Disclaimer: I own nothing affiliated with Harry Potter. *sad face*

Chapter Eleven: Selfish

Laurel was the next to capture one of Severus' pieces. "Alright, so this question might seem a bit unusual, but trust me, it is essential in learning about a person." Pausing for dramatic effect she resisted the urge to beat her hands on the table in a drum roll, "Dogs, or cats?"

"Neither."

Laurel blinked, "What kind of an answer is that? You have to choose one or the other."

"That is absurd since I would refuse to have either. Dogs cause such a ruckus, and would most probably end up destroying a good portion of the potions I make."

"So then you would choose cats?"

"Of course not, they are much more intelligent than dogs are, and their independence is surely refreshing, however the dreadful things make me sneeze something horrible."

Laurel leaned back in her chair and gaped at the man before her. Severus Snape, potions master extraordinaire, the man who has perfected the art of intimidation, was allergic to cats. It made him seem almost, well, human.

Laurel was so caught up in trying to understand what she had just learned that she barely noticed as he continued to talk, "Here at the castle I have a simple potion that reduces the majority of the effects, however if one of the creatures were to be living with me some side effects would be unavoidable. I would much prefer an owl myself. They are intelligent creatures that, for the most part, leave you the hell alone."

Laurel shook her head as Severus made his next move. On her next move Laurel was able to capture one of Severus' rooks, the first capture of a piece that was not a pawn. She grinned in triumph as she asked her next question. "If you could have any power you wanted, what would it be?"

"Isn't that sort of a redundant question? I am a wizard, after all, and as long as I don't mind breaking the rules a little bit I can do whatever I wish."

Laurel blushed hotly. "Oh yeah, I totally forgot you were magical for a second there." She truly had. Their conversation was so normal, so enjoyable, that she had forgotten the considerable difference between their two worlds. She struggled for a way to redeem herself from her embarrassing first query. "Let me change my question then, if you were a muggle, what power would you want?"

"Now the question is just absurd. In what possible circumstance would I be a muggle?"

Laurel could feel a headache coming on. "That's kind of the point of a hypothetical question Severus."

"Is this a good time to mention that I dislike hypothetical questions?"

"Just answer the question Severus." Laurel snapped shortly.

Severus grinned at her outburst. She was highly attractive when she became upset, but that wasn't something he should think about. Deciding to give her a break he answered her question. "I suppose I would want the ability to speak, read, write, and understand every language this earth holds."

Laurel tilted her head slightly. She was expecting something like super strength, or invincibility, but this answer was certainly a surprise. "Why is that?"

"Ah, ah, ah, you have to earn another question first."

Two moves later, she took a knight. "So then, why would you have that power?"

Severus frowned, wondering how on earth she kept on taking his pieces. Apparently she was actually good at chess. Reluctantly he answered the question. "It would be extremely useful. In my field of work research is essential, and a lot of the texts I am required to read are in different languages. To be able to read anything, anytime I want, without having to first find someone to decipher it for me would be wonderful."

"I suppose that makes sense, but wouldn't it be easier to just be all knowing or something? Then you would still know all of the languages, but you wouldn't have to read the texts since you'd always have all of the information."

"Perhaps, but then what would the point be? What is knowledge when you aren't forced to work for it? Knowledge is something you have to earn."

His words were so profound that Laurel really wasn't sure how to react to them. They didn't really sound like anything she ever would have expected the potions master to say. Instead of responding she merely smiled at him. The man was a better person than he let on.

In his next move Severus managed to capture another one of her pawns. Without putting any thought into it, Severus continued on his previous line of questioning. "Why exactly is this "Pirates of Penzance" your favorite musical production?"

Laurel could have sworn her heart stopped beating in her chest as soon as she heard his question. All of a sudden this game wasn't so fun. This wasn't a question that she wanted to answer. Deciding to answer truthfully, as she was a terrible liar, she tried to be as evasive as possible in her answer. Avoiding his gaze Laurel explained, "It was my mother's favorite. She took me to see it when I was young."

Severus sat up straight, suddenly interested in this game. She was a terrible deceiver, unable to meet his eyes when she wasn't even lying completely. He was very interested in knowing exactly what it was that she's trying to hide from him. Apparently her mother was deceased, thus the past tense, and he had to wonder on their relationship. He knew that there was more to the story, something that she didn't want him to find out. He asked her as much. "Why do I feel like that's not all there is to the answer?"

The glare Laurel gave him was heated. "Take your own advice Severus. I'm not required to answer another question until you capture another one of my pieces." Without another word she made her move.

Intrigued by the way this was turning out Severus made his next move, capturing another pawn even though it meant leaving his rook open to be captured. "Tell me the rest of the story."

Laurel's head throbbed and eyes began to burn with the beginning of tears as she heard his question. She wasn't even sure if it could be considered a question since it was more of a statement. She yelled at him in her head, calling him every obscene name that she had ever heard. What gave him the right to ask her this question? Surely it was obvious this was not something she wanted to talk about, and yet he just had to dig deeper.

