an instruction book when they sent us out the doors with tiny, helpless babies. They give out pamphlets on everything else!

Clementine was an angel, so happy and gentle with my baby. It was like two lost siblings finally found each other. They did look alike with the blonde hair and big blue eyes. Their happiness smoothed things over. Cassidy even played with Aaron. I think she realized my capacity for talking about emotional stuff was maxed out. I wasn't the same girl with high walls inside that didn't show feelings. She adored Aaron, saying what a good Mommy he had while playing with him, as if the conversation we had never happened.

Clementine took a shine to me too. She wanted to climb in my lap, play with my long, straightened auburn brown hair. She ran her fingers through the swirls at the bottom of it. Am I mommy's friend? Am I her Auntie? Can she call me Auntie Kate? Will I play dolls with her? I looked at Cassidy with a smile. Cassidy gently chided her saying Auntie Kate had a long drive but maybe she'll come over again sometime and bring Aaron. Wouldn't that be nice? It was an invitation. I turned to Clementine and said I'd love to play dolls next time but had a long drive to get Aaron to bed for the night. He needs his sleep like she did to grow bigger. I saw Cassidy's face. She seemed content with the answer.

Cassidy didn't want my money. She said she had plenty she wasn't using. Sawyer had deposited over $500,000 from the government in Clementine's name and the bank tracked her down. They added her as the parent and account guardian. She guessed he must have helped them on the inside because she called when she learned about the money. She found out he had been released. He was serving 10 for conning her out of the $600,000.

He still owed her the balance, not me. She could wait. If not, they had what they needed and more. They don't want for anything, even clothes for her daughter. There were lots of moms around at the school that share clothes when a baby or child grew out of them. They would find a mom with a baby or child in that stage and share. It wasn't charity and the clothes were usually in great shape. It's a community activity, just passing them along. Babies and kids grew so fast.

Cassidy told me to keep the money, stash it with more in case if that guy or his men comes after us. She asked if I had a gun? I said no but was going to ask a friend to get one for me. I was living with Jack and acquiring a gun legally was complicated with my charges. Jack would be opposed. She knew my charges were on hold. Pending federal charges and being in possession of an unregistered firearm equaled immediate jail time for me.

She said she could get one for me when I was ready. Just let her know. That way my Oceanic group including Jack wouldn't know. Don't let Jack sway me one way or the other with it. Do what I had to and protect my boy and myself. If I had nowhere to go, she said I could come down to her and we could figure out my next move. Nobody knew who she was. Just make sure I'm never followed coming over. She'll block her caller ID if she calls me for privacy so Jack doesn't know who called.

I was surprised at her offers then remembered how we helped each other on the road.

We're going to go back some time to visit. She has a job working in an elementary school office with good benefits. We won't tell each other's secrets, especially since she's offering to give the person a firearm who confessed to her she killed her step-dad because he was a bad man. I didn't say exactly what happened, that the fire was lit by Wayne lighting a cigarrete in bed, as usual. I wasn't 100 percent innocent though.

I imagined if Wayne was on the island, the smoke monster would have swallowed him the first night. But, to our benefit, it would have been drunk for about a week working his 80-proof body out of its system.

I mulled over Widmore on my drive back. I drove carefully but my mind was listing possibilities. He was cut from the same cloth as Ben. Penny had mentioned her father was from the island and left but she thought there was more to it. He had odd paintings in his office she thought had something to do with the place. The fascination and obsession obviously were still there. He was after something, not just land.

Penny picked this up from conversations since she was little but he never spoke to her directly about it. If he would come for us, why and how? If he was an Other leader before Ben, would he use the same tactics against us? Kill us or want information, knowing the best way to get it?

I had a strong taste of how Ben operated. It occupied my thoughts, an unwelcome companion on my drive home, making me tense.

The next night, Jack was back. He had put off the legal conversation over a week at that point. It didn't bode well with my nervous system. He wanted to talk to his attorney first, which was last week. He came back to me and wanted to sit down sometime this week, but who knows when? He doesn't work.

When he returned with his bags and gear Sunday night, he filled me in his guy's weekend. Some time was spent on the slopes, or, as Jack put it sliding down the slopes on their backsides after trying to look like pro-boarders and skiers. Some time was spent in a bar and restaurant his family used to visit, but they mostly hung out in the cabin owned by the Shephard's.