Laurel contemplated lying, it would be so much easier on her, but she had always been a terrible liar, and it was obvious he would easily see through any deception she tried to use. Seeing no other choice she decided to tell him the story that held so much meaning to her.

When she spoke, she tried her hardest to keep her voice steady, and willed it not to crack. "When I was eight my mom told me I was old enough to finally go to the theatre. She made a big production out of it, buying me a new dress, making my hair all fancy, I felt like a princess. We ended up seeing Pirates of Penzance, and while I didn't really understand it at all at the time, I was fascinated by the bright lights and beautiful singing." A sad, nostalgic smile made its way onto Laurel's face as she remembered. "Ever since then, every time Pirates of Penzance would come into town we would go to see it. We were supposed to go for my birthday a few years back, but she died just a few days before the showing. I couldn't bring myself to go without her."

She couldn't look him in the eye. She'd never shared anything so personal with anyone, and she felt dirty, violated, that it had to come out in this way. This was her past, her secret and he had no right to force out an answer. Her lowered eyes focused on the hands clenched in her lap Laurel quickly made her next move, and captured Severus' rook. She was emotional, and angry that he had forced her to reveal something so personal, she wanted to make him know how it felt to have a question asked that you clearly didn't want to answer.

Later, she would regret it, but right now it felt like the right thing to do. Quietly she let the words come out of her mouth. "Are you a Death Eater?"

There was a deafening pause before Severus hissed dangerously, "What?"

Determination in her face she met his gaze, surprised at how much venom was in it. She tried to stay strong. He thought it was fine to ask her inappropriate questions; then she would do the same to him. "Are you a Death Eater? It's a simple question really. Pippa told me anyone magical should know what they are so I'm going to assume you don't need an explanation." Laurel was shocked at how snide her own voice sounded.

When Severus stood abruptly Laurel couldn't help but scoot her chair back in an effort to put some distance between them. He sneered at her viciously, his eyes flashing, as he stated, "I am loyal to Dumbledore. That is more than you need to know." With a flick of his wand the chess board disappeared. "I forfeit, so you win by default. Act however you wish in my class." His words should have been reassuring, but they left a cold hard feeling in the bottom of Laurel's stomach. Without another word Severus swept away to his own quarters at an irate pace, slamming the door loud behind him.

Staring at the spot Severus had just vacated, Laurel couldn't help but feel like she had made a gigantic mistake. Trembling Laurel got up from her own chair and slowly made her way out into the hallway. As she walked back to the room, the castle that had begun to become her home seemed cold cruel. It felt as though every one of the paintings were jeering, pointing at her, calling her names, telling everyone what a horrible person she was.

Laurel was thankful that she didn't run into anyone as she made her way back to her own room. Once there, she hopped in the shower, turning the water as hot as she could stand. It wasn't until then, scalding water coursing over her body that Laurel allowed herself to cry. Tears poured down her face indistinguishable from the water running from the faucet.

Kneeling on the ground of the shower Laurel held her face in her hands as she let out all the frustration, all the sadness that her last few moments with Severus brought. Not bothering to muffle her sobs, figuring the stone walls of the castle would keep the sound from traveling too far, she let out noisy sobs. When she found herself unable to cry anymore she turned off the water, and dried herself off with a towel, wiping away the tears from her face.

As she prepared for bed she tried to think logically, as that was what she was best at. She knew she didn't want to leave things the way they turned out last night, and desperately wanted things to go back to how they had been before she had asked that ridiculous question. The logic, however, was frustratingly difficult to come by. Eventually she settled on the fact that her only option was to apologize for the way she had acted, the things she had said, and hope that he would be willing to forgive her.

Laying in bed, all Laurel could do was stare at the ceiling, for every time she closed her eyes all she saw was Severus' face burning with anger, hate, and hurt.

BREAK

As soon as Severus closed the door to his chambers he slammed one clenched hand against the stone wall as hard as he could. Ignoring the pain, he pulled his hand back only to smash it back, letting out a primal yell of aggravation. His body shook with anger as he tried desperately to contain his emotions. Falling to his knees he pounded on the wall with all of his might ignoring when the sides of his hands began to crack and bleed.

He knew he shouldn't have pushed her, shouldn't have asked to hear anything more about her mom, about the things she was trying to hide, but he had wanted to know so desperately what could make this normally chipper, honest girl suddenly feel the need to conceal things from him. Sure, she didn't lie outright, though Severus had a feeling that was because she was a horrible liar. Laurel, however, had always been so shockingly honest that he was surprised she had attempted to hide anything, however indirectly she did it.

He had pushed her, and she had shoved right back at him. She used gossip against him, to hurt him. It didn't matter that the rumor was technically true, what mattered was that she had used it as a way to anger him, to hurt him, to make him feel shame. Obviously she succeeded, seeing as right now Severus was quite angry. He was mad, furious was more like it, hurt, and upset, but the emotion that surprised him the most was the sorrow.