They all found it was easier to b.s., eat, drink and fall right into bed. He looked refreshed and said he was glad to catch up with them. The men were friends and co-workers before he left. They wanted island stories, but he had to be quick on his feet and also careful not to drink too much.

He added they wanted the down-low on me, saying I was hot and asked for details. Jack isn't one to share. He said they gave him a hard time and said let one of them have a chance to date me if I kicked his loser butt to the curb.

His colleagues were jealous of him. They asked why the hell wasn't he married and living in some glorious paradise with me and the baby, with all of us being hand-fed by servants? He tried to explain his passion for work, but they said he was full of it. There was a lot of talk about what they would do if they had his money. Work was not one of them.

They thought he needed to visit another work friend, the psych consult at the hospital, and check Jack in on a 72-hour hold. At least he took it for what it was, guy ribbing, and they didn't dig into his dad issues. I had no doubt they saw the Christian vs. Jack issues firsthand at the hospital and respected it as a "do not cross" zone. That's good. That's bad too. He needs to talk to someone and work that crap out.

I told him my weekend went well. Aaron and I enjoyed our time together. The good news was I didn't burn the condo down with cooking. He was pleased and didn't require any more explanation. Aaron was down for a nap when he got back. By the time I caught him up on my weekend, he had me in the bedroom partially undressed.

I could tell he really missed me. I missed him too. It was weird without his body wrapped around mine or mine around his at night. I let him know that. I don't sleep well without him. He said the same. We didn't waste time with chit chat after that. We had some catching-up to do. He needed to re-familiarize himself with my slightly improved curves.

We had a late dinner after putting Aaron to bed. My little bug was sleeping through the night. He is starting to eat a little baby cereal in a high chair, but is still mostly on formula. The combination fills his tummy, helping him to sleep longer.

He made the funniest faces when I put the baby cereal in his mouth. I open my mouth wide and encourage him to do the same as he watches my face. When he does, I use the rubbery spoon and put a quarter spoonful in. He makes that face, pushes it around his mouth with his tongue and sometimes over his lip, eyes wide and a little disgusted. It's mushy and doesn't have much flavor. I tried it. I scooped it gently and put it back in his sweet little mouth so he can swallow it. He's getting it. Once he becomes more proficient at eating and swallowing, I can start with a baby food.

We went through the baby's bedtime ritual, then Jack topped off Aaron with a bottle while rocking him in the glider. I watched from the doorway. He put him in the sleep sack, kissed his forehead, turned the monitor on and light off. I didn't detect any changes in his interactions with Aaron since our conversation and his attorney visit. I hope that's a good sign.

Jack still hasn't mentioned the POAs or guardianship for Aaron. Did he make any decisions yet? It's been over a week. I really want Jack to say something but can't force him. It's starting to make me feel nuts coupled with the Widmore conversation I had with Cassidy.

I was alone in the kitchen when he went to the bathroom and it all came back and hit me hard. It triggered a path my mind started to race down, the one that makes me panic.

My apprehension increased with thoughts starting to run amuck and feeling torn. Do I ask? Do I not ask Jack? What is his decision? I felt a terrible need to put Aaron's protection in black and white and make it legal. Widmore. Jail. Accident. Death. Anything could happen. What about Aaron? Who will take care of my baby?

Jack pulled me back into the present. My heart pounded like I had been running and the adrenaline had kicked in. I was startled badly when he put his arms around my waist and my knees buckled. He had to hold me up.

I stood quickly, recovering and turned around fast, eyes wide, breathing quickly. He's lucky I didn't lash out or pop up and split that bottom lip I love with the top of my head. I had fight or flight running through my veins.

He took me to the sofa and sat me down, kneeling in front of me. I was jittery, wanting to take off and run to the other room. He had one hand on my leg, looking at his watch, two fingers on my wrist for my pulse, his lips pressed together and expression unsettled.

Jack said something three times. I didn't hear him until he got me to make eye contact. He wanted to know about the realtor and appointments. I told him later, not now. I couldn't talk about it. I tipped my head back and took a deep breath, trying to get my heart rate down.

This is ridiculous. Why was I so anxious and wired right now? I looked in his brown eyes, tender, curious, and troubled. His pupils were wide, making his eyes dark. He looked into mine trying to decipher my thoughts.

Anxiety and adrenaline still coursed through my system. Something in my brain answered my own question of "why."

I'm afraid of his answer.

I'm afraid of how I'll react with the anxiety out of control.

I prayed Jack wouldn't push me to talk. I told him I need some space, some time. I didn't want to fall apart in front of him.

He frowned and pressed me to talk instead. He said I was too wound up. He wanted to know what's going on. "Dammit, just tell me Kate!" My willpower began to melt. The big, thick walls I had for years had been kicked in and torn down by him on the island. He had the key to get inside no matter how much I resisted.

It came out in a gush, then a flood. I said I have to protect Aaron. Widmore's still out there. It's only been a few months. The island moved. He's going to come for us to find out what we know. He's from the island and wants it back. What if he's like Ben and kidnaps me for leverage? I'm the weak link with a baby and no powerful, gangster family like the Paiks.

What if he snatches me and Aaron is left alone in his stroller or my car? I don't care what happens to me. I wanted Aaron to be safe. I don't want him taken by child services. Who would take care of him? What if I don't come back? Widmore would eventually kill me because I don't know where it went? What if he kills all of us because we know about that place?

What if I end up in jail?!

My panic was on a roll and kept talking. Aaron would end up in a crowded shelter like Ms. Martha talked about when I was younger. He wouldn't be held when he cried or changed regularly. There wasn't enough staff. What if they put him in a foster home and he's neglected? What if it's one of those places where they collect checks for kids and have too many? What if the foster parents or kids hurt him? What if they take away my baby's pretty smile forever and make him angry and sad or worse? What if I go to jail and that happens to him?

My brain snapped after that. All I could think about was Aaron crying, Aaron hurt, and I felt dumb that I couldn't put my affairs in order because I wasn't sure if anyone would take him, not even the man I love. I was the one who wanted to claim Aaron. I didn't want him to be lost to us forever. Everyone in our group agreed and were supportive but would anyone take him if I was gone? Who would raise him to be a good man?

I won't force that on anyone and hate myself for having no real family, only a father across seas, and for being the run so long. Maybe I deserved bad in life because Wayne was bad. I might have to pay for having his blood. Why would Aaron? Aaron isn't his blood!

I was bawling. Aaron is my heart and an anchor to my soul. I love him and my heart hurt. He was my responsibility. I felt like I was failing him.

A part of me, a very small part, knew I was over the edge and nothing had happened. That small piece of logic was shredded by panic, like at the rodeo when an angry bull is on a rampage and takes it out on an empty, plastic barrel, kicking it, trampling and tossing it in the air until it's in pieces.

I knew about those shelters. Without guardianship documents, child services would take Aaron. He would go to a temporary, overcrowded shelter for children ages 0-10. Diane, went to school with a woman who would come by the diner after work to eat. I went there to do homework if Diane's boss wasn't in to avoid being home alone with Wayne.

Ms. Martha would talk about the shelter she worked at in Des Moines, Iowa. It was always full of children and never had enough staff. They cared about the kids and tried their best but the babies and children had just been take out of their homes and were traumatized, needing attention.

There were always at least one or two crack babies in the shelter that needed extra attention, monitoring and holding. They had up to 10 babies including the crack babies at any given time and many cried in their cribs. They relied on well-screened volunteers to help with the kids but it was inconsistent and volunteers couldn't change or feed the babies to protect them. She could only have one in the nursery room at a time to rock one baby.

The babies and kids were usually there up to 4 weeks for foster care placement. Some were there longer like the crack babies. I pretended I couldn't hear her while I did my homework. She sat at the counter. Mom poured her extra coffee and listened, not saying much, like a sympathetic bartender.

I don't want Aaron to end up in a place like that!

I bolted to get space. I don't remember escaping Jack from the couch. He's bigger than me and fast but I was in the farthest corner of the bedroom after stumbling over his weekend pack, skis, ski boots, and snowboard. I was crying, angry at myself, trying to keep him away from me surrounded by a minefield of gear.

I felt like I had failed already.

My mouth and brain had parted ways in the living room.