Why did she have to find out? He knew it would happen eventually; secrets never remained secrets long when they were kept at Hogwarts, but he selfishly wanted some more time. Almost everyone tiptoed around him in fear, whether or not they knew he was a Death Eater. Few had the audacity to defy him, or even to look him in the eye for an extended amount of time. Then this girl, this stupid American muggle came along, this little bit of a woman who treated him no differently than she did anyone else.

She was quiet, determined, and had the potential to turn into a passionate female. She never ate much, he noticed, choosing to socialize at the meals instead, but almost always snuck an apple from each meal for later. She wore her robe only to classes, where it was required, choosing instead to dress in her own muggle clothing for the majority of the time. Her attire was always modest, unlike the way he had seen some American tourists dress. While she did not drown in her clothes they were clearly oversized, and clung loosely to her body.

When she had spoken back to him earlier that day in class he had seen a passion in her, a fire that reminded him so much of Lily it frightened him. He had already admitted to himself that he was attracted to her, as any red blooded male would likely be, but that was the first time she caused him to take a second glance at what she really was.

Now, however, she would never be that girl again. She would cower around him like the rest of the world, whispering in the shadows about how horrible he was. He had been tainted in her eyes, and he was certain she would never act the same again. It saddened him. He had been enjoying the night so far, until it was taken so far, and he found himself longing that he could have that, even if it was just for a short time more. She accepted his sarcasm, and instead of becoming offended, as most did, she responded in kind with her own playful banter. It was like nothing that had ever happened to him before, and he had ruined it all, as he had a tendency to do.

Walking over to his dresser Severus opened one drawer, and violently shoved aside all of his neatly folded socks to reveal a bottle of firewhiskey, one he kept in case of moments like this. Pulling out the bottle he opened it and let the cap drop to the floor, forgotten. Holding the bottle to his lips he threw his head back and swallowed as much as he could.

Bringing the bottle away from his mouth Severus made a face at the burn the alcohol caused. It was always worst with the first sip, as his body tried desperately to tell him this substance would cause him nothing but harm. It was a feeling he despised, a feeling he needed. Beginning to calm down Severus sat on his bed as he took another swig, the burn already beginning to lessen.

Severus wasn't one to drink often, and it was an even rarer occurrence that he indulged to the point where he lost control. When Severus drank it was merely to numb the pain that his life had become. He didn't like himself, and he didn't blame anyone else who disliked him. He might hate them, but he never felt like their feelings were unjustified. He was a horrible person, one who had betrayed everyone who had ever put their trust in him.

When he drank, it was because the alcohol allowed him to get lost in dreams of what could have been. What his life could have been like if he was a real, decent person.

He often dreamed he had never gotten that cursed tattoo on his forearm; he had never succumbed to the pressure of his fellow Slytherins while at Hogwarts. He imagined what his life might be like then. Often it included Lily. Without the barrier he had forced between them when he called her that stupid name who's to say what could have happened. He could have been with her, been the man that she loved. He could have been the one to give her a child, one they would care for and love for as long as they both would live. This one fantasy was particularly appealing as it meant that that nuisance James Potter would be the one longing over what he could never have.

Other times he pictured his alternate future with a variety of faceless women. They would be different shapes, sizes and colors, but they would always be there to hold him, love him, and care for him. They would live together in a cozy house with happy, young children running around.

Sometimes his vision of what could have been didn't involve a woman at all, at least in a romantic way. He would see himself spending time with friends, during some holiday or another. They seemed so close, so caring. They would sit closely next to him on a couch as they all huddled around a warm fire, giving one armed hugs holding him tightly, laughing with him, instead of at him as he was used to.

Every time his idea of what could have been was different, but even Severus could easily see that each and every one had one thing in common. In every one, he was loved. He had people who cared for him, people who took time to think about what he needed.

Severus never had friends. He had acquaintances, Dumbledore being the closest to him, but no one he would go to in a time of need, no one he would ever confide in. He certainly didn't have lovers. He found ways to meet his needs, finding loose women, and sometimes even professionals, to lie with him, but with them it was always just sex. Never once did he even fool himself into believing that anything he did with those women could be considered making love, or any of the tender names people used for that act. Never did any one of those women evoke emotion in him beyond lust or disgust.

Severus never had anyone who he could count on, never had anyone who could help him overcome the challenges he had to face, and, being entirely honest, he had to admit that he felt it was only fitting. What right did he, a slimy traitorous snake have to be happy, comforted by someone that truly cared for him.

No, Severus was incurably alone.

End Chapter Eleven

AN:

Angst, angst, angst.

Sorry! It really wasn't supposed to be so angst filled but the story ran away with me, so blame the characters really. Besides, what would a good Severus story be without at least a little(lot) of angst?

Lots of thanks to my charming beta evenstar101 and everyone who reviewed the last chapter. :) you guys are more awesome than Ben and Jerry's Cherry Garcia ice cream!

Reviews are loved and constructive criticism is appreciated! Tell me what you think!