I told Jack he should cut his losses. If they want to send me to jail for a long time I may as well be dead because I will have nothing to live for anymore. Jack would find someone else. Aaron would never know me.

I have never been suicidal in the past. I am the consummate survivor. I wasn't thinking right.

I was the speeding car again with nobody driving.

Jack approached me. I backed up against the wall. My brain couldn't register his face, only his slow approach and the threat of medication so I couldn't take care of Aaron.

I started choking for air, then vomiting dry heaves. Things turned grey before I folded over involuntarily. The last thing I remember is feeling the back my head hit something sharp as my body weight followed. Everything went dark.

I woke hearing a muted beeping noise. My eyes were closed and head ached. What the hell happened? I couldn't remember but the back of my head hurt and stung terribly at the same time. I could breath. I slowly assessed my body. My left arm hurt. I had an i.v. I hate the damn things. I still struggled to remember what happened. I was so tired. I felt a presence but was too tired to peek. Everything was fuzzy in my mind. I drifted back to sleep as I tried to recall what happened.

I heard low voices. They were standing away from me, away from the bed, whispering. I recognized one. I heard the words grade 3 concussion, sutures, trauma-induced. My head pain had faded. I felt warm and fuzzy. I already finished grade 3. Why were they talking about that? I took a breath and heard a voice, Tommy. He was waiving. He wanted me to race him to the round pen to watch his dad and a farm hand to train a three year-old mare. She wouldn't be saddle broken for another year or more because her bones structure wouldn't be full grown until she was six. It was fun to see the men try to coax her. Today was the horse halter.

I took off and we went to stand on the fence as spectators, debating if they would be able to catch her today and put it on the mare without her fighting it and running off.

She bit someone yesterday. She was a feisty one.

My head hurt. It stung. My arm stung too. Something was jammed into it. I wanted to take it out. My eyes were closed by my right hand weakly slid over and pulled at whatever was stabbing me. I yanked it and the pain was gone but my forearm started to feel a gush of warm and wet fluid. I heard a loud alarm beeping next to me. I was glad I got rid of that thing. It hurt. I heard voices, feet, cussing. My brain wasn't fully awake. A flashlight shone quickly in each eye. Reactive not equal, someone said. Reactive not equal. I tried to remember something, someone important. Reactive not equal. My brain wandered. Reactive not equal. The alarm was off and I drifted back to sleep.

I woke. Where was I? Where's Aaron? My eyes had opened but vision was blurry. I was alone. I was in the hospital. Who had him? Child services?

I was panicking, yelling for Aaron, trying to take the layers of tape off to rip out the I.V. and find him.

I tried sitting up but fell back immediately and passed out. I don't know how long I was unconscious.

Where is my baby? I was stuck in a damn bed and he might be in one of those places because something happened. I couldn't remember how I got there. I shouted his name, tears in my eyes, my head throbbing every time I used my voice. I picked and pulled at the tape. I had almost worked it off.

I heard feet running and saw Jack when he reached the bed followed by other doctors and nurses. I asked where Aaron was? Where is he, Jack?! I wanted to know where my baby was and was shouting his name. He tried to soothe me but I needed Aaron to be safe. I told him to find him. Get him back for me! I can take care of him!

I was ready to yank out the i.v. and felt strong hands grab my right one and pin it to my right side and someone pinning my left. Someone said restraints and I started screaming. I didn't want to be restrained or cuffed.

Please, don't! Don't cuff me! I didn't do anything! I just wanted my baby! Why wasn't Jack stopping them?

His face was worried. I fought the arms that held me firmly and felt the padded cuffs go around my forearms and tighten. I started to cry and wail the word "No" loudly.

I fought like an animal, as hard as I could. I saw Jack's face. It's the last thing I remembered before things grew fuzzy and faded.

He looked terrified.

It was quiet. I shifted my arms. They were free. I opened my eyes. Jack was sitting beside my bed in a lounge chair. It was converted to a bed but he sat on the side, his face in his hands. My head was hurting and I was thirsty. I tried to say his name, Jack, but all that came out was a dry, cracked whisper. His head whipped up. His eyes were bloodshot, shirt and pants were wrinkled and shirt covered in blood. Who's? Mine?

He was dressed in the clothes from dinner after Tahoe. Was it a few hours ago? I didn't know. He stood quickly and poured a glass of water from a tan pitcher. He brought it to my mouth with a straw and told me only small sips at a time. I was so thirsty.

He looked at my eyes and swung a pen light over them after and seemed relieved at the results. He had stubble. Island length stubble. I was confused. How did he grow it so fast? I whispered Aaron? It came out a plea. I needed to know where he was. Jack looked me over and brushed some hair behind my ear. I was rigid, waiting for the answer. He sighed.

He said his Mom had him. The baby was fine. Margo and Carmen had been taking care of him alternating time. They each wanted to help out and were very worried about me. I'm not allowed to have visitors, otherwise they would be here too.

I looked pointedly at him. He said he was a doctor, he gave a self-depreciatory laugh with no mirth behind it. Non-practicing, but he had privileges. He looked at my face, my eyes, my lips and followed that by gently touching the same with his finger and fingers. He rubbed my earlobe gently as if I was made of glass. I tried to turn my head to him and grimaced. My head hurt badly.

He asked if I was in pain. I whispered yes, bad. He took the controller wired to my bed and touched a red button, asking the doctor to come to the room. Jack told the answering voice I was awake and in pain.

He took my right hand and held it silently, watching me carefully, looking for something in my eyes. He had a look I can only describe as concern or fear I was going to disappear.

I felt confused, but relieved Aaron was okay. His hand and fingers felt good on my face.

The doctor came in and said hi to Jack. Obviously, a friend or colleague. He introduced himself and I didn't catch it all. It was Geoffrey? There was a nurse behind him with a tray she put down. I gave her a suspicious look. She took a clipboard from the end of my bed. I couldn't move my head.

He looked at my eyes with the swinging penlight and said some things to the nurse as he checked vitals. He tried to tell me about my injuries. Concussion. Sutures. I was confused. I looked at Jack but can't speak much. I didn't know I had those, I thought. How did I get them? No wonder my head hurts.

Dr. Geoffrey looked at Jack. Jack said he'd talk to me about it later. The doctor asked me the last thing I remembered. I whispered dinner, home. He nodded, taking notes and looked at Jack with some silent meaning.

He ordered something for me. I didn't have enough time or ability to ask what it was or protest. The nurse injected it in the i.v. port and I started to feel warm and the pain recede. Someone patted my leg. Dr. Geoffrey? He said he'd check on me in a bit.

Jack stood and ran his hands through his hair. "What happened?" I whispered Jack. He came over slowly and dropped the right bedrail. He moved his chair over and held my hand again, kissing it.

He said, "Don't worry, Kate. Rest." He told me everything's fine. Then why was I here and he looked like he hadn't changed or showered? It looked like he was exhausted from a multi-day trek in the jungle. I felt my eyes grow heavy.

His head was on my bed and eyes closed. I put my petite hand on his cheek before I fell asleep.

I could hear Jack's voice, speaking in a quiet tone. It was distant. I opened my eyes. He was talking to the doctor. Consulting maybe about me. I couldn't call to him. No voice and my head hurt. I waited. I wanted to sit up but remembered it made me pass out when I did.

My body was at a slight angle with pillows behind my left side and my left arm with the i.v. on top of a pillow. It's taped well and wrapped now with gauze and some kind of stretchy sleeve over it. Two pillows are in front of me and one between my knees. I was comfortable but, God, my head.

The doctor and Jack leaned over the clipboard that was on top of a pink binder, then held up films, looking at them through the daylight. It must be my file, I thought. I sighed, ready to close my eyes again and try to sleep.

He must have sensed me. Jack looked at me, said something to the doctor and strode in alone. He asked if I was thirsty. I looked up, eyes only. I didn't have to say yes. My chapped lips should have been a dead giveaway. I tried to lick them. He already had the straw at my mouth. Small sips at a time.

He left the room and got a small sponge and cup of water and dampened my lips. I scowled. I love clear Chapstick. He gave a half smile and said he'd get my Chapstick, just not yet. He knew I wanted it without my asking. I gave him a small smile. He leaned over and softly kissed my forehead.

Jack said the doctor will give us some time together before he came in to talk. Geoffrey was a friend of his. He was a neurologist as well, specializing in severe concussions and brain injuries. Brain injuries? He went on to say he had questions for me, just a few.

He would explain more later but I had an injury and stitches on the back of my head so try not to move or it will hurt. "Be patient, Kate." Be patient. He said that another time. Be patient. When did he say that? Be patient with me.

He asked if I knew who he was. I rolled my eyes. He sat on my bed where there was a space partway down. My lower legs were tucked back with the pillow between and it left a nice gap for him. He said that answers the first question.

He asked the last thing I remembered. I whispered dinner.

Do you remember where Aaron is, he asked. Margo, Carmen. He nodded.

He then asked some more questions. Who is the President? Bush.

What year is it? 2005.

Do you know where you are? Hospital.

Do I know why? No.

Do I know how long? No.

Do I know what day it is? Sunday or Monday?

I wondered if that was the wrong answer because he pressed his lips. He said it's okay. I whispered what's wrong? He said I was asked this a few times before and given the answers each time. I didn't remember that. I whispered give me the answers now.

He said I'm in St. Sebastians. I have a severe stage 3 concussion and 16 sutures. I've been here 4 days. It was Thursday. 4 days? Concussion? Sutures? I asked why? He said he will explain later. It's okay. Relax. Let the doctors and him take care of me. Aaron's happy and his Grandmas' are spoiling him.

Jack smiled but it didn't reach his eyes. His brows were together. He said he's sorry I was hurt. I saw sorrow in his face. He said things will be okay now.

I don't know why he's apologizing. It bothered me. I winced, feeling a headache come on. Why was he sorry?

I was sitting up finally at an angle. I don't know how long I've been at this hospital or what day it is. My head still hurt but they had changed my meds to something that didn't knock me out right away. It still made me sleepy though.

I didn't ask what they were giving me. If it made the pain go away, I really didn't care anymore. Jack had changed and showered. I don't know how long he was gone because I was asleep. I still had a gap in my memory about what happened and he didn't fill it in yet. It was frustrating but I didn't fight him.

I was finally allowed to eat real food but it was all liquid. I lamented my thin arms and body, feeling weak. Franc had his work cut out for him. I was sliding back to ground zero with low body fat.

I wasn't allowed visitors yet but had a nice, private room with a window. The window ledge was full of flower arrangements, cards, balloons and even a few stuffed animals from friends. I thought they were from my Oceanic friends, my family.

I ask Jack read the cards to me when he's in. Sometimes I forgot who gave me something. It's annoying to me. My mind used to feel like steel trap. Now it felt like a steel trap missing a spring lock.

I don't remember staying in a hospital before this. I stayed in a bed somewhere, the airport I think, on a trip. Things are filtering back in bits and pieces that I remembered and were fuzzy. I remembered most things.

Short-term I have a few things that are missing. I don't know what happened after dinner. Jack's holding back information. Is it bad or does he just feel bad or both? Did I do something bad?

He stays with me and sleeps here at night. I'm glad he does. It would be lonely. He even contacted my Dad. I don't remember what he told my Dad. I do remember he got something back saying "You better take care of my girl." His girl. I'm his girl.

That made me smile.

There were things on the edge of my brain that were important but I can't recall what they are. I guess they can wait, whatever they were.

I was hoping to see Aaron. I missed him. Jack said as soon as I am cleared for it he can come in briefly but has to go after. A hospital has sick people and isn't the best place for a baby to hang out unless it needs treatment. They usually didn't allow visitors under 14 years old for my unit but would make a small exception for me. A very small, smiley exception.

Despite the gaps, I remember most of my past. I can remember up the island, rescue, press release, then a few things are unclear. Some new things have to be repeated to settle in my brain.

The doctor said just give myself some time. Jack sat in the meetings. He sits in all of them, even just vitals. I remember The Lie and don't discuss the island.

Jack said if I can't remember, just ask him. Once the swelling goes down and things are healed, it might all come back and I'll be good as new. The brain is a miraculous thing. It could take eight weeks, maybe more or less, but he said he isn't going anywhere.

My first visitor isn't tiny. He's a welcome one though. It was Hurley. He didn't stay long. He said only one visitor at a time. Jack had stepped out of the room and was outside. Hurley sat and asked how I was. I said okay I think. I can't remember some stuff.

Hurley lifted an eyebrow and said that may not be a bad thing. There are things he wishes he could forget. I know he is trying to add humor but is serious at the same time. I am propped on my side, facing him, my i.v. on the pillow. I know I am tiny in the bed. He took my hand and squeezed it. He said no hugs today. Jack said I had a heck of a cut on the back of my head.

I gave him a sullen look because I don't know what happened. I asked Hurley if he knew. He said, "Yeah, um, about that. I'm not supposed to tell you. Jack will. It's not a big deal, but..." He said he has to go but will see me soon and patted my hand. He seemed afraid to touch or kiss me. He said "Love you, Kate!" and left quickly.

Carmen came next. I was surprised to see her. I thanked her for caring for Aaron. Tears fell from my eyes when I said his name. I winced because it made my head throb. She wiped my eyes and cried herself saying, "Don't cry, hija." She told me she loves me. She wanted to come sooner but those doctors, she glared at the word "doctors," wouldn't let her. She was mad and told them she is my Ma. Dr. Jack had to talk to explain I wasn't awake much and didn't remember. She asked if I remember her. I smiled a little and said yes. Of course. I will always remember her.

She smiles and pats my cheek very softly. She said don't worry, hija. Nobody takes Aaron from his familia. Abuela Carmen takes care of him but she shared with Grandma Margo so she can enjoy his happiness. He will be glad to see me.

I felt relieved. I thanked her again. I was so worried, she had no idea. She said she has an idea. Dr. Jack told her some of what happened. She will get the rest out of him. He can't hide that information from her. She will talk with me again later. She kisses my cheek very softly and tells me to rest.

I thought visitors were done. Jack peeked in and asked if I am ready for more. I said yes but was sleepy. I hear him before I see him. He is gurgling and trying to talk. Jack walks in with Aaron in his arms and Margo. I know they are breaking a few rules but I don't care.

I cried when I saw him. My baby. Aaron freezes, then started to pump his legs wildly in excitement and reached for me. He would have fallen out of Jack's arms if he didn't have a good grip. Jack sat on the bed by my knees and held Aaron close enough for me to touch with my right hand. Aaron grabbed it and started fussing.

"He wants you to hold him," Jack said. Aaron was agitated and loudly said "Dada" over and over. My eyes flew open. I looked at Jack and Margo. Jack shrugged and said sorry. He wanted to save it for a surprise. He should be saying Mama soon. Dada was easier for him.

Margo sat beside me. She smiled and patted my hand too. My right hand was the only unencumbered one and closest. She said she was glad I was making progress.

I remembered she took care of Aaron too and thanked her, tears flowing, despite my head pain. I was afraid he would be taken away since I was sick.

She said don't be silly. We would never let that happen. Jack would have cared for him but he's hardly left my side. He's called every day to check on him.

Aaron was still grabbing for me as they talked, wanting me to hold him. I looked at Jack, pleading without words, but he said no. It will be a lot more painful than I think and he can't raise my bed much higher and keep me conscious.

I had to be content to reach out and touch Aaron's hands and chubby legs. He tried to take my fingers and put them in his mouth with eyes focused intently on them until they're near his mouth and he's almost cross-eyed. Funny boy! I didn't recognize his clothes. I either forgot them or they were new. I thanked Margo again. I was going crazy not knowing where he was.

She said he brings a lot of joy to old ladies like Carmen and herself. She kissed me gently on the forehead and looked at Jack conveying some message. My eyes were drooping.

Jack said he'd be right back. Kate, stay awake. Just one more person. He held Aaron close enough for me to smell his head and kiss him. He made a grab for my hair but Jack caught his little first.

I fought sleep badly. I was so tired, my mind started to drift. Jack said to wake up. Here's the last visitor.

I opened my eyes and saw an older man. It didn't register who he was initially. He was in a gray green uniform decorated with many medals. He stepped in a few paces and took off his hat, tucking it under his arm, tears in his eyes. "Hello, Peanut." He said. I reached for him slowly, sliding my right hand through the bedrail bars and he walked over.

"Daddy," I whispered, choked up. My Daddy came to see me.

I miss you doodle bug! You are good medicine for my soul. I hope you learn to say Mama too.

My Daddy is here! I can hardly believe it! You finally met Grandpa Sam.

I love you,

Mommy